Auf Wiedersehen, Pet Quotations

Auf Wiedersehen, Pet is a popular British comedy-drama series about a group of seven British migrant construction workers: Wayne, Dennis, Oz, Bomber, Barry, Neville and Moxey, who are living and working on a German building site.

If I Were a Carpenter

Bomber: Bomber's ready. Bomber's away!

Oz: I'll tell you one thing, mate. Sex is in its infancy in Gateshead.

Oz: Yer kna what they say. Penguins, pelicans and the Inland Revenue have all got one thing in common.

Dennis: What's that?

Oz: They can all shove their bills up their arse.

Who Won the War Anyway?

Dennis: I've seen blokes like you come and go all the times I've worked in Germany. Never been out the UK before. Never eaten foreign food, never drank foreign beer. Fish out of water without the wife or the mother to lend a guiding hand. After a week they've lost their passports, they've got pissed, lost most of their money, and become ridiculously nationalistic for the country that can't even bloody employ them in the first place!

Oz: I lay bricks, (burp) that's what I do. It doesn't make any difference to me whether it's Dusseldorf or Darlington.

German worker: Excuse me. I have a question for you.

Oz: Oh aye. Want to see my papers do you?

German worker: If Germany is such no good place why don't you piss off back to England.

Home Thoughts From Abroad

Dennis: And another thing, get all them pornographic pictures off your locker.

Oz: That's not pornography Dennis that's art.

The Fugitive

Barry: I'm growing a beard.

Dennis: Aye, very good, Barry. I'll inform the press.

The Alien

Wayne: Hello, Herr Grunwald. Its not Monday already is it?

Grunwald: No, it is Sunday. And on Sunday I expect to be at home with my family.

Wayne: Kicked you out have they? Never mind, pull up a bed. We accept all sorts in here.

Oz: Aye nice darts Barry. One in the five, one in the four and one in the wall.

Magowan: This fight the other night. All I'd had was ten Pils, ... a couple of Schnapps, .. so it can't have been the drink.

Neville: He's [Magowan] gonna make all our lives a misery.

Oz: We'll he can't make yours much more of a one.

Love and Other Four Letter Words

Barry: What's it feel like, Wayne? Love, I mean, what's it like?

Wayne: Love is... sitting in a hut carving names into a plank of wood, and not feeling stupid about it.

The Return of the Seven: Part 1

Oz: You know the reason I left this country in the first place, divvn't you, eh? I'll tell you. In a word, Margaret bloody Thatcher, that's why. Because I'd had it, I was up to there with what she'd created. Bloody wasteland. Desolate. Nae joy, nae hope, nae nowt. Where kids get to 21 and have never done a day's work in their life. Honest men have to go out thieving to feed their families. Young bairns can buy heroin in the bike sheds at school. Oh, dear. But I thought, "Nah, nah, nah. It's got to be getting better. It cannae be as bad as what it was, can it?" I was willing to give you lot the benefit of the doubt on this one, you know. But no, no, no. What happens? What happens is I've been back on my native soil for fourteen minutes, and I'm subjected to this act of fascist intimidation! 'Cos that's what it is, you know! That's what it is, and I'll be writing to my MP about this!

Customs Officer: Spread.

Oz: What do you think you're going to find up there, eh? A new striker for Newcastle United?

A Home From Home

Barry: I...I...I've just seen a ghost, Moxey.

Moxey: BRENDAN! I've just seen a ghost, BRENDAN!

Moxey: Would it be alright like, if I took some drinks out to my kids?

Pringle: Yes, I don't see why not, as long as they don't break any glasses.

Moxey: Oh no, they're good kids.

Pringle: OK, so what'll it be? Coke? Orange juice?

Moxey: Five pints of bitter. They're growing lads.

Pringle: They must be. Tell me are you Irish by any chance?

Moxey: Yes, I am as a matter of fact. Brendan Mulcahy's the name.

Pringle: Well you can piss off, I don't serve Micks.

Cowboys

Oz: The rasta's drive about in BMWs, y'know, 'cause they think it stands for Bob Marley and the Wailers.

Oz: Y'know the difference between a hedgehog and a Range Rover, don't ya?

Dennis: No.

Oz: A hedgehog's got pricks on the outside.

Marjorie Doesn't Live Here Anymore

[telephone conversation]

Dennis: Barry? Where are you?

