Beavis and Butt-Head
Beavis and Butt-Head is an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head.
[Beavis does so, then drops the burning insect in order to see it explode. Both of them are now laughing.]
[The pair both play air guitar, in celebration of their antic, until they see a frog]
[Butt-head constantly misses the frog with the bat]
[Butt-head hits Beavis on the back of the head with the bat]
[Butt-head hits the frog with the baseball bat]
[The pair hum out Deep Purple's, "Smoke on the Water," as a celebration for killing the frog. They soon see a poodle nearby]
[The pair chase the dog as it fades to the end credits, where the dog is heard wimpering]
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Butt-head:go away, diarrhea!
[Beavis and Butt-head both laugh]
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(Beavis and Butt-Head are playing court in an open field next to the street, using a grasshopper as the defendant)
(Butt-Head punches Beavis in the face)
butthead: WOAH, where'd ya find it?
beavis: Anderson's house.
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[Beavis spits out the toad]
[The pair go looking for the toad]
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[At McVicker's Office. Beavis and Butt-head are laughing.]
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[Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter]
[school bell rings]
[Beavis and Butt-head dart out of the doors, rapidly laughing]
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Note: This is the DVD cut version which was edited to be exactly 6 minutes. In the original version, Buzzcut also says that they will be talking about the "scrotum" and "clitoris," but does not take roll of the names with obvious vulgar connotations. Also, a scene at the end in which Beavis and Butt-head say "They said penis...they said masturbation...they said vagina...that was cool" is not present.
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[long pause, Beavis stares intently]
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[Beavis unzips his pants]
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[Butt-head kicks him in the nuts, Buzzcut strains]
[Butt-head kicks him again, Buzzcut strains]
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[The pair raise their hands. Todd holds Butt-head against the window whilst putting his foot on top of Beavis' throat]
[Todd consumes the nachos and drink before driving off]
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[The dog leaps and bites Beavis' leg]
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[talking to some other kids, referring to the dog bite]
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[switch to the Doctor, who is in a dark room wielding a needle]
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[The weight lifter throws them through the window]
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(Arabian music plays for two seconds)
Beavis: Woah, hey check that out!
Butt-Head: (pronouncing fortune teller) Fuh..fuh fart..Fuuh..forr..tuu Fortune, huh, huh, Fortune Teller.
Beavis: Yeah, heh, heh, heh, let's go tell her our fortune. Heh, heh, heh.
Butt-Head: No dumbass. She tells your fourtune.
Beavis: Oh, heh, heh, heh, hey Butt-Head, what's that mean?
Butt-Head: You know, your future.
Beavis: Heh, heh, heh, what's that mean?
Butt-Head: I don't know. Huh, huh, huh.
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Madame Blavasky: (on the phone) YOU BETTER NOT COME AROUND HERE AGAIN LESTER, OR I'M CALLING THE COPS!!! (Beavis and Butt-Head walk inside) Wait, I got some customers.
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Madame Blavasky: I see... a mansion... with many faithful servants.... a yacht...
Beavis: I don't see any of that crap.
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(Beavis and Butt-Head are walking)
(Beavis is wearing a Professor Quirrel-like headdress)
Butt-Head: I didn't know you were psychic Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, remember what those doctors said on those tests?
Butt-Head: No Beavis, they said you were psycho.
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[Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter. Daria enters]
[Daria exits]
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[Beavis shows Butt-head a picture of something flesh colored]
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(In the DVD cut, after Beavis moons Butthead he goes straight to simply responding "Beavis, get your butt out of my face now" and the episode ends.)
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(Beavis starts pumping ball washer)
(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer faster)
(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer even faster)
(They laugh)
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[eating breakfast burritos]
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[Butt-head is being hooked up to the lie detector tester]
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[Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is red]
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[Beavis is still in the waiting room]
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[The lie detector's pulse papers are moving violently, Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is now a red hued purple, he is now on the verge of losing consciousness]
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[Beavis is hooked up to the lie detector tester]
[The detector dings 'true' and Beavis takes a deep breath and holds it]
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[The pair are brought back to Highland High, where there's a disagreement between the two principals]
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[both laugh]
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[both get up and leave]
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[Beavis laughs]
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[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh]
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[in the showers]
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[On taking a shower at school]
[Beavis Screams]
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[Next to the entrance]
[Beavis and Butt-Head get outside]
[every student outside starts to laugh at Beavis and Butt-head in their undies. Inside, Principal McVicker is seen holding down the fire alarm switch]
[Both look in amazement at the documentary, and the lightning outside]
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[afterwards]
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[The two head to the back of the gas station to break the bottle, but they soon see a tyre]
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[Beavis then hits a car owned by a redneck couple, Butt-head soon follows up]
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[Todd arrives at the parking lot where he is about to attack Beavis for making him spill beer on his jeans.]
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[Tommy, the student who's consumed the Spanish Fly, has got a scared Beavis in a wrestling position]
[Beavis delivers a low blow to Tommy]
[Beavis and Butt-head walk out]
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[Beavis and Butt-head are about to deface the blackboard when they see the words, "FIELD TRIP TODAY"]
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[Van Driessen has got his guitar ready and asks the students for song requests]
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[toilet flushes]
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[The boys have just prank called Harry Sachz, and Harry calls them back]
[Butt-head hangs up, then Harry Sachz does and breaks his pencil while laughing]
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[The family living there just arrives their house.]
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[Beavis and Butt-head return home.]
[Butt-head goes out and rings the door bell.]
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[after Butt-head tosses a baby bird into the air]
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[In Speech Therapy Class]
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[Todd revs the car so the rest of the words aren't heard]
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[Store Owner looks out window and sees Todd smoking. Canned laughter.]
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[Beavis is having a dream of the writing of the Declaration of Independence; Thomas Jefferson is dictating and Beavis is dressed like Benjamin Franklin]
Beavis goes to the phone and answers it.
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[Principal McVicker struggles with Beavis and Butthead. He then sees the memories of the boys' antics and soon has a heart attack]
[Buzzcutt gives him mouth-to-mouth]
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[The final lines of the series as the boys walk off to the strings of love music and sirens--with the money collected in their names]
[The screen fades out and a title card reads THE END ]
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[telephone rings]
[Beavis and Butt-head snicker]
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[two of the cops are dressed as a chef and a bellhop]
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[ Ad-Rock appears in the video, a caption reads "Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'"]
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[the man in the video is seen with two women]
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[a shot of a woman's butt in tight pants is shown]
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[seeing what appears to be two men using a welding torch on a taller man's rectum]
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[the chorus starts again]
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[the band members are using a giant battering ram to break down a door]
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[commenting on a wolfman with huge claws]
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[a heavy-set man with a mustache has the caption "Scotty"]
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[the band members are submerged in water]
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[the camera is focused on a close-up on James Hetfield's nose]
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[the conversation in the video continues]
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[the lead singer roars]
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[a decomposed horse is seen in the video]
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[the names of the band members are flashed onscreen]
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[Sam Harris starts belting]
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[Beavis humps the couch whilst Butt-head looks at him in shock]
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[the protagonists of the video have gotten onstage and are kissing]
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[a rottweiler is seen in the video]
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[Butt-head smacks Beavis]
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[Ted Nugent's head is disembodied and is still alive]
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[one member proceeds to deep fry two battered hot dogs]
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[the lead singer, licking a lollipop, licks a shirtless man's armpit]
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[a man jumps off a tall building]
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[people running in panic]
[National Guard truck arrives, only to be flattened by Butt-head's foot]
[SAM launcher fires numerous shots at Butt-Kong]
[woman screaming in a nearby office]
[woman continues screaming]
[another helicopter circles Butt-Kong's head, firing at him]
[tanks fire at Butt-Kong, then a nearby quaking of the ground]
[Beaviszilla appears, kicking up the tanks]
(fades to Beavis and Butt-head's house)
[After the T.V. has been stolen]
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(Beavis and Butt-head push the school television out the doors)
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[Butt-head flies backward due to Cornholio's intrusion into the cockpit nearly causing a plane crash and lands on the dashboard)
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Frog Baseball
[Beavis is about to set a fly on fire using a lighter]- Butt-head: Light one up its butt.
[Beavis does so, then drops the burning insect in order to see it explode. Both of them are now laughing.]
- Butt-head: That was cool.
[The pair both play air guitar, in celebration of their antic, until they see a frog]
- Beavis: Look, dude! A Frog!
- Beavis and Butt-head: FROG BASEBALL!!
- Butt-head: GET IT!!
[Butt-head constantly misses the frog with the bat]
- Beavis: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Thr... AAAARRGH!
[Butt-head hits Beavis on the back of the head with the bat]
- Butt-head: Ball.
[Butt-head hits the frog with the baseball bat]
- Butt-head: YES!!
- Butt-head: That was cool.
[The pair hum out Deep Purple's, "Smoke on the Water," as a celebration for killing the frog. They soon see a poodle nearby]
- Beavis: Look, Butt-head! Mrs Higgin's Poodle!
- Beavis and Butt-head: DOG BASEBALL!!
- Butt-head: GET IT!!
[The pair chase the dog as it fades to the end credits, where the dog is heard wimpering]
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Balloon
- Butt-Head: Tattoos are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah! I'm gonna get one!
- Butt-Head: You could have "I'm a puss" tattoo on your butt.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head!
- Beavis: Think she's a diver?
- Butt-Head: Ask your mom.
- Beavis: Choadsmoker.
Be All You Can Be
- Sergeant: Seems you boys joined by assigning youselves a rank. So, which one of you signed up as "Major Woody" and "Private Parts?!" Why you little pinkos!
Stewart's House
- [after Beavis and Butt-Head flipping through the channel until the ad for the Death Truck on Pay-per View appears]
- Beavis: Yes! Order it, dude!
- Butt-Head: We can't. Huh huh. They locked us out after Steven Seagal month.
- Beavis: That sucks!
- Butt-Head: Hey, Beavis. I heard you filled the real gas and light a match, all the oxygen disappears and we get a killer buzz!
- Mr. Stevenson: This is bad, boys, for a number of reasons. First is the trust factor. Stewart, we trusted you to stay home unsupervised. Now you violated that trust, didn't you?
- [Beavis and Butt-head laugh]
- Mr. Stevenson: Now you two, you came into my house and you blew it up. Luckily, I've got homeowner's insurance.
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh. I bet you do.
Babes R Us
- Butt-head: Hey! Spank your own monkey all you want, but keep your hands off of mine.
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- Beavis, Butt-head: [in unison] Diarrhea, cha cha cha! Diarrhea, cha cha cha!
- Daria: Get a life.
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Butt-head:go away, diarrhea!
Scientific Stuff
- Daria: Butt-head, why don't you try this experiment? Analyze the friction caused by digitally oscillating your weiner.
[Beavis and Butt-head both laugh]
- Butt-head: That was cool.
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Be All You Can Be
- Butt-head: Beavis' dad was in the Navy.
- Sgt. Dick Leaky: Is that right?
- Butt-head: Yeah. He was a seaman.
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Washing the Dog
- Butt-head: [reading off the washing machine] Huh huh huh, it says ‘load'.
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- Beavis+Butt-head: inging to the tune of "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest ] Washing the dog, washing the dog! Washing the dog!
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- Butt-head: [placing the dog in a washing machine] It's a poodle, set it on "delicate".
Lawn & Garden
- Butt-head: Uh, I've been injured.
- Phone operator: You have?
- Butt-head: Yeah, I've got a big crack in my butt.
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- Butt-head: We're gonna have to charge you extra.
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(Beavis and Butt-Head are playing court in an open field next to the street, using a grasshopper as the defendant)
- Butt-Head: Huh,huh, this court is now in session.
- Beavis: I know you've sworn sir, and I've read your complaint. Heh,heh.
(Butt-Head punches Beavis in the face)
- Butt-Head: It's my turn to be the judge asswipe! Huh,huh,huh,..This court is now in session. Iknow you've sworn sir, and I've read your complaint. How does you hold against the charges of......
- Beavis: Trespassing! Heh,heh,heh.
- Butt-Head: Yeah, and buzzing around and getting in my face and stuff. Huh,huh,huh, has the jury reached the verdict?
- Beavis: The defence rests.
- Butt-Head: Yeah huh,huh,huh, shut up! I herby sentence the defendant to death by ........ uh..death by... huh,huh,huh, sawing off his twiener! Huh,huh,huh,huh,huh.
- Beavis: (Beavis whips out Mr. Anderson's chainsaw and mutilates the grasshopper;also chopping off Butt-Head's index finger which bleeds continuously)
- Beavis and Butt-Head: (singing Judas Priest Breaking the Law) BREAKING THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAAAAWWWWWW; BREAKING THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!
- Butt-Head: (index finger is still bleeding) Huh, huh, huh.... cool.
Burger World
- Mr. Andreson: Hey, you look kinda familiar. You ain't them kids that spray painted my dog last week, are you?
- Butt-head: Uh huh huh, that was uh... other kids.
Good Credit
Beavis: hey butthead, look what i found yesterday.butthead: WOAH, where'd ya find it?
beavis: Anderson's house.
Way Down Mexico Way
- Dave: Now it's time for you boys to earn your keep. Look in the glove box.
- Butt-head: [opens the glove compartment and pulls out two condoms] Oh no, Dave's gonna boof us.
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For Better or Verse
- Mr. Van Driessen: Today, we're going to explore the world of haiku.
- Butt-head: We're gonna explore the world of getting high? Cool! Huh huh.
- Mr. Van Driessen: No, Butt-head. Not "high, cool". But, the ancient, Japanese, spare, haunting poetry called "haiku".
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Beware of the Butt
[both are hanging upsidedown from the movie sign with their pants down]- Butt-head: [looking at Beavis' butt] Huh huh, your butt kinda looks like baloney. With pimples.
- Beavis: Hey! Why are you so interested in my butt!?
- Butt-head: Uh....um...that new GWAR album is pretty cool, huh?
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Sick
[Beavis is licking a toad, as some sort of remedy for his illness]- Butt-head: I don't get it. It's supposed to pack an awesome buzz.
[Beavis spits out the toad]
- Beavis: Mmmmmm. Tastes like chicken.
[The pair go looking for the toad]
- Beavis and Butt-head: Here, toadie, toadie.
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No Laughing
- Mr. Herrera: Bueno. Recuerdan por favor, clase, siempre contestan en Español. Bueno? [he walks to the back of the room with a sign that says Juan es Alto] Senor Butt-head, ¿Como es Juan?
- Butt-head: Uh, burritos.
- Mr. Herrera: No no no, ¿Como es Juan? ¿Como es Juan?
- Butt-head: Uh, guacamole.
- Mr. Herrera: No, no. ¿Senor Beavis, Como es Juan?
- Beavis: Um, spaghetti.
- Butt-head: Heh heh. Spaghetti?
- Mr. Herrera: Spaghetti? That's Italian, you moron! Dammit! You idiots have been in this class for almost a whole school year, and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell!! ..And Beavis can't even get that right! I'm gonna give you little bastards just ten seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can't, you're both going to the principal's office and you're both flunking. [pause] Well, I'm waiting.
- Butt-head: Uuuuh.. [mocks Spanish accent] rendo-pordo-curdoh-nut-a-ben-yubarduhvuh Rico Suave. Huh-huh.
- Mr. Herrera: Principal's office, now!
- Beavis: .....Eh, Taco Supreme.
- Mr. Herrera: Get out! Now!
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- [Butt-Head is holding a pencil over his crotch depicting an erected penis. He and Beavis are laughing at it. Butt-Head then holds the pencil over his desk and drops it. It hits the desk with the eraser end, causing it to bounce off of the desk. It flies through the air and into Beavis's left eye and Beavis bleeds from his eye, screaming.]
- Beavis: [screaming] AAAAGH!! OWW!!!!!!
- Butt-head: Whoa, that was cool, it really does happen.
- [Beavis pulls the pencil out of his eye socket and chuckles]
- Mr. Stevenson: Okay. Armstrong?
- Armstrong: Here,
- Mr. Stevenson: Armyho?
- Armyho: Present.
- Mr. Stevenson: Baca?
- Baca: Yo!
- Mr. Stevenson: Butkis?
- Daniel Butkis: Here. [Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh]
- Mr. Stevenson: Dammit, what's wrong with you two? We've been in school over seven months now, and every single day, when I call Daniel Butkis' name, you guys have to laugh. [Beavis & Butt-Head laugh some more] Is it really still that funny? Doesn't it ever get old? Are you gonna laugh for the rest of your lives every time someone says the name Butkis? [Beavis and Butthead laugh] That does it. Principal's office, now!
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- Mrs. Dickie: Therefore we can say that any two amoeba are identical twins since they have the same genetic makeup. They are all the same sex and can reproduce by themselves. [Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh, while Butt-head shakes and throws two dice] So all sperm cells contain either an X chromosome or a Y chromosome, and-
- Butt-Head: She said sperm.
- Mrs. Dickie: Depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg - I said, depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg, the zygote will be either male or female - SHUT UP!!! [Beavis & Butt-Head continue to laugh] McVicker's office, now!
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[At McVicker's Office. Beavis and Butt-head are laughing.]
- Principal McVicker: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You've been to four classes today and you've been sent here four times. And this laughing thing...What the hell is with this laughing thing?! All the teachers are sick of it! Mr. Sherman, your history teacher, says he's completely given up on trying to teach your class about the Gay 90's. [Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing harder] See? See?! Now that's exactly what I'm talking about! You are both suspended for a week!
- Butt-Head: [He and Beavis stop laughing temporarily, still grinning] Uhhh... what does that mean?
- Principal McVicker: I-I-It means I-I-I don't want to see you anywhere near this school for a whole week!
- Butt-Head: Cool! [he and Beavis start to act like they are playing guitars to the riff of 'Paradise City' by Guns n' Roses]
- Principal McVicker: SHUT UP! Forget it. No no, you're not suspended. No, I've got a better idea. Yeah, hah-hah-hah-hah!! I'm gonna get you guys this time. [He takes a bottle of "Old Crow" out from under his desk, Beavis and Butthead start laughing again as McVicker drinks the whiskey]
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- Buzzcut: So, Beavis and Butt-head, I understand Mr. McVicker has made a little arrangement with you guys. Yeah, a little probation. You see, class, Beavis and Butt-head here are not allowed to laugh for a whole week. That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled, and they'll have to go to Hope High School where they'll get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all the other delinquents. Ha ha ha! [other students laugh] Well, I was real glad to hear that, because this is sex education week. That's right, sex-ed week! We're gonna be talkin' about the PENIS! We'll be talkin' about the VAGINA! Do you think that's funny, Butt-head? Do you find it amusing that we'll be talkin' about the TESTICLES? Yes, we're also gonna be talkin' about VENEREAL DISEASE! SEXUAL INTERCOURSE! And we will definitely be spending a lot of time talking about MASTURBATION!
[Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter]
- Buzzcut: Well, now that's out of the way, let's take roll. Butkis!
- Butkis: Here. Ha ha ha.
- Buzzcut: Gaylord! Highman!
[school bell rings]
[Beavis and Butt-head dart out of the doors, rapidly laughing]
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh...
- Beavis: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...
----
Note: This is the DVD cut version which was edited to be exactly 6 minutes. In the original version, Buzzcut also says that they will be talking about the "scrotum" and "clitoris," but does not take roll of the names with obvious vulgar connotations. Also, a scene at the end in which Beavis and Butt-head say "They said penis...they said masturbation...they said vagina...that was cool" is not present.
Baby Makes Uh, Three
- Butt-head: I am going to beat you like a red-headed stepchild!
----
- Butt-head: And it is with utmost regret that I must report that our baby was stolen by gypsies in the night.
----
Comedians
- Butt-head: Uh...Hey Beavis. I got an idea.
- Beavis: Yeah, me too! Let's go over to Stewart's house and burn something. [holds up a lighter]
- Butt-head: No, dumbass. Let's become one of those 'stand-up chameleons' and get a bunch of money.
----
- Butt-head: Here's another one. How do you keep a moron in suspense?
[long pause, Beavis stares intently]
- Butt-head: ....Uh...I dunno.
----
- Member of Audience: You suck, get off!
- Butt-head: Uh, is that what she said?
----
- Beavis: You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks? Sometimes I look at one of these little straws, and I go, 'This sucks'.
- Butt-head: Huh huh, this is cool.
- Beavis: One thing about gym class....it sucks. Okay, now I'm gonna like...juggle.
- Butt-head: Go for it, Beavis!
- Beavis: This is gonna be cool. [holds up a newspaper and lights it on fire]fire! fire!
----
Couch-Fishing
- Policeman: Oh no, not another elderly woman flying down the street. They never learn.
----
- Old woman: What happened to my spectacles?
- Butt-head: Uh, your testicles?
Naked Colony
- Store clerk: Are you two gonna buy something or are you gonna stare all day?
- Butt-head: Uh, we're gonna stare all day.
----
Sperm Bank
- Nurse: Well gentlemen, go to work.
[Beavis unzips his pants]
- Nurse:...On your tests.
- Beavis: ...oh. [zips back up]
----
- Nurse: Where's your container?
- Beavis: We were meant to use a container?
----
- Butt-head: He's fallen and he can't 'get it up'.
----
True Crime
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh. Maybe we should go buy something.
- Beavis: Yeah. Heh heh heh. Like what? Heh heh heh.
- TV announcer: Good evening and welcome to America's Most Hated. What you're about to see is a crime so heinous, so replusive, so actual, it may shake your very faith in human nature.
The Trial
- Judge: You don't want me to appoint you an attorney, a lawyer who can take your case?
- Butt-head: I can handle it, dude. I've like, seen The People's Court.
- Judge: You'll need someone who knows the laws, who's familiar with the penal system and--
- Beavis: [Laughing with Butt-head] She said penal.
Buff 'N' Stuff
- Buzzcut: You are what you eat! You got three food groups, and they sure as hell ain't fries, Chips Ahoy, and Milk Duds! And you all wonder why your faces look like topographic maps of the Himalayas!
----
- Buzzcut: Are you a man?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah.
- Buzzcut: What makes you think so?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, I got testicles.
- Buzzcut: You think that makes you a man? I'll show you a real man... kick me in the jimmy.
- Butt-head: No way!
- Buzzcut: I said do it!
[Butt-head kicks him in the nuts, Buzzcut strains]
- Buzzcut: Yyyyeessss! Do it again! do it HARD!
[Butt-head kicks him again, Buzzcut strains]
- Buzzcut: Yyyyeessss!!
- Butt-head: Whoa, that was cool.
----
The Crush
[Beavis and Butt-head are eating nachos outside Maxi-mart, when Todd parks his car, running over their trikes]- Todd: Where's the pre-schoolers at who parked their sucky little trikes in my spot?
[The pair raise their hands. Todd holds Butt-head against the window whilst putting his foot on top of Beavis' throat]
- Todd: If my arm weren't so sore from my new tattoo, I'd smear both your asses all over the parking lot.
- Beavis: Whoa, heh heh, cool.
- Todd: Give me those nachos and those fruity whips and I might not shove these handle bars up your butt.
- Butt-head: Err, Okay.
[Todd consumes the nachos and drink before driving off]
----
- Todd [Whilst suffocating Butt-head]: What do you fuzz-nuts want?
----
Young, Gifted & Crude
[being told about a character from a Swords and Sorcery game]- Butt-head: Hey Beavis...I got a 'charmed long staff' [turns around, then turns back with dice up his nose]
----
Cow Tipping
- [After mistaking a horse for a cow, they learn to identify cows by 'those fingers next to their butt that you squeeze to get like, milk and stuff']
- Beavis: Heh heh, hey Butt-head, squeeze my finger.
- Butt-head: Which one, Beavis? The finger by your butt?
- Beavis: Heh, yeah! Pull that one.
- Butt-head: [sings] Old MacDonald had a farm, E...uhh, I? Z? Is there, like, a Q in there?
- Beavis: Yeah, heh heh, [sings] E-I-Q...uhh, Z...M.
----
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis. I heard if you tip a cow over while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens.
- Beavis: Really? Like what?
- Butt-head: Uh...it falls over?
- Beavis: Cool! We're there, dude!
Trouble Urinating
- Buzzcut: [teaching Beavis and Butt-head how to urinate after they forget how] Okay boys! I'm gonna make this easy! On the count of one, unzip your pants! And one, unzip your pants! [Beavis and Butt-head laugh] On the count of two, take out your penises!
- Beavis: Two's my favorite, heh heh.
- Buzzcut: And two! On the count of three, start leaking! Three, let's go! LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK!
- [Beavis and Butt-head obviously don't urinate]
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh.
- Buzzcut: Okay, you wussies. You're gonna stand right there until you can get it right. And don't come out until you're done. [Buzzcut leaves]
- [Beavis and Butt-head continue to laugh]
----
- [Beavis and Butt-head are in a female doctor's office, who is trying to "teach" them how to urinate again while playing music]
- Doctor: Now, just relax. Clear your mind of any thoughts.
- Beavis: What is that? Huh huh huh.
- Doctor: Close your eyes, and imagine you're floating on a river. Let the water take you wherever it wants to. Just relax and go with the flow.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I can feel it.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Huh huh. Me too.
- [We start to hear a dripping sound. Beavis and Butt-head are wetting their pants]
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh. And the water's warm. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh.
- [The dripping sound continues, and the doctor looks up from taking her notes, noticing with a shocked look on her face. She drops her notes]
- Doctor: Okay, not here. Stop-stop-stop it! Stop urinating! STOP URINATING!
- Butt-head: I forgot how to stop. [A line of wetness moves up Butt-head's shirt]
- Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. Just relax. Go with the flow.
- [Beavis and Butt-head continue to urinate, while the doctor continues trying to get them to stop, as she gets up on her desk, obviously because Beavis and Butt-head have been urinating enough to wet the floor of the room]
----
- Butt-head: Huh huh. Urinating's cool.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Do dogs urinate? Heh heh heh.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you dillweed. Of course they urinate. Why do you think they lift their leg? Huh huh huh.
- [Beavis and Butt-head proceed to lift one of their legs while urinating on a bush. A dog then comes over and urinates on the same bush.]
Rabies Scare
- Butt-head: Woah, check it out.
- Beavis: Heh, yeah. Stupid dog.
- Butt-head: Uh, I heard if you like, don't act scared, they won't attack you.
- Beavis: Heh, how do you do that?
[The dog leaps and bites Beavis' leg]
----
[talking to some other kids, referring to the dog bite]
- Butt-head: Huh huh, you wanna touch his bone?
- Beavis: Yeah, heh, touch it.
----
- Kid: Decent! Is it contagous?
- Butt-head: No. I disinsfected it. [pours a sports drink onto the wound] Sports drinks have nutrients.
----
- Buzzcut: Listen up, morons. Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you. [pats batton] But remember this: In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury and the jailer!
- Butt-head: [to Beavis] Does it hurt when I do this? [pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass]
- Beavis: OOOOW!
- Butt-head: Huh, that was cool.
- Buzzcut: Do you gentlemen have a problem? Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?
- Beavis: Heh, dog bite.
- Buzzcut: Well. I thought you looked rabid, boy. Now listen close. Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness! You stink of death! Butt-head! This man requires immediate medical attention!
- Butt-head: ...uh....
- Buzzcut: HOSPITAL, Butt-head! On the double!
- Butt-head: Yessss!
----
- Hospital Receptionist: Can I help you?
- Butt-head: Uh, he's got like, rabies or something.
- Hospital Receptionist: I see. What's your name?
- Butt-head: Uh, last name is 'Munch'. First name is 'Rodney'.
- Beavis: Yeah, heh heh, yeah. Rod Munch.
----
- Doctor: So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog. Well, don't be scared, cause look: a dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod. [does trick that makes it look like he's taking his thumb off]
- Butt-head: Uh huh huh. You're stupid.
- Beavis: Heh, yeah.
- Doctor: Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you?
- Butt-head: Uh, no. He wasn't like, very friendly.
- Beavis: Yeah, heh, he doesn't like me.
- Doctor: Well, we'll have to find him anyway. In a suspected case of rabies, the animal has to be destroyed, of course. And to check for presence of the disease, he cut off the head and disect the brain.
- Butt-head: Woah. That's cool.
- Doctor: Actually, yes. It is kind of cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on, Butt-head, let's go find that dog.
- Doctor: Not so fast, Rod. Let's talk about your symptoms first. Any dizziness? Nausea? Fever? Any convulsions?
- Beavis: Yeah. Heh, uh, no more than usual though.
- Doctor: Hmm, so far nothing checks out. Maybe you were lucky.
- Butt-head: Uh, you mean like, no decrapitation?
- Beavis: I've got it, I've got rabies!
- Doctor: ...okay. I'll call the police and let them know about the dog. But first, we better start treatment.
- Butt-head: Does he have to get a shot?
- Doctor: No.
- Beavis: Cool.
- Doctor: You have to get 18 of them, Rod.
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Doctor: In the stomach.
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: ....this sucks.
----
- TV: The good news about rabies is that treating it no longer means a series of painful injections into the solar plexus. New vaccines require only 5 simple shots in the arm.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis. How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?
- Beavis: Maybe he doesn't watch TV.
[switch to the Doctor, who is in a dark room wielding a needle]
- Doctor: Hahahaha! Rod Munch, huh? HAHAHAHA!
----
They're Coming To Take Me Away, Huh Huh
- Buzzcutt: Now, listen up people. I am not an unreasonable man, but I say that there's nothing wrong with you little monsters that can't be cured by a quick return to the days of CORPOREAL PUNISHMENT!
- Buzzcutt: Now, here to talk about your feelings is your new school psychiatrist, Dr. Floss.
----
- Dr. Floss: How about your parents? Your mother, for example. How do you feel about your mother?
- Beavis: Um, like this...(gesturing the shape of his mother's body) Yeah. Heh-heh. Kinda like this...(continuing to gesture).
- Butt-head: That's not how I feel your mother.
- Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker!
- [slaps Butt-headdown to the floor]
----
- Beavis: I got the last grape! [takes the last grape sucker]
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis! I saw it first!
- Beavis: [Spits on the sucker] My germs!
- Butt-head: [slaps Beavis, causing him to scream] No way! [gets kicked in the groin, followed by the head] Uuh! [gets tackled by Beavis] Aah!
- Beavis: [continues screaming] Butthole!
- Beavis: [while they're on the couch, in a somewhat suggestive position] No way! Come on, Butt-head! I always get the grape!
- Butt-head: It's not gonna taste like grape, when it's up your butt!
----
- Dr. Floss: [holds up a picture--merely a random pattern] What do you see in this picture?
- Butt-head: It's this dude, and he's like "auditioning his finger puppets". Huh huh.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. He's "shining his helmet".
- Dr. Floss: I see. And what do you see here? [holds up another picture of random shapes]
- Butt-head: Whoa... He's really corralling the tadpole.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. He's really peelin some chilis.
- Dr. Floss: I see. What about this one? [holds up another picture of no particular shape]
- Butt-head: Woah... Leave a little for next time, dude!
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. He's really, like, having a tug-of-war with Cyclops!
- Dr. Floss: I see.
- Butt-head: [takes the picture and looks at it] Paper or plastic, sir?
- Butt-head: Huhuh...he's masturbating.
- Dr. Floss: And how about this last drawing? [shows a picture of a Julio Iglesias-like singer holding his microphone pole between his legs in a suggestive manner]
- Butt-head: Uhh...that's, like, just a bunch of weird shapes.
- Dr. Floss: Fascinating. [calls for Principal McVicker via intercom] Principal McVicker, could you come in here? We've got big problems.
Pumping Iron
- Weight Lifter: You were supposed to be spotting me! Stickboy!
- Butt-Head: Uh... There you are. Uhuhuh
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, heh heh, I spotted you right over there.
- Weight Lifter: [lifts them up by the neck and growls]
- Beavis: [while choking] Heh heh hey, don't make me kick your ass.
[The weight lifter throws them through the window]
- Butthead: ...Exercise sucks.
----
Blackout!
- [Beavis and Butt-head are watching TV]
- TV Voice-over: We now return to Robert Yearing, Mellissa Gilbert, and Lou Ferigno in "Asbestos in Obstetrics."
- Bevis: Hey, Butt-head! What is Astesbos?
- Butt-head: Uhh... It's like, health food or something.
----
- (A blackout occurs, and people are looting around town)
- Butt-head: Are they having another one of those Midnight Madness sales?
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. WE'RE SLASHING PRICES! EVERYTHING MUST GO!
----
Late Night With Butt-head
- Mr. Van Driessen: Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and I want you to wow me.
- Butt-head: Uh...Is that allowed on school property?
----
- Butt-head: (as David Letterman) So we're going to go over our Top 10 List from our home office in Butt, Montana. (bounces pencil on table which goes flying right through Beavis (Paul Shaffer)'s glasses)
- Beavis: AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
- Butt-head: WHOA! That was cool!
----
- Butthead: We're gonna kick Letterman's butt.
The Final Judgement of Beavis
- Beavis: So like, in heaven, will all the chicks do anything I want?
- St. Peter: No.
- Beavis: That sucks. Do I get X-Ray Vision? Can I get some nachos?
- St. Peter: No.
- Beavis: Are you sure this is heaven?
----
- Beavis: What do you know, asswipe?
- St. Peter: I know everything, buttmunch.
----
- Butt-head: Beavis is not dog food. He's worm food.
Pool Toys
- Tom Anderson: You know, when a man builds a new swimming pool, there's some things he just can't do by himself.
- Butt-head: Beavis does things by himself.
----
- Tom Anderson: (Cleaning his glasses, unable to notice that his two workers are Beavis and Butt-Head) Well I can see you boys ain't like the usual hooligans running around here. Like these two fellows, uh, Buff-Coat and Beaver. Boy they've been nothing but trouble.
Madame Blavatsky
(Beavis and Butt-Head see a sign sponsoring fortune-telling)(Arabian music plays for two seconds)
Beavis: Woah, hey check that out!
Butt-Head: (pronouncing fortune teller) Fuh..fuh fart..Fuuh..forr..tuu Fortune, huh, huh, Fortune Teller.
Beavis: Yeah, heh, heh, heh, let's go tell her our fortune. Heh, heh, heh.
Butt-Head: No dumbass. She tells your fourtune.
Beavis: Oh, heh, heh, heh, hey Butt-Head, what's that mean?
Butt-Head: You know, your future.
Beavis: Heh, heh, heh, what's that mean?
Butt-Head: I don't know. Huh, huh, huh.
----
Madame Blavasky: (on the phone) YOU BETTER NOT COME AROUND HERE AGAIN LESTER, OR I'M CALLING THE COPS!!! (Beavis and Butt-Head walk inside) Wait, I got some customers.
----
Madame Blavasky: I see... a mansion... with many faithful servants.... a yacht...
Beavis: I don't see any of that crap.
----
(Beavis and Butt-Head are walking)
(Beavis is wearing a Professor Quirrel-like headdress)
Butt-Head: I didn't know you were psychic Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, remember what those doctors said on those tests?
Butt-Head: No Beavis, they said you were psycho.
Beavis and Butt-head Island
- Salesclerk: You boys don't look like you can afford anything in the store. Am I right?
- Butt-head: Uhh...
