Batman (TV series) Quotations

Batman was a television series featuring Adam West as the eponymous Caped Crusader and Burt Ward as his faithful sidekick Robin. This version of the long-running DC Comics story was done in campy style, with extraordinarily (and literally) colorful characters and settings, dialog played for laughs, and fight scenes famous for their comic-book "Bam!", "Pow!", "Zap!", and other graphical exclamations.

Hi Diddle Riddle [1.01]

Commissioner Gordon: I don't know who he is beneath that mask of his, but I know when we need him, and we need him now!

Robin: Gosh, if I could just figure out that riddle. Why can't I get it?

Batman: Maybe your mind's on that cute little teenager who waved to you on the way across town, eh?

Robin: Awww, come on, Batman.

Smack in the Middle [1.02]

Riddler: Did you hear about Greta Garbo? She dreamed one night she sprinkled 6 boxes of grass seed in her hair, and woke up moaning: "I vant to be a lawn!"

Batman: The joke's on you, Riddler!

Robin: When is a donkey spelled with 1 letter?! When it's "U"!

The Joker Is Wild [1.05]

The Joker: [laughing] And now people of Gotham City, the moment you have all been waiting for. [Continuously Laughing] The grand finale!; The climax of my performance! The zenith of my career! The unmasking of Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder!

Instant Freeze [1.07]

Batman: Mr. Freeze, give yourself up. We can get help for you... medical help!

Mr. Freeze: In prison? This I do not believe. No, you must PAY for what you did to me, for forcing me to live like this: never again to know the warmth of a summer breeze, never to feel the heat of burning logs in vintertime! Revenge. That is what I need! Revenge! I will have revenge!

Batman: Poor devil...forced to live in an air-conditioned suit that keeps his body temperature down to 50 degrees below zero! No wonder his mind is warped.

A Riddle a Day Keeps the Riddler Away [1.11]

Mousey: Gee, I've never met royalty before! It's pretty thrilling!

Riddler: Royalty? You've never met royalty? And just whom do you think stands before you, my cherub? I am The Prince Of Puzzlers, The Count Of Conundrums, The King Of Crime! I hold court here, no one else!!!

When the Rat's Away the Mice Will Play [1.12]

Riddler: So many people have tried...The Penguin, Mr. Freeze, The Joker, all masters of their craft, granted, but I, only I have succeeded in ridding Gotham's criminal kingdom of The Dynamic Duo!

Riddler: Rats, I am a man of a few words, but a man of many Riddles, so riddle me this: what is it that is always coming, but never arrives?! [No one answers] Quickly, quickly!

Fangs: Uh, we ain't tuned in on the Riddle bit, chief!

Mousey: Yeah! We give up! What is it that is always coming, but never arrives?

Riddler: Tomorrow.

Whitey: Tomorrow?

Riddler: Tomorrow. For when it arrives, it is today, and today, my dear rodents, should prove to be most memorable!

The Thirteenth Hat [1.13]

Henchman: Many others have tried killing Batman.

Mad Hatter: Many others do not have the lethal equipment of my hat factory.

He Meets His Match, the Grisly Ghoul [1.16]

Robin: Holy Benedict Arnold---Suzie! Chief cheerleader, a member of The Joker's criminal gang!

Joker: [laughing] Have a sneeze on me, Batman!

[Joker administers sneezing powder upon Batman, which has no effect.]

Batman: No use, Joker! I knew you'd employ your sneezing powder, so I took an Anti-Allergy Pill! Instead of a sneeze, I've caught you cold!

True or False-Face [1.17]

Henchman: Three cheers for False Face!

Henchmen: Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

False Face: Thanks. I know you didn't mean it.

----------

False Face: The Express will be here inside of five minutes, Batman. Inside of six, no more Batman!

Robin: Fiend!!

Batman: False Face, you'll regret this!......eventually.

Better Luck Next Time [1.20]

[Catwoman is about to feed Robin to a tiger.]

Robin: Catwoman, you are not a nice person.

The Penguin Goes Straight [1.21]

Robin: When we put the fake jewels in Miss Starr's safe and take the real ones out, we could be nailed as crooks.

Batman: That's a chance we have to take, Robin. In our well-ordered society, protection of private property is essential.

Robin: Yes, you're right, Batman. That's the keystone to all law and order.

Narrator: Great Scott, Alfred! Have you forgotten? Batman told you to switch cigarette holders with the Penguin! You're meant to palm off the trick one with the tiny super-powered transmitter inside! Quick, before it's too late! Create that diversion!

Not Yet, He Ain't [1.22]

[Batman and Robin jump into the Penguin Protection Agency, Batman growling]

Penguin: Well, the costumed crooks! The dressed-up desperadoes!

Batman: Your super-brain power has driven us *mad*, Penguin!

Robin: Something snapped!

Batman: We don't care if we go up the river for a hundred years, we're getting you first!!

Penguin: Quick, my finks! Self-defense! The dynamic duo has flipped their wings!

Penguin: Back from the grave, you tricksters, eh?!

Robin: Back to send you on a honeymoon cruise, Penguin...up the river to the pen!

Batman: "Gone straight," huh?!

Robin: We'll straighten you out!!

