Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Quotations

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy is a 2004 comedy that is a tongue-in-cheek take on the culture of the 70s as seen through a local TV news team where one female reporter struggles to become the first female "anchorman."

Directed by Adam McKay.

His news is bigger than your news. Taglines

Ron Burgundy

[when asked "what do you love?"] I love poetry. And a good glass of scotch. And of course, my friend Baxter here.
What is this? Amateur hour?!

[while warming up before the news] Unique New York. Unique New York.
[while warming up before the news] The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.
[while warming up before the news] The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.
[while warming up before the news] The skeleton took a shower. The skeleton ran out of shampoo in the shower.
[while warming up before the news] How now, brown cow? How now, brown cow?
[while examining his make-up job] AUDREY! Get in here, I look like hell! I've got bags under my eyes! [To Audrey off camera] What's that? Well, if you were a man, I'd punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. This is busch. Busch league! AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. All right? I'm sorry.
[while warming up before the news] Thirty seconds? We're on in 30 seconds? We're on air now? I don't believe you. [Lights a cigarette]

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed a urgent and horrifying news story, and I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!

I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

[looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.

[trying to woo Veronica the first time] Hello. I couldn't help but notice you from across the party, and... I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have... an absolutely breathtaking hiney. I mean that thing is good. I wanna be friends with it. [...] Do you know who I am? [...] I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal. [...] People know me. [...] Um...I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany...I'm...friends with Merlin Olsen, too, he comes over...on occasion.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904 they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a "whale's vagina."

[yelling at Veronica] What? You read my news? [...] I thought it was a joke. I thought it was funny. I even wrote it down in my diary and laughed at it that night. "Veronica had a very funny joke today." [...] We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you-you scorpion woman!

I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego. [repeated line]

I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourselves, San Diego.

I'm Ron Burgundy?

[talking to Baxter, his dog] Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Hey I'm not even mad. I'm impressed. That's amazing.

[to Baxter] You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. Like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.

The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show [kisses his biceps] and see if she likes the goods.

It truly is beauty and the beast... and a handsome beast at that.

If you want to throw down in fisticuffs, fine, I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waitin' for ya...right here!

When in Rome......

I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself thrust into the middle of vicious cockfight.

[talking to Veronica in his room] I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady [...] Wait, wait, stop that. I can't understand what you're saying. [...] Oh, we're going!

I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

Ooh, a formidable scent. It's quite pungent. It...it stings the nostrils, in a good way... Brian, to be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.

It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice...

Knights of Columbus, that hurt!

By the beard of Zeus!

Great Odin's raven!

Son of a bee sting!

Is that you, Baxter? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?!

[after jumping into the kodiak bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision!

[after the rest of the team state their opposition to his dating Veronica Corningstone] I know that one day we will be married on top of a mountain, and there will to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh......... herbs. And we will dance... until the sun rises! And then our children will form a family band, and we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited!

[singing] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town, because you are my little gentleman. [stops singing] Mmm, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling. [throws burrito out the window, where it hits a man on a motorcycle]

[singing in the bar] Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Phhtt. I make fart noises with my mouth. Phhtt. Phhtt.

Oops... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it, fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called, uh, jogging. I believe it's 'jogging' or 'yogging,' it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time! It's supposed to be wild.

You woke the bears! Why did you do that?

[shouting] NEWS TEAM! ASSEMBLE!

[to Veronica] You're a smelly pirate hooker. [...] Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

I am a man! I am an ANCHORman! [...] I'm a man who invented the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

You bitch!!

You've got a dirty, whorish mouth, that's what you have.

[From inside the telephone booth] "I am in a glass case of emotion!"

From the outtakes

Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!

By the Fishing Skills of Paul Ferguson!

Hot pot of coffee!

Sweet grandmother's spatula!

Saint Damien's beard!

By the beard of Zeus!

By the Hammer of Thor!

Spider-Man's balls, that hurt!

I'm going to shoot you with a BB gun. In the, back of the head.

Sweet Lincoln's mullet.

Brick Tamland

I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48, and am what some people call mentally retarded.

[riding a bear] Hey, Ron! I'm riding a furry tractor!

Right now it is seventy-eight degrees in our fair city, and compare that to sixty-eight degrees in the Upper Northwest, and forty-eight degrees in the Middle East.

I ate a big red candle.

(sees Veronica in Ron's place) .......You're not Ron.

(after drinking coffee) Mmm, I just burnt my tongue.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!!!

LOUD NOISES!!!

