Ask a Ninja Quotations

Ask a Ninja is a series of comedy videos about the image of ninjas in popular culture available in podcast and vodcast form, as well as in the popular mov and wmv file formats. The first episode was released in November 2005, but production and editing of that initial episode is not as proficient as the episodes from number 2 (January 2006) onwards.

Question 2: Ninja Santa

There's the myth that santa wears red. That is very true. But, the red comes from the blood of children who have woken up in the middle of the night, snuck downstairs, to try to get a glimpse of santa. Kids- DO NOT DO IT! !

Question 3: Ninja Training

The Ninjas give you a bitchin' 5,000 multiple choice questionaire, and it's tricky.

Question 4: Hiring A Ninja

You don't hire ninjas for everyone you need to kill... that's what Italians are for!

Hey! I'm an Italian...are you callin me a murderer?!

Yes, we fucking are

Question 5: Ninja Skills

There are two main catagories of ninjas skills: Deadly and possibly deadly.
And then there's the trash talking that goes on on Xbox Live. Ooh, have you heard some of these kids? I got going with Junkboy45 from Waukegan, Illinois. I just want to... I'm gonna figure out how to do that as a ninja. Just reach through the internet and actually strangle a thirteen year-old over the internet.

Question 6: Master of Disguise

You must be able to fold yourself in the wind so that you can you know like... hide from everyone... well, it's like... there's wind... and then you can't be seen.

Question 7: Ninja Grub

I suppose nobody has to eat if they don't want to, but that's called Nicole Richie... or Africa.
My Ninja sauce will make you shoot your mother in the head.

Question 8: Roger

There are not ninjas following you around like they're going to kill you... there's just one, his name is Roger and he hates your guts, buddy!

The ninja code forbids a dark knight from killing someone based on semantics, speech impediments and the misuse of colloquialisms.

Question 9: Ninja Love

If ninjas can be accused of anything, it's loving too much. Loving to death, as a matter of fact.
Have I stolen the hearts of a few ladies? Guilty! Unfortunately I was not able to return them before they bled to death!

Question 10: Ninja Metal

For years, we've been using Warped Tour as a training exercise. Never mosh with a ninja. We'll kill ya.
An iPod Ninja is like an iPod Nano, except it's a million times thinner, it has awesome vid capabilities... and it's a useable shuriken.

Question 11: Ninja Dogs

Laziness! Sure! That's what being a Ninja is all about! *Sarcasm!*
Canine ninjas or caninjas are serious business. I had a friend who taught his dog how to use hyper ninja speed like (makes whoosing noises) ripped his arms right out of his sockets.

Question 12: Ninja Colds

Can ninjas catch colds? I guess the better question would be: can colds catch ninjas? Nope. We're faster than germs. So then yes, ninjas can catch colds.

The only disease that a ninja is susceptible to is Saturday Night Fever.

I'll tell you this though: sometimes colds get very lazy, and they hire ninjas to do the killing for them. Black Plague: Ninjas. Before we came along, it was just known as 'that thing that's going around'. We can change flu season into 'Hey can I borrow your barn to store the bodies until spring" season faster than Tara Reid can destroy a viable career.

Question 14: Ninja Gifts

Giving a ninja something black is like giving crazy to Angelina Jolie. It's like giving guns to Master Chief. Like giving boobs to Dolly Parton. We already have plenty.

Question 15: Deciding Like a Ninja

Eeny, meeny, miny, dead
Catch a ninja by his head
If he hollers kick him back,
Then remove his still beating heart and watch him die slowly and painfully.

Question 16: How To Kill a Ninja

Thanks for your question Randy, you look forward to killing me soon! Hi-ya-whuh?
Gotta be on your toes at a Ninja funeral.

Question 17: Ninja Omnibus

Gauntlet thrown, gauntlet picked-up and now I'm ready to bludgeon you over the head with the gauntlet.

I'm a Ninja! (His answer to most the questions in the episode)

If a ninja does anything ANYWHERE, it doesn't make a sound, and if it does, it'll probably be the last sound you ever hear.

Enough
- In response to
  - How much sleep does a ninja get?
  - How much do ninjas bathe?
  - How many different kinds of weapons are there?

