All That Quotations

Vital Information

[This segment featured tidbits of advice "for your everyday life", delivered by Lori Beth Denberg in seasons 1-4, Danny Tamberelli in seasons 5-6, and Lil' JJ in season 10.]

If it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes bad, then it might be...this OOOOOOOLLLLD BURRITO!
It's nice to stop and smell the flowers. It's weird to stop and smell...this OOOOOOOLLLLD BURRITO!
When you spell Algebra backwards, you get mommy mommy it's hurting again.
To get your teacher's attention, it's a bad idea to scream " Hey look over here you freakish animal".
If you smell smoke in the hallway, you say "fire". If you smell smoke in your pants you say "why am I smelling my pants?"
It's not okay to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants.
Homework bad, pizza good.
Girls don't like it when boys take their sandwich and run away screaming " Hey look who's got your sandwich now".
When you cough something up, never take it to school and tell people it's your friend Robert.
Don't pour soup on yourself and run around shouting " Hey everybody, look at me I'm soupgirl".
Never kick a man when he's down, just look at him and scream " Hey, get up you down on the ground weirdo".
It's rude to walk up to an old person and say, "Hey, has your face always looked like that, or have you just been underwater for the last twenty years?"
Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder how this song ever became so stinking popular.
If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm, odds are that ain't apple juice.
Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe, catch a tiger by its toe. If it hollers, let it go, because if you don't he's going to kill you!
Next time you're sick, take a piece of ham and rub it around your skin. You won't feel any better, but hey, you'll smell like ham!
All is fair in love and war. All is smelly in a closet full of baboons.
Hey diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon, the little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish exploded.
The early bird gets the worm. FINE! I don't want the worm.
Cheaters never prosper. That is, unless they bought my new book, Cheating the Denberg Way. Available wherever fine books are sold.
Tell your brother that if he eats a lot of uncooked popcorn kernels he will explode.
It's rude to cover a cow with glue and taunt it by saying "Sticky Cow, Sticky Cow, OOOOOOOOH! Sticky Cow!"
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When left in the sun, mayonaisse grows hair.
Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, I hate the Macarena!
If you're on a first date, it's a bad idea to say "So, what's the biggest loogie you've ever hocked up?"
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. If a giant chariot wheel rolls on your foot, go "YEEOOW!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill just laughed as Jack lay there unconscious.
You should always brush your teeth three times a day. You should never fill your pants with infected fish.
Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking a dozen eggs with a sledgehammer is fun.
When it rains, it pours. When there's a nail in your eye, you go "AHHHHHH!"
If you see somebody drowning, try throwing a popcorn in their mouth.
There's 16 ounces in a pound. There's 38 sheep in my pants.
If your name is Steven and you have a turkey named Stefan, then come Thanksgiving, you'll be Steven, stuffing Stefan!
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in your pants can be very uncomfortable.
When it rains, it pours. When it snows, it's cold.
You are what you eat. I am thirteen tacos and a stick of butter.
This little piggy went outside. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy came off! (ripping off her toe)
If you can count to seventeen on one hand, then good luck finding gloves, you seventeen-fingered freak!
Revenge is sweet. Not as sweet as 10 pounds of sugar!
If you fall in the mud, it's not a good idea to stand up and say "I AM THE KING OF MUD CITY, AND YOU ARE ALL MY MUD PEOPLE!"
If you hang a turkey from your Christmas tree and it's the fourth of July, then congratulations, you're a blonde!
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with a side of mashed potatoes.
Miss Susie had a baby, she named him Tiny Tim. She put him in the bathtub to see if he could swim. He drank up all the water; he ate up all the soap; he tried to eat the bathtub, but it wouldn't go down his throat. The moral of this story is don't name your baby Tiny Tim.
If you've just eaten, wait twenty minutes before swimming. If you can't swim, wait twenty minutes before drowning.
If you have a fear of spiders, then you have arachnophobia. If you have a fear of breathing, then you have about four minutes to live.
It's fun to play in the snow. It's not fun to play in a bathtub full of vomit.
It's no fun to go to the dentist, especially if your dentist pushed you down a flight of stairs.
There's no such thing as a stupid question...unless the question is, "JJ, can I borrow 20 dollars?" NO!
If there was an animal called a yabba-dabba, and you kept one in your backyard, you might accidentally step in some yabba-dabba doo.
If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable.
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care. Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care. Jimmy got hit with a melon, and I still don't care.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're not happy and you don't know it, clap your monkey.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, how I wonder how you smell.
