All in the Family
All in the Family was a groundbreaking television sitcom aired on the CBS network from 1971-1979. It placed number one in the Nielsen ratings for five consecutive years in the 1970s.
Lionel: Uh, "David" and "Sarah"; two Jewish names!
Archie: "David" and "Sarah": two names right out of the Bible, which has got nothin' to do with the Jews.
Lionel: Now there you are, Mr. Bunker, you should be proud of the fact that you're Jewish.
Archie: But I ain't Jewish!
Edith: I didn't know you was Jewish.
Dear Mr. President, Your Honor, Sir:
I personally don't agree with all the contegration on the college campuses. Or them ecology nuts, who only see disaster in this great country of ours. But like "Duke" Wayne would say, "We came off the mat before when the going was tough." And I know that, so long as we all work together, this nation under God shall not diminish from the earth.
Anyway, my regards to your vice, Mr. Agnew. And special regards to Mrs. Nixon, and Tricia, who I know you wouldn't let drink no water, except in the best.
Edith: Actually, something interesting did happen today. Oh no, that was yesterday.
Archie (addressing Mike): Poland. The land that gave us rare and delicate dishes such as?
Gloria: Polish sausage is very good.
Archie: You ought to know, you married one.
Mr. Rabinowitz: In a court of law, you can't beat a station wagon filled with nuns!
Edith: Probably.
Archie: What do you mean "probably?"
Edith: I mean, probably I did.
Archie: But "probably you did" could also mean "probably you didn't." That's the way it is with a word like "probably"... right?
(Pause)
Edith: Probably.
Mike: You know, I don't think there's one thing about us you agree with.
Archie: I agree with that.
Edith: Mike was home.
Archie: Like I said, there was nobody here.
Archie: You give my daughter a baby, and you can't even support a goldfish.
Lionel: What we do is take all our spray cans and shove them into special shelves. So what you could do is... shove yours.
(pause)
Archie: You know, a guy could take that two ways.
Mike: Yeah, but knowing Lionel, he probably only meant it one way.
Edith: With all the money you pay them, can't the doctors help themselves?
Gloria: Paul is burning incense. I think it's nice.
Archie: It smells like a house of ill refute!
Archie: Well, you don't work, maybe we'd better throw you out.
Gloria: Oh Daddy, didn't they have any good weather when you were growing up?
Mike: I think they invented good weather around 1940.
Edith: Oh, I remember some sunny days.
Archie: That must have been before we met.
Lionel: No, not too much. You see, we're still working on plain old liberation.
Mike: That's right. And using you's gonna launch them right into Cafe Society!
Archie: Every picture I've seen of God, he's white.
Henry: Well, maybe you were looking at the negative.
Archie: Yeah, around lunchtime.
Archie: What do you want me to do? Spend $600 on a funeral for a guy who used to sit on my face?
Edith: He'll never do it again.
Mike: Well, that explains everything.
Archie: That's why your coloreds have to behave better, they gotta act nicer, they gotta try harder...
Lionel: Yeah, that's right, we's like Avis.
Gloria: If Michael gets arrested, they'll book him and fingerprint him, and it'll be on his record. And then when he goes to look for a job --
Archie: When? When? When?
Mike: Malaria.
Archie: When it comes to defense, democracy's gonna have to wait.
Archie: I ain't no bigot. I'm the first guy to say, "It ain't your fault that youse are colored."
(after the robbers laugh about their past)
Edith: I don't know how you can laugh through all that misery.
Coke: Practice, lady. Practice.
Coke: What do we have here? Cash!
Edith: You can't have it!
Coke: I beg your pardon? Who's the crook here?
Edith's Song:
Everyone is someone, if you love them
Love can make a hero from a chump
Love can make a useless man seem useful
Love can grow a flower from a dump
If you dare to reach out to a stranger
You may find you've found a friend indeed
'Cause everyone is someone if you love them
'Cause love is something everybody needs.
Edith: Well, that's where the... mmm-MMMM-mmm came in... You see, I was coming out of the supermarket with my basket full of mmm-MMMM-mmm. And there was Mrs. Duncan with her new baby. I took a peek in the carriage, but I couldn't see the baby too well, he was all...
Archie: Will you get on with the story?
Edith: Well, I knew I had to say something nice about the baby, so I went "Oh! Isn't that a beautiful baby!" And when I went "Oh!", the shopping basket got away from me, rolled down the hill and smashed into this parked car and scratched the fender. And then, this can of mmm-MMMM-mmm... in heavy syrup... jumped out and made a big dent in the hood!
(pause)
Edith: It was a freak accident!
Gloria: Oh Michael, don't be childish.
Archie: Let him be childish!
(Archie has been in the bathroom over 20 minutes
Edith: Archie! When are ya coming out?
Archie: Why, ya selling the house?
Edith: You've been in there for 20 minutes.
Archie: Who are you, the official timekeeper?
Edith: What are you doing in there anyway?
Archie: I'm changing the tile! One more word out of ya and I ain't never coming out!
Archie: I'm going down to Kelcy's saloon... where the only problem is closing time!
(trying to help Mike with his problem)
Archie: This is what you gotta do. Before you go to sleep at night, sit down and say to yourself, "Is there anything else that I forgot to do?" You could even write yourself a little note... All I'm saying is, before you go to bed, look around, see what's there... read your note!
Archie: It's because of this depression, or recession, or whatever they're calling it.
Mike: Nixon calls it a recent upswing in the economic picture.
Archie: What I say ain't got nothing to do with what I think.
Archie: Can't you ask me an intelligent question?
Mike: I didn't want to confuse you.
Wendell: Well, Uncle Archie... Let me make this perfectly clear.
Mike: Where have I heard that one before?
Little Emmanuel: Archie! Por favor?
Archie: Yeah, pour some more.
Maude: Did you hear me? I said breakfast was on the table.
Archie: I heard ya. So did every moose up in Canada!
Archie: Wait a minute... custard for them, what the hell do you call this?
Maude: It's my own invention: Cream Of Wheat with cheese... It's light, but it binds.
Archie: It looks like something I ate and lost.
Archie: You're in my chair, Maude!
Maude: So?
Archie: I wanna sit in my chair!
Maude: Oh?
Archie: Ya gonna get out of that chair?
Maude: NO!
Archie: This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt!
Maude: You're fat.
Archie: Why don't you tell them (the Puerto Rican couple) about it? You speak their lingo, don't ya?
Hubert: What makes you think I speak their lingo?
Archie: Well, figured you learned some of it living up in Harlem.
Hubert: What makes you think I live in Harlem?
Archie: You look it.
Hubert: What makes you think?
Archie: Aw, get outta here. Mickey Mouse ain't got no race. He stands for all men.
Mike: That's why Walt (Disney) made him a mouse.
Gloria: Ma, have you been more forgetful lately?
Edith: Forgetful? I don't know, let me think.
Gloria: Ma?
Edith: Gloria, what did you just ask me?
Gloria: Nowadays, with simple hormone treatment, there are no unpleasant manifestations.
Edith: Well, my Aunt Elizabeth went through this, and she didn't get manifestations... she got a mustache!
(showing Edith a Disney World brochure)
Archie: Look at this, an all-bear band.
Edith: A naked band at Disney World?
Archie: Well, menopause is a tough time to be going through, especially for nervous types. So he prescribed these here pills.
Mike: Oh, good.
Archie: I gotta take three of them a day.
Archie: Oh, she's all right, but for the next couple weeks, but you can't expect to see the regular dingbat flying around here. Till these here pills take effect, you're gonna be looking at super dingbat.
Archie: Edith... If you're going to have the change of life, you've got to do it right now! I'm giving ya just 30 seconds; now c'mon, change!
Edith: Can I finish my soup first?
Mike: Why, you afraid the government might read it?
Mr. Bradford: How would you describe Mr. Grundy's drinking habits?
Archie: He seldom buys.
Archie: Oh well. All that "best buddy" stuff... it's all for kids anyhow.
Edith: Oh, Archie, you're home.
Archie: No, Edith, I'm still at work. What you see standing here is merely a pigment of your imagination.
Gloria: We have some more talking to do.
Mike: More talking? Gloria, it's 5:30 in the morning. You've said everything there is to say... twice.
Gloria: You miserable creep.
Mike: You said that three times.
Gloria: Most people's mistakes don't walk in the front door and say, "Hi, Daddy!"
Mike: Well, you better tell the truth.
Archie: Forget the truth, listen to me!
Mike: (to Gloria) Will you stay out of this, please?
Archie: Hold it! She's making sense. And a husband ought to listen to his wife.
Edith: Archie --
Archie: Dry up!
Archie: Them Sicilians are famous for two things: Spaghetti and revenge.
Mr. Vechino: (to Edith) A person like your Archie makes you feel real good to belong to the human race.
Mike: Yeah, maybe one of these days, we'll get him to join it.
Mr. Vechino: (referring to God) He sees everything! He knows everything we do!
Archie: Get outta here, you don't really believe that.
Mr. Vechino: Yes, I do!
Archie: Then how come youse people are always running to confession, telling Him what's happening?
Mr. Vechino: Now we're getting the truth! It's because I'm catholic that you ain't helping me!
