Achewood

Achewood is a comic written and illustrated by Chris Onstad. It debuted on October 1, 2001

2001



2002

  • Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure!
Pat: Oh there you go, joinin' in, just like always! I guess friends DON'T change!
Ray: No, really! They are really silly people! Stop listening to them!
Pat: What the... why the hell you care so much?
Beef: They suck pretty bad huh Ray
Ray: That's Right, Roast Beef! Say, how you doin'?
Beef: Pretty good now that I am 239,000 miles from The Cure

  • Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS! ASS IN YOUR PANTS, ASS IN YOUR PANTS!

2003

  • Beef: We cracked into a case of Blue Nun Widemouths at like 3 AM last night
Beef: What was that
Beef: Heh heh that's right
Beef: "The wine so bad it made the news"

  • Ray: Dang, Beef! This ain't no regular hangover! This is the big one! I...I'm talkin' physical therapy! Wheelchairs and stuff! Speakin' at high schools!

  • Nightlife: Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn Brillo pad.



2004

  • Beef: Hey there Jackie D
Beef: Tuck me in and be my breakfast

  • Pat: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars!
Host: Really? I don't think I've ever--
Pat: Don't you lie to me! How many times have you sat and waited while some Mexican was gettin' into a car, actin' like the world was his oyster?!

  • Beef: I wonder if there's a college study that shows how exposing my generation to Three's Company set gender relations back approximately 715 years

  • Beef: OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN
Beef: SAY IT

2005



2006

  • Little Nephew: You're going to send me to get my ass kicked by a guy who trained himself to be a Marine by jumping off his roof onto a trampoline, aren't you?

  • Ray: Emeril food! Now! Why come ain't nobody stuffing a lasagna inside a turkey? Where's the butter? Put butter on what I said!

2007

  • Ray: You know me, dude. I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse. Somebody says I'm gay, I'll just sit here bein' straight, and they'll be wrong.

  • Pat: Teodor! Did you know it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef?
Teodor: Fuck you, Pat. Three acres of grain tastes terrible with a baked potato.

  • Cornelius: I have a sneaking suspicion you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese.
Cornelius: Fuck along, now.


2008


  • Beef: Hm maybe get some medical insurance
Beef: I mean I don't want to seem all cocky and falutin' so maybe just a real basic plan where like if I die they put me in a coffin

  • Cornelius: When we do make the beast with two backaches, our onomatopoeia is less "ooh" and "aah" than "crack" and "help."
  • The Last Time You Make Love

2009

  • Ramses: Now, I don't ever want to see you again unless it's in a coffin
Ramses: You see that Falcon, you best jump right in the nearest coffin you hear me
Ramses: I ain't care if it's your birthday and yo' mama needs the coffin 'cause she's dead


Alternate Text

 
Quoternity
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