Batman: The Animated Series Quotations

Batman: The Animated Series is the first cartoon series set in the DC Animated Universe. It was succeeded by The New Batman Adventures.

On Leather Wings

Bullock: I want my own tactical squad for the sole purpose of throwing the net over this "Batman".

Gordon: I've already denied the request. Nobody is taking a vigilante force onto my streets.

Bullock: Your Honor, any nutcase that dresses up like a bat sooner or later is gonna snap.

Gordon: Listen, it's just not Batman's M.O.

Bullock: Oh yeah?! Tell that to the guy he just tossed through the window!

Mayor Hill: Anything else, detective?

Bullock: Just make sure the D.A.'s office would give me an airtight case, sir.

Dent: If you catch him, Harvey, I'll put him in jail for you.

Batman: [reading paper] "Gotham Police Declare War on Batman?"

Alfred: I gather you've been reading How to Make Friends and Influence People.

Batman: Somebody's setting me up.

Alfred: My heavens! You mean it wasn't you tossing guards out of windows last night?

Batman: I only toss butlers, Alfred.

Bullock: Commissioner, you're just in time to see us hang this bat upside-down.

Gordon: You sure he's in there?

Bullock: The chopper pilots just spotted him on the fourth floor.

Gordon: Well, he can't be two places at once. Another pharmaceutical factory was just robbed across town. You've got the wrong suspect.

Bullock: What?!

[Bullock and Gordon hear gunshots]

Bullock: Well, somebody's in there, Commissioner.

Gordon: Call them off, Bullock, or I will.

Kirk Langstrom: Who's back there? [Batman emerges] You.

Batman: I'm looking for Doctor March.

Kirk Langstrom: He's not here, Batman.

Batman: Where is he?

Kirk Langstrom: Giving some lecture on human extinction and bat evolution. He's really quite brilliant.

Batman: He's misguided, and a thief!

Kirk Langstrom: No, he's just a theorist. He was afraid to really put it to the test. But I wasn't. I knew he'd discovered a formula to create a totally new species - neither man nor bat. And once I started taking it, I couldn't stop. I desperately wanted to, but it took over. Francine and March tried to protect me, but it was too late. The beast knew what chemicals were needed to bring itself about! It was out of my control! And it only needs one more component to complete the process! [voice changes] It's in me, Batman!

[Kirk starts to transform into the Man-Bat]

Helicopter Pilot: I just got word not to let you up without the Commissioner!

Bullock: Who told you that?!

Pilot: [points at Gordon as he approaches] The Commissioner!

The Cat And The Claw Part 1

Selina Kyle: Still, I wish it were Batman standing behind this door. (She opens the door; Bruce Wayne is on the other side)

Selina: I'm afraid I'm not going to be very good company.

Bruce: Is there anything I can do?

Selina: Not really... unless you can get me a meeting with the chairman of Multigon International.

Bruce: (Picks up a phone and dials) What time's good for you?

Selina: Hey, I'm starting to like this guy.

Stern: Now if you'll excuse me, I've given you all the time I can spare.

Selina: You'll find more time for me, Mr. Stern. Before I'm through, I'll have every environmental group and animal rights activist breathing down your neck. They'll be looking at you and your project so closely, you'll feel like a bug in a bell-jar.

Catwoman: Never trifle with the affections of a woman. Until next time.

Batman: And there will be a next time.

The Cat And The Claw Part 2

Batman: Red Claw? A woman???

Red Claw: Do you have a problem with that, Batman?

Batman: Not at all. I'm an equal opportunity crime fighter!

Red Claw: You've finally met your match, Batman! Not surprising it's a woman!

Heart Of Ice

Mr. Freeze: (To a model of his wife turning in a snowglobe) This is how I'll always remember you: Surrounded by winter, forever young, forever beautiful. Rest well, my love - the monster who took you from me will soon learn that revenge is a dish... best served cold.

Mr. Freeze: This is a personal vendetta. It does not concern you.

Batman: It's my concern now.

Mr. Freeze: Since you ally yourself with my enemies, you leave me no choice. (attacks Batman with his Cold Gun)

Batman: (Seeing a video of Victor Fries' origin) My God!

Mr. Freeze: Yes, it would move me to tears, if I still had tears to shed.

Mr. Freeze: Think of it Batman. To never again walk upon a summer's day with a hot wind in your face and a warm hand in yours. Oh, yes. I'd kill for that.

Mr. Freeze: You... beg? In my nightmares, I see my Nora behind the glass, begging to me with frozen eyes. How I've longed to see that look frozen on you.

Batman: Chicken soup. It's the only way to fight a cold.

Mr. Freeze: I've failed you. I wish there were another way for me to say it. I cannot. I can only beg your forgivness, and pray you'll hear me somehow... Someplace... Where a warm hand waits for mine...

Feat Of Clay Part 2

Matt Hagen: [testing his new shapeshifting powers] The formula must have soaked every cell in my body.

Teddy: It's... It's some kind of miracle.

[Matt changes back into Clayface]

Teddy: Wha... What are you doing?

Clayface: No. No! You broke my concentration! It won't work, don't you see?! It's too hard! It's like tensing a muscle - I can't keep it up for long!! MY CAREER, MY LIFE - IT IS GONE!!! AND I CAN NEVER GET IT BACK!!!

[In his rage, Clayface destroys several things in the trailer]

Clayface: I'm not an actor anymore! I'm not even... a man!

Clayface: Not even the Batman could stop me, Teddy, and that means Daggett won't have a prayer.

Teddy: Matt, please. Y-y-you don't wanna do anything crazy. Why don't you try to get some shut-eye?

Clayface: DON'T YOU DARE PATRONIZE ME! I told you I don't need rest! I don't need food, AND I DON'T NEED YOU!!!

Woman: I'd like to ask Mr. Daggett about the rumors I've heard. I hear he's selling Renuyu through direct marketing because stores won't carry it due to its harmful side effects.

Daggett: Well that's, uh, absolutely untrue--

Woman: What about the addictive properties of Renuyu, Mr. Daggett? Once you're hooked, you can't stop using it without horrible...pain!

Daggett: No! I mean... That's just not so!

Woman: Why don't you tell them what an overdose can do, Daggett? Why don't you tell them... (She transforms into Clayface) about ME?!

[Batman stops Clayface by showing him images of the roles he played while still human]

Clayface: What are you doing?! Stop it!

Batman: Look at them, Hagen. Look at what you used to be.

Clayface: No... No! Turn them off...

Batman: You can play those roles again, Hagen. Let me help you find a cure.

Clayface: [transforms into one of the characters] No! Hagen's gone! Make him stop haunting me!

[Clayface goes out of control, rapidly switching between the characters]

Clayface: Stop it, turn them off! I can't control them! I can't take all of them!! Not all at once!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Clayface: You know what I'd have given for a death scene like this? Too bad I won't get to read the notices.

Joker's Favor

Charlie: Sheesh. Go on, push me aside, bigshot. No reason anyone should move over and make way for Charlie Collins. [a car cuts him off] Hey! Oh, that's it. No signal, no nothing. Just treat me like I don't exist. Sorry, comrade, not this time.

Charlie: Hey, buddy! Yeah, I'm talking to you, clown! You think you own the whole road? Why, for two cents, I'd ~ [sees that he's talking to the Joker, stops, and drives off] (in disbelief) That was the Joker! I cussed out the Joker!

Joker: [tosses two pennies on the ground] There's your two cents. Now, what were you going to do to me?

Charlie: Listen, I've had a rough day. Boss turned me down for a raise, and...

Joker: Now look, my rude friend! We can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It's simply not polite! [jumps down and grabs him] I'm just going to have to teach you some manners. [reaches into his coat]

Charlie: Please don't! I have a family, a wife, a little boy! Please! I'll do anything to make it up! Anything!

Joker: Anything, says you? [Charlie nods; Joker releases him] Okee-dokee! Wallet.

Charlie: Uh, okay. I don't have much cash.

Joker: Oh, please! Don't insult me! [takes out driver's license] Charles Michael Collins. That's you! Tsk tsk, lousy picture, though. Lousy! Address, height, weight, blah blah blah. [tosses the wallet back and keeps the license] Righty-o, Chuckers! Here's the deal. I'll let you off if you promise to do a little favor for me.

Charlie: Okay. What?

Joker: I DON'T KNOW! I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT YET! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life, and when I need you, I'll call. Fair? Good? Great! I'll be in touch. [walks away, laughing maniacally]

Joker: (On phone) Hello, Charlie.

Charlie: Wrong number, pal. My name's Don.

Joker: Oh, no, this is the right number. This is Charles Michael Collins... oh, I don't know why you changed your name to Don Wallace, and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane, Springdale, Ohio. One might think you were trying to skip out on our little deal.

Charlie: (Terrified) How did you find me?

Joker: Oh, I never lost you, Chaz. You've become my hobby! (Laughs hysterically)

Joker: Guess I'll need a new hobby now that ol' Charlie's... (Makes a throat-cutting gesture)

Harley Quinn: Macrame's nice.

Joker: I smell a bat!

Harley Quinn: Beauty school's starting to look pretty good about now.

Charlie: Batman! The Commissioner's medal, it's a bomb!

