American McGee's Alice Quotations

American McGee's Alice is a third-person shooter computer game designed by American McGee, developed by Rogue Entertainment, and published, distributed and marketed by Electronic Arts.

Alice

Into the hole again, we hurried along our way, into a once-glorious garden now seeped in dark decay.

Mange-ridden to the core, he leads me through the fray. With the toss of a Jackbomb, I clear abominations from our way.

They taunt me about the burning as if I were to blame, I clear them from my conscious with the eloquence of my blade.

If it's my keen invention you'd like to destroy, I'll withstand your best shot; I've got the right toy.

Everyone I love dies violently; unnaturally. I'm cursed! Why go on? I'll just hurt others.

Save myself from death, is that it? Is that why I've come here? I'm not afraid to die! At times I've welcomed death.

"Mushrooms, poppies, sugar and spice, all those things are very nice. When combined, the proper mixture makes a getting small elixir." Hm. I don't really like sweets.

Promise only what you are prepared to deliver. I am destined to do battle with the Red Queen. The outcome is uncertain.

How many times must I tell you? I only take tea with friends!

If ignorance is bliss, I must be ecstatic.

Where does that smushy lay-about hang his hookah these days?
- When talking about Caterpillar

I enjoy the taste of mushrooms, but not the ones that bite back.

I wish I were hallucinating. What a terrible choice: eat a toadstool or become food for insects!

Such order in the midst of chaos makes me woozy and disoriented.

I'm not edible.

I fear nothing.

Idle

The uninformed must improve their deficit or die.

To the royal guards of this realm, we are all victims-in-waiting.

Only the foolish believe that suffering is just wages for being different.

Only the insane equate pain with success.

Only the savage regard the endurance of pain as a measure of worth.

Only a few find the way; some don't recognize it when they do; some don't ever want to.

What is sought is most often found, if it is truly sought.

Tell yourself, "I've seen worse at Rutledge's." Prevarication in this instance may help.

Every adventure requires a first step. Trite, but true, even here.
- Paraphrase of Confucius, "Every journey begins with a single step"

There's an ugly name for those who do things the hard way.

When the remarkable becomes bizarre, reason turns rancid.

I can't know everything. Pretend you're an orphan – oh! That was rude, you are.

I suppose "experience teaches best", "learn by doing", and similar clichés have merit. Take their advice; I'm busy.

Observe, learn, and react.

Work if you must. It's my nature to unwind from time to time.

I've heard self-reliance is a virtue. Now you've heard it.

Whatever says too much of a good thing must be bad tells a lie.

Whoever says too much of a good thing is not enough speaks the truth.

He's not the brightest star in the sky, but he shines at one thing.
- Referring to the white rabbit

Weapons and Powerups

Meta-Essence is the life force of Wonderland; that of your enemies is especially potent. Collect what you can. Use it wisely.

Your knife is necessary, but not sufficient. Always collect what's useful. Reject only your ignorance, and you might survive.
- When Alice obtains the Vorpal Blade

52 pickup is a staple of juvenile humor. But when the deck slices and dices, it is no laughing matter.
- When Alice obtains the Playing Cards

Here's a riddle: When is a croquet mallet like a billy club? I'll tell you: whenever you want it to be.
- When Alice obtains the Croquet Mallet

Ah, the diabolical Dice … a word of caution; don't throw them when you're alone. The fiends lack loyalty, and their notion of nourishment is quite disturbing.
- When Alice obtains the Demon Dice

Jack's a friend, but his temperament is explosive; perhaps best to let him play by himself.
- When Alice obtains the Jackbomb

Withering cold incapacitates an enemy more completely than deep wounds, but winter does not last forever.
- When Alice obtains the Icewand

This simple game can turn distinctly nasty. Don't ever play alone.
- When Alice obtains the Jacks o' Death

The Jabberwock's Eyestaff is incomparably powerful, but its individual pieces are worth less than the carcass of a gnat.
- When Alice obtains the first piece of the Jabberwock's Eyestaff

The staff lacks only the Jabberwock's eye. Though he has two, I understand he's quite fond of them both. I doubt time will change his mind. Speaking of which, where's the Hatter?
- When Alice obtains the penultimate piece of the Jabberwock's Eyestaff