- Beavis: Umm...
- Salesclerk: ONLY paying customers are allowed to come here and stare. Now, get out!
Figure Drawing
[after the male model becomes nude]- Butt-head: Uh, tacos? You said there were tacos?
- Beavis: I don't feel too good. I don't want to draw some dude's schlong.
----
Butt Is It Art?
- Butt-head: [referring to a nude male statue's penis] Huhuh...it's hard, but it's not, like, hard.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Very good, Butt-head!
----
- Mr. Van Driessen: Now, works by the master painters of the centuries!
[Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter. Daria enters]
- Daria: He said master painters!
[Daria exits]
- Butt-head: Oh!
- Beavis: Yeah, master painting is cool.
----
- Beavis: What did you bring back, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: One huge boob. [shows Beavis] What did you bring back?
[Beavis shows Butt-head a picture of something flesh colored]
- Butt-head: Uh, what is it?
- Beavis: Heh heh. It's a butt.
----
Right On
- Gus Baker: You've got the Gus Baker show, and the first topic: The death penalty! Yes or no?!
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!! The chair!!!
- Gus Baker: In my opinion, you betcha!
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Yes! The chair!! The chair!!
- Gus Baker: And they call me reactionary...because I believe that criminals should be punished, and ordinary Americans like you and me should have the right to carry guns!
- Butt-head: This dude's cool.
- Gus Baker: Also on today's show: Music videos! Who makes these affronts to common decency?! Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that!!
- Butt-head: Yeah. They suck!!
- Gus Baker: But first, a commercial! Our lines are open! Give us a call!
----
- Butt-head: We think you're, like, cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, especially the part about giving dudes the chair. The chair!! The chair!!
- Gus Baker: The death penalty?
- Beavis: Yeah, and what you said about bums.
- Butt-head: And music videos.
- Gus Baker: Well, you know what they say--great minds think alike! Listening to you boys, I can tell that our younger generation still has the moral strength and character to make this country great again!
- Butt-head: Uhh...what?
----
- Gus Baker: Last week we heard from two boys whose characters were so impressive we brought them out here for today's show! Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buth-coat!!
- Gus Baker: Now, people say that yours is a lost generation...violent, lazy, uneducated, sexually active!!
- Butt-head: Huhuh, not Beavis.
- Beavis: Heheh, yeah, Butt-head doesn't get any either.
- Gus Baker: Well, you two are certainly fine upstanding young men...a credit to the youth of America!
- Butt-head: (looking around at the applauding "dittoheads" in the audience) Hey Beavis, you see any chicks?
- Gus Baker: Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you: As decent young men,don't you agree with me that there is something very, very wrong with these so-called "music videos?"
- Beavis and Butt-head: Yeah!! Really!!
- Gus Baker: These "rock videos" are immoral! Indecent! Profane! Scurrillous! And blasphemous!
- Beavis: Yeah! They suck! THEY SUCK!!! Indecent! Profane!
- Butt-head: Yeah, especially Meatloaf. He sucks!
- Gus Baker: Hey! We're on the air! You can't use that language!
- Beavis: We use language?
- Butt-head: (after Gus Baker whispers into his ear) Hey, Beavis, he says we can't say "sucks."
- Beavis: Really? That sucks.
- Butt-head: Can we say "buttwipe?"
- Beavis: Yeah, how about "bunghole"? Bunghole!
- Butt-head: What about buttmunch?
- Beavis: Yeah heheh, buttmunch. Or dillhole?
- Butt-head: Dillweed?
- Gus Baker: Hey! Do you use that language at home?
- Butt-head: Uhh...yeah!
- Beavis: Hey Gus...Peek-a-boo!! (moons the audience)
- Gus Baker: (running in front of Beavis) Cut to the commercial! GET THESE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF HERE!!!
- Butt-head: Uhh...do you use that language at home?
- Beavis: Peek-a-boo!! (presumably moons the security guards who pull him and Butt-head off stage)
----
- Butt-head: (watching a replay in which Beavis' mooning is pixelated) Hey Beavis...what's all that fuzzy stuff on your butt?
- Beavis: I don't know...is it still there? (mooning Butt-head)
- Butt-head: Uh, no...but it wouldn't hurt to wipe once in a while.
- Beavis: Uh...heheh, oh yeah, sorry. I was in a hurry.
- Butt-head: Beavis, get your butt out of my face and into that bathroom. Now.
- Beavis: Heheh, oh yeah, sorry.
(In the DVD cut, after Beavis moons Butthead he goes straight to simply responding "Beavis, get your butt out of my face now" and the episode ends.)
Manners Suck
- Beavis: [acting as a waiter] Uh, hi, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Hi, Master Beavis.
- Beavis: I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole! Uh, welcome to a restaurant. Would you like to take my order?
- Butt-head: Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!
- Mr. Manners [grabs Butt-head by the collar]: Listen, you little...t-t-twerp! This is my job, this is how I make money! Don't screw with me! [goes back to his place] Now, how about using some manners?
- Butt-head: Manners suck.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Don't "screw" with him.
- Butt-head: Yeah, he sure does like to touch.
- Beavis: He tried to touch my weiner!
- Mr. Manners: WHAT? YOU LITTLE LIAR! [starts strangling Beavis]
- Beavis: BACK OFF, YOU PERVERT!
- Mr. Manners: [David Van Driessen comes in] He's lying!
- David Van Driessen: Hey! Don't you dare lay a finger on my students! [breaks them up] Beavis, did he hit you?
- Beavis: Heh. Um. Heh. Yes, sir. Heh. He did. Heh. Thank you for your concern.
- Mr. Manners: What?! you little dirtball!! [goes to attack Beavis, but Van Driessen's hand stops him]
- David Van Driessen: You want to touch my students, I'll touch you!!! [Van Driessen and Mr. Manners get into a smack fight, the students start cheering]
- Mr. Manners: I'll get you, you little punks!!!
- Butt-head: Uh, no thank you, sir.
- Beavis: Yeah. Thank you. Drive through.
- David Van Driessen: Stop it! [throws a punch] Stop it!
- Mr. Manners: You're dead, hippie.
- David Van Driessen: You're going to jail, jackass!
- Mr. Manners: You're going down, Woodstock!
- David Van Driessen: [throws another punch] Take that, you Fascist!!!!
- Mr. Manners: You're hurting me! Security!!
----
The Pipe of Doom
- Butt-head: I wonder if they’re like, pipes for water, or pipes for crap?
- Beavis: It would be cool if they had pipes with crap and turds running through them.
- Butt-head: They do, dumbass. How do you think all that crap gets out of your house?
- Beavis: It doesn't. It's in my basement in little jars.
- Butt-head: Thats pretty disgusting, Beavis.
----
- Butt-head: I can't get out. I'm, like, stuck. Huh huh.
- Beavis: Really, heh heh. That's cool.
- Butt-head: It's not cool, Beavis. I'm not sure yet, but I think it sucks.
----
Mr. Anderson's Balls
- Beavis: Tit-le-ist!
----
- Butt-head: Beavis, your balls are filthy. Go to the ball washer, now!
----
(Beavis starts pumping ball washer)
- Golf Instructor: "You're pulling your head on every stroke."
(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer faster)
- Golf Instructor: "Let me see your bag."
(They laugh; Beavis pumps washer even faster)
- Golf Instructor: "Here, take your wood and try using a different grip on the shaft."
(They laugh)
----
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. We could get rich doing this. We need to get more balls.
- Beavis: [laughs] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head. You said heh, "we need to get more balls."
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh, oh yeah.
----
- Mr. Anderson: Wait a minute! These balls look kinda familiar.
- Butt-head: Uh, many balls look the same, sir.
- Beavis: Yeah, I have two that are identical.
----
Patients Patients
- Orthodontist: Well, Butt-head, we're not seeing a lot of progress here. Have you been wearing your rubber bands and headgear at night?
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh, headgear.
----
- Buzzcut: Now, Butt-head! You've waited your whole life to say this in class without getting in any trouble. Our topic for today is? [SEXUAL INTERCOURSE is written on the board]
- Butthead: [with mouth wired shut, unable to talk clearly] SEFUAL INTERCOUSE!
- Buzzcut: Say it, you pantywaste! Say it!
- Butthead: [still muffled] SEFUAL INTERCOUSE!
- Buzzcut: Get out of my class you insuboridnated maggot! Beavis! What does this say?
- Beavis: [wearing unneeded glasses, cannot read] Uh...uh...uh...
- Buzzcut: GET OUT!
----
- Optometrist: Now what do you see [points to vision test board]
- Beavis: Ummm. Uh, the alphabet. Heh Heh.
Teen Talk
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, someone like, stole our women!
- Butt-head: That sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah! It doesn't just suck, Butt-head, it like ahhh, REALLY sucks! We're never gonna score! We’re gonna be wussies! Forever!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis!
- Beavis: No, I can't settle down! We're NEVER gonna score! We’ll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score EVER! It's gonna suck!
- Bouncer: Hey, I warned you to be quiet! Don't make me come up there!
- Beavis: Shut up, asswipe! You probably score! And you're a dork! I'm NEVER gonna score! I'M NEVER GONNA SCORE! IT'S GONNA SUCK! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!
----
Vs. The Vending Machine
- Butt-head: Uh...I need like, 60 cents, 'cause my friend's like, uh, starving and stuff.
- Old woman: Really? Well, where is your friend?
- Butt-head: Uh...uh, he's, like, overseas or something.
- Old woman: Oh, I've seen those commercials.
- Butt-head: Yeah, me too.
- Old woman: It's so sad. [She hands Butt-head a dollar] Here you go.
- Butt-head: Uh...no. I said I need 60 cents, Buttmunch.
- Old woman: [getting into car] That's okay. I don't mind giving a little more.
- Butt-head: Uh...okay. [stares at her]
- Old woman: Yes?
- Butt-head: Uh...I thought you said you were gonna give me some more.
----
Generation in Crisis
- Reporter: In your own words, Steven, what is your "raison d'être" ?
- Beavis: Um... It's in my pants.
- Reporter: Where do you picture yourself in ten years ?
- Butt-Head: Uhh... Uh uh... Uhh... Uh uh...
- Reporter: You have a 21st-century marketplace you're gonna enter would be global electronic village. How are you preparing yourself for what is bound to be a complex and challenging world ?
- Butt-Head: Uhh... You said "enter"... Uh uh...
- Reporter: What are you feeling, right now ?
- Beavis: My left nad. It itches. Can I say "nad" ?
- Reporter: There is no censorship of any kind. This is an independant documentary film. With a generous grant from our friends at the exco corporation.
- Butt-Head: Uh uh... Censorship is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. Uh uh... Censorship is cool. Uh uh...
- Butt-Head: I like when they put these black boxes on people's thingies.
- Beavis: Yeah, like... Somebody's talking. And they say "Get the **BEEEEEEEEEEEEP**"
- Off Voice: Oh ! Cut !
Radio Sweethearts
- Butt-head: [reading a piece of paper that says "the tenth caller gets a free pair of Bon Jovi tickets] The teenth, cooler...
- Rabid Ron (Radio DJ): Tenth caller...
- Butt-head: Gets a free tattoo on his butt!
The Great Cornholio
- Stewart's Mom: Have you boys eaten breakfast?
- Beavis: ....I think I did once.
----
[eating breakfast burritos]
- Butt-Head: Hey Beavis, you think she's going to put a thermometer up his butt?
- Beavis: Yeah, heheh, and then she's going to put it in his mouth!
- Butt-Head: Ugh! What the hell is this crap? This isn't a burrito.
- Beavis: Yeah, I got eggs in mine! She tricked us.
- Butt-Head: No wonder Stewart's got diarrhea.
----
- Mr. Van Driessen: It's ironic that we in this country who cherish freedom occasionally support governments who are less responsive to human rights. We're fortunate to have had a very stable government for over 200 years. In other parts of the world, they aren't so lucky. The struggle for freedom is by no means over. It still goes on today in places like Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Panama...
- Beavis: Nicaragua? Agua! AGUA FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!
- Mr. Van Driessen: Beavis, please sit down.
- Beavis: Are you threatening me? I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!
- Mr. Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis, take your seat. Now, technically America is not a democracy but a republic....
- Beavis: (to Daria) Do you have TP? TP for my bunghole?
- Daria: Get out of here, Beavis.
----
- Principal McVicker: I don't know what you're thinking, but I simply cannot have students roaming the halls, interrupting other classes, and giving prophecies of a great plague.
----
- Beavis: DO NOT MAKE MY BUNGHOLE ANGRY!
Liar! Liar!
- Burger World Manager: [counting money] fifty, sixty, sixty five-
- Butt-head: Twelve.
- Burger World Manager: Shut up. [counts in the background]
- Beavis: One! Twenty-five cents.
- Butt-head: Uh, Sixty-nine.
- Beavis: Number two.
- Burger World Manager: Eighty three, eighty four, SHUT UP.
----
- Beavis: I didn't do it! I didn't do it! It was like...some foreigner.
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what are they gonna do to us?
- Butt-head: I think they're gonna make us take one of those polygrip tests.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that stuff's cool. I found some of that at Anderson's house, and it was like, I put it on my teeth and I was walking around going [clenches teeth together] rrrghgrggrhgrhg.
----
- Butt-head: Beavis, you suck as a liar.
- Beavis: Heh, yeah, liar. LIAR! Liar, liar, pants on-...heh! Woah.
----
[Butt-head is being hooked up to the lie detector tester]
- Mr. O'Brian: Alright, now I'm gonna ask you some questions. Failure to be truthful, and your responses will be interpreted as an acknowledgment of guilt. Do you understand?
- Butt-head: Uh... yeah. [The detector dings 'false'] Uh huh huh. Uh, I mean, no. [The detector dings 'true'] Huh huh huh.
- Mr. O'Brian: Just tell the truth and you have nothing to worry about. Let's begin.
- Butt-head: Uh huh huh huh. [takes a deep breath and holds it] Huh huh...
----
[Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is red]
- Mr. O'Brian: Okay, now. Please tell me your name.
- Butt-head: [trying to hold his breath and talk at the same time] Butt-head...
- Mr. O'Brian: Okay, good. Now, Butt-head, could you tell me how many fingers I am holding up?
- Butt-head: [his face becomes even more red, yellow bubbles appearing around his head] Uhh, four? [The detector dings 'true']
- Mr. O'Brian: Well, it's three, actually, but since you think it's four, you didn't really lie. So, that's good. [Butt-head's face turns crimson red] Now, Butt-head, tell me. In all of your life, have you ever stolen anything?
----
[Beavis is still in the waiting room]
- Beavis: I didn't do it, bunghole! Heh heh.
----
[The lie detector's pulse papers are moving violently, Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is now a red hued purple, he is now on the verge of losing consciousness]
- Mr. O'Brian: I'll repeat the question, Butt-head. Have you ever stolen anything?
- Butt-head: Uhh... [wires start short circuiting, due to violent pulses] Uhhhh... [collapses from asphyxiation] Uh huh huh huh... [the detector lets out a flat pulse]
----
[Beavis is hooked up to the lie detector tester]
- Mr. O'Brian: Good. Well, young man, I'd like to get a base reading here. Could you say something?
- Beavis: Uh, heh, yeah, heh.
- Mr. O'Brian: Just say anything. The first thing that comes into your mind.
- Beavis: Um, heh heh, I killed a bunch of people once.
[The detector dings 'true' and Beavis takes a deep breath and holds it]
----
- News Reporter: When asked how a teenage boy could have commited a crime that happened more than 2 decades ago, a police spokesman explained, quote, "He's very clever".
----
Held Back
- [In a kindergarten class]
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis. These chicks are flat.
- [The kindergarten class are read a book by their teacher]
- Kindergarden Teacher: Butt-head, are you angry?
- Butt-head: I'm, like, angry at numbers.
- Beavis: There's like, too many of 'em and stuff.
----
- [Both are taken to the principal's office by the kindergarten teacher]
- Kindergarten Teacher [To the principal]: Get these two imbeciles out my class, or find yourself a new kindergarten teacher!
----
[The pair are brought back to Highland High, where there's a disagreement between the two principals]
- McVicker: Star pupils? My ass! These two are morons!
- Wilson Elementary Principal: You just weren't reaching them. They've learned everything they're going to learn in elementary school. Their young minds need room to grow, so we graduated them early. And they're not coming back.
- [Principal walks off]
- Butt-head [to McVicker]: You just weren't reaching us, dude.
- Beavis: Yeah, and if you try reaching for us, I'll kick you in the nads!
- McVicker: Oh, for crying out loud!
- [McVicker walks back into the school, followed by Beavis and Butt-head]
----
Killing Time
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I think I might throw up.
- Butt-head: Cool. That might like, take some time.
- Beavis: [leans over and gags, then coughs] ...I can't do it.
- Butt-head: [gags as well] Uh...me neither. And there's like, an hour and a lot of minutes before something cool's on TV. Time sucks.
----
- Butt-head: [holding an empty garbage can] Now remember the rules, Beavis. I throw it at you, then you throw it at me.
- Beavis: Um, I don't get it. How do you win? [is hit in the head with the can, and falls over]
- Butt-head: [laughs] That was cool.
----
- Beavis: What do we do now?
- Butt-head: Uh...we could do homework.
[both laugh]
----
- Stewart: Hey guys, what are you doing?
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Stewart can like, kill some time.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Say something, Stewart.
- Stewart: Really? You wanna talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Let's go to the mall, I know this great new place-
- Butt-head: [interrupting] This sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah.
[both get up and leave]
- Stewart: [not realizing they have left] We could go to my house. I have this awesome new video game.
----
Beard Boys
(The boys are watching tv, movie with a man in woman in bed together; the man has a beard)- Woman on TV: Oh Steve, my career as a leading molecular biologist seems so far away.
- Man: Yea, but I'm not.
- Woman: Damn you're smooth. oooooohhhhh!
- Butthead: Whoa! We gotta get us one of those!
- Beavis: What, a testicular biologist?
- Butthead: No dumbass, a beard. We don't score because chicks don't think we're manly enough.
----
- Butt-head: You know what they say Beavis, when you walk the walk you gotta...uhhh, talk too.
- Beavis: What's that mean?
- Butt-head: It means we gotta hit on the chicks, assmunch. Otherwise they'll just think we're like, all looks. Check out those chicks over there!
- Beavis: Hey baby--
- Butt-head: Hey baby-- Check out our beards.
- Beavis: Damn, we're smooth.
- Girl: We're gonna call the cops if y'all don't leave us alone.
- Butt-head: That sucked.
- Beavis: Yeah.
----
- repeated line
- Beavis: Damn, we're/you're smooth.
Choke
- Butt-head: [choking] Beavis! Beavis! I'm choking!
- Beavis: Yeah, so. What do you want me to do about it?
- Butt-head: Call 911!
- Beavis: Why don't you call? You're closer.
- Butt-head: You're closer, dumb-ass.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah.
----
- 911 Operator: What’s the emergency, sir?
[Beavis laughs]
- 911 Operator: Is there an emergency, sir?
- Beavis: Butt-head's like, choking. Heh heh, on chicken.
- 911 Operator: Have you performed the Heimlich?
- Beavis: Uhm, is this like, one of those 976 numbers? Heh, what are you wearing?
- 911 Operator: I repeat, have you heimliched the victim?
- Beavis: Have I licked his rectum? Heh, No way! But uh, one time me and Butt-head were playing truth or dare, and uh...
- 911 Operator: Sir, please. If you want to save your friend’s life, you need to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.
- Beavis: [looks down at Butt-head’s butt] Uhm...heh, he’s not really my friend.
----
Safe House
- Todd: Get the door, you turds. And remember: act dumb. Oh, and bring some of those marshmallow crackers next time, or I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass!
Walkathon
- Stewart: Socko's great.
- Butt-head: Uh,huh,huh,huh... Socko has a hand up his butt.
- Beavis: Heh,heh,heh,heh, yeah,heh,heh,heh.
Temporary Insanity
- Butt-head [whilst sat on the photocopier]: Would you like a copy of my butt?
Plastic Surgin'
- Butt-head: Hey, we could do that so that we could get bigger thingies.
- Beavis: [looks down his shirt] Mine are big enough already. Heh, it's not worth the risk.
- Butt-head: Not bigger boobs, dumbass, like we could get bigger wieners.
----
- Butt-head: We're gonna need bigger hands.
----
Beaverly Buttbillies
[Digging for oil in their backyard]- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. We're in a hole.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. Hole. [Beavis hits a pipe with his shovel] Hey, Butt-head! Butt-head! I just like, felt something.
- Butt-head:[thinking he meant a boner] Uh...okay.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. Wait, no, no. I mean, I felt something, like, with my shovel. Come here, check it out. [He bangs on the pipe with his shovel, and makes a hole in it. Sewage starts coming out] It's oil! It's oil, Butt-head! We've struck oil! It's oil!
- Butt-head: Cool! A bubbling crude.
- Beavis: Yeah. Oil, that is.
- Butt-head: Black gold.
- Beavis: Texas tea.
- Butt-head:[smelling it] Ugh! Oil smells like turds.
- Beavis: Yeah. I bet that's why it's so expensive.
----
Tainted Meat
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, put that away. You're not supposed to have your penis out while you're cooking.
- Beavis: Oh...oh yeah. [angry customer drives away]
- Butt-head: Err, can I take your order?
----
- Butt-head: Uhh...what seems to be the problem there, Beavis?
- Beavis: My thingie itches. It's like the wrong color or something...check it out.
- Butt-head: Uhh...no thanks, Beavis.
- Beavis: (continuing to scratch his pubic area) Ow, rrr, ehh! Ahh!
----
- TV Reporter: An outbreak of tainted meat has struck the local Burger World, and once again raised the question of how meat should be handled.
- Butt-head: Huhuhuh...ask the expert.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! (continues scratching)
- TV Reporter: Pending a health inspection, Burger World will remain closed.
- Beavis: This sucks!
- Butt-head: Yeah! We lost our jobs!
- Beavis: No! My weiner still itches!
----
- Butt-head: Face it Beavis, you have a problem with your penis. Maybe you should wash it or something.
- Beavis:Yeah, I'll just...wait, with water? No way, then it'll get all wet.
- Butt-head: Life is hard, Beavis.
----
Stewart Moves Away
- Beavis: Stewart's dad's dirty magazines.
- Butt-head: We've torn out all the pages with butts on them, but there's still plenty of good boobs left.
----
Wet Behind The Rears
[outside. Beavis and Butt-Head are watching various sport activities.]- Butt-head: Pole-vaulters. Baton Passers. Javelin throwers. [a javelin hits Beavis's hand. Beavis screams] Whoa. [Butt-head removes the javelin from Beavis] You dumbass. I'd warn you. [Buzz-Cut blows his whistle]
- Buzzcut: All right, men! Hit the showers! Now!
[Beavis and Butt-Head laugh]
----
[in the showers]
- Buzzcut: Where in the hell do you think you're going?
- Butt-head: Uhhh... to class?
- Beavis: Umm.. yeah, yeah, to class, me too.
- Buzzcut: Maybe you didn't hear me when I told you to hit the showers!
- Butt-head: Uhh, we thought you were like, talking to somebody else?
- Buzzcut: I was talking to everybody!
- Butt-head: But like, uhh... we didn't sweat.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's all the same sir, um, I'd just like to wait till I get home to take a shower. That'll be great.
- Buzzcut: Look at you boy! You're covered in crap!
- Beavis: Uhmmm... That was last week. This is blood, sir.
- Buzzcut: Name of this class is Physical Education! And that includes proper personal hygiene! Hit the showers now, or fail!
- Butt-head: Uhhh... Well, it looks kinda crowded in there.
- Buzzcut: Do I have to undress you myself, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uh, no?
- Beavis: no?
----
[On taking a shower at school]
- Beavis: This sucks. I hate taking showers.
- Butt-head: Yeah, I don't want some naked dudes standing with a schlong right next to me.
- Beavis: Yeah, really! I don't want some naked dude standing next to me with his schlong slinging around saying 'Hey good game man.'
- Butt-head: And you better not look at me, fart-knocker, or I'll kick your ass.
- Beavis: You look at me, I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Guy: Hey Beavis and Butt-Head, are you guys gonna finally take a shower?
- Butt-head: Uhhh... ummm... hey dude.
- Guy: I've never seen you guys take a shower before.
- Butt-head: Uhhh... Yeah.
- Guy: How come you guys never take a shower?
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, it's all clear.
- Guy: Hey Beavis, can you help me with this?
[Beavis Screams]
----
- Buzzcut: I am beginning to wonder if you boys have ever taken a shower in your lives. What in the hell do you think you're doing with your underwear still on?
- Beavis: Um, we don't want anybody looking at our nads.
- Butt-head: Yeah, are you one of those gym teachers that likes to hang out and watch dudes in the shower?
- Buzzcut: Dammit, boys, you have pushed me to the limit! You're not getting out of it this time! I'm gonna tear your - [the fire alarm begins to go off] That's the fire alarm! Now hurry up and get out of here!
- Butt-Head: Dude, we have been saved by the power supreme.
- Beavis: Yeah, fire drills rule.
- Buzzcut: Are you deaf? That's the fire alarm! Get the hell out of here now!
- Butt-Head: Uhhh... We're just gonna like, get dressed first.
- Beavis: We'll be right out. See you later.
- Buzzcut: That is a FIRE ALARM! That means the school may be burning down! Now if you don't get the hell out of here, I'm gonna personally grab you by the grundies AND DRAG YOU OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY! SO GET THE HELL OUT! NOW!
----
[Next to the entrance]
- Butt-Head: Uhhh... uhhh...
- Buzzcut: Get out there before I drag you out!
[Beavis and Butt-Head get outside]
- Girl: Hey, look, it's Beavis and Butt-head!
[every student outside starts to laugh at Beavis and Butt-head in their undies. Inside, Principal McVicker is seen holding down the fire alarm switch]
- McVicker: Uhhh... Good job!
- Buzzcut: Too bad! Another minute and they might have been naked! [starts to laugh too. McVicker laughs as well]
- McVicker: Yeah. Look at them.
Lightning Strikes
- TV voiceover: You're watching PBS.
- Butt-head: He said "BS".
- Beavis: But first he said "P".
[Both look in amazement at the documentary, and the lightning outside]
- Butt-head: Get the kite, Beavis.
Dream On
- [Butt-head dreams that he's on Star Trek: The Next Generation]
- Butthead: Number 1, I order you to take a Number Two.
- Beavis: Aye-aye, Captain.
----
- [Butt-head dreams he's on The Oprah Winfrey Show, surrounded by women, with the headline "Butt-head: Sleeps With Chicks"]
- Oprah: Butt-head, you've slept with over 5,000 women. How do you explain the attraction to you?
- Butt-head: Uh...just look at me!
----
- [Butt-head dreams that he is on the Brady Bunch, his face is in a square alongside the three girls]
- Butt-head: [chorus] Here's the story of a guy named Butt-head, who was horny for three very lovely girls...
- [Beavis' face in a square pops up]
- Beavis: [chorus] Then along came a guy named Beavis, he was horny too.
Candy Sale
- Buzzcut: All right, losers: remember, you're competing against other classess, and I'll be damned if my class is gonna lose!
----
- Mr. Candy: They're a real bargain at only $2 each. Heck, they practically sell themselves! Now, what if I told you that the richest man...
- Butt-head: [mockingly] Blah blah blah blah blaaah bluhhh-ehhh!
- Beavis: [in imitation] Blaaaah-blaaaah, heck, they practically sell themselves, ehhhh!
- Mr. Candy: Well, you two seem to be real know-it-alls. Why don't you tell us what you're gonna say when a customer says "no"?
- Butt-head: Uhhhh, I'd say, "blah blah blah blah blah-leuuuh-luh!"
- Beavis: [in imitation again] Blah blah blah blah, what do you say when a customer says no? You seem to know it all! Blah blah blah-blah-blah-blah!
----
- Butt-head: Our school's making us sell candy.
- Beavis:Yeah, we're losers!
- Mr. Anderson: What in the hell kind of sales approach is that?! You boys couldn't sell a dollar for 50 cents.
----
- Butt-head: He wants what's in your pocket.
- Beavis: He's a pocket fisherman.
- Mr. Candy: Oh no, you're not gonna pull that on me again! It took me six months to get another job. [Grabs Beavis] Now give me the rest of the money, you little twerp!
- Beavis: Ahhh! He's trying to touch my wiener! Let go, pervert!
- Butt-head: Kick him in the nads, Beavis!
- Mr. Candy [Grabs Butt-head as well]: You too, you little farter!
- [Buzzcut comes in]
- Buzzcut: What in the hell are you doing?! This is my class, I do the ass-kicking around here!
- Mr. Candy: Wait your turn, Jarhead! [slaps him, Buzzcut's face turns red, and becomes furious]
- Buzzcut: You just made a fatal mistake, Mr. Candyass! I hope you know something about hand-to-hand combat!
- Mr. Candy: Oh, you're going down, soldier boy! [tries to hit him, but Buzzcut brutally kicks him in the head]
- Beavis: Kick 'em, kick 'em!
- Butt-head: Kick 'em in the butt.
- Beavis: Kick 'em in the nads!
----
Animation Sucks
- Butt-head: Hey let's like, draw more people getting killed. That way we can make a total massacre.
- Beavis: Yeah, MASSACRE! MASSACRE!
----
- Beavis: So like, in animation you have to draw tons of dead people just to end up with two dead people?!
- Butt-head: Animation sucks!
The History Of Women
- Mr. Van Driessen: OK, let's see, who hasn't gone yet? Beavis! Are you ready to inspire us with your report?
- Butt-head: [awakens Beavis by slapping him] You're next, dillhole!
- Mr. Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis! Stand up and tell us about the woman you admire the most!
- Beavis: Um... oh yeah... OK.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Go ahead! Reveal to us the identity of this profoundly influential female!
- Beavis: Oh yeah! Um, uh... oh yeah. My mom!
- Butt-head: You wuss.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head, I hope your report is a little more wider in scope than Beavis's.
- Butt-head: The woman I admire most, is... uh... Beavis's mom.
Pregnant Pause
- Woman in store: [to her pregnant friend] Girl, I can't believe you went and got yourself pregnant.
- Beavis: You can get yourself pregnant?! AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH! [takes pregnancy test from woman] Gimme one of those!
----
- Butt-head: What's up with you, Beavis? You look like you're pregnant.
- Beavis: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
----
- Beavis: The chick said it changes colour if your pregnant so, [reads French instructions] Esay la Peesee la Pregwa... Okay [tries sticking the test tube in his belly button] Maybe it goes in here...
[afterwards]
- Beavis: [mutters] It better not change color. [whizzes in pregnancy test tube] It turned yellow! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
----
- Woman On TV: It couldn't be morning sickness. What about these cravings? Oh my God! I better NOT be PREGNANT!! Jake! Get me some nachos!
----
Here Comes The Bride's Butt
- Butt-head: I just realized something. Being married would suck. You'd just hang around with the same person all the time, and say all the same dumb stuff over and over again. That would suck.
- Beavis: Heh, yeah.
- Tom Anderson: [to his wife] Hold my hand, honeybunch.
- Butt-head: [to Beavis] Pull my finger, buttmunch.
- Beavis: This music sucks!
- Butt-head: Yeah... I wonder when the bride chick's gonna be here...
Oil Change
- Gas station worker: Oh, Burger World, huh? I tried to get a job there once.
Buttniks
[Beavis and Butt-head are walking, until they see a woman stood outside a beatnik club.]- Female beatnik:
- "Your touch, I shiver
- Your tongue, I quiver
- My loins, my liver
- I, the taker; you, the giver"
- Do you like my poem?
- Butt-head: Err...
- Beavis: Yeah! Your loins, your liver!
- Female beatnik: There's plenty more inside.
----
- Butt-head: The phone is ringing and I cannot linger. So look out butt, here comes my finger!
----
- Cornholio: I am Cornholio; I need T.P. for my bunghole. I want all your crappuccino!
- Butt-head: Do it, brother Beavis!
- Cornholio: Are you threatening me!? You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole! My bunghole it goes bungo chungo rungo raaaaapapapapapapa! And one for you! Rrrrpagh!
----
- Butt-head: There once was a man from Venus...who had a rocket-shaped, uh...wiener.
----
Bang The Drum Slowly, Dumbass
- Mr. Van Driessen: Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.
- Butt-head: Beavis wrestles with his manhood.
- Beavis: Yeah, heh, I usually win.
----
- Butt-head: [bangs the drum] This sucks. [bangs it again] Uh....this sucks. [bangs it some more] This sucks.
----
- Mr. Van Driessen: Now Beavis, try and get in touch with your inner male.
- Beavis: Heheh, no way! Not with a bunch of dudes watching!
----
- Beavis: [beats drum] Woah, that was pretty cool. [beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster]
- Mr. Van Driessen: Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.
- Beavis: Yeah, hehe, it’s like, it’s like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies! I wanna see their thingies! But they won’t let me! And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!
- Other dude 1: We feel your male pain.
- Beavis: I feel like I’m never gonna score! And chicks don’t wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how’s it goin?’ heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!
- Other dude 2: I can identify with that….I guess.
- Beavis: And sometimes I just wanna like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room! That way I can see their boobs!
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
- Beavis: It’s like I know they’re naked inside there, and I just can’t stand it! And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria too! And then the library! Destroy all the books! Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal’s office, and bulldoze the principal’s office too! EHEHEHEH!
- Other dude 1: I think someone’s inner warrior needs to go back to basic training...
- Beavis: Things will never turn out they way they-!
- Mr. Van Driessen: [interrupting] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis. [reaches over to get the drum back]
- Beavis: [beats his hand away] NEVER!
- Other dude 3: Someone take that damn drum away from him!
- Other dude 2: What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?
- Other dude 1: You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ARE a pantywaste.
- Other dude 3: And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock? Woodstock my ass!
- Beavis: [beating the drum each time he says it] Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!
----
- Beavis: [tired, some time at least a day later, when school is back in session and Mr. Van Driessen asks Butt-head where he is] I get the crane with the wrecking ball, and the bulldozer, one of those really nice shovels, and a backhoe and a forklift, a front end motor and a combine. and um...a getaway car and some rubbers. Only then will I score. Butt-head?
----
Tired
[Beavis and Butt-head are jumping on the bells at the gas station]- Gas station worker: Hey, you punks! Stop jumping on my bells, or I'll give you something to jump about.
- Butt-head: Did he say "Stop jumping on my balls?"
- Beavis: STOP JUMPING ON MY BALLS!
- Gas station worker: Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.
[The two head to the back of the gas station to break the bottle, but they soon see a tyre]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Check it out. That's the biggest tyre I ever saw.
----
- [Beavis' ride in the tyre causes not only a car crash, but also makes Todd spill a small drop of beer onto his jeans]
- Todd: Aw, Dammit! My good jeans.
----
[Beavis then hits a car owned by a redneck couple, Butt-head soon follows up]
- Redneck Woman: HEY! IF YOU STEP ON MY PROPERTY AGAIN, I'LL SUIT YOUR ASS!
----
[Todd arrives at the parking lot where he is about to attack Beavis for making him spill beer on his jeans.]