Barry: I've no idea, mate. It's taken me bloody half an hour to find a phone box that hasn't been vandalised.

Dennis: Oh, you're in Newcastle?

Law and Disorder

Wayne: Here, you don't happen to know the Norwegian for "Can I get into your knickers?"

Detective: If this weren't Spain, Albert Arthur Moxey, alias Brendan Mulcahy, arsonist and absconder - your arse would be well and truly nicked.

Bridging the Gap

[On finding Wayne didn't show up]

Oz: I'm amazed the rest of you turned up.

Moxey: We were hoping there was a will.

Oz: There was no Good about 'The Good Old Days' was there?

Oz: The Middlesborough Trasnporter Bridge. Designed by the Cleveland Bridge and Engineering Company of Darlington and opened, on October 17th 1911, by Prince Arthur of Connaught.

Dennis: What's our next stop? A guided tour of the Haverton Hill glue factory?

Oz: Now, as you can see, there's great tracts of land on both sides of the river just ripe for development. There's a big consortium already on the case, the only obstacle is this famous local landmark here. Now that's where we fit in, cos we're gonna pull it down and flog it for a fortune.

[When Oz says he's living sober]

Dennis: What, you don't touch the sauce?

Oz: Well, comparitively sober.

Neville: You mean your drinking's not harmfull to humanity anymore.

Neville: This whole area used to be pit villages, man; everyone worked for the colliery. You know what they do now?

Dennis: What?

Neville: All the men wear hair nets and pack airline meals. Everything's changed Dennis, deal with it.

Neville: But it’s monstrous, man!

Oz: Yes, it’s monstrous Neville, it gargantuan, it’s outrageous…that’s the point!

[The group see Jeffrey Granger for the first time on TV]

Dennis: So where'd you meet this wanker?

Oz: I was two'd-up with him in Durham Nick.

Moxey: I hear they do a good breakfast up there.

Neville: Realistically, how much is it going to cost us all?

Barry: Ten grand each. Plus change.

Moxey: I haven’t even got the plus change.

Dennis: Every Tuesday and Friday, I drive a drug dealer round the housing estates and the shopping centres. Why would I do that, eh? Because it's my biggest payday of the week. The rest of the time I work the Graveyard Shift, y'know? "Bigger tips at night" even though you've got to clean up after blow-jobs and drunks. If I had Ten Thousand Pounds, d'you think that would be my life?

[Oz punches drug dealer Tommy Rampton]

Bomber: I see the old Oz is still with us.

Oz: Well, he has to appear every once in a while Bomb, or else people might think I’m Cliff Richard.

Heavy Metal

Oz: Grainger's consortium put this job out to tender, high-tech civil engineering companies. Well, all them overehads: bringing in cranes from the continent and what-have-ya, the lowest quote they got was 2 million nicker.

Dennis: Well we're Way below that! Can we do it?

Oz: Yes, we can do it because We are lo-tech. We’re gonna pull it down the same way as they put it up 90 years ago...with pulleys and chains and sweat and toil….

Yorgo: Your friend…he thinks with his head.

Oz: Oh yes…and what does your friend think with? His bollocks?!!

Brenda: Now, what are the words we don't use?

Neville: I'm broke, I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm too old.

Brenda: Right.

Brenda: I fixed Debbie’s party, taken the back room at Guido’s, we can have a disco and everything.

Neville: That’s gonna cost, isn’t it?

Brenda: Hello….what were we just saying?!!

Neville: Fine, fine…champagne, limousines, ecstasy…whatever!

[The lads are having dinner at Oz's house. Oz is offering wine.]

Oz: Right, who's for a bit more Romanian Red?

Bomber: No thanks Oz, dodgy stomach.

Moxey: It's probably this wine. I'll be glad when I've had enough.

Neville : I’ve been seeing a shrink…funny thing is I could do it with her no problem.

Oz: Can you not think of her while you’re shagging Brenda?

Neville : Aww, I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned this.

Oz: Make a hell of a good way of getting your money out of a sex therapist.

[Barry snorts what he thinks is cocaine]

Barry: Aww, where do you get this stuff?

Tatiana: Boots. It’s my herbal laxative.

Barry: Bloody hell. I’ll have a runny nose for days.

Dennis: Why did you not bring it up with him?