Archie: That ain't the truth. I'd say the same thing even if you belonged to the right church!
Edith: Look at this! You must have forgot to separate the coloreds from the whites.
Mike: (incredulous) Archie? Forget to separate the coloreds from the whites?
Mike: (turning off TV) C'mon, I'll turn it on as soon as soon as you give me the first few lines of the National Anthem!
Archie: Oh say, can you see by the dawn's early light... what so proudly we hail, of thee I sing.
Gloria: Your Honor, as the baliff's wife, I object to this kind of language.
Mike: That's right, and I suggest that Mr. Bunker be held in contempt of court!
Archie: Until you start paying rent around here, you're in contempt of house!
Edith: Well, I liked being called a "Goddess of Beauty", but somehow it seemed more permanent when your father called me a dingbat.
Archie: When I come home from work, and I say "What's new, Edith?", I want her to tell me what's new, even if it's twenty-five years old!
(regarding the Witthauser incident)
Archie: You're going to have to ask me to forgive ya.
Edith: All right. Forgive me?
Archie: Then you admit it, huh?
Edith: There's nothing to admit.
Archie: Then what are you asking me to forgive you for?
Edith: I don't know; you asked me to ask you...
Walter: (Carol) was married before, she has an eight-year old son, she's had half-dozen affairs... So in all that heavy traffic, how did she manage that tricky U-turn back to purity and innocence?
Maude: God'll get you for that, Walter.
Maude: Still fighting mental health, eh, Archie?
Maude: Archie, you have ruined my daughter's wedding!
Archie: Well, that makes us even, Maude, because you ruined my weekend!
Archie: Well that depends, Meathead, on whether you was coming in or going out.
Archie: All them old Bible people, they was always eating meat, soon as they found out eating apples was wrong... Goats, lambs - who the hell ever heard of sacrificing a head of lettuce?
(looking up the right to bear arms in the U.S. Constitution)
Archie: It's right there in your Second Ammendment.
Edith: Oh no, Archie. That's the one that says "Thou shalt not make any grave an image."
Archie: That ain't the Constitution, Edith. What you said is the Gettysburg Address.
Gloria: Did you know that 65% of the people murdered in this country were killed by handguns?
Archie: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?
Mr. Bennett: So how do you propose to stop people killing people?
Archie: That's easy, you bring back the death penalty!
Mike: Drivers don't mean to kill people.
Archie: Oh no? You ain't driven a cab yet, bud.
Archie: Yeah, what'd you do? Bend your library card?
Mike: You could never do what I did today.
Archie: Yeah? What was you doing?
Mike: Thinking.
Edith: I don't want you going to jail, Archie.
Archie: I ain't going to jail!
Edith: You never could get used to a strange bathroom.
Gloria: Oh, reincarnation?
Edith: Yeah!
Barney: Hey, do you know any Polish jokes?
Archie: Are you kidding? I got one living in the house with me!
Mike: That's going to take a lot of pretending.
Gloria: Was your father strict with you, I mean, on who you went out with?
Edith: Oh, yeah. The boy had to be kind, and thoughtful, and a gentleman.
Mike: How did Archie ever pass that test?
Archie: If God had intended white people to dance with coloreds --
Mike: He'd have given us rhythm, too.
Lionel: Now we've been friends, and we can go on being friends. But when it comes to black, white, and all the other wonderful thoughts you have in between -- put a lid on that, Archie.
Henry: If they want to mix up the races, let 'em. But we're going to keep ours pure! No more of that cream into the coffee!
Henry: (to Archie) If you don't learn to keep your mouth shut, we ain't never gonna get rid of the pollution!
Edith: No. Neither have I.
Archie: What's this all about here?
Edith: Oh, I don't know. I won't know until tomorrow.
Archie: You know, you better keep a sharp lookout.
Edith: What for?
Archie: For the dingbat catcher.
Edith: Your letter said you was coming tomorrow night.
Ruth Rempley: I wrote the letter yesterday. So when I said "tomorrow", I meant today.
Edith: But I read the letter today. And when you read "tomorrow" today, tomorrow is tomorrow.
Edith: (opening a package of perfume) Chanel No.5! That's their highest number!
Ruth Rempley: We were drowning. Swinging saved us!
Edith: I think I would rather have drowned.
Edith: I was arrested.
Archie: No dice to no psychiatrist!
Mike: Why not?
Archie: Anybody that goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined!
Mike: Well, it was rough, ma --
Archie: Wait a minute, she's asking me about my day, not yours.
Mike: Since when do you own the day? I had a day, too.
Archie: She's asking me about my day, right, Edith?
Edith: Yeah. I was gonna ask you, Mike, but I was asking Archie first. How was your day?
Archie: I don't wanna talk about it.
Archie: Lucky me. I got the only Polack who showers regularly.
Mike: Here's a dime, Arch.
Archie: Oh, a dime ain't going to pay for all your showers.
Mike: No, but it'll pay for yours.
Edith: If it wasn't for his Uncle Alex, Mike would be in Poland right now!
Archie: Out of respect for the dead, I ain't going to say nothing.
Archie: They don't like a guy like McGovern who's running around changing his mind all the time. They want a man like Nixon who don't change for nothing!
Mike: You're right about that, Arch. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.
Archie: Take your gorilla. Your gorilla wants his kid to grow up better than him too! But the kid grows up, and there he is, still a gorilla!
Archie: The night is young, meathead.
Archie: (regarding Mike's Uncle Casimir) He's got two strikes against him from the start.
Mike: What do you mean by that?
Archie: Well, he's Polish, strike one... and, he's Polish, strike two.
Archie: All I'm saying is that I don't want to discuss no wedding arrangements with a substitute-ski!
Mike: It's very simple, Mrs. Bunker. I'm an Agnostic.
Edith: Ohhh... You mean you want a Rabbi?
Archie: It's worse than that, Edith! I think it means he can't have kids!
Mike: (to Archie) Whether you like it or not, people do make love every now and then.
Edith: More then than now.
Archie: That might be an improvement, Edith.
Mike: Doubleheader today, huh, Arch?
Archie: What do you mean by that?
Mike: You're going to cheat the insurance company and Ma.
Deliveryman: Look at this, Angelo. A whole half a buck.
Angelo: Why don't you tell (Archie) what he can do with it?
Deliveryman: I'd rather see him do it with the TV set.
Archie: (to Edith) How is it always when you do the best thing, it turns out the worst?
Archie: That's what I've been asking you ever since you married him.
Gloria: Michael, that's our money. We each contribute in our own way.
Archie: That's right. You contribute deposits, he contributes withdrawls.
Archie: All them surgeons, they're highway robbers. Why do you think they wear masks when they operate?
Archie: McKenzie costs more because the best always cost more. That's how you tell what's good in America: it costs more.
Mr. Duval: Archie! Aren't you going to introduce me to your family? Your wife (Louise) looks charming!
Archie: Jean, listen. Her and me ain't married.
Mr. Duval: Even better! She gave you a fine-looking son anyway.
Archie: She never gave me nothing but chicken soup here. Lionel, tell Jean you ain't my son.
Lionel: Okay, whatever you say, Pop.
Archie: Where's Gloria?
Mike: Oh, she said she'd stop by on her way from work.
Archie: I wish you could say you'd stop by on the way from work.
Mike: (sarcastic) You know Arch, it's really a thrill visiting you.
Archie: I told you, it ain't age! It's the ink they use in the newspaper.
Edith: I've needed glasses for years, and you're older than I am.
Archie: That's only because I was born first.
Archie: (to Kelsey) Why don't you go back to bartender's school and take a course in "shut up"?
Mike: (to Gloria) We're living in the Watergate Hotel here.
Mike: What about your father? How can you trust him again? The next thing you know, he's going to be bugging our bed!
Archie: The only bug in your bed is when you hop in it!
(Gloria is crying after Mike walks out)
Edith: He'll be back as soon as he gets over being mad.
Archie: Yeah, which should be around dinnertime.
Archie: Wait a minute, where are you going?
Edith: I'm her mother, that's where I'm going!
Archie: Ringing the bell on a Sunday, it's a day of rest! Don't people read their Bibles no more? What happened to Christianity anyhow?... Whoever that is, tell them to get the hell outta here!
Edith: (referring to Mavis Pike) She's a women's lib! It means she's not a "Mrs.", and she's not a "Ms." neither.
Archie: What does that make her, a near-Ms.?
Mavis: Edith, I was going to ask you if you've had an interesting life... but he saved me the trouble.
Willie: Tony Roselli!
Archie: Huh?
Willie: Tony Roselli... I never forget a face!
Archie: You just broke your record.
Classmate: GOD, he was beautiful!
Archie: That's for suppertime, see? And that's the alarm you're gonna hear every night around this time, Edith, to show you that supper should be on the table.
Edith: Well, suppose I'm in another room and I don't hear it?
Gloria: Then you'll hear the old alarm, Ma... Edith, get supper on the table!
Edith: Archie, that sounded just like you!
Archie: Oh, really? Then why don't it make you move?
Archie: What the hell am I eating?
Edith: "Yankee Stew."
Archie: Well, the Yankees struck out.
Edith: I saw something about a watch like that on Mannix.