- Todd: You pre-schoolers are dead! You made me spill beer all over my jeans!
- Butt-head: Do you want me to kick Beavis' ass for you?
- Todd: That won't be necessary, man.
Close Encounters
- Spelling: Butt-head, perhaps you see a part of yourself in Michael.
- Butt-head: Yeah, my butt.
- Spelling: And Beavis, is that what you feel?
- Butt-head: Beavis feels himself.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Heh, I'll kick your ass!
----
- Butt-head: [thinking] You will get the chick across from you. You will see her thingies. It is going to be cool.
----
Womyn
- Butt-Head: Dammit, Beavis! We gotta room full of chicks who do it for free, and all you can think about is why there aren't more guys here?!
- Beavis: Ummm, yea, hehheh.
- Butt-Head: Beavis, I'm a little dissapointed in you!
Premature Evacuation
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. I bet if we had a bomb, Pantera would hang out with us.
- Butt-Head: Yeah. We could make 'em hang out with us.
Patsies
- Mr. Buzzcut: For today's positive activity you're gonna wash my wagoneer!
- Patsy: Umm, that's not what my dad said we're gonna do.
- Mr. Buzzcut: Your dad's not here, boy! And for the tenth time, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna positively kill you!
----
- Butt-Head: Heh heh heh heh, "wood."
- Beavis: Heh heh, "boner!"
Murder Site
- Butt-head: Turn on the lights, buttknocker. I can't see anything!
- Beavis: [angrily] Stop calling me "buttknocker"!
- Butt-head: Beavis, you buttmunch, turn on the light before I kick your ass!
- Beavis: [calmly] Okay. That's better. [switches the lamp on]
- Butt-head: [scoping the living room, which resembles their own living room] This is cool.
- Butt-head: So, uh... where do you think he killed him?
- Beavis: Hmm, let's see. It looks like he fell. I'd have to say he died right about here. [points to an outline of the victim's lying position] Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Oh, yeah.
- Beavis: Whoa! [walks toward tire iron] Check out this thing. [picks up tire iron] I bet he hit him with this.
- Butt-head: Don't be stupid, Beavis. That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. [throws tire iron right next to the lamp table] Whoa. [spots a TV remote and picks it up] Hey, I got the remote. Let's see what's on TV.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I told you I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore. [makes an unsuccessful grab for the remote] Now, give me that, buttknocker!
- Beavis: No way, and stop calling me "buttknocker"!
- Butt-head: [climbs toward Beavis] Give it here, before I kick your buttknockering ass! [manages to grip the remote with Beavis still holding it, before they drop it on the floor]
- Beavis: Stop calling me that, Butt-head! [punches Butt-head twice in the stomach] Stop it!
- Butt-head: [knees Beavis in the groin] Buttknocker!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up!! [growls uncontrollably, Beavis and Butt-head fall behind couch] I'm gonna kill you, Butt-head!! I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you!!!
- Butt-head: [knocks lamp over] Oh, yeah? [throws punch at Beavis, most likely his head] You and what other buttknockers?
- Beavis: [Beavis and Butt-head fall on the couch, then the floor] Shut up, Butt-head!!
- Butt-head: Buttknocker...
- Beavis: SHUT UP!
- Butt-head: Buttknocker...
- Beavis: STOP IT!
- Butt-head: Buttknocker...
- Beavis: I'LL KILL YOU!!!
- Police Lieutenant: [barges in] GET HIM!
- Beavis: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! [growls uncontrollably, then gets apprehended by the officers] Come on! Let me go! I'm gonna kill Butt-head! I'm gonna kill him! [growls uncontrollably]
- Butt-head: [watches as Beavis is taken away] That was cool. [laughs in lower pitch than normal] Uh huh huh huh.
----
Spanish Fly
- Butt-Head: Hey Beavis, huh huh huh. If you like, abstract a chick, huh huh huh, then I can like, stick it in her taco! Huh huh huh.
- Beavis: Heh heh heh m heh No way, Butt-Head! We have to like, give her the Spanish Fly first!
- Butt-Head: What the hell do you think I'm talking about, butt plug?!?!
- Beavis: Um, I uh, oh yeah, yeah heh heh heh m heh...
----
[Tommy, the student who's consumed the Spanish Fly, has got a scared Beavis in a wrestling position]
- Beavis: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S GOT A BONER!!!!
- Butt-head: Kick him in the nads, Beavis.
[Beavis delivers a low blow to Tommy]
- Buzzcut [Whilst tending to Tommy]: Beavis, get back here!
- Beavis: Let's get outta here before he screws us all!
[Beavis and Butt-head walk out]
----
Sexual Harassment
- Butt-head: Right now, I'm being sexually harassed by Kimberly.
- Kimberly: WHAT!?!
- Beavis: Yeah, me too, she's giving me a stiffy.
- Butt-head: Yeah, and it makes it like uncomfortable to work and stuff....usually harasses me at least once a day.
- Beavis: Four or five times for me, sir.
----
Bus Trip
- Butt-Head: Let's write big butt on the chalkboard.
[Beavis and Butt-head are about to deface the blackboard when they see the words, "FIELD TRIP TODAY"]
- Butt-head: Wait, it's trying to tell us something. [Begins to read] "Feel"..."Tit"...err..."Tripe"...
----
- Butt-Head: I've got a rock formation in my pants.
[Van Driessen has got his guitar ready and asks the students for song requests]
- Dean: Like, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?
- Van Driessen: Good, Dean. But beer and driving don't mix. How about 99 Bottles of Tea on the Wall. Or we could try some other arrangement.
- Beavis [Whilst mooning at other cars]: Peek-a-boo!
----
U.S. History
- Daria: And when this "magic bullet" went into the President's chest, it had to make a sharp turn in order to exit his body from the neck. Then it would have had to turn right, then left, and somehow have enough energy to hit the Governor in the front seat. Clearly, the assassination was a conspiracy.
- Mr. Van Driessen Thank you, Daria. That gave me the chills. Folks, these have been some of the best oral reports I have ever heard!
- Butt-Head: Huhuhuh...oral.
- Beavis: Yeah, heheh, I'm going to do an anal report.
--------
- Daria: You guys will never graduate.
- Butt-Head: Uhh... never masturbate?
- Daria: Graduate! It's when you're all done with school.
- Beavis: You mean, like, school ends?
- Mr. Van Driessen: That's right, Beavis. When you finish high school, you'll never have to take another class if you don't want to. But that's not going to happen if you don't give your oral report right now.
- Beavis: My report, is on the time, me and Butt-Head had like, dinner and stuff.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Now Beavis, what does that have to do with American hist—
- Beavis: [angrily] Shut up, I'm not done yet!
- Mr. Van Driessen: Now Butt-Head, please make your report about a figure in American history.
- Butt-Head: Uhh. Okay. Uhh, my report is, uhh, my report is about the time I kicked Beavis in the nads and he was, like, passed out all day.
Date Watchers
[Beavis and Butt-head are watching Mr. Van Driessen and his girlfriend through the window]- Butt-head: Grab his schlong!
Babysitting
- Butt-Head: You're not suppose to touch him, Beavis. It's like against the law or something...
Stewart Is Missing
- Stewart's Mom: It's not like Stewart to miss lunch!
- Beavis: I bet. He's fat.
----
- Butt-head: Maybe he has diarrhea.
- Stewart's Mom: [crying] He does NOT have diarrhea. I'm his mother, I would know if he had diarrhea.
----
- Beavis: Have you looked in the garbage can?
- Stewart's Mom: [crying] Oh no, you...
- Butt-head: Beavis, you dumbass, why'd you tell her that? ... Stewart doesn't fit in a garbage can, dumbass, remember? If you wanted to put Stewart in a garbage can, you'd have to like, cut him up into little pieces.
----
- Stewart's Mom: My poor Stewart! What could have happened to him?
- Beavis: um...Maybe somebody killed him and burried him in a shallow grave. [Stewart's mom sobs louder] Um...what's the matter?
----
Sprout
- Mr. Van Driessen: Now, Beavis and Butt-head, if you could grow any type of food, what would you grow?
- Beavis: Heh heh. Um...nachos.
- Butt-head: Nachos aren't a plant, dumbass. They, like, make 'em from stuff.
- Mr. Van Driessen: That's right, Butt-head. And corn is an excellent choice. Or, as the Native Americans call it, "maize".
- Beavis: No, no, no. We want to grow nachos.
- Mr. Van Driessen: In a few months, Beavis, when the corn grows, you'll be able to make your own nachos.
- Beavis: Yeah, but we can go to Maxi-Mart and get some right now.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but this is school. They have to do everything ass-backwards.
----
Prank Call
- Harry [answering his phone] um...Hello...?
- Beavis uh...uh...YOU SUCK! [toilet flushes]
----
- Harry [answering the phone] Yeah?
- [Butt-Head manages to do number two whilst on the phone]
[toilet flushes]
- Beavis [in the background]: It's Harry Sachz!!!
----
[The boys have just prank called Harry Sachz, and Harry calls them back]
- Butt-head: Uh, hello?
- Harry Sachz: Hey, congratulations. You just won yourself a free pizza.
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Harry Sachz: We'll be happy to deliver it right over to your house. What's your address?
- Butt-head: Uhh...
- Harry Sachz: You don't know your own address?
- Butt-head: Uhh...
- Harry Sachz: Uh, tell you what. Do you have any mail around? Read me the address off of that.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Do we, like, have any mail around?
- Beavis: Uh, let's see. Just that stuff we took out of Stewart's mailbox.
- Butt-head:[into phone] Uh, okay.
- Harry Sachz: Good. Now, what does it say?
- Butt-head: Uh, Stewart Stevenson, uh, 67 Maple Street. Now hurry up and get that pizza over here. I'm hungry.
[Butt-head hangs up, then Harry Sachz does and breaks his pencil while laughing]
----
- Harry Sachz [After giving a bog-wash to Mr. Stevenson]: Listen very carefully, funny man! If you ever, EVER, call me again, I swear I'll find you, where ever you are, and I'll GUT you! [Undoes Mr. Stevenson's pants] And just to be sure you DON'T call me, I'm gonna stick your phone where you're gonna have an AWFUL HARD TIME DIALLING IT!
- Mr. Stevenson: No, please, no... [Sachz shoves phone up Mr. Stevenson's anus]
----
No Service
- [on the phone]
- Butt-head: Uhh, what?
- Manager: [over the phone] This is your boss at Burger World. We're having an extremely busy lunch, I need one of you to come down to Burger World
- Butt-head: Uhh, I'm like, busy watching TV.
- Manager: Well, then, let me talk to the other one.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay. [does a bad impression of Beavis] Uh huh huh huh. Like, hi, this is Beavis, uh huh huh huh, yeah, huh huh huh. I'll be right in, sir, yeah, huh huh huh huh. You can always, like, count on me, sir, huh huh huh huh. [hangs up] Hey Beavis, that was that manager dude at Burger World. He says you have to go to work right now.
- Beavis: No way! That sucks! It sucks! Hey, how come you don't have to go to work?
- Butt-head: Because I'm, like, busy watching TV.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. This sucks
----
- Customer: I want a bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo, a want a large chocolate shake, two orders of onion rings, an apple pie, and a diet cola.
- Beavis: You said 'pie.' That's funny, right?
----
Yard Sale
- [The pair arrive at Mr. Anderson's yard sale]
- Mr. Anderson: I can get you a real good deal on that bushwhacker.
- [Beavis and Butt-head start laughing]
- Butt-head: Bush.
- Beavis: Whacker.
P.T.A.
- [The pair receive a letter that's supposed to be for their parents]
- Beavis: Maybe we can suggest that school sucks. SUCKS! SUCKS!
- Butt-head: Or maybe we can suggest that we can get a teacher that's cool.
Substitute
- Mr. Van Driessen: Okay, class. I'm very disappointed with your test scores.
- Butt-head: We scored.
Shopping List
- [Mr. Anderson has just given the pair a shopping list]
- Butt-head: Would you like some toilet paper?
- Beavis [in the style of Cornholio]: TP, for your bunghole!
Buy Beer
- [Butt-Head puts down 6 cans of non-alcoholic beer on the register stand]
- Cashier: Yeah, Can I help you?
- Butt-Head: Yeah. We're going to buy this beer and get drunk.
- Cashier: Yeah? Well, you can't buy beer unless you're 21. Lemme see some ID.
- Butt-Head: Oh. Uh.. Well... Uh... Uh.. Uh... Huh huh... We left our IDs in the truck.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah. Truck.
- [the cashier checks the contents of the beer which says "Contains no alcohol"]
- Cashier: Oh, you guys are buying that pee-water. I guess I can sell that crap to you.
- Butt-Head: That's right. You can sell it to us. (chuckles) We're old.
Vaya Con Cornholio
At Burger World- Butt-head: [eating a burger] Huh huh huh. Hey, Beavis, how's that new soda?
- Beavis: Mmm, mh heh, it's pretty good.
- Immigration Officer: Hey, you! ¿Habla español?
- Cornholio: Español? Es-bunghole!
- Officer: Oh, yeah. And he keeps saying that he needs "TP for his bunghole".
- Supervisor: What the hell's a bunghole?
- Cornholio: You are a bunghole! And so am I. There will be many more bungholes after me!
- Officer: [reading from dictionary] Bunghole: a hole in a barrel or keg used for pouring in or drawing out liquid.
- Supervisor: This kid's messed up. Let's take him back to Mexico. We'll have the federalities deal with him.
- Officer: Come on, Cornholio. It's time to go home.
- Cornholio: Are you threatening me? You will give me TP!
- Officer: I know your bunghole needs TP. We'll get you plenty of TP, and your bunghole will be just fine.
- Cornholio: I'd hate for my bungholio to get polio.
- Cornholio: You must feed the almighty bunghole!
- Officer: I'm with immigration, and if you don't show me some proof of residency I'm gonna have to take you with
- Cornholio: You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole!
- Cornholio: [arriving Mexico] Aaahh, is this Nicaragua? I will take this land for my bunghole! Long live the almighty bunghole!
- Cornholio: [going to Mexico] I'm the great Cornholio. There will be TP for everyman. No man should be without TP.
----
Ding Dong Ditch
- Butt-head: Check it out, this trick rules! It's like we ring the door bell and then we run away.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, OK.
- Man at the door: Yeah?
- Beavis: We tricked him.
- Butt-head: He's probably like "uhh, there is nobody here. I wonder who did that."
- Man at the door: Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two. Do that again I'll kick your ass.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did we do that right?
- Butt-head: Eeeh, I don't know. Maybe we're supposed to like run away before anyone opens the door. Let's try it again.
- Beavis: Yeah, this is gonna be cool.
- Butt-head: So like, this time remember to run away before they come to the door.
- Beavis: Ooi, OK. "before." That was cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah! They're gonna be pissed.
- Beavis: Uhhm, nobody is coming out, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Maybe whoever lives there has like a broken leg or something and it takes long time to get to the door.
- Beavis: Yeah, that will be pretty cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, let's ring it again!
- Butt-head: Eeeh, OK.
- Beavis: Let me ring it.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis. You rang it last time.
- Beavis: No way. You did dill-hole!
- Butt-head: Uhh, wait a minute. Uhh, I think we forgot to ring the door bell, Beavis.
- Beavis: Dammit, this is really hard, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Yeah but it's cool once you get it right. Come on.
- Man at the door: What do you want? What? What are you doin'?
- Beavis: Did you see that? That was pretty cool!
- Butt-head: Beavis, you screwed it up again! You're supposed to run before he comes to the door.
- Beavis: No, dammit! I don't know when he's gonna come to the door. This sucks!
- Butt-head: Dumbass!
- Neighbour Woman: Where are you goin'?
- Neighbour Woman's Husband: The neighbours asked if I pick up their mail while they're away on vacation.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. I hope whoever lives here is like taking a dumb.
- Beavis: He gotta run to the door.
- Butt-head: Dammit, what the hell is taking so long!
- Beavis: Yeah really, let's do it again. What's wrong with these people?
- Butt-head: I don't know. They must be stupid.
- Beavis: Are you sure we get it right this time?
- Butt-head: Eeh, yeah.
[The family living there just arrives their house.]
- Family guy: God, it's good to be back home huh again? What a trip!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, they weren't even home.
- Butt-head: That sucks!
----
[Beavis and Butt-head return home.]
- Butt-head: Ding dong ditch is hard.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, that sucks. What a waste of time!
- Butt-head: Maybe we were like doing something wrong. We need practice. Hey Beavis, you pretend you're at home, and I'll like do it to you.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah practice.
[Butt-head goes out and rings the door bell.]
- Beavis: Who do that? Hello, dammit! Nobody here, dammit! Bunghole! Ooh yeah, that worked pretty good, yeah.
A Very Special Episode
- Butthead: [trying to pronounce "symptoms"] Sym-sym-Simpsons? Uh, they're pretty cool.
----
[after Butt-head tosses a baby bird into the air]
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, you "flipped the bird." heh heh.
Dumbasses Anonymous
- Bartender: I already told you kids! You don't have ID, you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!!
- Butthead: Uhh...how about one for the road?
- Beavis: Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?
- Joe from AA meeting: Don't worry, man, these are good kids. Y'know, you guys remind me a lot of when I was your age.
- Butthead: Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.
- Beavis: Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. (Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor)
Head Lice
- Beavis: [in Cornholio's voice] Do you have any tsetse flies? Hehe. Teetsie!
- Nurse: Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.
- Butt-head: [laughs] She said foreskin.
- Beavis: Yeah. Foreskin irritation.
- [Beavis starts whacking Butt-head with a flyswatter in an attempt to kill the lice]
- Butt-head: Ow! What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?!
- Beavis: Yeah! I'm kicking the bugs' ass! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Ow! I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker! [kicks Beavis in the testicles]
- Beavis: AAAAAAHHH! [falls down]
- Butt-head: Now get up. We gotta, like, use an infesticide.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, are they dead?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.
- [Beavis suddenly starts scratching his scrotum]
- Beavis: Um....wait a minute. Dammit. I think I got some more bugs on my nads.
- Butt-head: Uh, how'd they get there, Beavis?
- Beavis: I don't know. Dammit!
- Butt-head: Maybe you should stick your weiner in the bug zapper!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That's a really good idea, Butt-head! [pulls bug zapper down to his crotch area] Let me just get this down here, here we go... [unzips his pants, and offscreen, follows Butt-head's advice. Electricity crackles and Beavis screams]
- Butt-head [chuckling]: Dumbass!
Nose Bleed
- Beavis [upon noticing that he's got a nosebleed]: No! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!
A Great Day
- Beavis: Some day I'd like to be like that. Ya know, a kid finds a dead bird, ya give him 20 bucks for it. Now that's cool.
----
Woodshop
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I don't know why, but this is giving me a stiffy.
- Butt-head: Uhhhh, maybe that's why they call it 'woodshop'.
----
- Butt-head: [Handing Beavis's severed finger to the nurse] Hey Beavis. I'm giving her the finger.
Impotence
- Dr. Leibowitz: Let's try to see exactly what the problem is. Now, I'm going to run some tests to gauge your ability to become aroused.
- Butt-head: Cool.
- Dr. Leibowitz: Now, I'm going to show you some photographs. When you begin to feel aroused, just raise your hand. Now...[he sees that Beavis and Butt-head have already raised their hands]
- Beavis: Um, are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?
- Dr. Leibowitz: Well, yes, if you find that helps, that would be an excellent way to think of them.
- Butt-head: Cool. Bring 'em on.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. [mock-Arabic accent] Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?
- Dr. Leibowitz: Uh, okay. Here's the first image. [holds up a photo of a model in lingerie]
- Butt-head: [both raise their hands] Yes! I'll take her!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me too. [turns to Butt-head] I saw her first, dillhole!
- Dr. Leibowitz: Hmm. Let's go on. [holds up another photo]
- Butt-head: Whoa! [raises his hand]
- Beavis: Wha-ha! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!
- Dr. Leibowitz: Interesting. Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time? Didn't you find the image exciting?
- Butt-head: [looks at Beavis] Uhh, Beavis' hands are busy, sir.
The Miracle That Is Beavis
[After seeing a commercial about a book 'Seize the Power']- Butt-head: Hey Beavis....seize my weiner.
----
- Buzzcut: Beavis!
- Beavis: AAAAH! [Scared]
- Buzzcut: DAMMIT YOU WILL LISTEN WHEN I'M TALKIN'!!!
- Beavis: No way! I'm sick of school and I'm sick of you!
- Buzzcut: WHAT?!?! YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! I'LL SEE YOU IN DETENTION!!!
- Beavis: OK, cool.
Inventors
- Beavis:[seeing a man chopping wood] I know. Let's invent a tree.
- Butt-head: Beavis.
- Beavis: See, we could build one out of lumbers and two-by-fours and stuff, and then we could like tape some leaves- [Butt-head slaps him] OW!!! See, that way, anyone who needs wood, but doesn't want to cut down his own tree, can just, like, buy our tree and cut it down, and then he- [Butt-head slaps him again] OW!!!
- Butt-head: Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass? Now, quit wasting time. We need to come up with a REAL money-making invention.
----
Die Fly, Die!
- Butt-Head: Now we need to get some of that bug spray.
- Beavis: Bug spray?
- Butt-Head: Yeah, when it lands on the garbage, we'll like, spray poison on it, then it's gonna puke all over itself and die!
- Butt-head: (pulling trash can into house) So, all we need to do is... (turns around and sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room) UHHHH! BEAVIS, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOING!?
- Beavis: (getting up) You said flies like to eat garbage and crap.
- Beavis: Look, Butt-Head. (pulls out the chainsaw) Say hello to my little friend!
Work Is Death
- Burger World Manager: You don't get workers compensation for fighting, it has to be an accident.
- Beavis: You mean we, like, need to poop in our pants?
----
Graduation Day
- Mr. Van Driessen: This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day. Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Good, Butt-head! He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.
- Butt-head: Uh...no. He didn't go to high school. He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudey bar.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head...there's a big difference in the meaning of the two. I hope that someday you get to understand that.
----
- Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Cassandra. You will go far in life.
- Beavis: Heheheheh...tassel.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Butt-head. You have many...uh, qualities. (quietly and with a hint of embarrassment) Here's your diploma, Beavis. (While the other students return to their seats, Beavis & Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation)
The Future Of Beavis and Butt-head
- Job Counselor: So, which duty do you enjoy most?
- Butt-head: Beavis enjoys all his doodies.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Job Counselor: Well, which do you enjoy most?
- Beavis: Um, well...I guess the ones that take a long time.
- Job Counselor: You like to get your hands dirty?
- Beavis: Well, yeah, sometimes.
- Job Counselor: Something you can really sink your teeth into?
- Beavis: Um...no, that's disgusting.
----
Speech Therapy
[At Principal McVicker's Office]- Principal McVicker: Uuhh, no! Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?
- Butt-head: Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for like two weeks. So I think like now, we might be done being suspended, or something?
- Principal McVicker: Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.
- Butt-head: Yeah, me too!
- Beavis: Yeah really, school sucks!
- Principal McVicker: You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass! Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?
- Butt-head: Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy. Ehh, Van..., uhh Rigvantrison?
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, something like that.
- Principal McVicker: Ooh, no. Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today. Ooh, dammit!
- Butt-head: Yeah dammit!
- Beavis: Yeah dammit, god damn son of a bitch!
- Principal McVicker: You little bastards, watch your language! Ooh, wait a minute. We've just got a new speech therapist on staff. Maybe I'll stick you in her class. Yeah.
- Butt-head: He said "in her".
- Principal McVicker: Oh, no!
- Beavis: Oh, yeah.
[In Speech Therapy Class]
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, good morning everyone. My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist. And I guess a lot of you were wondering "why do I need speech therapy?"
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Ms. Jenkins: I already know how to speak. What can I learn here? You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.
- Beavis: What's a speech im-pediment?
- Butt-head: Speech im-pediments suck!
- Ms. Jenkins: A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment. As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that dude has boob.
- Ms. Jenkins: And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.
- Beavis: Butt-head, that what I think it is?
- Butt-head: Yeah, that's pretty cool.
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.
- Butt-head: Eee, can you get out of the way?
- Beavis: Yeah really.
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll tell you what boys. I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.
- Butt-head: Really?
- Beavis: What could be more interesting than this?
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?
- Beavis: Wow, no way!
- Butt-head: How could you get a camera up there?
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, OK?
- Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, boi-oi-oi...
- Ms. Jenkins: OK now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.
- Butt-head: Butt-munch, dill-lead.
- Beavis: Ass-wipe, butt-hole.
- Butt-head: Ass-munch
- Ms. Jenkins: Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your "s".
- Butt-head: Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.
- Ms. Jenkins: Now don't get defensive Butt-head, I just want to try to clean it up a little, OK? Now try this. Make a "t" sound, then throw it out like this. Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, OK?
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, check it out!
- Ms. Jenkins: Settle down please, all right boys? OK. What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, OK? All right, here goes: Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.
- Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!
- Beavis: Yeah, this chick rules. "Ass munch"!
- Ms. Jenkins: Very good, boys! As much.
- Beavis: Ass munch!
- Butt-head: Ass munch!
- Ms. Jenkins: All right, let's try this one. Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders.
- Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "butthole"!
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole!
- Ms. Jenkins: But whole haste...
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole butthole! This is cool. Bunghole!
- Ms. Jenkins: No no Beavis, listen closely. But whole, but whole.
- Beavis: Oooh yeah yeah.
- Principal McVicker: I just came by to see if these two little bastards have done anything I can suspend them for.
- Ms. Jenkins: Actually principal McVicker, these boys have done very well. Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?
- Butt-head: Assmunch
- Beavis: And butthole. Butthole.
- Principal McVicker: Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches.
- Ms. Jenkins: Principal, please. Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal. But I've noticed that you have a litle trouble expressing yourself sometimes.
- Principal McVicker: What?
- Butt-head: McVicker is a dumbass. He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.
- Beavis: Yeah really. He's probably like "....." Boi-oi-oi...
----
Leave It To Beavis
- Beaver: [who is on TV] Gee Wally, dad said not to. And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.
- Butt-head: Uhuhuhuh...beaver.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, Beaver kicks ass. But it's like, um, that'd not really what stuff was like back then.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, if this was real, and it was like the 50's, things would be all different and stuff.
----
- Todd: So, Beaver...
- Beavis: The name's Beavis, sir.
- Todd: Well excuse me, Beaver.
----
- Mrs. Steveson: Now dear, don't you think you should go to work today?
- Butt-head: Uh, no. [rubs her arm]
----
- Todd: Now get in there and get me some smokes.
- Beavis: Are you sure I should be doing this?
- Todd: What did you say?
- Beavis: I said are you-
[Todd revs the car so the rest of the words aren't heard]
- Todd: Listen squirt, you better get in there and get me some smokes before today's lesson turns into Ass-kicking 101.
----
- Store Owner: Well hey there Master Cleaver, aren't you supposed to be in school?
- Beavis: Well, I guess so, b-but all I know is I'm sposed to come in here and buy some cigarettes.
- Store Owner: Hey, you wouldn't be buying these for Eddy now would ya?
- Beavis: ...Gee, how'd you know?
[Store Owner looks out window and sees Todd smoking. Canned laughter.]
----
- Store Owner: Tell Eddy it's against the law for me to sell cigarettes to a boy your age. And then, tell him cigarettes cause cancer.
- Beavis: Y-yeah but, if I tell him that, he might get all sore 'n stuff. A-and then he's liable to beat me up.
- Store Owner: Well, if he tries that, you tell him that's against the law too.
----
- Butt-head: Woah. What happened, uh, son?
- Todd: It seems that little Beaver here ran afoul of some asphalt.
- Butt-head: Uh huh huh....asphalt.
----
- Mrs. Stevenson: Aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh, hard. Huhuhuhuh, on.
----
Our Founding Losers
[Butt-Head as Paul Revere riding into town]- Butt-Head: Uhh, the Yiddish are coming! The Yiddish are coming!
[Beavis is having a dream of the writing of the Declaration of Independence; Thomas Jefferson is dictating and Beavis is dressed like Benjamin Franklin]
- Thomas Jefferson: "All Men are endowed by their creator, with certain inalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." Have you anything to add, Compatriot Beavis?
- Beavis: Oh, um, OK, let me think- how about this? "All chicks shall be required to do it with us, at all times. E pluribus unum."
- Thomas Jefferson: A damn fine idea, lad.
- All: Hear hear!
Beavis and Butt-head Are Dead
The phone begins to ring.- Beavis: Um, hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.
- Butt-head: Yeah, well make it stop.
Beavis goes to the phone and answers it.
- Beavis: Um...who are you?
- McVicker's secretary: This is Highland High calling. We're trying to figure out why Beavis and Butt-head haven't been in school for the past three weeks.
- Beavis: Oh. Um...yeah, they're dead.
----
- Mr. Van Driessen:Students, can I have your attention? There's been a terrible tragedy...and I wanted you to hear it from me first-
- Principal McVicker: (over PA) Listen up! Beavis and Butt-head are dead! There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party. WHOO! YEAH!
----
- Principal McVicker: [Giving speech at fund-raiser] I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.
- Butt-head: Okay, McDicker, give us some money.
- Principal McVicker: What!?
- Beavis: Where the hell are the dead people?
- Principal McVicker: Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead!
[Principal McVicker struggles with Beavis and Butthead. He then sees the memories of the boys' antics and soon has a heart attack]
- Beavis: Whoa! A dead body! Check it out!
- Coach Buzzcut: Give the man some air! He's not dead yet!
[Buzzcutt gives him mouth-to-mouth]
----
[The final lines of the series as the boys walk off to the strings of love music and sirens--with the money collected in their names]
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, did you see McVicker? He was like ‘uh, uh, uh,' and then Buzzcut made out with him.
- Beavis: Yeah, that was cool. We should go to school early tomorrow, you know, in case someone else dies.
- Butt-head: Dumbass, [the two begin walking off into the sunset] we're rich; we don't have to go to school ever again.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty damn cool.
- Butt-head: Uh huh huh, yeah.
- Beavis and Butt-head: [simultaneously, laughing for the last time] Heh heh heh mh heh heh heh... Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh...
[The screen fades out and a title card reads THE END ]
Bungholio - Lord of the Harvest
- Beavis Hey Butt-Head...These sheets smell funny
- Butt-Head uh-huh-huh-huh, These are my special monkey-sheets
----
- Tom Anderson: Now what in the hell are you two boys supposed to be?
- Beavis: I'm a nad.
- Butt-head: And I'm a dumbass. Check it out. Uh...huh....huh....
[telephone rings]
- Tom Anderson: Now hold on just a second. [picks up phone] Well John Thomas! How long's it been? You still got Dick's number?
[Beavis and Butt-head snicker]
----
Beavis and Butt-head Do Christmas
- Beavis: Yeah well it's like, we'd all like to go home. Hell, I'd like to go home and spank my monkey! In fact, heh heh, that's a pretty good idea. So you two have to stay here and work late. Heh heh, and, um, Butt-head is in charge, because he's got..."sen-ror-ity" or something. Heh heh.
- Butt-head: Uh, cool! Huh huh huh, clean the grill, McVicker!
----
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, let's get out of here...
- Stewart: Hey, no cutters buddy.
- Butt-head: Shut up, Stewart! Come on, Beavis, let's go.
- Beavis: Uuuuummm, have we met before, sir?
- Butt-head: It's me, you bunghole!
- Beavis: Uuuummm, what's a bunghole?
- Butt-head: You're a bunghole, bunghole!
- Stewart: Hey, Cro magnon, you can't use a word to define one self.
- Beavis: Yeah, Cro magnon.
- Butt-head: I can too, bunghole. Come on Beavis, let's go...
- Beavis: Hey, let go, pervert! We still have to give out Gingerbread Men.
- Butt-head: Cut the crap, Beavis; you still owe me a dollar!
- Beavis: Help! Help! Who are you!?!
Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving
- Kurt Loder: This just in, our guest reporters Beavis and Butt-head are on the scene. What's happening down there guys? [dissolve to Beavis and Butt-head stuck behind a crowd]
- Butt-head: Uhh, this sucks, Loder, we can't see anything.
- Beavis: Wait a minute, you know, that's not true, Butt-head, we can see a lot of butts.
- Butt-head: Uhh, oh yeah.
- Kurt Loder: Hey, hey, don't just stand there, guys, interview somebody, will you?
- Butt-head: Uhh, we could interview their butts. [laughs]
- Beavis: Yeah! It'd be like, "Hello butt, what do you think of the parade so far?" and they'd be like [imitates fart sounds] "Well, BBBBBRRRRRFFFFFTTTTTT!!!!"
- Butt-head: Uhh, shut up, Beavis. That isn't even funny. Uhh, besides, I wanna see, like, naked butts.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. You know Loder, the butts were a lot better at that porno place, and it was a lot warmer too.
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. Hey Loder, here's a news report for you. I'm freezing my nutsack off.
----
- Butt-head: Uhh, hey, we're back.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check it out, there's a marching band out here.
- Butt-head: Really? They suck.
- Beavis: Yeah, but, you know, it could be kinda cool to be in a marching band. You know, those guys just poop right on the street.
- Butt-head: What are you talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: No, no, I'm serious. I'm serious, one time, when I was a kid I saw this parade, and after the marching band went by, there were these big huge turds everywhere. And it was like, there was grass sticking out of them and stuff. It was cool.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you dumbass, those turds didn't come from the band, they came from the horses.
- Beavis: But, um...oh! That would explain the grass. But, um, that's really too bad, you know, cause I was thinking it would be cool to join the school band, and you know, you'd just be marching along, playing your instrument, you know, and be like, [sings] "Dun-da-da-dun-da-da-da-da-da-plop!"
- Butt-head: Beavis...
- Beavis: Yeah, and then, whenever I'd be taking a poop at school, somebody would be like "What are you doing in there?", and I'd be like, "I'm trying out for the band!", plop.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, if this wasn't Thanksgiving, I'd be slapping the crap out of you, now shut up. [to camera] Hey Loder, this music sucks, why don't you make yourself useful and play a video?
----
Accept, Balls to the Wall
- Butt-head: Well, he is saying balls, and normally, that would be pretty cool...
- Beavis: Yeah, but underneath these circumstances, it sucks!
- Butt-head: Usually, demolition and destruction is pretty cool too, but I don't know, it's like, here, it just like...falls flat.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I think even if they had some fire in this video, it would still suck.
----
- Butt-head: Look! It's Krokus coming to kick their ass. It's The Night of the Living Bands That Suck.
----
Alice Cooper, Lost in America
- Alice Cooper: I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really!
- Alice: I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
- Beavis: Yeah, really!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Me neither.
- Butt-head: Me neither.
- Alice: I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: Life sucks.
- Alice: So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.
----
- Alice: I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
- Butt-head: Preach on, brother Cooper.
- Beavis: Mmhmm, I know that's right.
- Alice: I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
- Beavis: Mmmhmm, I heard that.
- Alice: I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
- Butt-head: That sucks.
- Alice: So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
- Butt-head: He doesn't get cable?
- Beavis: What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um...go to school or something.
- Butt-head: He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
- Beavis: He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.
----
Alice in Chains, Man in the Box
- Butt-head: This is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. It rules. It rules. IT RULES!!!
