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Becker

Becker TV sitcom

Becker was a CBS sitcom that ran from November 2, 1998 to January 28, 2004, starring Ted Danson as the title character, John Becker. Although a good doctor, Becker finds annoyance with his patients, his co-workers, his friends, and practically everything and everyone else in his world; yet Becker's temper belies a more complex character, and his rants are often his way of keeping the world from seeing who he really is -- a compassionate idealist afraid to appear emotionally vulnerable. As a result of his outspokenness, Becker is generally inaccessible to people that don't know him, but his patients and friends are nonetheless loyal because, though only occasionally, Becker does sometimes display a kind-hearted side that shows that, despite his cantankerous personality, he really does care about them.
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My Dinner With Becker

Dr. John Becker: If you and I were the only people on the face of the Earth, that would be the only thing we'd have in common.


The Hippocratic Oath

Linda: You know, yelling doesn't solve anything!
Becker: OH, YES IT DOES! IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!


Jake: (accidentally pulls a fire alarm) Oh, I hate when I do that...

One Wong Move

[Becker's patient is Richard Hatch, winner of Survivor: Borneo]
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker.
[he and Richard shake hands]
Richard Hatch: Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem.
Dr. John Becker: Uh, why don't we just talk first.
Richard Hatch: Okay.
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?
Richard Hatch: No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico?
Richard Hatch: No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae...
Dr. John Becker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you?
Richard Hatch: Hey, some of the other people there ate rats.
Dr. John Becker: Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that?
Richard Hatch: It was for "Survivor."
Dr. John Becker: "Survivor?"
Richard Hatch: You know, the contest? The show? It was on television.
Dr. John Becker: Television? Oh, my God! You know, what is this world coming to? People are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God! You know, TV has become nothing more than the... the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots! Don't they have better things to do than to debase themselves coast to coast?
Richard Hatch: Well, I won.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please. I mean, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect?
Richard Hatch: A million dollars?
Dr. John Becker: Now, h-h-how could I get involved with something like that? Is that something that any... just anybody...
[the scene fades out]


Bob: (about Linda's clothes) Wow, is that a handkerchief? Because Bob feels a sneeze coming on.


Trials and Defibrillations

Ruth: We need a new strategy.
Dr. John Becker: Does it involve me taking the bailiff's gun and blasting my way out of here?
Ruth: No, that's plan B.


Judge Reinhold: Dr. Becker, I don't want to hear your voice again. Counselor, call your next witness.
Ruth: [pointing to Becker] It's him.


Linda: You had motive, you had opportunity, and let's not forget yesterday you said you wanted to kill him.
Dr. John Becker: If I was capable of killing someone would you still be alive?
[Becker walks into the back]
Linda: [to Margaret] He didn't do it.


Melvin: And when you say Dr. Becker, who are you referring too?
Vinny Deluca: [points to Becker] That man there.
[courtroom gasps]
Dr. John Becker: Oh, come on, who didn't know that already?


[Melvin, Vinny's Lawyer asked Margaret a question after she had sworn the truth on the bible]
Margaret: Was that a real bible?
[talking to Becker]
Margaret: I'm sorry, John, I have to tell the truth.
Dr. John Becker: [pointing to the jury] You know they can hear you?


Dr. John Becker: [after standing up from witness chair in courtroom] I will not sit here and be accused of being a bad doctor. I am a damn good doctor.
Judge Reinhold: Doctor Becker, you are out of order!
Dr. John Becker: [turning to judge] No! You know something: You're out of order! This whole system is out of order!
Judge Reinhold: [bangs gavel] All right, Pacino. You have no idea how much I hate that damn movie!


Another Tricky Day

Dr. John Becker: You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to think that Linda was right about all that astrology crap.
Margaret: Oh, that's nonsense. Strange things don't happen to you because of the planets or numerology or any of that junk. If your faith in the Lord was as strong as mine, you'd know that. You lead a good life, you'd go to Heaven. If you don't, you suffer the consequences.
Devilish-Looking Man: Excuse me.
Margaret: (turns to look at him) Oh, sweet Jesus. Um, are you a new patient?
Devilish-Looking Man: Yes, I am.
Margaret: And your name is...?
Devilish-Looking Man: I'm known by many names... Jim, James, Jimbo.
Margaret: (to Becker) You take him, I'll get the rat.


