Austin Powers in Goldmember Quotations

Austin Powers in Goldmember is a 2002 film in which Austin Powers, upon learning that his father has been kidnapped, must travel to 1975 and defeat the aptly-named villain Goldmember - who is working with Dr. Evil.

Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers.

He's still evil... He's still deadly... and he's still surrounded by frickin' idiots!taglines

Austin Powers

Mo-o-o-o-le. Shat on a turtle poop bag of hamsters. pickle farking sharkle how to flip the bread crumb sharking shat baggerly shart on a shingle. shingleta

Nice to mole you--meet you! Nice to meet your mole! Don't say mole!... I said mole.

[After making Britney the fembot's head explode] Oops, I did it again i pooped in my pants it went down my leg and into my shoe o baby, baby. Yeah!

Very Shaggadelic baby, yeah!

What the--? Hey, hey stop that! Bad Mini-Me! No humping! [squirts water at Mini Me]

[Hanging from Dr. Evil's recently pulled down pants and sharts himself] Hey, Dr. Evil, I used to think you're crazy, but now I can see your nuts. Big brown crap stained nuts [To audience] A'thank you.

[after trying to convince Number 3 that he didn't need to talk about the mole] Mole! Bloody mole! We're not supposed to talk about the bloody mole but there's the bloody mole winking me in the face! I'm gonna chop it off and cut it up and make some guacamole! show me your horrible teeth crazy brittish bastard go back to england

[seeing Mini-Me with a knife (which he was using to open a letter)] Assassin! [kicks Mini-Me across the room]

[Walks in place] We're going to see the twins!!

Doctor Evil

I'm sorry, did you want some ice cream?

[after seeing Number 3's mole] A-buh.

Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to my new submarine lair. It's long and hard and full of seamen. [laughs, then realises no-one else is] No? Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub.

Yeah Goldmember, I don't speak freaky deaky Dutch. Okay, perv-boy?

(after Goldmember asking to paint Nigel Powers balls and weiner and pp Gold) How 'bout NO?! Ya crazy Dutch bastard!

Okay, it's getting crowded in here, so everybody out! Not you Scotty, not you Number 2, not you Frau, not you Goldmember, not you guys back there, not you henchman holding wrench, not you henchman arbitrarily turning knobs making it seem like you're doing something...[Turns and stares at Mini-me]

One billion, gajillion, fafillion... shabadylu...mil...shabady......uh, yen

[After seeing Scott balding] Whoa!

[After seeing that Mini-Me has switched sides] Mini-Me?

[After Nigel tells a flashback about himself] Very interesting, Mr. Powers. Of course, I will have to wait until I see all the facts. Daddy! [Hugs Nigel]

Foxxy Cleopatra

I'm Foxxy Cleopatra, and I'm a whole lotta woman!

[When hitting someone] Shazam!

8 years, and no phone call?! Nobody stands up Foxxy Cleopatra! Where have you been?!

Well, all I know is, mama only got a taste of honey. But she wanted the whole beehive.

Nigel Powers

Only a bloody Dutchman!

There's only two things I can't stand in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Nigel: Do you know who I am?

Henchman: [nods]

Nigel: Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?

Henchman: [nods again]

Nigel: I mean, look at you. You don't even have a name tag. You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down? Go on son.

[henchman falls down]

If you've got an issue, here's a tissue.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

[to Mini-Me about having a large penis] My word, you're a tripod!

Goldmember

I love g-o-o-o-ld! The look of it! The shmell of it! The tashte of it! The texture!

Hey, everybody! I'm from Holland! Isn't that veird?

[After key is lost] Luckily I keep a shpare.

Look everyone! My vinky vas a key!

Shmoke and a pancake? You know, flapjack and a shigarette? No, all right. Cigar and a waffle? No? Pipe and a crepe? No? Bong and a blintz? No? Then there is no pleasing you.

[Pulling a piece of skin off himself] Oh yesh, yesh, yesh, thish is a keeper!

May I preshent to you, the very sexual, the very toit, Austin Power's fahza!

I must shay, you look toit. Toit, like a tiger. I can tell by your toit pantsh.

And that'sh the vay, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! [mutters] KC and the Sunshine Band.

And that, for you, ish bad newsh bearsh! [mutters] Walter Matthau.

