Andy Richter Controls the Universe

Andy Richter Controls the Universe was a short-lived sitcom (2002-2003) on FOX about a writer named Andy just trying to make it in the real world.

• "And, now, it's time to bring my plan to its wickedly delicious conclusion!... Ok, now I just sound gay." ~ Andy Richter

• "Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish... And his wife!" ~ Mr. Pickering

• "Have you ever eaten a six-pound lobster off the chest of a seven-pound lobster?" ~ Freddy Pickering

• "Well, at least she died doing what she loved... committing suicide." ~ Freddy Pickering

• "All I know is, I hate racists. I hate everything about them, their music, their food, their so-called religion, the way their men are so skinny, and their wives are all so fat, but mostly, I hate the way they judge people based on tired stereotypes." ~ Byron

• "Ahh, wishing to go to France, aren't we? I know why you really want to go to France. It's because of their loose sexual laws. But, observing your physical qualities, I must say that it will only mean that you can do more things to yourself." ~ Mr. Pickering

• "There's going to be a duct tape wedding! Cover your genetalia and run!" ~ Andy Richter

• "Here I was, facing a problem as old as civilization itself: how to catch a drunk cat in the ceiling so I can go to France." ~ Andy Richter

• "Good for you my boy! Having your way with the help. They're bending over anyway, eh?" ~ Mr. Pickering

• "Oh I'm sorry! It's just hard to believe you could ever be in love with something not covered in sauce." ~ Mr. Pickering

• "I mean, sure, you can start a relationship based on four days of false information about mole-rats, but then where do you go? Am I right?" ~ Andy Richter

• "Well I guess this is kind of my fault, since I only told you exactly what would happen, instead of actually living your life for you." ~ Jessica

• "This reminds me of that old saying: You idiot. ~ Jessica

• "Uh, listen. I wasn't gonna say this before because I wanted to be supportive and non-judgemental, but your religion is laugh-out-loud stupid." ~ Andy Richter

• "My fear of a meaningless cosmos was no match for those two theologians known as meat and cheese." ~ Andy Richter

• "My mind is full of despair and my body is full of sex bugs." ~ Byron

• "Is it me, or is it getting dizzy in here?" ~ Andy Richter

• "How does it feel, being outsmarted by a child? Let me guess: familiar?" ~ Mr. Pickering

• "Oh cheer up! This tape could be the best thing that ever happened to you. You finally have proof that you fornicated with something you didn't pay for, or inflate." ~ Mr. Pickering

• "Did you know if a blue whale mated with a beaver their babys would be the largest insects on the earth." ~ Airena (Jessica’s House Keeper)

• "Other than babies, is there anyone more selfish than the dead?" ~ Keith

• "Why, I once murdered a man with an axe! By your liberal definition, this makes me an axe murderer!" ~ Mr. Pickering

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Andy's Brain: [Hands down that was the second coolest thing I've ever seen. Wanna see the first coolest?]

{Cutscene to a woman seductively approaching the camera spraying whipped cream in her hand while "Lead Me On" by Maxine Nightingale plays in the background
Andy's Brain: [I'd show you more...{A young man stands up and blocks the view of the woman}...but her boyfriend who was actually in the room had to go and ruin everything.]

{Young man lifts up woman and carries her off screen while the camera zooms out to Andy looking out a window with binoculars. Andy then turns around with tears in his eyes and faces the camera
Andy:(sobbing) Will I ever know love?!(Commences sobbing)

Andy's Brain: [Oops, I didn't mean to show you that part.]
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