The Ring of Wax [1.23]

Riddler: If they want a life-like replica of their precious Batman for the Wax Museum, we'll give it to them. We'll even throw in a dividend. Robin!

Batman: You fiend!

Riddler: Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.

Riddler: For two people about to become human candles, you ask a lot of questions!

Batman: I'm always interested in the way of the criminal mind.

Give 'em the Axe [1.24]

Moth: Oh, Batman. Moth has learned her lesson, really she has. Crime doesn't pay!

Batman: Unfortunately you've learned your lesson too late, Moth. A moth who flies around candles is liable to get burned.

Bruce: Most Americans don't realize what we owe to the ancient Incas. Very few appreciate they gave us the white potato and many varieties of Indian corn.

Dick: Now whenever I eat mashed potatos, I for one will think of the Incas.

The Joker Trumps an Ace [1.25]

[Batman and Robin are on a golf course in the Batmobile.]

Robin: Let's get going and make an emergency bat-turn!

Batman: Not this time, old chum. Have to think of the golfers. The retro-rockets would burn up the course for a hundred yards.

The Curse of Tut [1.27]

King Tut: [to Nefertiti] How many times must I tell you?! Queens consume nectar and ambrosia, not hot dogs!

The Bookworm Turns [1.29]

Dick [after seeing Commissioner Gordon apparently shot to death on TV]: Holy homicide! Tell me I'm having a nightmare!

Bruce: Steady, Dick. It happened all right.

Dick: Commissioner Gordon - killed!

Bruce: This is one time we don't wait for the Batphone!

Robin: [about Lydia Limpet] Gosh, Batman, those look like honest eyes.

Batman: Never trust the old chestnut, "Crooks have beady little eyes". It's false.

While Gotham City Burns [1.30]

Batman: Don't interrupt! I'm trying to fathom the sub-conscience of a deadly criminal!

The Riddler's False Notion [1.32]

Robin: Holy molars! Am I ever glad I take good care of my teeth!

Batman: True. You owe your life to dental hygiene.

Riddler [holding up Van Jones]: Mr. Van Jones, why are you like a clock at midnight? Answer: because both your hands are goin' straight up right now!

Batman: the Movie (1966)

Miss Kitka: When I close my eyes, I imagine a world at peace.

Bruce: That's strange... when I close my eyes, I imagine something quite astonishingly different.

Robin: A giant cake of foam rubber! What are the chances?

Batman: I'd say the odds against it would make even the most reckless gambler cringe!

Shoot a Crooked Arrow [2.01]

Batman: He's from Philadelphia.

Dick Clark: How did you know?

Batman: You dipped your diphthong. People from Philidelphia are known for that.

Hot Off the Griddle [2.03]

Catwoman: I'm not just pussyfooting around this time, Batman!

The Cat and the Fiddle [2.04]

Jack O'Shea: Let's can the gab-a-thon and throw this rascal out!

Robin: I might've known you were involved! A person like you could give a bad name to gossip columnists!

Catwoman: Batman, you saved my life!

Batman: It was the least I could do.

Catwoman: How can I ever combat you again after all you've done for me?

Batman: Let's hope it never comes to that, Catwoman, because, in the end, veracity and rectitude always triumph.

Catwoman: Batman...are you spoken for?

Batman: Huh?

Catwoman: Married, engaged, or going steady?

Batman: My crimefighting leaves me little time for social engagements.

Catwoman: Boy...have I got a girl for you!

The Spell of Tut [2.07]

Robin: But what is it?

Batman: Saribus Sacer. A species of ancient Egyptian beetle, sacred to the Sun God, Hymeopolos. And from which the term scarab is derived. But, you should know that, Robin, if you are up on your studies of Egyptology.

Robin: You're right.

Batman: I know. Hieroglyphics self-taught are a chore, Robin; but, it is a surefire way to unravel the secrets of the ancient mystics.

Tut's Case Is Shut [2.08]

[Chief O'Hara leads away King Tut, who is back in his persona of Professor McElroy]

King Tut: I'm a professor at Yale! You can't-! The PTA shall hear of this!....

Ma Parker [2.10]

Batman: Ma Parker's girl is more dangerous than her three boys.

Robin: Her legs sort of reminded me of Catwoman's.

Batman: You're growing up, Robin. Remember, in crime-fighting always keep your sights raised.

Dick: Gosh Bruce, Greek is still Greek to me.

Aunt Harriet: It's Greek to a lot of Greeks too. It's one of the world's oldest, most important, most beautiful languages.

Dick: It may be, Aunt Harriet, but can't we take a breather and work out in the gym for a while?

Aunt Harriet: But the mind needs excercise too, Dick.

Dick: Well, my mind is getting muscle-bound.

Bruce: Ahhh, there is an old saying, Dick. A sound mind and a sound body. A worthy goal.

The Clock King's Crazy Crimes [2.11]

Clock King: Some people kill time, but this time, time is going to kill you!

Robin: I am a little hungry.

Batman: Of course, Robin. Even crime-fighters must eat. And especially you. You're a growing boy and you need your nutrition.

The Clock King Gets Crowned [2.12]

Clock King: No! It can't be true! You're dead! You have to be dead!

Robin: Maybe we're living on borrowed time!

An Egg Grows in Gotham [2.13]

Robin: Prepare yourself for an eggs peditious defeat!

