Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery Quotations

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery is a 1997 film about a 1960's hipster secret agent who is brought out of cryofreeze to oppose his greatest enemy in the 1990's where his social attitudes are glaringly out of place.

Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Mike Myers.

Austin Powers

My God, Vanessa's got a fantastic body. I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell her that, because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner-monologue? [beat] I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

Allow myself to introduce...myself. My name is Richie Cunningham and this is my wife, Oprah.

Austin Powers. Danger's my'middle name.

Groovy, baby!

Let me ask you a question--and be honest. (activates a spinning bed) Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah!

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?

How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails, whore's bath? Personally before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father.

Jimi Hendrix, deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin, deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass, deceased, ham sandwich.

I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working. [taps crotch] Hello? Are you awake?

That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!

Well, no offense, but if that is a woman, it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!

[about Alotta Fagina] She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.

[Filling out a form] Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes, please!

[Entering the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club] This is my happening and it freaks me out!

Au contraire, baby, you can't resist me.

That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!

Do I make you horny? Do I make you randy, baby, yeah, do I?

[to Vanessa] I think you're shagedelic, baby! You're switched on! You're smashing! You're a bit of alright!

It's freedom, baby, yeah!

Smashing, baby!

[Vanessa catches Austin in his underwear] Wait, Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jumblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding, that thing, and then I'm in my knickers here and-- [exhales]

Pardon me for being rude. It was not me, it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.

It's time to swing, baby.

[Austin tries to resist to Fembots] Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers. [One of the fembots stands over him and opens her legs] Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

[Austin Powers sees a man sitting in the corner of the restroom] Excuse me, but you didn't happen to see-- [Austin looks at the man and sees that he is blind] --anything at all?

[Austin is being choked out by Random Task; Vanessa tosses him the penis pump] Honestly, it's not mine!

[After watching an informational video to catch up with the times] And I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming, no!

Doctor Evil

Dr. Evil! I didn't spend 6 years in Evil Medical School to be called "Mister", thank you very much.

Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?!

[to Scott] One more peep out of you and you're grounded, Mister! And I am not joking.

Throw me a frickin' bone here!

The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with a low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloë with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds--pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Wilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking--I suggest you try it.

Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.

That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil gets angry Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people die!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.

I like to see girls of that...caliber. [pause] By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters. Two meanings caliber. It's a homonym. Forget it.

Finally, we come to my number-two man. His name: Number Two.

There's nothing quite as pathetic as an aging hipster.

We get the warhead, and we hold the world ransome for... $1,000,000.

I had the group liquidated, you little shit. They were insolent.

[in his frozen chamber at the end of the film] I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.

Dialogue

Computer voice: Evacuation com--

[Austin continues to urinate; stops]

Computer voice: Evacuation com--

[Tinkle]

Computer voice: Com--

[Tinkle]

Computer voice: Com--

[Tinkle; slight pause]

Computer voice: Evacuation com--

[Austin continues urination; Basil looks on bewildered]

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen welcome to my underground lair. Its been 30 years but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan except one small flaw. Due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa complications arose in the unfreezing process.

Mustafa: My design was perfect.

Dr. Evil: Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth! [Mr. Bigglesworth is who was a Long-Haired Persian, is now a bald Sphinx cat]

Mustafa: But Dr. Evil we were unable to anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process-

Dr. Evil: Silence! [Presses a button and Mustafa's chair tilts back dropping him into a pit of fire] Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure. [Mustafa can be heard moaning from an air vent] Gentlemen, lets get down to business. [Mustafa's moans continue] We've got a lot of work to do.

Mustafa: Someone help me. I'm still alive only I'm very badly burned.

Dr. Evil: Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.

Mustafa: Hello out there. Anyone. Can someone call an ambulance, I'm in quite a lot of pain.

Dr. Evil: Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet [Mustafa starts again] - excuse me. [Dr. Evil picks up a phone and talks to a henchmen on the other line] Yes, he's down there.

Henchman: [almost inaudible] Is he dead yet?

Dr. Evil: No, not dead. Burnt, badly.

Henchman: Would you like me to take care of him, possibly with a gun?

Dr. Evil: Yes.

Henchman: Kill him?