If you barf in an elevator, don't respond by saying, "I shouldn't have eaten that large pizza."
Mary had a little lamb. I squished it with my foot.
Wise men say that he who goes to sleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers.
It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to talk with a mouthful of baby squirrels.
It's rude to push your friend Billy off the roof and yell "HEY NEIGHBORS, IT'S RAININ' BILLY!"
If your teacher gives you an F, it's wrong to say, "What did you expect, moron? I didn't study!"
If your grandmother gives you a pretty new sweater as a gift, it's wrong to thank her by wrapping it around her neck and squeezing till she turns blue.
It's rude to walk into a forest and say, "HEY YOU TREES ARE JUST A BUNCH OF MORONS, AND YA KNOW WHAT? AND IF YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, JUST COME OVER AND GET ME!"
When an adult asks you what you wanna be when you grow up, don't say, "Well, I wanna be a big old loser, just like you!"
Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the noise it makes when it hits your Uncle Betty in the booty!
If you're having trouble with your homework, don't go up to your teacher and say, "This homework is too hard! Now gimme a big wet kiss!"
It's nice to invent a new soup called Tasty Chicken Barley. It's not nice to invent a soup called Broken Glass Chowder.
It's easy to milk a cow. It's weird to milk a toothless hippie named Maurice.
If you're afraid your grandmother might get stolen, stick an alarm up her dress and chain her to the fence!
Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey no see, monkey step in doo.
The cow says "moo." The duck says "quack." The crazy person says "Ayayayayayayayayay!"
If you have no eyes, three lips, and a lizard coming out of your belly button, then you have one weird mama!
It's rude to walk up to a school librarian and say, "Excuse me, but do you have a book on why you're so UGLY?"
People who live in glass houses should always wear pants.
If you are the President of the United States and you're watching me right now, then you need to quit watching Nickelodeon and go fix our country!
If you're afraid of ladders, don't climb a ladder. If you're afraid of marshmallows, don't climb a ladder made of marshmallows.
If your mama has a deep voice and hair all over her back, YOUR MAMA'S A DUDE!
The people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The people on the bus go up and down. Eventually, they throw up.
If a dog asks you what your favorite color is, run like the wind, 'cause dogs ain't supposed to talk!
If you in Jr. High and your still wearing a diaper, time to grow up.
If your mom asked you what you did in school today, you'll scare her if you say, "Well, I learned, Social Studies, Science, and WITCHCRAFT! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
If your sister gets a phone call and you answer it don't say, "My sister ain't here, she's out in the yard flopping in the mud!"
Girls it's a bad idea to fill your bra with water and goldfish and then tell people you've invented the "Double Cup Aquarium".
If you want a good grade on a test, don't write at the top of the page: Dear Teacher, I didn't study for this test. P.S. school is stupid.
When you get out of the shower soaking wet, it's almost impossible to dry yourself with a #2 pencil.
If there is a new kid in school, put a sign on his back that says: lick the new kid. Then watch the fun begin.
If your mother tells you to sweep the kitchen floor, don't hold your sister upside down and use her head as a broom.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack eat chimpmunk, Jack get sick.
If you're writing a letter to your grandfather, don't begin with: Dear Bald Wrinkled Man.
When you're checking out at the grocery store, never say "Oh I don't need any bags, I just stick the food in my pants."
Three blind mice see how they run...into things.
When you're on a date never spread your toes apart and then say "Hey check out my fungus!"
Next Christmas Eve leave a big pot of boiling water in the fireplace before bed. The next morning have a big bowl of Santa noodle soup.
Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, Oh why am I talking to a Christmas tree.
On Christmas Eve it's a good idea to leave Santa some milk and cookies. It's a bad idea to leave him some liver and elf juice.
If you feel like an outsider, if you feel all alone, and if you feel like you have no one to talk to, odds are you have no friends.
If you steal my vital information bit, you better be prepared to sing a song.
If you're lucky enough to have a hammer, please don't hammer in the morning.
Never put underwear on your head and say to people, "I'm little Nancy and this is my pretty new hat".
You won't impress the school principal by telling him, "You're a pretty school principal. Pretty, Pretty, Pretty. Yes you are".
If it's healthy to eat a well-balanced meal, then it's dangerous to eat a well-balanced nuclear missile.
At fine restaurants it's considered rude to butter yourself.
If you're telling a guy a story and he starts to choke, don't say "Look dude, I'm right in the middle of my story".
If you're a guy and you take your grandmother to the school dance, don't yell "Hey everybody, look at me I'm at the school dance with my grandmother. Wooh!"
If a friend of yours falls down a flight of stairs, it's not helpful to say "You sure looked funny when you fell down that flight of stairs".
If you lose a tooth, don't put it in hot water and then yell "Hey look at me everyone, I'm eating tooth soup".