- Butt-head: Right on, Beavis.
----
- Butt-head: These guys are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. It kicks butt! It kicks ass! It kicks ass!
- Butt-head: Rock on, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Rock!
----
- Butt-head: Check it out, they put that dude in a fence.
- Beavis: Fences are cool.
- Butt-head: Especially electric fences.
- Beavis: [chanting] When I was little and had no sense/I took a whiz on an electric fence/It hurt so bad, it shocked my balls/Then I took a crap in my overalls!
- Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool.
----
- Butt-head: Uhh!
- Beavis: Ahh!
- Butt-head: Whoa, his eyes are sewn shut.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! He must have seen something so horrible, like, his eyeballs melted.
- Butt-head: Maybe he saw that Winger video.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
----
Alien Sex Fiend, Now I'm Feeling Zombified
- Butt-head: Cool! Skulls!
- Beavis: Yeah! Skulls kick ass.
- Butt-head: That guy looks pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. He looks cool because he's like, dead.
- Butt-head: It's like, this video looks pretty cool, but the sound sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah. Check this out, Butt-head. [Beavis turns the volume all the way down]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That's better. [Starts humming metal music]
- Beavis: [Singing along] I'm a zombie/I'm a dead guy/I like to eat people's brains/and um, and like, look at my eyeballs/and I'm a dead guy in a corner/and I'm a zombie."
- Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis! You should like, be a lead singer.
- Beavis: Yeah! All I need is clown makeup.
- Butt-head: I bet if we like, did that over this video, it would be like, a buzzclip.
- Beavis: Yeah. We're cool.
----
Annie Lennox, No More "I Love You"s
- [A ballet dancer's legs are shown as the video starts]
- Butt-head: Uh...get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [camera scrolls up to dancer's face] but it's a guy!
- Beavis: Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing...it's like strange, you know.
- Butt-head: [laughs] Yeah.
----
- [Annie Lennox appears with her eyes largely widened]
- Beavis: AAH! What's her problem?!
- Butt-head: This is stupid.
- Beavis: Um...this kind of sounds like that um...[sings]"From a Distance".
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Who did that song?
- Butt-head: Uh...that's Butt Midler.
----
- Beavis: That looks like that...that mouse chick...that Minnie, Minnie Mouse, you know?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?
- Beavis: Um...uh...I don't know.
- Butt-head: Check it out, this is funny. Because she was doing Goofy! [laughs]
----
- Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!
- Butt-head: Uh...who's there?
- Beavis: Eura.
- Butt-head: Eura who?
- Beavis: You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Beavis: I just made that up! I made that one up myself!
----
- Butt-head: Okay, I have one. Knock knock!
- Beavis: Who's there?
- Butt-head: Uh...eura.
- Beavis: Eura who?
- Butt-head: You're ain...urine.
----
The Bangles, Manic Monday
- Butt-head: I heard these girls bang elves. Hey Beavis, would you bangle her?
- Beavis: Yeah!
----
Bananarama, Venus
- Beavis: Is this Wilson Phillips?
- Butt-head: Yeah. This is back when they were cool.
----
- [Singing along with group]
- Beavis: I'm your Beavis!
- Butt-head: I'm your Venus...um, hey Beavis, what rhymes with "Venus"?
- Beavis: Um...um...venus...Venus Flytrap.
----
- Butt-head: These chicks should marry GWAR.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That would be cool!
- Butt-head: They would have offspring that would be the coolest people ever lived.
- Beavis: Yeah! And they would rule Antarctica.
- Butt-head: They would rule the entire world.
----
- [A singer is dressed in a leather devil costume]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Satan's got back!
----
Beastie Boys, Pass the Mic
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Beastie Boys! Yeah! Alright!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's about time.
- Beavis: HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!
----
- Butt-head: Uh, I heard on MTV News that this dude's dad writes movies.
- Beavis: What do you mean, he writes movies? You can't read a movie!
- Butt-head: No, it's like, he writes what they say.
- Beavis: You mean he just like goes to movies and sits there and writes down everything they say??
- Butt-head: No he writes it down before they say it!
- Beavis: Well how does he know what they're gonna say??!!
- Butt-head: He just, like, makes it up.
- Beavis: Really? Well anybody can do that!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: So like, if there's an explosion, does he write that?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think he just like, writes "kaboom".
- Beavis: How about when like people are like, you know, naked and getting it on?
- Butt-head: Uhh, he just writes "squeak, squeak, squeak, wank".
- Beavis: I'll be damned. Well, anybody could do that! It's like, you know, okay, two dudes go try to like, rob this other dude, and he has this chick and she's got big hooters...see, see? I'm doing it right now.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but you're not writing it down.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
----
Beastie Boys, Sabotage
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, here it is!
- Butt-head: It's about time!
- Beavis: It's on, Butt-head, it's on!
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis, now shut up!
- Beavis: Okay. I'm just gonna shut my mouth and watch. [hums the main riff]
----
- ["The Chief" kicks through a steel gate]
- Beavis: YEAH!!! Check this part out. Yeah, they're gonna kick some ass now!
- Butt-head: Beavis, you said you were gonna shut up.
- Beavis: Oh sorry. I'm just gonna shut up and listen. [Cochese kicks a concrete wall] Yeah, yeah, kick it!
----
- [Cochese climbs up a tall building, then it cuts to a man carrying groceries]
- Beavis: Now see, this guy's going up on the roof, and this guy doesn't know what's gonna happen, so when they go in, when he goes into his apartment, they're gonna beat the living crap out of him! Check out.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, I told you to shut up!
- Beavis: Okay, okay! I'm not gonna say anything! I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm just gonna be quiet for a while.
----
[two of the cops are dressed as a chef and a bellhop]
- Beavis: Whoa, check this out! See, he's coming in, he's delivering room service...
- Butt-head: [interrupting] Dammit Beavis! [slaps Beavis]
- Beavis: Oh, sorry. Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, this is exciting! Yeah, yeah.
----
- [ MCA, in costume, exits a hotel, a caption reads "guest starring Sir Stewart Wallace as himself"]
- Beavis: Now that's Stewart Wallace, see? Sir Stewart Wallace, he plays himself. This is gonna be cool when the video finally comes out.
- Butt-head: Uhh, what are you talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: You know, when the real video finally comes out?
- Butt-head: This is the video, dumbass.
- Beavis: No way! That's cool.
----
- [ DJ Hurricane appears in the video, a caption reads "Fred Kelly as Bunny"]
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, see, there's Fred Kelly, he plays Bunny.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [MCA appears once again, but as a different character, a caption reads "starring Nathan Wind as Cochese"]
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's Nathan Wind, see? It's Cochese!
- Butt-head: Cochese is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, Cochese kicks ass!
----
[ Ad-Rock appears in the video, a caption reads "Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'"]
- Beavis: That's "the Rookie", see? See Cochese back there?
- Butt-head: Uh-huh.
- Beavis: See, the Rookie, he's got a really short fuse.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: It's like, he's pretty good, but it's like, he's got a bad temper, and so like, Cochese has to calm him down sometimes.
- Butt-head: Cool.
----
Beck, Pay No Mind
- Beavis: Whoa, what's that noise?
- Butt-head: It's Satan, dumbass. [imitates warbled tape]
- Beavis: Yeah, heh, that's cool.
----
- Beck: Tonight the city is full of morgues...
- Butt-head: Tonight, the city's full of whores?
- Beavis: I wish our city was full of whores. That'd be pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah, I guess that would be pretty cool.
----
- [Beck is wearing a shirt that says "Rock Me"]
- Butt-head: Check it out, Beavis, his shirt says "Kick me".
- Beavis: Maybe someone will kick him in the nads.
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, kick him.
----
- Beavis: Who is this fartknocker, anyway?
- Butt-head: He's like, one of those dudes from the gifted class.
- Beavis: Those guys always, like, write words like this.
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. "The sails climb high in the garbage pail sky." That's stupid.
- Beavis: How come people in the gifted class are always stupid?
- Butt-head: Uhh...hmm. I dunno.
----
- [seeing a policeman run into a house]
- Beavis: Ten Six Niner, Ten Six Niner, we got whores in the city! We need back up now! Come on!
----
Billy Joel, Uptown Girl
- Butt-head: Oh man! What is this?
- Beavis: Yeah! This guy really sucks, and I'm not just saying that either!
- Butt-head: Where's he going with that magazine?
- Beavis: He's going into the bathroom, and he's taking those guys with him.
----
- Beavis: [Singing off-key] SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!
----
Biohazard w/ Onyx, Judgment Night
- Butt-head: These guys are cool cause they're like, pissed off.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they're cool cause they're like, pissed off.
- Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, how come you always have to repeat what I say? Why do you do that?
- Beavis: Yeah, heh, why do you do that?
- Butt-head: Beavis, if you repeat what I say one more time I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Beavis: I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Butt-head: See, you did it again, Beavis.
- Beavis: You did it again, heh, Beavis.
----
Biohazard, Tales From the Hard Side
- Evan Seinfeld: Tales from the hard side!
- Butt-head: Tales from the hard side? Is that like, stories about stiffies?
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, once upon a time, I had a stiffy, and I lived happily ever after, and that's my tale from the hard side. Thank you, I'm Beavis. Good night.
- Butt-head: If I had a story for every stiffy I ever had, I'd have uh...several stories.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, me too.
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, it's like, these guys jump around and stuff like they're rapping, but this isn't rap music! It's metal!
- Butt-head: So what, Beavis? You just don't have any like, uh...imagination.
- Beavis: Um...I know. I don't want any either. Imagination sucks! It hurts when I use my imagination.
- Butt-head: Okay.
----
- Butt-head: Whoa! That dude can scream for a long time.
- Beavis: No way, that's nothing! Chick this out. [Beavis screams without stopping for the remainder of the video]
- Butt-head: Shut up!
----
Bivouac, Cynic
- Butt-head: Uh...this is boring.
- Beavis: Yeah, really! It's boring enough to watch this, and then they're bored doing it; maybe next time, they'll learn to rock!
----
- Butt-head: What a bunch of wussies. It's like they're all hanging out by the diving board, but like, everyone's too chicken to jump off.
- Beavis: If they could like take those guitars and those amps, and just like, push them off the diving board and into the water, and you know, watch them all get electrocuted or something, that would rule!
----
- Beavis: You know, um, I dove off the high dive once. Remember? That was cool.
- Butt-head: Uh, you didn't dive, Beavis, you fell off. You were trying to run back to the ladder and you slipped.
- Beavis: No, no way!
- Butt-head: You were flailing around in the water. And then that dude with the hairy chest came and saved you.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! At least I fell off it! I didn't even see you climb up!
- Butt-head: Yeah I did! After they took you off in the ambulance, I was like, doing a bunch of swan dives. It was cool! And then I scored.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? You're cool, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It was cool!
----
Björk, Army of Me
- Butt-head: This is that, Bee-ork chick...
- Beavis: I heard she has a, you know, like, a schlong.
- Butt-head: Where did you hear that?
- Beavis: This guy told me.
- Butt-head: What guy?
- Beavis: This guy in the bathroom.
- Butt-head: You mean in the bathroom at school?
- Beavis: No, the bathroom right here. Right here in this house.
- Butt-head: What are you talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: There's this dude who's in there sometimes. I'm serious. He's probably still there, he was there this morning.
- Butt-head: Damn it Beavis. There's no one in there.
- Beavis: Yes there is, Butt-head. Go check it out.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're a bunghole. [exits. the sound of a door opening can be heard] Uhh...Beavis, flush the toilet next time! [re-enters] There wasn't anybody in there.
- Beavis: Hm. Usually he's in the mirror.
- Butt-head: Uhh...does he look like a buttmunch?
- Beavis: Um...yeah.
- Butt-head: Does he have like blond hair?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah.
- Butt-head: And does he kinda talk like this? [does a bad impression of Beavis] "Oh yeah, uh huh huh huh."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Kinda like that. "Yeah, yeah, björk has a dong".
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
----
Björk, Big Time Sensuality
- Beavis: Is that Snoop Doggy Dog?
- Butt-head: No, dumbass. That's a chick. She's got his haircut, though.
- Beavis: She's a weirdo.
- Butt-head: She's like one of those drama club teachers.
- Beavis: They're always trying to get you to prance around like some kind of wussy.
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's like they say: "Be a tree".
- Beavis: "Now be a sad tree, now be a happy tree".
----
- Butt-head: Man, this chick is out of her gourd.
- Beavis: She's like completely whacked out.
- Butt-head: I can't really blame her, because, like, some of these weird chicks makes tons of money.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's not like they are going around saying: "We need a normal chick to dance on a truck."
----
- Beavis: Butt-head, do you think I could make some like money if I acted like a weird chick.
- Butt-head: I think you have to be like from England or something.
- Beavis: Dammit.
----
- Butt-head: Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch!
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Butt-head, I though chicks didn't have a crotch.
- Butt-head: No, dumbass. You're thinking of nads
- Beavis: No, I'm thinking of the crotch actually. But, some girls have a crotch? I'll be damned.
----
Blues Traveler, Run Around
- Beavis: Whoa! Check out that chick's panties!
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis! Don't talk to me when a chick's panties are on TV. It's like...you mess up my mind, and I can't see the panties right.
----
- Butt-head: Uh...I think this is Blues Traveler.
- Beavis: No it's not! Where's that big fat dude?
- Butt-head: I think that's him, Beavis. I think he just like, lost a lot of weight.
- Beavis: Dammit, that pisses me off! Everybody keeps getting skinny!
- Butt-head: Yeah. He looked better when he was a big, fat slob on stage going blblblblblblblblblbl.
- Beavis: Yeah. His stomach was hanging over his pants, going blblblblblblblblblbl.
- Butt-head: Check it out, Beavis! I'm fingering my lips. Blblblblblblblblblbl-big fat dude-blblblblblbl.
----
- Beavis: Remember that cartoon that had that big, fat dude in it and he used to go "Hey Hey Hey!"?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. And then they had that friend with his eyes cut out of his hat and he would go [In wobbling voice] Hey blblblbaby-blblblblblblblblbl!
- Beavis: Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons! Cartoons now just suck.
----
- Beavis: I don't think Dorothy was this hot in the movie.
- Butt-head: Chicks were all like ugly in olden times...it was like, really messed up.
- Beavis: I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [imitating an old man's voice] "Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV..." [babbles incoherently]
----
Blur, Parklife
- Butt-head: This is a happy little tune.
- Beavis: Can you change the channel, Butt-head?
----
- Butt-head: Hey, is that that dude who's the host on Family Feud?
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Survey SAID!!! Pretty good, huh?
- Butt-head: Name the place where I usually kick Beavis.
- Beavis: Um, nads?
- Butt-head: Survey SAID!!! [imitates buzzer] Buuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm sorry, the correct answer was "ass".
- Beavis: Damn it.
- Butt-head: And I have to kick you there right now. [smacks Beavis]
- Beavis: AAHH! Cut it out, butthole! Family Feud sucks.
- Butt-head: Yeah, families.
----
- Phil Daniels: I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen...
- Butt-head: What the hell language is he speaking?
- Beavis: I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.
- Butt-head: Yeah. This must be English. [Beavis utters a form of gibberish that is obviously meant to mock a British accent] England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music.
----
- Butt-head: How come all these dudes have to put an ice cream truck in their video?
- Beavis: I don't know. I guess it's like...whoa, whoa, slap him!
----
Bobby McFerrin, Don't Worry, Be Happy
- Butt-head: I heard this dude like did this whole song just by like whistling and singing and slapping his butt and stuff.
- Beavis: Whoa! Really? I think I'm gonna try that.
- Butt-head: Yeah. So am I. [Slaps Beavis across the face]
----
- Butt-head: Don't worry, Beavis, be happy.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'm not worried.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah? Does this worry you? [smacks Beavis]
- Beavis: AAH!! I'm gonna play drums on your nads with my foot!
- Butt-head: I'd like to see you try, butt-knocker!
- Beavis: Don't call me that, Butt-head! [kicks Butt-head in the testicles]
- Butt-head: UUH! I'm gonna play drums on your face, buttknocker!
- [The two continuously hit and yell at each other]
- Butt-head: Okay, the fight's over! I won.
- Beavis: No you didn't, Butt-head! I won.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's Mrs. Doubt-FIRE!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: I don't think that guy's very funny.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, he tries to talk really fast, so you won't notice that he's not very funny.
- Beavis: I think he was funny, like, a long time ago, when it was, like, really fast.
----
Bon Jovi, Something For the Pain
- Butt-head: [scoffing] Bon Jovi.
- Beavis: But you know, this song, it's kind of, um...uh...never mind.
- Butt-head: Uhh, what?
- Beavis: Well, I was just gonna say, you know, this song, I mean...you know, it sucks, but there's this one part that I kinda like where it kinda goes [sings] "Give me something for the pain..."
- Butt-head: Uhh, what did you say, Beavis?
- Beavis: Well, no, I'm just saying...you know, I kinda like this one part of the song where it goes [sings] "Give me something for the pain..." [Butt-head slaps Beavis multiple times] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out, bunghole!
- Butt-head: I'm doing it for your own good, Beavis. You were starting to like this song.
- Beavis: Well, no, I mean, I still think Bon Jovi sucks, but I just kinda think this song, you know, it kind of, um...there's just this one part that kind of, like...[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again]
- Butt-head: If you say one more good thing about Bon Jovi, I'm gonna really smack the bejesus out of you.
- Beavis: Okay, so it sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as...[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again] Cut it out! Damn it, Butt-head! Bon Jovi rules! [kicks Butt-head in the testicles] Bunghole!
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis!
- Beavis: Take that! Yeah, I like this song.
- Butt-head: This sucks. And as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you. [Beavis kicks him in the testicles again] AAAAHHH!!!
- Beavis: You can't tell me what sucks! I like this, so blow it up your ass!
----
The Bubblemen, The Bubblemen Are Coming
- Beavis: Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute...ooh, I've seen these guys before.
- Butt-head: No you haven't, Beavis, we've never seen this.
- Beavis: Yes I have. AAH!! Like, I've been having nightmares about these guys. What is this??? Come on, Butt-head, change it, this is freaking me out.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you wuss.
- Beavis: [a Bubbleman stares at the television] AAAHH, LOOK, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!!
- Butt-head: How can you be scared of these guys?
- Beavis: You don't understand, Butt-head. You haven't seen what these guys do. I have these nightmares, it's like they tie me to a chair, and then it's like, they dance around me and look at me going "Doing doing doing doing doing", and then they get medieval on my ass. [a Bubbleman waves] AAAH, HE'S WAVING AT ME!! And it's like, they're smiling because they know what they're gonna do to me. And you know what else freaks me out? It's like, they have nads on their heads, see? [the Bubblemen dance onto a stage with microphones] See, they're just dancing around now, but pretty soon, they're gonna do it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, those aren't nads. Those are like, uh, antennas.
- Beavis: Well, how do you know there aren't like, nads inside the antennas? [the Bubblemen are now playing with a beach ball] AAAH NO, NOT THE BEACH BALL!!!! NO!! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!! Besides, it's like, I think they use those antennas to receive evil messages.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you wussy!
- Beavis: Oh good, I think it's over. Ahh.
----
The Bucketheads, The Bomb
- Butt-head: Uhh...who's this?
- Beavis: This is Bukkahey!
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay.
----
[the man in the video is seen with two women]
- Beavis: Whoa, is this supposed to be a dream?
- Butt-head: Uhh...no, this dude really lives like this.
- Beavis: Whoa, that's cool.
- Butt-head: It's like, if you were scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, what would you dream about? Cause all I dream about now is scoring.
- Beavis: Well, if I was scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, then I would dream about scoring with three chicks. And if I was scoring with three chicks, I'd dream about scoring with, um...FOUR! Four chicks!
- Butt-head: And then if I had five chicks at the same time, I'd just put my face in all their buttcheeks and go blblblblblb.
----
[a shot of a woman's butt in tight pants is shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
- Beavis: [quickly] Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
----
Built to Spill, In the Morning
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, he's sleeping with a pig!
- Butt-head: Yeah, so what, Beavis?
- Beavis: I'm just trying to make conversation! Bunghole!
- Butt-head: Well why don't you make it somewhere else, bungwipe?
----
- Beavis: You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player...Monica Phallus.
- Butt-head: How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?
- Beavis: Um, well you know, I like to watch the Wilbumdon. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ‘Stiffy.'
- Butt-head: Oh yeah, Stiffy Graf.
----
- Beavis: You know, this part right here, this was already in another video. Was it...[sings]...Stand in the place where you live...yeah, that's what this was in!
- Butt-head: Uhh...yeah, I think everything in this video was in another video.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. It's like everything you see in this video was in another video.
- Butt-head: Everything sucks.
----
Carcass, Heartwork
[the band members have long blonde hair]- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's Cousin Itt!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: [jabbers like Cousin Itt]
----
[seeing what appears to be two men using a welding torch on a taller man's rectum]
- Beavis: Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?
- Butt-head: Uhh...maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.
- Beavis: Um, heh...why would they do that?
- Butt-head: Uh...I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.
- Beavis: So like, um, how would you take a dump?
- Butt-head: Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.
- Beavis: Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.
----
- Butt-head: This buttmunch sounds like Dave Mustaine.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. [imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish]
- Butt-head: Yeah. What a buttmunch.
- Beavis: Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!
- Butt-head: He did?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.
- Butt-head: Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: [sees a man being crucified] Maybe he flipped off that dude.
- Beavis: Yeah, what is that?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [screams] "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.
----
Carmen Electra, Everybody Get On Up
- Beavis: Is this a commercial?
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's a commercial for MTV's House of Butt.
----
Chavez, Break Up Your Band
- Beavis: That dude looks kinda funny.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.
- Beavis: What is this, anyways?
- Butt-head: Uhh...I dunno, some kind of show.
- Beavis: Yeah, this is kinda cool.
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!
- Beavis: We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.
- Butt-head: I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, "Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say "Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?" That would rule.
----
- Butt-head: You know, it's like, this video's cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.
- Beavis: Ah, no thanks!
- Butt-head: If you're into lions, they've got that.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.
- Butt-head: Everybody sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, everybody is stupid!
----
Cheech & Chong, I'm Not Home Right Now
- Butt-head: Whoa! He's just like, walking around in his underwear!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah and he's having popcorn for breakfast, that's pretty cool!
----
- Beavis: Butt-head, you think he has morning wood?
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's got a breakfast burrito.
- Beavis: Yeah. chimichanga]]! A chimichanga!
----
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! How did that dude get all those chicks?
- Butt-head: 'Cause, dumbass, his name is [[Tommy Chong AAH! No! Don't stub your toe! That scares me, Butt-head. It's like, you're hanging your feet off the end of the car, and then, [shows feet agian] AAH! There it is again!
- Butt-head: Settle down, dumbass.
- Beavis: That's dangerous! It's like, she's letting her feet hang down, and like, it's gonna accidentally hit the asphalt, and then it's like "Ow!"
- Butt-head: So what, Beavis?
- Beavis: It's like...I want their feet to look nice, you know?
- Butt-head: Really?
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, I like it when chicks have nice feet, y'know. [Sees feet again] KEEP YOUR FEET UP, COME ON! Then you can like...put your hands on 'em.
- Butt-head: Uh...okay, Beavis. I think you oughta just shut up.
- Beavis: [Sees feet again] FEET! FEET! OW!
----
- Beavis: Dammit, it's like...they keep showing naked feet and hands, and it's like...they need to show the rest.
- Butt-head: You have to wait, Beavis. They like to, you know...show a little bit at a time.
- Beavis: Okay, okay, I can wait. [sings along] Has the whole world lost its head...[Sees feet again] AAH, NO! YOU'RE GONNA STUB YOUR TOE! DAMMIT, I WANNA SEE A BOOB NOW!
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, shut up!
----
Godspeed, Houston St.
- Butt-head: Whoa, this looks like that Cops show.
- Beavis: Yeah, really, it's like [imitates static] KSSHH!! One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a female caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumb ass. We're going to need back up, come on.
- Butt-head: Ah, Roger, One Adam Five. Strip her down naked and bring her to me.
- Beavis: That's a 10-4, good buddy. [speaks incomprehensible gibberish] Come on.
- Butt-head: That's pretty cool, Beavis. You could be a cop.
- Beavis: I think it's like, in my blood because I heard my dad was, like, in the navy or something.
----
- Beavis: This is, like, one of those dudes that's like really intense all the time, like, he wears earrings and stuff, and like, sometimes he's pretty cool, but sometimes you just like, go, "Settle down, dammit!".
- Butt-head: Yeah. Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's bad for you, and stuff. But it's like, I always tell 'em, "If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?"
- Beavis: Yeah, really. See, that's a good point.
- Butt-head: Then I tell 'em to get the hell out of my restaurant.
----
- Butt-head: This looks like that dude from, uhhh, from that movie, Smell of a Woman.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: You know, he was, like, blind and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, and he's like, "Hoowah! Hoowah! Hoowah!" He's a good actor.
----
Goo Goo Dolls, Only One
- Butt-head: So if you were on a desert island, and you could only bring three things, what would you bring?
- Beavis: Well, let me think. I'd bring some crackers, so I'd have something to eat. And then I'd bring a swimsuit, so I could go swimming. And I'd bring some Cheez Whiz to put on the crackers.
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
----
- Beavis: So what would you bring, Butt-head? You know, if you were on a desert island?
- Butt-head: I'd bring three chicks. Then I'd have a massage-a-thra.
- Beavis: You know, I wanna do mine over again. I wanna bring three chicks too.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you can't do it over again, you already blew it. I'll be scoring with three chicks while you'll be eating crackers and choking your chicken.
- Beavis: No way, really? Dammit!
----
The Goops, Booze Cabana
- Beavis: Whoa, look at that shoe! Look, high heels!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That must mean there's a chick.
- Beavis: Or Todd Rundgren.
- Butt-head: Who?
- Beavis: Todd Rundgren.
- Butt-head: Who the hell is he, Beavis?
- Beavis: You don't know who Todd Rundgren is?
- Butt-head: Uh, no. And you don't either.
- Beavis: Um...oh yeah.
----
- Butt-head: Uh...he's drinking.
- Beavis: I can hardly wait 'till I get older and like, get a job and stuff so I can drink.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I plan on doing some smoking too.
----
- Butt-head: Hey, that's that street where Madonna wanted to have her baby.
- Beavis: So what?
- Butt-head: Well, then you think of something to say, bunghole! At least I'm trying.
- Beavis: Okay, I will think of something to say. Schlong. Poop. Anything's better than that.
----
- [a woman grows to an enormous size]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Check it out!
- Beavis: She must have been drinking milk, because she's getting bigger, see?
- Butt-head: Yeah. And her boobs got bigger too.
- Beavis: Whoa, hey, that just gave me an idea! You know what would be cool, is if they could make me big, then shrink me again, but keep my wiener the same size! That would rule, because then I'd have this gigantic schlong!
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. But, like, if they could really do that, then you could just have them just make your wiener bigger.
- Beavis: No no, Butt-head. I'm saying they make me bigger, see then because my wiener would get bigger, then shrink me, and keep my wiener the same size.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis! What are you talking about? Who are "they?" And who cares anyway? Just shut up!
- Beavis: Well...I thought it was a pretty good idea.
----
Grant Lee Buffalo, Mockingbirds
- Butt-head: Is this another video with big Muppets?
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Seems like they have these, like, big bird things in every video now.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: I was just thinking, you know, you ever notice, um...Big Bird? He never poops.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, they should have him poop. Then it'd be more realistic.
- Butt-head: [laughs] Then Big Bird could have a big turd.
- Beavis: [laughs] Oh yeah, that's pretty good, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: I'm pretty funny.
----
- Beavis: You know, if I was a big bird, I'd fly around in the sky and stuff, and then, like, fly over people and poop on their lunch. I'd be like [imitates dive-bomber] "Nyaaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!-nyaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!"
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, that would rule. Actually, y'know I probably could do that without being a bird. It's like, I could go into the cafeteria, and just like stand up on the table, y'know, and pull down my pants and like, go around while people are eating their lunch and just go "Poop!"
- Butt-head: Okay, settle down, Beavis.
- Beavis: And run over there and go "Poop!" A little "Poop!" over there.
- Butt-head: That's enough.
- Beavis: It's chicken-fried steak! Poop!
----
The Grays, Very Best Years
- Butt-head: Uhh...this is kinda irritating.
- Beavis: Hehe, yeah. I bet this is one of those songs that, like, it sucks right now, but then later on it starts rocking.
- Butt-head: Uhh, how do you know?
- Beavis: Cause, that one guy's got a goatee.
- Butt-head: Uhh, oh. Well, let's see. [the chorus starts, but it doesn't start rocking] Uuuuhhhh!!! Is that what you're talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: What's going on?
- Butt-head: What the hell is going on here?
- Beavis: Yeah, what...what is this??
- Butt-head: [imitates an arpeggio in the song] Dududududududuh-daaaaaaaaahhh!!!
-----
- Butt-head: This is like that easy listening stuff.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. How come they call that easy listening, when it's like, it's really hard to listen to? It makes me sick!
----
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking!
- Beavis: I didn't promise, Butt-head, I said maybe it would start rocking!
- Butt-head: Well, maybe I'm gonna smack you upside the head, dumbass.
- Beavis: Well, I'm gonna kick your ass, I promise. Butthole.
----
[the chorus starts again]
- Butt-head: ings in imitation again] Uhh...dududududududuh-daaaahhh!!! How come these guys suck so much?
- Beavis: Yeah. They dress up like they're gonna rock, but then they just suck!
- Butt-head: Yeah. These guys are like a cross between Stone Temple Pilots and...
- Beavis: Yeah, and my nads...
- Butt-head: Nelson, and...
- Beavis: And my butt...
- Butt-head: Billy Joel, and like, uhh...
- Beavis: And some turds...
- Butt-head: Eddie Rabbitt...
----
Green Day, Basket Case
- Butt-head: This looks like that movie, One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, where they got those guys from Taxi, only they're retarded.
- Butt-head: Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them...uhh, mentally superior or something.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
----
- Beavis: Remember that big Indian dude in that movie?
- Butt-head: Mm-hm.
- Beavis: He was cool. And then he couldn't talk unless he was talking about gum.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think you're not supposed to call them Indian either.
- Beavis: No way, really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. You're supposed to call them African American.
----
- Butt-head: This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes "Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken". And then the doctor says "Then why don't you choke her?"
- Beavis: Oh yeah. [imitates chicken] Bawk-ba-bawk!
----
Grim Reaper, Fear No Evil
[both are laughing]- Beavis: It's this again.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Check it out.
- Beavis: Oh wow, it's Grim Reaper again. Whoa, look at that big boat.
- Butt-head: These videos are funny.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: These guys should be on that show The State.
- Beavis: Yeah. Because they suck.
----
[the band members are using a giant battering ram to break down a door]
- Beavis: Whoa, what is that thing?
- Butt-head: It's like, these guys suck so bad, they have to go to their concerts in these armoured vehicles.
- Beavis: You know, that singer, um, he looks a little better in this video, it's like, he doesn't look as ugly as, uh...never mind.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's too bad he's not good looking like me.
----
[commenting on a wolfman with huge claws]
- Butt-head: Uhh...I think that's supposed to be Wolverine.
- Beavis: That's not Wolverine. No, that's not Wolverine.
- Butt-head: I know, but like, you know, in England they probably, like, draw him different, because they're dumb.
- Beavis: No. That's not Wolverine.
- Butt-head: Yeah it is, but he's just like, you know, a little different than the American Wolverine.
- Beavis: That is not Wolverine, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Okay, okay, buttmunch, it's not Wolverine! Who cares? Now just shut the hell up so at least I can have a good time watching this crap!
- Beavis: Well, how can you have a good time, if it's not really Wolverine, and you think it is...
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, shut up!
----
Grim Reaper, Rock You to Hell
[laughter can be heard]- Butt-head: [without emotion] Ha ha ha ha ha.
- Beavis: Ha ha ha ha. [sees the band] AAAHHH!! OH NO, IS THIS GRIM REAPER?! OH, GOD! OH, DAMMIT!
- [The lead singer rises up from laying down]
- Butt-head: UH!
- Beavis: AAH! What was that? Was that a bulldog?
- Butt-head: I think it was a Shih Tzu.
- Beavis: Yeah. [In Cornholio accent] A Shih Tzu! Doggie poo!
----
- Butt-head: You know, maybe if they put more suck bands in prison, people would like, you know, try to stay out of prison.
- Beavis: Maybe it would have a, um...positive, um, effect on, um, generations of the youth.
- Butt-head: Beavis, quit trying to sound smart.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Um...actually, um...I think they all should just get the chair. Including Grim Reaper.
----
- Butt-head: He's got a fat little face.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's got a fat bloated face that you get when you eat too many urinal mints.
- Butt-head: Uh...what are you talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: You know, those round things that are there, you know, so you can freshen up after you take a leak.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're not supposed to eat those!
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I know, I was just kidding.
- Butt-head: Dumbass!
----
Grim Reaper, See You in Hell
- Butt-head: Is this Spinal Tap?
- Beavis: Yeah, tap is cool.
- Butt-head: This isn't Spinal Tap! This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah, this sucks!
----
- Butt-head: Where'd these guys get their clothes?
- Beavis: I think they bought them at that rock and roll store at the mall.
----
- Beavis: Didn't these guys play at the state fair last year?
- Butt-head: Yeah. They won a blue ribbon in the pig contest.
- Beavis: Eh heh heh, yeah, heh heh. Because he's fat!
----
- Beavis: AAAAAAAHHHHH! Shut up! Shut up!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Shut up!
- Beavis: You suck!
- Butt-head: Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!
----
GWAR, Jack the World
- Butt-head: This is what it's all about.
- Beavis: It's like, you watch all these videos, you watch TV, everything sucks, and then something like this comes on, and it's like, it's cool!
----
- Beavis: It's like, you have to watch TV for hours and hours and hours before you see this video, but it's like, when you do it's all worth it.
- Butt-head: It sure is. You know what they should do? They should, like, tell you what time the video's like in TV Guide or something.
- Beavis: That would be cool. But then it's like, you'd still have to like, watch for hours and hours and hours until it came on.
- Butt-head: No you wouldn't, Beavis! It's like, if they say it's gonna be on like, at eleven o'clock or something, then like, you know when it's gonna be on.
- Beavis: Yeah, but like, if it's like, six o'clock, then it's like, you have to keep watching it, because it's not on.
- Butt-head: Uhh...oh yeah. Well, at least you what time it's on, though.
- Beavis: So, how do you know what time it is?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I dunno. I guess you'd have to keep watching until the video came on. Then it's like, you'd know what time it is.
----
GWAR, Saddam a Go-Go
- Beavis: Yes, yes, GWAAAARRRR!!! Yeah, alright!
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: Whoa, GWAR has horns now?
- Butt-head: Yeah, they taught the sex slaves to play horns. It's like Balsac told 'em - "Throwing blood and urine in the audience isn't enough. You guys need to learn how to play something".
----
- Butt-head: I heard that one time, this kid had a seizure at a GWAR concert, and that singer dude told everybody not to help him.