Charlie: I said, hold it! (Punches the Joker in the stomach, sending him reeling into some trash cans)

Joker: You miserable little nobody! If I get caught, your wife and son are history!

Charlie: (Calmly) You´re not getting caught. (Pulls out one of Joker´s bombs) Not this time. I found this blown out of the van. This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes. No grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow, all the papers will say is that the great Joker was found blown to bits in an alley, alongside a miserable little nobody. Kinda funny. Ironic, really. See, I can destroy a man's dreams too. And that's really the only dream you've got, isn't it?

[A genuinely scared Joker tries to sweet-talk his way out of the situation.]

Joker: Look - Charlie - you've had a busy day! All this running around, all this excitement with... (Calling to one side) BATMAN!!

[Charlie approaches Joker with the bomb.]

Joker: Stop! You - you're crazy!

Charlie: I had a good teacher. (Chuckles) Say goodnight, Gracie!

Joker: No! Batman! BAAAATMAAAAANNNN! [Sees, to his great relief, Batman standing right there before him] How long have you been there?

Batman: Long enough.

Charlie: Hey, Joker!

[He tosses the bomb to Joker. Joker screams and hides himself behind Batman. It turns out the bomb is a dud. Trembling, the Joker looks out from behind Batman's shoulder.]

Charlie: Gotcha!

[Batman gives a short laugh. The Joker, on the contrary, is far from amused.]

Joker: Oh, very funny. A million laughs!

[Batman takes Joker away, and Joker goes along without a fuss.]

Batman: [To Charlie] Go home, Mr. Collins.

Charlie: Home. I never thought that could sound so good. I wonder what Bonnie's making for dinner. Right now, anything would taste great. Even meat loaf!

Pretty Poison

Dent: So, what do you think?

Bruce: Does she have a sister?

Dent: Nope. Pam's one of a kind. That's why I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

[Bruce spits while drinking water upon hearing this]

Bruce: WHAT?!!

Dent: Yup, that's the page-one headline. [adjusts his shirt uneasily] Is it getting warm in here?

Bruce: You're still flushed from that last kiss. Harvey, you just met her last week!

Dent: And I already know she's the one. Gosh, it's so hot in here...

Bruce: Marriage is a major step, Harv. Don't you think you're rushing it?

Dent: No way. The moment I laid eyes on Pam, it would hit me right in the face.

[Dent falls unconscious]

Bruce: [laughs] Harvey, you've lost your mind. Knock it off. Harv? Harvey!

[The doctors brings Dent to an ambulance]

Bruce: Hang on, Harvey. Hang on.

Bullock: So what did you put in this mousse?!

Cook: Er... chocolate, sugar, eggs, cream...

Bullock: Strychnine?!

Cook: No, no, no strychnine. But I added just a pinch of vanilla.

Poison Ivy: So his fate was sealed... (Puts on poisoned lipstick)... with a kiss.

Poison Ivy: Enjoy extinction, Batman!

Batman: [holds the thorny rose over the flames] I'm not going alone.

Poison Ivy: No!

Batman: The bottle for the weed. What's it gonna be?

Poison Ivy: They can bury me in the ground, as deep as they like. But I'll grow back. [to the rose] We always grow back... don't we, baby?

Nothing To Fear

[Scarecrow sprays a strange gas into a guard's face.]

Guard: Hey, what the--? N-no. No, spiders! Get them offa me! No! No! [Cowers in terror.]

Anthony: What did you do to him, boss?

Scarecrow: I merely helped him visualize his innermost terror, which is obviously arachnophobia.

Nigel: A-whack-a-what?

Scarecrow: Arachnophobia! Fear of spiders, you dimwitted dropout!

Scarecrow: I am fear incarnate. I am the terror of Gotham. I am the Scarecrow!

Thomas Wayne: (Hallucination) You are a disgrace!!

Batman: No. You are not my father. I am not a disgrace! I am vengeance. I am the night! I - am - BATMAN!!

Be A Clown

Hamilton Hill: [on TV, about Batman] He and criminals like the Joker are cut from the same fabric.

Joker: [watching] What?! Compare ME to BATMAN?! I've got more style! More brains! I'm certainly a better dresser!

(The Joker puts a piece of dynamite in a birthday cake)

Child: Hey! What's that?

Joker: It's a birthday candle, Einstein! Except this one blows you out.

[The Joker (disguised as Jekko the Clown) performs magic tricks]

Jordan: Where'd you learn that, Jekko?

Joker: From the great Prosciutto! Now there was a ham!

Jordan: How do I get to be a great magician like you?

Joker: Well, there are three steps. Step one: run away. Step two: find someone with a great act. And step three... steal it.

Joker: [after planting a bomb] Well, gotta go. But I left them with a bang!

Gleason: The Mayor declined, however, to confirm that his son, Jordan was missing.

Joker: Missing?

Jordan: It's me, Jekko. I ran away.

Joker: You did WHAT?!!

Jordan: I want to be a magician, like you.

Joker: Why, you... [laughs] Well, kid, you got step one right! Come on in. I've been thinking about a protege.

[Seeing Batman on security monitors]

Joker: Well, if it ain't the Caped Coconut.

Jordan: My dad says Batman's no good.

Joker: Well then, I guess your dad's not a total idiot! Whaddaya say we play a little joke on Batman? You can be my assistant. Come on, this'll be a killer! [laughs]

[After knocking out Batman]

Joker: We've bagged a big one this time! [laughs]

Joker: (After Batman escapes) They don't make straitjackets like they used to. I should know.

Jordan: (While Batman is trapped in a Chinese Water Torture Cell) He can't get out! What's the trick?

Joker: That's just it! There is no trick!

Jordan: No! He'll drown!

Joker: That's why it's called the finale! [removes his "Jekko" headpiece, revealing himself] Now sit down and enjoy the show!

Joker: Naughty, naughty. You're making me miss the show.

Joker: Oh, Jordo! Come out, come out, wherever you are!

[Batman chases Joker on a rollar-coaster]

Joker: You win the prize, Batman! Catch the kewpie!

[He throws a kewpie doll into Batman's carriage. It explodes, damaging the cart.]

Joker: [going round a loop] WHEEEEEEEE! [to Batman] Butterfingers! Kewpie-dupie number twoey!

[He throws another doll at Batman, again damaging the cart]

Joker: You just don't like to play with dolls, do ya?!

The Clock King

Temple Fugate: It's about time. (Opening line)

Mayor Hill: Oh! Good morning, um...

Fugate: Fugate. Temple Fugate. I should think you remember the name by now, councillor. We've only been taking the same train every day for one year, seven months and thirteen days.

Hill: Oh, right! The efficiency expert.

Fugate: Thirty-seven pages. That would take a copier exactly one minute and forty-nine seconds. One more delay like this, and you're fired!

Clock King: Well, well, well. The Batman. It's about time you showed up. I'll bet you're wondering why I've sent downtown Gotham into a standstill. Well, let's just say that I'm a civic-minded citizen with a lot of time on my hands. (Throws a clock-grenade at Batman, who dodges)

Batman: I want some answers, wise-guy. Talk!

Clock King: A pity. I don't know what to tell you, Batman... except that the 9:15 is always six minutes early. [He jumps off the roof, landing on a train going by]

Batman: Give it up, Fugate. Hill committed no crime against you.

Clock King: He did worse! He made me late!

The Last Laugh

Alfred Pennyworth: Sounds like a rather dirty April Fool's prank.

Bruce Wayne: Sounds like the Joker.

Summer Gleeson: I'm here in Downtown Gotham where corporate CEOs have gon stock-raving mad. It would appear that the collapse of the stock market is now imminent. The question is: Will April Fool's Day mark the end of Gotham City as we know it?

Joker: The only things gaining now are the laughing stocks! [laughs]

Joker: Whoops! Looks like our air-holes are water-holes, too! What a shame! [laughs]

Joker: You killed Captain Clown. YOU KILLED CAPTAIN CLOWN!!!

Joker: Batman, you stink so bad I can smell you from here! P-U! (laughs) Pu, pu, pu! (laughs)

Joker: Justice is best served hot, Batman! You're going to melt just like a grilled cheese sandwich!

Batman: Justice will be served, Joker.

Joker: Service with a smile?

[He tosses a razor card at Batman. Batman dodges it just in time.]

Batman: Clean up your act, Joker.

Joker: Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke!

[The Joker laughs, and throws another razor card at Batman. This time Batman catches the card like a Frisbee. Joker's smile disappears at once and he gasps in astonishment. Batman grins smugly and holds up the card. Joker starts to run away, but then his foot gets caught in a pile of rope. The next thing, Joker is hanging precariously above the fire pit by his ankle. The Joker pleads for Batman to help him.]

Joker: Batman! You wouldn't let me fry, would you?

[Batman pretends to think about it.]

Joker: [Desperately] Batman!

[Batman hauls Joker up to safety, like a fish on a line.]

Bruce Wayne: I've taken eight showers, and I still feel soiled. Ugh... I've never seen so much garbage.

Joker: When the going gets tough, the tough goes shopping!

Eternal Youth

Thomas: You wicked, evil-

Poison Ivy: Evil, Mrs. Thomas? I don't control a company that leveled a thousand-year-old forest for a strip mine! That's evil!