If someone tells you "Life is like a bowl of cherries", just smack 'em.
Never spit on someone and then say,"That's what spit feels like".
Never take a taco, sit on it and then run around screaming, "Hey, look at that taco stain on my butt".
It's a bad idea to put bacon on your face and then run around screaming, "Look at me I'm Porkboy the breakfast monkey".
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you Porkboy the dancing monkey.
If your dog sniffs you it means he likes you. If your friend sniffs you, then you got a weird friend.
It's a bad idea to walk up to a policeman and say, "Oh Mr. Policeman, take me to prison, please!"
An apple a day keeps the doctor away (followed by her pelting a doctor with apples)
This is no way to treat the world. (Followed by Lori Beth punching a globe)
One, two, buckle my shoe. Hey, buckle my shoe, I've got a show to do here! (Then a stagehand runs on stage and buckles Danny's shoe.)
When you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. When you step on a rusty nail, you say “AHHHHHH!”
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's ping pong.
Always look both ways before crossing the street. NEVER, EVER TRY TO IRON THE WRINKLES OUT OF YOUR GRANDMA'S FACE!
Everybody likes the smell of Grandma's cooking. No one likes the smell of grandma's pajamas.
Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Who's Moe and why is he so Eeny, Meeny, and Miny?
A picture is worth a thousand words. A thousand words is worth three and a half chipmunks.
If you are talking to me now, and can't understand why I'm not answering, then you are one dumb dude.
Too much junk food will make you fat. Too much hot sauce will make you go "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhh, too much hot sauce!!!"
Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck 12 and flung the mouse 30 feet across the room.
If you laugh, the world laughs with you. If you walk around with a chicken in your pants, the world laughs in your face.
They say opposites attract. (picks up a feather) I wonder what the opposite of a feather is. (a giant boulder flies over and hits the host)
I scream, you scream, we all scream when we slam our hand in the car door.
If your first name is Wally, and your second name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO!
When you fall in the toilet, it is best not to start swimming saying, "Look at me! I'm a toilet fish!"
When you blow your nose like this (takes a tissue and blows her nose loudly), it is wrong to do this (sticks the tissue to a lamp).
If you get all fs on your report card dont feel bad its not your fault your stupid!
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And I laughed my butt off!
If you have a stomach ache, see a doctor not a lion. Because the lion would probably just bite your head off.
If the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn't fit then shove it in your pants.
You can brush your teeth, but you can't brush your knees.
If you have a hammer, for the love of God, don't hammer in the morning.
A duck says quack, a cow says moo, and I say, "Get off my property before I call the cops!"
It is never a good idea to go up to the school bully and say, "Hey girly-boy. Beat me up. Beat me up real bad."
If you jump off a plane and your parachute doesn't work, (laughs) Bye bye!
Don't feel bad if you get all D's on your report card. It's not your fault you're stupid!
On Halloween, it's okay to say "trick or treat" at your neighbor's door. On Groundhog Day, it's not okay to go to a neighbor's house and say, "HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY, NOW LET ME LOOK BETWEEN YOUR TOES!"
If you want to get clean, rub yourself with a bar of soap. If you want to get bitten, rub yourself with a squirrel.
Don't put sugar on your hamster and say, "Oooooh, what a sweet hamster."
If this is the last thing you ever do, then congratulations, you're dead!
If you don't know the difference between bologna and your underwear, then I'm not eating lunch at your house!
If you drop a bowling ball on your foot, it's all right to yell, "AAAAUUUUGGGHHH!"
If you spend the night at a friend's house and get sick, puke in a bowl and tell them that it's a new cereal called Puke-O's.
If it's the Fourth of July and Santa comes down your chimney, run like the wind, 'cause THAT AIN'T SANTA!
Never feed your dog three pounds of beef just so you can say, "Look at my new stuffed animal!"
There's no real reason to play basketball naked.
If you have a friend that says, "I'm a little gumdrop, and I like to push my face into things that are sharp and pointy," then you have one weird friend.
If you have a pizza delivered, it's nice to tip the pizza man a dollar. It's not nice to say, "Hey, thanks for the pizza...could you help me put it in my pants?"
After you blow out your birthday candles, if someone asks you what you wished for, it's rude to say, "I wished you were a giant piece of ham so I could poke you with my fork!"
It's a bad idea to cover your head with honey, stick it in a beehive, and say, "Here, bees! Feast on my sweet head!"
If you are wearing a T-shirt that says, "I'm extremely stupid," then you're extremely stupid.
At fine restaurants, it's considered rude to butter yourself.
It's not nice to buy a gallon of blue paint, wait till your mom falls asleep, paint her, and then say, "What's the matter, Mama? Feeling blue?"
If you're on a first date with somebody, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, "Lookie, date, I'm makin' sketti circles!"
Never pour gravy on your head and then scream, "Hey, look at me, I'm meatloaf girl!"