Batman: Very apt, Robin.

Robin: Oh. Glad you liked it.

Robin: "Ghoti" is "fish"?

Batman: See here. English phonetics. GH becomes F, as in "tough" or "laugh". O becomes I as in "women". TI becomes SH as in "ration" or the word "nation".

Robin: Holy semantics, Batman. You never cease to amaze me!

Batman: No time for compliments, Robin. We must thwart some criminals. To the Batmobile!

The Yegg Foes in Gotham [2.14]

Chief Screaming Chicken: My face is so red!

Egghead: Woe is me. My criminal career is now eggstinct!

Batman: Foolish, evil man!

Robin: You're going to go where all the broken eggshells end up: in the garbage!

The Dead Ringers [2.16]

Robin: Holy Metronome! What a fate--punched into player-piano rolls!

Batman: True, Robin, scarcely an end I'd rather anticipate! Life--a cupful of surprises to the last drop!

Robin: Self-control is sure tough sometimes, Batman!

Batman: "All virtues are, old chum. Indeed, that's why they're virtues.

Hizzonner the Penguin [2.17]

Penguin: [to his election crew] Plenty of girls and bands and slogans and lots of hoopla, but remember, no politics. Issues confuse people!

Penguin: That Batman won't garner enough votes to become elected dogcatcher!

Penguin: [leaving the Dynamic Duo hanging just above a sulphuric acid deathtrap] Citizen Pengie to the rescuuuue!

Dizzonner the Penguin [2.18]

Robin: [to Batman, after falling in, but surviving, the sulphuric acid deathtrap] "Good thing we just got these new acid-proof suits, Batman!"

Green Ice [2.19]

Robin: Gosh Batman, dig those flavors; Lemon-Lime, Orange, Raspberry, Pineapple...

Mr. Freeze: Pick your choice, Boy Wonder!

---------

Mr. Freeze [recurring line]: Wild!

Marsha, Queen of Diamonds [2.23]

Narrator: Watch out, Batman! The powers of darkness lurk in this room!

Robin: [to Marsha] Batman's never rude to a lady. But you're no lady.

Come Back, Shame [2.25]

Shame: I'll tell the world you died with your Bat-boots on! [laughs maniacally]

It's the Way You Play the Game [2.26]

Robin: But he knows that we know about his hideout there!

Batman: Correct! However, knowing that, he'd think that we'd think he would not return there, therefore he did and so will we!

----------

Laughing Leo: You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you?

Batman: You're not wearing glasses.

Laughing Leo: I'm not?

[Batman slugs Laughing Leo]

Batman: Laugh that off, Leo!

The Penguin's Nest [2.27]

Robin: It sure is a shame, Batman. A restaurant with such terrific chow turning out to be a mere front for some criminal scheme.

Batman: Look at it this way, Robin. That $100 cover charge is pretty stiff. Penguin's "terrific chow" is hardly within the budget of the average worker.

Robin: Gosh yes, you're right, Batman. All the needy people in the world, all the hungry children.

Batman: Good thinking, Robin.

The Bird's Last Jest [2.28]

Chickadee [holding her umbrella-gun to Aunt Harriet's head]: Batman! Stop or I blow the lady's brains out! Batman!

[Alfred pops out of the giant pie and tries to wrestle the gun out of Chickadee's hands. Harriet smashes a vase on Chickadee's head, knocking her out]

Alfred: Well hit, madam!

[Harriet faints]

The Cat's Meow [2.29]

Dick: Sorry, I'm not interested in dance lessons.

Bruce: Wait a minute, Dick. The junior prom's coming up, isn't it?

Dick: Yes, but...

Bruce: Well, we don't want you to be a wallflower, do we? Dancing is an integral part of every young man's education.

Dick: Gosh Bruce, you're right.

Dick Grayson: [to Miss Klutz] Why, you're no dance teacher! You're Catwoman!

The Bat's Kow Tow [2.30]

[Batman and Robin are untying each other after escaping the echo chamber]

Robin: Wow! I think I'll be hard of hearing for a while!

Batman: What?!!

Robin: I said, WOW! I THINK I'LL BE HARD OF HEARING FOR A WHILE!

Batman: You'll have to speak louder, Robin! I think I'll be hard of hearing for a while!

The Contaminated Cowl [2.35]

The Mad Hatter: This phase of my career will never be over, until I have The Caped Crusader's cowl safely in my custody!

The Zodiac Crimes [2.37]

Venus: What's inside, Joker? $2000 is a lot of money!

Joker: Ah, this merchandise is worth $2000!

Penguin: It's worth $200,000, you cheapskate! At least you could have sent me a plane ticket!

Batman: They're going to flood to Gotham City Reservoir.

Penguin: We're going to flood the Gotham City Reservoir.

The Penguin Declines [2.39]

Joker: Get Penguin's clothes for him! Hurry!

Penguin: Get my clothes for me? I've got them on!

Joker: Oh, so you do! For a minute, I thought those were prison issue!

Penguin: Prison issue?! This sartorial triumph, a prison issue?!

Joker: Well, sometime I'll give you the name of my tailor!

Penguin: Sometime I'll give you a piece of my mind! Like right now!!