This unique watch stops time – for a time. Unlike Death, time moves on. Those who have stood still with time move on also – unless they're dead.
- When Alice acquires the Deadtime Watch

The Blunderbuss in the hands of a blockhead is a catastrophe waiting to happen. You're no dunderhead, but exercise great care.
- When Alice obtains the Blunderbuss

Time to raise some havoc! The dogs of war are loose!
- When Alice obtains the first Ragebox power-up

How fine you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are fortunate that your condition is not permanent. And you're lucky too: red eyes suit so few.
- When Alice obtains the second Ragebox power-up

Those who say there's nothing like a nice cup of tea for calming the nerves never had real tea. It's like a syringe of adrenaline straight to the heart!
- When Alice first drinks Grasshopper Tea

What they can't see, they don't want to hear. You'll do better if you become uncorporeal.
- When Alice finds a secret Darkened Looking glass

Noisy creatures, crooks, and assorted voyeurs would love to be invisible. For you the option may be a matter of survival.

Miscellaneous

The Guards are tools of the Queen. All suits are dolts, but dangerous.

The Guards lack imagination; don't play with them, unless you're ready to deal.

That savage shriek is just the tip of the iceberg that is the Boojums' repulsive personality.

Boojums have revolting table manners. They'll eat anything. Dispose of them or become a meal.

Protective walls may impede you, but the walls most difficult to penetrate are those that surround our hearts.

Cling closely to the path, Alice. A fall will dash your head along with all our hopes.

Entering Skool requires a real leap of logic.

Steps to enlightenment brighten the way; but the steps are steep. Take them one at a time.

Countless generations of termites would only digest a mere fraction of the volumes here. And they wouldn't be one wit wiser.

This Skool serves more than nasty lunches. The laboratories are especially fascinating, if you can stand the vile stench.

Gardeners store rat poison and weed killer in sheds. Skools have laboratories for that purpose.

Nature has ordained that certain seeds require assistance to fulfill their destiny.

Unplanted seeds dry out and die.

Every picture tells a story. Sometimes we don't like the ending. Sometimes we don't understand it.

Annihilate what threatens to destroy you.
- As Alice faces the Duchess

Is our situation not dismal? Wonderland is so discombobulated that ladybugs have turned belligerent and enlisted in the Queen's army. Punish their conversion.

Haste makes waste, so I rarely hurry. But if a ferret was about to dart up my dress, I'd run.
- Said in the demo as Alice confronts a troop of Army Ants' trap – a huge marble rolling towards her

Confidence and rashness are sides of a single coin.

I've never trusted toadstools, but I suppose some must have their good points.

If your stature were an illness, it seems the Centipede dispenses medicine to make you well.

I'm afraid I have to expell a rather ferocious hairball – you're on your own, girl.
- Before Alice confonts the Voracious Centipede

Look straight ahead. Or askance – whichever way you choose, you must always look in the right direction.

"Seek and ye shall find," they say, but they don't say what you'll find.

Paths that end in trouble are all the same – they only appear different when you don't know where they lead.

Don't get spun, whirled, twisted, gyrated, sloshed or tossed. Avoid false moves.

Since you know the rules, best play with Whites – they go first.

The regularity of the board disguises the predatory menace of certain pieces.

You know all the right moves; use them.

Look, Alice. Though his elliptical essence is unrecognisable, it's wrong to think him worthless.
- When Alice meets a silent and hopelessly broken Humpty-Dumpty

You may have missed something – what's rubbish to one is salvation to another.

Confront what frightens or offends you; reckless or insulting talk should never go unchallenged.

Gryphon's an ideal partener; perhaps I'll just retreat for a nap.

The vile creature is a killer, and even his words can wound.

Find the Queen. Ignore her pledge to decapitate intruders … at your peril.

Look for the Queen, but remember: she also has eyes for you.

Time to jump in Time to jump through time. I'm dizzy.

Defeat looms over your allies; total ruin will consume us unless you destroy the Queen. End this carnage; go to the Castle Keep; you are our only hope for survival.

The Queen, the Queen, my lower incisors for the queen. Where is that wretched creature?

Bravery and I are not on intimate terms – my natural curiosity is tempered with caution, thus I've lived long. But now, ignoring my instict to flee or fib, I speak the truth without regard to consequence; your courage deserves no less. You've suffered great pain, and you've caused some. You've endured deep grief and feelings of guilt, but you will be tested by a more wrenching anguish, Alice. There is worse to come. You and this Red Queen cannot both survive; you are two parts of the same – mia-meow!