[The following quotes are indexed based on the List of All That characters.]

Josh Server

Detective Dan: "I'm Detective Dan."

Detective Dan: "Hello, Pizza Shack? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis."

Bernie Kibbitz: "I'm Bernie Kibbitz and I'm old!"

Squash Hick: "Why, the only thing I like more than fishing (or buses) is my good friend Squash Boy!"

Studs Wilkinson: "I find your hilarious comedy both amusing AND entertaining!"

Studs Wilkinson: "LIGHTS OUT!!" [faints]

Studs Wilkinson: "I am unconcious and he still makes me laugh."

Jerry Futile: "How many shoes?....I'm sorry; the answer was nine. Nine shoes."

Jerry Futile: "YOU...CAN'T...WIN!"

Toby Braun: "My name is Toby Braun, and I am a former fitness expert..."

Earboy: "WAIT A MINUTE! I know a guy who has huge ears like mine and everybody likes him! He'll tell me what I should do!"

Milk Man: "Now with Superdude out of the way, I can achieve my life long dream of bothering people all over the world!"

Jimmy Bond: "Bad cookie."

Ray Borealus: "Why did you send me here, Brenda?"

Kenan Thompson

Superdude: "I'm Superdude, teenage superhero with powers that amaze the stupid."

Superdude: "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that make women sweat!"

Superdude: "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that can make hamsters dance!"

Superdude: (usually after his intro) "I also enjoy stuffed animals, riding my bike on the beach, and talking on the phone long distance!"

Mavis: "Hey, Clavis, wake up; the show's over."

Miss Piddlin: "Oh, dear, children, Miss Piddlin almost let her violent temper and beast-like strength get the better of her!"

Miss Piddlin: "Miss Piddlin almost let her maniacal rage get the best of her!"

Miss Piddlin: "Oh children, Miss Piddlin almost lost her temper on the back of Miss Tula's head!"

Miss Piddlin: "Careful, Miss Piddlin, peoples gonna think your a menace to society."

Miss Piddlin: "JULIO!!"

Miss Piddlin: "Well if you don't want my peas then DON'T EAT!"

Miss Piddlin: (to Buzz (Sullivan) and Kaffy (Foiles)) "Are you children on some medication?"

[Ishboo is a phony foreign exchange student.]

(Other character): "What country are you from, Ishboo?"

Ishboo: "That is a very good question."

(Other character): "What country are you from, Ishboo?"

Ishboo: "Why are you screaming at me!?"

(Other character): "What country are you from, Ishboo?"

Ishboo: "I forget."

(Other character): "What country are you from, Ishboo?"

Ishboo: "DONT TEST ME!"

Ishboo: "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly." (Other person jumps out of the window screaming.)

Ishboo: (at the doctor) "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will put the needle down and walk out the door." (Doctor slams the needle down, sits on it, and yells, slamming everything down and running out of the door.)

Bill Cosby: "Eat lots of yellow pudding."

Randy: "Hi, I'm Randy and this is 'Cooking with Randy'."

Antoine: "What it is."

Jerry Futile: "I'm sorry, the correct answer was 'meatloaf.'"

Antoine: "Didn't y'all hear Antoine say meatloaf?!"

Coldfinger: "Look at my finger. It is really cold."

Principal Pimpell: "As principal of Dullmont Junior High School, Principal William...Baines...Pimpell!"

[appeared in a Harry Bladder sketch]

Principal Pimpell: "Sweet puss, my pimple's talking!"

Lester Oaks, Construction Worker: "My name is Lester Oaks, Construction Worker!"

Everyday French With Pierre Escargot

[Each of these is the "translation" of a French phrase.]