That Darn Catwoman [2.40]

Catwoman: Robin, get the money.

Batman: [entering from behind a curtain] Don't do it Robin! She's got you under the influence of some sort of drug, Robin.

Robin: Who's the character in the ridiculous costume?

Catwoman: [laughs] That's Batman.

Batman: You don't recognize me, Robin? What a dastardly turn of events this is.

Catwoman: Robin?

Robin: Yeah?

Catwoman: Slay the blue dragon.

Robin: Groovy.

Batman: Oh, no.

Robin: Oh, yes.

Batman's Anniversary [2.45]

Down: [after successfully robbing a flooded band and escaping the dynamic duo] Worked like a charm, Riddler!

Riddler: Why not? There's a difference between a batman and a frogman!! One quick stop and then lets go dry our money!!!

Batman: Only The Riddler and his ilk would have such a flagrant disregard for private property! This door will have to be repaired.

A Riddling Controversy [2.46]

Batman: I always imagined it would end differently, but yet less ignominiously. To drown in my own anniversary cake!

Riddler: How can you LAMEBRAINS play CARDS at a time like this?!!!

Batman Displays His Knowledge [2.50]

Catwoman: I could give you more happiness than anyone in the world.

Batman: How do you propose to do that?

Catwoman: By being your partner in life, I mean it's me and you against the world.

Batman: What about Robin?

Catwoman: Hmmm. . . I know. We'll kill him.

Robin: (After Catwoman has just tried, unsuccessfully, to lure Batman with her feminine charms) Good job that love stuff doesn't work on me - I'm way too young for that sort of thing!

A Piece of the Action [2.51]

Kato: Kung fu is kung fu- it's not child's play.

Batman's Satisfaction [2.52]

Britt Reid: [aka the Green Hornet, referring to Batman] I wouldn't be caught dead in that crazy cowl of his.

Kato: I'm glad those guys are on our side even though they don't know it.

King Tut's Coup [2.53]

King Tut: If the Caped Crumb is here, the cowled creep can't be far behind.

Batman's Waterloo [2.54]

Lisa: Would you like to come in for a glass of milk and cookies?

Bruce: I'm afraid it's rather late. Why, it's 10:30!

Black Widow Strikes Again [2.55]

Batman: [to Black Widow] I never touch spirits. Have you some milk?

Caught in the Spider's Den [2.56]

Robin: [After the Black Widow has hypnotized Batman] Batman, I need you to sing a song! That way I can free you from the Black Widow's evil thrall!

Batman: Very well, Robin. I think a little Gilbert & Sullivan... [Picks up flower] I'm called Little... Buttercup... Poor Little... Buttercup... Though I could... never tell... why...

Ice Spy [2.59]

Commissioner Gordon: [to ChiefO'Hara] I'll call Batman on the red phone, you get Mr. Wayne on the other.

Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin [3.01]

Bruce Wayne: [As Dick prepares to take his first drive after obtaining his license] Remember, this is not the Batmobile.

Batman: It's Alfred's emergency belt buckle Batcall signal. He's in trouble.

Ring Around the Riddler [3.02]

Batgirl: What's up your sleeve this time?

Riddler: Up my sleeve, Batgirl? Riddle me once: what's most alluring when it's highest or lowest; when it's in the air or in a hole; when it's served you, yet you can't touch it? An enchanting ace!

Riddler: Riddle me this, Batman: what are the chilliest 12 inches in the world?

Batman: Cold feet!

Riddler: Excellent! What suite of cards lays eggs?

Batman: One that's chicken-hearted. Now listen to this, Riddler, sticks and stones may break my bones...

Riddler: Now you listen to me, Batman! My line is plugged into radio station GTZR! That means that all of Gotham City...[giggles]...has heard you called...[giggles]...a coward! [giggles full time]

The Wail of the Siren [3.03]

Batgirl, Batgirl!
Batgirl, Batgirl!
Where do you come from? Where do you go?
What is your scene? Baby, we just gotta know!

Batgirl, Batgirl!
Batgirl, Batgirl!
Are you a chick who fell in from outer space,
Or are you real with a tender warm embrace?
Yeah, whose baby are you?
Batgirl, Batgirl!
Batgirl, Batgirl!
Yeah, whose baby are you?
Batgirl!
~ The Batgirl theme song

A Horse of Another Color [3.05]

Batman [realizing that the Batmobile's seats were glued upon and now his buttocks were now glued onto them] Thing...are..about...to...get...stickier, Robin.

[Dick is excited about Waynebow, Bruce's prize-winning stallion.]

Dick: Bruce, let me ride Waynebow. I'm light enough.

Bruce: No, Dick, I couldn't allow my own ward to ride my own thoroughbred. People might think it was funny.

The Unkindest Tut of All [3.06]

King Tut: Let's make tracks!

Batgirl: [suddenly appearing] The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary!

King Tut: Goodbye, Batgirl.

Batgirl: You're not going anywhere, Tut!

King Tut: [smiling] No, but you are...

[Shirley conks Batgirl on the head with the vase]

King Tut: ...off to dreamland! For the 2nd time, let's make tracks!

[Batman and Robin suddenly appear]

Batman: The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary!

King Tut: Some sort of delayed echo in here?

Louie the Lilac [3.07]

Louie's goon: You, uh, you somehow connected to Batman?