Archie: Yeah, what?
Edith: Or was it Let's Make A Deal?
Archie: What would make you think that?
Mike: It's cheap.
"Evil" Archie: You dumb meatheaded, unemployed, oversexed pinko Professor of Polack you!
"Good" Mike: Those are not very kind things to say. But I'll try to do better.
"Evil" Mike: You're saying I'm the one that broke the refridgerator. Well, I'm not the only one who uses it, you know! I'm not the only one who eats around here, you know! We all eat! You eat as much as I do!
"Evil" Gloria: Michael's right, daddy. He's right and he's always right! Did you hear me? He's always right!
"Good" Archie: Well of course he is, he's a college boy.
"Evil" Jack: You best tell the dude this house call's gonna cost him 32 bills, for openers.
"Evil" Repairman: And sixteen bucks for every five minutes after the half-hour.
"Good" Archie: Very reasonable.
"Good" Repairman: Before it broke down, was the light working, Mrs. Bunker?
Edith: Well, off and on.
"Good" Repairman: How do you mean?
Edith: Well, on when I opened it... and off when I closed it.
"Evil" Jack: You know something? You irritate me.
"Good" Archie: Maybe we can sit down and discuss it, and I'll learn how to improve myself.
Mike: You never talked that rational in your life!
Archie: I don't talk rational, because I make sense!
Archie: Read your story of Adam & Eve there. They had it pretty soft there in paradise, they didn't have no worries, they didn't even know they was naked! And Eve, she wasn't satisfied with that, see? And one day, against direct orders she made poor Adam eat that apple. God got sore, He told them "Get your clothes on and get the hell outta here."
Edith: "Nothing" just came into my mind.
Archie: It must have felt right at home there.
Archie: How dare (Mike) calls me a bonehead?
Gloria: And how did you hear that? Did you have your little ears pressed against the wall?
Archie: No!
Edith: He listened with this glass.
Mike: You!
Archie: What?
Mike: YOU!
Archie: What!
Mike: GAAAAAAHHHH!
Archie: (to Edith) He made more sense when he was coming through the glass.
Edith: So before you two start saying things to each other that you can never take back, stop. And think how much you really mean to each other.
Edith: Do you think I'm something?
Archie: You, Edith, are something else.
Archie: All right, all right, Edith. I'll find out for myself. I'd like to get the story before the first of the month.
Mr. Quigley: They've got all kinds of medicines to keep us living longer and longer. Now they've got us living longer, they don't know what to do with us.
Mike: Why can't Mr. Quigley stay with us for a few days?
Archie: Because we've already got one freeloader living with me, and bread's up ten cents a loaf!
Mr. Quigley: No, and we aren't going to get married, either.
Jo: If we did, there'd be no point in living together.
Archie: Don't remind me!
Archie: Let me tell you something about beer: You can never buy beer, you can only rent it.
Mike: By now, (Archie) probably realizes it's his fault, he's going to walk in here, he's not going to say anything about it, and I don't believe a word I just said.
Archie: I demand an apology.
Edith: It's you that's gotta apologize to me.
Archie: I gotta? That's like asking Pearl Harbor to apologize to the Japs.
Edith: No, and I can't tell you what it is!
Archie: I think you found the goose that laid the golden prune.
Mike: If something goes wrong, if you've got a complaint, wouldn't you rather talk to a human being face-to-face?
Archie: Sure I would. But all I got is you.
Edith: I don't want nobody to be dead.
Archie: Edith, somebody's gotta be dead; that's life.
Mike: Is there anything for me?
Archie: No, nothing for you, Meathead, just for your mother-in-law. Sympathy cards.
Mike: Those people probably found out you're still alive.
Lionel: What's the first thing you say whenever I see you? Always something about the "black problem", right?
Mike: Well, what do you want me to talk about, the weather?
Lionel: Well, sometimes, yeah! I mean, black people have weather, too!
Mike: There's a storm at sea. The boat overturns, and your mother and I are drowning. Which one of us would you save? Just answer the question, which one of us would you save?
Gloria: That is NOT a fair question!
Mike: Why not?
Gloria: Because I can't swim!
Mike: But criticism is the whole point of this game! There's no fun without it!
Frank: Yeah. And so far, you've been a barrel of fun.
Archie: What?
Irene: "You can do better than that, Irene."
Archie: (drunk in cellar) Last will and tentacle.
Archie: This ain't something a man usually tells a woman: I love you, Edith.
Edith: I know that, Archie.
Archie: You mean I didn't have to say it?
Archie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Irene: I bet that means, "Who needs her around on my day off?"
Edith: Archie didn't mean that... did you, Archie?
Archie: Don't ever argue with a guest, Edith.
(regarding women Olympic gold medalists)
Archie: Even the judges couldn't figure them out, they had to give them one of them her-mone tests... Found out that most of them had more his-mones than her-mones.
Mike: How long have you been believing in curses?
Archie: How long have you been living here?
Mike: Of course there is magic all the time. You even find magic in the Bible.
Archie: Oh, shut up! You atheist you! The Bible is filled miracles, no magic. God didn't fool around with no magic.
Mike: What about Sodom and Gomorrah? When Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt?
Archie: That's because when she was running away from them two dirty cities, she stopped to take a look at her behind.
A stunned Mike slams his head against the table.
Gloria: Didn't you just say we have an equal partnership? Fifty-fifty?
Mike: Yeah. Everything is fifty-fifty. But I'm the fifty that should be heard from first!
Mike: Take the animal kingdom. The male is always in charge!
Gloria: Oh yeah? Did you ever hear of a "king" bee?
(Mike makes up a story about seeing another woman)
Mike: I'm telling you, it was beautiful. I don't know how to explain it, but there was instant communication between us.
Gloria: Oh, I can explain it. You talked, and she listened.
Mike: You kissed a perfect stranger on a street corner?
Gloria: Nope, right on the lips!
Archie: Well, if I did, at least he'd fetch it. You'd eat it.
Archie: Being happy is part of being crazy.
Mike: Retarded people have no more of a sex drive than anyone else.
Archie: Oh, yeah? Then why are you on automatic all the time?
George's Sign: "Every man is my superior, in that I may learn from him."
Archie: We ain't waitin' for him. C'mon, get it on.
Gloria: We always wait for you.
Archie: That, little girl, happens to be because I'm the breadwinner in this house. Your husband is the crumb.
Mike: Do you realize that before 1968, there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective? But in 1972, there were nearly eight million cars recalled.
Archie: And do you realize that in 1974, who cares?
Archie: So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it, 100 to 1.
Mike: What is that? The New Math?
Mike: What do you want me to do? Do you see a "sneeze" on this dial?
Patient in Sling: Doc, doc, doc... what about my arm?
Doctor: Hang onto it.
Archie: The bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory.
Mike: How are you going to do that?
Archie: Haven't you ever heard of the olden days, the days of kings? The king used to have a special cook to taste the food. The cook dropped down dead, the king said, "See?" Then the king went into the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself.
Archie: I don't wanna fight with the fish, I wanna catch them.
Edith: Castor Oil cheered you up?
Archie: It'd be "cheered up", or get another dose.
Mike: (to Gloria) You realize how many boring things I've got to do in a single day to drive me crazy? I've got to get up, I've gotta brush my teeth, I have to shave -- and I hate to shave. There are days where I stand there debating with that mirror: Should I shave, or should I cut my throat? But I shave.
Archie: You know, it's too bad you always lose that argument.
Archie: Oh, that energy crisis. I wish you'd come up with one of those hot flashes of yours when we need it.
Archie: Look at this: Rip Van Meathead.
Archie: Do you ever watch your husband dress himself in the morning?
Gloria: Sometimes.
Archie: Did you know that he puts on a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe, instead of a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe?
Gloria: What?
Archie: What's the sense in asking you? You wear pantyhose.
Edith: You know, I think most marriages break up because people don't wait long enough to recognize each other again.
Mike: That is the stupidest damn thing you've ever said.
Gloria: Swearing's just the sign of a small mind.
Archie: Aw, shut the hell up.
Archie: Respect is for the dead. The living need dough.
Munson: (to Edith) Twenty-six years with Archie. You sure did some woman a big favor.
Edith: Mike, would you please pass these sandwiches around?
Archie: No, no, no. That's like asking the elephant to pass the peanuts.
George: (to Archie) I'm talking about your unions asking for higher wages. It's bad for the country.
Lionel: If it's bad for the country, how come you raised the prices in the cleaning store?
Archie: He done that?
Lionel: He did on the white clothes.
George: You know something, Lionel? You're the reason we never had a second child.
Archie: When a guy asks a girl to get married, that's the highest compliment he can pay.
Louise: And it's usually the last one, too.
Archie: If you were to come in here, fresh off of the street, applying for the job of my son-in-law, I wouldn't hire you.
Mike: And if I knew you came with the job, I wouldn't take it.
Archie: Edith, you done good! Your heart was in the right place. But your brain was out to lunch.
Mike: Don't worry Ma, you never do.
Archie: If a woman don't have no experience, then she should stick to unskilled labor, like being a wife.
Edith: But that don't pay nothing.
Archie: But it ain't supposed to pay nothing, Edith. You're supposed to be satisfied with the, what do you call it, unseen rewards.