There are small children in my nose.
I will not introduce you to my fluffy dog Boo-Boo.
I will not introduce you to this piece of wheat toast.
May I blow my nose in your Sandwich?
I want to shave your back.
My father's name is Stephanie.
I'm sorry I thought that was my pocket
What time is it and why do you smell like cheese?
[after speaking an unusually long French phrase] How are you?
Hey! Who put that bacon fat on my toilet seat?
Why is your grandmother wearing my father's panties?
Thanks for buttering my squirrel.
I thought you said this was pudding!
Who broke the pickle pump?
Oh no! The babysitter exploded!
Monkeys are tickling my tummy.
May I take a nap in your nose?
I have not showered in 36 days!
Kiss me under the baloney tree!
Take those pork chops out of your brassiere!
Hey! Stop licking my kangaroo!
I enjoyed meeting your sister in prison!
I'm a pretty little girl.
May I pop my pimple on your lasagna?
Excuse Me! I am not a drinking fountain!
Wow! How did you get an onion in there?
Thanks for the lovely used tissue!
Please remove your banjo from my belly button.
Oh no! The macaroni is infected!
I told you I had gas.
Merry Christmas! Can I get you a cup of hot fat?
That's not an elf, that's my grandmother!
Hey! Look what the reindeer left on my roof!
That's not bubblegum! That's Porkboy the Breakfast Monkey!
Keep your hands of my chicken nuggets!
Who said you could live in my toilet?

Kel Mitchell

Ed: "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?"

Ed: [singing] "I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes, hey!"

Ed: "Uhh...no?"

Ed: "That'll be eight bucks."

Customer [Server]: "Hi, I'd like a Good Punch."

Ed: "Okay." [Ed punches the customer in the face, KO-ing him.]

[The customer awakens a few minutes later.]

Customer: "Why did you hit me? All I did was ask for a Good Punch!" [Ed knocks him out again.]

[The customer wakes up again.]

Customer: "Okay, I think I've got it now. I keep asking for a Good Punch, and you keep hitting me repeatedly. So I'd like one Good SODA, got it?"

Ed: "One Good Soda."

Customer: "Right." [Ed punches him out again.]

Okrah: "Today on the Okrah show, you'll be entertained by other people's sad, miserable lives."

Lump Maroon: [only dialogue] "Jupiter!"

Clavis: "Oh, yeah, kick it!"

Clavis: "You just gotta reach deep down in your pants and pull out stuff you never knew you had."

Coach Kreeton: "Aww, the life I live is sad!"

Coach Kreeton: "Aww, my happiness is a memory!"

Coach Kreeton: "Hehe! Hehe! Hehe! Goooood..."

Coach Kreeton: "You make me mad in ways I can't understand!"

Butter Boy: "Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?"

[Repairmanman has just dropped through the ceiling, making a mess.]

[Other character]: "What was that?"

Repairmanman: "That was me! I'm...Repairmanman-man-man-man-man!"

[Other character]: "What's with the echo?"

Repairmanman: "Echo my butt!"

[Other character]: "What's with the echo?"

Repairmanman: "What echo?"

[Other character]: "What's with the echo?"

Repairmanman: "Echo my Aunt Fannie!"

Gina & Jessica [Bynes & Knowings]: "You're not a very good repairman."

Repairman: "Yes, I am; Mama said I was!"

Lori Beth Denberg

Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for the exchange of ideas!"

Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for research."

Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for enjoying yourself."

Miss Fingerly: "Good afternoon, students. I trust you all enjoyed lunch. I myself consumed a tasty chicken pot pie. Teachers love chicken pot pie. Cock-a-Doodle Pie!"

Ms. Hushbaum: "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY!" (blows airhorn)

Herself: "I want a rhinocerous...carved out of pure gold!"*

Santa Claus: "So Lori Beth, have you been a good girl this year?"

Lori Beth: "Hmmm, no."

Santa Claus: "Bye Bye!"

Lori Beth: "Seeya Santa."

Sweaty Woman: "It's true."

Miss Fingerly "The classroom is no place for hiney slapping!"

Loud Librarian "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY!!"

Loud Librarian "IF YOU WON'T BE SILENT, I WILL BE VIOLENT!!!"

Katrina Johnson

Ross Perot: "I got four billion dollars, Earboy!"

Ross Perot: "Hey, Pizzaface, how about a little bite?"

Ross Perot: "Look, I'm in a bathtub full of money."

Dorothy: "Mr. Cosby, I need a shower."

Bill Cosby [Thompson]: "That you do."

Lemonade Scammer: "My mom said she'd step on my hamster."

[Someone has just asked what "lactose-intolerant" means, and Johnson's character appears from inside of an grocery display.]

Lactose-Definer: "Superdude is lactose-intolerant. That means he can be harmed by dairy products.

Woman: "You Mean like Ham?"

Lactose-Definer: "No. Ham is meat. Dairy products include milk, butter, cream, cheese, cream cheese, and..."

YoGurl [Mitchell]: "Yogurt!"

Lactose-Definer: "I've Got A Squeegee."