It's Michael Palin with his face in a pie times Douglas Adam squared!
- In response to the question "What is the cirumference of a moose?"

Do you ever get tired of being alive?
- in response to "Do you ever get tired of being a ninja?"

Complicated.
- In response to the question "What is integral theory?"

A cream puff. A very deadly cream puff. Underneath the pastry it has very sharp angles on it and the cream that's inside is poison and the powdered sugar is actually, uh, powdered swords. That's a pretty deadly food right there. I wouldn't mind being that food. Would not want to eat one though.
- In response to If ninja could be food what food would it be?

Let's kick this Pig!

Kids remember this. Nothing is impossible, But it is not very likely
- In response to "Is it possible to meet you without you killing me?"

The one that kills you!
- In response to "Of all the ninja skills, which is the deadliest?"

Question 18: Minjas

Yes, there are nindgets. Who actually prefer to be called "minjas."

Never pick up a minja. They'll tear your arms off, and they'll beat you to death with your arm, which is not fun. I've seen people enjoy being killed, and that's definitely not one of those instances. I mean, a common thing that someone says when they're being beaten to death with their own arms by a minja is, "This is not fun. This is not fun. This is not fun." Usually it's a lot more screamy and painy.

Question 19: Physics

Will you please leave us alone? My relationship with physics is my business.

(To the National Geographic Theme music) Look at that monkey. What has that monkey got in his hand?

Question 20: KillaCon

It's not really ninja specific, its just basically for anyone who really enjoys killing people
Signing up normally takes place in a cave a couple feet east of uh... The center of the earth!

Question 21: Revolution Cubed

Now Karaoke Revolution, I think we all know what's wrong with this softcore bore-oke, lame-oke, I-really-don't-care-oke.
The French Revolution? Now, that was a real revolution. Classic comedy. People who think that the French have no sense of humor have never seen someone guillotined.

Question 22: Ninja Excuses

Uhh... yeah, you know what, that sounds great. I'd really enjoy doing that. The thing is... I've just recently started volunteering with the BBSSA, the Brittle Bones Sydrome Shut-ins with Amnesia Foundation and you're pretty much always on call with those people.
Ninjas train in excuses.
World Cup. Perfect excuse. Honestly, most people don't know how the World Cup works...
You save your weddings, anniversaries or deaths for the big events you want to avoid like "Hey, I've got an extra ticket to the Mariah Carey concert."
I have to stop zombie Tupac from releasing another album from beyond the grave!
I have to pick up my flying snake from the cave of eyes and teeth.
I would but the International Order of Ninjas has just approved the killing of Jonathan Lipnicki and I can't miss out.

Question 23: Ninternships

I love the spunk.... Don't take that out of context.

Ninternship program is not for ninjas, ninternship its for ninjaish people, ninja wannabes its ninjannabes

If you do get into our program be prepared for death, yours and other people.

Question 24: Thr33

Thr33 was the original 1337.

Regular ninja is usually enough... Ninja to the power of three? Forget about it.

Thr33 woke up the next morning to find themselves surrounded by one million, eight hundred and ninety-five thousand eight hundred and sixty three severely pissed off monkey-dragons!

Question 25: Summer Jobs

It sounds like you need to turn your 'bummer job' into a 'fummer job'. I thought that was going to work out better than it did.

How 'bout this? Grab a stapler, some spare fur that might be lying around, and your threshold for pain, and turn your face into a woodland creature!

Hey, hey, hey! If you're not killing somebody, get out of the deep end.

The little ones are the easiest kills, because you just pop the water wings and then (makes drowning noises).

One summer I had a good time just driving a bad humor truck. "Alright, who's up for chocolate covered kitten? How 'bout a squirrel with a banana shoved down its throat?"

Question 26: Least Favorite

If people really realized how rude and inconsiderate badgers were, they would get a lot more mascot work.

You know what I will say? My least favorite thing to kill is a robot. And I know what you're thinking: 'What? Robots seem fun to kill.' But There's no splatter with a robot. When I stab something, I like the (squishing sound) I like the squish of a good kill, and robots just don't have it.

I like the killin'.

Killing is such a positive thing.

You miss 100% of the people you don't stab.