Mad Hatter

Your hair wants cutting, and perhaps your neck could use a trim!

I like what I do is the same as I do what I like, don't you agree? So I do.

The Queen accused me of murdering time! Very wrong – I have another object in mind.

If you knew time as well as I, you wouldn't dream of wasting it!

The Red Queen

Off … with … her … head …

I rule Wonderland alone. Your interference will not be tolerated. This realm is for grown-ups; raw, well-ordered, ruthless, careening on the jagged edge of reality. Self-pitying dreamers are not wanted here; they cannot survive here. You fear the truth. You live in shadows. Your pathetic attempts to reclaim your sanity have failed. Retreat into the sterile safety of your self-delusions, or risk inevitable annihilation. If you destroy me, you'll destroy yourself. Leave now and some hollow part of you may survive. Stay, and I will break you down. You will lose yourself forever!

Dialogue

Alice: You've gone quite mangy, Cat. But your grin's a comfort.

Cheshire Cat: And you've picked up a bit of an attitude. Still curious and willing to learn, I hope?

Alice: Wonderland's become quite strange. How is one to find her way?

Cheshire Cat: As knowing where you're going is preferable to being lost, ask. Rabbit knows a thing or two, and I, myself, don't need a weathervane to tell which way the wind blows. Let your need guide your behaviour; suppress your instinct to lead; pursue Rabbit.

Alice: Everyone seems completely dejected. Are things really as bad as all that?

Torch Gnome: The truth would reduce yer to a blubberin' baby. Are you the savior Rabbit has been tellin' us about all this time?

Alice: I shouldn't think so. I'm a person … and just now I wish to get very small … about this big.

Torch Gnome: Calls for serious twistin'. Yeh'll need to go sideways, not forward. If I knew how, I'd go sideways meself.

Alice: Not twisted. Small. I wish to become about this big.

Torch Gnome: The Fortress of Doors holds such secrets … but it will take more than a wish to get inside.

Cheshire Cat: Doors have locks, locks need keys, which you don't have. Let's hope the Doors are open.

Alice: And if not, there may be more than one way to skin a cat, if you'll pardon the expression.

Cheshire Cat: Most unpleasant metaphor. Please avoid it in future.

Torch Gnome: Rabbit told us a champion would come. Are you that champion?

Alice: Perhaps. Can you get inside the Fortress Of Doors?

Torch Gnome: Oh, no! I wouldn't dare! Since the upheaval we've all become gutless half-wits. I can barely risk crossin' the road!

Gnome Elder: Why do you pursue me to this … deserted place?

Alice: To benefit from your wisdom.

Gnome Elder: Even blurred vision is valued by the blind. If I were clever, would I cower in this slag heap? I'm not wise, girl. I've just … grown old.

Alice: I wish to get very small. Do you know how I might do that?

Gnome Elder: Only that? Oh yes. I could manage that … for a price.

Alice: I have nothing of value.

Gnome Elder: You have nerve and your health. Mine are nearly gone. I've seen too much suffering. And I smoke too much, you see.

Alice: There is no lock, but it won't open. It's stuck.

Cheshire Cat: Think of it as a Chinese Box or a stubborn lid. A tap in the right spot might do the trick.

[Alice looks thoughtfully at The Book of Bizzare Things and kicks it off a ledge; it lands on the ground several floors below, and grudgingly opens]

Cheshire Cat: You call that a tap?! Fortunate I didn't suggest "force" – you might have pulverized it.

Bill: Psst. Over 'ere.

Alice: Don't I know you?

Bill: Bill McGill at ya service. Call me Larry. Or not. Got any brandy?

Alice: No. I've only my wits.

Bill: Then you have nuffing. Wits are useless 'ere. Everythink is downside up.

Alice: I must see the Duchess.

Bill: Impossible. She only sees those who don't wish to see her.

Alice: That's not right.

Bill: S'perfect. She's s'posed ta be hidin' from the Red Queen who wants her dead.

Alice: Her head?

Bill: That too. Ruins me home – builds this monstrosity. She's as mad as monkey mash! And just as tasteless. Well, never mind, we'll all perish soon enough. Sure you've no brandy?