Batgirl: And speaking of connections, what happened to that phone beside you?

How to Hatch a Dinosaur [3.09]

Robin: [about Batgirl] She's gone again! For once, Batman, let's follow her.

Batman: No, Robin. With my head sticking out of this neosaurus costume, I might not appear like an ordinary, run of the mill crimefighter.

Batman: You know your neosauruses well, Robin. Peanut butter sandwiches it is.

Catwoman's Dressed to Kill [3.14]

Batgirl: And you, Catwoman are an even bigger fool than even I thought you were. We, who enforce the law, would gladly give our lives for it

Catwoman: Gag her, heroines are to be seen, not heard.

Catwoman: Let no one say that Catwoman is not the best-dressed woman in the world.

Batman: There are no fashion shows where you're going, Catwoman.

Robin: And how could a feline feloness like you also be a fashion model?

Batman: Ah-ah. Give credit where credit is due, Robin. She may be evil, but she is attractive. You'll know more about that in a couple of years.

The Ogg Couple [3.15]

Egghead: [smiling] Oh you could trust me, Batgirl

Batgirl: I'd as soon trust a snake with poison on both ends.

Olga: [to Egghead] You are a heartless, hairless man. I am liking you more and more.

The Funny Feline Felonies [3.16]

Joker: Let bygones be bygones. I'd like to shake hands with both of you. Can't we be friends?

Robin: I'd rather shake hands with a spitting cobra!

Batman: You're being cynical, Robin. To err is human, to forgive...divine.

...

Batman: [After being buzzed by Joker] Another...practical joke, Joker.

Joker: Not exactly Batman, it's my deadly joker buzzer, one by one your five senses will leave you. Then your lungs will collapse, and certainly you'll be KAPUT, FINI, DEFUNCT!

Joker: Sorry we can't stay for the big finish Batman, but I'll always treasure the memory of this moment.

The Joke's on Catwoman [3.17]

Batman: The mirror's broken Catwoman, and the last cat has crossed our path. From now on all the luck is with us.

Little Louie Grouvy: Those cats were the thieves: the chick with the swinging outfit, the CREEP with the green hair and those four clowns.

Nora Clavicle and the Ladies' Crime Club [3.19]

Nora: [regarding Batgirl] Oh yes! I forgot about her. With a woman helping them, the Dynamic Duo could give us some trouble...

Nora: [holding a sharp pin to her Batgirl's neck] Alright girls, let's tie the Terrific Trio - into Terirrif Siamese Human Knots.

Penguin's Clean Sweep [3.20]

Penguin: You used a foul trick to murder those innocent fruit flies!

Batman: You murdered them, Penguin...when you let them out!

-----------

[Penguin snatches Chief O'Hara's pocket watch, but then O'Hara and everyone else gets up after pretending to be asleep]

Chief O'Hara: You won't be needin' a watch where you're going!

Penguin: Wha???

Chief O'Hara: You'll need a calendar - a 20-year calendar!

Penguin: This is impossible! You're all infected with Lygerian Sleeping Sickness!

Miss Clean: Oh, you see that's what happens, Pengy-poo, when you're sending off *flies* to do a *man's* job!

Robin: That's right, Pengy-poo! We're just sleepwalking!

Batgirl: What do you say to a little sleep-fighting, Robin?

Robin: Huh! Good idea, Batgirl!

The Great Escape [3.21]

Batgirl: [to Shane, after she, Batman, and Robin were sprayed with fear gas] Please don't hurt us kind sir!

The Great Train Robbery [3.22]

Fernando Ricardo Enrique Dominquez (or Fred): [After being criticized by Shame for his sophisticated speech] I stand chastised.

[Shame pulls a gun out of his hat and points it at Batman, but Batman kicks it out of his hand.]

Shame: No, Batman! I'm sorry! I'd never...never think to...

Batman: Boo!

Shame: [hysterical, grabs Batman by the leg] No, Batman! No!

Batman: Oh, for shame, Shame, Shame, Shame! You're no outlaw, you're a sham, Shame! Don't you ever grab my tights or pull on my leg again!

I'll Be a Mummy's Uncle [3.23]

Barbara: [lying on her bed talking to her pet parrot Charlie] It'd be a real joke on me Charlie, if Bruce Wayne indeed was Batman.

King Tut: Oh, the world is my oyster, and everyone will be bringing me sauce!!

The Joker's Flying Saucer [3.24]

Batman: It is the duty of every good citizen of Gotham City to report meeting a man from Mars in a public park.

Joker: I wanted to rule the world from Mars! I like the looks of that place!

[Batman and Robin suddenly appear]

Batman: Yes, I think you'd be more comfortable there at the moment, Joker.

The Entrancing Dr. Cassandra [3.25]

Dr. Cassandra: You'd better watch out. I've got your number, Batman.

[Batgirl appears]

Batgirl: What about me? Do you have my number too?

Dr. Cassandra: Other women's numbers don't interest me, Batgirl.

Batman: Glad to have you flanking us, Batgirl

Batgirl: I wouldn't miss it for anything!

[Robin looks at Batgirl.]

Robin: You know something, Batman?

Batman: What's that, Robin?

Robin: She looks very pretty when she's asleep.