Lactose-Definer: "You're the best, Superdude, even if you are lactose-intolerant."

Alisa Reyes

[Kiki and Fran are stranded on an uncharted island.]

Kiki: [singing] "We'll be here...forever-"

Fran [Denberg]: "Stop it."

Kiki: "-and ever-"

Fran: "Stop it!"

Kiki: "-and ever-"

Fran: "STOP IT!"

Kiki: "-and ever, [Fran knocks herself out.] and ever...."

Angelique Bates

Mandy: "There's a chocolate festival in my mouth!"

Herself: "And People Named Steve"

Steve Urkel: "Surprise!"

Amanda Bynes

Ashley: [reading] "'Dear Ashley,' thaaaaaat's me!"

Ashley [suddenly cheerful after ranting furiously about the last letter] "Our next letter comes from..."

Jiffy Springs: [singing] "I'm a teeny-weeny bopper-beany, I'm so nice and he's so meany!"

[The alien Thumbtax has just fired on the U.S.S. Spaceship, which is helmed by a 10-year-old.]

Captain Tantrum: [in tears] "Waaaah! You hurt my spaceship!"

Thumbtax [Denberg]: "I'm sorry, lil' cap'n. What can I do to make it up to you?"

Captain Tantrum: [sniffling] "Lower your shields."

Thumbtax: "Well, okay, shields lowered."

Captain Tantrum: "Singo, fire main lasers!"

Thumbtax: [exploding] "Ahhhh!"

Singo [Mitchell]: [singing] "Captain, that was brilliant; Captain, that was brilliant!"

Megan Marples: "Hello, I'm Megan Marples."

Megan Marples: "I slap myself with liver."

Herself: "You know how it is when you just gotta dance!"

Ashley: Let's read this letter from Lisa Lilian From Queens, New York. She writes:"Dear Ashley. Thaaaaaaaaaat's ME! "Dear Ashley. I have a new sweater. It is green. Love, Lisa."
:(Long pause)
:Ashley: WHO STINKIN' CARES? THE SHOW'S CALLED ASK ASHLEY, NOT BORE ASHLEY TO STINKIN' DEATH! "OH I'M LISA! I HAVE A NEW SWEATER. IT'S GREEN!" AND I'M A MORON! AND BLAAAH BLAHHHH BLAHHHHHH BLAHHHHHH BLAAAAAH BLAAAAAAAAH!
:(Takes a deep breath)
:Ashley: Well, that's all the time we have for today! Bye-bye everybody!

(after someone writes a letter in French)

Ashley: "WHAT KIND OF FRENCH FRY CUMQUAT WRITES TO AN AMERICAN TV SHOW IN STINKIN' FRENCH? DO I LOOK LIKE PIERRE ESCARGOT? DO YOU SEE ME IN A STINKIN' BATHTUB?"

Ashley: "Dear Ashley. That's me. 'Dear Ashley, I am a guy looking for love. You seem like one hot Toots. Will you marry me?' Well... I WILL STINKIN' NOT! WHAT KIND OF ANNOYING CREEP WRITES TO SOMEONE TO MARRY THEM!?"

Gina: "Like my name is Gina!"

Skye: You Dig

Danny Tamberelli

Janitor Gaseous: "Squat and rot!"

Jack Campbell: "I'm gonna have to inspect this refrigerator...with my face."

Jack Campbell: "I'm Jack Campbell,Fat Cop!."

Francis the Caveman: "Me Francis and I'm a caveman."

Christy Knowings

Jessica: "And like my name is Jessica!"

Winter Wonders: "Welcome to another episode of, What Do You Do!"

Jessica: "I Would die For The Skinless Chicken Breast

Gina [Bynes]:But Dont

Jessica:I Wont

Brenda Stone: "Well That's Nice"

Brenda Stone: "Oh, Ray. You're such a silly willy!"

Leon Frierson

Leroy: "Hey, Fuzz, do you want ride in a rocket?"

Fuzz [a puppet]: "That looks like a toilet."

Leroy: "It's a special puppet rocket."

Billy Fuco: "I'M BILLY FUCO!"

[There has been a long arguement over which Cloudy Knight singer should be top-billed.]

C.J.: "I'm the cutest, and I have the biggest 'fro, so the group will continue to be called 'C.J. and the Cloudy Knights.'"

Nick Cannon

LaTanya: "Okaaaaay!"

Sweaty Spice: "Boy Power!"