Batman: (Seeing the plant-laden Batcave) What's with the jungle?

Alfred: I thought this drab old cave could use some colour. How does it look?

Batman: (Pause) Green.

Two-Face Part 1

[After Frankie kicks mud onto his suit, Harvey Dent reverts to "Big Bad Harv" and attacks him]

Frankie: Hey!

[Harv tosses Frankie to the mud]

Harv: You little weasel! I'll tear you apart!

Frankie: Help! Get him off! He's crazy! Someone get him off me!

Policeman: Hey, give me some help here!

Harv: Kick mud on my face, will ya?!

Frankie: Help!

Gordon: Harvey! Get a hold of yourself!

Dent: Jim, I... I... I...

[The reporters stare at Dent for the attack]

Gordon: Come on, you don't need this kind of publicity.

Frankie: The guy's a maniac! He's the one who should be going to jail!

Gordon: What in the name of heaven did you think you were doing?

Dent: I don't know. I guess he just pressed the right button.

Gordon: That's one heck of a button.

Rupert Thorne: All men have something to hide. The brighter the picture, the darker the negative.

Woman: Oh, Mr. Dent! I want you to know that I voted for you two times!

Harvey Dent: Well, ma'am, I trust it was in two separate elections?

[Harvey's raid on Thorne has been aborted by the judge due to lack of reliable evidence]

Harv: No! NO! I SPENT THREE MONTHS ON THAT RAID!!! He can't overturn! The fool! HE'S BEEN BOUGHT! LIKE ALL THE REST!

Bruce: [tries to restrain him] Harvey, please try to calm down. This sort of behaviour doesn't run well with the voters--

Harv: LET GO OF ME, YOU RICH TWIT!!

Harvey Dent: Just keep it under your hat, okay?

Bruce: Don't worry. If there's anything I know, it's how to keep a secret.

Psychiatrist: It's alright to have angry feelings, so long as it doesn't result in bad behavior. As soon as Harvey understands this-

Harv: Then maybe I'll go away, right?

Psychiatrist: Well...

Harv: I'm going NOWHERE, missy! [kicks a table and grabs a lamp] If anyone's leaving, it's Mister Goody-Good! [throws the lamp through a window, then turns on the psychiatrist menacingly] And maybe you with him.

Dent: What do you want?

Thorne: Just a few favors from the D.A.'s office.

Dent: You're dreaming.

Thorne: Otherwise, as a concerned citizen, I'd feel compelled to give this to the press. After all, the people of Gotham have a right to know the kind of person - or should I say, "persons" - they've elected. So, what do you say, Harvey? Do we have a deal?

Dent: There's just one problem.

Thorne: What's that?

Harv: [Voice changes] You're talkin' to the wrong Harvey.

Doctor: Now you understand, there's going to be some scarring, but I've already scheduled the surgery.

[The doctor removes the bandages from Harvey's face and recoils in horror.]

Harv: Get me a mirror.

Doctor: Harvey, maybe you should -

Harv: I said get me a mirror! NOW! [Finally sees his reflection] AAAAAUUUUAAAARRRGGHH!!

Two-Face Part 2

(Bruce Wayne is having a nightmare)

Two-Face: (Falling from a bridge to his death) Why couldn't you save me?! (He vanishes, and is replaced by Bruce's parents)

Thomas Wayne: Why couldn't you save us, son?

(Bruce wakes up, sweating. He then turns to a photo of Two-Face from a newspaper)

Bruce Wayne: What are you dreaming tonight, Harvey? Peaceful dreams? Nightmares? Maybe both at once. Sleep well, my friend. Whether you are, whatever you've become... I will save you. I swear.

Thorne: Spread the word,I'm putting out a contract. One million- no... make it two million. A million dollars a face, for the man who brings me... Two-Face.

Alfred: Keep your guard up, sir. Harvey's no longer the fellow we knew.

Batman: I still feel that somewhere inside that monster is my old friend.

Alfred: That may make him even more dangerous.

Batman: (after defeating a goon) You're coming with me, Harvey. I want to help you.

Two-Face: Help me?! You don't know anything about me!

Two-Face: This is my world now: a dichotomy of order and chaos - just like me.

Grace: What about your feelings, Harvey? You used to listen to your feelings!

Two-Face: (Flipping coin) This is what I listen to now.

Two-Face: Chance, Grace. Chance is everything. Whether you're born or not, whether you're good or bad, whether you live or die. It's all arbitrary.

Two-Face: The law?! Here's the only law! The law of averages! The great equalizer!

[Batman causes Two-Face to lose his coin among several others]

Two-Face: No! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! My coin... where is it?! I can't decide without-- Ooohh, no, it's gotta be here, it's gotta! I HAVE TO HAVE IT!!! (shrieks frantically, and finally collapses onto the floor sobbing)

Fear Of Victory

Robin: I learned to walk on a high wire, and now I can't stand on a step stool without freaking!

Mr. Lucky: Lost? You have that bewildered look, but your sort always does.

Thug: (grabs him threateningly) I ain't lost. I'm lookin' for you! I wanna know how come you always win, Mr. Lucky.

Mr. Lucky: It's quite simple, actually. I fix the games.

Thug: You can't fix all those sports. Nobody can!

Mr. Lucky: Oh, ye of little brain, allow me to illustrate. [hands the thug an envelope] Here. You can read, can't you?

Thug: [reads it] "Boo!" Hey, is this some kinda joke?

Mr. Lucky: It's no joke, I assure you. It's the fear of victory, and the agony of...

[The Thug pulls Mr. Lucky out of the shadows, revealing his true identity:]

Scarecrow: ... the Scarecrow!

Batman: Change of luck, Scarecrow? You're aware that gambling is illegal in Gotham?

Scarecrow: I need the money, Batman! You know the cost of chemicals these days.

I've Got Batman In My Basement

Sherman's Mom: You're not trying to make gunpowder again, are you?

Sherman: No, Mom! Honest!

Roberta: We just saved Batman's life, Mrs. Grant, and now we're hiding him from some bad criminals.

Mom: That's good, just don't make a mess.

Vendetta

Batman: Here's how it works, slimeball. I have questions, and if you have answers, I'll leave you alone.

Thorne: Oh, I have plenty of answers... thirty-eight caliber answers. Now then, you were saying?

Batman: (Using Thorne as a shield) I was saying, you'd better hope your men are very good shots.

The Forgotten

Bruce: What is this?

Smith: If it's moving, it's a rat. If it isn't, it's a cooked rat.

Alfred: This must be the place! Bring us down!

Batwing Computer: Negative.

Alfred: But Master Bruce is down there! We have to land!

Computer: Impossible. Area too confined.

Alfred: (Pounding controls) Land, you bucket of bolts!

Computer: Your funeral.

Mad As A Hatter

Jervis Tetch: Sometimes, Alice, I think you're the only one who understands me...

Jervis Tech: (Discussing the subject of Alice to his lab rats.) Of course, intellectually I know it's wrong. After all, she has a boyfriend. Better to withdraw like a gentleman- forget her, turn my heart to other pursuits. [Brief pause] NEVER! After all, I've created a chip strong enough to control a human brain! It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love ME! But...that would reduce her to a soulless shell. No...not my Alice.

Mad Hatter: I'll cut that cowl from your neck before you take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!

Batman: Then all you've waited for is a puppet. A soulless little doll.

Mad Hatter: It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her!

Mad Hatter: (Defeated) Would not. Could not. Would not, could not. Oh... could not join the dance...

The Cape & Cowl Conspiracy

Wormwood: Alright. I'll get you the Batman's cape and cowl. That won't be difficult. He is only human, after all.

Batman: (About the Bat-Signal) Got a new toy, I see.

Gordon: I figured it might come in handy.

Wormwood: Now, I don't actually know how hot 20,000 watts make a room, but I do know it melts wax, and eventually, it will melt you.

Perchance To Dream

Bruce: If this is a joke, Alfred, it's not funny.

Alfred: If this is a joke, sir, it's surely on me.

Bruce: Alfred, will you do me a favor? It's an odd favor... would you tell me about my life? Just humor me, please.

Bruce Wayne: [to "Batman"]: Here I am! I've been waiting for you! You did this to me!

Policeman: [chasing Bruce Wayne, who climbs up a wall]: That guy moves like Batman!

Mad Hatter: Are you the dreamer, or merely part of somebody else's dream? That's just the question Tweedle-Dee put to Alice in Through the Looking-

Bruce: This isn't some silly storybook!

Bruce: You're wrong! There is a way out!

[Stands on ledge, prepared to jump]

Mad Hatter: Now wait just a minute! You don't want to do anything foolish--This isn't an ordinary dream! What if you're wrong?

Bruce: Then I'll see you in your nightmares!!!

Batman: Why?

Mad Hatter: You, of all people, have the gall to ask me that?! You ruined my life!!! I was willing to give you any life you wanted, just to keep you out of mine!

The Underdwellers

Batman: I don't pass sentence. That's for the courts to decide. But this time -- this time -- I am sorely tempted to do the job myself!

The Sewer King: Lesson number one: NOOOOO TAAAALKING!!!!