Cherish your dreams, for they are the blueprint of YOUR HOUSE OF PAIN!

Whether you think you're dead or not, you're right.

Question 27: Standing In Lines

Lines are one of the biggest enemies of the ninja.

They should have a ninja channel.

Next time your in a line, just put down your basket of frozen lonliness: reminders that you have no-one in your life.

Honestly, lines are not about making friends.

Ninja lines at ninja meetings, still and straight are the key words. They're constantly throwing shurikens dipped in flesh-eating bacteria up and down the aisles. You lean forward a little bit, suddenly you don't have an epidermal layer. Which is helpful; it's good to have a layer of skin.

Black lines...They will kill your brain...Black lines! Don't do it!

Question 28: Niniature Golf

We will play niniature golf, which has some parallels to miniature golf, but I really would not recommend it for a fifth birthday party.

That's not how you want to spend a Friday night. Em-barrassing! When you've been spaghettified through the fabric of the universe, you aren't getting a kiss. Nobody wants to kiss someone that's been infinitely diminished.

If you get winged by an ice cube from a giant frozen primate...you feel that, you feel that.

Don't try and play the whole game with one sword! You don't use a Dark Dragon Blade when you're really supposed to be using the Hell Guardian. Use an Orc-Cleaver when you're supposed to use an Orc-Cleaver!

You take a friend to Putt-Putt golf, but you take an enemy to Cut-Cut golf.

Question 29: BBQ

That's a little T-L-C from the N-I-N-J-A.
'If you can't stand the heat, get out of the volcano.' That's the saying. But the reality is, if you can stand the heat, you probably don't have the time to get out the volcano, becuase your skin is melting off Raiders of the Lost Ark style. (Imitates melting nazis from said movie) I like that. That's a good scene. Kinda get you right there (gestures to heart) Little touching.

Question 30: Ninja Omnideuce

Uh, no...What are you talking about?...There's a law against that...My hamster ate the list, and then...my hamster was eaten by something with...TWO heads...
- Q: Can you do an episode about how many lies a Ninja can make up in a minute?

You never had it to begin with.
- Q: Can I have it back?

Because you let life suck at you.
- Q: Why do I suck at life?

RUN, PAUL, RUN! Anywhere on Earth but Ohio! There's a codependent, clingy, dysfunctional clan of weirdos there that is trying to drag you into a monotonous hell of watery chili and mediocre sports franchises!
- Acting on a request by viewer to convince viewer's brother Paul to move back to Ohio.

No. We ride diecycles; and we never shorten the name.
- Q: Do ninjas ride bicycles?

I know that's not a question, but, um, I just thought that was kinda cool.
- Upon seeing an ASCII drawing of a handgun.

No. Ninjas glide sliently in love with two swords drawn.
- Q: Do ninjas fall in love?

Yes, there are Gay Ninjas.
- Q: Ninja oh Ninja, where for art thou Ninja, hast thou Ninja ben killed by a Ninja who is more deadly than thou art?

Did you?
- Q: Did you ever went to school?

Jedis are tucked away saftley on your DVDs, ninjas are standing right behind you. Seriously.
- Q: What is the difference between a jedi and a ninja?

Because they're ninjas.
- Q: Why are ninjas called ninjas?

Yes.
- Q: If you could kill any historical figure or figures, who would you kill, how would you kill them and why?

From the dead.
- Q: How do ninjas raise their children?

It's harder not to be a ninja.
- Q: Is it hard to be a ninja?

Yes I actually have, all of them at the same time.
- Q: Did you ever do any of the following?
  - Ride the wing of a 747?
  - Use a boiling hot burrito as a weapon?
  - Fight with an alien?

QUIET!
- Q: What should I be for Halloween?

They're video games ... I can beat video games, with the exception of Katamari I fall asleep, just a huge ball of boring.
- Q: Can you beat Ryu Hayabusa, Ninja Gaiden, Narato, Scorpion...

His name was badass. Sir Badass Killington.
- Q: Who was the badass ninja who trained you?

DON'T
- Q: What is the proper ettiquute for hugging a ninja?

Not be a ninja. Or can't they?
- Q; What can't a ninja do?

Deal No deal, dudududu no wait sheesh you don't wanna end up with $1!
- Q: Deal or no deal?