[to Dr. Evil] Yesh! Yesh! You look like a macho man! [mutters] Village People.

[last words]Fahza, Fahza, Fahza, Fazha, Fazha can you hear me... Fazha, Fazha!!

He-hey, ashholes, do I have a last time for a shmoke and a pancake or what? [eats a piece of skin]

Fat Bastard

It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh-heh-heh. Let's have a smell all right? Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Ooh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! All right, analysis. Smells like carrots in throw-up! Ooh, that could gag a maggot! I smell like hot sick ass on a dead carcass! Even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!

[Hanging from a wire] Isn't this magical, one of my wires broke.

But I had to shed some extra skin.

But unfortunately my neck looks like a vagina

[Commenting on his loose skin after going on the "Subway diet"] And my neck does kinda look like a vagina.

Aw, Jesus Christ! This diaper's making my nuts rub together! It's gonna start a fire!

[Holding sumo opponent's crotch] You know what my favorite Helen Hunt movie is? Twister! [Twists hand]

Are we done here? I've got to take a crap.

[Looking down at the toilet]What the--I didn't have any corn!

I hope my wire fighting team is ready-y-y!

Maaybee!

Hey daiper lady! Heres my diaper. he he he. i think i might've pinched one off too soon. [he sniffs it] Oh aye, I left a rosebud in there for yer.

Others

Tom Cruise: Yeah, baby!

Steven Spielberg: (When Austin says he should change the opening credits) Yeah, well (Holds up an Oscar) my friend here - thinks it's fine the way it is.

Dialogue

(Deleted scene in Infinifilm edition)

Dr. Evil: Goldmember, I have an anagram for you: "i fit iron dick."

Goldmember: Yes. "i fit iron dick." Yes, it's an anagram, so it's a jumble word. Okay, jumbling, jumbling... Carry the 7... Divided by... Yes. (Gives up.)

Dr. Evil: Yeah, can't get it? "i fit iron dick," "frickin' idiot." (Starts spelling it to the tune to Old McDonald Had a Farm) "f-r-i-c-k-i-n', i-d-i-o-t. With a frick-frick here and a frick-frick there, here a frick, there a frick, everywhere a frick-frick. Dr. Evil had a suuu-ubbb... filled with... frick-in idiots.

Austin Powers: Mr. Roboto is lying to us.

Foxxy Cleopatra: Tell me something I don't know.

Austin Powers: I open-mouth kissed a horse once.

Foxxy Cleopatra: Say what?

Austin Powers: That's something you don't know.

Dr. Evil: Lower the globe.

Frau: (screeching) Lower the globe! [Goldmember flinches, the globe falls onto Dr. Evil's head]

Dr. Evil: Oww! Ow!

Goldmember: Scheiße!

Dr. Evil: Well, congratulations, numb-nuts! You've succeeded in turning me into a frickin'g jack-in-the-box! Get it off! Get it off! It's dark, it's dark! [Number 2 pulls the globe off Dr. Evil's head.] Okay! I'm okay. [Goldmember chuckles] Release the meteor.

Frau: (screeching) Release the meteor! [Mini-me swings a gold meteor model into Dr. Evil's groin]

Dr. Evil: (falls over) Ohh! Oh! Ohh, ohh, no way!

Goldmember: Right in the kuhinky!

Dr. Evil: God damn it! Oh! Guys! [to Mini-me who shrugs afterwards] Way to go, a-hole! Everyone, just let me find my balls, for God's sakes... 1, 2, and 3. Okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

[deleted scene where Dr Evil is stroking mr Bigglesworth] I like holding my kitty. Its like holding an ass.

Assistant Director: And Cut! That's a cut everybody!

Steven Spielberg: So Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?

Austin: Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest filmmaker in the history of cinema is making a mooovie about my life..very shagadelic baby, yeah! (laughs) Having said that, I do have some thoughts.

Steven Spielberg: Really, (Holds up an Oscar) my friend here - thinks it's fine the way it is.

Austin: Well no offense sir Stevie, but you've gotta have a mojo baby, yeah! Hit it!

(Austin Powers Theme begins)

Johnson: Sir? Dr. Evil is not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.

World Leader: Which one?

