Alfred E. Neuman

Alfred E. Neuman is a fictional person, mascot of EC Publications' MAD Magazine. As the gap-toothed, freckled kid who never worries, he has appeared on almost every MAD cover. Every issue has a "thought provoking" quote attributed fictionally to him.

Unsourced Quotes

• "What, Me Worry?"

• "A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

• "A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"

• "A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"

• "Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"

• "Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

• "How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"

• "How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America?"

• "If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

• "If you repeat the same grade once you're a dummy-if you repeat it 20 times you're a teacher"

• "In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

• "It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"

• "It's funny how no one is ever so busy that they can't find the time to complain.

• "Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

• "Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgment!"

• "Most siblings won't share anything except embarrassing stories about you!"

• "Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"

• "People who borrow will take anything-but a hint"

• "Politicians are always trying to convince you that they can solve the unemployment problem if you'll just give them a job!"

• "Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"

• "Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"

• "Talk is cheap-but say the wrong thing to your parents and it'll cost you!"

• "Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

• "Thank's to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"

• "The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

• "The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them!"

• "The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"

• "Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll show you the door!"

• "What Goes up must come down...except, it seems these days,the cost of living!"

• "Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

• "You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

• "The problem with learning from experience is that you always get the test before the lesson."

• "If you want to be on the upper crust, you need to have a lot of dough."