Dr. Evil: Right. [hangs up the phone]

Mustafa: If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here I could get out. See I designed this device myself [a hatch is heard opening] - Oh, hi, good. I'm glad you found me, listen I'm very badly burned, so if you could just- [a gunshot fires] You shot me!

Dr. Evil: Okay, moving on-

Mustafa: You shot me right in the arm! Why would you- [another gunshot fires, all is silent for a moment, then the hatch is heard closing]

Dr. Evil: Right.

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. [Dr. Evil gives Mr. Bigglesworth to Random Task. Random Task accidentally grabs Dr. Evils arm as well, rolling him off screen. Dr. Evil rolls himself back on screen] It's called blackmail. As you know the Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce.

Number 2: (clears his throat) Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.

Dr. Evil: Right, okay people you have to tell me these things, all right. I've been frozen for 30 years okay. Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss. Need the info.

Dr. Evil: Okay, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60s, I developed a weather changing machine, which was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a (uses air quotes) "laser". Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective hole around the world, which we call the (further air qoutes) "ozone layer." Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer, that is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom. (puts pinky to mouth smugly)

Number 2: (clears throat) That also already has happened.

Dr. Evil: Shit. (beat of silence) Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do, hi-jack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good.

Austin Powers: [Holding Scott hostage] It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care.

Scott Evil: But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.

Dr. Evil: I had the group liquidated, you little shit! They were insolent!

Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!

Dr. Evil: Oh, Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.

[Number 2 arrives with a black briefcase on his right hand, and a white suitcase with parts of a fembot on his other hand]

Dr. Evil: Ahh. Number 2, your timing is impeccable. Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away.

Number 2: [pointing a gun at Dr. Evil] No.

Dr. Evil: What?

Number 2: Dr. Evil, I spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire into a world class multi-national. I was going to have a cover story with Forbes. [Dr. Evil puts his hands up] But you, like an idiot, want to take over the world. And you don't realize there is no world anymore! It's only corporations!

Dr. Evil: [putting his hands down] Silence, Number Two!

Number 2: NO! [whimpers] I've had enough of you pushing me around! [to Austin Powers] Mr. Powers, I have a business proposition you might find very interesting. [sits down on a chair while Austin walks forward to the table in front of Number 2]

Dr. Evil: All right, I've had enough of this. [pushes the button that causes Number Two's chair to tilt back and drop him into the pit of fire]

Alotta Fagina: Care for some sake?

Austin Powers: Sake it to me baby!

Dr. Evil: Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.

[Guard starts dipping mechanism]

Dr. Evil: Close the tank!

Scott: Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away.

Dr. Evil: No-no-no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?

Scott: I have a gun in my room. You give me 5 seconds, I'll get it. I'll come back down here, BOOM! I'll blow their brains out!

Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.

Scott: It's no hassle--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: But--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: I'm--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: All I'm say--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: They're gonna get a--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: I'm--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: I'm just--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: Would--

Dr. Evil: Knock-knock.

Scott: Who's there?

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: But--

Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named SHH! SHH! Even before you start, that was a pre-emptive "shh!" Just know that I have a whole bag of "shh!" with your name on it.

Vanessa: OW!! Mr. Powers! I will never have sex with you. Ever. If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depends on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.

Austin: What's your point, Vanessa?

Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!

Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?

Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy...cat.

Quartermaster Clerk: [Returns Austin's personal effects after the reanimation process] One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.

Austin: [To Vanessa, frantically] That's not mine.

Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger, signed by Austin Powers.

Austin: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine!

Clerk: [Beginning to get annoyed over the monotony] One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.

Austin: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!

Clerk: One book, "Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby)", by Austin Powers.

Austin: [Gaping] Ah.

Clerk: Just sign the form.

Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.

Scott: What, are you feedin' him? Why don't you just kill him?

Dr. Evil: No, Scott, I have a better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.

Scott: Why don't you shoot him now? I mean, come on, I'll go get a gun. We'll shoot 'im together. It'll be fun. BANG! Dead. Done.

Dr. Evil: One more peep out of you and you are grounded, mister! And I am not joking!

Scott: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.

Dr. Evil: An evil vet?

Scott: No. Maybe like work in a petting zoo.

Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?

Scott: You always do that!

Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.

Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.

Fembots (one by one): You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.

Austin: Au contraire, baby. I think that you can't resist me.

[Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated by the sea bass]

Austin: Not a good time to lose one's "head".