- Beavis: Really? Uh oh, it's happening...[convulses as if he was having a seizure]
- Butt-head: I'm not gonna help you. Oderus Urungus would want it that way.
- Beavis: Thanks, Butt-head.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out. [sings along] He died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died ...[Butt-head smacks him] OOOOWWWWW!!!! Oh, thanks, Butt-head. I was stuck.
----
- Beavis: Um...whoa, cool! Look at that giant worm thing!
- Butt-head: It's like, it eats really hot chicks, and then it takes a dump.
- Beavis: Now that's a damn good show right there. [mock-Hispanic accent] Yeah, yeah, yeah, they shall drown in their own blood!
- Butt-head: [also imitating a Hispanic accent] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
- Beavis: The mother of all wars has begun!
----
Helium, Pat's Trick
- Beavis: What is that?
- Butt-head: It's a hoe.
- Beavis: Yeah, I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [Butt-head laughs] Why is that funny?
- Butt-head: Because, Beavis, you thought when I said a hoe, that thought I was talking about the chick. But I was talking about the hoe.
- Beavis: Okay, but why is that funny?
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis! Because, like, when a word means two things like that, it's pretty funny.
- Beavis: I'll be damned. I didn't know that.
- Butt-head: You know, it's like, choking your chicken could be, like, if you had a pet chicken, and you were choking it. [as in literally asphyxiating a chicken] Or it could mean, like, you're choking your chicken. [as in masturbation]
- Beavis: [laughing] Oh yeah. That's funny! Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny. I get that one. Okay, I got one - masturbating! [laughs]
- Butt-head: Uhh, that doesn't work, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah it does! I do it all the time!
----
- Butt-head: This chick has small nostrils.
- Beavis: I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head. You look like a cow.
- Butt-head: Well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. It means you have lots of loogie.
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis. You'll be thinking about loogies and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.
----
Helium, XXX
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.
----
- Butt-head: I think this chick just like, woke up or something.
- Beavis: She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something.
- Butt-head: She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.
- Beavis: She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Musicians rule.
----
- Butt-head: Check it out! Her guitar's broken.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah!
- Beavis: They should break that escalator too. That would rule.
----
- [The lead singer is destroying an overhead projector]
- Beavis: Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!
- Butt-head: Yeah! I hate those things.
- Beavis: Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.
----
- [A bandmember resembles Jim Carrey]
- Butt-head: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective!
----
- Butt-head: Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, and then they just leave.
----
Helmet, Wilma's Rainbow
- Beavis: What's happening to this dude's face?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.
- Beavis: Really? That's dumb.
- Butt-head: It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.
- Beavis: When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [Beavis' face is in his neutral expression]
- Butt-head: Yeah. I usually use this expression. [Butt-head grimaces] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.
- Beavis: I usually use this one when I'm lying. [Beavis' face is once again in neutral] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.
- Butt-head: This one usually works for me. [Butt-head grimaces]
- Beavis: I usually use this one. [Beavis' face is once again in neutral]
- Butt-head: That's a pretty good one, Beavis.
----
Helmet, Unsung
- Beavis: That drummer looks like a regular guy.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If you saw him on the street, you wouldn't even know he was cool.
----
Hole, Violet
- Butt-head: [The screen says Violet] Uh...violence?
- Beavis: Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.
----
- Butt-head: Check it out! Hole!
- Beavis: Oh yeah! Who are these guys, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uh...this is Hole, Beavis. Who did you think I was talking about?
- Beavis: Oh! I thought you were talking about her bunghole.
- Butt-head: You dumbass.
- Beavis: Yeah. Hole!
----
- Butt-head: So like, the sign at the beginning said "violence", and the band's name is Hole, and it's like, we aren't seeing any violence or any hole.
- Beavis: Yeah, really! That sucks!
- Butt-head: Yeah. They need to like, show a big, violent butthole.
- Beavis: I'll show you my butthole if you want. [Butt-head slaps Beavis across both sides of his face] Ow!
----
- Beavis: You know, I heard this Hole chick is a slut.
- Butt-head: Really?
- Beavis: Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! [Baevis's eyes widen] YEAH!
----
- Butt-head: You know who Hole looks like in this video? She looks like that Tori Spelling chick.
- Beavis: Yeah, but Hole looks a lot hotter than Tori Spelling.
- Butt-head: What kind of a name is Hole anyways?
- Beavis: Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna name your daughter Hole, at least name her like, Bunghole or something.
- Butt-head: It could be like, you know, that joke where the father names her after the first thing he sees when she's born.
- Beavis: Yeah, but then why would he, um...oh yeah!
----
Hum, Stars
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?
- Butt-head: Beavis, it's not even normal to ask.
----
Iggy Pop, Butt Town
- Iggy Pop: The cops are well-groomed, with muscled physiques in Butt Town...
- Butt-head: Butt Town?
- Beavis: Yeah, that's what he said! He said Butt Town!
- Butt-head: This is cool!
- Beavis: Butt Town!
----
- Iggy Pop: If you live in Butt Town....
- Butt-head: Yeah! If you live in Butt Town...
- Iggy Pop: ...you gotta get down.
- Butt-head: Yeah! You gotta get down!
- Beavis: Butt Town! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Butt Town rules.
----
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, where is Butt Town?
- Butt-head: I don't know, but I'm gonna find a map and go there.
- Beavis: Can I come too?
- Butt-head: Uh... no, Beavis. Dumbass.
----
- Butt-head: This song has the best lyrics I've ever heard.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! How did this guy come up with this stuff? Butt Town! You live in Butt Town, you gotta get down!
- Butt-head: Yeah. This dude should hook up with Sir Mix-a-Lot, and they can like, sit around and talk about butts and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I'd like to see that.
----
Infectious Grooves, Violent and Funky
- Beavis: Those squares remind me of that game all those stupid dorks play...um, chest.
- Beavis: Yeah. It doesn't even have anything to do with boobs.
----
- Mike Muir: ...but a .357 gonna blow your damn head off!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?
- Butt-head: Uh...that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something.
----
- Butt-head: If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.
- Butt-head: That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.
- Butt-head: If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet read and I'd say, [Clown-like voice] "Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!"
- Beavis: Yeah, and then I'd say, "Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time."
- Butt-head: Yeah. That would be cool.
----
James, Say Something
- Butt-head: Uh...is this another one of those damn '80s suck videos?
- Beavis: Oh yeah! Oh yeah, it's from that album The Classics of Suck.
----
- [The band is in gorilla costumes]
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, those aren't real gorillas.
- Butt-head: Yeah. They had to get fake ones, 'cause like, they knew real ones wouldn't listen to this crap. You know what animal would listen to this crap? Is a cow.
- Beavis: Yeah. Cows can listen to this crap, because they have like...they have like, um, six stomachs.
- Butt-head: I bet you can get a cow to listen to like, Warrant.
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, who is this buttknocker anyways?
- Butt-head: Uh...this is James.
- Beavis: James who?
- Butt-head: His parents asked him not to use their last name, because like, he sucks.
- Beavis: His parents said "Son, we know you suck, and that's OK, but could you just not use our name?"
- Butt-head: Yeah. And then they hugged him.
- Beavis: Yeah. What a wuss!
----
Jamie Walters, Hold On
- Jamie Walters: I don't wanna see you...
- Beavis: I don't wanna see you either!
- Butt-head: Yeah, really.
- Beavis: Um, change the channel, come on Butt-head, or turn it off, or something.
- Butt-head: Uhh, there's nothing else on.
- Beavis: What happened to those cards?
- Butt-head: Uhh, they're right here.
- Beavis: Come on, let's play another round. I wanna win my two dollars back.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay. This game is called "Bunghole Surprise". [shuffles the cards]
- Beavis: Cool!
- Butt-head: First you take your cards, and then you, like, tell me what you have.
- Beavis: Um, okay. [cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. The pair have now started their card game] I have two eights, and a nine, and a three, and a chick.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay. Dumbass. Uhh, okay, I'm gonna, like, get five new cards. Uhh, I bet eighteen dollars. And I won. So you owe me eighteen dollars, bunghole.
- Beavis: No way, that's too much! I don't wanna play this anymore!
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay. You don't wanna play, we'll just watch this video.
- Beavis: Ah, no! Okay, I'll play. Um...okay, eighteen dollars.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay. I won.
- Beavis: Dammit, really? How come I keep losing? I never win!
----
Janet Jackson, You Want This
- Janet Jackson: Shanna, will you hurry up and get your funky butt off the bed?
- Beavis: Did you hear that? She just called her monkey butt!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That was pretty cool!
----
- Beavis: I'm getting kinda sick of Janet Jackson.
- Butt-head: Yeah. She always has a bunch of chicks sitting around and talking before the video.
----
- Beavis: That's a pretty nice hotel.
- Butt-head: Yeah. When you're, like, rich and famous, you can stay in those really nice hotels where they have adult videos and hourly rates and stuff like that.
- Beavis: How come hotels have hourly rates anyway?
- Butt-head: 'Cause, dumbass, it only takes, like, an hour to do it.
- Beavis: Wow. A whole hour?
- Butt-head: A whole whore.
- Beavis: Yeah, a whole whore.
- Butt-head: You can get on the phone and be like "Uhh, room service? I'd like some bacon, and a couple Cokes, and a bunch of whores..."
- Beavis: Yeah yeah! "And a side order of POOP!"
- Butt-head: Uh, what did you say, Beavis?
- Beavis: Oh, I was just saying, "And a side order of POOP!"
- Butt-head: Oh boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.
- Beavis: Um, oh. Sorry about that. I just, you know...I don't know, I thought it was pretty cool. [muttering to himself] A side order of poop? To go with the whores?
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis.
----
- Butt-head: Excuse me, are those Bunghole Boys you're wearing?
- Beavis: [laughs] Bunghole Boys.
----
- Janet Jackson: Could you handle this?
- Butt-head: Could you handle this, Beavis?
- Beavis: Yeah, since I can handle this, I can probably handle that!
----
- [Beavis is humping the couch]
- Butt-head: Ugh! What are you doing, Beavis?
- Beavis: Doin' my monkey boy.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, get down!
- Beavis: I am gettin' down! Rat-a-tat-tat-d'atass...
----
Jen Trynin, Happier
- Beavis: Whoa check it out, they got some of that Keeyotepcate up there, up above that guy's hands.
- Butt-head: Uhhh...oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.
- Beavis: Y'know, um...that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.
- Butt-head: Uh, really?
- Beavis: It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.
- Butt-head: Beavis...
- Beavis: Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt.
- Butt-head: Cool.
- Beavis: It was pretty cool. It was like, really big...I can show it to you if you want.
- Butt-head: You still have it?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.
- Beavis: Why?
----
Jerry Lee Lewis, Goosebumps
- Beavis: Whoa, I think this is my grampa!
- Butt-head: No this is that dude that was in that movie...he married his cousin, and then they did it.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I think that movie was called "Great Balls of FIRE!!"
----
The Jesus and Mary Chain, Come On
- Butt-head: I think this is The Jesus and Mary Chain.
- Beavis: Quit cursing, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: I'm not! That's the name of the band, Beavis!
- Beavis: Why would anybody name their band that?! It means like...everytime you like...say the name of the band, you're like, um, doing one of those, um...sins?
- Butt-head: Yeah. They're gonna spend an eternity in Hell.
----
Jill Sobule, I Kissed a Girl
- Beavis: These houses look fake, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Of course they do. That's the whole point of college music, to like, make the suburbs look bad.
----
- Jill Sobule: ...such a hairy behemoth, she said...
- Beavis: Hey, did you hear that, Butt-head? She said "Harry Bohemis".
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: What does that mean?
- Butt-head: You don't know?
- Beavis: I think it, maybe, um...it had something to do with stools. Poop!
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, shut up! There are these two chicks that kiss in this video, and I don't want you talking about stools!
----
- Jill Sobule: I kissed a girl.
- Beavis: WAAAHHH!!!! BUTT-HEAD, SHE SAID SHE JUST KISSED A GIRL!!!
- Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, I know! That's what I was trying to tell you when you were talking about stools.
- Beavis: Wow, I'll be damned. OHH!! Maybe they'll show it! This is gonna be cool!
- Butt-head: [seeing Fabio] Whoa! It's Harry Bohemis!
----
- Beavis: Boy, this is turning out to be pretty good.
- Butt-head: You know, when I see two girls kissing, it kinda gives me a special feeling.
- Beavis: Yeah, me too. Kinda makes me wanna...make a stool. Poop!
- Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, you are messed up!
----
- Jill Sobule: I kissed a girl.
- Beavis: Whoa, she said it again! She said she kissed a girl again! Did you hear that?
- Butt-head: You have to do a lot more than that if you wanna be a thespian.
----
- Beavis: I like this part in here after she says she kissed a girl, where it goes "Nyayayayayayayaya!"
- Butt-head: If there were two chicks right here, making out, you'd probably just go "WAAAHHH!!!!", and talk about stools and stuff.
- Beavis: Yep. Sit back, watch a couple chicks make out and talk about stools.
----
John Fogerty, Old Man Down the Road
- Beavis: Hey, check it out, that looks like that Jungle Ride.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's so stupid. You get in there and then there's that guy with that safari hat on and stuff.
- Beavis: When I used to go on that thing, I used to just like, jump off the boat and wade around in the water, and go off into the bushes and sit there by myself. And then I'd stand up and pull down my pants and go "Poopapoo!"
----
- Beavis: You know, another cool ride to jump off of is the Haunted House. I used to like, go in there, and jump off the car. Then I'd go over by the witches and wait 'til the next car comes, and then I'd put a broom up my butt and go "Poopapoo!".
- Butt-head: Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs.
- Beavis: Really? I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter. I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.
- Butt-head: Uhh...you're just joking, right?
- Beavis: Um...no.
----
Johnny Cash, Delia's Gone
- Butt-head: Uh...who is this dude? He looks familiar.
- Beavis: Oh yeah! That's um, um, uh, what's his name, uh...Captain Kangaroo!
- Butt-head: Captain what?
- Beavis: You know, Captain Kangaroo! With Mr. Green Jeans and Magic Drawing Board. You know.
----
- Beavis: Um...what kind of music is this?
- Butt-head: Uh...I think this is like some kinda gangsta rap.
----
- Butt-head: I bet this dude scores a lot because like, he wears black.
- Beavis: Plus, he's like, old.
----
- Johnny Cash: Kind of evil make me want to grab my submachine.
- Beavis: Whoa! This is pretty violent.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Enough is enough.
- Johnny Cash: First time I shot her...
- Butt-head: Whoa! He shouldn't have shot that chick. She's pretty hot.
- Beavis: Yeah, really!
- Butt-head: I would've taken her off his hands.
- Beavis: Yeah, you know what he should have done? He should have fired some warning shots in the air, and that would have scared her away. And then I could score.
- Butt-head: I guess if a chick has to choose between dying or like doing it with you, you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, I know! That's why I was suggesting it.
----
Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Dang
- Beavis: Alright! A video! Yeah!
- Butt-head: I like music videos.
- Beavis: Yeah, because you don't just hear the band, you see 'em too.
- Beavis: This is gonna be cool! I haven't seen a video in a while.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Look, there's like a spaceship and stuff!
- Butt-head: Wow!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! This is great. This is just great!
----
- Butt-head: I didn't know something could kick this much ass.
- Beavis: Yeah! Oh yeah, that's cool. That's wild.
- [Beavis and Butt-head are both laughing hysterically]
- Beavis: Ooh, she's got a bunch of arms...
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Wow!
- Beavis: That was cool!
- Butt'head: That's unbelievable!
- Beavis: Boy, I haven't seen a video in a while, that is really great!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, got any more nutmeg?
- Butt-head: I don't think so.
- Beavis: That's okay. That's okay, man. I don't need any.
----
Jordy, Dur dur d'être bébé
- [Beavis and Butt-head are watching a music video with a singing four-and-a-half year old]
- Beavis: Is this kid a foreigner?
- Butt-head: No, buttmunch! He's just too young to know how to talk yet.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. I knew how to talk, like, right when I was born.
- Butt-head: Really? That's pretty cool.
- Beavis: I said, "First, I, like, want something to eat, and then I'm gonna take a dump." It was cool.
- Butt-head: Wait a minute, Beavis. I thought you flunked kindergarten because you didn't know how to talk.
- Beavis: Oh, you mean, like, talking out loud? That's a whole 'nother story, Butt-head.
----
Journey, Separate Ways
- Butt-head: Whoa! Is this The Partridge Family?
- Beavis: Um...yeah!
- Butt-head: I think this is Barry Manilow.
- Beavis: This isn't Barry Manilow. He has blonde hair like me.
- Butt-head: Yeah, and he sucks like you too.
- Beavis: Yeah. I mean...no. Buttmunch.
----
- Butt-head: Uh...uh...boy, this is horrible.
- Beavis: Yeah! And it sucks too.
- Butt-head: Yeah. This video, like, like if it was a turd, it would like, be like the same thing.
- Beavis: At least if this video was a turd, it would like...be kind of cool.
----
Judas Priest, Painkiller
- Rob Halford: Faster than a bullet. Terrifying scream.
- Beavis: [does an exaggerated impersonation of Rob Halford]
----
- Butt-head: Hey! I feel like killing myself!
- Beavis: Yeah, uh huh, heh, huh huh!
- Butt-head: I feel like killing you!
----
- Butt-head: They're guilty. See you in hell, Rob Halford! This dude is old.
----
Julee Cruise, Rockin' Back Inside My Heart
- Butt-head: Oh no. Is this The Eurythmics?
- Beavis: [laughs] You said, um...you said, uh...eur...uh...you said something...eur...uh, urine?
- Butt-head: No, Beavis. I said is this The Eurythmics?
- Beavis: Yeah, I know, but it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like eur...uh, sounds kinda urine-y. There's something there.
- Butt-head: Shut up.
----
- [Julee is singing from an open trunk]
- Beavis: Come on, shut the truck. SHUT IT!:
- Butt-head: Yeah! This reminds me of that part in Goodfellas where they have that guy in the trunk. That movie was funny.
- Beavis: Remember that one part where he goes "What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean? Funny looking, what are you talking about? Funny, what, am I here to amuse you? Am I hear for your entertainment? What are you talking about? No! You said I was funny!" Pretty good, huh?
- Butt-head: Yeah, then that guy wussed out. Remember that time you were doing it to McVicker?
- Beavis: That didn't work out to well, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Yeah. You wussed out too.
----
Juliana Hatfield, What A Life
- Beavis: Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.
- Butt-head: Uh...it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?
- Beavis: Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh...WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!
- Butt-head: You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, it was a boob.
- Butt-head: Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?
- Beavis: Um, a second is better than nothing.
- Butt-head: No it isn't. It sucks.
- Beavis: Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?
- Butt-head: 'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and nobody likes you.
- Beavis: Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.
- Butt-head: [half laughing] You don't have any friends.
- Beavis: I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.
- Butt-head: Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, you wish.
----
- Beavis: Aah, she's got blood in her eyes! Ew, this is freaky, Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're a wuss.
- Beavis: Damnit, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like....feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.
----
Julie Brown, Girl Fight Tonight!
- Julie Brown: Girl fight tonight!
- Beavis: Yeah! Girl fight! Chicks! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Here are some chicks!
- Butt-head: Uh...not so fast, Beavis. These aren't chicks. This is like, that beer commercial where those poor dudes come in and it's like, ladies night, and they're dressed up like chicks.
- Beavis: Um...no way, really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's really dumb.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head! Um...really?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Um...boy, he has pretty nice boobs for a dude.
- Butt-head: Um...yeah, I guess so.
----
- Butt-head: [After Julie pulls a switchblade on a girl] Whoa! Check it out, she's got a boner switchblade.
- Beavis: Cool! [Girl who got threatened backs against a wall] I'll save you baby, I'll save you! As long as you do it with me. It's like one of those movies where they're kicking ass at a restaurant and a guy says "Your crab style very good, but it no match for my crane style!"
- Butt-head: Yeah, except this is a beer commercial.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
----
- Beavis: I like when girls fight, 'cause they're like "She called me a bitch, and I said you're a slut, well we'll go outside and see who the slut is, bitch!"
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.
----
- Julie Brown: That's right, you slut!
- Beavis: Yeah, you slut!
- Julie Brown: I'm gonna rip out your hairs one by one!
- Beavis: Yeah, bitch!
- [Julie tackles a girl into a kiddie pool of a white substance, the duo are in awe]
- Butt-head: They should have done this in the beginning of the video!
----
Kate Bush, Love and Anger
- Butt-head: Oh no, what is this crap?
- Beavis: Yeah, why is she just sitting there?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Get up!
- Beavis: Just like, just stand up and get out of there.
- Butt-head: I wish she would stand up and leave.
- Beavis: And I wish the music would stop too.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Just because we have to sit through this crap doesn't mean she can too!
- [Glitter begins to fall on her]
- Beavis: Hey look, Butt-head! They're throwing a bunch of crap on her!
- Butt-head: Yeah! And she still won't get up.
- Beavis: Maybe she's inside one of those things, you know like when you shake it and there's a snowman in it and stuff comes down?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I like to break those.
- Beavis: Yeah. Me too. I like to break just about anything.
----
- Butt-head: What's all that crap she's holding?
- Beavis: I don't know. Maybe they're like tools or something.
- Butt-head: ...tools?
----
- Beavis: Hey check out those guys!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Mr. Bungholio and his twirling fartknockers.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's like someone said, "Okay, this sucks. I think it's time to bring out Mr. Bungholio and his twirling buttknockers."
- Butt-head: Uh...that's fartknocker, Beavis.
----
- Butt-head: I wish this chick would just quit whining.
- Beavis: Um...you know, you could change the channel, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: I shouldn't have to do that. She should just shut up. She's the one who sucks.
----
King Diamond, The Family Ghost
- Butt-head: Uh...uh-oh. This is horrible.
- Beavis: I kinda feel sorry for these guys, you know, because um, I think it's probably not their fault that they suck so much.
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah it is.
----
- Butt-head: Uh...wow. This might be the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.
- Beavis: Um...this dude kinda looks like that dude from Sesame Street...The Count.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like [imitating The Count] A-one! A-two! A-three! A-four buttknockers! Ahahahaha!
- Beavis: [also imitating The Count] Ahahahahahahaha!
----
- Butt-head: Oh boy. This is really sad. It's probably like, you know, he has kids and stuff, and he's like "Okay kids, I gotta put on my make-up and go do another show."
- Beavis: Yeah, you know? It's too bad, really.
----
KMFDM, A Drug Against War
- Voiceover: Kill everything, kill everything...
- Beavis: Yeah, okay! Kill everything. KILL EVERYTHING! Except me.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis. Don't you care about anybody but yourself?
- Beavis: Um...uh...no. I don't care about anybody or anything, except me.
- Butt-head: What about when I'm kicking your ass? Do you care about me then?
- Beavis: Um...no, I just care about my ass. [In Cornholio accent] It is each man for himself! I will fight and die for myself!
- Butt-head: Well, I guess that's a good thing because like, nobody likes you. And like, you can like, care about yourself, while I'm off scoring with chicks.
----
- [An animated man is caressing his hand against a woman's side, about to reach her breast]
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Beavis: HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER!
- Butt-head: Settle down, dumbass.
----
- [An animated, giant woman with noticeable breasts walks by]
- Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head, that chick doesn't have a head!
- Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah. That's like that joke, what does the perfect woman look like?
- Beavis: Um, yeah, what?
- Butt-head: Uh...I don't know, she's probably, you know, pretty hot. I think it's like, she has big thingys or something?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that's pretty funny. She has big thingys. It's pretty funny.
----
Korn, Blind
- Beavis: Whoa! This looks like it might rock.
- Butt-head: Yeah, maybe.
- Beavis: Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.
----
- Butt-head: You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Want me to strike you?
- Beavis: No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove.
- Butt-head: Uh, Beavis?
- Beavis: However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality.
- Butt-head: What's your problem?
- Beavis: One can't help but be reminded of such bands as Pearl Jam, White Zombie, Suicidal Tendencies, and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock.
- Butt-head: You're talking like a dork, Beavis!
- Beavis: One is even reminded of Laurie Anderson when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter.
- Butt-head: Beavis!
- Beavis: In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from...[Butt-head hits him several times]...AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?
- Butt-head: You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? Wow.
- Butt-head: But then you did say spinxter.
----
Kylie Minogue, The Loco-Motion
- Butt-head: Whoa! It's Barbie.
- Beavis: They oughta get some dude without a wiener to play Ken.
- Butt-head: Why don't you go for it, Beavis?
----
- Butt-head: This chick has more teeth than most people.
- Beavis: Yeah. Bite me!
----
- Butt-head: She looks like that chick in the mall.
- Beavis: Chicken what?
- Butt-head: That chick in the mall!
- Beavis: That chicken? What do you mean?
- Butt-head: No, asswipe! I'm talking about that chick!
- Beavis: Oh, you mean that chick who works at Chick-fil-A? That chicken place?
- Butt-head: What's your problem, Beavis? I'm not talking about chicken! Pull your thumb out of your ear and back into your butt!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head! You did talk about chicken! You said that chicken mall!
----
- Butt-head: This video is upbeat.
- Beavis: This video makes me want to get up and beat it.
- Butt-head: You said "up!"
----
- Butt-head: This makes me feel good.
- Beavis: This video?
- Butt-head: No. This! [Changes the channel]
----
LaTour, People Are Still Having Sex
- [A Mars symbol shows up onscreen
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener?
- Beavis: Um... what wiener? Where?
- Butt-head: It stands for wieners everywhere.
- Beavis: Um... yeah. Good.
----
- LaTour: But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.
- Butt-head: Uh... people are still having sex?
- Beavis: Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis!
- Beavis: Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!
- Butt-head: So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!
- Beavis: Well, okay.
----
- LaTour: Do you understand me?
- Beavis: Yeah, I understand you, but where?!
- LaTour: Lust keeps on lurking...
- Beavis: Dammit, come on! Who? Where?
- Butt-head: Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!
- LaTour: The safe thing's not working...
- Beavis: Um...
- LaTour: People are still having sex!
- Beavis: Yeah, okay...
- LaTour: People are still having sex!
- Beavis: Dammit, there he goes again!
- Butt-head: Beavis, shut up!
----
- [The top of a Mars symbol penetrates a round shape]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!
- Beavis: Yeah! uh...a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [Gets up and leaves]
- Butt-head: Yea, bring me back a couple!
----
Letters to Cleo, Here and Now
[the lead singer's head is the focus of one shot]- Beavis: I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [the camera pans down to her legs] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.
- Butt-head: Thank you, may I have another?
----
- Butt-head: Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?
- Beavis: Let's see, um, Family Ties, Full House, My Two Dads, Growing Pains, One Day At a Time...
- Butt-head: Uh, no.
- Beavis: Melrose Place, Northern Exposure, What's Happening!!, Good Times, Jeffersons...
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, that chick that used to be young and had big hooters.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: And she was like, married to that dude and living with her parents, and now she does those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids.
- Beavis: Oh yeah! And she was also in that commercial for the career institute, where she's going like, [high-pitched voice] "You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, corp rewarders, computer technicians, high school!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. [both laugh]
- Beavis: I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That'd be a good job.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
----
- Beavis: [jabbers nonsensically] What? What did you say?
- Butt-head: What? I didn't say anything!
- Beavis: Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [jabbers nonsensically], didn't you say something?
- Butt-head: Uh, no.
- Beavis: Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [imitates Butt-head] "Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool", or something like that.
- Butt-head: Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.
- Beavis: Okay. I'll give that a try right now.
----
Life of Agony, This Time
- [A man looks angrily towards the camera]
- Beavis: Hey, hey! Quit looking at me like that! You wanna fight?!
- Butt-head: You always like, talk tough in front of the TV set but if that dude was really here, you'd be a total wuss.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I'd take him on.
- Butt-head: No you wouldn't! You'd be going like [Mocks Beavis's voice] Yeah...huh huh huh...yeah...huh huh huh.
- Beavis: Yeah. [snickers] Yeah.
----
- Butt-head: Is that that Christian Slater dude?
- Beavis: Yeah. It's like "Christians? Later, dude."
- Butt-head: Beavis, quit trying to be funny. It never works.
----
- Butt-head: Whoa! This part of the song sucks. It's like, that other part is pretty cool, but it's like, they go into all these different parts, and most of them suck.
- Beavis: If they could just stick to that one part that's cool, you know? Not play the stuff that, like, sucks, and uh, you know, then like, you know, we'd all be like, you know, we'd all be a little better.
----
- Keith Caputo: You've got time, but you ain't got time for me...
- Butt-head: Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.
- Beavis: Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!
- Butt-head: He's practically crying.
- Beavis: Aww! That's too bad.
----
Live, I Alone
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think this dude is checking you out, Beavis.
- Beavis: No he's not! Liar.
- Butt-head: Yeah he is. He's like, "I like what I see. I'll be right over."
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! He can't see me, because he's just looking at the camera, he's in the video.
- Butt-head: Remember that time that dude was saying that stuff to you at the bus station?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: He said, "I like what I see. Now why don't you go into one of those stalls and I'll meet you there."
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! At least I got a candy bar out of the deal.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
----
- Beavis: Who the hell is this buttmunch?! What's going on here?
- Butt-head: What's with all these faces he's making? He's like, trying to be scary and all heavy and intense and stuff.
- Beavis: Who's this other guy, that keeps, like, trying to get in front of him?
- Butt-head: I think he's just some jackass that wandered on the set. Maybe he’s like, the drummer, and like, they got there and they said "Where are your drums?" and he’s like, "Uhh, I thought they were in the van."
- Beavis: And they’re like, "You mean you didn’t bring your drums?"
- Butt-head: And they said "Okay, it’s your own fault. You’re gonna have to wander around like a buttmunch for the whole video."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And then he said "Okay, that’s okay with me, yeah. I can do that."
- Butt-head: What a jack-butt-munch-ass-dumb-butt.
----
- Butt-head: Look at that little braid thing on the back of his head.
- Beavis: Yeah, it’s like, one of those dolls, where you pull the string, and they, like, talk and stuff.
- Butt-head: That would be a cool doll if you had, like, this little bald dude without a shirt, and you, like, pull a string on the back of his head and he just starts shouting at you. And then it could wet its pants.
----
Lordz of Brooklyn, Saturday Night Fever
- Beavis: [sings] American Woman!
- Butt-head: They think they're bad cause they're walking slow.
----
[a heavy-set man with a mustache has the caption "Scotty"]
- Beavis: Check it out, Scotty. [imitates Scotty] Captain, she's breaking up! We can't hold out much longer! Get out your seat and jump around! Jump around!
- Butt-head: [also imitating Scotty] Get out your seat and jump around. Jump around.
- Beavis: These guys are like, it's like they're trying to be House of Pain.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And the Beastie Boys, and uh, Goodfellas...
- Beavis: And Resavore Dogs.
----
- Butt-head: You know, if these dudes were as cool as they think they are, they'd be hanging out with chicks on a Saturday night.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really. Or at least, like, watching TV or something. I wonder where these guys get these clothes?
- Butt-head: Uh, you can get them at this place called Buy George down at the mall.
- Beavis: No way, really? Cool.
----
- Beavis: Who are these guys, anyway?
- Butt-head: Uh, the Lordz of Brooklyn.
- Beavis: I thought there was only one Lord. That's what they said in Sunday school.
- Butt-head: You're thinking of, like, outer space, Beavis. That's where the lord lives.
----
M.I.R.V., Shave My Face Off
- Beavis: That's all you need anyway, is a beer, a chair, and a TV. I mean if I go through life and wind up never scoring, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just had a beer, a chair and a TV--
- Butt-head: Beavis, you are NEVER going to score.
- Beavis: I'm not saying I'll never score. I'm just saying, y'know, if that's the way it worked out, it wouldn't be too bad...well, no, it would suck, but it would be if I had a TV, and um...dammit! Nevermind.
- Butt-head: You'll be lucky if you even drink a beer. You'll probably never have a chair either.
- Beavis: This is gonna suck.
----
Madonna, Fever
- Butt-head: This chick was married to that dude who would punch you if you took his picture.
- Beavis: Yeah...that Woody Allen dude.
- Butt-head: No, assmunch! Woody Allen's the dude who went out with his daughter.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Hey Butt-head, if you were a chick, would you like, go out with your stepdad?
- Butt-head: Uh...not if his name was Woody.
- Beavis: Yeah. What if his name was Stiffy?
- Butt-head: Uh...well...maybe. Stiffy Allen. Whoa! She's almost naked! That gives me a special feeling on my Woody Allen.
----
Madonna, Secret
- Beavis: You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.
- Butt-head: Yeah, me too! I'd like to have sex with her. That would rule! Check it out. Madonna's always having sex with herself in these videos.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's what I meant too. That would kick ass!
----
- Butt-head: Madonna looks pretty normal here.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. She just looks like a normal, white-haired old lady walking down the street to get some groceries. You know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah. But, you know, for a white-haired old lady, she still looks pretty good.
- Beavis: Oh yeah! You know, I'd do her...
- Butt-head: Beavis, you'd do your old white-haired grandma if you had the chance.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! My grandma's got brown, kinda purple hair.
----
- Butt-head: Madonna's always like...masturbating during her videos.
- Beavis: Yeah, so am I!
- Butt-head: Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna, but when you spank your monkey, you're just having sex with Beavis!
- Beavis: Well, little Beavis.
----
Maggie Estep, Hey Baby
- Maggie Estep: Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby...
- Butt-head: This chick doesn't sing very good.
- Beavis: Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.
- Maggie Estep: [Begins talking] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business...
- Beavis: Okay. That's better.
- Butt-head: Is she like, telling a joke?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?
- Butt-head: Beavis...
----
- Maggie Estep: I get all tense and nervous...
- Beavis: Uh huh.
- Maggie Estep: ...but I keep walking...
- Beavis: Ah! Uh huh.
- Maggie Estep: ...but the guy, he's dogging my every move.
- Beavis: Yeah, that'd piss me off too.
- Maggie Estep: Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh]
- Butt-head: Now that's a good joke.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.
- Butt-head: Yeah, he'd get it.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener...
- Beavis: I heard that.
- Butt-head: ...and then she just came up and got in his face!
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!
- Butt-head: Uh huh.
- Beavis: And she just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, do that outside.
----
Marilyn Manson, Get Your Gunn
- Beavis: Hey! No shirt, no shoes, no service!
- Butt-head: Those are the rules! Now get the hell out of my store!
----
- Marilyn Manson: The housewife I will beat...
- Beavis: The asswipe I will beat?
- Butt-head: He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.
- Beavis: Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Uh...who cares?
----
- Beavis: Whoa! I think he's saying "Get your gun."
- Butt-head: Uh...I think this is one of those "Stop the violence" things...you know, like enough is enough.
- Beavis: You know, they really should um, stop the violence, because sometimes it hurts, you know? It's like, maybe you like, gave peace a chance, and like...[Butt-head smacks Beavis] OW! CUT IT OUT, BUTT-HEAD!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I'm trying to watch this! [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] UUHH! Dammit, Beavis!