Edith: How would you like an unseen dinner?
Archie: Edith, with you, a "surprise" could be anything from a runaway horse to a Puerto Rican.
(Mike gets a part-time job)
Archie: Between $20 and $25 a week? And you've got the nerve... to eat cake?
Archie: Anyways, (a bald spot) is a sign of brains. You know the old saying, "Grass don't grow on a busy street"?
Edith: And it don't grow in cement, neither.
Archie: It's the only thing you ain't tried in that room yet!
George: I don't want no daughter-in-law who's a zebra.
Louise: Why not? She don't mind a father-in-law who's a jack-ass!
Edith: Good morning, Louise... Heeeeere's Lionel!
Archie: Who the hell are you now, Fred McMahon?
Louise: Edith, you're a doll. How did we find neighbors like you?
Archie: You moved out of Harlem.
Lionel: Can I call you "Uncle Archie"?
Archie: Well, I'll tell ya, Lionel... I think it's against the law.
George: Don't worry, we can start all over again... you can give me another boy.
Louise: You better call Parcel Post... 'cause I've stopped making deliveries!
Louise: And you know what happens to blacks with no education, and looking for a job. They are last on the list.
George: No they ain't, the Puerto Ricans are last.
Archie: He's right Louise, the Puerto Ricans are last. Only they don't know it because they can't read the list.
Edith: Not always.
Gloria: Just tell me once when he didn't get his way, just once.
Edith: When he wanted a boy.
Archie: Why don't you do what all the men do with their bright ideas? They drop them in the suggestion box.
Irene: Oh, good. Where is the suggestion box?
Archie: You know where the mens' toilet is?
Irene: Yeah.
Archie: There's three of 'em in there.
Archie: (disputing Irene's claims about equal pay) In the Bible, it says God made man in His own image. And he made women after, from a rib -- cheaper cut.
Archie: Let me tell you this: Equality is unfair!
Archie: It makes a man stop and think when he's just been the victim of a miracle.
Mike: Arch, did you ever stop to think... When that crate dropped, maybe God was out to get you, and missed?
Mike: I tried fixing that toilet again, I can't do it. Maybe we'll just have to get another one.
Gloria: Yeah. Two heads are better than one.
Archie: Fightin' that copper ball takes all the fun out of going to the toilet!
Archie: Sure, four score and seven years ago.
Mike: Racial balance is important in everything. Take education: Why do you think it's so tough for a black student to become a doctor?
Archie: Because nobody wants to see a black guy coming at them with a knife.
Archie: (to Edith) Don't be singing, the neighbors will think I'm killing ya here.
Archie: Yeah. I think we traded some destroyers for them.
Mr. Scanlan: Now, we have a contract, Mr. Bunker --
Gloria: Signed under duress.
Archie: Yeah, without knowing I was under the dress.
George: Ain't there some law against taking advantage of the simple-minded?
Archie: Well, is there? Because if there ain't, their oughta be.
Louise: Where we does our kitchening.
Mr. Bentley: Take a walk on the small of my back, would you?
George: Say what?
Louise: Well, you wanted to move up to the East Side. Take a walk!
Louise: Lionel, you better go to your room. I don't want you to get hit by your father.
Lionel: Why is he going to hit me?
Louise: Because I'm not sure where I'm going to throw him!
Mike: What if they do that next year?
Archie: What I won't live long enough to see is a Meathead on a payroll.
Archie: I'm married. They give me five years for having Edith. Thought they'd dock me for that.
Mike: "Deduct three years for wealthy or poor."
Archie: Wealthy or poor? What the hell else is there?
Gloria: Middle-class, which is what we are.
Mike: Well, actually, we're lower-middle class.
Archie: As I remember it, we was "upper" until you joined the family.
Archie: If you keep minusing, I'll be dead in 1965!
Archie: Give me plus-four!
Gloria: Minus, daddy.
Archie: If you don't let me win a few, you're going to be minus daddy!
(referring to Archie)
Edith: He'll listen to you. Deep down, he respects you.
Mike: I hate to dive that deep.
Common Quotes =
Archie:
Edith:
Unattributed =
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Theme song
- Archie (Carroll O'Connor) and Edith (Jean Stapleton) singing during the opening credits of every show:
- Boy, the way Glenn Miller played. Songs that made the hit parade.
Guys like us, we had it made. Those were the days.
And you knew who you were then, girls were girls and men were men.
Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.
Didn't need no welfare state. Everybody pulled his weight.
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great. Those were the days.-
- Those Were The Days, written by Lee Adams and Charles Strouse.
-
- Boy, the way Glenn Miller played. Songs that made the hit parade.
Meet The Bunkers
(attempting to brand Archie as Jewish; referring to his parents)Lionel: Uh, "David" and "Sarah"; two Jewish names!
Archie: "David" and "Sarah": two names right out of the Bible, which has got nothin' to do with the Jews.
Lionel: Now there you are, Mr. Bunker, you should be proud of the fact that you're Jewish.
Archie: But I ain't Jewish!
Edith: I didn't know you was Jewish.
Writing The President
(Text of letter Archie writes to President Nixon):Dear Mr. President, Your Honor, Sir:
I personally don't agree with all the contegration on the college campuses. Or them ecology nuts, who only see disaster in this great country of ours. But like "Duke" Wayne would say, "We came off the mat before when the going was tough." And I know that, so long as we all work together, this nation under God shall not diminish from the earth.
Anyway, my regards to your vice, Mr. Agnew. And special regards to Mrs. Nixon, and Tricia, who I know you wouldn't let drink no water, except in the best.
Oh, My Aching Back
Gloria: Ma, anything interesting happen to you today?Edith: Actually, something interesting did happen today. Oh no, that was yesterday.
Archie (addressing Mike): Poland. The land that gave us rare and delicate dishes such as?
Gloria: Polish sausage is very good.
Archie: You ought to know, you married one.
Mr. Rabinowitz: In a court of law, you can't beat a station wagon filled with nuns!
Archie Gives Blood
Edith: (Archie) never trusted doctors. I think it's because he don't like to pay them.Judging Books By Covers
Archie: Did you bring these things (cashews) into the house?Edith: Probably.
Archie: What do you mean "probably?"
Edith: I mean, probably I did.
Archie: But "probably you did" could also mean "probably you didn't." That's the way it is with a word like "probably"... right?
(Pause)
Edith: Probably.
Mike: You know, I don't think there's one thing about us you agree with.
Archie: I agree with that.
Gloria Has A Belly Full
Archie: I wake up on a Saturday morning, I'm all alone. There's no note, no nothing. There's nobody here.Edith: Mike was home.
Archie: Like I said, there was nobody here.
Archie: You give my daughter a baby, and you can't even support a goldfish.
Lionel: What we do is take all our spray cans and shove them into special shelves. So what you could do is... shove yours.
(pause)
Archie: You know, a guy could take that two ways.
Mike: Yeah, but knowing Lionel, he probably only meant it one way.
Edith: With all the money you pay them, can't the doctors help themselves?
Now That You Know The Way, Let's Be Strangers
Archie: What is that smell?Gloria: Paul is burning incense. I think it's nice.
Archie: It smells like a house of ill refute!
Lionel Moves Into The Neighborhood
Mike: In today's society, if something doesn't work, you throw it out.Archie: Well, you don't work, maybe we'd better throw you out.
Gloria: Oh Daddy, didn't they have any good weather when you were growing up?
Mike: I think they invented good weather around 1940.
Edith: Oh, I remember some sunny days.
Archie: That must have been before we met.
Gloria Discovers Womens' Lib
Archie: You people involved, Lionel, with that women's liberation?Lionel: No, not too much. You see, we're still working on plain old liberation.
The First And Last Supper
Archie: These colored people are always trying to use a social situation to raise their station.Mike: That's right. And using you's gonna launch them right into Cafe Society!
Archie: Every picture I've seen of God, he's white.
Henry: Well, maybe you were looking at the negative.
The Saga Of Cousin Oscar
Louise: Was his death untimely?Archie: Yeah, around lunchtime.
Archie: What do you want me to do? Spend $600 on a funeral for a guy who used to sit on my face?
Edith: He'll never do it again.
Archie And The Lock-Up
Archie: These sinuses are murder. They fog up my whole head.Mike: Well, that explains everything.
Archie: That's why your coloreds have to behave better, they gotta act nicer, they gotta try harder...
Lionel: Yeah, that's right, we's like Avis.
Gloria: If Michael gets arrested, they'll book him and fingerprint him, and it'll be on his record. And then when he goes to look for a job --
Archie: When? When? When?
Edith Writes A Song
Archie: I'm telling you, Edith, we're living in a jungle. That's what, a jungle. But you know what I got?Mike: Malaria.
Archie: When it comes to defense, democracy's gonna have to wait.
Archie: I ain't no bigot. I'm the first guy to say, "It ain't your fault that youse are colored."
(after the robbers laugh about their past)
Edith: I don't know how you can laugh through all that misery.
Coke: Practice, lady. Practice.
Coke: What do we have here? Cash!
Edith: You can't have it!
Coke: I beg your pardon? Who's the crook here?