Dr. John Becker: I was about to go along with all that astrology crap, but then I looked it up. Mercury doesn't go into retrograde for another three months.
Linda: Wow, that must mean that all the weird stuff that happened today was nothing but a bunch of unrelated coincidences.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, you got a better explanation?
Linda: Well, if you add up the month, the day and the year, that all adds up to 26. You add the two and the six and you get eight. Divide that by four, that's two, which is the number of people here in this room. Coincidence? I don't think so.

The Pain in the Neck

Mr. Stoler: I don't need these pills. This test confirms everything I believe in.
Dr. John Becker: Damn it, this is what pisses me off about you people. You people find religion and think that you have all the answers!
Mr. Stoler: Don't doctors think they have all the answers?
Dr. John Becker: I *do* have all the answers!


The Job

Linda: I was right. [Becker]'s a junkie.
Dr. John Becker: Who the hell is this?
Linda Oops. Wrong number.


Assorted episodes

Margaret: So someone finally shot you.
Dr. John Becker: I always thought it would be you, Margaret.
Margaret: So did I.


Margaret: Jake, you've got to see this.
Jake Malinak: I'm blind.


Dr. John Becker: Did anyone watch the news last night?
Jake Malinak: Well, I don't really...
Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, stay with me, Jake. So they're doing a story about violence in America. And while they are interviewing a bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states, instead of making guns harder to get, he blames the violence on television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island.


Dr. John Becker: Oh great, no cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning.
Jake Malinak: I don't see why you don't just quit, John, they're taking years off your life
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years that you spend just bitching at the world.
Jake Malinak: As opposed to this whole Gandhi thing you've got going on now?


Dr. John Becker: Look, someone in your department shut down a residential care facility in my neighborhood and threw everyone out into the street. Now I'm here because I want something done about it!
Deputy Secretary: Wow. You sound pretty upset.
Dr. John Becker: Well, I am. You know, I've been on the phone all afternoon calling every city agency I can think of, and all I got was the typical beureaucratic runaround.
Deputy Secretary: Well that's terrible, you shouldn't have been treated like that.
Dr. John Becker: At least you see that.
Deputy Secretary: Well of course I do!
Dr. John Becker: Then you'll help me?
Deputy Secretary: Oh dear no.
Dr. John Becker: ...Well, maybe you didn't understand me...
Deputy Secretary: No, I understood you perfectly. You've discovered a social injustice, and as a concerned citizen you've come to your government to demand some action.
Dr. John Becker: Exactly!
Deputy Secretary: It's not gonna happen. But that look on your face, oh, that took me back! What was that, righteous indignation? I used to feel like that when I first started working here forty-two years ago.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well - you've been in this office forty-two years?
Deputy Secretary: Yeah. Same desk, same fake plant, same window. Doesn't open. None of them do. Otherwise we'd all jump out. But you were saying?
Dr. John Becker: Look, I told you! Either reopen the facility, or make some arrangements to take care of these people!
Deputy Secretary: And I told you, I can't help.
Dr. John Becker: But you're the deputy secretary of social services!
Deputy Secretary: It's just a title.
Dr. John Becker: Dammit! Look, listen - you're in charge here, you're responsible, you work for the city!
Deputy Secretary: You're not listening! I can't help. Nobody can help. That facility is not going to reopen, and I'll tell you why: there is no money! There's no money because the federal government cut taxes, which is all anybody seems to care about anymore. That means less money for the state, which means less money for the city, which means we had to cut services, which means fewer cops, fewer firemen, bad air, bad water and crappy schools which will turn out another generation of voters too stupid and greedy to care about anything else besides cutting taxes! So don't you come in here and tell me to fix your problem, because there's not a DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!... Where did that come from?


[about breasts]
Chris Connor: Why do you think they're here for? For fun? No! They're here to
[shouts]
Chris Connor: get things done!


Dr. John Becker: I never told you to shut up.
Mr. Humphries: You hung up on me once.
Dr. John Becker: So I didn't have to tell you to shut up.