- Beavis: Dammit Butt-head! I'm just trying to say, you know, that if they stopped the violence...[Butt-head slaps Beavis again]
- Butt-head: Now quit acting like a damn wuss, Beavis, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!
----
Marilyn Manson, Long Hard Road Out of Hell
- Butt-head: Uh...boy, Cher has sure gone downhill.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really! It's like, her boobs have gotten smaller, and she's like...all weird...
- Butt-head: Yeah, but that's like, when you get old, you get this thing called mentopause, and like, your boobs go away, and like, your butt swells up...
- Beavis: Whoa, really? You know, I think that might be happening to me, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, pull your pants up!
----
- Beavis: Whoa, look, Butt-head! Poop in a jar!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I think there's some wee-wee there too.
----
- Butt-head: Uh...wait a minute. This isn't Cher.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's Charles Manson!
- Butt-head: No, dumbass. It's Marilyn Manson.
- Beavis: Oh. Really? Um, where have I heard that name? Charles Manson...
- Butt-head: You know all these people in this video? They're all like, part of this Manson dude's family, and then they like, do it with each other, and then they like, go out and kill people and cut their ears off and stuff?
- Beavis: Really? I'll be damned.
- Butt-head: Yeah, and like, this is how they like, spend Thanksgiving. They sit around and get naked and scream.
- Beavis: You know, I've seen a lot of stuff, but this is really just disturbing, and just really wrong, and this is just bad.
- Butt-head: These people are messed up.
- Beavis: I got a pamphlet I'd like these guys to read. You know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: They're all gonna spend an eternity in Hell.
----
- Beavis: You know, that one chick? That chick right there? She's kinda hot.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: I'd like to make love to her.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Me too.
- Beavis: I'd like to stroll down, and make love...
- Butt-head: Come to Butt-head.
----
- Butt-head: How does he make it, so like, you can't see his schlong?
- Beavis: Oh, it's easy, Butt-head. You push it down to your taint and you tape it to your buttcrack with duct tape. I've done it before.
- Butt-head: Uh...why did you tape your wiener to your buttbrack, Beavis?
- Beavis: Um...I don't know, I wanted to try it, I thought maybe it'd save time.
----
- Butt-head: Uh...wait a minute, Beavis. That's a dude! [Beavis screams] You want to make love to a dude, Beavis!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! You said you wanted to do him too!
- Butt-head: No I didn't, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yes you did! You said "Yeah, I wanna do her, come to Butt-head!"
- Butt-head: No, I didn't, Beavis! Shut up before I kick you a new bunghole! [singing] Beavis wants to make love to a dude...
- Beavis: SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD! Whoa, it's Matt Pinfield!
- Butt-head: You wanna do it with him too, Beavis?
- Beavis: SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD! I'm serious! I'm gonna haul off and kick you in the nads!
- Butt-head: [Laughs] Beavis is a lesbian.
----
Melvins, Hooch
- Beavis: Yes! Yes!
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: This rules, Butt-head, check this out!
----
- Buzz Osborne: Los ticka toe rest...
- Butt-head: What? I can't understand what he's saying.
- Beavis: What's your problem, dumbass? He's saying, like, um...
- Buzz Osborne: ...sender bright like a penelty...
- Beavis: Done brine like a belty? Yeah, that's cool.
----
- Beavis: See, like, right here, he says, uh...
- Buzz Osborne: Exi-tease my ray day member half lost a beat away...
- Beavis: Um, exit is my raging member, ban on a TV.
- Butt-head: These words rule!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! Rock!
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, if they X-rayed your wiener, would they see a bone?
- Butt-head: If you had a boner, they would.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.
----
[the band members are submerged in water]
- Butt-head: Water is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. We should go to somebody's pool, and like, go inside it, and like, go underwater, and just rock out! [sings along] Like a stinky photographing on a wire relay in a state of!
----
Men Without Hats, The Safety Dance
- Butt-head: Is this Michael Jackson?
- Beavis: I think it's that bee from that Blind Melon video.
----
- Butt-head: Dammit, I'm sick and tired of seeing crap like this.
- Beavis: That'd be cool, if Robin Hood came and shot these guys with an arrow. Yeah, yeah, YEAH, YEAH YEAH!
- Butt-head: Rock on, Beavis!
----
- Men Without Hats: We can dance, we can dance...
- Butt-head: This butthole keeps saying he can dance, but it's like...he can't dance.
- Beavis: Yeah, they need to go to a Pantera concert to learn how to dance.
- Butt-head: They'd get their butts slammed around.
- Beavis: Yeah, they'd get their butts kicked. And if I was there, I'd start kicking that one guy in the nads.
----
MC 900 Ft. Jesus, If I Only Had a Brain
- [Beavis hums along with the bassline]
- Butt-head: Check it out, this dumbass is trying to mail himself. Beavis...cut it out, Beavis. Dammit Beavis, cut it out. Uhh, that'd be cool if, like, I could, like, mail myself. I could put a stamp on my butt and say, like, "Take me to somewhere cool". Beavis, shut up.
- Beavis: [still humming along] Higher!
- Butt-head: Beavis, do you hear me? Shut up! Shut up, Beavis! Beavis, if you don't stop that right now, I'm gonna smack you upside the head!
- Beavis: [sings along] Still be here with you...
- Butt-head: I'm gonna give you three seconds, Beavis! What the hell's the matter with you, Beavis? [smacks Beavis]
- Beavis: OOOWW!! [resumes humming along]
- Butt-head: Beavis, do you hear me? [smacks Beavis again] Shut up!
- Beavis: AH! OW! [resumes humming along]
- Butt-head: Remember that time you turned that jack-in-a-box into a crap-in-the-box? That was cool. Uhh, Beavis? Beavis?
- Beavis: [singing along] Higher, higher!
- Butt-head: Beavis! Beavis, what's your problem, I said stop it! [fed up with this, Butt-head hums along. Beavis stops humming along.]
----
Mercyful Fate, The Bellwitch
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's the Turdburgler!
- Butt-head: You mean the Hamburglar, dude.
- Beavis: No, this guy's a Turdburgler.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah!
----
- Beavis: Look at this dumbass! How come he's the only guy who's wearing make-up?
- Butt-head: It's like, him and the band all got together and stuff, and said "OK man, tomorrow, we're gonna wear some really scary scary makeup tomorrow, and it's gonna be really cool. We're gonna kick some ass." But then this dumbass was the only one stupid enough to do it!
- Beavis: Yeah. The other dudes were probably like "You put makeup on? You dumbass, we were just joking!"
----
- Butt-head: Boy, this is horrible.
- Beavis: Um...don't say that, Butt-head. I kinda feel sorry for these guys.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
----
- Beavis: Whoa! If I had a mic like that, I'd stick a mic into every end, so I'd be four times as loud.
- Butt-head: Uh...no you wouldn't. You can only sing into one end at a time, Beavis.
- Beavis: Not if I spun it around really fast, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: No you wouldn't, Beavis. You'd still be singing into one end at a time.
- Beavis: No, Butt-head. I'd spin it around and go REALLY fast. I'd be like [high-pitched groaning].
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah, I guess that might work.
----
Me'shell Ndegéocello, If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)
- Girl in video: I feel like such an ass.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I feel like an ass too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please.
- Beavis: Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass too?
----
- A different girl in the music video screams
- Beavis: AAH! What was that? What's going on?!
- Butt-head: You wuss! That's just a chick screaming.
- Beavis: They should warn you if they're gonna do that crap, dammit.
----
- Butt-head: Whoa! This song's about like, some chick doing it with like, some other chick's boyfriend.
- Beavis: Yeah! That's pretty harsh.
- Butt-head: Yeah. So like, this chick will only do yo if you like, already have a girlfriend...?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out with you unless you already have a girlfriend...but like, you can't get a girlfriend because you don't have a girlfriend...so it's like...struss-frating.
----
- Beavis: Dammit, what's going on here? This chick is talking! Is this a commercial or a video? What is this?!
- Butt-head: Beavis, just shut up, and like...free your mind or something.
- Beavis: I wanna know what it is...like, I can't pay attention to this!
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, can't you just like...cool out and listen?
- Beavis: Dammit Butt-head, what kind of crap are you talking? You sound like a damn hippie!
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. I'm not gonna smack you today.
----
Metallica, For Whom the Bell Tolls
- Beavis: Check it out, I was at this concert, and then like Lars points at me. [Lars Ulrich points at the crowd] See? He's said, "There's Beavis"! And there I am, right there!
- Butt-head: Beavis, you've never been to a concert in your life.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Your mom's a slut!
- Butt-head: Beavis, Metallica suck. They've never made out with a chick either.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! [the two can be seen hitting each other]
----
- Butt-head: That James Hetfield dude looks like the Cowardly Lion.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! He kicks ass!
- Butt-head: The Cowardly Lion sucks, Beavis.
- Beavis: I was talking about James Hetfield! He rules!
----
- Beavis: YES! YES! Metallica rules!
- Butt-head: Not really, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Just because you say something doesn't rule doesn't mean it doesn't...uh...yeah! Butthole!
- Butt-head: I know. It sucks.
- Beavis: If you say one more thing about Metallica I'm gonna slam you in the nads!
- Butt-head: Go on with your bad self, Beavis.
----
[the camera is focused on a close-up on James Hetfield's nose]
- Butt-head: See, look inside this dude's nose.
- Beavis: I know. It's cool. Dumbass
- Butt-head: Well, boogers and stuff are pretty cool, but the hair isn't very cool.
- Beavis: I dunno. I think it's cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, if you wanna rule, you gotta be cool, like, all the time, like, even when you're taking a dump and stuff, like GWAR.
- Beavis: Oh. I wasn't saying they were as cool as GWAR. But they still rule! They rule! They rule! They kick ass!
----
Metallica, One
- Beavis: What's this?
- Butt-head: You should know, buttmunch. This is Metallica.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, YEAH!!!
----
- [commenting on the rather clean and slow intro]
- Beavis: This part of the song sucks, but it gets cool later.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: It starts going, "Dududududuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!"
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! You're beginning to piss me off.
----
- Butt-head: Lars is cool.
- Beavis: Isn't he that dude on that Addams Family?
- Butt-head: You're thinking of Lurch, dumbass! Lars could kick Lurch's butt.
- Beavis: Yeah. He could kick Cousin Itt's butt too.
- Butt-head: Does Cousin Itt have a butt?
- Beavis: Yeah. [jabbers like Cousin Itt]
- Butt-head: [imitating Lurch] Uhhh, you rang, Mrs. Addams, uhhh?
- Beavis: Heh heh, that was pretty funny, Butt-head.
----
- [the music starts becoming more metallic]
- Butt-head: Yes! Yes!
- Beavis: Yes! Metallica rules!
- Butt-head: They rule.
- Beavis: [singing along] Dunununuh! Dunununuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Beavis: Oh. Sorry, man.
----
Michael Bolton, Everybody's Crazy
- Man in video: Michael, are you crazy?
- Butt-head: Uh, Michael who?
- Beavis: Michael Jackson?
[the conversation in the video continues]
----
- Beavis: Oh my god, it's Michael Bolton!
- Butt-head: No it's not. [embarrased] Uhh...uh oh.
- Beavis: What, what?
- Butt-head: I think I just pooped in my pants.
- Beavis: No way, really?
- Butt-head: I realized it was Michael Bolton, and my bowels let loose.
----
- Beavis: Boy, it's like, he's trying to play heavy metal now or something.
- Butt-head: He can probably make any kind of music suck.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, he's probably gonna do gangsta rap next, probably like [does a bad imitation of Michael Bolton] "Droppin' plates on yo ass, bee-otch!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. Then he'd put the smackdown.
----
- Beavis: How come chicks like this dude so much?
- Butt-head: There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants.
- Beavis: Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, "Yeah, I have a bi-em in my pants".
- Butt-head: Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.
----
Mike Watt, Piss Bottle Man
- Butt-head: Uhh...who is this?
- Beavis: His name is...I've seen this before...his name is Mike Watt. And later on, he pours a bottle of urine out the window. So don't change it yet.
- Butt-head: Uhh, oh. Cool. [sees Watt urinating in a bottle] Is he peeing?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, he did! That's the name of this song. It's called "Piss Bottle Man".
- Butt-head: That's pretty cool, I guess.
----
- Beavis: Later on, this guy gets abducted by aliens. Hey Butt-head, do you believe in aliens?
- Butt-head: I believe in illegal aliens.
- Beavis: I believe in Mexicans.
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. You're supposed to call them "Hispandex".
----
- Beavis: You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he would change his last name to Hunt?
- Butt-head: Uh...why would that be funny?
- Beavis: ...I don't know, actually.
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
----
Milla, Gentlemen Who Fell
- Beavis: This chick looks familiar.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. She was in that movie.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that movie...it was the second one. The second one of that first one where that dude was choking his chicken on that rock.
----
- [A very brief image of most of Milla's bare butt appears]
- Beavis: OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?!
- Butt-head: I sure did. And it was cool.
- Beavis: I've never seen anything like that on TV. She was rubbing her butt!
- Butt-head: This kicks ass!
- Beavis: AAH, OH MY GOD! SHE'S STARK RAVING NAKED!
- Butt-head: Yeah! You could see everything!
- Beavis: Oh boy, this is exciting! This is action-packed!
- Butt-head: I like this song.
----
- Butt-head: Whoa, it's Death!
- Beavis: If Death came over to my house, I'd just, like, kick him in the nads and run away.
- Butt-head: Death doesn't have nads, Beavis.
- Beavis: I bet his sack, like, shrivelled up like a little raisin.
- Butt-head: [shudders] Ugh, that's disgusting, Beavis!
----
- Butt-head: That spider's gonna do her.
- Beavis: No way, really?
----
- Butt-head: Uhh, she's naked again!
- Beavis: Ooh yeah! Whoa, you can see her rump!
- Butt-head: Her what?
- Beavis: Her rump!
- Butt-head: You mean her butt, Beavis?
- Beavis: No, no, her rump. That's the part off to the side.
- Butt-head: It's called a butt, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just get tired of saying "butt" sometimes.
----
Missing Persons, Words
- Dale Bozzio: Do you hear me?
- Beavis: [Mocking] Do you hear me?
- Dale Bozzio: Do you care?
- Butt-head: Do I care? No!
- Beavis: Yeah, I don't care! Hell, I just don't care about anything!
----
Moist, Push
- [The lead singer is tapping the side of his head]
- Butt-head: He's thinking.
- Beavis: Oh, I see. It's like, you tap yourself on the side of the head to think. I see. I haven't tried that.
- Lead Singer: (singing in a low voice) A little bit more than I could...ever want, A little bit more than you could...ever say.
- Butt-head: This guy pronounces words weird.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. [mocking the singer] A little bit more than you could ever say. [normal voice] Heh,heh,heh. [mocking the singer again] Fade away, fade away. [normal voice] What kind of an accent is that?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think that's the way they talk in like, Wussylvania.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. And I was like thinking he was from California.
----
- [during the guitar solo]
- Beavis: What's that dude's problem?
- Butt-head: Uhh, it's like, he's a little too into the music.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. It's kind of embarrassing.
- Butt-head: Yeah. The other dudes in the band are probably going "Uh, god, I wish he wouldn't do that".
- Beavis:
----
- [the lead singer is grabbing another member by the jaw]
- Butt-head: Whoa, what's he doing?
- Beavis: He's like, "come on, come on, open it up, come on, gimme my damn candy bar back, I wasn't done yet, I was saving that for after the video, spit it out!"
- Butt-head: That was stupid, Beavis.
- Beavis: I thought it was kinda funny. You know, like, you know...
- Butt-head: Beavis, stop trying to be funny.
----
Mojo Nixon, Elvis is Everywhere
- Beavis: Uh oh. I think it's one of those TV preachers.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, you'd better not send him all our money again.
- Beavis: Sometimes I can't help myself. It's like, I start going "I know that's right. Hallelujah." And then I'm on the phone, and I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, here's all my money!"
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, you send him all your money and you're still just a dumbass with a lot of problems.
- Beavis: Hey, you're right. [angry] Dammit! I got ripped off!
----
- Mojo Nixon: Elvis is in your jeans!
- Butt-head: Elvis is in our jeans?
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out...Elvis has left my jeans!
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, if you pull your pants down one more time I'm gonna beat the crap outta you!
- Beavis: [impersonating Elvis] Thank you very much.
----
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, while you were fiddling with your wiener, I think he said that Elvis is like, in Joan Rivers.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? That'd be cool. [impersonating Joan Rivers] Can we talk? I've got Elvis inside me!
- Butt-head: Beavis, that doesn't sound anything like her.
- Beavis: Oh. [impersonating Elvis] Thank you very much.
----
- Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head, go-karts!
- Butt-head: Go-karts rule.
- Beavis: When I'm old, instead of a car, I'm gonna have a go-kart! [imitates an engine] Brrrrrffffftttt!!!
----
Monster Magnet, Negasonic Teenage Warhead
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I know I talk about turds a lot, but boy, these things really look like turds.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I talk a lot about turds too, Beavis. Don't worry about it.
- Beavis: Oh, okay. Poop!
----
- Butt-head: Uranus is cool.
- Beavis: Oh, thanks! My anus is pretty cool.
- Butt-head: [Gets ticked off and slaps Beavis on the chin] Damn it, Beavis, shut up! I was talking about the planet!
----
- Beavis: Whoa! Check it out! A flying Poop-tart! They oughta make that, like poop-tarts, like when they pop out of the toaster, they go POOP!
----
- [seeing some guys in a car drive under a giant woman]
- Butt-head: Uhh, stop the car dude!
- Beavis: I just thought of something. You know what would be funny is if while they were driving under that girl like that, y'know, since they have a convertible, it would have been funny if she pooped on them.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay Beavis, that's enough about poop.
- Beavis: Okay. I'll just talk about wee-wee. Tinkle tinkle tinkle!
----
Morbid Angel, God of Emptiness
- Butt-head: Hey, look, it's another one of those heavy metal videos with a naked dude all curled up on the floor.
----
[the lead singer roars]
- Butt-head: Whoa. Was that a bear?
- Beavis: Um, heh. [Beavis imitates the singer] BLEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Yeah, I think so.
----
- Butt-head: Hey, check it out, it's that dude from Andy of Mayberry.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. You mean Barney? [imitates Don Knotts] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to Mount Pilot and worship Satan.
- Butt-head: That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. Goober spelled backwards is "booger".
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?
- Butt-head: Uh, lets see. Uhhh...I dunno.
----
- Butt-head: This is where it starts to get really stupid. [imitates the singer] Bow to me, faithfully...
- Beavis: Bow to me...uh...
- Butt-head: Bow to me faithfully.
- Beavis: Bow to me faithfully...
- Beavis & Butt-head: [in unison] Bow to me faithfully.
- Butt-head: Bow to me splendidly...
- Beavis: Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?
----
Morphine, Honey White
- [a beehive is shown onscreen]
- Beavis: Yeah! [imitates bees humming] Nyayayayayayaya!! Bees are cool. Nyaaayyayayayaya!!
----
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out! It's Jon Stewart.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's horny.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.
- Beavis: Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick.
- Beavis: Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That would rule!
----
- Beavis: Dammit. I wish they'd show those bees again. Bees kick ass. [imitates bees humming] Nyayayayaya!! Bees rule!
----
- Mark Sandman: I like to see a little more fat.
- Beavis: Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes.
- Beavis: Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt...it rules!
----
- [a woman in the video is spinning around]
- Butt-head: Cool. Look what she's doing.
- Beavis: I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.
- Butt-head: You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?
- Beavis: No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.
- Butt-head: You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.
----
Morrissey, November Spawned a Monster
- [Beavis sees Morrissey dressed in an unbuttoned fishnet shirt and then spits his soda all over Butt-head]
- Butt-head: Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit all over me.
- Beavis: You're lucky I didn't barf all over you.
----
- Butt-head: He's trying to hump a rock.
- Beavis: Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!
----
- Butt-head: Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.
- Beavis: Really? Why?
- Butt-head: Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--
- Beavis: OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.
- Beavis: OW! OW! Stop it!
----
- Butt-head: This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, really!
- Butt-head: Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!
- Beavis: Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!
- Butt-head: You tell him, Beavis!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!
----
The Murmurs, You Suck
- Beavis: Is this a diaper commercial?
- Butt-head: Uh...no, this is a douche commercial.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That's funny, douche. [Cackles] What is a douche, anyway? Like, how does it work?
- Butt-head: Uh...I don't know. I think chicks get it when they have that like, not so fresh feeling.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I think it helps them go horseback riding, and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.
- Beavis: Yeah. That would rule. Sometimes you know, I feel like, not so fresh...you know.
- Butt-head: Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while...and I'm not talking about washing your whole butt, I'm talking about washing your butthole.
----
- The Murmurs: And for that, you suck...
- Beavis: Um...they just said you suck.
- Butt-head: No they didn't, they said you suck. They ripped off my idea for a song.
- Beavis: Yeah, and you already ripped off the idea from me, bunghole.
- Butt-head: Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?
- Beavis: ...that I shouldn't?
- Butt-head: That's right, now sit there and shut up, nutsack.
----
- Beavis: Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!
- Butt-head: I think that's just a koala bear.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.
- Butt-head: Uh...okay then.
----
Napalm Death, Plague Rages
- Butt-head: Uhh, something's wrong. It's like, it doesn't look like this guy would have this kind of voice.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, it doesn't look like that kind of voice would come out of that guy, you know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It looks like it might come out of his butt.
- Beavis: Actually, I was thinking like, it looks like this kind of voice, like, would come out of Godzilla, or maybe it'd come out of Godzilla's butt.
- Butt-head: If it did come out of Godzilla's butt, that would be a good video.
----
[a decomposed horse is seen in the video]
- Beavis: Whoa look, check it out Butt-head, it's a dead horse!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Remember that time we found that dead horse?
- Beavis: Oh yeah. We like ran and jumped on his stomach, and then like, all that gunk shot out of his butt.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That was cool.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That was sad. Imagine if Godzilla was dead, imagine all the stuff that would fly out of his butt.
----
Nina Hagen, Herman Was His Name
- Beavis: Who is this?
- Butt-head: Uh...is this that Toyota Jackson chick?
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like...it's Toyota Jackson dressed up like Wonder Woman.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. [reacting to video] ...Oh no.
- Beavis: Yeah. No! NO!
----
Nine Inch Nails, March of the Pigs
- Butt-head: Those drums sound cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. [Imitates drum sound]
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I wonder what that drummer's listening to.
- Beavis: He's probably listening to Pantera.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Okay dude, get started. Put down your arms and start singing!
----
- [ Trent Reznor starts singing]
- Beavis: Yes! Yes!
- Butt-head: Rock! [Beavis and Butt-head do their signature headbanging]
----
- Butt-head: Where do these guys get these shiny pants?
- Beavis: Yeah, really. I went into a store once and asked for some shiny pants, and they kicked my ass out of there.
- Butt-head: Uh...I think you like just take regular pants and you like, have them shined.
- Beavis: Oh really? But I do shine my pants.
- Butt-head: You said douche.
- Beavis: Really? Oh yeah. I douche-ine my pants.
----
- Butt-head: [During the bridge of the song] This part of the song sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: These guys need to just concentrate on rocking.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Rock! Rock!
- Butt-head: [Bridge of song ends] Yeah. That's more like it.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! There you go.
- Butt-head: This guy keeps on like, stumbling around and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, I don't think he's having a very good day.
- Butt-head: I think he's just drunk off his ass.
- Beavis: [Reznor presses against keyboard] Hey, get your hand off his keyboard, butthole!
- Butt-head: Yeah. These guys need to practice more.
- Beavis: Yeah. They weren't very well prepared for this video.
----
- Butt-head: [Farts towards the quiet end of song]
- Beavis: Thank you very much, we're Nine Inch Nails.
- Butt-head: Good night!
----
Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit
- Butt-Head: [Upon seeing the old janitor featured in the music video] Beavis's dad!
Nirvana, Heart-Shaped Box
- Butt-head: Yes! Nirvana rules.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, this is cool! But, um, you know, this is cool and everything, but's it's like uh, this video's been giving me nightmares, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Cool. I wish I had nightmares about this video.
- Beavis: I know Butt-head, these are pretty scary. I'ts like, I had this dream, that I'm like, Santa Claus, and I'm, like, on a cross, and there's these crows, like, picking at me. AAAHHH!!
- Butt-head: Cool! I wish I had nightmares about this video!
----
- Butt-head: Check it out. It's like he pulls his hair out of his eyes, but then it just falls back in his eyes.
- Beavis: So what? You got a problem with that?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out. That room is cool. I think that's Kurt Cobain's bedroom. I'm gonna get my room set up like that with all, like, lit-up stars and stuff, and then, like, it's gonna be cool.
- Butt-head: No you're not. You're never gonna get your room fixed up like that, and you're never gonna score.
- Beavis: Shut up!
- Butt-head: You're just gonna sit around for the rest of your life, spanking your monkey.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I am too gonna fix my room up! Butthole!
----
Nitzer Ebb, Fun to Be Had
- Butt-head: Hi. I'm your tour guide. Welcome to Wuss Gardens.
- Beavis: It was here that George Washington first chopped off his wiener. And then he lied.
----
- Nitzer Ebb: An anchor!
- Butt-head: [mocking their accents] Like an ankaa.
- Beavis: Like an ankaa!
- Butt-head: An ankaa.
- Beavis: It's pronounced anchor! Anchor! Can you say that? Err! Err! Dumbass. Ank-err!
----
- Nitzer Ebb: What you say should be from your own mind...
- Butt-head: What you say should be from your own mind? That's stupid.
- Beavis: Yeah really, because like, sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind, you know, and...wait a minute, Butt-head, I'm getting something. Mm-hm? Yeah? Butt-head, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. [exits, jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish]
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis! Come here! This sucks!
- Beavis: Hang on a second, I'll be right out! [jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish]
----
Pantera, I'm Broken
- Both: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Beavis: Turn it up, Butt-head, turn it up! Come on!
- Butt-head: Okay Beavis. Don't cop that attitude with me. [turns the volume down]
- Beavis: No, no, that's the wrong way, Butt-head, come on!
- Butt-head: Oh. [turns the volume up as loud as it can go] Here we go.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, kick some ass!
- Butt-head: Rock, rock, rock!
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah!
----
- [they've turned the TV up as loud as it can go]
- Beavis: [trying to yell above the noise] HEY BUTT-HEAD, THIS IS COOL, HUH?!
- Butt-head: UHH, WHAT DID YOU SAY, BEAVIS?
- Beavis: I SAID THIS IS COOL, HUH, IT ROCKS!!
- Butt-head: UHH, WHAT?
- Beavis: YEAH, YEAH!!
----
- Beavis: THIS GUY'S A GOOD DANCER, HUH, BUTT-HEAD??
- Butt-head: YEAH! HE'S PRETTY COOL!!
- Beavis: IT'S LIKE, HE'S A GOOD DANCER, AND HE SINGS PRETTY COOL, AND HE, LIKE ROCKS!!
- Butt-head: SHUT UP, BEAVIS!! I'M TRYING TO LISTEN!!
- Beavis: OH YEAH, ME TOO, I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TOO!!
----
- Beavis: HEY BUTT-HEAD, WILL THE TV GO UP ANY LOUDER??
- Butt-head: LET ME SEE!! [presses the volume button on the remote to find it is at maximum level] UHH, I THINK THAT'S AS LOUD AS IT GOES!!
- Beavis: DAMN IT!! WE NEED TO GET A LOUDER TV!!
- Butt-head: LET'S GET CLOSER TO THE TV!!
- Beavis: YEAH, OKAY!! NOW IT'S HURTING MY EYES AND MY EARS!!
- Butt-head: YEAH!! THIS IS COOL!!
----
Pantera, Mouth For War
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: Pantera kicks everybody's ass.
----
- Phil Anselmo: WRONG!!!
- Butt-head: [imitates Anselmo's singing style] HUH HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!
- Beavis: Keep singing, Butt-head, that was pretty good. Go on, do it again.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay. [imitates Anselmo's singing style] I BEEN WRONG FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!
- Beavis: Yeah yeah! Right on, man. Rock!
----
- Butt-head: This singer looks pretty mean.
- Beavis: Do you think he gets all the chicks?
- Butt-head: Probably not. I bet he, like, scares chicks.
- Beavis: The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks.
----
Pantera, This Love
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I don't think so. This guy's dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. He was like, "Dammit Pantera, this beer is warm! Get me another one!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. He was like, "You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera! Or you'll be sleeping in the street!"
- Beavis: He's like, "Dammit Pantera, I told you to get out there and mow that lawn! Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera? Oh, is daddy's little girl upset? I'm gonna kick your ass into next Tuesday, now get outta here! And quit acting like a damn little girl!"
----
Paula Abdul, Crazy Cool
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out! It's Paula Abdula!
- Butt-head: Yeah. This is like, every outfit she's ever had in a video.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
----
- Beavis: I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
- Butt-head: Why?
- Beavis: 'Cause I have to take a leak.
- Butt-head: Uh... you mean the bathroom, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um... oh yeah, didn't really matter. [Beavis gets up and leaves]
- Butt-head: You should stick around, Beavis, because later on, you could see her... epidermis.
- Beavis: Um... OK, maybe I'll stick around for a couple of minutes.
----
- Beavis: Um... I thought you said we were gonna see her epnaspermis.
- Butt-head: Uh... no. But your epidermis is showing.
- Beavis: Um... what? No way! Are you talking about my nutsack?
- Butt-head: You don't know what it is! And everyone can see it.
- Beavis: Shut up! Your epraspermis is showing! And your nads are too, bunghole!
----
- Beavis: I've had enough of this crap. I'm gonna go to the kitchen. [leaves again]
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, get back in here! I just saw something cool! Whoa, Beavis, get back in her! Her pants are hiked up her butt!
- Beavis: Where? Where?!
- Butt-head: Dumbass!
----
Pavement, Rattled by the Rush
- Butt-head: Oh no, it's another one of these. [Beavis groans] They need to try harder.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, they're not even trying! Come on, come on! I want you to start over again, and this time, try! Come on, let's go, pick it up, come on, come on, here we go! Come on, one, two, three, four, yeah, come on! Come on, rock!
----
- Butt-head: This is just horrible.
- Beavis: If you're gonna be horrible, at least, like, you know, kick ass! You know, like Jesus Lizard! I mean, they suck, but they kick ass!
----
- Butt-head: I think these guys are just lazy.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. They're too lazy to rock, and they're too lazy to clean the tub.
- Butt-head: These guys are so lazy, they probably take a dump in the tub.
- Beavis: Heh, I do that sometimes. Poop!
- Butt-head: You poop in the tub?
- Beavis: Yeah. And then sometimes, I just pee all over the whole bathroom. Pee pee pee pee pee!
- Butt-head: You're disgusting, Beavis!
- Beavis: Heheh, yeah.
----
Phish, Down With Disease
- Butt-head: Whoa! They're, like, diving into the fishtank! That's cool!
- Beavis: Diving into the what?
- Butt-head: The fishtank, Beavis!
- Beavis: Oh. I thought those things were, like, just really fancy clear toilets. I usually take a leak in those things.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.
- Beavis: Well, there's fish in there, right? They go to the bathroom in there, right?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: So it's a toilet. See?
- Butt-head: Yeah. They drink their own wee-wee.
- Beavis: Fish are stupid.
- Butt-head: They're like "Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump and then swim around in it."
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out. Do you like sea food?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. [Beavis opens his mouth wide] Beavis, that joke only works if you have food in your mouth. Dumbass.
- Beavis: Well, use your imagination, dillhole.
----
Pink Floyd, High Hopes
- Butt-head: Oh no, is this Yanni? [pause] Uhh...oh, this is Pink Floyd.
- Beavis: Are they from England?
- Butt-head: Yep. Just another gang of wussies from England.
----
- Beavis: You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay.
- Beavis: Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [sings] "The grass was greener..." and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - "Wha-ha!" - and then I would score.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.
- Beavis: Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just...just shut up, you always mess up my...my dreams! Butthole!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.
----
- Beavis: You know, if you didn't know anything about these guys, and just heard the name "Pink Floyd", and then you heard this crap, you know, you'd probably think that it was just like, total wuss music.
- Butt-head: Uhh, it is wuss music, Beavis.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, look! Big bingo balls!
----
Pizzicato Five, Twiggy, Twiggy
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out. [sings in a fake Mexican accent] Let us put the man and woman together and find out which one is smarter...that was cool
----
- Beavis: What language is this?
- Butt-head: Uh...I think it's like...French.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Or Mexican, or something.
- Beavis: I can sing in French; check this out. [Beavis sings in a fake Japanese accent; the only coherent words are "taco supremo]
- Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis! You sound just like those dudes.
----
- Beavis: Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head! That's that guy from My Three Sons! That's Ernie from My Three Sons! See? Back in the doorway? That's him!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! That is him. Check this out. [Imitates Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. Seems like a lot of work to me.
- Beavis: [Also imitating Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. I think I'll go put on a stupid dork outfit and go dance like a wuss for a while.
- Butt-head: [Continuously imitating Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. I think me and Chip are gonna dance around like a bunch of dorks.
- Beavis: And then, like, Uncle Charley's like [Imitates Uncle Charley] Dammit Ernie, I’m trying to make a cake here! Will you get out of the kitchen and quit acting like a dork?!
- Butt-head: [laughs] Yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah. My three son-of-a-bitches.
----
PJ Harvey, 50-Foot Queenie
- Butt-head: Beavis, the name of this song is ‘50 Foot Queenie.'
- Beavis: Yeah, I'd like a 50 foot queenie.
- Butt-head: I'd like a 50 foot weenie.
----
PJ Harvey, Down by the Water
- Butt-head: This chick's got kinda, like, a big mouth.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. And her nose is kinda big too.
- Butt-head: And you know what they say about having a big nose.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. She's probably got a big schlong too.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
- Beavis: You can't really do that, Butt-head. So don't even try.
- Butt-head: I'm pretty good at smacking you upside the head, though.
----
Poison, I Want Action
- Butt-head: This is so horrible, I can't even begin to talk about how much this sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. Look at these buttknockers!
----
- Butt-head: Remember back when they used to play videos by these guys all the time?
- Beavis: Yeah, that really sucked.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's a good thing they're gone.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
----
- Beavis: Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.
----
- Butt-head: I bet these guys like practice their little wussy dance movies.
- Beavis: Yeah. Guitars up! Two, three, four and kick!
----
- Beavis: It's like, [high-pitched voice] Bobby, I smeared my lipstick when I kissed my finger. Can I borrow some of yours?
- Butt-head: You're a little too good at that, Beavis.
----
[the names of the band members are flashed onscreen]
- Butt-head: Bobby. C.C., and Brettt.
- Beavis: Don't forget Rikki.
----
Poison, Unskinny Bop
- Butt-head: Uhh...y'know I don't say this too often, but uh, this sucks.
- Beavis: Ummm, you say that all the time, actually.
- Butt-head: Uhhh...oh yeah.
----
- Beavis: And to think that this dude used to buff Pamela Anderson.
- Butt-head: Like that would ever happen.