Vanessa: Indeed.

Austin: That's not the way to get "ahead" in life.

Vanessa: No.

Austin: It's a shame he wasn't more "headstrong".

Vanessa: Hmm.

Austin: He'll never be the "head" of a major corporation.

Vanessa: Okay, that'll do.

Austin: Okay.

Vanessa: That's you in a nutshell.

Austin: No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"

Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?

Number Two: Sea bass.

Dr. Evil: [Unconvinced] Right.

Number Two: They are mutated sea bass.

Dr. Evil: Really? Are they ill tempered?

Number Two: Absolutely.

Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.

Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second.

Austin Powers: Or sometimes not at all.

Basil Exposition: A lot's happened since you've been frozen. The Cold War's over!

Austin Powers: All right! Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?

Basil Exposition: Austin, we won.

Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!

Austin Powers: Hey! There you are!

Tourist: Hi. Do I know you?

Austin Powers: No, but that's where you are! You're there!

Austin Powers: What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?

Number Two: That's my business. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go to the little boys' room.

Cowboy: Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister. Are you in the show?

Austin Powers: No, actually, I'm English.

Cowboy: Oh. I'm sorry.

Number Two: My name is Number Two and this is Alotta Fagina.

Austin Powers: Come again?

Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina.

Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of, um...never mind.

Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?

Dr. Evil: Oh sure.

Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years we got a little impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.

Dr. Evil: My son?

Frau Farbissina: Ja. Scott!

[Scott enters]

Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott.

Scott Evil: Hi.

Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr Evil.

Scott Evil: I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and expect a relationship? (Scoffs) I hate you. [Dr. Evil approaches Scott] What?

Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?

Scott Evil: No.

Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.

Scott Evil: No way.

Dr. Evil: Come here.

Scott Evil: I'm not coming over there.

Dr. Evil: Let's go.

Scott Evil: Forget it.

Dr. Evil: Pronto.

Scott Evil: What are you doing?

Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. [Vocalizes weirdly while he dances the Macarena] Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein, give your father a hug.

Scott Evil: No. You're crazy.

Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug.

Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!

Casino Dealer: 17.

Number Two: [Scanns the deck with his X-ray eye patch] Hit me.

Casino Dealer: You have 17, sir.

Number Two: I like to live dangerously.

Casino Dealer: [Hit for four] 21. Very good, sir.

Casino Dealer: [To Austin] 5.

Austin Powers: [Waves his hands over his cards] I'll stay.

Casino Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.

Austin Powers: I also like to live dangerously.

Casino Dealer: [Flips his cards over] 20 beats your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Austin Powers: Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.

Austin Powers: [Austin is drowning Patty O'Brien in the toilet] Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?

Cowboy: Yeah, that's right buddy! You show that turd who's boss.

Austin Powers: [Shouting] Who are these people?!

Basil Exposition: The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing.

Austin Powers: Yes. I'm having difficulty controlling the volume of my voice!

Alotta Fagina: How dare you break wind before me?

Austin Powers: I'm sorry I didn't realize it was your turn.

Vanessa Kensington: [Referring to events Austin missed over the past thirty years] Thirty years of political and social upheaval. The fall of the Berlin Wall, a female Prime Minister of England, the abolishment of apartheid, a fascinating tapestry of human strum and drang.

Austin Powers: Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. Women loved him, man. I didn't see that one coming.

Dr. Evil: Scotty, Don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?

Scott: [under his breath] Blow me.

Dr. Evil: What did you say?

Scott: [louder] Show me.

Patty O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms. [Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina laugh] What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are after me lucky charms! What?

Frau Farbissina: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of marshmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh, this is candy, I'm having fun!"

Taglines

If he were any cooler, he'd still be frozen, baby!

Frozen in the 60's... thawing spring '97, baby!

Debonair. Defiant. Defrosted.

Cast

Mike Myers - Austin Powers/Dr. Evil
Elizabeth Hurley - Vanessa Kensington
Michael York - Basil Exposition
Mimi Rogers - Mrs. Kensington
Robert Wagner - Number Two
Seth Green - Scott Evil
Fabiana Udenio - Alotta Fagina
Mindy Sterling - Frau Farbissina
Paul Dillon - Patty O'Brien
Charles Napier - Commander Gilmour
Will Ferrell - Mustafa

Quoternity