Accepted Quotations

Accepted is a 2006 comedy film about a group of high school seniors who, after being rejected from all colleges to which they had applied, create their own college, the South Harmon Institute of Technology.

Directed by Steve Pink. Written by Adam Cooper, Bill Collage, and Mark Perez.

Reject rejectiontaglines

Sherman Schrader

Legacy!

This place is awesome, now I can finally get hepatitis.

Oh yeah, I do actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.

I don't want to be alone in here when the walls start to bleed.

[looking at the mascot] A sandwich? Oh, you're the SHIT sandwiches!

You date Monica Morlan? I think about her while I masturbate.

(on the idea of South Harmon) Let's start this fake college. Then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. It's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.

I hope you guys have hobo stab insurance.

[screams loudly and high-pitched] It would be really cool if you guys didn't tell anyone I scream like that.

[after being inducted into the brotherhood] Yes! Yes! I want it! I want everything you guys have! I want Lilac shirts! I want visors kinda tilted to the side with hair gel coming out of it! [points to Gwynn] I want to have sex with girls that look like this!

The "Roaring Twenties" is BKE's biggest party of the year and we're recreating the scene from "The Untouchables" where Hoyt, as Bobby De Niro, crushes my skull with a baseball bat.

[referring to the abandoned asylum] Great, the birthplace of crack.

That's a G chord..um, I use to play in a Cranberries tribute band. We disbanded.

[dressed in a hotdog costume, chasing after a student] Hey, ask me about my wiener!

Bartleby Gaines

[when Hoyt Ambrose comes to talk to him] Let me guess, you want me to sign a petition banning minorities from your yacht club. No?

'Cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us!

Listen guys, there are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. Albert Einstein. You know? Pocahontas never went to college. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim; they had a great run. Both Lewis and Clark. Suzanne Somers. Bono.

I'm gonna go enjoy my wad now, okay?

Rory

I had it all planned! It was perfect, B, perfect! And now it's nothing! Nada! It's a goose egg! (Goes over to a table and drinks a whole glass of wine) College is for pussies!

Glen

[holding a rambutan] What are you!

An explosion of flavor. I'm working with some very unstable herbs.

Want a Glen Wad?

Yeah, in "human" dollars.

This kitchen is bitchin'.

Battle Royale!

We could have a Battle Royale!

I got fired for making a shrimp slushie... 'cause I was hungry and thirsty.

I need a rabbi in here to bless these chickens. Tomorrow, we're going kosher.

Some political crap, I got a 0 on my SAT's!

Holy balls.

Oh look, there's my old girlfriend Sarah Pelfann. [yells to Sarah] You broke my heart!

Later!

Ben Lewis

Health insurance my ass! They don't pay for shit. You get sick on a Friday, they only pay from Monday through Thursday. You go to doctor A, they only pay for doctor B. You break your penis, they only fix vaginas!

What is education? It's paying attention, it's opening yourself up to this great big ball of shit that we call life, and what's the worst thing that can happen? You get bit in the ass! Well let me tell you, my ass looks like hamburger meat, but I can still sit down!

We're breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, buyers and sellers, pimps and whores, pimps and whores!

And do me a favor, enjoy your time here. You got four years, these are the best years of your life, and then... you're fucked!

Freaky Guy

I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind

[blows up Dean Van Horne's car] I told ya.

[when locked out of SHIT] Is this a test?

Dialogue

Bartleby: A bird in the hand, dude. A bird in the hands.

Schrader: That doesn't make any sense.

Bartleby: [seeing Schrader in his hot dog costume] Oh, no!

Schrader: Ask me about my weiner! Ask me about my wiener-r-r-r-r-r!

Bartleby: [approaching with Monica] Schrader?

Monica: Hey.

Schrader: Oh hey, B. And Monica.

Bartleby: Why are you wearing that?

Schrader: Every brother of my fraternity has worn this suit. President James Garfield wore this suit like a gentleman!

Bartleby: Oh yeah, and look what happened to him? He got assassinated by Charles Guiteau.

[Monica and Schrader are silent]

Bartleby: Don't ask me how I know that. [Monica laughs]

Schrader: Listen, could you guys ask me about my weiner real quick?

Bartleby: Schrader (pause), no.

Schrader: Guys, this is important! My fraternity brothers could be watching me right now! Just ask me about my weiner, please!

Bartleby: Why are you doing this?

Schrader: What do you mean?

Bartleby: This, you're humiliating yourself, buddy.

Schrader: [angry] You know what, B? Don't mess with me, alright? These are the happiest times of my life right now! I've never been happier, I'm happy! [storms off, starts chasing another student] Hey, ask me about my weiner!

Bartleby: Glen, since when have you been working at the kwik-and-stop?

Glen: Since I got boned HARD by every college I applied to!

Bartleby: Why? What happened?

Glen: Some political crap... I got a zero on my SAT's.

Schrader: ...you do know you get 600 points, just for signing your name... right?

Glen: ...aw DAMNIT!

Schrader: Hey, guys. Don't go in there! That's breaking and entering.

Bartleby: C'mon, Schrader, don't be scared.

Schrader: Scared? I'm not scared, you're scared.

Hands: Schrader, you were afraid to taste the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.

Schrader: I told you that in confidence, Hands!

Bartleby: Schrader you were afraid when your tooth fell out 'cuz you were terrified of the tooth fairy.

Schrader: That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifling through my shit.

Girl: Can you sign a copy of your book for me. I got it on Ebay.

Ben: They sell my shit on Ebay?

Hands: You wrote a book?