Edith's Song:
Everyone is someone, if you love them
Love can make a hero from a chump
Love can make a useless man seem useful
Love can grow a flower from a dump
If you dare to reach out to a stranger
You may find you've found a friend indeed
'Cause everyone is someone if you love them
'Cause love is something everybody needs.
Edith's Accident
Archie: How did you hit a car?Edith: Well, that's where the... mmm-MMMM-mmm came in... You see, I was coming out of the supermarket with my basket full of mmm-MMMM-mmm. And there was Mrs. Duncan with her new baby. I took a peek in the carriage, but I couldn't see the baby too well, he was all...
Archie: Will you get on with the story?
Edith: Well, I knew I had to say something nice about the baby, so I went "Oh! Isn't that a beautiful baby!" And when I went "Oh!", the shopping basket got away from me, rolled down the hill and smashed into this parked car and scratched the fender. And then, this can of mmm-MMMM-mmm... in heavy syrup... jumped out and made a big dent in the hood!
(pause)
Edith: It was a freak accident!
Mike's Problem
Mike: Oh, I've decided it's too tough for me, Gloria. I'm going to quit college and get a job.Gloria: Oh Michael, don't be childish.
Archie: Let him be childish!
(Archie has been in the bathroom over 20 minutes
Edith: Archie! When are ya coming out?
Archie: Why, ya selling the house?
Edith: You've been in there for 20 minutes.
Archie: Who are you, the official timekeeper?
Edith: What are you doing in there anyway?
Archie: I'm changing the tile! One more word out of ya and I ain't never coming out!
Archie: I'm going down to Kelcy's saloon... where the only problem is closing time!
(trying to help Mike with his problem)
Archie: This is what you gotta do. Before you go to sleep at night, sit down and say to yourself, "Is there anything else that I forgot to do?" You could even write yourself a little note... All I'm saying is, before you go to bed, look around, see what's there... read your note!
The Insurance Is Cancelled
(about having to fire a co-worker)Archie: It's because of this depression, or recession, or whatever they're calling it.
Mike: Nixon calls it a recent upswing in the economic picture.
Archie: What I say ain't got nothing to do with what I think.
Archie: Can't you ask me an intelligent question?
Mike: I didn't want to confuse you.
Wendell: Well, Uncle Archie... Let me make this perfectly clear.
Mike: Where have I heard that one before?
Little Emmanuel: Archie! Por favor?
Archie: Yeah, pour some more.
Cousin Maude's Visit
Archie: Next time you want to time something, Edith, just let the sand run out of your head.Maude: Did you hear me? I said breakfast was on the table.
Archie: I heard ya. So did every moose up in Canada!
Archie: Wait a minute... custard for them, what the hell do you call this?
Maude: It's my own invention: Cream Of Wheat with cheese... It's light, but it binds.
Archie: It looks like something I ate and lost.
Archie: You're in my chair, Maude!
Maude: So?
Archie: I wanna sit in my chair!
Maude: Oh?
Archie: Ya gonna get out of that chair?
Maude: NO!
Archie: This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt!
Maude: You're fat.
The Elevator Story
Edith: Archie's got a lot of sentiment. You just gotta know where to look for it.Archie: Why don't you tell them (the Puerto Rican couple) about it? You speak their lingo, don't ya?
Hubert: What makes you think I speak their lingo?
Archie: Well, figured you learned some of it living up in Harlem.
Hubert: What makes you think I live in Harlem?
Archie: You look it.
Hubert: What makes you think?
Edith's Problem
Mike: You know, it never occurred to me before. Mickey Mouse is black.Archie: Aw, get outta here. Mickey Mouse ain't got no race. He stands for all men.
Mike: That's why Walt (Disney) made him a mouse.
Gloria: Ma, have you been more forgetful lately?
Edith: Forgetful? I don't know, let me think.
Gloria: Ma?
Edith: Gloria, what did you just ask me?
Gloria: Nowadays, with simple hormone treatment, there are no unpleasant manifestations.
Edith: Well, my Aunt Elizabeth went through this, and she didn't get manifestations... she got a mustache!
(showing Edith a Disney World brochure)
Archie: Look at this, an all-bear band.
Edith: A naked band at Disney World?
Archie: Well, menopause is a tough time to be going through, especially for nervous types. So he prescribed these here pills.
Mike: Oh, good.
Archie: I gotta take three of them a day.
Archie: Oh, she's all right, but for the next couple weeks, but you can't expect to see the regular dingbat flying around here. Till these here pills take effect, you're gonna be looking at super dingbat.
Archie: Edith... If you're going to have the change of life, you've got to do it right now! I'm giving ya just 30 seconds; now c'mon, change!
Edith: Can I finish my soup first?
Archie And The FBI
Archie: Don't be bothering the U.S. Government with the Constitution!Mike: Why, you afraid the government might read it?
Mr. Bradford: How would you describe Mr. Grundy's drinking habits?
Archie: He seldom buys.
Archie: Oh well. All that "best buddy" stuff... it's all for kids anyhow.
Mike's Mysterious Son
Edith: Why are you asking me so many questions? So there's a little boy in the room. Is there anything wrong with having a little boy in the room? Is there a law against having a little boy in the room? It's nice having a little boy in the room. And if you want me to answer any more questions, don't ask me!Edith: Oh, Archie, you're home.
Archie: No, Edith, I'm still at work. What you see standing here is merely a pigment of your imagination.
Gloria: We have some more talking to do.
Mike: More talking? Gloria, it's 5:30 in the morning. You've said everything there is to say... twice.
Gloria: You miserable creep.
Mike: You said that three times.
Gloria: Most people's mistakes don't walk in the front door and say, "Hi, Daddy!"
Archie Sees A Mugging
Archie: Just a minute, I'll tell them.Mike: Well, you better tell the truth.
Archie: Forget the truth, listen to me!
Mike: (to Gloria) Will you stay out of this, please?
Archie: Hold it! She's making sense. And a husband ought to listen to his wife.
Edith: Archie --
Archie: Dry up!
Archie: Them Sicilians are famous for two things: Spaghetti and revenge.
Mr. Vechino: (to Edith) A person like your Archie makes you feel real good to belong to the human race.
Mike: Yeah, maybe one of these days, we'll get him to join it.
Mr. Vechino: (referring to God) He sees everything! He knows everything we do!
Archie: Get outta here, you don't really believe that.
Mr. Vechino: Yes, I do!
Archie: Then how come youse people are always running to confession, telling Him what's happening?
Mr. Vechino: Now we're getting the truth! It's because I'm catholic that you ain't helping me!
Archie: That ain't the truth. I'd say the same thing even if you belonged to the right church!
Edith The Judge
(sorting the ruined laundry)Edith: Look at this! You must have forgot to separate the coloreds from the whites.
Mike: (incredulous) Archie? Forget to separate the coloreds from the whites?
Mike: (turning off TV) C'mon, I'll turn it on as soon as soon as you give me the first few lines of the National Anthem!
Archie: Oh say, can you see by the dawn's early light... what so proudly we hail, of thee I sing.
Gloria: Your Honor, as the baliff's wife, I object to this kind of language.
Mike: That's right, and I suggest that Mr. Bunker be held in contempt of court!
Archie: Until you start paying rent around here, you're in contempt of house!
Archie Is Jealous
Gloria: How come you married Daddy instead of (Freddie Witthauser)?Edith: Well, I liked being called a "Goddess of Beauty", but somehow it seemed more permanent when your father called me a dingbat.
Archie: When I come home from work, and I say "What's new, Edith?", I want her to tell me what's new, even if it's twenty-five years old!
(regarding the Witthauser incident)
Archie: You're going to have to ask me to forgive ya.
Edith: All right. Forgive me?
Archie: Then you admit it, huh?
Edith: There's nothing to admit.
Archie: Then what are you asking me to forgive you for?
Edith: I don't know; you asked me to ask you...
Maude
Maude: I invited Edith because I love her. And everywhere she goes, Archie goes. You know, like that Vaudeville act? There's the front end of the horse, and then there's Archie.Walter: (Carol) was married before, she has an eight-year old son, she's had half-dozen affairs... So in all that heavy traffic, how did she manage that tricky U-turn back to purity and innocence?
Maude: God'll get you for that, Walter.
Maude: Still fighting mental health, eh, Archie?
Maude: Archie, you have ruined my daughter's wedding!
Archie: Well, that makes us even, Maude, because you ruined my weekend!
Archie And The Editorial
Mike: Would you stand up and cheer if it was me at the door?Archie: Well that depends, Meathead, on whether you was coming in or going out.
Archie: All them old Bible people, they was always eating meat, soon as they found out eating apples was wrong... Goats, lambs - who the hell ever heard of sacrificing a head of lettuce?
(looking up the right to bear arms in the U.S. Constitution)
Archie: It's right there in your Second Ammendment.
Edith: Oh no, Archie. That's the one that says "Thou shalt not make any grave an image."
Archie: That ain't the Constitution, Edith. What you said is the Gettysburg Address.
Gloria: Did you know that 65% of the people murdered in this country were killed by handguns?
Archie: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?
Mr. Bennett: So how do you propose to stop people killing people?
Archie: That's easy, you bring back the death penalty!
Mike: Drivers don't mean to kill people.