Johnson: It's the one that looks like a pair of--

[cut to fruit stand]

Woman: Melons! Big juicy melons![holds them in front of her breasts.]

Man: Are they nice and firm?

Woman: Well, what do you think?

Man: [pointing to the sky] Look at that! It looks like a set of giant--

[cut to football game. 4 men are cheering with the letters "T","I","T" and "S" painted on their chests.]

Man with second T: A, and N, you're late! [two men with the letters "A" and "N" arrive, forming "TITANS."]

"A" Man: How we doing, man?

Men: Yeah! Go, Titans! Yeah!

"A" Man: Check it out! Those remind me of--

[film pauses]

Ozzy Osbourne: Boobs!

Sharon Osbourne: Boobs, Ozzy?

Ozzy Osbourne: These filmmakers are just f[bleep]ing boobs!

Kelly Osbourne: What do you mean, Dad?

Ozzy Osbourne: Well, their using the same f[bleep]ing jokes as they did in the last Austin Powers movie.

Sharon Osbourne: What f[bleep]ing joke?

Jack Osbourne: You know, the f[bleep]ing joke about the long, smooth rocket that looks like some guy's--

[back to World Organization]

World Leader: Johnson?

Johnson: Yes sir?

World Leader: Any sign of that satellite?

Johnson: No sir. It's gone.

Austin: Excellent Basil, we've been trying for years to get a mole into Dr. Evil's lair, we know have that mole.

Basil:: Yes! Ah, and here he is.

Austin: So you're the (zoom up on the mole's mole) mo-o-ole, mo-o-o-le...

Foxxy: and Austin: Mo-ost, most, most excellent agent we've ever seen.

Austin: Yes, most excellent agent we've ever seen.

Foxxy: Mm-hmmm

Austin: (quietly to Foxxy) Thank you.

Mole: Thank you. Now, I wasn't able to get an exact location, but I did learn that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair outside of Tokyo Japan......By the way, I realize that I have a large mole on my face.

Austin: Where??? (nervously laughs) What? Where's that mole? I... didn't see one.

Mole: I also realize the irony that I am myself a mole.

Austin: (nervously) No one would make that connection.

Basil: (to the Mole) Anyway, well done, old chap. Jolly good work.

Austin: Yes, nice to mole you--meet you! Nice to meet your mole! Don't say mole.

Foxxy: Stop.

Austin: I said mole.

Foxxy: Stop!

Mole: Bye.

Austin: Mole.

Austin: Mo-ole... (Basil raises index finger, face indicating "that's enough.") Mole!

Basil: (irritated) Oh, shut up!

Austin: Moley-moley-moley-moley-moley!

Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we have the ultimate insurance policy; may I present to you, the very sexual, the very toit, Austin Power's fahza!

Dr. Evil: His what?

Number 2: His fazha, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: His farjer?

Number 2: [nods]

Dr. Evil: What's farjer?

Goldmember: His fazha, ya know the fazha!

Dr. Evil: Yeah, Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch, OK, perv-boy?

Goldmember: Fazha, his dad--dad is fazha.

Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. Oh, his father.

Goldmember: Yes, I have a Dutch accent, isn't that weird?

Dr. Evil: Fat-ther, Fat-ther. Ah, Nigel Powers.

Nigel Powers: Hello, hello. (slaps Frau on her rear) Ha-ha-ha!

Dr. Evil: Bring him to me.

Nigel Powers: Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy. Oh, put the guns down. Is-is this the first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes, you attack me, one at a time, and I knock you out with a single punch. Okay? Go.

(The two guards listen, and Nigel does just that)

Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.

Nigel Powers: (to third guard) Do you know who I am? Have you any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years? And look at you, you haven't even got a name tag. (laughing) You got no chance. Why don't you just fall down?

(The guard complies.)

Nigel Powers: All right, Dr. Evil, give yourself up while you still got a chance. (handgun chambers behind Nigel) Okay, okay, you got me.

Dr. Evil: Nigel Powers, I'd like you to meet Mini-me.

Nigel Powers: Oh, blimey! (looks down at Mini-me) I thought I smelled cabbage.

Dr. Evil: Take him away!

Goldmember: Uh-uh, Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo go-o-l-l-l-d? It's kind of my thing, ya know?