Oz: How do you tell a man his wife is having it away with her brother?

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Oz: If this goes pear shaped, what am I going to do with a bridge?

[Moxey is told to lie low in the motel low for a while]

Dennis: It’s got a vending machine full of Mars Bars, Sky One, UK Gold – for somebody like you, that’s luxury!

Moxey: You’ve got a point there, Den.

Wyman: Does my skin bother you?!

Oz: Divvn’t be daft man, my team play in black and white, divvn’t they?! I’ve just got a thing about Cockneys.

[The lads are in the van driving to see Oz's son's show]

Wyman: I can usually suss I bloke’s musical tastes, me.

Oz: Haddaway and bollocks, you’ve only known me for five bloody minutes lad. There’s no way you can tell what I like to listen to.

Neville: No, alright have a go!

Wyman: Ok, I will, alright alright…Early Stones, The Clash, Clapton, and a sprinkling of C and W.

All: [Jeers]

Dennis: Ha ha, not far off the mark there!

Oz: He’s been in my gaffe, he’s been right through my CDs!

Wyman: No I haven’t mate, no I haven’t. Alright then - Dennis.

Dennis: Aye, go on then.

Wyman: Otis Redding, Aretha

Oz: Aretha?

Wyman: Aretha, Marvin Gaye…and you’ve got a soft spot for Rod Stewart, but only when you’re at the karaoke pissed!

Dennis: Aye, I can’t argue with that young‘an!

Bomber: What about me?

Wyman: Easy, you’re easy. Abba and Acker Bilk.

Dennis: What about Neville?

Wyman: Morose music I reckon.

Neville: Get away!

Wyman: Yeah, morose music…The Smiths, The Cult, Depeche Mode…music to slit your wrist by!

Neville: That’s not me at all!

Oz: No, nooo…these days Neville likes to watch Destiny’s Child videos!

[In Rod’s dressing room following his Dusty Springfield performance]

Oz: That's all it is though - an act? It doesn't mean to say that you're...

Rod: Gay?

Oz: Yeah, it doesn’t mean to say that you’re gay.

Rod: I am gay.

Oz: Hells Bollocks. Well is it permanent?

[The lads are in the van driving home, Oz in a touchy mood]

Oz: He's not gay. He thinks he is, but he's not.

Neville: Well, it’s just like exhibitionism, isn’t it? Like a cry for attention.

Oz: Exactly.

Bomber: Would it matter if he was?

Oz: Well it would to me!

Wyman: Well even if he is…

Oz: He’s not! He can’t be! There's never been a huckle in the Osbourne family and we can trace our lineage all the way back to the Second World War. Now, end of subject. Right?

All: Right, aye.

Neville: Of course.

Oz: It's always been the tunnel, not the funnel.

[Oz meets Jeffrey's assistant in her hotel]

Oz: Well I suppose we could have a bite, I’ve got my tie on so I can get past Saddam Hussein on the door there.

Sarah: We could...not fussed...[leans over the table]...we could just have a couple of drinks...and go to bed.

Oz: (jaw drops) Could we have another bowl of twiglets first?

[Oz tries to accept his son’s sexuality]

Oz: I was just flabbergasted, that’s all you know, I mean I’ve got nothing against gays son. It’s just that, well, I was brought up to believe that dickie-up-the-chufter is abnormal and vile. Ah, that came out wrong didn’t it…shite…sorry again.

[Rod deals with a couple of thugs after the last show]

Oz: Canny left hook, son!

Rod: Aye. Not bad for a poofter, eh?

A Bridge Too Far

[A Red Indian arrives to buy the bridge after Oz put it up for sale on the Internet…]

Joe: My grandson saw it. He’s always on a computer.

Moxey: Unbelievable! I mean, where do you plug in a computer in a wigwam?

Dennis: Moxey.

Moxey: Yeah?

Dennis: Shut up!

Bomber: I did hear right, did I? I thought I heard the word ‘million’!

All: Yeah!

Dennis: You did aye. Mind you, we’ll have to take into account transportation and erection costs.

Neville: I’m getting an erection just thinking about it!

Oz: Better get it home to Brenda A.S.A.P.!

[Kadi and Tatiana discuss Barry’s suspicions (speaking Russian)]

Tatiana: If he goes to the police…

Kadi: Maybe we should kill him. Then you get the house, the business…everything…

Tatiana: Kill him? How?