Archie: Oh no? You ain't driven a cab yet, bud.
Archie's Fraud
Mike: I'm tired. I had a rough day.Archie: Yeah, what'd you do? Bend your library card?
Mike: You could never do what I did today.
Archie: Yeah? What was you doing?
Mike: Thinking.
Edith: I don't want you going to jail, Archie.
Archie: I ain't going to jail!
Edith: You never could get used to a strange bathroom.
Gloria And The Riddle
Edith: Maybe the answer has something to do with people that come back from the hereafter. Like that milk company.Gloria: Oh, reincarnation?
Edith: Yeah!
Barney: Hey, do you know any Polish jokes?
Archie: Are you kidding? I got one living in the house with me!
Lionel Steps Out
Linda: Okay, Uncle Archie, you're on my plane. Now pretend you're a gentleman flying first-class.Mike: That's going to take a lot of pretending.
Gloria: Was your father strict with you, I mean, on who you went out with?
Edith: Oh, yeah. The boy had to be kind, and thoughtful, and a gentleman.
Mike: How did Archie ever pass that test?
Archie: If God had intended white people to dance with coloreds --
Mike: He'd have given us rhythm, too.
Lionel: Now we've been friends, and we can go on being friends. But when it comes to black, white, and all the other wonderful thoughts you have in between -- put a lid on that, Archie.
Henry: If they want to mix up the races, let 'em. But we're going to keep ours pure! No more of that cream into the coffee!
Henry: (to Archie) If you don't learn to keep your mouth shut, we ain't never gonna get rid of the pollution!
The Bunkers And The Swingers
Gloria: Mr. and Mrs. Rempley. Have I ever met them?Edith: No. Neither have I.
Archie: What's this all about here?
Edith: Oh, I don't know. I won't know until tomorrow.
Archie: You know, you better keep a sharp lookout.
Edith: What for?
Archie: For the dingbat catcher.
Edith: Your letter said you was coming tomorrow night.
Ruth Rempley: I wrote the letter yesterday. So when I said "tomorrow", I meant today.
Edith: But I read the letter today. And when you read "tomorrow" today, tomorrow is tomorrow.
Edith: (opening a package of perfume) Chanel No.5! That's their highest number!
Ruth Rempley: We were drowning. Swinging saved us!
Edith: I think I would rather have drowned.
Edith Flips Her Wig
Archie: First time in my life, I bowled a 227 game. Now what do you got to say about that?Edith: I was arrested.
Archie: No dice to no psychiatrist!
Mike: Why not?
Archie: Anybody that goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined!
Mike Comes Into Money
Edith: How was your day?Mike: Well, it was rough, ma --
Archie: Wait a minute, she's asking me about my day, not yours.
Mike: Since when do you own the day? I had a day, too.
Archie: She's asking me about my day, right, Edith?
Edith: Yeah. I was gonna ask you, Mike, but I was asking Archie first. How was your day?
Archie: I don't wanna talk about it.
Archie: Lucky me. I got the only Polack who showers regularly.
Mike: Here's a dime, Arch.
Archie: Oh, a dime ain't going to pay for all your showers.
Mike: No, but it'll pay for yours.
Edith: If it wasn't for his Uncle Alex, Mike would be in Poland right now!
Archie: Out of respect for the dead, I ain't going to say nothing.
Archie: They don't like a guy like McGovern who's running around changing his mind all the time. They want a man like Nixon who don't change for nothing!
Mike: You're right about that, Arch. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.
Archie: Take your gorilla. Your gorilla wants his kid to grow up better than him too! But the kid grows up, and there he is, still a gorilla!
Flashback: Mike And Gloria's Wedding (pt. 1)
Mike: Actually, your father is on his best behavior tonight. He only called me an "unbeautiful thing". Could've called me an "unbeautiful Polack".Archie: The night is young, meathead.
Archie: (regarding Mike's Uncle Casimir) He's got two strikes against him from the start.
Mike: What do you mean by that?
Archie: Well, he's Polish, strike one... and, he's Polish, strike two.
Archie: All I'm saying is that I don't want to discuss no wedding arrangements with a substitute-ski!
Mike: It's very simple, Mrs. Bunker. I'm an Agnostic.
Edith: Ohhh... You mean you want a Rabbi?
Archie: It's worse than that, Edith! I think it means he can't have kids!
Mike: (to Archie) Whether you like it or not, people do make love every now and then.
Edith: More then than now.
Flashback: Mike And Gloria's Wedding (pt. 2)
Edith: Gloria... The next time I kiss you, you'll be a married woman. Good-bye, Gloria!The Locket
Edith: I'm sorry, Archie. I ain't myself today.Archie: That might be an improvement, Edith.
Mike: Doubleheader today, huh, Arch?
Archie: What do you mean by that?
Mike: You're going to cheat the insurance company and Ma.
Deliveryman: Look at this, Angelo. A whole half a buck.
Angelo: Why don't you tell (Archie) what he can do with it?
Deliveryman: I'd rather see him do it with the TV set.
Archie: (to Edith) How is it always when you do the best thing, it turns out the worst?
Mike's Appendix
Gloria: (to Mike, about his appendix) If it's gotta go, it's gotta go. Why hang on to something that's useless?Archie: That's what I've been asking you ever since you married him.
Gloria: Michael, that's our money. We each contribute in our own way.
Archie: That's right. You contribute deposits, he contributes withdrawls.
Archie: All them surgeons, they're highway robbers. Why do you think they wear masks when they operate?
Archie: McKenzie costs more because the best always cost more. That's how you tell what's good in America: it costs more.
Archie Goes To The Hospital
(Louise & Lionel are visiting Archie in the hospital)Mr. Duval: Archie! Aren't you going to introduce me to your family? Your wife (Louise) looks charming!
Archie: Jean, listen. Her and me ain't married.
Mr. Duval: Even better! She gave you a fine-looking son anyway.
Archie: She never gave me nothing but chicken soup here. Lionel, tell Jean you ain't my son.
Lionel: Okay, whatever you say, Pop.
Archie: Where's Gloria?
Mike: Oh, she said she'd stop by on her way from work.
Archie: I wish you could say you'd stop by on the way from work.
Mike: (sarcastic) You know Arch, it's really a thrill visiting you.
Oh Say, Can You See
Edith: Everybody has a little trouble seeing the words close-up after they pass a certain age.Archie: I told you, it ain't age! It's the ink they use in the newspaper.
Edith: I've needed glasses for years, and you're older than I am.
Archie: That's only because I was born first.
Archie: (to Kelsey) Why don't you go back to bartender's school and take a course in "shut up"?
Archie Goes Too Far
Archie: Your room is still in my house, which means I got the right to search it.Mike: (to Gloria) We're living in the Watergate Hotel here.
Mike: What about your father? How can you trust him again? The next thing you know, he's going to be bugging our bed!
Archie: The only bug in your bed is when you hop in it!
(Gloria is crying after Mike walks out)
Edith: He'll be back as soon as he gets over being mad.
Archie: Yeah, which should be around dinnertime.
Archie: Wait a minute, where are you going?
Edith: I'm her mother, that's where I'm going!
Class Reunion
(doorbell rings)Archie: Ringing the bell on a Sunday, it's a day of rest! Don't people read their Bibles no more? What happened to Christianity anyhow?... Whoever that is, tell them to get the hell outta here!
Edith: (referring to Mavis Pike) She's a women's lib! It means she's not a "Mrs.", and she's not a "Ms." neither.
Archie: What does that make her, a near-Ms.?
Mavis: Edith, I was going to ask you if you've had an interesting life... but he saved me the trouble.
Willie: Tony Roselli!
Archie: Huh?
Willie: Tony Roselli... I never forget a face!
Archie: You just broke your record.
Classmate: GOD, he was beautiful!
Hot Watch
(demonstrating the new watch's alarm)Archie: That's for suppertime, see? And that's the alarm you're gonna hear every night around this time, Edith, to show you that supper should be on the table.
Edith: Well, suppose I'm in another room and I don't hear it?
Gloria: Then you'll hear the old alarm, Ma... Edith, get supper on the table!
Edith: Archie, that sounded just like you!
Archie: Oh, really? Then why don't it make you move?
Archie: What the hell am I eating?
Edith: "Yankee Stew."
Archie: Well, the Yankees struck out.
Edith: I saw something about a watch like that on Mannix.
Archie: Yeah, what?
Edith: Or was it Let's Make A Deal?
Everybody Tells The Truth
Mike: (regarding the restaurant) We'd thought you'd like this place.Archie: What would make you think that?
Mike: It's cheap.
"Evil" Archie: You dumb meatheaded, unemployed, oversexed pinko Professor of Polack you!
"Good" Mike: Those are not very kind things to say. But I'll try to do better.
"Evil" Mike: You're saying I'm the one that broke the refridgerator. Well, I'm not the only one who uses it, you know! I'm not the only one who eats around here, you know! We all eat! You eat as much as I do!
"Evil" Gloria: Michael's right, daddy. He's right and he's always right! Did you hear me? He's always right!
"Good" Archie: Well of course he is, he's a college boy.
"Evil" Jack: You best tell the dude this house call's gonna cost him 32 bills, for openers.