I love carpet. I love desk. ("Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and then saying that you love them?)...I love lamp. ("Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying that because you saw it?)...I love lamp! I love lamp.

[opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere that their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation.

Oh, sorry, Champ... I think I ate your Chocolate Squirrel

Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the...toilet...store?

Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!

I stabbed a man in the heart!

I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party. [...] The party, uh.. the party with pants. ("Brick are you trying to say that there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?)..Ah, that's it! ("Did Brian put you up to this?") No..Yes, yes he did. (No, Brick, I will not attend a party in your pants.") Very well then...Ian? Would you like to come to a party in my pants?

[When Ron asks, "Where did you get that hand grenade from, Brick?"] ...I don't know.

[Whispering] I'm Brian Fantana

From the outtakes

I ate a whole lot of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that man said... my stomach's itchy.

I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava.

I pooped a tape recorder.

I pooped a Cornish game hen.

I pooped a hammer.

From the deleted scenes

When there's weather to report, I report the weather.

[at the zoo reporting about a baby panda being born] This is Brick Tamland reporting. It is sunny out and the bears are fluffy. Just how fluffy remains to be seen. Behind me is the miracle of birth. Soon, a stork will fly overhead, delivering a baby panda. Let me see if I can get a look at what's going on. [looks through the crowd, and starts whimpering] No! I don't understand!

Brian Fantana

I know what you're thinking. And the answer is yes, I do have a nickname for my penis. It's called The Octagon. But I've also nicknamed my testes. The left one is James Westfall, and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you might just get to meet the whole gang.

I am hung...over.

I'm very aroused.

PANDA WATCH!

[after Brick talks about bears] Oh that's just great! You hear that, Ed? BEARS! Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Excusez-moi, Numero two!

[unveiling the Sex Panther] No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. [...] They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

Listen to Burgundy! He's gone soft on us, like some school boy bitch.

[when Veronica gags at his perfume and asks what the smell is] That's the smell of desire, m'lady. [once she describes it] Well... desire smells like that to some people!

[having heard a passer-by insult his Sex Panther cologne]...The mood is tense, Fantana!

Veronica Corningstone

Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I'm 72 percent sure that I love you.

Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.

I'm good at three things; fighting, screwing, and reading the news. Now I've already done one of those three today so what's the other one gonna be, huh?

Stop calling your arms guns!

You look like a blueberry!

Well you... have bad hair.

(To Ron) Jazz flute is for little fairy boys

(after being introduced as Tits McGee) Tits McGee is on vacation, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

(To Ron) Take me to pleasure town!

Every station is the same..

Ew, no that smells like.. a used diaper.. filled with indian food.

Champ Kind

[describing Veronica] Oooh, she has got a big ole' behind! I mean, I'd like to slap some barbecue sauce on that big ol' butt and just uh burr burr burr burr burrrr. OOwwwwooooo!!!!

Whammy! [repeated line]

[Ron Burgundy asked Champ if he got lucky last night?] Oh no, last night... oh, I stayed home for awhile, drank about six bottles of white wine, pissed my pants, so I drove down to Mexico, and shot some stray dogs. You know, pretty much standard Tuesday night.

[describing the morning after big party] Tell me about it. I woke up this morning, and I shit a squirrel. I mean it. Literally. Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive. So I got this...shit-covered squirrel down with me at the office. Don't know what to name it.

I'm all about having a good time. You know, get a couple cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen; maybe go to Sea World, take my pants off.

I will smash your face into a car windshield then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

I woke up in this Japanese family's rec-room and they would NOT stop screaming.

It is Anchorman, not Anchorlady, and that is a scientific fact!

Wes Mantooth

Nice clothes gentlemen. I didn't know the Salvation Army was having a sale.

I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you! [turning to his co-anchors] Can't say one word? Even the guy who can't think said something and you just stand there? Cmon!

[to Ron] From deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But goddammit, do I respect you!

Today, we spell redemption R-O-N.

Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!!!

Ed Harken

[on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

[on the phone with his son] Put down the gun, and let the marching band go. We'll play it off as a prank.

Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.

The biggest story of the year, and my anchorwoman disappears?? Dammit... get me a phone. I can't believe I'm about to do this. [...] I'd rather slit my throat.

Others

Angry Biker: What the hell Bro?! Did you just throw a burrito out the window?

Angry Biker: Now this is happenin'! [kicks Baxter over a bridge]

Frank Vitchard: Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to be in . . . dead place!

Frank Vitchard: I am going to straight-up murder your ass!