Night Of The Ninja

Kyodai Ken: (Throwing Bruce) Don't be depressed, Wayne-san. You're not bad for a rich man's pampered son.

Sensei: (Leaps across room and throws Kyodai) There's always someone better, Kyodai.

Batman: His name is Kyodai Ken. He was good.

Robin: Yeah? How good?

Batman: (Quickly) Good.

Robin: I see.

Robin: (Mocking Batman after being brushed off by him) "Thanks for saving my bacon, Robin." Hey! No problemo, Batman!

The Strange Secret Of Bruce Wayne

Strange: We will continue tomorrow, yes?

Bruce: I'll... have to think about it. Good day, doc. (Leaves)

Strange: (Quietly) And good day to you... Batman.

Strange: I have here incontestable proof of Batman's secret identity. Now, gentlemen: how much am I bid?

Two-Face: Get out of my face, clown!

Joker: Which one?

Strange: Joker, please! I was set up! Bruce Wayne is Batman!

Two-Face: That's absurd! I know Bruce Wayne. If he's Batman, I'm the King of England!

Joker: (About to throw Dr. Strange out of an airplane) And remember, it's not the fall, it's the sudden stop!

Tyger, Tyger

Garth: The doctor doesn't take kindly to uninvited guests. (Grabs Batman)

Dorian: Garth! Bring him down here! (Batman drags Garth through the skylight) Well, that's one way to do it.

Dorian: I want to test Tygrus' reflexes and feral strength, and who better to pit him against than you? I'll give you a generous head start before I release Tygrus. If you defeat him, I shall relinquish this, the antigen to reverse Catwoman's mutation.

Batman: How do I know you'll keep your word?

Dorian: You don't. The clock is ticking, Batman.

Tygrus: (Trapped in a net) Let me go!

Batman: So, you can talk.

Tygrus: Grrr...My father taught me.

Batman: Your father was a test tube.

Dorian: I only wanted you to be strong! To show no weakness! No pity!

Tygrus: As you wish, father!

Catwoman Wait! Won't you come with us? There's nothing for you here.

Tygrus: There's nothing for me anywhere.

Dreams In Darkness

Scarecrow: An entire city, screaming in fear... I wonder if we'll be able to hear it...

Beware The Gray Ghost

Narrator: When crime haunts the night, a silent crusader carries the torch of justice! Those with evil hearts beware, for out of the darkness comes...The Gray Ghost!

[At a video shop, Bruce Wayne asks for Gray Ghost films]

Bruce Wayne: I'd like the Gray Ghost.

Store Clerk: [smirks and walks away] Hmm. Name something else.

Wayne: You said you had everything.

Store Clerk: Except the Gray Ghost-nobody has them! The studio that made the show, Spectra? It burned down 20 years ago. The negatives were lost too, real shame.

Wayne: So you say the Gray Ghost doesn't exist?

Clerk: Not anymore. Sorry, pal.

Batman: I used to admire what the Gray Ghost stood for.

Trent: I'm not the Gray Ghost!

Batman [coldly]: I can see that now.

[Batman confronts Simon Trent/Gray Ghost after he discovers in a fingerprint analysis that the remote-controlled cars are his]

Simon Trent aka The Gray Ghost: No, it can't be! I sold the toys months ago to pay for my...No, it can't be him!

Bruce: As a kid, I used to watch you with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.

Gray Ghost: Really...

Bruce: And he still is.

Cat Scratch Fever

Selina Kyle: Don't tell me you're my very own private probation officer. How often would you like me to check in?

Batman: (Feeling Catwoman's forehead) You're hot.

Catwoman: Now you notice.

Catwoman: Are you getting soft on criminals, or just on me?

Batman: I think the fever is making you delusional.

Catwoman: Ever the escape artist, I see.

I Am The Night

Batman: Sometimes, old friend, I wonder if I'm really doing any good out there.

Alfred: How can you doubt it? The lives you've saved, the criminals you've brought to justice-

Batman: I've put out a few fires, yes. But the war goes on, Alfred. On and on...

Almost Got 'Im

Joker: I want a nice clean game, gentlemen.

Penguin: That'll be a first. So, I hear 'you-know-who' nailed the Mad Hatter last week.

Joker: No kidding. He sure gets around for one guy.

Two-Face: Yeah, well that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.

Killer Croc: Huh?

Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of 'em stashed someplace like a SWAT team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but--

Joker: Meh. You're always seeing double.

Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.

Joker: Sure! He could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! (As Two-Face crushes a milk carton) Uh, no offence, Harv.

Two-Face: Just deal.

Killer Croc: You know what I think?

Joker: (Groans) Not the robot theory again.

Killer Croc: Well, he could be.

Two-Face: Poison Ivy.

Poison Ivy: It's been a long time, Harvey. You still looking half-way decent.

Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle you.

Poison Ivy: And what does the other half want?

Two-Face: To hit you with a truck.

Poison Ivy: (To the other villains) We used to date.

Penguin, Joker, Killer Croc: (Nodding) Ah.

Penguin: What brings such a dainty dove in this dismal den?

Poison Ivy: Running from the law and the Batman, too, of course.

Penguin: Of course.

Joker: Likewise.

Two-Face: You got it.

Killer Croc: Same here. You'd think one of us would have got him right now.

Penguin: I've come the closest.

Poison Ivy: Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly...

Two-Face: Nobody's come closer to snuffing the Batman than me.

[The villains, except Joker, argue who is the one almost got Batman. Joker whistles]

Joker: The fact, the matter is, we each have an 'Almost Got 'Im Batman' story. I know mine's the best, but let's hear yours anyway. I'd say, ladies first, but since we don't have any, we'll start with you, Pam!

Joker: Gee, that's too bad, Harv, but I guess you'll always come in second. Anybody else want to go?

Killer Croc: (Pounds table) ME! There I was, holed up in this quarry when Batman came nosing around. He was getting closer... closer...

Poison Ivy: And...?

Killer Croc: I threw a rock at him!

(Dead silence. All stare at Croc.)

Poison Ivy: So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny?

Killer Croc: (Deflated) It was a big rock...

Two-Face: They actually let him KEEP IT!

Killer Croc: (Shies away)

Harley Quinn: Live at Gotham! The man who'll put a smile on your face, whether you want it or not, it's the Joker!

Joker: Greetings, folks! I'm the Joker, living proof that you don't have to be crazy to get on television, but it helps! HA HA!

Killer Croc: Hey, I don't get it. You just knocked out Catwoman and left her?

Joker: Aww, c'mon, Crockers! Didn't I say there's more than one way to get someone? Even as I speak, Catwoman is being trussed at the Pussykins Petfood factory. First thing tomorrow I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman! HA HA HA!

Batman: [as Killer Croc] I don't think so.

[Batman throws Joker to a table]

Joker: Is it something I said?

[The light swings on its chain and briefly reveals Batman's silhouette.]

[Batman is revealed under the Killer Croc disguise. The villains point their weapons to him]

Penguin: Well, well, an imposter in our midst.

Poison Ivy: Risking everything to save your kitty, Batman?

Two-Face: You're not getting away.

Batman: [as Killer Croc] Maybe. [snaps fingers as the police force point their guns to the villains] But I'm not bad with traps myself.

Terror In The Sky

Batman: Reports of a huge bat creature the size of a man. Remind you of anybody?

Alfred: Present company excluded?

Christmas With The Joker

Joker: Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay! [he then jumps onto the giant Christmas Tree which is actually a rocket] Crashing through the roof! In a one-horse-open tree! Busting out I go! Laughing all the WHEEEEE! [the "rocket-tree" flies off into the distance as he sings]

Batman: The Joker's escaped from Arkham Asylum, Robin.

Robin: And you really think he's gonna make his move on Christmas Eve? Even scum spend the holidays with their families.

Batman: He has no family.

Robin: Okay, I'll make you a deal. If we go out on patrol and Gotham is quiet with no sign of the Joker, we come back here, have Christmas dinner, and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

Batman: Y'know, I've never seen that. I could never get past the title.

Robin: Doesn't it warm your heart to see everyone in the spirit of Christmas?

[Batman swings away without a word]

Robin: Well, "Bah, humbug" to you too!

Dick Grayson: You're gonna love It's a Wonderful Life; it's a great movie.

Bruce: [uneager] It's not relentlessly cheerful, is it?

Dick: No, it's about how much difference one man can make to a city. Sound familiar?

Joker: Live from Gotham City! The show that nobody wants to see, but everyone will watch! Yes, it's Christmas With The Joker!

Robin: I don't know, Batman. It seems to easy.

Batman: It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker: Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.

Laugh track: Yea!

Joker: And since I don't have one of my own...

Laugh track: Aww...

Joker: I decided to steal one!

Laugh track: Yea!

Joker: And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family! [lights turn on and reveal Gordon, Summer, and Bullock tied up and gagged] Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?

Batman: [watching in the Batmobile] It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker: Meet Daddy Lawful! [ungags Gordon]

Commissioner Gordon: You diseased maniac! I'll-- [Joker gags him again] mhmmphm!

Joker: Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful! [ungags Summer]

Summer Gleason: Help! Somebody please help us-- [Joker gags her again] mhmmphm!