"Evil" Repairman: And sixteen bucks for every five minutes after the half-hour.
"Good" Archie: Very reasonable.
"Good" Repairman: Before it broke down, was the light working, Mrs. Bunker?
Edith: Well, off and on.
"Good" Repairman: How do you mean?
Edith: Well, on when I opened it... and off when I closed it.
"Evil" Jack: You know something? You irritate me.
"Good" Archie: Maybe we can sit down and discuss it, and I'll learn how to improve myself.
Mike: You never talked that rational in your life!
Archie: I don't talk rational, because I make sense!
Gloria The Victim
Archie: Do for your own -- take care of your own, that's the rule. That's what we done here today. We took care of our own.The Battle Of The Month
Archie: God don't make no mistakes, that's how he got to be God.Archie: Read your story of Adam & Eve there. They had it pretty soft there in paradise, they didn't have no worries, they didn't even know they was naked! And Eve, she wasn't satisfied with that, see? And one day, against direct orders she made poor Adam eat that apple. God got sore, He told them "Get your clothes on and get the hell outta here."
Edith: "Nothing" just came into my mind.
Archie: It must have felt right at home there.
Archie: How dare (Mike) calls me a bonehead?
Gloria: And how did you hear that? Did you have your little ears pressed against the wall?
Archie: No!
Edith: He listened with this glass.
Mike: You!
Archie: What?
Mike: YOU!
Archie: What!
Mike: GAAAAAAHHHH!
Archie: (to Edith) He made more sense when he was coming through the glass.
Edith: So before you two start saying things to each other that you can never take back, stop. And think how much you really mean to each other.
Edith: Do you think I'm something?
Archie: You, Edith, are something else.
Edith Finds An Old Man
Edith: You see, it all started this way --Archie: All right, all right, Edith. I'll find out for myself. I'd like to get the story before the first of the month.
Mr. Quigley: They've got all kinds of medicines to keep us living longer and longer. Now they've got us living longer, they don't know what to do with us.
Mike: Why can't Mr. Quigley stay with us for a few days?
Archie: Because we've already got one freeloader living with me, and bread's up ten cents a loaf!
Mr. Quigley: No, and we aren't going to get married, either.
Jo: If we did, there'd be no point in living together.
Archie The Gambler
Mike: We're all family here.Archie: Don't remind me!
Archie: Let me tell you something about beer: You can never buy beer, you can only rent it.
Mike: By now, (Archie) probably realizes it's his fault, he's going to walk in here, he's not going to say anything about it, and I don't believe a word I just said.
Archie: I demand an apology.
Edith: It's you that's gotta apologize to me.
Archie: I gotta? That's like asking Pearl Harbor to apologize to the Japs.
Archie And The Computer
Gloria: Ma, are you in some kind of trouble?Edith: No, and I can't tell you what it is!
Archie: I think you found the goose that laid the golden prune.
Mike: If something goes wrong, if you've got a complaint, wouldn't you rather talk to a human being face-to-face?
Archie: Sure I would. But all I got is you.
Edith: I don't want nobody to be dead.
Archie: Edith, somebody's gotta be dead; that's life.
Mike: Is there anything for me?
Archie: No, nothing for you, Meathead, just for your mother-in-law. Sympathy cards.
Mike: Those people probably found out you're still alive.
The Games Bunkers Play
(playing the game)Lionel: What's the first thing you say whenever I see you? Always something about the "black problem", right?
Mike: Well, what do you want me to talk about, the weather?
Lionel: Well, sometimes, yeah! I mean, black people have weather, too!
Mike: There's a storm at sea. The boat overturns, and your mother and I are drowning. Which one of us would you save? Just answer the question, which one of us would you save?
Gloria: That is NOT a fair question!
Mike: Why not?
Gloria: Because I can't swim!
Mike: But criticism is the whole point of this game! There's no fun without it!
Frank: Yeah. And so far, you've been a barrel of fun.
Archie In The Cellar
Irene: You know what Frank would say if he had caught us together.Archie: What?
Irene: "You can do better than that, Irene."
Archie: (drunk in cellar) Last will and tentacle.
Archie: This ain't something a man usually tells a woman: I love you, Edith.
Edith: I know that, Archie.
Archie: You mean I didn't have to say it?
Archie Is Cursed
Irene: Hello, Archie!Archie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Irene: I bet that means, "Who needs her around on my day off?"
Edith: Archie didn't mean that... did you, Archie?
Archie: Don't ever argue with a guest, Edith.
(regarding women Olympic gold medalists)
Archie: Even the judges couldn't figure them out, they had to give them one of them her-mone tests... Found out that most of them had more his-mones than her-mones.
Mike: How long have you been believing in curses?
Archie: How long have you been living here?
Mike: Of course there is magic all the time. You even find magic in the Bible.
Archie: Oh, shut up! You atheist you! The Bible is filled miracles, no magic. God didn't fool around with no magic.
Mike: What about Sodom and Gomorrah? When Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt?
Archie: That's because when she was running away from them two dirty cities, she stopped to take a look at her behind.
A stunned Mike slams his head against the table.
Mike And Gloria Mix It Up
Mike: For the last four weeks... and I think it's longer...Gloria: Didn't you just say we have an equal partnership? Fifty-fifty?
Mike: Yeah. Everything is fifty-fifty. But I'm the fifty that should be heard from first!
Mike: Take the animal kingdom. The male is always in charge!
Gloria: Oh yeah? Did you ever hear of a "king" bee?
(Mike makes up a story about seeing another woman)
Mike: I'm telling you, it was beautiful. I don't know how to explain it, but there was instant communication between us.
Gloria: Oh, I can explain it. You talked, and she listened.
Mike: You kissed a perfect stranger on a street corner?
Gloria: Nope, right on the lips!
Gloria's Boyfriend
Mike: You talked to (George) like he was a dog. I thought you were going to pat him on the head and toss him a bone.Archie: Well, if I did, at least he'd fetch it. You'd eat it.
Archie: Being happy is part of being crazy.
Mike: Retarded people have no more of a sex drive than anyone else.
Archie: Oh, yeah? Then why are you on automatic all the time?
George's Sign: "Every man is my superior, in that I may learn from him."
Archie Eats And Runs
(Mike is late for dinner)Archie: We ain't waitin' for him. C'mon, get it on.
Gloria: We always wait for you.
Archie: That, little girl, happens to be because I'm the breadwinner in this house. Your husband is the crumb.
Mike: Do you realize that before 1968, there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective? But in 1972, there were nearly eight million cars recalled.
Archie: And do you realize that in 1974, who cares?
Archie: So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it, 100 to 1.
Mike: What is that? The New Math?
Mike: What do you want me to do? Do you see a "sneeze" on this dial?
Patient in Sling: Doc, doc, doc... what about my arm?
Doctor: Hang onto it.
Archie: The bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory.
Mike: How are you going to do that?
Archie: Haven't you ever heard of the olden days, the days of kings? The king used to have a special cook to taste the food. The cook dropped down dead, the king said, "See?" Then the king went into the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself.
Gloria Sings The Blues
Mike: Arch, you're not giving the fish a fighting chance.Archie: I don't wanna fight with the fish, I wanna catch them.
Edith: Castor Oil cheered you up?
Archie: It'd be "cheered up", or get another dose.
Mike: (to Gloria) You realize how many boring things I've got to do in a single day to drive me crazy? I've got to get up, I've gotta brush my teeth, I have to shave -- and I hate to shave. There are days where I stand there debating with that mirror: Should I shave, or should I cut my throat? But I shave.
Archie: You know, it's too bad you always lose that argument.
Archie: Oh, that energy crisis. I wish you'd come up with one of those hot flashes of yours when we need it.
Archie: Look at this: Rip Van Meathead.
Archie: Do you ever watch your husband dress himself in the morning?
Gloria: Sometimes.
Archie: Did you know that he puts on a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe, instead of a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe?
Gloria: What?
Archie: What's the sense in asking you? You wear pantyhose.
Edith: You know, I think most marriages break up because people don't wait long enough to recognize each other again.
The Bunkers And Inflation (part 1)
Archie: The country's got to produce more goods. Then we've got to have a little more unemployment. So when we have more goods to buy, and less people who can afford to buy the goods, then the prices will come down.Mike: That is the stupidest damn thing you've ever said.
Gloria: Swearing's just the sign of a small mind.
Archie: Aw, shut the hell up.
Archie: Respect is for the dead. The living need dough.
Munson: (to Edith) Twenty-six years with Archie. You sure did some woman a big favor.
Edith: Mike, would you please pass these sandwiches around?
Archie: No, no, no. That's like asking the elephant to pass the peanuts.
George: (to Archie) I'm talking about your unions asking for higher wages. It's bad for the country.
Lionel: If it's bad for the country, how come you raised the prices in the cleaning store?
Archie: He done that?
Lionel: He did on the white clothes.
George: You know something, Lionel? You're the reason we never had a second child.
Archie: When a guy asks a girl to get married, that's the highest compliment he can pay.
Louise: And it's usually the last one, too.
The Bunkers And Inflation (part 2)
Archie: (to Irene on the phone) Remember that song that had you in it?... That's right, good night, Irene!Archie: If you were to come in here, fresh off of the street, applying for the job of my son-in-law, I wouldn't hire you.