Ben: Yeah, that was back when I was drinking. [He takes a shot]

[asking his friends to think up of classes they can offer]

Bartleby: Alright, Schrader. What about you?

Schrader: Well, B, I'm glad you asked that, actually, cuz since we're going to prison, I want to learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.

Dean Van Horne: [referring to Ben] Mr. Lewis has not been teaching for over 20 years! He's a drunk and degenerate looney toon!

Schrader: [stands up] Hey, asshole! You're talking about my mom's brother!

Dean Van Horne: Oh, sit down!

Schrader: [sits down] Okay.

[During the accreditation hearing]

Dr. Alexander: So, is that it Mr. Gaines? You have one teacher for upwards of 300 students?

Bartleby: [silent]

Dr. Alexander: Mr. Gaines! Answer the question!

Bartleby: Nah, I'm not gonna answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces. Just because you want us to be more like them, when we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College, and their 100 years of tradition, but tradition of what? Of, hazing kids, or humiliating anyone who's a little bit different? Or putting so much pressure on kids that they become these stress freaks and caffeine addicts?

Dean Van Horne: Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!

Bartleby: Why? Why can't we both exist? You can have your grades, your rules, and your structure and ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?

Dean Van Horne: Your curriculum is a joke, and you sir, are a criminal.

Bartleby: You know what? You're a criminal, because you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion, that's the real crime! What about you parents? Did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow, your heart, or, play it safe roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or no, maybe you wanted to be a poet, or a magician, or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I lied to you,I lied to all if you and I'm sorry, Dad, especially you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. It was full of possibilites, and isn't that what you want for us as parents? I mean... its that. Well we came here today to get your approval and something just occured to me. I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval?! We dont need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. Because there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you know it, and I know that it's a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. Because you don't need teachers or classrooms or fancy high proud traditions to really learn, you just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shitload at South Harmon! So you can go ahead. Sign your forms. Reject us, and shoot us down, do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning and well never stop growing and we'll never forget the truths that were instilled in us at our place! Because we're S.H.I.T.Heads now, and we'll be S.H.I.T.Heads forever, and nothing you can say or do or stamp can take that away from us, so go!

Bartleby: So you saying you wanna be a SHIT head?

Schrader: I wanna be a SHIT head.

Bartleby: Oh yeah, Monica, this is Schrader.

Schrader: Oh yeah, I think we know each other. We were in math class together..I sat behind you, you know..all the way in back...yeah, I don't remember you either..

[bargaining with his sister, Lizzie]

Bartleby: Ok, I'll give you anything you want, not money-related.

Lizze: Your Razor scooter.

Bartleby: Done.

Lizze: And a fake ID.

Bartleby: No! I'm not letting you drink!

Lizzie: It's so I can vote, dumb-ass.

Glen: You need a Razor scooter to vote?

[student runs out of school, throwing his papers in the air]

Student: [estactic] I got into Princeton!

Schrader: Hey, I think that guy got into Princeton.

Bartleby: [rolls eyes] Oh really? What makes you say that?

Bartleby: We have a situation.

Schrader: I'm kinda busy right now, I'm in the middle of rush--

Bartleby: Ok, remember when we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?

Schrader: Yeah, and Lizzie was born.

Bartleby: It's worse than that.

Bartleby's mom: It's so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally.

Ben: Fuckin' A!

Schrader: Hey, you wanted to fool your dad and the guy's not an idiot. And also, it was your idea to put "acceptance is just one click away".

Bartleby: Yeah, you put it as "one click away", you don't make it clickable!

Glen: Look what I did.

Bartleby: Ugh, what are those?

Glen: I call them Glen Wads. They contain every delicious flavor in every single bite. Try one.

Bartleby: I'm not gonna lie to you, they look disgusting.

Glen: This shit will get you high on flavor alone.

Kiki: Glen, I love your Wads.

Ben: In life, it's important to distinguish between need and want. You think you want something because you've been conditioned to want it.

Kid: I want the pump!

Ben: I don't got the pump. But look! I've got the Tim Duncan Adidas Cool D's.

Kid: I want the pump!

Ben: Listen you insolent little snot! There are kids right now in Asia, who are sewing your stupid shoes together, so that their family can have a bowl of rice to eat tonight!

Schrader: This is the worst idea of all time.

Bartleby: Your Uncle Ben used to be a genius. It'll be fine.

Woman: What did you do?

Ben: You're the one who emotionally crippled the kid. You know what? Maybe he's retarded. I'm glad my mother's DEAD!

Bartleby: He's just having a bad day.

[A supposed dead body (mannequin) falls from the ceiling. Schrader screams in an extremely high-pitched tone]

Bartleby: [stares in disbelief at Schrader] Schrader, what the hell was that?!

Schrader: Well that's embarrasing.

Bartleby: Are you kidding?

Schrader: It would be really cool if you guys didn't tell people I scream like that.

Taglines

Reject rejection

When every college turned them down...they made one up.

Battle Royale

Cast

Justin Long - Bartleby Gaines
Jonah Hill - Sherman Schrader
Adam Herschman - Glen
Columbus Short - Hands
Maria Thayer - Rory
Lewis Black - Uncle Ben
Blake Lively - Monica
Mark Derwin - Jack Gaines
Ann Cusack - Diane Gaines
Hannah Marks - Lizzie Gaines
Robin Taylor - Abernathy (A.D.D.)
Diora Baird - Kiki
Joe Hursley - Maurice / The Ringers
Jeremy Howard - Freaky Student
Anthony Heald - Dean Van Horne

Quoternity