Kadi: Make it look like an accident…a car goes off the road…

Tatiana: Not the Bentley!

[Jeffrey on the phone to Sarah, unaware Oz is there with her]

Sarah: Anyway, I don’t know the numbers, but they’re going to make you an offer.

Jeffrey: Ah!

[Oz gestures a back-hander]

Sarah: Oz did say if you were a bungable person..

Jeffrey: Vulnerable?

Sarah: No, bungable, from the verb to bung, to offer an illegal or illicit payment.

Jeffrey: Yes yes I’m with you, I’m pissed off he seems I can consider it. Cash was it?

[The lads argue over their next move]

Oz: Hold on, excuse me, but the facts are these. I conjured up that Red Indian oot of cyberspace and I’ve got Grangier primed and ready to jump, yes?

Barry: I think we should all calm down, alright. I’ve always found in business there’s a very fine line between altruism and self-interest. So why don’t we all sleep on it, eh?

Oz: (storming out) You sleep on it, you end up bastard and skint.

[Oz and Dennis are questioning Barry about the facts of his marriage]

Barry: Look, I’m getting very pissed off with the tone of this interrogation!

[Barry tells Tatiana he wants a divorce]

Tatiana: Barry, let’s talk about this alone, just you and me.

Moxey: No way kidda! Steal yourself, remember Godfather II…you know, when Diane Keaton begs Al Pacino not to lock her out of his life. And what did he do? Closed the bloody kitchen door on her!

Dennis: You know that dismantling sequence you showed us? What do you call it, you know, when it’s the other way round? You know, when you put the bridge back up again?

Calhoun: An erection sequence…[Moxey sniggers]…no jokes please, I’ve heard them all.

Dennis: Well could you do us one? We’ll pay you like.

Calhoun: What are yous up to?

Dennis: Nowt, nowt, nowt important.

Moxey: Nothing.

Calhoun: How would you be paying?

Moxey: Cash.

[Moxey throws a wad of notes to Calhoun]

Calhoun: Where did you get this?

Moxey: I sold my cello.

Another Country

[Back in a hut, Barry as miserable as sin]

Oz: Hey Barry, you know what? If this was Big Brother, you’d be the first one oot that door!

Barry: I should be so lucky..

D.I.: Who was he?

Mickey Startup: Goes by the name of Moxey. And he was working for those people who were pulling that bridge down in Middlesbrough.

D.I.: First name?

Mickey Startup: Never had one. Just Moxey. Like Moby. Or Mantovani.

[News comes through of Teddy Platt’s body being fished out of the Tees]

Moxey: Yous all think I’m a murderer?

Dennis: Oz doesn’t mean that. He’s just playing Devil’s Advocate.

Moxey: I’ve never hurt anyone in my life. I’ve just set fire to buildings. And I’ve always made sure they were empty…except that once. And I didn’t know the bloke had chickens!

[Barry on the phone to his attorney]

Attorney: I got the testimony back from the UK. It’s all good. Local cops confirm this guy Kadi’s a piece of work and spoke very highly of you…Inspector Colin Bishop…

Barry: Colin, yeah?

Attorney: Yeah, “No way you’re a bad guy, you’re just a radish who got rich.” I’m not familiar with the expression?

Barry: I’ve heard it before.

Attorney: Barry, you know I’m going to bat for you. We’ll speak Friday.

Barry: Bye.

Neville: What is it?

Bomber: Yeah, what?

Barry: I don’t believe it. Colin Bishop. I’ve known him for years. We’ve played golf together. He’s had dinner in my house on more than one occasion…and he calls me a radish!

Neville: Barry man!

Oz: We’re not bothered about that man!

Dennis: Barry man, what about the charges?!

Barry: What?

Dennis: What about the charges man?!

Barry: Oh you’ll probably be free and clear. I’m the one who’s going to fall on his sword…[angrily to Oz] ever since your funeral, my life’s been unravelling like a ball of knitting wool!

[Bomber acting out every word to the Medicine Man]

Bomber: I come from distant land. Faraway. Over great ocean. Fly through the sky, in big plane.

Medicine Man: Boeing 747?

[Oz forces Wyman to listen to Dire Straits]

Oz: Now isn’t that infinitely better than all that der-chicker-der shite you’re normally listening to?

