BASEketball Quotations

BASEketball is a 1998 David Zucker comedy film starring South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, along with Dian Bachar, Robert Vaughn, Yasmine Bleeth, and Jenny McCarthy. The movie follows the history of the sport (created by Zucker years earlier) of the same name, from its invention by the lead characters as a game they could win against more athletic types, to its development as a nationwide league sport and a target of corporate sponsorship. This is the only one of Parker and Stone's works that wasn't written, directed, and/or produced by them.

Joe "Coop" Cooper

Steve Perry. Steeeve Perry! "Well I shoulda been go-one, after all!"

Yeah. I made it myself, you know. If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels.

(To Reggie Jackson): I don't have your fucking ball!

Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... FUCK!

No, it's not like horse.

Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?

[in Cartman's voice]

Hey, you guys, seriously, I'm fuckin' fat. Seriously, you guys, I'm fuckin' fat as fuck.

[with Australian accent] How to speak San Franciscan.

[He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]

Vajoina!

[Referee calls Coop out for the psyche out]

Oh come on, that wasn't a gay joke, it was an Australian joke! Aww! Awwww!

Doug Remer

I hear your mom's going out with......SQUEAK

Listen to me little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari

My name isn't Squeak, all right?! My name is Kenny!

[Coop and Reemer are fighting] Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

"I swear, you guys rip on me thirteen or fourteen more times and I'm outta here!"

Others

Circulating nurse: This kid's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.

[in song] Your life's spinning out of control, it seems the whole world it's out to get you, but you can't let it bring you down no you've got to fight-eh, CAUSE you try but you can't let gooooo. It's when your down that you gotta get up-a, don't let 'em walk all over your face-eh, stand up for yourself and make everything a-right again. Even when some guy's tryin-a blackmail you, and your girlfriend thinks you suck, it's up to you to let them know that it was all just part of some rich guy's evil plan. Look out ahead, there's a truck changing lanes, you got some yellow crumbs on your upper lip, and those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away unless you start using topical cream everyday .....

Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.

Narrator: Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.

Narrator: The Raiders moved from Oakland to LA back to Oakland, no-one seemed to notice.

Bob Costas: You're excited? Feel these nipples!

Dialogue

[standing at the front door]

Joe Cooper: It's Coop and Remer.

Doug Remer: We graduated with Britney.

Dr. Kaiser: You graduated?

Joe Cooper: Of course we graduated, cock - Beer?

[in the house]

Doug Remer: Man this place looks like a Dockers commercial.

Joe Cooper: Oh hey, Stef!

Stephanie: Coop! Remer!

Joe Cooper: You wanna beer?

Stephanie: Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!

Joe Cooper: Oh, cool.

Stephanie: No, it isn't.

Joe Cooper: Cock. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You sill hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?

“Skidmark” Steve: Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?

Joe Cooper: Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. Cock.

Joe Cooper: With that new liver he'll be peeing like a champ in no time!

Jenna Reed: That's kidneys, Coop.

Doug Remer: Your bed is over here.

[indicates a dog bed]

Kenny Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?

Joe Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.

Kenny Scolari: Yeah I could.

Doug Remer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!

Kenny Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.

Joe Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.

Kenny Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!

Doug Remer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.

Joe Cooper: Sure are.

Kenny Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

Jenna Reed: Excuse me, driver? Can you go any faster?

Dale Earnhardt: [looks back] Can I go any faster?

[puts on his trademark black Goodwrench race helmet and accelerates the taxi]

[Kids cheer]

Dale Earnhardt: HANG ON!

Joe Cooper: Who's this guy?

Doug Remer: He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.

Joe Cooper: Now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? Fucking sellout.

Joe Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally fucked me there!

Doug Remer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.

Joe Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!

Doug Remer: Oh, You think she's got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance with her than you do.

Kenny Scolari: Hey, you think?

Joe Cooper: That's low, You son of a bitch.

Kenny Scolari: What? Why is that low?

Doug Remer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

Referee 1: What's the matter with Coop?

Referee 2: I don't know, but he's 1 for 11 and he smells like Christian Slater!

Joe Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it.

Kenny Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!

Joe Cooper: Right, so just shoot for it. And if you get it in, you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.

Kenny Scolari: Or bitch.

Doug Remer & Joe Cooper: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch.

Kenny Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.