Duck. It basicly just involved someone swinging a board at you as fast as possible and you trying not to get hit... I miss Joey... he was never any good at that game.
- Q: What was your favourite board game as a little ninja?

Sure. My morning jog often consists of running across several counties. I get up around 5am and run at the earth's rotation till about ... well until 5am because it's, 'cause it's just crossing time zones. I'm going to need a diagram.
- Q; Do ninjas run cross country?

Question 31: TechNINlogy

You've heard of Big Brother? He's a ninja! And you are gonna need more than a duffel bag full of guns and a butched-out Carrie-Anne Moss to get through his lobby!

I work in the world as a shadow of death, and...?

We are watchers! We are lurkers! We are, we are lurkers and lookers, we are lookers and lurkers...we're luuoorkers.

Nothing could be closer to the truth, but still miss the mark entirely.

A ninja is not a one trick pony! We are an infinite trick pony!
- And it's not regular pony hair; it's like little snakes.
- And it's not even a real pony. It's a ninja inside a pony, and we sneak out one of the oversized ears and we punch you...while you're feeding the pony bacon.
- Ponies love bacon, not a lot of people know that.

Boy, you never see cats laugh, do you? A smirk, maybe, but you never see a cat laughing. There was that one cat in the Laugh Olympics that would do that "hee-hee" but it was kinda like a wheezy...That was creepy.

(singing) Ninja eyes *clap clap* are watchin' you, plannin' to remove yo' spleen...

A ninja is never a master of death until he is an observer of life! Anne Frank said that! Or... Dr. Frankenstein. It was either Anne Frank or Dr. Frankenstein that said that. Frankly, I like to watch!

TechNINlogy is all the technology devoloped by ninjas, for ninjas! FNBN, YO!

Couple of things about TechNINlogy: Really cool, pretty addictive, and rather dangerous. And I don't just mean dangerous like, "oh that could be dangerous if that fell into the wrong hands". Its dangerous when it's in the right hands
- It's like manning 2 Wii controllers after drinking six Throttles.

It's like a bright, sunny day in Deathsville.

When you feel like absolutely no one's watching you, that's probably a ninja. Yeah. Pretty heavy stuff.

Question 32: Ninja Dates

...We had to hide a whole 'nother month of dates in the calendar. We had a little trouble naming that month. Originally we were going to call it "Dismember". But then there was a big push for "Kill-gust". And then somebody proposed, "Will", which was kind of a response to May, because they had never really liked the tentativeness of "May".

Janinjuary is made up of all the time people spend spaced out.

We make a nanosecond of really ridiculously loud noise to honor our foreninjas. We thought about doing a moment of silence, but then we thought, "You know what, most moments that a ninja spends are already moments of silence; we should do something different than that," because it would just be called a moment.

How about Theodeath Slicerstein, the person who coined the phrase, "Hi-ya!"? He was the first person who said it. Before that, it was just random. We were just going, "Carrot!" "Sneakers!" It was just bad.

Don't snap out of it, because you may catch a ninja off-guard and he's gonna snap you back into it... permanently.

The more you drool, the more it rains in Janinjuary. If you slobber, you're a goner. I wish it rhymed, it doesn't, but that does not mean it's not true.

"Special Delivery 7: Pirates of the Caribbean"

Kraken, Kraken, Kraken, Kraken, Kraken.
- Describing the movie in question.

Question 33: Hidey's Disease

Made possible by the Better Killing Through Education Fund & viewers like you.
- After the end of the "video" about Hidey's Disease.

Some of the symptoms of Phase I include: sleeping in coffee cans, changing your name to a pronoun, like "he"...that they think is alot sneakier if they're just like "He?" "Who's He?" "He's who?" "No, no!" "She's who." "Who's what?" "No!" "What's they!?" "They aren't even here anymore!"

It's Phase III that the disease gets personal! It convinces the ninja that life itself is out to get it!

Life is no fun when you're hiding from existence itself!

Special Delivery 10: Pop!Tech

Um... A bunch of geeks in Maine?
- In response to the question, "What the heck is Pop!Tech 2006?"

Bright green possibilities? How 'bout dark black guarantees.