(Dr. Evil pilots his chair over to Goldmember, and swivels it to look at Goldmember.)

Dr. Evil: How 'bout no, you crazy Dutch bastard!

Goldmember: Would you like a smoke and a pancake?

Austin: ... What?

Goldmember: A smoke and a pancake. You know, a flapjack and a cigarette? No?

Austin: [shakes head]

Goldmember: Cigar and a waffle? No?

Austin: [shakes head]

Goldmember: Pipe and a crepe? No?

Austin: [shakes head]

Goldmember: Bong and a blintz?

Austin and Nigel: No.

Goldmember: Well, then there ish no pleashing you.

Austin: That's not right.

Goldmember: [picking skin off his back] Ooh yes. Yes-yes-yes-yes. This is a keeper.

Dr. Evil: All right, you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you?

Goldmember: [eats piece of skin]

Dr. Evil: You did. Okay, that's just gross.

Mini-Me: [cringes and shakes head]

Goldmember: [clapping] Yes, salty. Yes, that was good.

[{}=Japanese translations]

Mr. Roboto: {I am president of Roboto Industries. My name is Mr. Roboto.}

Austin Powers: Domo arigato, Mr.Roboto. {Thank you, Mr. Roboto} [to audience] I thank you.

Foxxy Cleopatra: {Thank you for seeing us on such short notice.}

Austin Powers: [to Foxxy] You speak Japanese?

Foxxy Cleopatra: A little.

Austin Powers: Well, you might be a cunning linguist but I'm a master debater. [Both laugh, then, seriously, to Mr. Roboto] I'm looking for my father. He was kidnapped.

Mr. Roboto: {Please eat some shit.}

Austin Powers: Please eat what?!

Foxxy Cleopatra: Wait. [Removes white cups revealing rest of subtitle] He said "Please eat some shitake mushrooms."

Austin Powers: Tell me. What do you know ... about my father's where...about...s?

Mr. Roboto: Hm. [Walks over to bookcase which contains white books] {Your ass is happy.}

Austin Powers: "Your ass is happy?!"

Foxxy Cleopatra: No. [Pulls down a bookcase cover] He said "Your assignment is an unhappy one."

Austin Powers: Oh!

Mr. Roboto: [to Japanese woman dressed in white] {I have a huge rod.} [Japanese woman gasps]

Austin Powers: Nice potty-mouth, dirt bag!

Mr. Roboto: [Repeats line and moves away from woman, revealing I have a huge rodent problem.]

Austin Powers: Oh.

Mr. Roboto: {A little off the topic but unfortunate nonetheless.}

Austin Powers: Yes. Very off-topic, thank you very much.

Mr. Roboto: Why don't I just speak in English?

Austin Powers: That would be a good idea now wouldn't it? That way, I wouldn't misread the subtitles, making it look like you're saying things that are dirty. [looks at audience and smiles]

[Later]

Austin Powers: By the way, {I do have a huge rod...I wish.}

Dr. Evil: [To Austin from inside a cell] Quid pro quo.

Austin Powers: [Confused] Yes, squid pro row.

Austin Powers: Mole!

Basil Exposition: Oh, shut up!

Austin Powers: [As Basil and the Mole walk out] Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!

Japanese Man 1: Run! It's Godzilla!

Japanese Man 2: It looks like Godzilla, but due to International Copyright Laws, it's not.

Japanese Man 1: Still, we should run like it is Godzilla!

Japanese Man 2: Though it isn't.

[Both scream and run]

Austin: Listen, dad, if you are are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English.

[Nigel looks back at girls]

Nigel: All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.)

Austin: Are you telling a bunch pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? (Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)

Nigel: What, billy no mates? (What, alone?)

Austin: Too right, youth. (Indeed.)

Nigel: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)

Austin: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! (The insane one?)

Nigel: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.)

Austin: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... (A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck) [complete gibberish] (????????)...

Austin & Nigel: --tea kettle!

Nigel: And then, and then--

Austin & Nigel: She shat on a turtle!

Goldmember: Breaker-breaker one-niner, this is Goldie Wang. Over.

Dr. Evil: Ten-four there, Goldie Wang. This is Rubber Duckie. What's your ten-twenty? Over.