Wyman: Yeah, I’ve got to admit, it’s growing on me.

Oz: That’s because it’s timeless kid. They’ll not be playing Atomic Kitten in 20 years time.

[Barry drunk in the bar]

Barry: You like the ladies don’t you Neville?

Neville: No more than most.

Barry: Awww, I think you do, nothing wrong with that, the trouble is as you get older you become horribly aware of all the young flesh will never be yours. I mean, when you’re young anything’s possible innit? Anything? But when you get to our age, you know you’re never going to bonk Buffy The Vampire Slayer

[Oz, Dennis and Neville stop off at the Chicken Ranch on the way to Las Vegas]

Neville: You an’ all?

Dennis: Well why not man? We’ve worked our nuts off for three months. Anyway, it’s a tourist attraction in the state.

Oz: Aye, that’s right. People come here for a flutter and a show and a shag. I mean if you went to Venice you’d ride a gondola wouldn’t yer?!

[Neville revisits the Chicken_Ranch to pick up his mobile, while Dennis ends a call off Bomber in the car]

Oz: That’s Neville’s phone…

Dennis: So?

Oz: He didn’t forget it.

Dennis: Oh God…

Dennis & Oz: He’s in love with a tart!

An Inspector Calls

[Oz finds Wyman concussed]

Oz: [holding four fingers up] How many fingers?

Wyman: Three.

Oz: Three, Mmmher, near enough.

[DEA interview room, Barry takes a polygraph test]

DEA officer: You were born in Birming-Ham.

Barry: Birmingham! We say, yes!

DEA officer: Ever taken drugs, Mr. Taylor?

Barry: No...[lie detector responds strongly]...well er, could I qualify that? Erm, when I say no, I mean I I I I, I have had the occasional line of Charlie during a party, you know, and erm, but churr, er, well, haven’t we all? [chuckles]. Oh yes and there was, I did er have a toke on a spliff at the Reading Rock Festival, but I’d hardly say I was a regular user.

DEA officer: Yes or no?

Barry: [dejectedly] Yes.

[Dennis makes an offer to Jeffrey who has stolen part of the bridge]

Jeffrey: No, you’ll have to do better than this. I am, after all, the hand that rocks the cradle.

[Oz and Moxey are messing about on a bike, Barry stressed about his polygraph test]

Moxey: Some exercise wouldn’t do you any harm.

Barry: You wouldn’t get me on a bike, that’s the last form of exercise I’d take. Cycling damages your sexual organs.

Oz: Bollocks!

Barry: Precisely, no I read this research report. Right, they use ultrasound scans to examine the testicles of 45 mountain bikers and they compared them with 39 sets of testicles of non-riders, and all but two of the cyclists had scrrrrotal abnormalities.

Moxey: He knows a lot of stuff, Barry.

Oz: Aye, all of it useless. [Moxey and Oz simultaneously feel their testicles]

Jeffrey: They tried to get one over me...don’t like that – there’s a principle involved.

Sarah: You don’t have any principles Jeffrey, you’re a conceited narcissistic phoney and a total shit.

Jeffrey: I’m going to fire you for that comment.

Sarah: I’ve already quit.

Oz: We’re gonna set a honey-trap lads, get Granger in a sexually compromising position.

Bomber: How are we going to do that?

Oz: Well, Nev’s got a fantastic in at the brothel hasn’t he, he’s almost got a season ticket doon there... so we’ll get his lass, Kelly-Anne, to set it up, right, get Granger in a bubble bath with two or three tarts doing unspeakables to ‘em...

Neville: Every chance you get, you drag her into the conversation, don’t yer, just so you can slag her off, why don’t you keep your face out of my life! [storms out]

Oz: Well I still think it’s a canny idea!

[Moxey finds out he’s in the clear]

Moxey: What about the Liverpool Police?

D.I. Hateley: They love you!

Moxey: You what?!

D.I. Hateley: You gave all that stuff that nailed Mickey Startup.

Moxey: Oh that’s great. Oh, that is a relief. And they can’t prove I took any cash....which I didn’t! Well, I might have...but it all went to a good cause!

Britannia Waives the Rules

[In a meeting at the O.E.D.]

Colin Vanes: Well there’s no question mark over your experience, but the nature of who we are and what we do means that we go into extensive background vetting.

Dennis: And what does that entail?

