As Good as It Gets Quotations

As Good As It Gets is a 1997 film about reclusive author Melvin Udall who has OCDP. The film focuses on his scathing remarks and insensitivity with those around him - until a chain of events involving a waitress named Carol, his gay neighbor Simon and a little dog named Verdell begin to change his nature for the better.

Directed by James L. Brooks. Written by James L. Brooks and Mark Andrus

A comedy from the heart that goes for the throat.

Melvin Udall

Life is pain management.

What if this is as good as it gets?

Quit worrying. You'll be back on your knees in no time.

This is New York, pal. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere!

Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just, no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman alive. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, 'Spence'. And in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables, and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.

People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.

You're a disgrace to depression.

Never interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint - even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David. And you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock, not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

Yes, I hate the doggy! Yes, I hate the doggy!

I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!

Police! Donut-munching morons! Help me!

As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

I guess what I'm trying to say is... you make me want to be a better man.

How can you diagnose someone as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act as if I had some kind of choice about barging in here?

Carol the waitress, meet Simon the fag.

Where do they teach you to talk like that? Some Panama City sailor wanna hump hump bar? Or is this getaway day and a last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy some place else, we're all stocked up here.

Simon Bishop

You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.

Lucky for you, you're here for rock-bottom. You absolute horror of a human being.

Well then get in your jamies and I'll read you a story!

I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help. And I won't. And... I don't want to paint any more! So the life that I was trying for, is over. The life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.

The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.

If you stare at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.

Do you miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Well here I am, sweetheart! C'mere, ya little piss-ant mop! How 'bout another ride down the chute?!

Carol Connelly

[To Melvin] Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.

Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?

If you ever mention my son again, you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand? Give me some sign you understand, or leave now. Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?!

I want your life for one minute where my biggest problem is someone offering me a free convertible so I can get outta this city.

When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome. And then, of course, you spoke.

Frank Sachs

I'm in a freakball here!

You wanna say no to me? You wanna say no to me?! 'Cause I've never felt this crazy as I do right now. I almost want you to say no.

You think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude but you don't intimidate me. I grew up in hell, home boy! My grandmother had more attitude!

I like Simon! And I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable if you verbally abuse him, or so much as touch that dog again. In the meantime, I'm gonna try to think of some way you can make it up to him. I hate doin' this! I'm an art dealer! Have a nice day.

Dialogue

Melvin: [answering the door] Is he dead yet?

Nora: No! I was wondering, would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him.

Melvin: Absolutely.

Nora: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that, even things like this, happen for the best.

Melvin: Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

Carol: So what are you doing with a dog?

Melvin: Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.

Carol: You're not worried someone might take it?

Melvin: Well not until now for Christ sake!

Melvin: I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though this is an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject.

Carol: What subject?! That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?

Melvin: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick, just tired and bitter.

Zoe: How do you write women so well?

Melvin: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

Carol: Fucking HMO! Bastard pieces of shit!

Beverly: Carol.

Carol: I'm Sorry.

Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.

Carol: I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never, ever. Not ever.

Melvin: I'm sorry, but, we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9am.

Carol: I'm not kidding.

Melvin: Okay. Anything else?

Simon: I love you.

Melvin: I tell ya, buddy, I'd be the luckiest man alive if that did it for me.

Melvin: Can I ask you a personal question?

Simon: Sure.

Melvin: You ever get an erection over a woman?

Simon: Melvin.

Melvin: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you--

Simon: You consider your life easy?

Melvin: Alright. I give you that one.

Quoternity