Batman: I thought you might eventually notice that. That single statement indicates to me the first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum.

Minerva, Mayhem and Millionaires [3.26]

Robin: Persimmon pressurizer? Holy astringent plum-like fruit!

Robin: What happened to Batgirl?!

Batman: Who knows, Robin? Who ever knows?

[The last original scene of the series]

Unidentified episode

Batman: Better put 5 cents in the meter.

Robin: No policeman's going to give the Batmobile a ticket.

Batman: This money goes to building better roads. We all must do our part.

Robin: If we close our eyes, we can't see anything.

Batman: A sound observation, Robin.

Robin: How about rushing the place, Batman?

Batman: Shh. I think not, Robin. All they've done so far is stolen a few items, attempted to kill you, me, and Batgirl. No, I think they plan something really big.

Lisa: Would you like to come in for a glass of milk and cookies?

Bruce: I'm afraid it's rather late. Why, it's 10:30!

Dick: [reading in the library] Gosh, Bruce. That Genghis Khan was quite a guy.

Joker: Then, after I've gotten rid of Batman and Robin for good, I will rule the waves. Me, the Joker, king of the surf and all the surfers. Then, Gotham City! Later, the world!

O'Hara: I'm sorry, Batman. We would have gotten here sooner, but when Commissioner Gordon told me to go to the Museum, I assumed he meant the wax museum.

Batman: That's alright, Chief O'Hara. Anyone could have made the same mistake.

Gordon: I'm sure they won't find caviar on the menu at Gotham State Prison.

Batman: Probably not, but they will get a well-balanced diet thanks to Warden Crichton's emphasis on proper nutrition.

Gordon: Batman, you unscrambled that safe's combination in five seconds flat! How did you do it?

Batman: With my Bat-Five-Seconds-Flat-Combination-Unscrambler, Commissioner.

Robin: Let's go!

Batman: Not you, Robin. They have strict licensing laws in this country. A boy of your age is not allowed in a drinking tavern.

Dick Grayson: What's so important about Chopin?

Bruce Wayne: All music is important, Dick. It's the universal language. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man.

Dick Grayson: Gosh Bruce, yes, you're right. I'll practice harder from now on.

Robin: You can't get away from Batman that easy!

Batman: Easily.

Robin: Easily.

Batman: Good grammar is essential, Robin.

Robin: Thank you.

Batman: You're welcome.

Robin: Boy! That was our closest call ever! I have to admit that I was pretty scared!

Batman: I wasn't scared in the least.

Robin: Not at all?

Batman: Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?

Robin: Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!

Batman: I like to think it's because our hearts are pure.

Bruce: Yes, Dick, your bird calls are close to perfect. If more people practiced them, someday we might have a chance for real communication with our feathered friends."

Dick: In that case I think I'll polish up my ruby-crowned kinglet and my rose-breasted yellow-tailed grouse-beak calls.

Batman: [to Robin] When you get a little older, you'll see how easy it is to become lured by the female of the species.

Robin: I guess you can never trust a woman.

Batman: You've made a hasty generalization, Robin. It's a bad habit to get into.

Robin: That's an impossible shot, Batman.

Batman: That's a negative attitude, Robin.

Batman: The green button will turn the car a la izquierda o a la derecha.

Robin: To the left or right. Threw in a little Spanish on me, huh, Batman?

Batman: One should always keep abreast of foreign tongues, Robin.

Dick: Gosh, Economics is sure a dull subject.

Bruce: Oh, you must be jesting, Dick. Economics dull? The glamour, the romance of commerce... Hmm. It's the very lifeblood of our country's society.

Bruce: Don't dip your oar in this sordid sea, Dick. You might be besmirched.

Batman: That's one trouble with dual identities, Robin. Dual responsibilities.

Batman: In fact, Mr. Wayne is taking Mrs. Harriet Cooper, a devotee of Miss Glaze's, backstage before the performance to meet the dazzling star.

Robin: While Dick Grayson, I suppose, stays home and works on his essay on glaciers?

Batman: Right again, Robin.

Robin: To the batcave?

Batman: And up the batpoles.

Robin: The batpoles?

Batman: Even crimefighters need their sleep, Robin.

Robin: Picked up the seal pulsator yet, Batman?

Batman: We're still over land, Robin, and a seal is an aquatic, marine mammal.

Robin: Gosh, yes, Batman, I forgot.

Robin: Where'd you get a live fish, Batman?

Batman: The true crimefighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin.

Robin: Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know.

Batman: I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives.

Robin: [to Carpet King] You must be that gentleman I've read about. Aren't you a king or something?

Batman: Robin, England has no king now. England has a queen, and a great lady she is, too.

Robin: Gosh, Batman, this camel grass juice is great.

Batman: Beware of strong stimulants, Robin.

Batman: Robin, the Constitution provides that a man is innocent until proven guilty. And the Constitution is the cornerstone of our great nation. We must abide by it.

Robin: Gosh, when you put it that way...

Batman: Man-eating lilacs have no teeth, Robin. It's a process of ingestion through their tentacles.

Batman: [after cracking a safe] It's not difficult, if you have steady nerves and a good ear. Quality is destroyed by the tenor of criminal life.

Batman: An older head can't be put on younger shoulders.