Frank Vitchard: [after getting his arm chopped by a blade, out of nowhere] Ugh! I did not see that coming!

Frank Vitchard: [after getting his other arm ripped off by a bear] Oh, COME ON! It's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous!

Arturo Mendes: ¿Comó están, Beetches! Spanish language news is here! Today's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood!

Arturo Mendes: ¡Policia!

News Announcer: Here's tonight's Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor, Ron Burgundy, and Tits McGee.

Public TV News Anchor: Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy!

Tino: They have a saying in my country for people like him [to Veronica Corningstone about Ron Burgundy] The coyote of the desert always likes to eat the heart of the young. Where the blood drips down to the children for breakfast, lunch and dinner... only the ribs will be broken into two...
ôôôôä

Dialogue

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to do my job.

Ron Burgundy: Big deal! I am very professional!

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN! I am an ANCHORMAN!

Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!

Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel, and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal...and brawn! That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Brian Fantana: I mean come on, Ed, it's bullcrap! Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!

Champ Kind: It is anchorMAN, not anchorLADY! And that is a scientific fact!

Brick Tamland: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!

Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?

Ron Burgundy: Shit! Sh... it's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!

Brian Fantana: Mhmm!

Brick Tamland: LOUD NOISES!!

Ed Harken: Look,she's not gonna take anyone's air time, okay?

Brick Tamland: [voice quavering] I heard somewhere their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation!

Brian Fantana: [somberly] You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Ron Burgundy: Where did you get a hand grenade, Brick?

Brick Tamland: I don't know.

Champ Kind: What's this?

Wes Mantooth: Well, well, well, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.

Ron Burgundy: Hello, Wes Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.

Wes Mantooth: Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. [giggles] Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!

Brick Tamland: Hey, where did you get those clothes, the...toilet...store?

Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.

Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

Ron Burgundy: Hey, leave the mothers out of this. It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again. [Brian winces]

Wes Mantooth: That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have... uh... more than two television sets... and...other things of that nature.

Ron Burgundy: I guess I have to take you at your word...No. 2. You have a great day, fellas, we'll see you around the bend.

Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.

Frank Vitchard: Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place!

Ron Burgundy: (on the fight between local anchormen) Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!

Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.

Ron Burgundy: [surprised] It did, didn't it?

Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.

Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?

Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should probably find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.

Ron Burgundy: That's a given. That's a given.

Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. [laughs brokenly] I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!

Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?

Ron Burgundy: Yeah...sit the next couple plays out, if you know what I mean.

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!

Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!

Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!

Veronica Corningstone: Well you... have bad hair!

Ron Burgundy: [shellshocked] What did you say?

Veronica Corningstone: I said... your hair looks stupid.

Angry Biker: What do you love?

Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.

Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.

[grabs Baxter]

Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?

[biker punts Baxter over bridge]

Angry Biker: That's how I roll!

Brian Fantana: Sex Panther by Odeon. This stuff is illegal in 9 countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent. [cringes] It's a formidable scent, it stings the nostrils...in a good way.

Brian Fantana: [daubing the cologne on his neck] Yup.

Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.

Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. They say 60% of the time, it works every time.

Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make any sense.

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell?

Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire, my lady.

Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with Indian food! Oh, excuse me.

Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people...

Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.

News Station Employee: It smells like Bigfoot's dick!

(cut to Brian being jet-hosed)

Hoser: This is worse than when that raccoon got in the photocopier!

Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.

Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?

Brian Fantana: I don't remember.

Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...

Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm pretty sure that's not love.

Brian Fantana: Damn it!

Brick Tamland: [hesitantly] I love...carpet. [Ron nods understandingly] I love...desk.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick Tamland: [whispering] I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying that because you saw it?

Brick Tamland: [helplessly] I...I love lamp! I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: You really want to know what love is? (Champ Kind nods his head, whispering "Yeah")

Brian Fantana: Yes! Tell us!

Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron!

Ron Burgundy: Well, it's really quite simple...It's...Kinda like...(singing Afternoon Delight) Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto's always been "when it's right, it's right", why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

Everyone: (joining in) When everything's a little lighter in the light of day. And, we know the night is always gonna be there anyway!

Brick and Brian together: Thinkin of ya's workin' up my appetite, looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite and the thought of lovin' you is gettin' so exciting, sky rockets in flight. Afternoon Delight.

Ron Burgundy: (stops singing) You guys have it.

Everyone: (singing) Afternoon delight!

Champ Kind: (stops singing) I dunno, Ron, that sounds kinda crazy.

Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.

Brick Tamland: (dreamily) Yeah, you got mental problems, man.

Brian Fantana: Yeah, it really does.

Brick Tamland: Man.

Everyone: Afternoon delight!

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal.

Veronica Corningstone: Really.

Ron Burgundy: People know me.

Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.

Ron Burgundy: Um...I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books...and my apartment smells of...rich mahogany.

Ron Burgundy: Look, the most glorious rainbow ever!

Veronica Corningstone: Oh, do me on it!

Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?

Brian Fantana: Panda Watch! The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I, uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that, he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.[to the Panda] Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, panda jerk!

Ron Burgundy: Great story. Compelling and rich.

Ron Burgundy: (lifting weights) 1001, 1002, 1003.

Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.

Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?

Veronica Corningstone: Yes.

Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting, I did over a thousand.

Ron Burgundy: Mmm. San Diego. Drink it in, it always goes down smooth. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means "a whale's vagina".

Veronica Corningstone: ...No, there's no way that's correct.

Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean "Saint Diego"?

Ron Burgundy: No. No.

Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.

Ron Burgundy: Well. Agree to disagree.

Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?

Brian: Brian Fantana.

Champ: Champ Kind.

Brick: Brian Fantana.

Brian: No, you're Brick.

Brick: Brian.

Brian: I'm Brian.

Brick: Veronica.

Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.

Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and as my gentleman lover?

Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!

Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.

Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. “Veronica had a very funny joke today.” I laughed at it later that night!

Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you!

Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!

Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

Ron Burgundy: VERONICA CORNINGSTONE AND I HAD SEX AND NOW WE ARE IN LOVE!! ...Did I say that loud?

Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.

Ron Burgundy: [while both are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I friggin' love you!

Veronica Corningstone: I friggin' love you back!

Veronica Corningstone: [Picks up phone] Veronica Corningstone.

Ron Burgundy: Hello. This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy results here, and guess what? You, you got knocked up, so you should probably get out of news.

Veronica Corningstone: Who is this!?

Ron Burgundy: This is Doctor Chim... Dr. Chim Richalds... Richalds.

Veronica Corningstone: Is this you Ron!?

Ron Burgundy: I'm a professional doctor, you saw me.. you don't remember. You were drunk. You should.. you should go, you should get out of news.

Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.

Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic. [hangs up]

Champ Kind: How'd it go?

Ron Burgundy: I think she bought it.

Ron Burgundy: Thanks for watching Channel 4 News. You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?

Ed Harken: Dammit, who typed a question mark on the TelePrompter? How many times do I have to tell you? Anything you type, Burgundy will read!

Garth Holliday: [sobbing incoherently] Coming out with stink like that...poop...you poop-mouth, there's poop coming out of your mouth...

Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I were to give you some money from out of my wallet.... would that help ease the pain? [glances at Ed for approval]

From the outtakes:

Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?

Brick Tamland: Um, no, no... too many people died last year, so we're not gonna do it.

Brick Tamland: *cough!* *look over here!* Excuse me, Veronica

Veronica Corningstone: Yes what is it Brick?

Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you, an invitation to the Pants Party.

Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?

Brick Tamland: ...The party ...the pants ...party with the pants?

Veronica Corningstone: Brick are you saying that there is a party in your pants and that I'm invited?

Brick Tamland: That's it.

Veronica Corningstone: Mm. Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?

Brick Tamland: No-yes, he did.

Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No I don't want to go to a party in your pants...

Brick Tamland: Very well. (Turns to crew member) Ian! Would you like to go to a party in my pants?

Wake Up, Ron Burgundy: The Lost Movie

Ron Burgundy: [while warming up before the news] A tarantula enjoys a fine chewing gum.
Ron Burgundy: [while warming up before the news] Snoopy was stabbed by a spear.

----
[Ron Burgundy walking through the crowd at the pool]

Brian Fantana: Hey, Ron, do you know what chlamydia is?
Ron Burgundy: No, but it sounds like fun.
Garth: Hey, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Hey, Garth. How's the divorce?
Garth: Oh, not so good. My kids don't even remember me--
Ron Burgundy: Listen, I don't have time. You done with that? I think you are now.

----
[At a morning meeting the day after the pool party]

Brick Tamland: I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said. My stomach's itchy.
Champ Kind: I woke up this morning, and I shit a squirrel. The hell of it is, the thing was still alive. So now I got this shit-covered squirrel down there in my office, don't know what to name it.
Brick Tamland: Umm. . . I'm sorry Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel. . .

----

Quoternity