Colin Vanes: Well we have to be sure that our people are never in a position where they can be compromised or blackmailed, so we’re extremely thorough on security clearances.

[Dennis looks at Oz]

Oz: Well, er, you’re gonna find this out sooner or later so you might as well know it up front like.

Colin Vanes: And what’s that Mr. Osbourne?

Oz: I’ve got a son what’s a puff.

[Leaving the OED]

Dennis: I thought you were gonna tell him you’ve been inside man?!!

Oz: Why would I bring that up?

[Neville signs the Official Secrets Act]

Neville: Do I need any special training or anything?

Heather Lane: Neville, you’re not Pierce Brosnan

[Tatiana and Barry reunited in Russia]

Tatiana: You look like shit, Barry

Barry: Yes well I’ve been held against my will and interrogated with all the mental anguish that implies…you look rather fetching.

[Moxey - on the run again - is picked up by Oz]

Oz: What’s the panic? I was in the middle of a dump when you called.

[Barry confides in his psychiatrist]

Barry: My mind was a whirlwind of conflicting emotions…just seeing her there…confusion, anger, regret, bitterness, and I have to admit, yes there were sexual stirrings; she was wearing these skintight boots that came just below the knee, miniskirt, and there was a flash of thigh in evidence. The perfume…Issey Miyake, I should know, I bought her gallons of it! You see I’ve missed our sessions being in Russia. I’ve felt naked because I’d lost the tools, the coping tools to help me. I know you’re going to say that I was retreating back into my co-dependency tendencies. It’s true, I just wanted to take her in my arms and forgive her and buy her something nice from Versace.

Heather Lane: It’s Heather. Double-O Geordie’s becoming a pain in the arse.

[Oz jumps on a plane after being refused to join the team]

Purser: Mr. Osbourne

Oz: Yes.

Purser: I wonder if you could follow me. Bring your personal effects.

Oz: Upgrade is it?

Purser: If you’d just come with these gentlemen.

Oz: What’s up like? I’ve not been smokin’ in yer bog. I didn’t check a bag on so you couldn’t of found a bomb in it.

Purser: We don’t want to alarm the other passengers, do we Sir?

Oz: Well I’m not a bloody terrorist. My name’s Osbourne not Osama.

Suit: Don’t make us use force, Sir.

Oz: Force? I’ll show you a bit of force, son.

[Oz elbows Suit in nose, as passengers gasp in horror]

Purser: You made the list, Mr. Osbourne.

Oz: What bloody list? The 10 most wanted?

Purser: The O.E.D.

Oz: With my mates?

Purser: You’re going to Cuba.

Oz: Aww. Well why didn’t you say so. Sorry pal. Well, bugger Bangkok. Ha’way Havana!

Oz: All I know Den, is that when you had a choice of either knocking this job back or cutting me adrift, you were “thinking it over”?

Dennis: Is this going in your grudge bank Oz, because I’m your oldest friend?

Oz: That’s why I didn’t expect it Den.

A Gift from Fidel

Moxey: Well who do you miss?

Oz: Well me son for one. I missed a lot of him growing up. Fortunately that included the moment he started putting his key in the back door, so to speak.

Oz: You had no right to lumber us with this!

Dennis: I’m not trying to score brownie points with the Embassy, it’s all part and parcel of the job, right?! Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. And some days we pick up bloody bath tubs!

[On the journey to pick up the bath]

Moxey: Right! Let’s play Road Kill Cricket!

Bomber: How’s that work?

Moxey: Anything dead your side of the road you score runs, anything their side they do!

Neville: How do you mean runs?

Moxey: One for each leg: a dead chicken’s worth two, that goat would have been four if we’d started.

Wyman: So a centipede’s a ton, right?

Moxey: No insects! You’re being silly now Wyman.

Wyman: Oh, forgive me.

Oz: What about a snake?

Moxey: That’s a tricky one Oz, it doesn’t have any legs but it is an animal so it should qualify…

[The road back to Havana is blocked by a broken down hearse]

Oz: Well the stiff’s on this side of the road so that’s two runs to us, yes?

Moxey: True!

[The guys are obliged to help with the coffin]

Wyman: It weighs a ton!

Bomber: We’ll have to help them offload it at the other end.

Oz: What now we’re bloody pallbearers!