Mike: And if I knew you came with the job, I wouldn't take it.
Archie: Edith, you done good! Your heart was in the right place. But your brain was out to lunch.
Edith The Job Hunter
Edith: You don't think this dress looks too revealing? I don't think I should look too sexy.Mike: Don't worry Ma, you never do.
Archie: If a woman don't have no experience, then she should stick to unskilled labor, like being a wife.
Edith: But that don't pay nothing.
Archie: But it ain't supposed to pay nothing, Edith. You're supposed to be satisfied with the, what do you call it, unseen rewards.
Edith: How would you like an unseen dinner?
Archie: Edith, with you, a "surprise" could be anything from a runaway horse to a Puerto Rican.
(Mike gets a part-time job)
Archie: Between $20 and $25 a week? And you've got the nerve... to eat cake?
Archie's Raise
Archie: DING-DONG, Edith, Ding-Dong!Archie: Anyways, (a bald spot) is a sign of brains. You know the old saying, "Grass don't grow on a busy street"?
Edith: And it don't grow in cement, neither.
Lionel The Live-In
Mike: Hey Arch, will you hold it down? Gloria and I are trying to sleep!Archie: It's the only thing you ain't tried in that room yet!
George: I don't want no daughter-in-law who's a zebra.
Louise: Why not? She don't mind a father-in-law who's a jack-ass!
Edith: Good morning, Louise... Heeeeere's Lionel!
Archie: Who the hell are you now, Fred McMahon?
Louise: Edith, you're a doll. How did we find neighbors like you?
Archie: You moved out of Harlem.
Lionel: Can I call you "Uncle Archie"?
Archie: Well, I'll tell ya, Lionel... I think it's against the law.
George: Don't worry, we can start all over again... you can give me another boy.
Louise: You better call Parcel Post... 'cause I've stopped making deliveries!
Louise: And you know what happens to blacks with no education, and looking for a job. They are last on the list.
George: No they ain't, the Puerto Ricans are last.
Archie: He's right Louise, the Puerto Ricans are last. Only they don't know it because they can't read the list.
Archie's Helping Hand
Gloria: Oh ma, you'll never change. Whatever daddy wants, daddy gets.Edith: Not always.
Gloria: Just tell me once when he didn't get his way, just once.
Edith: When he wanted a boy.
Archie: Why don't you do what all the men do with their bright ideas? They drop them in the suggestion box.
Irene: Oh, good. Where is the suggestion box?
Archie: You know where the mens' toilet is?
Irene: Yeah.
Archie: There's three of 'em in there.
Archie: (disputing Irene's claims about equal pay) In the Bible, it says God made man in His own image. And he made women after, from a rib -- cheaper cut.
Archie: Let me tell you this: Equality is unfair!
Archie And The Miracle
Archie: God has one of them voices that you never, ever forget... You know, like Bing Crosby.Archie: It makes a man stop and think when he's just been the victim of a miracle.
Mike: Arch, did you ever stop to think... When that crate dropped, maybe God was out to get you, and missed?
Mike: I tried fixing that toilet again, I can't do it. Maybe we'll just have to get another one.
Gloria: Yeah. Two heads are better than one.
Archie: Fightin' that copper ball takes all the fun out of going to the toilet!
George And Archie Make A Deal
Edith: Archie, are you sure Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration Of Independence?Archie: Sure, four score and seven years ago.
Mike: Racial balance is important in everything. Take education: Why do you think it's so tough for a black student to become a doctor?
Archie: Because nobody wants to see a black guy coming at them with a knife.
Archie: (to Edith) Don't be singing, the neighbors will think I'm killing ya here.
Archie's Contract
Mr. Scanlan: A BTU, Mrs. Bunker, means British Thermo Units.Archie: Yeah. I think we traded some destroyers for them.
Mr. Scanlan: Now, we have a contract, Mr. Bunker --
Gloria: Signed under duress.
Archie: Yeah, without knowing I was under the dress.
George: Ain't there some law against taking advantage of the simple-minded?
Archie: Well, is there? Because if there ain't, their oughta be.
The Jeffersons Move Up
George: And here we have the living area, where we does our living. And here we have the dining area, where we does our dining. And through this door is the kitchen area--Louise: Where we does our kitchening.
Mr. Bentley: Take a walk on the small of my back, would you?
George: Say what?
Louise: Well, you wanted to move up to the East Side. Take a walk!
Louise: Lionel, you better go to your room. I don't want you to get hit by your father.
Lionel: Why is he going to hit me?
Louise: Because I'm not sure where I'm going to throw him!
Archie And The Quiz
Archie: I'll probably live long enough to see them put a man on Mars.Mike: What if they do that next year?
Archie: What I won't live long enough to see is a Meathead on a payroll.
Archie: I'm married. They give me five years for having Edith. Thought they'd dock me for that.
Mike: "Deduct three years for wealthy or poor."
Archie: Wealthy or poor? What the hell else is there?
Gloria: Middle-class, which is what we are.
Mike: Well, actually, we're lower-middle class.
Archie: As I remember it, we was "upper" until you joined the family.
Archie: If you keep minusing, I'll be dead in 1965!
Archie: Give me plus-four!
Gloria: Minus, daddy.
Archie: If you don't let me win a few, you're going to be minus daddy!
(referring to Archie)
Edith: He'll listen to you. Deep down, he respects you.
Mike: I hate to dive that deep.
Common Quotes =
Archie:
- Get out of my chair there!
- Keep away from me, Meathead.
- You are a Meathead, dead from the neck up... Meat-head.
- Geez, what a dingbat.
- Will you stifle yourself?
- Shut up, youse!
- Dummy up!
- Oh, help me, Lord.
- Lionel, be serious.
- You're a pip, you know that?
- Let me tell you something about Richard E. Nixon...
- Well, what do you know: Frank Lorenzo, the prince of pepperoni.
- Will you get supper on the table?
- You don't believe me, read your Bible there.
- Don't help me here, Mrs. J.
Edith:
- Oh, Archie...
- I'm sorry, Archie.
- How was your day?
Unattributed =
- Archie saying to anyone: "Get away from me, you!" and "Don't breathe on me."
- Archie: "It says so right there in the Bible, Meathead. 'In pain shall youse give birth.'" To what Mike said: "God said 'youse'?"
- Archie saying:: "I gotta consecrate myself on this here newspaper."
- Archie saying to Edith:: "Stifle yourself!"
- Archie saying to Gloria:: "People living in communes are com-mu-nists."
- Archie to Edith:: "Listen Edith, I know you're singing, you know you're singing, but the neighbors may think I'm torturing you."
- Archie:: "Look, Archie Bunker ain't bigoted! I'm always the first to say, "It ain't your fault you're colored!""
- Archie to anyone:: "Shut up, you!" and "Button your face!"
- Archie to Gloria:: "Ever since you were little, people kept asking me what kind of man should marry my daughter. I always said that it doesn't matter, so long as he loves her...and he's white. But now there's one more thing: He can't be that guy!"
- Archie to Mike:: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one dumb Polock!"
- Archie to Edith:: "(affectionately) You're a pip, you know that? A real pip."
- Archie to anyone:: "Dummy up!" and "Clam up, you!"
- Edith to Archie: "No! I don't want to go to Florida! I don't want to go anywhere! And if you want to make a phone call, you make it yourself! (Edith drops phone purposely)"
- Edith to Gloria: "I got a lump in my breast."
Gloria to Edith: "What did you say?"
Edith to Gloria: "I got a lump."
Gloria, making Edith feel better: "Oh."
- Archie: "Give me something to take a taste out of my mouth. (tastes coffee) What did you make, an instant coffee?"
Edith: "No, it's fresh perk."
Archie: "Well, it tastes like instant."
Edith: "It's fresh perk though."
Archie: "OK, it's fresh perk, but it tastes like instant."
Edith: "I heard you, but it's fresh perk."
Archie: "I had said it was fresh perk."
- Archie to Mike:: "Listen. Anybody gives my grandson a Polock crack, and I'll give him one of these right across the kisser. I'm so tired of people running down other people's culture. Now, your Irish micks...your Irish micks are real big on that. That's why the Mafia came up with that word, to take heat off of the dagos."
- "Why should a man work hard his whole life if he is just going to come up equal?"-Archie Bunker in reference to equality.
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- Archie Bunker (on why "Goddam" is not a curse word): "You got God, right? The most powerful bein' in the universe, and a dam, that's a thing that holds back water, right? So!...If God were to make a dam, it would be the greatest dam in the entire universe! Thus, a "Goddam"! There ya go!
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- Archie Bunker (studying a sample voting ballot sent to his home): O'Grady, Goldberg, Giovanni, Johnson?... You got a Mick, a Hebe, a Wop, and an ordinary American!... That's what I'd call a balanced ticket!
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- Archie Bunker: So youse tellin' me Frank does all the cookin'?
- Irene Lorenzo: Yeah, so?
- Archie Bunker: So, aren't ya worried 'bout what people might think?
- Irene Lorenzo: What, that I'm a bad cook?
- Archie Bunker: No, that yer husband's a fag!