Joker: Ho ho ho, isn't she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! [ungags Bullock]

Detective Bullock: When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your-- [Joker gags him again] mhmmphm!

Joker: I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them... if he can find them by midnight! Otherwise... [makes a throat-slashing motion and laughs]

[After Batman and Robin stop any occupied part of the train falling off the destroyed bridge]

Joker: [as Laughy] Bah, humbug! I hate Batman and Robin! [as himself] Then let's get rid of them!

[He blows up their doubles in his audience of cutouts; all the others are destroyed too, and cardboard falls down like snow]

Joker: [as Laughy] Oh, goody! Let's build a snowman!

Joker: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, live from the top of Mt. Gotham - the death of Batman!

Heart Of Steel Part 1

Alfred: (After learning about the AI project) Sounds as if the human race could become quite expendable, except for butlers, of course.

Batman: Of course.

Heart Of Steel Part 2

Randa: You have immobilized the maker.

HARDAC: His human imperfection endangers the plan. He must be improved upon.

HARDAC: The maker's concept was sound, but he did not go far enough - which is why I have taken over.

If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Rich?

Edward Nygma: (Being cheated out of the sales of his game) You are a fool, Mockridge, to think you can get away with this! Your amoral greed is no match for an intellect like mine!

Mockridge: Oh, yeah? Then tell me something, Eddie: if you're so smart, why aren't you rich?

Riddler: [to Batman] Well, well, well. Bat-something-or-other, isn't it? Who invited you? You know what happens to gatecrashers? They have to match wits with... the Riddler.

Riddler: Oh, and by the way, you'll have to answer the Riddle of the Minotaur, too!

Batman: I can't wait. How far did you say you got in the game?

Robin: I'm not sure. Maybe halfway?

Batman: Already I love this.

Batman: I'll find Mockridge if I have to tear this place apart, Nygma!

Riddler: I doubt it. I made sure the perils were quite lethal. You have eight minutes, gentlemen. Then Mockridge becomes the only good corporate shark: a dead one.

[Batman reprograms the Hand of Fate, and uses it to carry himself and Robin to the centre of the maze]

Riddler: That is grand-scale CHEATING, Batman! You're not allowed to tamper with the Hand of Fate!

Batman: I don't believe in fate!

Riddler: You probably don't believe in Minotaurs either, but you'll still have to answer the Riddle.

Minotaur Robot: I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscles, yet I move two hemispheres. What am I?

Batman: That's simple: the human brain.

[The Minotaur backs away]

Batman: It has billions of optic and auditory nerves, four lobes and two hemispheres, and it's the only thing Edward Nygma respects.

Joker's Wild

Poison Ivy: (as Joker changes the channel in the TV) Hey, I was watching that!

Joker: And now you're watching this!

Poison Ivy: Change it back!

Joker: Nope, nope, nope, nope, don't want to.

Poison Ivy: Guard!

Security Guard: What's the problem?

Joker: Don't look now, Sonny Jim, but the Plant Lady has gone whackers again.

Poison Ivy: He started it. I was just sitting here.

Joker: You hold my hand and I'll slug you.

Poison Ivy: Guard!

Joker: Just kidding, just kidding. Yeesh, Pammy, lighten up.

(Joker, enraged, smashes the TV)

Joker: How dare that smug, preening fool cash in on my image?!

Poison Ivy: Now, who should lighten up?

Joker: Don't get too cute with me, Red. He's ripping me off. I'll protest. Yeah, I'll sue! Then I'll rip his lungs out! And I will too!

Security Guard: Take it easy.

Joker: (pretending to be sick) I feel dizzy. Sick. Everything's spinning. I need a doctor.

Poison Ivy: Oh, Joker, thanks for the smile.

Joker: Step ride up and play everyone's favorite game: What's the Joker got in the pail? Maybe a deadly poison? Or just something to make the floor nice and slippery?

Joker: Jumpin' Jiminy Christmas! It's an homage to me! I'm kinda sorry I have to blow it up.

[Joker is posing as a blackjack dealer at a Joker-themed casino]

Joker: Try your luck, friend?

Bruce: Why not?

Joker: Hey, don't I know you? Sure! Bruce Wayne! So this is how your family made all those billions. Heh heh heh!

Bruce: The secret's out. And you are. . . ?

Joker: Just a nameless clown, shuffling my life away!

Bruce: Too bad it has to be in such gruesome surroundings.

Joker: Eh? (fumbles the cards) Don't care for the decor?

Bruce: Not hardly. All those horrible faces grinning at me. That would do things to my mind after awhile.

Joker: (mumbling) Who says you have one?

Bruce: Yeah, I'd be ready for the laughing academy if I had to stare at that ugly clown all day.

Joker: Why I oughta...

Bruce: Hit me.

(Joker deals Bruce a card and looks at his own)

Joker: Twenty!

Bruce: Oh! Lucky me! Twenty one! How nice. A little something for the Wayne charity fund. Good night.

(Bruce tosses a chip to Joker, who breaks it in anger)

Batman: He's counting on you to blow this place up so he can collect the insurance. By the time you get clear, Kaiser will be miles away laughing at you.

Joker: I hate it when you make sense!

His Silicon Soul

Rossum: You don't understand. You're not a man's mind in a robot's body. You're a robot. Period.

Bat-Duplicant: You're lying! It's not possible! I know my family and friends! I remember names, faces, birthdays! I have memories! A past!

Rossum: You have information. Data. Nothing more. Do you remember your first kiss? Your favorite song? The last time you tasted a really good steak?

Bat-Duplicant: No, but-

Rossum: Can you remember anything beyond cold, hard facts? Facts can be implanted, accessed from any number of sources.

Bat-Duplicant: I cannot function as the Batman until you are deactivated.

Batman: That's easier said than done.

Bat-Duplicant (Brandishing sword): How can you do this? HARDAC's goals are identical to your own!

Batman: How did you figure that?

Bat-Duplicant: Picture a world completely free of crime, free of suffering, free of frailty.

Batman: You mean free of choice? Compassion? Free of humanity?

Bat-Duplicant: YES!! (Swings sword)

Batman: You can't. HARDAC built you well.

(The Bat-Duplicant stuggles with himself, then reluctantly drops the sword)

Batman: Perhaps, even better than he could have imagined.

(Batman tries to overpower the Bat-Duplicate, but instead gets hit and teeters on the edge of a crevasse. The Bat-Duplicant tries to save him by grabbing the cape, but it tears apart and Batman falls to his apparent death)

Bat-Duplicant: Nooo! (Looks at the cloth in his hand) I-I've taken a life...

(The Bat-Duplicant walks to the main screen of the Bat-Computer, where HARDAC is about to realign)

Bat-Duplicant: I've killed a man! My city! My people! What have I done? (Pounds furiously against the keyboard and screen) Nooo!

Batman: Could it be he had a soul, Alfred? A soul of silicon, but a soul nonetheless.

Off Balance

Count Vertigo: The Batman! I suppose this had to happen sooner or later...

Talia: My contact lenses! I lost them when we fell! They counter the distortion effect. Without them, I'm as helpless as you.

Batman: I don't do helpless.

Ra's al Ghul: So even in defeat, the detective manages to achieve some small measure of victory. As you said, detective: this is not over.

What Is Reality?

Robin: Are you kidding? You're talking to the guy who solved the Baxter's Box puzzle in 37 seconds. 'course, this time I don't have a sledgehammer...

Riddler: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no tales. It all makes sense when you add it up!

[In the Batmobile]

Alfred: Four quarters and a penny, sir?

Batman: Penny... Penny... Cent... Red cent... Copper. It's made of copper.

Alfred: And "copper" is another name for a policeman.

Batman: And "no tails" would be heads. Police head... Quarters!

Alfred: Police Headquarters. Bravo, sir! It does make "cents" when you add it up!

Batman: You may control this world, Nygma, but I still control myself.

Riddler: The name is Riddler! Edward Nygma no longer exists! You may remember that he was fired by an ungrateful employer. That was a private matter and should have remained one!

Batman: Attempted homicide is never a private matter, Nygma.

Riddler: But it would've been if you hadn't interfered and made Nygma a criminal! So I deleted Nygma! Just like I'm going to delete you, Batman!

The Laughing Fish

Alfred: (Seeing Batman with a Joker Fish) Dining in tonight, sir?

Batman: (Sighs) The dissection tray, please... Alfred...

Batman: Normal criminals usually have logical motives. But the Joker's insane schemes make sense to him alone.

Francis: Great Scott!

Joker: Actually, I'm Irish.

(Alfred and Batman are in the Batcave examining one of the Joker's fish, when all of a sudden, a TV commercial comes on)

Harley Quinn: [singing] They're finny and funny and oh so delish! They're joyful and jolly Joker fish!

[Fade to a generic dining room, featuring two of the Joker's henchmen sitting at the table, dressed as small children, with Harley wearing an apron which reads "Kiss the Cook"]

Narrator (Joker): Say, Mom. Wondering what to feed the family tonight?

Harley: What'll I feed the family tonight?

[In walks the Joker, dressed as the Gorton's Fisherman]

Joker: [pirate's accent] Arrr! Try me famous Joker fish! There's Smiling Smelt! Giggling Grouper! And Happy Haddock!