Moxey: Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. Some days we cart Cuban coffins. All part and parcel, Den says.

Dennis: Moxey!

Moxey: What?

Dennis: Bollocks!

[Barry guards the bath and is approached by two local kids]

Barry: I know what you're thinking... what's this Gringo doing sitting in a bath, next to a hearse, in the middle of nowhere, reading Hemingway? Well I'd ask the same question if I was in your shoes... that's if you had any.

[Barry is approached by three local men]

Barry: Buenos dias!

Local: [in Spanish] What's this Gringo doing sitting in a bath, next to a hearse, in the middle of nowhere, reading Hemingway?

Barry: Hemingway, si, Ernest, yes. Yes it’s a good book actually, er it’s set here, do you know it? Ah, erm, hablo Anglais? ...no oh that’s a pity, only my Spanio is a bit poko, a bit inadequate actually…yeah….Now don’t you go getting any ideas about this will you gentlemen, it’s el bath Fidel Castro, presenté pour Anglais ambassadoro. So if you’re thinking of nicking it you’re gonna end up in very hot water actually, oh yes, mucho caliente agua. Haha. [guys move forward] Oh shit…

[Neville’s first mission]

Neville: How am I supposed to get to know him?! He’s not gay is he?

Tarquin: No no, staright as a tent pole. He likes girls, bars, technopop. Annnd he’s passionate about Manchester United. Apparently several million Chinese are.

Neville: How’s that supposed to help?

Tarquin: You’re a footballer.

Neville: Not Man U I’m not!

Tarquin: You are now.

Neville: Aww no, no, ha’way, forget it. I’m from Newcastle man! That’s like asking me to change us religion!

Tarquin: Small price to pay for Queen and country. Here you might need this. [hands Neville a United shirt printed with Giggs]

Moonlighting

Barry: You’ve got it bad, haven’t you?

Oz: Aye, aye, I’ve never known nowt like this before. When I see her, I get all tongue-tied. Me! Shivers doon me neck and sweaty palms.

Barry: Well these symptoms you describe could be one of two things: it’s either that Mongolian flu that was going around last year...orrrr...you’re in love.

Oz: Well, let’s hope it’s the flu, eh? you can get a jab for that.

Neville: Look I’ve gotta go. You’ll be okay will you?

Dennis: Me, aye, I’m just gonna have a night in front of the telly. If we had a telly.

[Neville reveals his Man United shirt]

Neville: Forgive me Sir Bobby, for I have sinned.

Dennis: Where’s everybody else?

Wyman: I dunno, they went off somewhere.

Dennis: There seems to be a concerted effort around here to avoid me, eh, I’m not middle-management you know!

Wyman: Not from me, Den! I’d go out with you in a flash, only Tina’s got nicer knockers.

Barry: I went to a séance in Edgbaston once. I tried to contact my Granny.

Dennis: Why?

Barry: Well we wanted to find out where she’d left the key to this old trunk in the attic. Cor blimey, I couldn’t get out there quick enough mate, teacups and saucers flying all over the place. I drove into a concrete litter bin on the home.

[Neville gets talking to his oriental buddies]

Michael: Hey, where were you that night?

Neville: What night?

Michael: That night!

Michael’s friend: The night! The night!

Neville: That night?! Oh, what a night!

Girl: What happened that night?

Michael: We beat Bayern Munich in Barcelona!

Neville: Ayeeeee, the two jammy goals in stoppage time

Michael: Jammy? I don’t know that word

Neville: It means brilliant.

Michael: Oh right okay! We win the triple. It was a jammy evening, the climax of a jammy season! Ah, salut!

All: Salut!

[Barry drives the lads home after the evening with the cult]

Barry: I love the traffic lights here. I love the way they sparkle and glitter like a kaleidoscope of colours.

Oz: There’s no traffic lights in this street, Barry.

Barry: Yes there are! Green, gold, turquoise, blue, I love the butterflies too!

Bomber: There’s no ruddy butterflies!

Barry: There’s millions of them! There wings sparkling with innerdescence.

Oz: Wait a minute, did you eat anything back there? Awwww, his trippin’, his trippin’!

Barry: Aw look, there’s one settled on my nose!

Oz: Give us the wheel! Give us the wheel!!

Dangerous Liaisons

Tarquin: Call him, tell him you’ll drop round his flat for drinks. Put these in his Vodka Martini.