Mark Saul

Stuart: "Fine, I'm not the real [insert job]. I'm just a guy named Stuart. But you know something? If I was the real [insert job], I'd be the best [insert job] IN ALL THE LAND! People would come up to me and say 'Oh, Stuart, will you [perform job] for me? Because you're the best [insert job]...EVER!!!!!' You all sicken me!! Now I'm going to hop on my kangaroo and fly away."

Bailiff [Thompson]: "I'm the bailiff, you know the court room police."

Stuart: "And I'm a wolf." (howls like a wolf)

Hypno-Pants: "Stare into my butt!"

Murray: "Hey! Could you-hey! Could you bring me-hey! Could you bring me a balloon?"

Gabriel Iglesias

Bill Clinton: "Due to a shortage of the number 3, we are replacing it with the word 'chippermonkey'...One, two, chippermonkey, four."

Other

[The show opening]

Announcer [Soup]: "Fresh out the box! Stop, look, & watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!"

[Peter and Flem are performing the actions as narrated.]

Announcer: "Peter sharpens his pencil in a pencil sharpener. Flem sharpens his pencil in his belly button.

Announcer: "Peter runs five miles every morning. Flem runs from the police."

Announcer: "Peter does his homework neatly and carefully. Flem hits things with a hammer."

Announcer: "Peter likes to read. Flem can't."

Kevin Kopelow: "Five minutes! The show starts in five minutes!"

Dan Schneider: "Hiiiii, everyone! It's time for 'Ask Ashley'!"

Mr. Bailey [Schneider]: "I have to go home and shave Mother!"

Mýa Harrison: [Describing the perils of live television] "...And if things go horribly wrong, we'll show this video clip of Rhineheart the Dancing Monkey-Boy."

Everyone: "Let's have a round o' sound for our musical guest, [insert guest's name]!"

Dialogue

Amanda: Hey, everyone! Before the musical guest comes on, I wanted to show you my magic powers!

Audience: Ooh, aah!

Amanda: That's right! I'm going to turn these ice cubes into a glass of water!

(Puts the ice cubes into a glass; a few seconds go by)

Amanda: Hmmm. This trick usually takes a few hours. Hey, I know! I'll just turn this grapefruit into NSYNC instead! Alaka-ZAM!

(NSYNC appears)

JC Chasez: Where are we?

Justin Timberlake: And why do we smell like grapefruit?

Amanda: HELP! HELP! I NEED HELP!

Danny: What's wrong?

Amanda: I need help.

Danny: Well, I'm right here.

(long pause)

Amanda: KENAN! KEL!

Kenan: What's wrong? Was Danny bothering?

Kel: Because we'll take care of him.

(At a bank, a fake Superdude [Amanda Bynes] is up to no good.)

Fake Superdude: All right! I'm Superdude! And if you don't give me all of your money, I'll...uh...use my superpowers to destroy you!

Weird Voiced Man: Why is Superdude being so mean?

Frightened Girl: I don't know! Oh, someone help us!

(There is a crash, and the real Superdude [Kenan Thompson] appears)

Superdude: Don't worry, I'm here-Superdude! The teenage superhero with powers that astound the stupid! And...

(The music becomes slow and romantic)

Superdude: I also enjoy long walks on the beach, riding my bike through the park, and laughing while eating ice cream cones...

(The music abruptly changes)

Sweaty Lady: HEY! You can't be Superdude! Superdude is over there!

Superdude: What are you...hey! Who are you?

Fake Superdude: I'm Superdude, you fake!

Superdude: Are you crazy? These people know I'm-

Penny Lane: Which one is the real Superdude?

Superdude: You actually...OK, I'll fix this right now.

(He picks up a steel bar and twists it into a knot. The people nod and clap.)

Fake Superdude: WAIT! I've got super-strength too! Watch this and be amazed!

(She takes a piece of paper and tears it in half with great difficulty.)

Frightened Girl: Oh, no! She's got super powers, too!

Weird Voiced Man: I can't tell which is which!

Superdude: What is the MATTER with you people?

Sweaty Lady: I've got an idea! Everyone knows that Superdude is lactose intolerant!

Weird Voiced Man: What does that mean?

Frightened Girl: It means that he is weakened by his inability to digest and touch dairy products.

Sweaty Lady: So if we dump this pitcher of milk I have back here on them, only the real Superdude will get hurt!

Penny Lane: The Sweaty Lady's right! Let's do it!

(They throw the milk on the two. Fake Superdude is not harmed, but the real one falls to the floor, gasping)

Weird Voiced Man: Oh, no! That one fell on the floor!

Sweaty Lady: That means that he's the real Superdude, and THAT'S just a bank robber in a costume!

Fake Superdude: The Sweaty Lady's right!

Sweaty Lady: HEY! I'M ON A ROLL!