Goldmember: I've got Preparation H in my rear and Smokey the Bear on my back door. We got us a convoy. Over.

Dr. Evil: Yee-haw! Copy that, you son of a bitch, pile of monkey nuts.

Young Dr. Evil: (Checking the class rankings) Hey everybody, I'm #1!

Young Number 2: Hello. I'm Number 2.

Young Dr. Evil: Pleased to meet you Number 2. But now I'm finally going to be this years international many of mystery. *evil laugh*

Young Number 2: *evil laugh*

Both: *evil laugh*

Boy: [off screen] Shut yer gob! [a cupcake hits Young Dr Evil]

Young Dr. Evil: Ow! [laughter] Who throws a cupcake? Honestly.

[last lines]

Scott: I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! (laughs evilly, like Dr. Evil)

Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H!!

Scott laughs.

Dr. Evil: What?

Scott: Why don't you just call it Operation Ass Cream, ass?

Dr. Evil: I-I'm sorry, did you want some ice cream?

Scott: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass cream.

Dr. Evil: [uncertainly] Perhaps later.

Number Two: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.

Dr. Evil: Yah, eh?

Frau: Ja, Doctor. It's a really good plan.

Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole, I think Preparation H feels good.

Scott starts chuckling uncontrollably.

Dr. Evil: [irritated] What is it now?

Scott: No, nothin'. You know what, I agree. Preparation H does feel good...on the hole.

Dr. Evil: Well, I'm glad were sprechen sie the same lingidy... yah. Ladies and Gentlemen, using my time machine, I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember, and bring him back to the future. And the best part of the plan is, no one can stop me...not even... Austin Powers. Muh-huh-huh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Others (except Scott): Huh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Austin Powers: Not so fast.

Several British SAS forces storm the room.

Austin Powers: You're surrounded, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: Shit.

Goldmember: Not so fast, shmarty-pants. Dr. Evil, you might not want to deschtroy the world, but I dooooooo... Preparation H goes ahead as planned. I'm going to flood the Earth!

Foxxy: Think again, Goldmember.

Goldmember: Ahh, Foxxy Cleopatra; it is a shame I had to kill your partner. Too bad for you-u-u!

Foxxy: Too bad for me? How about too bad for you (holds the gold tractor beam key over the shark tank which has sharks with lasers on their frickin' heads).

Goldmember: (in terror) Ho-no!

(Foxxy drops the key into the tank.)

Goldmember: No-ho-ho! No-ho-ho-ho! (composes himself) Luckily, I keep a spare.

(Goldmember turns around and removes his genitals with a lot of racheting and twisting.)

Goldmember: Look everyone, my winky was a key!

Nigel Powers: (in contempt) Only a bloody Dutchman!

From the Movie Austinpussy:

Austin (Tom Cruise): Yeah Baby!

Dixie (Gwyneth Paltrow): Hi I'm Dixie, Dixie Normous. I may just be a small town FBI agent slash single mother, but I'm still tough, and sexy.

Austin (Tom Cruise): Well Miss Normous, shall we shag now, or shag later?

Dixie (Gwyneth Paltrow):Oh Austin, Behave!

Dr. Evil (Kevin Spacey): Hey, Powers! You better watch your frigging self because this is one doctor who does make house-calls. Right, mini-me?

Mini-me (Danny Devito): Hey, assholes! I'm right over here! I'm Mini-me! Come and get me! (fires an automatic assault rifle in the air)

Goldmember (John Travolta): Hah-hey, assholes! Do I have time for a last shmoke and a pancake or what? I am from Holland, isn't that a we-e-eird?

Taglines

He's still evil... He's still deadly... and he's still surrounded by frickin' idiots!

What do you call a swinger old enough to be your father? Daddy!

A New Breed of Evil.

This summer's biggest movie has a secret, baby!

Cast

Mike Myers - Austin Powers/Dr. Evil/Fat Bastard/Goldmember
Beyonce Knowles - Foxxy Cleopatra
Michael York - Basil Exposition
Robert Wagner - Number Two
Rob Lowe - Young Number Two
Seth Green - Scott Evil
Mindy Sterling - Frau Farbissina
Verne Troyer - Mini-Me
Michael Caine - Nigel Powers
Steven Spielberg - Himself

Quoternity