- Beavis: I think it did happen. But anyway, she's on this thing with, um, this guy, his name is...Anthony Roberts, he has these tapes, and these things, and he makes you feel good. She watched him, and now she has huge hooters and she's on TV. It's pretty cool, I was thinking of getting some of those tapes.
- Butt-head: Yeah, you'd look good with big hooters, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up. That's not what I meant.
----
- Beavis: You know who else Pamela Anderson buffed, is, uh, Scott Baio.
- Butt-head: Uhh, really?
----
- Butt-head: You know, this Poison dude kinda looks like Pamela Anderson.
- Beavis: Yeah, you know, I was thinking, y'know, if he got some hooters, maybe he could be on Baywatch. You know, since his career sucks now, he probably doesn't have a job.
----
Primal Scream, Rocks
- Bobby Gillespie: Whores keep whoring, junkies keep scoring...
- Beavis: Um...wha'd he say?
- Butt-head: Uh...I think he said something about whores, and like, junk.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Whores and garbage, that's pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah, you can't beat that.
- Beavis: Yeah I can!
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis. [slaps Beavis, who screams] Don't start with me today.
- Beavis: I wasn't. I was starting with me.
----
- Bobby Gillespie: Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey...
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head what's he saying? Get your rock salt? What's rock salt?
- Butt-head: Uh...you know, like, doing it.
- Beavis: Oh, really? It seems like uh...like most songs are about doing it.
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah. You got a problem with that, Beavis?
- Beavis: Uh, no...
- Butt-head: That's the way it should be.
- Beavis: Uh...oh yeah.
----
- Butt-head: This like, uh... kinda rocks.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, like you know... rock salt.
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head, I just saw a girl's butt!
- Butt-head: There's a lot of chick's butts in here, Beavis.
- Beavis: No, I mean she was naked!
- Butt-head: You're not allowed to show a naked butt on TV!
- Beavis: Well, it looked like she was naked. And it was pretty cool.
----
Primus, DMV
- Beavis: Is this the Benny Hill Show?
- Butt-head: No, there aren't any chicks in bikinis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Hey, this is Primus! [sings] My name is M-M-M-M-M-Mud!
- Butt-head: Maybe this guy will spit again.
----
- Les Claypool: If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee...
- Butt-head: Whoa, did you hear that? I think he just said "If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee".
- Beavis: Really? Hey Butt-head, let's go get some druthers.
----
- Beavis: You know what this video needs, it needs like, a toilet
- Butt-head: Why would they put a toilet in here, Beavis? It doesn't have anything to do with toilets. It's about...uhh...I don't know.
- Beavis: I don't care.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out Butt-head, Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots. Kick 'em in the nads!
- Butt-head: Robots don't have nads, dumb ass!
- Beavis: Mine do. I glued 'em on. I put nads on all my action figures. I use, like, beadies and raisins and stuff.
- Butt-head: That's disgusting, Beavis!
----
Primus, My Name is Mud
- Butt-head: That looks like that dude from Deliverance.
- Beavis: Remember that part with that pig?
- Butt-head: That wasn't a pig, Beavis. That was Ned Beatty.
- Beavis: I watched that movie seven times.
- Butt-head: Me too. Squeal like a pig, boy!
- Beavis: Yeah!
----
Prince, The Most Beautiful Girl in the World
[Prince is wearing tight pants and his penis can be seen bulging]- Butt-head: Whoa! Check out his unit!
- Beavis: Whoa, this chick is flat!
- Butt-head: Beavis, you see that unit?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: That means it's not a chick.
- Beavis: Oh, oh yeah. I wasn't looking.
----
- Beavis: I wonder what the most beautiful chick in the world looks like.
- Butt-head: Uh, well, she has to be naked.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And she'd have to have boobs.
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. It'd also be cool if she had a butt, too.
- Beavis: Yeah! That would rule! And also like, if her butt was naked!
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. Well, you know, when I said she'd have to be naked, I meant, you know, down there.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
----
- Butt-head: You know Beavis, I was looking at your mom naked once.
- Beavis: Really? How come you were naked?
- Butt-head: No, Beavis! Your mom was naked.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: You know how Prince is searching for the most beautiful chick in the world?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Well, he doesn't need to go anywhere near your house.
- Beavis: Shut up, butthole! I'm sick of you badmouthing my mom!
- Butt-head: [chuckles] Mouthing?
- Beavis: [laughs] Oh yeah, mouthing! Bad mouthing!
----
Public Image Ltd., The Body
- Butt-head: That guy has a disease.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's got wussy-itis.
- Butt-head: First it causes your hair to turn red, then your butt falls off.
----
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis. Have you ever had an operation?
- Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. I had my tonsils removed.
- Butt-head: Woah. That means you were neutered, dude.
- Beavis: No way. Really?
- Butt-head: Dude, that's what they do when they remove your testicles.
- Beavis: Heh...cool.
----
R.E.M., Shiny Happy People
- Butt-head: (Scoffs) Happiness.
- Beavis: Um...you said penis. I just thought I'd tell you that.
- Butt-head: I know! Why do you think they call it happiness?
- Beavis: Oh yeah! Because when you're weiner's happy, you're happy.
----
- Beavis: You know, I wasn't feeling very good when this song started...um, I feel pretty good now! Feeling pretty happy; shiny.
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! You're a miserable piece of crap.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'm happier than you.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis! You're miserable because nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything...
- Beavis: Yeah, but um, I'm hung like a horse!
----
Radiohead, Fake Plastic Trees
- Butt-head: Hey, that looks like that dude...uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?
- Butt-head: Uhh...yeah, what is his name?
- Beavis: Dammit...he's always going, "I must say,"
- Butt-head: And then he's always saying he's gonna be on Wheel of Fortune, and he's, like, all into Pat Sajak. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?
- Beavis: No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.
- Butt-head: Uhh, sure. [slaps Beavis several times]
- Beavis: AHH! OWW!! Um...Ed Grimley!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.
- Beavis: You hit me?
- Butt-head: Yeah. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAHHHH!!!
- Beavis: Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!
----
Railroad Jerk, Rollerkoaster
- Beavis: Woah. Is she Chinese?
- Butt-head: I think that's that Connie Shlong chick that called the president's mom a bitch on TV.
----
- Lead singer: But sex!
- Butt-head: Butt sex?
----
- Beavis: How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think that's your mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
- Beavis: Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them.
- Butt-head: I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
- Beavis: You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Isn't she already easy enough?
- Beavis: Enough!
----
- Beavis: Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.
- Butt-head: [humoring him] Okay, Beavis.
- Beavis: You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
- Beavis: Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.
- Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.
----
- Butt-head: Uh, that looks kinda like Conan O'Brien.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic shlong.
- Butt-head: Uh, no. You're thinking of me, Beavis.
- Beavis: No. I was thinking of me, actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
----
The Rake's Progress, I'll Talk My Way Out Of This One
- Beavis: [seeing a man milking a cow] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!
- Butt-head: No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.
- Beavis: Um...you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??
- Butt-head: No, you squeeze its boobs!
- Beavis: Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it.
----
- Butt-head: I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.
- Beavis: Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [Beavis lets his jaw hang open] This feels kinda good.
- Butt-head: Maybe I'll try it. [Butt-head lets his jaw hang open] This is pretty cool.
----
- Butt-head: You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own cud.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.
- Beavis: Well, um, was I there?
- Butt-head: Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.
----
Rancid, Nihilism
- Butt-head: It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--
- Beavis: Aah, shut up Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?
- Beavis: I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Shut up!
- Butt-head: Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh...my hand hitting your face again.
- Beavis: Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.
- Butt-head: Beavis, don't you ever tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.
- Beavis: [kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [walks away]
- Butt-head: [In pain] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!
----
Rednex, Cotton Eyed Joe
- Butt-head: Uhh...what is this?
- Beavis: Oh, I know. This is that song "Cotton-Eyed Joe", we used to sing this in kindergarten.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I remember that. Kindergarten was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. Kindergarten ruled. They'd give us, like, fingerpaints, and you'd just, like, mess everything up and then you'd, like, drink a bunch of Kool-Aid and then go, like, lie down on your little towel. That rules
- Butt-head: That was back when school was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. And then sometimes, I'd go running around with my pants down, and I wouldn't get in trouble.
----
- Butt-head: Remember that time in kindergarden, when we were playng store and you called the teacher a whore? And then you tried to give her some of that play money?
- Beavis: Heh, yeah. I think that was the first time I ever got some.
- Butt-head: You didn't get any, dumbass. She just spanked you and told you to shut up.
----
Rick Dees, Get Naked
- Butt-head: Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.
- Beavis: If I was in them, I'd paint a butt on my stomach. And then my bellybutton would be the butthole.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and it would be faster and, like, more realistic. Dumbass.
- Beavis: No, no. I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see...
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're going to have about four buttholes if you don't shut up.
- Beavis: It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head! Dumbass!
----
Rollins Band, Liar
- Henry Rollins: So you think you're gonna live your life alone...
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Henry Rollins: ...in darkness and seclusion.
- Beavis: Darkness rules!
- Henry Rollins: ...and then you meet me.
- Beavis: Yeah, I'd like to meet you. That'd be cool.
- Butt-head: He's talking to a chick, Beavis.
----
- [Henry Rollins is wearing a Superman outfit with the letter "R" on his chest]
- Butt-head: Hey, isn't that the wrong letter on his chest?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, isn't it supposed to be like a five on there, or something?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Maybe because like he's a liar, he put the wrong letter on there?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. He's a liar. Liar!
- Butt-head: Lying rules.
----
Sagat, Why Is It? (Funk Dat)
- Sagat: Question...
- Butt-head: Queshtun.
- Beavis: Queshtun.
- Butt-head: That's pretty good, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, thanks.
----
- Sagat: Question!
- Beavis: [parroting Sagat] Queshtun!
- Sagat: Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...
- Beavis: Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...
- Sagat: I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months...
- Butt-head: Question. Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener fifteen times a day for three months?
- Beavis: Shut up!
- Butt-head: Funk dat!
- Beavis: Question! Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it? Funk dat!
----
- Butt-head: They should get this guy on that 16 Minutes show instead of that old Mickey Rooney dude they got. He sucks.
- Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. [imitates Andy Rooney] You know what I don't understand? Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes? Funk dat!
- Butt-head: You sound just like that buttmunch.
- Beavis: Check this out, too. [imitates Andy Rooney again] How come they call it taking a dump and not leaving a dump? I mean after all, you're not really taking it anywhere. Funk dat!
----
Sam Harris, Over the Rainbow
- Butt-head: He's smiling at you.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
----
- Beavis: Oh god.
- Butt-head: Look at his face.
- Beavis: Look at that crack in his chin.
- Butt-head: I think it's a buttcrack.
- Beavis: Well I guess that would make sense, since like, there's just a bunch of diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like when God was passing out buttcracks, this guy got in line twice.
- Beavis: Yeah. And then God gave him one too, you know, the second time.
----
[Sam Harris starts belting]
- Beavis: [drinks soda, does a spit take] AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO STOP IT! STOP IT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! PLEASE SHUT UP! CHANGE THE CHANNEL BUTT-HEAD, RIGHT NOW!!! COME ON!!!
- Butt-head: No way. [turns the volume up to full on the television]
- Beavis: COME ON, NO, CUT IT OUT, BUTT-HEAD!!! GIMME THAT!!! STOP IT BUTT-HEAD! STOP!
- Butt-head: This is cool.
- Beavis: NO! YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KICK YOUR BUTTCRACK FACE IN!!!
- Butt-head: You dumbass.
- Beavis: [screams unintelligibly]
- Butt-head: That sucked, Beavis.
----
Sausage, Riddles Are Abound Tonight
- Butt-head: What the hell is this?
- Beavis: Um, I think this is Primus.
- Butt-head: No, this is the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: These guys, like, crawl up into people's butts, and, like, go exploring.
- Beavis: We should see these guys in concert.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
- Beavis: The Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids have left your pants.
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what are those lights for?
- Butt-head: That's so they can see when they're crawling around inside your butt.
- Beavis: No way, you mean it's dark in your butt?
- Butt-head: Yeah. You know when they say "Stick it where the sun don't shine"? They're talking about your butt.
- Beavis: Oh. I thought it meant, like, under your pillow, or something. But if it's dark inside your butt, how do the turds find their way out?
- Butt-head: I think they can see in the dark, like bats.
- Beavis: Oh. That makes a lot of sense.
----
Scorpions, Rock You Like a Hurricane
- Beavis: Is this Michael Jackson?
- Butt-head: I think this is where he sleeps.
- Beavis: Nah, he told Oprah he doesn't sleep in the hyperbolic chamber. He has a skin disease.
- Butt-head: You watch Oprah?! [laughs] What a wuss.
- Beavis: Shut up, butthole! I just watched it that once because I thought they'd show his hair on fire.
----
Seven Year Bitch, Hip Like That
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, I've seen this before! This chick beats herself in the head later. It's cool.
- Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah! This is gonna be cool.
----
- Beavis: You know what this band is called? It's called 7 Year BITCH!
- Butt-head: It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.
- Beavis: Also, it helps when [suave voice] they're sexy! Yeah! Ooh, that's a fine lady! These are some fine ladies!
----
- Beavis: Uh...okay, here it comes. [Lead singer hits her open hands against her head] YEAH, COME ON, HIT YOURSELF! YEAH!
- Butt-head: She kinda looks like she got a little special feeling from doing that.
----
- Selene Vigil: We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...
- Butt-head: Uh...I think this song is supposed to be about how we're all stupid and stuff.
- Beavis: What do you mean? Like WE'RE stupid, or like everybody's stupid?
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, I don't know! I'm not some rocket...some rocketship or something.
----
Shaggy, Boombastic
- Shaggy: Mr. Boombastic!
- Beavis: Yeah! [imitating Shaggy] Yeah, Bombastic! Here it is!
- Butt-head: [putting on a foreign accent in imitation] Mr. Romantic, Mr. Bombastic.
- Beavis: [babbles faux-Shaggy gibberish, the only comprehensible words are "romantic" and "bombastic"]
----
- Beavis: Bombastic! Yeah. [imitating Shaggy] BOMB-BAS-TIC! De bombastic.
----
- Beavis: What does "bombastic" mean, anyway?
- Butt-head: Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying "Uhh, this is bombastic".
- Beavis: Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going "Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, check dat ass!", you know, something like that.
- Butt-head: Well, if I ever score I'm gonna be going [impersonating Shaggy] "This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic."
- Beavis: Smooth.
----
- Beavis: What is this accent he's talking in?
- Butt-head: Dumbass, it's foreign!
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
----
[Beavis humps the couch whilst Butt-head looks at him in shock]
- Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, cut that out!
- Beavis: [imitating Shaggy] Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic...
----
Sheena Easton, Sugar Walls
- Beavis: Who is this chick?
- Butt-head: Uh...I don't know. She looks like some chick you'd see hanging out in K-Mart.
- Beavis: Um...I think I've seen this chick before.
- Butt-head: Yeah. She did Prince.
- Beavis: Oh, really? Well, at least that's something.
----
- Butt-head: You know, they don't have to keep showing her face just because she's singing.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Like, move down and show her butt or something.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
----
- Butt-head: Look at this stupid stuff she keeps doing with her face.
- Beavis: Yeah. This chick is pretty dumb.
- Butt-head: Yeah, and she's probably a slut too.
----
- Beavis: Why do you think this chick like, dresses up like a slut?
- Butt-head: Prince makes sure that all his women look like sluts.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. That's one thing I like about him.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He has a vision.
- Beavis: Yeah, me too. Someday, all of the girls in the world will come all onto me.
----
Shonen Knife, Tomato Head
- Butt-head: Uh...oh no.
- Beavis: This isn't very good, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Thank you, Beavis, like I couldn't have figured that out myself.
- Beavis: Yeah, anytime.
- Butt-head: Boy, this really isn't very good.
- Beavis: Yeah, I know Butt-head. Tell me something I don't know.
- Butt-head: Uh...OK. Know the last time you went to the bathroom?
- Beavis: Yeah?
- Butt-head: I hocked a lugie in your Coke, and you drank it.
- Beavis: Um...uh...
- Butt-head: It was cool.
- Beavis: I knew that! I spit it out.
- Butt-head: No you didn't, you drank it.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time.
- Butt-head: Yeah, I remember that, but I didn't eat it.
- Beavis: Yeah, but it was cool! You ate the cracker.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I took the turd off and finished the cracker.
----
- Butt-head: By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Tell me something I don't--uh, I mean, this sucks!
----
Shudder to Think, Hit Liquor
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's Don Henley! I didn't know he was a wuss!
- Butt-head: You didn't? Where have you been, Beavis? He's a total wuss!
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Any time you see a dude on TV and he's like, trying to save some forest or something, it means he's a total wussy.
- Beavis: Really? Let me see...Sting, yeah, he's a wuss.
- Butt-head: Mm-hm.
- Beavis: Let's see, uh, who else...Ted Danson, yeah, he's a wussy.
- Butt-head: And don't forget Jackson Browne.
----
- Beavis: AAH! Look at that, he's, like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs! This is scary. What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?
- Butt-head: So what, Beavis? You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.
- Beavis: Yeah, I guess so. I guess if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.
- Butt-head: I'd kiss a dead chick right here.
- Beavis: So would I. But that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis. You were probably serious.
- Beavis: Well, no. Not really.
----
Sick of It All, Step Down
- Butt-head: This dude should get a better apartment.
- Beavis: It's like, at least we may not be millionares, but at least we have decent places to live.
- Butt-head: No we don't.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.
- Butt-head: No we're not.
- Beavis: Well, at least we have lots of friends.
- Butt-head: Not really.
- Beavis: Are we healthy?
- Butt-head: No.
- Beavis: Our lives suck!
- Butt-head: Yeah. We're cool.
----
- Beavis: These dances are pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads "The Dillhole"]
- Beavis: That's cool. Remember this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads "The Bunghole"]
- Butt-head: Or how about this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butthead jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads "The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist"]
- Beavis: Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to to the Gorilla.
- Butt-head: Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.
----
Silverchair, Tomorrow
- Beavis: [sings] More than a feeling...
- Butt-head: I woke up this morning, the sun was gone...
- Beavis: CLOSED MY EYES AND IT SLIPPED AWAY!!!
- Butt-head: That song's stupid.
----
- Beavis: Hey, get a haircut, hippie!
- Butt-head: This isn't the sixties, dillhole!
- Beavis: My uncle didn't go to Vietnam just so you could walk around with long, hippy-boy hair with your shirt off, heh, damnit.
- Butt-head: Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail.
- Beavis: I know, I know, that's what I said. My Uncle didn't go to Vietnam so you could have long hair, see? That's what I meant.
- Butt-head: You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.
- Beavis: I am not. Shut up, Butt-head.
----
- Butt-head: I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out, but I'm un-freaked. In fact, this video is making me feel totally normal.
- Beavis: Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see, really.
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's like, you know, if you turned on the TV and this was on, I'd go, like, "Yep. That's what I thought I was gonna see."
----
Six Finger Satellite, Parlour Games
- Beavis: Ah boy. I think this video has a message.
- Butt-head: Yeah. The message is leave. Don't watch it.
----
- Beavis: This video is, um, it's like it's causing me to influence my behaviour. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go into the kitchen and break something. [leaves the room] It's all this damn video's fault! [sounds of banging metal can be heard]
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: [more intense crashes and bangs can be heard] Eh! Ugh! Son of a bitch!
- Butt-head: Go for it, Beavis!
- Beavis: This is cool!
- Butt-head: The video still sucks!
- Beavis: [more crashes and bangs can be heard] This is cool, Butt-head! [the crashing and banging becomes really intense] Ugh! Son of a bitch! AAAHH!!
- Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis? Beavis? Settle down.
- Beavis: [going really crazy with the crashing and banging] YAAAHHH!!! YOU MUST DIE!!!
- Butt-head: Uhh, don't break the popcorn, Beavis.
- Beavis: AAAAAHHHYYAAAAAHHH!!! [breaks something] OW!! OW!
- Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis?
- Beavis: Dammit! I cut my leg! [re-enters] I cut myself. Where are the band-aids?
- Butt-head: Uhh, they're in the bathroom.
- Beavis: [leaves] Aah, I'm bleeding! Ow!
- Butt-head: This is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, but I'm bleeding. And it's all this video's fault. [crashes can be heard]
----
Skatman John, Skatman
- Beavis: What is this?
- Butt-head: It's the Scatman.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. They should have a name for this kind of music.
- Butt-head: There already is a name for this music, Beavis. It's called crap.
- Beavis: They oughta have, you know, a crap section in the record store.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It should be out in the dumpster.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't wanna mess it up with this crap.
----
- Beavis: This is like that music they play in those clothes stores in the mall, where they have a bunch of TV screens.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. And it's all loud, and then the salespeople come up and say "Hi, would you like a tie today?"
- Beavis: Those places are stupid.
----
- Beavis: You know, it kinda sounded like he said "Poop".
- Butt-head: Well, this is the Scatman, and scat is another word for poop.
- Beavis: How'd you know that?
- Butt-head: I learned it when I did my report on feces.
----
The Shamen, Ebeneezer Goode
- Butt-head: These guys are from that country where everything sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, and they all talk like wussies. [imitating the voice at the start of the video] Naughty, very naughty.
- Butt-head: People from that country are stupid. [mock-British accent] I do say, old chap, I need to choke my chicken.
- Beavis: Yeah. Bloody well right.
----
Skee-Lo, I Wish
- Beavis: Ah, boy. Look at that, he's trying to be Forrest Gump.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Life is like a little box of chocolates. That would be cool to like, try to pick up a chick by giving her a box of chocolates, because then, like if you strike out, you can at least eat the chocolate.
- Beavis: That’s not a bad idea. I think I’m gonna go get me some M&M's and spank my monkey.
----
- Butt-head: Uhh, you know what they say about short dudes, they got like, really big, uh...you know.
- Beavis: Yeah, but you know, I tried telling a chick that once, and she said "I don’t care how big your turds are."
- Butt-head: [laughs] You dumbass.
- Beavis: No, I’m serious, Butt-head. You know, I was going "I got really long turds. You wanna see 'em?"
- Butt-head: Beavis, you were telling a chick you have long turds?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! And it didn’t work. I said, you know, "They call me Mr. Poop a lot."
- Butt-head: Beavis, you’re making me sick, shut up! I was talking about wieners!
- Beavis: But um...oh. Oh, I see!
----
Slaughter, Real Love
- Butt-head: How did this ever happen? This is like...just a bunch of bungholes.
- Beavis: Yeah, because...[sees Shannen Doherty] WHOA! That's that Brenda bitch from Beverly Hills [Becomes hyperactive and says several numbers, until Butt-head slaps him]...210.
- Butt-head: Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say Beverly Hills and forget about the numbers, okay?
- Beavis: Oh. Okay.
----
- Butt-head: So, like...why the hell is she hanging out with these wussies?
- Beavis: Yeah, I thought that like, if you're a bitch...that you'd be like into something like more hardcore.
- Butt-head: Uh...I think sometimes, if you're a bitch, you listen to crap like this.
- Beavis: Yeah, like, maybe she doesn't even like it, but she just like, plays this stuff just to piss people off...because she's a bitch!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Bitches are cool.
- Beavis: Bitches rule!
----
Slayer, Serenity In Murder
- Beavis: Haven't we seen this video before?
- Butt-head: Uh...I don't know. It's hard to tell.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen a video like this before, where like, the music was all fast and loud, and the guys were like, you know, banging their heads like this.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I remember that one. It was cool.
----
- Butt-head: This music is like, nice and peaceful music.
- Beavis: Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.
----
- Butt-head: Whoa, check it out! He's like, some kind of scientific dude.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that's cool. If I was a scientific, I'd like, do an experiment, you know, where it's like, I'd get a chick in and say "OK chick, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to get naked, and then, I'm um, gonna experiment with your boobs."
- Butt-head: Yeah. That would rule!
----
- Beavis: See, look! I think this dude's like, trying to catch this chick, and then, like, do experiments on her.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's like that movie we saw, where that dude had that chick in his basement, and he was gonna like, cut her skin off and stuff.
- Beavis: See, that was a good movie. It's like, some of those movies, where it's like, "No way!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. Like, remember that movie, The Right Stuff?
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: That was stupid. That's never gonna happen.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. That was dumb. Or like that movie, Alive?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, that was a good idea, but that would never happen.
- Beavis: Yeah, like a plane would really crash like that.
----
Smashing Pumpkins, Today
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, that guy's about to score! Stop the truck!
- Butt-head: Yeah, pull over, buttmunch!
----
- Billy Corgan: Today is the greatest day I've ever known...
- Butt-head: He thinks it's the greatest day because he, like, stole an ice-cream truck.
- Beavis: That's cool. If I stole one of those, I'd like go out to the desert and then I'd just like start eating all the Rocket Pops, and the Chocolate Chippety Crunches, and...and the Dreamsicles, and the Nutty-Buddies...
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Beavis: And the Froggies.
----
- Butt-head: These guys are called the Smashing Pumpkins.
- Beavis: Oh yeah? I don't see 'em smashing anything.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And I don't see any pumpkins.
- Beavis: Like, this part of the song, right here, this is pretty cool. This is where they should, like, smash stuff. See? See, right there. Right there, they could be smashing stuff, see? Instead of like, you know, doing that other stuff.
----
- Butt-head: These guys should like, get together with the Spin Doctors, and like, paint stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, and throw paint around. Seems like every time a bunch of guys get together and throw paint around, there's always some chicks there.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I wonder why.
----
Snoop Dogg, Gin and Juice
- Beavis: Woah, check it out. I can't believe she's talking to Snoop that way.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If that wasn't his mom, he'd be putting the smackdown.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
----
- Beavis: Doggy-dog is in the motherf-ing houuuse.
----
- Beavis: Woah, check it out. He's got a phone on the toilet!
- Butt-head: We got to get one of those.
- Beavis: Woah, he just touched her boobs!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's a Doggy-Dog World!
----
- Beavis: [to the music] May, I, kick a little something for the G's, yey-ah. [speaking] Ain't nothing but a G thing. I'm a G, I'm a straight G.
- Butt-head: Yeah, you're a G for gonad.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. You might get smoked if you keep that up. Watch yo back, homie.
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did you know I'm from Compton?
- Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, I'm serious. I was kicking it on the street. It was hard times. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're a white wussy from right here.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Yeah, me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you used to go to the flea market with your mom.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, see, I wear this shirt because these are my colors.
- Butt-head: Beavis...
- Beavis: Yep, I'm a straight G.
- Butt-head: ...shut up.
- Beavis: Goin to the Compton swap meet with Snoop. Sometimes I used to kick it with Dre.
- Butt-head: Beavis, shut up. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money and you're never gonna score.
- Beavis: [mumbling] Um, heh, oh yeah.
----
Sonic Youth, Bull in the Heather
- Kim Gordon: 10, 20, 30, 40...
- Beavis: How come she's counting? Counting sucks!
- Butt-head: Uh, maybe she's counting how many times she's done it.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Counting rules.
----
- Beavis: Is this Romper Room?
- Butt-head: Uh, I wouldn't know, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, me neither, I don't know. I don't know whether this is Romper Room or not.
----
- [commenting on Kathleen Hanna's appearance in the video]
- Butt-head: Who's that five-year-old girl who keeps bouncing around?
- Beavis: Yeah, really. She sure can't dance. Like, what's the snif-gig-ligance of that girl being there?
- Butt-head: The what?
- Beavis: You know, the sih...um, I forgot.
----
- [Kathleen Hanna rubs her butt against Thurston Moore's crotch]
- Beavis: HEY!! GET AWAY FROM HIS WIENER!! GET AWAY!!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis. What are you, like, the wiener police or something?
- Beavis: Well, how would you like it if some chick tried to touch your wiener? [Butt-head does a double take and laughs] Um, wait a minute.
- Butt-head: What???
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Shut up!
- Butt-head: You dumbass!
- Beavis: You just weren't listening. I said, like, you know, like, how would you like it if some girl was touching your wiener? That'd be pretty cool. That's what I meant, dumbass!
- Butt-head: Yeah, right.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I just wasn't concentrating, that's all.
----
Sonic Youth, Dirty Boots
- [a ticket collector is standing under a sign that says "2.00"]
- Butt-head: Only two dollars to see Sonic Youth?
- Beavis: That's a good deal.
----
- Butt-head: [addressing a woman in the video] Hey, how's it goin'? What high school do you go to?
- Beavis: I go to the same high school you go to, what are you talking about, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: I was talking to the chick, Beavis! Dumbass!
- Beavis: Well, you should have said "Hey, baby" then. Like this, hey baby! How's it going?
----
- [the central male and female in the video are divided by a mosh pit]
- Butt-head: Go for it, dude, she wants you!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it! She wants you, c'mon! Slam into her! Slam into her, c'mon! Go for it! C'mon, grab her!
- Butt-head: Yeah, yeah, go for it!
- Beavis: Grab her!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: C'mon! Go for it!
- Butt-head: See, now that dude knows how to do it.
- Beavis:
----
- Thurston Moore: And tell the story of the jelly rollin'...
- Butt-head: Tell the story of the choad?
- Beavis: This is the story of a lonely little choad. He never scored. And that's the end.
- Butt-head: I think that's like, uh, your story, Beavis.
- Beavis: It's your story too, butthole!
----
- Butt-head: You sit too close to me, Beavis. Could you like, move a little further down the couch?
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! You move! I'm all comfortable.
----
[the protagonists of the video have gotten onstage and are kissing]
- Butt-head: If this was a real concert, some roadie'd be up there in like two seconds, kicking their asses off the stage.
- Beavis: Yeah, he'd just like, throw 'em out into the crowd.
- Butt-head: That dude would probably break a bunch of bones and stuff, but at least he got some.
----
Soundgarden, Black Hole Sun
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what is a black hole?
- Butt-head: It's sorta like a bunghole. But it's like...
- Beavis: [interrupting] Whoa, Butt-head check it out! That's the chick from Whale, remember? That hobo slumping hobo slut, uhh...remember?
- Butt-head: Shut up Beavis, I was explaining something!
- Beavis: Oh, sorry.
- Butt-head: So, a black hole is this giant bunghole in outer space. It sucks up the whole universe, then it grinds it up and sends it all to Hell.
- Beavis: Really? That’s cool. How do you know all this stuff?
- Butt-head: From watching Star Trek, bunghole.
----
Soundgarden, Spoonman
- Beavis: This is a ripoff. It's like, when I see a Soundgarden video, I wanna see Soundgarden, not just, like, pictures of Soundgarden.
- Butt-head: Uhh, the video is just a bunch of pictures, Beavis.
- Beavis: What do you mean, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Everything on TV is just, like, a bunch of pictures of something.
- Beavis: No it's not! It's like, sometimes they move.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's still, like, moving pictures.
- Beavis: No it's not, they're moving around! I mean, they're not moving around, but in other videos they're moving around.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're gonna see a moving picture of my foot kicking your ass in about two seconds. Now just shut up and sit still.
----
- Chris Cornell (Ben Shepherd): All my friends are Indians (all my friends are brown and red)...
- Beavis: All his friends are brown and red? What's that supposed to mean?
- Butt-head: Uhh, it means they're, like, turds. He's telling his friends that they suck.
----
- Butt-head: No sir, I don't have any spare change. Get those damn spoons out of my face.
- Beavis: Get those spoons out of my face before I shove 'em up your butt! Get outta here!
----
Stacey Q, Two of Hearts
- Butt-head: Uh...I think this is like one of those cable access shows where you like call them up and they do like anything you want.
- Beavis: No way! Really? Let's call her up!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Let's tell her to like shut up and like take all of her clothes off and get over here right now.
- Beavis: Yeah! She could fix us something to eat.
----
- Butt-head: You can tell that this is the kind of chick who's like, had her tubes tied.
- Beavis: Like, um...how come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?
- Butt-head: Just look at her, Beavis!
- Beavis: I think I'm gonna go tie my tubes.
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
----
The Stone Roses, Love Spreads
[a man jumps up and down]- Beavis: Whoa, he's not even on a pogo stick. I'll be damned.
----
- Butt-head: [addressing a man dressed in a devil costume] Uhh...hey Satan, how's it going?
- Beavis: How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a costume?
- Butt-head: Yeah. The real Satan doesn't do videos.
- Beavis: Unless it's like for Danzig or something.
----
- Butt-head: If they really had Satan on this song, it's like, you'd hear him talking backwards and stuff, because he can do that.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. You know, I can talk backwards.
- Butt-head: No you can't!
- Beavis: Yes sir! Check this out. [backwards speech] Stnerap ruoy yebo. Loohcs ni yats.
- Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Do it again, Beavis!
- Beavis: Um, okay. Check this out. Okay, here goes. [backwards speech] Hguone si hguone. [normal speech] See? [backwards speech] Gniog ti s'woh yeh.
- Butt-head: That was cool! So, like, what did you say just then?
- Beavis: I said "Hey, how's it going?" You should try it.
- Butt-head: Uhh, let me see. Uhh...Beavis is a wuss. Ah, I mean, uhh...wuss a is Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, see? Anybody can do it. [backwards speech] Stnerap ruoy yebo dna loohcs ni yats.
----
- Butt-head: How do you do that, Beavis?
- Beavis: You just talk backwards.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but like, how?
- Beavis: Like this. Um...I am...no wait, that wasn't right...this is...uh, no...damn it, I forgot! I can't do it anymore!
- Butt-head: You can't do it anymore.
----
Stone Temple Pilots, Plush
- Beavis: Is this Pearl Jam?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Eddie Vedder dyed his hair red.
- Beavis: Wait a minute, this isn't Pearl Jam!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's good to see you thinking, Beavis.
----
- Butt-head: That guy makes faces like Eddie Vedder.
- Beavis: No way! Eddie Vedder makes faces like this guy.
- Butt-head: They both make faces like that John Belushi dude.
- Beavis: Yeah. And he's dead.
- Butt-head: I heard these guys came first, and then Pearl Jam ripped them off.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! Pearl Jam came first!
- Butt-head: Uh, well, they both suck.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, Pearl Jam doesn't suck, they're from Seattle.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
----
[a rottweiler is seen in the video]
- Beavis: That bear is cool.
- Butt-head: It takes a lot more than bears to make a video cool, Beavis.
- Beavis: What if the bear was, like, taking a dump?
- Butt-head: Well, that might work.
----
- Butt-head: I wanna dye my hair orange.
- Beavis: Yeah. You'd look good, Butt-head. You should do it.
----
Stone Temple Pilots, Vasoline
- Beavis: AAH, I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT SOME DUDE'S BUTT! Come on Butt-head, change it.
- Butt-head: Come on, Beavis! This song kinda rocks! Besides, later, they show a dog's nads.
- Beavis: Oh. I'll stick around for that.
----
- Beavis: Dammit, I'm sick of seeing water in videos.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but this water's cool because it's like, over by the power plant.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Remember when we went swimming by the power plant, it's like, all warm and stuff? That was cool.
- Butt-head: No it wasn't! Your turds were all orange for a month, and you got those big blisters on your nads.
- Beavis: I know! That's what I'm saying. It was cool.
----
- Scott Weiland: Flies in the vasoline...