Robin: Venus seemed like a nice girl in that costume.

Batman: I suspect she is a nice girl down deep, but she's fallen in with bad companions. And who knows what her home life was like?

Batman: Go back outside and calm the flower children.

Robin: They'll mob me!

Batman: Groovy.

Batman: Too many Bessarovian Cossacks around here, Robin. If I'd joined you in the fight, some of them may have been injured.

Bruce: Just because we're traveling, I don't think that Dick should neglect his studies, so we brought along one thousand key works of literature, his biological specimens, and also his own desk.

Dick: Yes, I expect to study hard.

Batman: You're far from mod, Robin. And many hippies are older than you are.

Superintendent Watson: Well, I think this calls for a cup of char at venerable Ireland Yard.

Robin: Char?

Batman: Yes, Robin, a colloquialism for tea.

Catwoman: Let no one say that Catwoman is not the best-dressed woman in the world.

Batman: There are no fashion shows where you're going, Catwoman.

Robin: And how could a feline feloness like you also be a fashion model?

Batman: Ah-ah. Give credit where credit is due, Robin. She may be evil, but she is attractive. You'll know more about that in a couple of years.

Robin: [about Catwoman] Do you think she'll kill Batgirl?

Batman: Or worse, Robin. Or worse.

Batman: Nobody wants war.

Robin: Gee, Batman. Belgravia's such a small country. We'd beat them in a few hours.

Batman: Yes, and then we'd have to support them for years.

Batman: What took you so long, Batgirl?

Batgirl: Rush hour traffic, plus all the lights were against me. And you wouldn't want me to speed, would you?

Robin: Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives!

Batman: Rules are rules, Robin. But you do have a point.

Batman: Cattail Lane and Nine Lives Alley. The Grimalkin Novelty Company is on that corner."

Robin: Grimalkin? What kind of a name is that?

Batman: An obscure but nevertheless acceptable synonym for cat, Robin.

Robin: [looking at Batgirl] You know something, Batman?

Batman: What's that, Robin?

Robin: She looks very pretty when she's asleep.

Batman: I thought you might eventually notice that. That single statement indicates to me the first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum.

Robin: Gosh, if I could just figure out that riddle. Why can't I get it?

Batman: Maybe your mind's on that cute little teenager who waved to you on the way across town, eh?

Robin: Awww, come on, Batman.

Dick: Awww, heck! What's the use of learning French anyway?

Bruce: Dick, I'm surprised at you! Language is the key to world peace. If we all spoke each other's tongues, perhaps the scourge of war would be ended forever.

Dick: Gosh, Bruce, yes. I'll get these darn verbs if they kill me!

Robin: What do we do, tip off Commissioner Gordon?

Batman: No, not on your life, old man. The Penguin and I have a score to settle.

Dick: Wow! The rings of Saturn! This is sure some fun, Bruce.

Bruce: Astronomy is more than mere fun, Dick.

Dick: It is?

Bruce: Yes, it helps give us a sense of proportion. Reminds us how little we are, really. People tend to forget that sometimes.

Dick: Gosh yes, that's right. I'll bet I see those rings a little differently this time!

Robin: Gosh, there could be diplomatic repercussions if we fail this time, Batman.

Batman: That's not the point, Robin. What's important is that the world know that all visitors to these teeming shores are safe, be they peasant or king.

Robin: Gee, Batman, I never thought of that. You're right.

Batman: It's the very essence of our democracy.

Batman: [to Robin] Stop fiddling with that atomic pile and come down here!

Dick: Gosh, botany is tough. I'll never learn to recognize all these trees!

Bruce: Come come, Dick. Pine. Elm. Hickory, chestnut, maple. Part of our heritage is the lure of living things, the storybook of nature.

Dick: That's true, Bruce. I'll learn to read that book of nature yet!

Batman: Robin, you haven't fastened your safety bat-belt.

Robin: We're only going a couple of blocks.

Batman: It won't be long until you are old enough to get a driver's license, Robin, and you'll be able to drive the Batmobile and other vehicles. Remember motorist safety.

Robin: Gosh, Batman, when you put it that way..

Bruce: When we have more time, I'll acquaint you with the various processes of sculptoring. It's a fascinating art to which I have devoted many hours of study.

Dick: I sure would like to hear about it, Bruce.

Batman: [during a bat-climb] Careful, Robin. Both hands on the Bat-rope.

Robin: Sorry, Batman.

Robin: [about Lydia Limpet] Gosh, Batman, those look like honest eyes.

Batman: Never trust the old chestnut, 'Crooks have beady little eyes'. It's false.

Dick: I thought Lima was the capital of Equador.

Bruce: As you can see, I was right. It's the capital of Peru.

Aunt Harriet: Oh, I just love this game of capitals. It's just so educational!

Bruce: Not only that, if we don't know all about our friends to the south, how can we can carry out our good neighbor policy?

Dick: [working on a jigsaw puzzle] It's so much harder with the pieces upside down.

Bruce: Of course. Think of what excellent training it is for your visual memory.

Dick: Gosh yes, I guess that's true.

Batman: Human mechanisms are made by human hands, Robin. None of them is infallible. It is a lesson that must be faced.

Batman: That's life, Robin, full of ups and downs. It ill befits any of us to become to confident.