Fake Superdude: Get off it, lady! And now that the real Superdude is out cold, no one can stop me from robbing you!

(She loads up money and starts to leave)

Fake Superdude: Whoops! I almost forgot the free toaster that comes with every withdrawal!

Penny Lane: Oh, what can we do? She's getting away!

Frightened Girl: If we could just get the milk off of Superdude, he would be fine!

Weird Voiced Man: But how can we do that?

Sweaty Lady: I've got this blow dryer!

Frightened Girl: Great! Come on, everyone!

(They run the blow dryer, and the milk begins to run off of Superdude. Soon, he is fine)

Superdude: I'm OK!

People: YAY!

Everyone: SUPERDUDE THAT WAS AWESOME! SUPERDUDE THAT WAS AWESOME!

(Detective Dan [Josh Server] has ruined Helga's [Danny Tamberelli]'s wedding.

Helga: YOOOOUUU!! You have angered Helga! (grabs Dectective Dan by his trench coat) Now you must pay!

Detective Dan: Don't mind if I do!

(Earboy [Josh Server] visits Ross Perot [Katrina Thompson]. Earboy notices a bearded man in a box in the middle of the room.)

Earboy: Who is that?

Ross Perot?: Oh, him! That's just my pet.

Earboy: A homeless man?

Ross Perot: Yeah, I found him one day. I liked him, so I took him home.

Earboy: You've got a sick mind.

Ross Perot: I know!

(The Island Girls Visted By Kiki's Sister)

Didi: Hello Hello

Kiki: I Wonder Who That Is

Fran: Who Cares Its A Person (Pause) It's A Person That's Not you!

Fran: Thank You, Who Ever You Are, I'm Rescued, I'm Rescued, Finally I'm Rescued, Who Are You?

(Didi Takes Off Her Goggles)

Kiki: Didi!

Didi: Kiki!

Fran: Kiki Who Is This?

Kiki: This Is My Sister Didi,Didi This Is My Bestest Friend Fran (Hugs Fran)

Fran: Your Sister!

(What The Whatever Girls Usally Say)

Gina (Bynes):Okay
Jessica (Knowings):Okay
Gina:Okay
Jessica:Okay
Both:Okay

Chelsea Brummet

Bridgett: "Welcome to my slumber party! The only thing I think about besides boys is boys!"

Abby Rhoades: "Like, okay, okay?"

Mega Butt: "Butt powers ACTIVATE!"

Jack DeSena

Slimon Bowel: "I hate you all."

Randy Quench: "Here comes me!"

Randy Quench: I'm Randy Quench! Volunteer Fireman!

Carson Daly: "I'm now bleeding from the ears! I hope you're happy!"

Lisa Foiles

Claudia: "When life gives me lemons, I suck them."

Claudia: "Can I puke?"

Heather Darling: "INCOMING!!!"

Heather Darling: "That's my name!"

Kaffy: "MY HEART IS POUNDING LIKE A JACKHAMMER!"

Kyle Sullivan

Harry Bladder: "Weenius nosium!"

[Sacco (Lyons) had enlarged Herhiney's (Foiles) butt.]

Harry Bladder: "Look what you did to her heinie!"

Brian Peafest: "Who will be the next American Idiot?"

Buzz: "MY PULSE IS RACING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT!"

Ernie: "Here comes the loopy-de-loop."

Giovonnie Samuels

Mandy Snackson: "Dawg, you did your thing."

Driving Instructor: "Don't be distracted by distractions!"

Bryan Hearne

Re-Ron: "I'm Harry Bladder's precocious best friend!"

Zigfried: "KUMQUAT!...jerk."

Jamie Lynn Spears

Thelma Stump: "Got any bacon?...Bacon's goooood."

Carlee:"I'm Carlee--"

Marlee [Foiles]: "--and I'm Marlee--"

Both: "--and we have a passion for trashin' fashion! Uh-huh!"

Christina Kirkman

Cindy Lou Rougeneck: "I want some babyback ribs!"

Sunshine Sally: "So, go get the tacos."

Kianna Underwood

Kareena Jones: "Sas-er-frass!"

Kareena Jones: "No flapjacks for you TODAY!!"

Denzel Whitaker

Cupid: "I don't like it now, and I didn't like it when I was a tall white guy!" (the part had previously been played by Lyons)

Jeff Bester: "When it comes to safety, I know bester!"

Jeff Bester: "Yo-yo's going crazy."

Other

Lady in Shane's Mouth [Schneider]: "Don't live in a mouth!"

Brian Peck: "Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..."

Quoternity