Alfred: [to Batman] This could cause a stampede to pork!

Joker: Yummy-yum-yum! [takes a forkful of fish and holds it in front of Harley, who obviously doesn't like fish] Eat it!

Harley: Ummm, Mistah J?... I have this little...problem with fish--

[Joker shoves the forkful of fish into Harley's mouth]

Harley: [visibly disgusted] Yummy-yum-yum... [quickly runs out of frame]

Joker: Yes, friends, that's Joker fish! [Harley loudly retches off-camera] Tasty! Tempting! And of course...

Henchmen: [flatly] Naturally low in cholesterol.

Joker: Coming to your local store! [menacingly] Just as soon as that nasty ol' Mr. G. Carl Francis decides to give me my legal cut of the profits! I hope you've changed you've changed your mind, Francis, [holds up a clock] because I most certainly haven't changed mine. [laughs darkly]

Francis: Batman, why is this happening? I've never done anything to this Joker. I'm just a pencil pusher, I can't change the laws. I'm harmless!

Batman: And in his sick mind, that's the joke, Mr. Francis.

Batman: Feeling all right?

Francis: Oh, sure. It's just that everything's been so crazy today. I haven't even had time to rinse off that gunk the Joker's girl squirted on me...

Batman: GET THIS MAN TO A HOSPITAL! NOW!

Harley: Freeze, copper! I got you covered, see?

Bullock: Well, if it ain't laughing boy's little hench-wench. You're outgunned, sugar.

Harley: Do tell. (She fires her pistol, tying Bullock up)

Joker: If this lunch meat figured out where we are, Batman won't be far behind. And why spoil my sharky's digestion, when I can feed him bigger fish?

Harley: Eee-yuck! Again with the fish! I hate fish! (notices Joker's glare) Uh, no offense, Mr. J.

Joker: Poor Harley. This whole caper's been really tough on you, hasn't it?

Harley: Uh-huh...

Joker: Cheer up! You can be my very own little mermaid!

Harley: Ooh! (Joker shoves a fish head costume over her head and laughs) You're really sick, you know that, Boss?

Joker: (nodding) Mm-hmm!

Joker: You're right, Harley. Fish are disgusting. I think I'll start using my toxin on cattle. Joker Burgers! Hah! Talk about a "Happy Meal"!

Joker: (Joker hits Batman with a wrench) Meanwhile, back at the "wrench"! Since my sidesplitters don't tickle you, how about a skullsplitter?!

[The Joker has (apparently) been eaten by a shark]

Harley Quinn: Oh, my poor, poor puddin'!

Harvey Bullock: Come on, he was a demented, abusive, psychotic maniac.

Harley Quinn: Yeah. (sobs) I'm really gonna miss him!

Harley and Ivy

Poison Ivy: No man can take us prisoner! (Her tire suddenly blows out, forcing their car off the road)

Renee Montoya: (Holding a shotgun) Alright, ladies. Raise 'em.

The Man Who Killed Batman

Thug: Sid's taking on the Batman! The little weasel's got guts! No brains, but guts!

Bullock: (looking at Harley Quinn, disguised as Sid's attorney) Hey, don't I know you from someplace?
Harley: (Pauses, looks at Bullock) I think I served you a subpoena once... it was a small subpoena.

Joker: Without Batman, crime has no punchline.

Joker: Dear friends, today is the day the clown cried. And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream: the dream that he would one day take his ultimate victory over his most hated enemy. For it was Batman who made me the happy soul I am today. How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that! Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face, or an explosive whoopie cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile. But those dreams were dashed (starts getting angry) by the weaselly little gunsel witting in our midst. This pathetic, cowardly garnet probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the trail of slime this loser left behind him! This mound of diseased hyena filth who isn't fit to lick the dirt from my spats! (suddenly cheerful again) But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed, and it's time to look ahead, to a future filled with smiles. And I'll be smiling again, as soon as we take that man there, slap him in that box there, and roll him in that vat of acid there!

Sid: No! No! Help! This isn't funny anymore! Would it help if I said I was sorry? I'm really, really sorry!

Joker: (After sending Sid to his doom) Well, that was fun! Who's for Chinese?

Zatanna

Zatanna: What do you care about some leggy dame in nylons- or have I just answered my own question?

Zatanna (About Batman's mask) What happened that made you put this on?

Batman: A painful memory, and a promise.

Robin's Reckoning Part 1

Batman: (At the top of a building) All right, scumbucket. It's you, me and thirty stories. You're gonna tell me exactly what I want to know.

Batman: If you protect him, Stromwell, I'll be very... grumpy. You don't want to see me when I'm grumpy.

Robin's Reckoning Part 2

Tony Zucco: I'm not back in town five minutes - five minutes - and he's on my tail. You don't know the Bat. He don't let up! He's the dark angel of death, man, and he wants me!

[Robin is about to throw Tony Zucco off the pier]

Tony Zucco: No, don't! Please...

Batman: Robin! [walks up to him with a piece of wood as a cane] Enough, you can't let your emotions get the best of you.

Robin: Stuff your advice, Batman! You and your stone-cold heart! You never knew how I feel. HOW COULD YOU?!?! [Batman looks at him, Robin realizes what he said] Batman, I didn't mean to... I'm sorry.

Birds Of A Feather

Batman: Wherever you go, I'll be right behind you.

Penguin: Precisely where you belong.

Batman: He wasn't with them?

Penguin: That's right, you vulgar vigilante! In my day I associated with a much higher class of riff-raff!

Penguin: All I wanted from you, dearie, was a little friendship. That would have cost you nothing. But now you'll pay!

Penguin: It's true what they say: "Society is to blame". High Society.

Blind As A Bat

Penguin: Your aim appears to be a little off today, Batman. I don't think you could hit the broad side of a barn, let alone the broad side of this bird! You're blind as a bat. Sightless and helpless.

Batman: You've got one right.

Day Of The Samurai

[Batman swoops away after rescuing his Sensei's student, Kairi]

Kairi: [In Japanese] Spirit of the bat...

See No Evil

Lloyd Ventrix: See you 'round, Batman! Too bad you can't say the same!

Ventrix: Helen, please! Cut me some slack here, will ya? I'll give you anything you want!

Helen: Want? All I want is for you to disappear!

Ventrix: Okay, okay... but just remember the old saying: Be careful what you wish for.

Homeless Man: (Sees Batman clinging to an invisible car) I didn't know he could fly, too!

Batman: Ventrix, the suit! It's poison!

Ventrix: So what if it is?! I don't care! As long as I have it, I can take my daughter back whenever I want! Her mother won't stop me, AND NEITHER WILL YOU!

The Demon's Quest Part 1

Ra's al Ghul: As Napoleon told me, "A strong will can fuel a frail physique."

The Demon's Quest Part 2

Ra's al Ghul: At the moment when sun and moon are in proper alignment to cause the greatest upheaval in Earth's geomagnetic field, I shall send a signal to that satellite, beginning a countdown. Five minutes thereafter, one bomb will be lowered deep into the heart of each pit. The satellite will in turn relay a microwave signal that will detonate all the bombs simultaneously. The multiple explosions will result in a global chain reaction. All the Lazarus pits throughout the world will overflow. The globe will be saturated with their chemical solution, and when the resultant cataclysm has abated, there will come a blessed peace, and this poor, defiled planet shall find itself restored to its former pristine glory.

Batman: But that will cost countless lives!

Ra's al Ghul: Actually, Detective, we have counted: Two billion, fifty-six million, nine hundred and eighty-six thousand! A most impressive plan, wouldn't you agree?

Batman: Yes... I can see it clearly now for the first time. You are completely out of your mind.

Read My Lips

Batman: And if I tell?

Scarface: Maybe you just get run over by a truck.

Fire From Olympus

Stavros: Please! It's not what you think. I wasn't going to say anything. Honest!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: Silence! First, you transgress against me. Then, you force me to descend to the mortal plane. And now, you tell me I know not what I think?!

Stavros: No!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: To the depths of Tartarus with you!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: You bore me with these tales of petty human concerns.

Clio: [annoyed] You're doing it again, Max.

Maximillian "Maxie" Zeus: You are Clio, my muse of history. Amuse me with tales of ancient times when mortals trembled at the name of Zeus.

Clio: You want a story? I got one. Seems there was this guy named Max who, because he'd been lucky so far in the smuggling racket, believed himself to be untouchable, superior, godlike...

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: There's a cynical edge to your voice I don't appreciate. Know you not, I am above mortal constraints of right and wrong?

Clio: No one is above the law, Max.

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: I make my own laws!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: (As the Batwing rises to the top of Maxie's skyscraper) Like the shadow of ebon-winged night, he rises from the dark realm. Behold, the coming of my brother: Lord Hades!

Maximillian "Maxie" Zeus: Begone, Lord Hades! Get thee back to thy own realm. Do not come again to Olympus until bidden!

Batman: I think I get the message.

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: (Being wheeled into Arkham) Now this is truly Olympus! Surely it can be no other place. (Passes Poison Ivy) There's beautiful Demeter, goddess of the harvest! (Passes Two-Face) And double-faced Janus, lord of beginnings and endings! (Passes Joker, who smears his tongue against the glass) And merry Hermes! The trickster of the gods! (Is finally dropped off in his dark, leaky cell) Now, at last, mighty Zeus is home!