- Beavis: Flies in the Vaseline? That's cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Remember when we put the fly in the gasoline? It was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, but um, he didn't say gasoline, Butt-head, he said Vaseline. I think that's like something different.
- Butt-head: I know that, dumbass! Dammit Beavis, you always ruin everything.
- Beavis: No I don't! I was just saying he was talking about Vase--look, it's a dog's nads! Is that what you were talking about?
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah, I think that was it.
- Beavis: That was cool.
----
Stranglers, Skin Deep
- Butt-head: Why do people make videos?
- Beavis: And why do they have to play this music? Why? Why?
- Butt-head: It's like, some dude gets a guitar, and he sucks, then he gets together with other guys who suck.
- Beavis: Yeah. It really sucks. I'm gonna go outside.
- Butt-head: Really? How come?
- Beavis: My butt's asleep.
- Butt-head: Really? Cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, I'll be back later. [exits]
- Butt-head: Okay Beavis. Whoa. Hey Beavis...[turns around]...Uhhhh...oh yeah. [sings along] Better watch out for the skin deep. [yells] Hey Beavis, what are you doing? Uhhh....this sucks. [exits] Hey Beavis, wait up!
----
Stray Cats, Rock This Town
- (man who looks like Weird Al Yankovic appears in video)
- Beavis: (excited) Whoa, Butthead, check it out! It's Weird Al!
- Butthead: Yeah, Weird Al is cool!
- (Weird Al lookalike is swing-dancing with an attractive lady)
- Beavis: Cool! He's gonna get some!
- Butthead: Of course he's gonna get some, dumbass, he's Weird Al !
Sugar Ray, Mean Machine
- Butt-head: This sounds like "Wipeout".
- Beavis: [half-laughing] I think this is..."Butt-Wipeout". [laughs. Butt-head pretends to laugh]
----
- Butt-head: Check it out, they do this really cool dance coming up here.
- Beavis: Oh, really? Cool. Is that it?
- Butt-head: No, that's just hockey.
----
- Butt-head: I think they're singing about a car.
- Beavis: See, that's pretty cool. If I had a really cool car, I'd sing about it too. Like [begins "singing"] My car is really fast!/It kicks a lotta ass!/um...It runs on gas!/I drive it on the grass!/um...
----
- [Sugar Ray do a cheesy synchronized dance in the video]
- Butt-head: Uh, there it is, see? Isn't that cool?
- Beavis: What's cool about it?
- Butt-head: It's like, they're all doing it together. That's cool.
- Beavis: You think it's cool when dudes dance together, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uhhhh...damn it Beavis, just shut up!
- Beavis: Hey, Butthead...Would you like to dance?
[Butt-head smacks Beavis]
----
Sugartooth, Sold My Fortune
- Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. It starts out pretty cool, then it starts rocking more and more. [Hums along with bass line] See?
- Butt-head: I get the point, Beavis, now will you shut up so I can hear it?
----
- Beavis: [singing along] Sold my fo-chun...Hey Butt-head, what's a fo-chun?
- Butt-head: I think it's one of those beds that folds into a couch.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, it's one of those things. So like, how come he sold it?
- Butt-head: 'Cause he probably got like a big bed so he didn't need it anymore.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Maybe he got tired of people crashing at his house and sleeping on it. So it's like, he sold it, and it's like, he wrote a cool song about it. Sold my fo-chun!
- Butt-head: Yeah. And then he had a bunch of fights happen in the video.
----
- Two people are fighting in the video
- Beavis: Yeah come on! You think you're bad, you wanna do something about it? Let's go!
- Butt-head: I don't there's anybody on TV you can kick ass on, except for maybe like Urkel.
- Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head. Urkel's pretty big now. He's like 6'7" or something.
Superchunk, Package Thief
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, is there a chick in this band?
- Butt-head: Uhh, well I think that bass player has boobs.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's what I mean.
- Butt-head: Well there's boobs, but I can't tell if it's a chick.
- Beavis: Seems like all these bands now have chick bass players
- Butt-head: Uhh...wait a minute, that's not a chick. That's a puppet. These are all puppets.
- Beavis: Um...uh, yeah. Hey Butt-head, I have a puppet. Check this out. [high-pitched voice] Hello everybody! We're gonna have fun today!
- Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, pull your pants up!
----
Supergrass, Caught by the Fuzz
- Butt-head: Whoa! That looks like that dude from Planet of the Apes.
- Beavis: That movie kicked ass! Remember when they put those naked guys in a cage?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Those guys were wussies.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really. I wouldn’t take that, if they did that to me, I’d be kickin’ monkey ass all over the place.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Monkeys.
----
- Beavis: You know, these guys sound pretty cool, you know, for having a monkey, you know, on guitar. I was thinking, maybe they should get a gorilla to play drums. ‘Cause, you know, you go to the zoo, and they’re always playing with themselves, so maybe they could play some drums, I dunno.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but Beavis, you play with yourself, and you can’t play drums.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head, I reckon I can play the drums. I could like, go, you know…parum, parum.
----
- Beavis: Then, I was thinking, also, you know, if you had a monkey on drums, just one more thing about that…if you had a monkey on drums, you know, you could spank him, that’s all I wanted to say. [Butt-head laughs]
----
T'Pau, Heart and Soul
- Butt-head: Call now for live one-on-one conversations.
- Beavis: Yeah. Share your intimate thoughts!
- Butt-head: A dollar ninety-five per minute.
- Beavis: Must be 18 or older.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis. If we had a dollar ninety-five , we could call and share our intimate thoughts.
- Beavis: Yeah. We could tell her that she sucks.
----
- Butt-head: This chick's name is T'Pau.
- Beavis: Yeah. That's Spanish for "This sucks."
----
Ted Nugent, Heads Will Roll
[a guillotine falls and blood spatters all over the screen]- Butt-head: Ew! That was disgusting!
- Beavis: Yeah really. That shouldn't show that kind of stuff on TV! Kids might be watching.
----
- Beavis: Hey, it's that dude from Damn Yankees!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Once I saw on MTV News that this dude likes to take, like, a bow and arrow and go like, shoot animals with it.
- Beavis: No way, really? Doesn't he get in trouble?
- Butt-head: No, I think it's okay. I think he can do that because he's like one of those, uh...Republicans.
- Beavis: Really? I wanna become a Republican! That would rule!
- Butt-head: But then like, I think once you become a Republican, it's like, you don't score anymore.
- Beavis: Oh well. Then I'll just keep being a Mexican.
----
- Butt-head: They should chop other people's heads off in videos. That would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, like in that Neil Diamond video. That's where they should be doing this!
----
[Ted Nugent's head is disembodied and is still alive]
- Butt-head: He's trying to look all scary.
- Beavis: He's probably gonna go to jail someday.
- Butt-head: Well, that was pretty good, I guess.
- Beavis: At least it was gruesome.
----
that dog, Old Timer
[the band are shown as workers in a hot dog stand]- Butt-head: I think this is that place where you get like, lemonade.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: And they have a bunch of horn dogs working there.
- Beavis: They have horn dogs?
- Butt-head: Yeah. You know, that's where they like, dip their wiener in the fryer.
- Beavis: It's like, every time I go to that damn place, like, I want to get a milkshake, they say "I'm sorry, the shake machine's broken", and I say [angry] "Dammit, it's always broken!"
----
[one member proceeds to deep fry two battered hot dogs]
- Beavis: Hey, check this out, Butt-head. Fryer, fryer, FRYER!!!
- Butt-head: Beavis...
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Fryer!
----
- Beavis: Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.
- Beavis: Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.
- Butt-head: We could put the hairnets on our nads.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.
- Butt-head: You put a hairnet on your nads?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.
----
- Beavis: [sings along] Hey old miner, how come you're drinking red wine at Shakey's...
- Butt-head: This is stupid.
----
Tesla, Call It What You Want
- Butt-head: That dude looks like Heidi Fleiss.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: She's skanky.
- Beavis: Yeah, and she's ugly.
- Butt-head: She's what you call fugly.
- Beavis: She's a fugly, skanky whore.
- Butt-head: That wasn't very nice, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Sorry about that.
----
- Butt-head: This dude's chest is about as hairless and puny as yours.
- Beavis: Shut up, fartcracker! I could kick this dude's ass.
- Butt-head: You mean fartknocker, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: And, for the last time, you can't kick anybody's ass.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah I can! I'm getting bigger. Like...I've been drinking milk and stuff.
- Butt-head: Yeah right.
- Beavis: No really, Butt-head. I had some last week.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but then you spit it out.
- Beavis: Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, you know, get some vitamins and stuff out of it.
----
The The, I Saw the Light
- [Video shows sky-angle footage of New York City]
- Beavis: Um, this looks like the opening to that show, that late night...
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, "Top 10 tall places to take a crap off of."
- Beavis: That's kinda disgusting.
----
[ Matt Johnson walks among the edge of a tall building]- Beavis: Whoa! You think he's really up there on that building like that?
- Butt-head: Uh...no. People don't do that anymore. It's like, they have computers and they just like, fake it.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Nobody has any balls anymore.
- Beavis: Whoa, you think he's gonna jump?
- Butt-head: Uh...no, and I don't care either.
----
- Butt-head: You know what would be really cool? Is like, if he took a leak from up there.
- Beavis: Yeah! He should take two dumps, one leak, cut the cheese, and then he should jump. That would rule! Yeah!
----
- Beavis: Butt-head, this reminds me of that movie I saw, that...Crocodile Dumbdee, and um...I was just gonna say, um, he's from...down under. You know, down under?
- Butt-head: Okay Beavis, I get it. Down under.
----
- Butt-head: You know, this is kind of like that movie with The Beatles in it, where they're playing on the roof.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I saw that on the Discovery Channel. The Beatles suck!
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. How come everybody likes them so much?
- Beavis: I don't know.
- Butt-head: Maybe it's because they were handsome. You should try to get in The Beatles. I heard they had an opening.
- Beavis: "Opening." [Cackles]
----
Tiffany, I Think We're Alone Now
- Beavis: This is mall music.
- Butt-head: Yeah. She has to play in a mall because she sucks.
----
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson?
- Beavis: Debbie Gibson would kick her butt. She'd kick her!
- Butt-head: She should join a gang, like Wilson Phillips.
- Beavis: Yeah. Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and The Bangles?
- Butt-head: Uh...you're the expert, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: One chick from L7 alone could kick all of their asses combined.
----
Toadies, Possum Kingdom
- Beavis: [singing along] Make up your mind…
- Butt-head: I already made up my mind; this sucks.
- Beavis: Well, now, come on, give it a chance.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, is that a body?
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah I think so.
- Beavis: You think they killed somebody just to make this video?
- Butt-head: They should have killed the people who made it.
- Beavis: I wonder what that would be like, you know, to die.
- Butt-head: Uhh, well, you’re gonna find out someday.
- Beavis: [imitating Cornholio] Are you threatening me? I will never die.
- Butt-head: No, I’m serious, Beavis. It’s like, you know, you start to get all old and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, really? What else?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think you start, like, losing control of your wee-wee.
- Beavis: Uhh, what else?
- Butt-head: Uhh, then you, like, start pooping a lot, and you, like, lose the grip of your butt.
- Beavis: AHHH, I’M GONNA DIE!!!
- Butt-head: Yeah. You’re old.
- Beavis: So, um, Butt-head, what would do, like, if I died?
- Butt-head: I’d probably, like, move over to the middle of the couch. It’s more comfortable.
----
Tom Petty, It's Good to Be King
- Butt-head: Hey, that's that kid from that Losing My Religion video.
- Beavis: Yeah, but I thought he got shot with an arrow or something.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Dumbass.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
----
- Tom Petty: It's good to get high...
- Butt-head: It's good to get high?
- Beavis: What kind of message is that sending?
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did you see that guy, he had like, mirrors all over himself?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: That'd be cool if you had mirrors all over your clothes like that, and then like, you could use them to see your own taint. That would be cool.
- Butt-head: I don't wanna see my taint. That's stupid.
- Beavis: See, I'm always thinking.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Velvet Jones!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. He's cool. [imitates Eddie Murphy] Hi! I'm Velvet Jones.
- Beavis: Yeah , yeah. [also impersonating Eddie Murphy] Hah! Ah'm Vevvet Jones! Dis is mah book, "How to Be a Ho"! [normal voice] Yeah, it's about time someone put him in a video!
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous?
- Butt-head: Because he's on TV, dumbass.
- Beavis: Yeah, but how did he get on TV?
- Butt-head: Because he's famous.
- Beavis: Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous?
- Butt-head: He got famous because he's on TV.
- Beavis: YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV?!
- Butt-head: Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!
----
Tori Amos, Crucify
- Tori Amos: I wanna spit in their faces...
- Butt-head: She's gonna spit on someone?
- Beavis: Yeah! Go for it!
- Butt-head: That would be pretty cool.
----
- Tori Amos: I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth...
- Butt-head: Is that Dave Mustaine?
- Beavis: Yeah. [imitating Dave Mustaine] I'VE GOT A BOWLING BALL IN MY STOMACH, I GOT A DESERT IN MY MOUTH!
- Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis.
----
- Butt-head: How many videos are they gonna make with chicks in a bathtub?
- Beavis: At least if they showed them naked it would be cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. How come they never have chicks in showers?
- Beavis: Like in soap commercials. Did you ever see that soap commercial where that chick gets stabbed? [Beavis imitates stabbing movements and Bernard Hermann's score] REE! REE! REE! REE! REE!
- Butt-head: No, buttmuch. That's that movie about those guys in the woods.
- Beavis: They're not in the woods. They're in the shower. [imitates stabbing movements again] REE! REE! REE! REE!
----
- Butt-head: Is this like, a commercial for VH1?
- Beavis: Yeah. The difference between you and your parents.
- Butt-head: That's stupid.
----
Tricky, Black Steel
- Butt-head: Uhh...uhh...hey, it's that dude.
- Beavis: What dude?
- Butt-head: You know, that pilot dude. That one who was like, in a plane and he got shot down over Bogna-Hersnaslovignia. And he's like, a hero and stuff cause he killed all his enemies, and then he lived off bugs for a whole year.
- Beavis: He lived off BUGS???
- Butt-head: Yeah. That was all he could get to eat, because like, you know, it was somewhere over in Europe, and they don't have Burger World.
- Beavis: Wow, that's cool, you know, because I've gone for a few days like that, you know, but then I usually have some nachos and stuff in between meals, so it doesn't really count.
----
- Martina Topley-Bird: But a brother like me begun, to be another one...
- Butt-head: Uhh, she just called herself a brother.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.
- Beavis: Ohh. So I guess...oh yeah, she is black.
----
- Butt-head: I think the message of this video is like, that the army kicks ass.
- Beavis: Yeah. "Today's army trains you with the skills you need to get ahead in today's world!"
----
U2, Mysterious Ways
- Butt-head: Boner is pretty cool sometimes.
- Beavis: That's because he has a cool name.
- Butt-head: I bet when he was little, his mom used to say "Boner, come to dinner!"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! She'd say "Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!"
- Butt-head: Then in the morning, she'd turn to Boner's dad, and say "Is Boner up yet?"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. "Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!"
- Butt-head: And then, like, when his dad went to PTA meetings, the teachers would say "Your son sure does sing well" and he'd say "That's my Boner."
- Beavis: Yeah. BONER!!!
- Butt-head: That's a cool name. You know who has a really stupid name, though? The Edge.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! The Edge. What is that?
- Butt-head: That's stupid.
----
Vanilla Ice, I Love You
- Beavis: Look! Look!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Vanilla Ice.
- Beavis: You know, um, they’re always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody’s right. You know what I’m saying?
- Butt-head: Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?
- Beavis: Sometimes you have a way with words.
----
- Beavis: Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Why bother? All we seem to get on this TV is bad videos
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
----
- Butt-head: There’s like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he’s trying to rap a love song.
- Beavis: You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he’d be saying “We have no love for hoes.”
- Butt-head: Yeah. He’d be like, “I don’t love you hoes, I’m not the dope”
----
Vince Neil, Sister of Pain
- Beavis: Cool! Fire! Fire! FIRE!!!
- Butt-head: What's wrong with you, Beavis? This sucks. Just because you have fire in your video doesn't mean you're cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, but the fire itself is pretty cool.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis. Vince Neil's a wuss.
----
- Butt-head: Mötley Crüe fired this dude.
- Beavis: They fired him. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
- Butt-head: Tommy Lee should have shoved a drumstick up his butt.
- Beavis: Yeah. That would've been cool.
----
- Butt-head: Whoa! That chick's got metal pointy things on her boobs.
----
- Vince Neil: She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again...
- Beavis: She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again...?
- Butt-head: What does that mean? Who writes this crap?
- Beavis: Yeah. This sucks.
----
Violent Femmes, Breakin' Up
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!
- Beavis: Oh, OK.
----
- Gordon Gano: Dark voices are talking to me...
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
- Beavis: Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
- Butt-head: Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
- Beavis: He says [high-pitched Chinese accent] "Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey."
- Butt-head: And what does the white guy say?
- Beavis: The same thing. But he talks just like me.
----
- [The band is standing by wedding cakes and holding baseball bats]
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.
- Beavis: Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!
- Butt-head: You dumbass.
----
- Butt-head: I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say "Hey baby...get lost. You know, we can like...still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have ask you to leave."
- Beavis: Shut up! Here it comes! [Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat] YEAH!
- Butt-head: Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!
----
Violent Femmes, Nightmares
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I had a nightmare last night, where everything sucked. It was really scary.
- Butt-head: What are you talking about, Beavis? Everything DOES suck.
- Beavis: AH! NO!
----
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, you know what sucks?
- Beavis: AH! NO!
- Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, shut up. It really sucks when you do that.
- Beavis: AH! NO!
----
Ween, Freedom of '76
- Beavis: Whoa, hey, check it out. I think that's that bell that they, like, taught us about in history class, where they like, rang it, and then put a big crack in it.
- Butt-head: No, Beavis. You're thinking of Bible class, when they talked about how God created the butt.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. And then he created poop.
- Butt-head: That's in that Doo-doo-ronemy section.
- Beavis: The Bible kicks ass.
----
- Beavis: Hey, check it out. It's Dean and Gene Ween.
- Butt-head: Ween.
- Beavis: Ween kicks ass.
- Butt-head: Yeah. This is kinda groovy.
- Beavis: [screeches] Freedom! Yeah, this is kinda groovy.
----
- Beavis: How does he do that? How does he sing all high and stuff?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think if you snip your nads off, it'll make you sing high like this.
- Beavis: Really? That's cool.
- Butt-head: You should try it, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um...no, I don't think so.
- Butt-head: Why not? Have you ever used your nads for anything?
- Beavis: Not really. No, I guess not.
- Butt-head: Don't your nads just, like, get in the way all the time and hurt when they get kicked and stuff?
- Beavis: Yeah, I guess so.
- Butt-head: Then why not just cut 'em off and see what happens?
- Beavis: Let me just wait a minute, because I might need 'em for doing it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, that's what your wiener's for, you don't need your nads for that.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Are you trying to trick me, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: No.
- Beavis: Well, do you use your nads for anything?
- Butt-head: No. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAAAAAUUUUHHHHHH!!! Damn it, Beavis.
- Beavis: See? That's what nads are for. Bunghole.
----
Ween, I Can't Put My Finger On It
- Butt-head: Uhhh....hey Beavis. Do something, like, I dunno, something funny, or something.
- Beavis: Okay. Um...let me see. Check this out. [blows a huge raspberry]
- Butt-head: Uhh, that was pretty cool, but you've done that before.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Then you do something! You think I'm just here to entertain you?
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.
- Beavis: You think I'm just here for your amusement? You wanna do something about it?
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
----
- Butt-head: These dudes need to quit screwing around and get back to making sandwiches.
- Beavis: But it is kind of a good song, like, if you kinda listen to it for a while, it is pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you bunghole! Quit talking about this video and do something funny again.
- Beavis: Okay, check this out. [blows a huge raspberry]
- Butt-head: That's not even funny, Beavis. You have to do it like this. [puts his finger between his lips and babbles] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Now see, that's cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, I see what you mean. Okay, check this out. [babbles] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
----
Ween, Push the Little Daises
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, this guy sounds like you.
- Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker!
----
- Butt-head: That dude's wearing a Yamaha.
----
- Gene Ween: If you think that I'm a loser...
- Beavis: He is a loser!
- Butt-head: This guy sucks!
----
- Gene Ween: Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up!
- Beavis: [mocking him] Push th' little pansies and make 'em come up! Push th' little pansies and make 'em come up!
- Butt-head: That was cool.
----
- Beavis: Check it out, it's Corky!
----
- Butt-head: [changing the channel] Push this!
Weezer, Buddy Holly
- Beavis: Um...this is like...um, some show, right?
- Butt-head: Uh...of course it is, buttmunch! It's on TV.
- Beavis: No but um...I don't think this is a video.
- Butt-head: They don't play many videos anymore. It's all like...shows, and people snowboarding and stuff.
----
- Beavis: I think this is...I think this is like, Happy Days.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Crappy days.
- Beavis: That was pretty funny, Butt-head. Instead of Happy Days, you called it Crappy Days.
----
- [Singing theme song to Laverne and Shirley]
- Beavis: One, two, three, four, a shmeagol! A schlong! A zapadun incorporated!
- Butt-head: We're gonna do it!
- Beavis: Give us any chance, we'll take it!/Give us any rule, we'll break it! We're gonna make it/we're not gonna break it/all we need is a little bit of patience!
----
- Butt-head: I liked this show better when that other dude owned the restaurant...that dude from The Karate Kid.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. [Fake Japanese accent] Daniel-san, if answer come from inside you, always right!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That dude could kick Fonzie's ass.
- Beavis: Yeah. Fonzie doesn't even know karate.
----
- Butt-head: These dudes were like...always calling each other nerds and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, I wonder why.
- Butt-head: Uh...I think that was back in the old days before they invented words like nads and buttmunch and dumbass.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Things are a lot better now.
- Butt-head: Yeah, buttmunch. You know what else they were always saying? "Sit on it."
- Beavis: Sit on what...? What? Oh yeah! This is a pretty cool show.
----
Wham!, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
- Butt-head: He's smiling at you, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
----
- Butt-head: This guy always likes to show off his butt.
- Beavis: Yeah. And his butt sucks.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah? How do you know?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'll kick your ass!
----
Whale, Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe
- Butt-head: Rock!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: [sings along] You hobo fumpin' humpin', [forgets the words] ah, ah...bitch!
- Butt-head: This kinda like, ah, rocks.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's not bad.
----
- Butt-head: Check out that dude in the dress. He's groovin'.
- Beavis: [the lead singer can be seen looking at the crotches of several shirtless men] Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she's inspecting their nads.
- Butt-head: Yeah. You call those nads, sir? Drop and give me twenty!
- Beavis: Yeah, back in line!
----
- [one of the band members waves towards the lead singer's butt]
- Butt-head: He's pretending to feel her butt.
- Beavis: She won't let him feel her butt because like, he failed the nad inspection.
----
[the lead singer, licking a lollipop, licks a shirtless man's armpit]
- Beavis: Whoa! She just licked that dude's armpit!
- Butt-head: Yeah. The guy with the best nads gets his armpit licked.
----
- Butt-head: I bet this chick would like, be into me and stuff because like, you know, she has braces.
- Beavis: She's probably got one of those overbites.
- Butt-head: Uh, I wish she'd give me an overbite.
----
- [the lead singer is thrown into the air, and her underwear can be seen underneath her skirt]
- Beavis: Whoa, look at that! I didn't know chicks in videos wore underpants!
- Butt-head: Beavis, if I ever catch you looking at my woman's drawers again, I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Beavis: She's not your woman, Butt-head! She's never even seen you.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, this chick loves me, and I love her.
----
Wilco, Box Full of Letters
- Beavis: Um...wow. Something's different about this.
- Butt-head: Uhh...yeah. It's like, it sounds different, and looks different than like, most other videos you see lately.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah. Kinda cool, yeah.
----
- Butt-head: I'm hungry, Beavis. Go make some pancakes.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, I wanna watch this.
- Butt-head: Uhh, you can watch it later. It's gonna be on about 50 times.
- Beavis: Really? Well, okay. I guess I can make some pancakes. [exits the room. all further lines are yelled from the kitchen] Okay, where's the syrup?!
- Butt-head: [calling out ] You gotta make the pancakes first, dumbass!
- Beavis: Um...where's the spatula?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think it's in my bedroom!
- Beavis: Oh, okay! [Beavis can be heard running]
- Butt-head: Look under the bed!
- Beavis: Oh, there's the pan, too! Cool! [walks back to the kitchen, passes by Butt-head] Hey, how's it going?
- Butt-head: Hey. Pretty good.
- Beavis: [hums] Dun dun da dun...[yells from the kitchen] How's this video?
- Butt-head: It's pretty cool, now shut up and get cooking!
- Beavis: How much mayonnaise do I put in?
- Butt-head: None!
- Beavis: One what? Okay, I'll just put one cup then. [long beat] Hey Butt-head, is there supposed to be smoke?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think so. [the smoke alarm goes off]
- Beavis: AAH! OW!!
----
Yanni, Reflections of Passion
- Butt-head: Life. What a beautiful choice.
- Beavis: Life. It sucks! All these kids have one thing in common - they're all here because a couple people did it.
----
- Beavis: Whoa, look at that, it's Geraldo!
- Butt-head: Oh no. This is Yanni.
- Beavis: Come on, change it, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: I can't believe they're even showing this.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: This guy is the biggest butthole I've ever seen in my life.
- Beavis: Yeah. Change it, Butt-head. Come on, gimme that!
- Butt-head: Uhh, wait a minute, I think it's about to rock. [turns the volume up as loud as it can go]
- Beavis: Come on, dammit Butt-head, cut it out!
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis. You like this.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't! Turn it down!
----
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, did you know that this guy is your dad?
- Beavis: AAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
- Butt-head: You're a dumbass, Beavis. You just, like, believe anything anybody tells you.
- Beavis: Um, no. I was just kidding.
----
- Beavis: Check it out. She's leaving him because he sucks.
----
Yes, Owner of a Lonely Heart
- Butt-head: Yep, that's him, officer.
- Beavis: Book him, Danno.
- Butt-head: Kick him, Danno.
- Beavis: And punch him! He deserves it. He sucks!
- Butt-head: We charge you with being in a sucky video for a crappy song.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Guilty as charged!
----
- Beavis: Whoa, where are they taking him?
- Butt-head: I think they're gonna go torture him somewhere, like, to get him to say something.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. You mean, like, "I'm a monkey's uncle"?
- Butt-head: No, dumbass! Like, y'know, where the money is, or something like that.
- Beavis: If I was that dude, I'd just, like, kick 'em in the nads, and then like smack their heads together, then just like tear ass!
- Butt-head: Beavis, if that was you, they'd just, like, touch you, and then you'd go "Aaaahhh!!! I'm a monkey's uncle and I put the money in my backyard!"
- Beavis: No sir! Buttmunch.
----
- Butt-head: They're making him fight the janitor.
- Beavis: Fight, yeah!
- Butt-head: If I was a janitor, I'd like, throw a bunch of sawdust with puke at him, and then I'd go "Now who's bad?"
----
[a man jumps off a tall building]
- Butt-head: Whoa.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, now this is gettin' good. [The man transforms into a bird] What? He turned into a bird!
- Butt-head: If I could turn into a bird, I'd turn into a cock.
- Beavis: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
----
Name of video missing
- Butt-head: Beavis, whenever you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, you know the cake is gonna get its ass kicked!
----
- Butt-head: This dude looks like one of those drunk businessmen at those croaky-okey bars.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Remember that time we were looking in the window, and we saw that big fat slob? He was going, "I'm crazy..."
- Butt-head: Then remember when that Chinese dude got up, and he sang, [mock-Chinese accent, sings] "You ain't nothing but hound dog, crying all the time"
- Beavis: Oh yeah. And then he sang, [mock-Chinese accent, sings] "Love me tender, love me true, never let me go..." [mock-Chinese gibberish] Taekwondo, better than Thai boxing!
- Butt-head: He didn't say that, Beavis!
----
- Butt-head: That lead singer, he's cool. He reminds me of my cousin.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Which one?
- Butt-head: Uhh, you know...Richard Head?
Beavis and Butt-head Do America (movie)
Beavis: I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole[people running in panic]
[National Guard truck arrives, only to be flattened by Butt-head's foot]
- Butt-Kong: Huh huh huh huh. Uh huh huh huh huh. Uh huh huh huh. [slaps an oncoming helicopter into a building]
- Butt-Kong: (continues through the city) Huh huh. This is cool. Uh huh huh huh.
[SAM launcher fires numerous shots at Butt-Kong]
- Butt-Kong: [looking irritated] Uh, ow. Cut it out, butthole. [SAM launcher fires another volley, only to be smashed by Butt-Kong's fist]
[woman screaming in a nearby office]
- Butt-Kong: Whoa!
[woman continues screaming]
- Butt-Kong: [looking through window] Uh huh huh huh huh huh. Uh huh huh. [smashes window to grab the woman]
- Butt-Kong: Uhhh... hey, baby. Uh huh huh huh. I'm, like, pretty tall. Huh huh huh huh huh--
[another helicopter circles Butt-Kong's head, firing at him]
- Butt-Kong: Damn it! Cut it out! [slaps helicopter to the ground] I'm trying to score!
[tanks fire at Butt-Kong, then a nearby quaking of the ground]
[Beaviszilla appears, kicking up the tanks]
- Beaviszilla: [inhales, then shoots out fire from his mouth to destroy the last tank] Yeah. Heh heh. You bungholes.
- Butt-Kong: Uh huh huh.
- Beaviszilla: [spots the woman Butt-Kong is holding] Whoa! [walks toward Butt-Kong]
- Beaviszilla: [picks up on the woman] Hey, how's it going? [Butt-Kong moves her away from Beaviszilla] He-hey!
- Butt-Kong: No way, Beavis!
- Beaviszilla: [Butt-Kong forces him to hit himself in the eye] Ow!
- Butt-Kong: [puts woman in the office building, then she runs away] I saw her first! [Beaviszilla grabs Butt-Kong's hair]
- Beaviszilla: [gets slapped by Butt-Kong] Ow! Damn it! [puts his hands on Butt-Kong's shoulders and shakes him, moving toward a smaller building, nearly leveling the city] I'm gonna kick your ass!
- Butt-Kong: Damn it, Beavis! I saw her first! Get out of here! [slaps Beaviszilla] Uh huh huh huh huh...
(fades to Beavis and Butt-head's house)
[After the T.V. has been stolen]
- Beavis: [shaking Butt-head, who is dead asleep on the couch] Butt-head!! Hey, Butt-head! [looks toward the screen] Oh, no. Butt-head! Butt-head!! Wake up!! Butt-head!!!!
- Butt-head: [wakes up] Damn it, Beavis. I was about to score.
- Beavis: Yeah, but check it out. It's gone.
- Butt-head: Uhhh... what?
- Beavis: The TV!!
- Butt-head: Uhhh... oh yeah. Well, where is it?
- Beavis: I don't know! I just woke up, and it was gone! And look, the window's broken, too! [points to a smashed window, outside there are two burglars stealing their TV]
- Beavis: [clicks remote] No...
- Butt-head: Hmm. Uh huh huh huh. Uhh... Uh huh huh huh... Uhh... [looks around the room, first the window, then the footprints, then the entertainment center, then the footprints, then the open door] Uh huh huh huh huh... Uhhh... [does the same thing, only faster] Uh huh huh... [this time, he looks only at the window, then the entertainment center, then the door, back and forth] Uuuhhhh......
- Butt-head: Whoa! I think I just figured something out, Beavis.
- Beavis: What?
- Butt-head: This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah, it really sucks!
- Butt-head: This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before. We must find this butthole that took our TV.
----
(Beavis and Butt-head push the school television out the doors)
- Beavis: (the television falls down the stairs) No! NOOOO! (television breaks)
- Butt-head: That was cool.
- Beavis: No it wasn't!
- Butt-head: Uhhh,oh yeah.
- Principal McVicker: What's going on out here?! (sees broken television) Oh no!
- Butt-head: Uhh,that TV belongs to the school.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's supossed to be in the AV room. Heh,heh,heh, wasn't our fault.
- Principal McVicker: Duhhhhh, YOU GET BACK HERE!(Beavis and Butt-head walk down the stairs) BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD, YOU'RE BOTH EXPELLED!!
-----
- Mr. Anderson: Hey, what in the hell were you two doing in my camper!?
- Mrs. Anderson: Why, they're here to fix the T.V.
- Mr. Anderson: The T.V. ain't broken.
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah, it is.
- Mr. Anderson: Hey, wait a minute...you two look kinda familiar. Ain't you them kids that've been whackin' off in m'toolshed?
- Beavis and Butt-head: (continuous laughter)
----
- Old Woman: Are you two heading for Las Vegas?
- Beavis: Yeah. We're gonna score.
- Old Woman: I'm hope to score big there myself. I'll mostly gonna be doing the slots.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts too. Do they have a lot sluts in Las Vegas?
- Old Woman: Agh. There's so many Slots you won't know where to begin.
- Beavis: Whoa. Hey Butt-head, this chick is pretty cool. She said there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.
- Butt-head: Cool.
----
- Beavis:(hears the plane take off) Hey wait a minute. What's going on here?! (looks out the window and sees that they are in the air) AAAAAHHHH!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!! AAAHH!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
----
[Butt-head flies backward due to Cornholio's intrusion into the cockpit nearly causing a plane crash and lands on the dashboard)
- Pilot: GET THE HELL OUT OF THE COCKPIT!!!
- Butt-head: Huh, huh. You said...
- Pilot:(shoves Butt-head off the dashboard) NOW!!!
----
- Old Woman: What's your last name, son?
- Butt-head: Uh, Head. My first name is Butt.
----
- Hoover Dam Guide: Now, are there any questions?
- Beavis: Yeah. Is this a god damn?
----
- Agent Bork: Chief! Ya know that guy whose camper they were whackin' off in?
- Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a federal agent! You represent the United States Government! Never end a sentence with a preposition.
- Agent Bork: Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
- Agent Fleming: That's better.
- Agent Bork: Well, we took a sample to the lab and found potential fathers of the two: Ex-Motley Crue roadies-turned-drifters.
----
- Beavis: ....Why does everybody want to see my schlong?
----
- President Clinton: Beavis and Butt-head, on behalf of your fellow Americans I extend my deepest thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans who will grow into the leaders of this great country.
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh, he said extend.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah.
----
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, do you think we're ever gonna score?
- Butt-head: I probably will [score]. Not you. You're too much of a butt monkey.
- Beavis: Shut up, dillhole.
- Butt-head: Butt dumpling.
- Beavis: Turd burglar.
- Butt-head: Uh... Ass goblin.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?
- Butt-head: Uh... Yeah.
- Beavis: 'Cuz... Uh... I need to stop by his toolshed for a couple minutes. [laughs] You know I'm sayin'?
- Butt-head: Huh huh... tool. [laughs]
- Beavis: [laughs] Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ng!
----
Virtual Stupidity (computer game)
- Beavis: Last time I gave a crap you told me you didn't want it and made me take it outside.
- Butt-head: Just use the toilet, dumbass.