Duchess: Come closer, my little chick … mmm, properly seasoned you'd make a handsome dish.

Alice: I'm not edible.

Duchess: Not a full meal, certainly. But a light snack, I think!

Alice: I'll have the turtle shell now, you disgusting ogre!

Duchess: Over my dead body!

Alice: I'll try to accommodate you!

Tweedledee: Look, 'Dum, it's whatshername from the neurotics ward! Nurse's favourite lunatic.

Tweedledum: Oh yeah? Scrawney, ain't she? Who let her out, then? They'll blame us, most like.

Tweedledee: She'll need more medicine. Strong medicine.

Tweedledum: She got anything to eat?

Tweedledee: Doubt it. She never finishes her grub at the asylum. If she had any meat on her, she'd make a delectable dish!

Alice: Despicable, grotesque and smelly louts – I'll fill your bellies, all right!

Cheshire Cat: The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Alice: Spare me the platitude. Do you have any useful advice?

Cheshire Cat: Use their size against them!

Mad Hatter: Bad timing. Pity. Reliable help is so hard to find these days. Come in, my dear. You're just in time for tea.

Alice: I only take mine with friends.

Mad Hatter: Count me to be among them. Accurately. I mean, honestly. That's the truth. Oh, I quite forgot. You and the truth are not on familiar terms.

Alice: And you would know?!

Mad Hatter: Truth is always bitter to those who fear it.

Alice: I fear nothing.

Mad Hatter: False. You fear much; a return trip to the asylum, for example … the memories that drove you there … more years in, shall we say, supervised hospitalization … ah yes, you fear much. Of course, all that might be avoided.

Alice: How? Tell me! What do you mean?

March Hare: Dormy! Wake up! Someone's come to release us!

Dormouse: It's just a human … probably useless … [yawns]

March Hare: Undo us, please, from this contraption!

Dormouse: Or you could give us tea … if you prefer …

Alice: Were you impolite at table? Did you slurp your tea, or talk while chewing? Confess your crime!

March Hare: We've done nothing of the kind! It's the Hatter … he's gone quite mad, I do say so! Speaking of which; how is the Queen of Hearts not like a typhoon?

Alice: Both are powerful, destructive and indiscriminately cruel. But the typhoon doesn't mean to be.

March Hare: Good answer! Wrong … but good!

Alice: Oh! I beg your pardon! You are in real danger! Where is your host?

Dormouse: Real danger? Are we? Really? Hare … I wish to go home … evidently I have worn out my welcome …

March Hare: The Hatter will be here at six! Sharp as clockwork!

Dormouse: Misses no opportunity to deny us our tea … most cruel, I'm sure … and his medicine makes me tired … [yawns]

Alice: Those two seem to barely comprehend their situation.

Gryphon: They're blithering idiots. But the Hatter does come at six on the dot.

Alice: For his tea?

Gryphon: No. To check his cruel experiments. With gears, springs, levers and mechanical gizzards, he seeks an impossible precision. Like a watchmaker obsessed with infinitesimal fractions of seconds, or a mathematician who tries to square the circle. He'll turn all the inhabitants into his Automatons, or kill them in the attempt.

Alice: That's simply awful! Six o' clock, you say?

Gryphon: Six precisely, by that clock.

Alice: [looking thoughtfully at a clock whose hands are rotating in opposite directions, never reaching six o' clock] Hmm … perhaps six comes early today.

The Jabberwock: You've kept me waiting, Alice. Have you never heard that punctuality's a virtue?

Alice: You and my dentist's assistant have much in common.

The Jabberwock: You're habitually late, aren't you? Between your dim-witted daydreaming and your preening vanity, the hours just fly by; there's barely time for anything else.

Alice: That the best you can do? Hurl second-rate insults? They don't hurt …

The Jabberwock: Your family was expecting you to come to them, weren't they? Perhaps they thought you might warn them of the danger … being close to the source, as you were. But they waited in vain, didn't they, and died for their trouble.

Alice: We were all asleep. It was an accident! I –

The Jabberwock: You selfish, misbegotten and unnatural child! You smelled the smoke, but you were in dreamland taking tea with your friends. You couldn't be bothered. Your room was protected and spared while your family upstairs roasted in an inferno of incredible horror!

Alice: Nooooooo!

Quoternity