Shadow Of The Bat Part 1

Barbara Gordon: So Batman can't help me? Fine. Let's see what Batgirl can do!

Shadow Of The Bat Part 2

Two-Face: Don't get wise with me, Mason. Remember who got you set up as Gordon's assistant?

Gil Mason: Right, Harvey, right.

Two-Face: [grabs him] Don't call me that! It's Two-Face to you, pretty boy!!

Batman: I don't know who you are or why you're doing this, but let's get one thing straight: It takes more than a costume and an attitude to do this work.

Gordon: [in a prison cell] If I ever get re-instated, Bullock, remind me to do something about the food in here.

Robin: Think she made it?

Batman: I hope so.

Robin: Think we'll make it?

[Gil Mason is about to murder James Gordon to become commissioner, and later mayor]

Gil Mason: It's business, Jim. Nothing personal. Matter of fact, I respect you, I do. But a fellow has to take his opportunities where he finds them. And with you out of the way, I'll be mayor inside of a year!

Gordon: You're sick, Gil! [glances at Two-Face] A lot sicker than him! At least I can see his bad half!

Mason: Sorry you feel that way. At least you won't have to worry about Barbara. I'll take good care of her. She's very fond of me, you know.

Gordon: You piece of scum!! I may not be able to stop you, but I know someone who will!

Mason: I wouldn't get your hopes up. You see, there's been a recent decline in the bat population...

[After Two-Face is immobilised under a giant coin]

Gordon: There's a first: a coin flips Two-Face!

Mason: Now let's see who you really are! (Removes Batgirl's mask and finds an enraged Barbara Gordon) Barbara?! I didn't know it was you!

Barbara Gordon: Would it have made a difference, Gil?

Mudslide

Clayface: [After civilians flee in terror upon seeing his true form] That's right, run! Run for your measly lives! Run from Clayface!

Clayface: You've upstaged me for the last time, Batman. Time to bring down the curtain!

Clayface: Think, Stella! Do you want Matt Hagen, or this?!

Clayface: Stella!

The Worry Men

Veronica: If ever someone led a worry-free life, it's you, Bruce Wayne.

Mad Hatter: (preparing a guillotine) As the great Lewis Carroll said: "One, two, one, two, and through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"

Paging The Crime Doctor

Thorne: You think you iced the Batman, huh? Heh heh heh... Not on your best day, Jake! I'd cover my back if I were you.

House and Garden

Batman: She's done nothing more incriminating than return an overdue video - even paid the late fee.

Alfred: Could it be Ivy truly has reformed?

Batman: I want to believe it. Why can't I?

Batman: For what it's worth, I believed when she said that, for the first time in her life, she was happy.

Sideshow

Billy: Why Croc? Why'd you turn on us like that? We couldv'e helped you. We could've done something.

Killer Croc: You said you could be yourself out here remember? Well, I guess that's what I was doing. Being myself.

Avatar

Bruce: You've got a serious priority problem, Ra's. What can be in that tomb that's more valuable than the love of your daughter?

Ra's Al Ghul: Power, detective.

Trial

Van Dorn: You want to support law and order? You take off that mask and put on a uniform.

Two-Face: Basic fifty-fifty option. You get him off, you both go free. He goes down, you take the fall with him.

Hatter: Amusing idea, what? Kidnapping you to be Batman's attorney?

Two-Face: Personally, I suggested a quick slug between the eyes... but I lost the coin toss.

Scarface: Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury.

Hatter: Hang him!

Harley: Shoot him!

Killer Croc: Hit him with a rock!

Scarface: And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!

Joker: GUILTY!

Hatter: Oop! I'd like that last statement stricken from the record, please!

Joker: Record? Is someone supposed to be writing this down?

Scarface: (To the Joker, who is shooting at random) Stop! You'll hit Croc!

Joker: What's your point?

Van Dorn: I used to believe Batman was responsible for you people but now I see nearly everyone here would have ended up exactly the same, Batman or not. Oh, the gimmicks might be different, but you'd all be out there in some form or another, bringing misery to Gotham. The truth is, you created him.

Hatter: Your Honor, in light of Ms. Van Dorn's stirring defense, we have no choice but to find the accused... not guilty.

Van Dorn: Amazing!

Joker: [applauding] Well done, Counselor! You've proved that Batman didn't create us after all. That we, in fact, messed up our own rotten lives. And as we are so rotten, vile and depraved... we're going to waste you anyway. A-bi, a-bi, a-bi, that's all, folks! (gavels) Let's mambo!

Van Dorn: I see now there's a need for the things you do. But I'm still going to work toward a city that doesn't need Batman.

Batman: Me, too.

Harlequinade

Batman: The Joker will be extra cautious this time. We'll have to think like him... or recruit someone who does.

Harley: Look, Bats. When I was a doctor I was always listening to other people's problems. Then I met Mister J, who listened to me for a change and made everything fun.

Batman: You think it's funny when he hurts people?

Harley: It's just a joke.

Batman: Hope you're still laughing when it's your turn.

Harley: Ha! And here you thought I was just another bubble-headed-blonde-bimbo! Well the joke's on you, I'm not even a real blonde!

Robin: It's lucky you were here, Harley. The countdown sequence didn't leave Joker enough time to swing by Arkham and pick you up.

Joker: Quiet, brat.

Harley: You were going to come back for me, weren't you, puddin'?

Joker: Of course, pumpkin pie! It's just that, uh... here you are! So I can... save myself a trip!

Harley: But what about all our friends! Ivy, and Two-Face and... Hat-Guy and... Lizard Man and... Puppet-Head...

Joker: What about them?

Batman: Don't forget your little pets!

Harley: The babies! We can't leave the babies!

Joker: I'll buy you a goldfish! Let's go!

Harley: No!

Joker: Why you little-

Harley: (Hits Joker and runs toward Batman) You know, Bats, I got a crazy idea Mister J may not be the guy for me after all!

Bane

Thorne: You almost didn't get paid. You're lucky these diamonds didn't get nabbed in the smuggling bust.

Bane: No, Mr. Thorne. You are the lucky one. (He punches the punching bag across the room)

Bane: I will observe the Bat in action, and when I understand how he thinks and fights, I will break him.

Killer Croc: Come on in, Batman, the water's fine.

Bane: (Punches through the wall) He is mine to destroy, monster!

Croc: Over my dead body.

Bane: As you wish.

Batman: He trashed my car, Alfred. Between a couple of guys, that's real personal.

Batman: A chemical plan to create super-soldiers out of hardened prisoners. It was abandoned when they got more than they bargained for.

Alfred: And what was that, sir?

Batman: They got Bane.

Bane: Toys. You try to fight me with pathetic little toys. You've got nothing! Beg for mercy! SCREAM MY NAME!

Batman: Never.

Bane: You are beaten! Now I will break you!

Bane: (after knocking out Robin) You have courage for one so small. You could yet be of use to me.

Second Chance

Batman: You're your own worst enemy, Harvey.

Two-Face: No - I'm your worst enemy.

Riddler's Reform

Riddler: He's right, you know.

Thug: Who?

Riddler: Batman. He is going to catch me... sooner or later.

Thug: Gee, boss, you're scaring me. You're talking kinda crazy.

Riddler: DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT! I fooled the police, the doctors, the Parole Board - all of them! There's only one person who's ever been able to challenge me: Batman! He's the only one worthy of the game!

Thug: But you said sooner or later he's gonna catch you. What are you gonna do?

Riddler: I'm never going back to Arkham! So I guess there's only one thing to do!

Riddler: Hello, Batman. This is it: the end of the game. I'm a little sad, actually. You were a worthy opponent, but then... I told you I'd make a killing at the Toy Fair!

Riddler: It's impossible, I tell you! Impossible! My trap was perfect! How did he do it?! I have to know! Somebody tell me! It's not fair! There was no way, I tell you! No way he could have gotten out! SOMEBODY TELL ME! DO YOU HEAR ME?! SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW HE DID IT!! I HAVE TO KNOW!! I HAVE TO KNOOOOOOOOOW!!!

Baby Doll

Baby Doll: [repeated line] I didn't mean to.

Robin: I remember this show from when I was a kid. It still stinks.

Robin: (Watching episodes of Baby Doll's old TV show) You remember when Poison Ivy had us tangled up in those vines? The ones with the REALLY big thorns?

Batman: Yes.

Robin:(Gestures at TV) This is worse.

Batman: Don't run away! I know you're scared. Confused. I can help you!

Baby Doll: Liar, liar, cape on fire!

(Baby Doll aims her gun at Batman in a fun house tunnel maze)

Baby Doll: Game's over, Mr. Batman! I WIN!

(Batman throws a Batarang, knocking the doll-gun down a slide)

Baby Doll: No fair!

(She runs to retrieve it, and stumbles into a room full of fun-house mirrors. She picks up the gun, wandering through the various distorted reflections, until she comes to one that shows her as an adult)

Baby Doll (her voice now deep and mature): Look! That's me in there! The real me! There I am!

(She touches the reflection, and her face changes)

Baby Doll: ...But it's not really real, is it? Just...made-up and pretend, like my family, and my life, and everything else!