Joe Cooper: Steve Perry.

Kenny Scolari: Huh?

[shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog]

Doug Remer: Tough break, Squeak.

Joe Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.

[agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

Joe Cooper: What is something you really want?

Joey: Chelsea Clinton.

Joe Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.

Doug Remer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.

Joe Cooper: I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!

Doug Remer: Dude!

Joe Cooper: Dude!

Doug Remer: Dude!

Joe Cooper: Dude!

Doug Remer: DUDE!

[Coop looks shocked]

Doug Remer: [Calmly] Dude.

Joe Cooper: I guess you have a point.

[Reemer pulls Squeak out of a drawer-bed]

Doug Remer: Wake up bitch! You're my new best friend!

Kenny Scolari: [half-conscious] Really? Are we going to the zoo?

Doug Remer: He's flat-lining!

Joe Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!

Kenny Scolari: No! Not those!

Joe Cooper: Clear!

Kenny Scolari: Clear!

Kenny Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]

Kenny Scolari: No pulse!

Joe Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!

Doug Remer: 10,000 volts!

Joe Cooper: Clear!

Kenny Scolari: Clear!

[Sqeak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]

Doug Remer: Dude, it's not working!

Joe Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!

Doug Remer: 15,000 volts!

Kenny Scolari: [ears smoking] No...

[Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]

Doug Remer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?

Joe Cooper: What does it look like?

Doug Remer: An execution?

[With accents]

Joe Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!

Doug Remer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!

Joe Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.

Doug Remer: Heh.

[End Accents]

Joe Cooper: CLEAR!

Doug Remer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.

Joe Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

Joe Cooper: Hey pigfucker, can I call you pigfucker?

Doug Remer: No, only my friends can call me pigfucker.

Dan Patrick: With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge.

Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Milwaukee Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.

Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.

Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.

Dan Patrick: Right,

Robert Stack: The police have pieced together numerous theories on Coop's whereabouts.

Doug Remer: I have no fucking clue where the hell he is. For all I care he could be hanging by his neck in his fucking closet!

Robert Stack: Scenario One: He's hanging by his neck in his fucking closet.

Jenna Reed: You want to know where Coop is? Just look for where the most heinous, vile, horrible exploitation of children takes place.

Robert Stack: Scenario Two: Coop went to Disney World.

Doug Remer: Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.

Joe Cooper: No you don't, you like Taco Bell!

Doug Remer: No, one time I was at this hospital, in france, and I met this great chick.

Joe Cooper: Dude, that was a hostel.

Kenny Scolari: I am not going out with his sister!

Joe Cooper: Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.

Doug Remer: Yeah, ya gotta say totally fucked up shit to psych them out.

Kenny Scolari: Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally fucked up?

[trying to psych out a player in their very first game]

Doug Remer: Ugh! One of Britney's moms pubic hairs!

[pulls hairs from mouth]

Basketball player: [disgusted voice] Psh... Ohhhh man!

Joe Cooper: HAH! You lose! Dude that was a SWEET psyche-out!

Doug Remer: UGH [DUDE] HERES ANOTHER ONE!

[pulls out more hairs from teeth]

Bob Costas: It's hard to believe that just five years ago this game was played only in driveways.

Al Michaels: [camera shifts to Beers cheerleaders] Yes, it's also hard to believe that just five years ago those girls were only in grade school.

Surgeon: Has there been a rise in his fluid intake? SWEET JESUS! His sodium levels are through the roof!

Surgery Nurse: I don't get it. He's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.

Ted Denslow: I got three words for ya. National. Baseketball. League.

Joe Cooper: [flatly] We're not interested. [turns and pulls Remer away with him]

Denslow: Now wait a minute, hear me out! Now you kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg [Coop mouths "Dan Fogelberg" in disbelief], your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-Man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds. [holds his thumb and index finger apart just a bit. Remer stands transfixed by a chirping bird on a branch right above him. Coop sees this, then rolls his eyes]

Cast

Trey Parker - Joe "Coop" Cooper
Matt Stone - Doug Remer
Dian Bachar - Kenny "Squeak" Scolari
Yasmine Bleeth - Jenna Reed
Jenny McCarthy - Yvette Denslow
Ernest Borgnine - Ted Denslow
Robert Vaughn - Baxter Cain

Quoternity