Neville: What will they do?!

Tarquin: Put him to sleep. It’s a date rape drug. He’ll be out for a couple of hours.

Neville: And then what?!

Tarquin: Find the package. You take it to the door of the apartment building, Felipe will be there to make a copy. You take the original back to the flat, wait for him to wake up, and then go out and get drunk or laid...or whatever the pair of you do.

Neville: At home on a Sunday night, Brenda orders in a pizza and we watch Songs of Praise.

[Chrissie visits Barry in jail]

Chrissie: Hello Barry. The boys have told me so much about you. Now, you’re in their thoughts and it’s only a question of time. I brought a few things the stewards on the boat put together, some salami, couple of tins of sardines, some Parma Ham, figs, a few tangerines, and a nice piece of cheese. ....Oh no don’t worry about the guards, I brought a few items for them and a whole carton of Marlborough, so they’re squared anyway. Now I know you’re going through hell Barry, but you’re not alone and you’re not forgotten, and when I leave this island, a whole lot more people will know about you including The Red Cross and Amnesty International.

Barry: Who are you?

[Chrissie and Dennis get it on]

Chrissie: Were the lads taking bets....on whether this would happen?

Dennis: Course not! Well probably,

Chrissie: And what odds did you give yourself?

Dennis: Well whatever they were, they’ve just narrowed.

The End of the Affair

[Neville realises he’s been used by Tarquin]

Neville: I used to think that life was simple, get up, go to work, make a few modest gains for your family, you knew who you were, who you’re friends were. Life’s not like that, is it? It’s complex and devious.

[Oz plans to take Ofelia back to England]

Bomber: Well saying you do get her back to the North-East, well how do you think that will work then?

Oz: What do you mean?

Bomber: Well it’s a bit of a culture shock isn’t it?

Oz: Oh, I’ll adjust quick enough man!

Dennis: Seriously man, look at all these South American football players, they’ve signed for the Premier League and one minute it’s sunshine and samba, next minute...it’s Middlesbrough!

[Ofelia wants to rebel]

Ofelia: Yes I can! These stupid people telling me who I can’t be with!

Oz: You’ve got some bollocks pet, I’ll give you that. When you’re up on that stage you know, dancing, you look so...fragile. But really, you’re made out of tungsten.

Ofelia: Que?!

[Oz realises the plan was a bit reckless]

Oz: Well can’t expect the lassie just to up sticks like that man, even if the ultimate prize is Newcastle.

[Wyman finds out the plan was Chrissie’s idea]

Wyman: Why didn’t you talk her out of it?

Dennis: Well she didn’t tell us at 4 o’clock in the morning!

Wyman: Oh right, during the wild night of passion, yeah?

Dennis: Look, it was a personal, private moment between two adult people! Alright?!

Oz: Fair enough. But I’d be hacked off if you shagged my mother.

[Oz visits Barry in jail]

Barry: Good to see you mate.

Oz: Blimey. How are you?

Barry: I feel like shit. Look like it too, don’t I?

Oz: Weellll....aye, you do like.

Dennis: You finish with Ofelia, he comes out the nick, and her brothers got friends in high places, I am connecting the right dots?

Oz: Didn’t have a choice man Den, not after I saw him in that shithole.

Dennis: It’s a hell of a price to pay, man.

Oz: I’ll put it down to experience, eh. That’s what you get, when you don’t get what you want.

[The lads finally interrogate Neville and force him to tell his secret]

Wyman: Bloody hell! Neville the spy!

Neville: I’ve hated every minute of it, lying to all of you, lying to my wife. I’m not even very good at it. I had to doctor a bloke’s drink one night. You know, knock out drops.

Moxey: Go ay!

Oz: Hells teeth, That’s bloody hardcore!

Neville: I drank it myself!

[Everyone chuckles to themselves]

Dennis: Sorry.

Neville: I’m glad this has happened really, it’s been a terrible strain. I’m really glad you did this, really. Thanks.

[Neville breaks down in tears]

Bomber: Let it all come out Neville, don’t hold anything back.

Barry: I think this is where we should all hug.

Oz: Dear me, you look like you’re bloody sopranos.

Moxey: Big relief though, ey?

Neville: Yeah.

Moxey: I bet you feel like you’ve just passed a bowling ball.

Quoternity