(Turns to face Batman, who stands behind her)

Baby Doll: Why couldn't you just let me MAKE-BELIEVE?

(She fires the gun wildly, aiming at reflections of Batman and shattering the mirrors. When she finally turns to the one that contains her adult image, her eyes fill with tears as she shoots and destroys it. As Batman approaches her, she sobs like a little girl, firing the now-empty gun)

Baby Doll (clutching Batman's leg and crying): ...I didn't mean to...

Harley's Holiday

Scarecrow: I am the Master of Fear! The Lord of Despair! Cower before me in witless terror!

Harley: Hi, Professor Crane!

Scarecrow: (Smiling quietly) Good evening, child. (To Batman and Robin, furiously) Worship me, you fools! Worship me! Scream hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow, the all-terrible God of Fear!! (Guards take him away)

Robin: I think he's getting better.

Harley: Hey, don't I know you?

Bruce: I don't think so...

Harley: (Covers Bruce's upper face with her hand) Something about that chin... I know! (Pauses) You're Bruce Wayne! The boy billionaire!

[General Vreeland, Detective Bullock and Boxy Bennett all corner Harley at once]

Vreeland: I've got you now...

Bullock: ... You screwy little...

Bennett: ... Trouble-making clown!

Harley: I'M HAVING A BAD DAY! I'm sick of people trying to shoot me, run me over and blow me up! I didn't even get to keep my new dress - and I actually paid for it!

Harley: I think I made a mess on your cape.

Harley: There's one thing I gotta know. Why'd ya stay with me all day? Risking your butt for someone who's never given you anything but trouble?

Batman: I know what its like to try and rebuild a life. (Hands Harley the dress she bought) I had a bad day too... once.

Harley: [smiles] Nice guys like you shouldn't get bad days.

Make 'Em Laugh

Dispatcher: Disturbance reported at the top of the Crown restaurant. Suspect is a male costumed extremist armed with what appears to be a... ketchup gun.

Batman: It's going to be one of those nights.

Condiment King: So long, suckers! Parting is such sweet-and-sour sorrow. (Batman yanks away his loot bag) What's this? Ah! The big bad Bat-guy. I knew you'd ketchup to me sooner or later. How I relished this meeting. You, the dynamic Dark Knight, versus me, the conceptual Condiment King! Come, Batman. Let's see if you can cut the mustard.

Batman: Quiet! (He punches the King in the stomach)

Condiment King: (Slumps to ground, gasping) You hit me!

Joker: These little microchips are a wonder! Remind me to thank the Mad Hatter... if he ever wakes up.

Batman: You've hit a new low, Joker. Only you would ruin three lives for a silly piece of tin.

Joker: You're dumber than you look, Bats. It's not the trophy that matters, it's the title! I am the greatest clown this dismal burg has ever seen! What would the common folk do without my pranks and antics?

Batman: Let's find out!

Batgirl Returns

Catwoman: Bats are just mice with wings, little girl.

Batgirl: So, what are you going to do? Leave us over one of these vats with acid burning through the rope?

Daggett: (Laughs) If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you crime-fighting types are very resourceful. So, I'll just have my men shoot you and throw your bodies in the vats.

Batgirl: If you let him fall, you're no better than he is.

Catwoman: Oh, grow up!

Lock-Up

Scarecrow: Don't take me back there, please! Look at me, Batman! I'm shaking with fear! Me! The Scarecrow! I wasn't even going back to crime this time! I just had to get away from... him!

Lyle Bolton: I'll take it from here, Batman. Lyle Bolton, Chief of security. Congratulations, Professor Crane. You're the first inmate to escape Arkham under my charge. (He grabs Crane by the collar; Crane whimpers) You're also the last.

Bartholomew: Ms. Quinn? Do you have any complaints against Mr. Bolton?

[Lyle Bolton sneers threateningly at Harley]

Harley Quinn: I got nothing to say.

Bartholomew: But surely you must have something you wish to--

Harley Quinn: You got a hearing problem or something?! NO! NADA! IXNAY! ZERO! ZILCH! BUPKES! NOTHING! OKAY?!

...

Bartholomew: It's all right. I promise, you can speak freely here.

[Bolton sneers at Ventriloquist and Scarface]

Ventriloquist: Mr. Bolton? He's a--

Scarface: A hard worker! A real stand-up guy. No complaints here, chief.

...

Bartholomew: Professor Crane, you've been sitting here for ten minutes. Don't you have anything to say?

Scarecrow: No, sir.

Lyle Bolton: And yet yours was the loudest voice of protests. You must have some misgivings about my methods?

[Pause]

Scarecrow: It seems I was mistaken.

Bruce: Well, then. Based on today's testimony, I propose extending Mr. Bolton's contract for an additional eighteen months.

[The villains are shocked]

Ventriloquist: No, you can't! You don't know what he's doing to us!

Scarface: Shaddup! Don't listen to jerk-face here, he don't know what he's sayin'!

Harley Quinn: No! It's all true! If we don't speak up now, we'll never get another chance! He threatens us! Takes away our privileges, even when we're good!

Lyle Bolton: We've heard enough of this nonsense.

Scarecrow: He says scum like us should be kept in line! That's why he chains us down at night and electrifies our doors!

Scarface: He held me over a can of termites! Ya hear me?! TERMITES!

Harley Quinn: He's an animal!

Ventriloquist: A monster!

Scarecrow: Keep him away!

Lyle Bolton: [loses it] SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!

[Bolton tries to attack the villains, but is eventually restrained]

Lyle Bolton: You're all scum! You should be beaten within an inch of your misbegotten lives!

Batholomew: I've seen enough! Lyle Bolton, you're dismissed!

[Bolton is slowly forced out]

Lyle Bolton: Before I came here, Arkham was a revolving door of every maniac in Gotham. I kept them in. Me! Now I realize I was wrong to punish those pathetic miscreants! THEY'RE ONLY SYMPTOMS! YOU'RE THE CAUSE! THE GUTLESS POLICE, MINDLESS BUREAUCRATS AND CODDLING DOCTORS! YOU SHOULD ALL BE LOCKED UP IN A CAGE WITHOUT A KEY!!!

Bullock: Just what this town needs. Another psycho in a Halloween costume.

Robin: Another fine villain brought to via a grant from the Wayne Foundation. (Batman glares at him) Sorry.

Deep Freeze

Batman: Men like Walker are obsessed with getting their own way. And they don't let little things like the law stop them.

Grant Walker: Do you realise that in your half-frozen state, you will age more slowly than an ordinary human? You're practically immortal, my friend!

Mr. Freeze: Yes, eternal life trapped in this wretched shell! What a miserable joke.

Grant Walker: Miserable to you, but a godsend to me. Look at me, Mr. Freeze, I'm an old man. I've created wonders in my lifetime, but there is still so much to do! I want to change as you have. To become, like you, a being of blessed, eternal cold.

Mr. Freeze: You're insane.

Grant Walker: Only you know how to duplicate the accident that made you what you are. What I long to become!

Mr. Freeze: (grabs him) You want to live like this? Abandoned and alone? A prisoner in a world you can see but never touch? (drops him and turns away) Old and infirm as you are, I'd trade a thousand of my frozen years for your worst day.

Grant Walker: This is my dream, my vision! I cheated death to make it real, and you won't stop me!

Mr. Freeze: You may live forever, Grant Walker, but your mad dream dies now. (Freezes him)

The Terrible Trio

Warren: Is this all you do for kicks, Bruce? Charity work?

Bruce: Well, I do have a night life.

Showdown

Sheriff: Well, well. Jonah Hex his own bad self. Been here five minutes and you ain't killed nobody nor set nothin' on fire. Slippin' ain't you?

Jonah Hex: I'm still a little bushed.

Sheriff: Fact is, you look a little past it, Hex. Not tired, just all used up.

Hex: Well, when I get pushed, I can still shoot a fly out from between its wings. Provided the right lights, of course, and it's a big plump fly.

Catwalk

Catwoman: What a pleasant surprise. Though I should warn you - breaking and entering is against the law.

Batman: You should know.

Scarface: I thawt I thaw a putty tat!

Ventriloquist: Please, I never hurt you. Scarface, he's another person. Not me, really.

Catwoman: But he's inside you. Somewhere. And I'm going to keep scratching until I find him.

A Bullet For Bullock

Alfred: We are speaking of the same person, are we not? Harvey Bullock? The detective who looks like an unmade bed?

Montoya: Bullock? You okay? You don't look so good. I mean, you never look good, but today you look worse.

Bullock: [to Batman] By the way... I still think you're a freak, but thanks.

The Lion And The Unicorn

Red Claw: Londoners, your ancient city may pride itself on having survived plagues, fires, even the Blitz, but unless five billion pounds are delivered to me by midnight tonight, there will be nothing left to survive. We have Blairquan Castle and its missile installation, and the codes to operate the missiles. You have one hour. Otherwise, I'll be forced to plant this warhead in the middle of Trafalgar Square, and if I do that, well... (Chuckles) God save the Queen.

[Alfred breaks a chair over a thug's head.]

Robin: And here all I thought you dusted was furniture.

Alfred: A Louis Quinze; what a pity.

Quoternity