I don't want to be a spoiler. I'll give you a hint. It starts with "nin" and it ends your life. Any guesses? No? It's a ninja!

Conflict: we got plenty of that. Resolution--well I think we all agree there can be only one. And the possibility of peace? It's still nonexistent.

Question 35: Ninja Poetry

Do ninjas write poetry or are they just murderous shadows of death, put on earth only to act against mankind?... Wow! I didn't realize those were the only two options.

(After imitating Sean Penn) That is acting against mankind. Ninjas pursue mental, physical, and spiritual perfection. A very subtle difference, I see how you could have possibly made the mistake -- if you were, perhaps, a cup of dirt.

Sometimes the shorter the poem the better, try this one out for size: Black black black black black black black black black black black black..death

Flower, Pretty Flower. I stop to smell you, you take my nose away. Wait a minute!? Why are you so sharp!? You are not a flower. Now I have no nose. Face, Bloody Face.

There once was a ninja from Nantucket. Who kept all his swords in a bucket. He started to spin and exclaimed with a grin, When I let this thing go you best duck it!

I look forward to plucking the sun from your universe and watching the cold of time and the void of space slowly dissolve the existence that was you... soon.

Silly Sara was a zombie. Wacky, wild, weird, and wombie. She loved walking, she loved rain, she loved groaning, she love brains!

This one here is an acrostic called shadow. Silent, Hanging, Asp, Dropping, Ouch!, Wathump!

Question 36: Clubs

A club without the right direction is a misguided stick.

And a leprechaun -- those little suckers are like Colin Farrell. They are little, obnoxious, and really good with women.

Question 37: Last Words

Like a vampire? They are yappy.

I have experienced a lot of last words. More than most people, I would have to say.

People have this romantic notion that, like, what they say at the very end is gonna be the most meaningful thing of their lives. If that is the case, most people's lives are summed up by screaming, wheezing, or saying some incoherent babble.

And you're just like, "Come on, Mom! There's Teddy Grahams that I want to eat! I don't like the old lady who smells like purple."

Question 38: College Tips

It has been scientifically proven that ponytails shut down the part of the brain that allows you to say things that are interesting or relevant.

Question 39: Mirrors

Vampires, they can't be seen in mirrors because they're enchanted, undead, and stupid. Ninjas can't be seen in mirrors because we're just so dang quick! We can break a mirror and then jump out of the way so that the seven years of bad luck hits somebody else.

Hold the shuriken, blurken! I am way better looking than you!

Drop the ego, amigo! You're just a reflection.

Question 41: Film Ninjoir

Wow, Greg! You really know how to ask the hard-hitting questions that the world needs answered. Or, at least the small portion of the world that makes up the nerdinjas that watch this show. Love you guys.
I am going at this with the fury of a thousand sand-spewing desert bears!*
As much as she scared the bejeebies out of me, I have to admit that she had legs to spare. About fourteen. I counted fourteen.
But me and trouble have two things in common: We love a challenge, and we hate to be alone on Tuesdays.

Question 42: Ninja Sayings

So when you hear someone say, "You're the apple of my eye," what they really mean is, "You're a great short-term solution to an annoying problem."

Read between the lines--because sometimes, there's a ninja there.

Question 45: Ninja Omnitrois

There is nothing wrong with that pollution in London. That pollution is doing great. It's like a giant smoginja.
- In response to the question, "What is wrong with the pollution in London?"

I'd like to think that ninjas speak the international language of pain.
- In response to the question, "Can ninjas speak other languages?"

How come you're drinkier when I'm funny?
- In response to the question, "How come you're funnier when I'm drinking?"

I think if they were really ninjas, it would have been called Batman Ends!
- In response to the question, "What do you think about the ninjas in Batman Begins?

If it weren't for us, America would be called South Canada.
- In response to the question, "How have ninjas affected American History?"

Mythbustin' Out All Over

It's not that I don't trust him as a person, it's just I don't think he's a person.

I could do it right now, except that right now it's part of a move where I would be above both of you and I would pull out your brains.

Question 48: Ninja Recipes

If you have a weak stomach, or if most of the things you eat have "Mac" in front of them, you'd better change the channel. Because it's time for... Cooked to Death!