Batman: [about to cross the street] Remember Robin, always look both ways.

Robin: It sure is a shame, Batman. A restaurant with such terrific chow turning out to be a mere front for some criminal scheme.

Batman: Look at it this way, Robin. That $100 cover charge is pretty stiff. Penguin's 'terrific chow' is hardly within the budget of the average worker.

Robin: Gosh yes, you're right, Batman. All the needy people in the world, all the hungry children.

Batman: Good thinking, Robin.

Batman: Experience teaches slowly, Robin. And at a cost of many mistakes.

Batman: Remember the Boy Scouts' motto.

Robin: 'Be prepared'.

Batman: It would do well to keep that in mind at all times.

Robin: We better hurry, Batman.

Batman: Not too fast, Robin. In good bat-climbing, as in good driving, one must never sacrifice safety for speed.

Robin: Right again, Batman.

Batman: Tarnished reputations are unfortunate, Robin. We can live with those. However, a threat to all of Gotham City is something else.

Regulars

Adam West - Bruce Wayne/Batman
Burt Ward - Dick Grayson/Robin
Alan Napier - Alfred Pennyworth
Neil Hamilton - Police Commissioner James Gordon
Stafford Repp - Police Chief O'Hara
Madge Blake - Aunt Harriet Cooper (1966-1967)
Yvonne Craig - Barbara Gordon/Batgirl (1967-1968)
William Dozier - Narrator

Recurring guest stars

Burgess Meredith - The Penguin (20 episodes)
Cesar Romero - The Joker (19 episodes)
Julie Newmar - Catwoman (13 episodes)
David Lewis - Warden Crichton (10 episodes)
Frank Gorshin - The Riddler (10 episodes)

Other notable guest stars

Lee Meriwether - Catwoman #2 (only in the 1966 Batman movie) [unknown]
Jill St. John - Molly [1.1-1.2]
Teri Garr - Girl [1.7]
George Sanders - Mr. Freeze #1 [1.7-1.8]
Anne Baxter - Zelda [1.9-1.10], Olga, Queen of the Cossacks [3.7-3.9, 3.14-3.15]
David Wayne - Mad Hatter/Jervis Tetch [1.13-1.14]
Malachi Throne - False Face [1.17-1.18]
Victor Buono - King Tut [1.27-1.28, 2.7-2.8, 2.53-2.54, 3.5-3.6, 3.23, 3.25]
Roddy McDowall - The Bookworm [1.29-1.30]
Jerry Lewis - Himself [1.29]
Art Carney - The Archer [2.1-2.2]
Dick Clark - Himself [2.1]
Sam Jaffe - Mr. Zoltan Zorba [2.1]
Archie Moore - Everett Bannister [2.1]
James Brolin - Ralph Staphylococcus [2.4], Reggie [2.34]
Army Archerd - Putnam [2.5]
Phyllis Diller - Scrubwoman [2.5]
Van Johnson - The Minstrel [2.5-2.6]
Shelley Winters - Ma Parker [2.9]
Milton Berle - Himself [2.10], Louie the Lilac [3.7, 3.18]
Sammy Davis Jr. - Himself [2.11]
Walter Slezak - The Clock King [2.11-2.12]
Vincent Price - Egghead [2.13-2.14, 3.7-3.8]
Liberace - Chandell [2.15-2.16]
Paul Revere - Himself [2.17-2.18]
Allen Ludden - David Dooley [2.17]
Otto Preminger - Mr. Freeze #2 [2.19-2.20]
Howard Duff - Himself [2.21], Cabala [3.25]
Carolyn Jones - Marsha [2.23-2.24]
Cliff Robertson - Shame [2.25-2.26, 3.21-3.22]
Werner Klemperer - Colonel Klink [2.26]
Ted Cassidy - Lurch [2.27]
Don Ho - Himself [2.30]
Sonny Bono - Himself [2.31]
Cher - Herself [2.31]
Maurice Evans - The Puzzler [2.31-2.32]
Andy Devine - Santa [2.32]
Michael Rennie - The Sandman [2.33-2.34]
Gypsy Rose Lee - Newscaster [2.33]
Rob Reiner - Delivery Boy [2.39]
Lesley Gore - Pussycat [2.40-2.41]
John Astin - Riddler #2 [2.45-2.46]
Art Linkletter - Himself [2.49]
Van Williams - The Green Hornet [2.51-2.52]
Bruce Lee - Kato [2.51-2.52]
Edward G. Robinson - Himself [2.52]
Tallulah Bankhead - Black Widow [2.55-2.56]
George Raft - Himself [2.55]
Eli Wallach - Mr. Freeze #3 [2.59-2.60]
Joan Collins - The Siren [3.3]
Ethel Merman - Lola Lasagne [3.4-3.5]
Alan Hale Jr. - Gilligan [3.8]
Rudy Vallee - Lord Phogg [3.12-3.13]
Eartha Kitt - Catwoman #3 [3.14, 3.16-3.17]
Barbara Rush - Nora Clavicle [3.19]
Jerry Mathers - Pop, the Stage Doorman [3.21]
Ida Lupino - Dr. Cassandra [3.25]
Zsa Zsa Gabor - Minerva [3.26]

Quoternity