But the recipe that I'm going to give you today is just for a good, common disaster. Here's the basic ingredients you're going to need. You're going to need a cup of the idea of chaos, not chaos. Now you're going to need about a half-pound of sliced trouble, as thin as you can get it sliced. And about a half-pound of of sliced miscommunication. Now, you're also going to need one bearded man. Just any sized bearded man will do. Make sure that he's ripe.

You want to think about it like a very poisonous lasagna. With just a layer of trouble, a layer of miscommunication. A layer of trouble, and a layer of miscommunication.

Here's the ninja recipe for pain. Take any situation, add a ninja.

Question 49: Ninja Life Span

Most ninjas live until they die. Some a little bit longer, some a little bit shorter. It just really depends on how much metaphor they apply to the idea of life.

I'll put you in the middle of the nebberwet... or the... or the... what did you just say? (The Ninja's Grandpa)

You watch it! I'll talk to your internal organs! Better yet, I'll make your internal organs talk to each other. Make a little puppet show out of them. (The Ninja's Grandpa)

Why is nobody laughing? If the intertube audience was here, they'd be dying. (Grandpa)
- Not of laughter. (The Ninja)

You have to defy reality herself! And that reality, boy, she is one saucy bird! (Grandpa)

There's some advice for you. Don't go a-courtin' anybody whose very existence you question. (Grandpa)

And I will tell you right now, if you are facing down a camel-leopard, and you're trying to kill it with pantomime--boy, your space work better be pretty darn good. (Grandpa)

So to wrap things up, I think it's pretty safe to say that most ninjas live a little bit longer than you want them to. (The Ninja)

Question 59: OmniJeff

Question: Could you give us a brief lesson on Ninja history?
- Answer: Once upon a time, there were not ninjas. Now the world is a better place.

Question: Do ninjas sleepwalk?
- Answer: Yes, but you're the one who's sleeping, and we're the ones who are walking. We also sleep-strangle, sleep-stab, and sleep-poison.

Question: Do ninjas have to do paperwork?
- Answer: Sure. It's called Gorigami. I can make a paper shuriken, I can make a paper sword, I can make a paper grappling hook. There's an old saying that says if you can't kill it with paper, you cannot kill it with steel. Quote it.

Question: I was wondering, are there lolninjas?
- Answer: I CAN HAS DEATHBURGER?

Question: Hey Ninja, how would the last stand of the 300 Spartans have been if it was ninjas instead of spartans?
- Answer: A lot quicker, a lot more clothing, and with about two hundred and ninety-nine bored ninjas.

Question: I have to give a presentation next week...any ninja tips on presenting?
- Answer: Just make sure the pointy end is facing them. That is Power Point.

Question: Have you ever fought the wind?
- Answer: Why would I ever fight the wind? Do you have any idea what would happen if I broke the wind? It would stink for everybody.

Question: Brandon Lee, or Jeff Speakman?
- Answer: You know what? Given both of their conditions today, I'm still going to go with zombie Brandon Lee.

Question: How many ninjas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Answer: None. We're the ones who took the old light bulb out. Pretty scary, huh?

Question 76: Ninja vs. Crazy People

But I guess that I could see how to the non-trained, non-ninja STUPID HEAD, you might think that ninjas and crazy people have something in common.

Ninjas throw shurikens and spears. Crazy people throw tantrums and poop.

Ninjas know hundreds of deadly techniques. Crazy people know each ceiling tile in their room personally.

Ninjas train constantly to stay in peak physical form. Crazy people, however, make a conductor's hat out of a ham sandwich and drive a cafeteria tray around like it's a choo-choo train.

Ninjas battle for truth and honor. Crazy people battle a chair named Taco. Are you seeing the difference yet?

Ninjas will choose death before dishonor. That's just our thing. Crazy people will choose tapioca before Jell-o.

Ninjas can slow their heartbeat and their breathing to appear dead. Crazy people can count to bunny rabit using made-up numbers.

Uncatagorized

You asking me to stop moving around so much would be like me asking you to stop liking Britney Spears, even though she's a fatty right now.

A Sneakret is a really really sneaky secret.

If you try to speak them, the words will sneak out of your mouth and go hide somewhere in a county fair.

Quoternity