Margaret: [on the phone] I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
[hangs up the phone and Becker walks in]
Margaret: What did you do?
Dr. John Becker: I don't know.


Hector Lopez: All right, people, give me your money!
Jake Malinak: Does he have a gun?
Chris Connor: No.
Jake Malinak: No.


Dr. John Becker: What's new, Linda?
Linda: A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing.
Dr. John Becker: The flower dress?
Linda: No, worse.
Dr. John Becker: The pants with the gold circles?
Linda: No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh.
Dr. John Becker: Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.
[walks in the back as Margaret walks by and laughs at her 'swest']


Dr. John Becker: Since when do you wear glasses?
Linda: I don't.
Dr. John Becker: Then what are those?
Linda: They just look good, they don't do anything.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well, you'd be the expert on that.


Alexei: Reggie is very much hot broad.


Linda: Someday you'll look back on this and laugh.
Dr. John Becker: Maybe I will. But before then, I will kill you. And then I'll use my powers as a physician to bring you back to life. And then, I will kill you again.


Margaret: I don't like to lie. It's wrong.
Dr. John Becker: Says who?
Margaret: The Lord!
Dr. John Becker: The Lord? Margaret, this is the Bronx. Believe me, he's not here.


Dr. John Becker: Just when I think God couldn't screw me any further, he gets out the old Black & Decker and twists a little harder!
Margaret: Interesting; you're being persecuted by a God you don't believe in.
Dr. John Becker: That's why he's after me, Margaret.


Dr. John Becker: ...everybody at Harvard used to stand in line for days to get into one of his classes
Bob: Who said Harvard students don't know how to party?


Dr. John Becker: I can't believe you don't remember me!
Prof. Fowler: I tell you one thing... you're becoming impossible to forget!


Dr. John Becker: Oh, I'm so glad to see you!
Bob: That's nice, John.
Dr. John Becker: I was talking to the cigarettes.


[Bob is trying to get reparations for being 1/64th Native American]
Bob: You people have no idea what it's like to be discriminated against!
Jake Malinak: Yeah, I'm a blind black man, we just SAIL through life.


Bob: Becker, I just had a great idea!
Dr. John Becker: The first one's always exciting, isn't it?


Bob: I was doing some research on the internet...
Dr. John Becker: Must have come as a surprise that it's not all porn, huh?
Bob: One shock at a time.


[about a patient]
Dr. John Becker: What does he want?
Margaret: To bask in the sunny warmth of your disposition.


Dr. John Becker: Did you ever hear me say that?
Margaret: No, but it certainly sounds like you!


[about relaxation tapes]
Dr. John Becker: You'd be surprised how many people give 'em to me for Christmas.
Chris Connor: I'm surprised people give you presents at all.


[Becker is buried up to his neck in fake snow]
Kid: Are you Mr. Angry Head?
Dr. John Becker: I'm *Doctor* Angry Head.


[to Liz]
Dr. John Becker: All right, I'm sorry.
[Reggie gasps]
Dr. John Becker: Oh, shut up.


Margaret: I have to leave early today.
Dr. John Becker: And leave me alone with Linda?


Dr. John Becker: He took special interest in one student. Can you guess who that young man was?
Linda: Who?
Dr. John Becker: Linda, don't be such an idiot. It's me.
Linda: Oh, when you said young it threw me off.


Margaret: Just for today, you are Beth.
Lynda: I don't like the name Beth.
Linda: I do, can I be Beth?
Lynda: I want to be Beth too.
Margaret: You can't both be Beth.
Linda: Why? We're both Linda.
Lynda: Let's pick our own names.
Linda: I want to be Margaret.
Lynda: No, I want to be Margaret.
Margaret: I want to be dead.


Dr. John Becker: Uh-Linda?
Linda, Lynda: Yes?
Dr. John Becker: I meant Linda.
Linda, Lynda: Yes?
Margaret: You're both named Linda?
Linda, Lynda: Yes.
Dr. John Becker: I just had that creepy feeling I had in medical school watching the cell divide.


[Linda stands up with a post-it note stuck on her forehead]
Linda: I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it.
Dr. John Becker: Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda: Wow, it's like you read my mind.
Dr. John Becker: Some are easier than others.
[Becker walks away and Margaret comes in]
Linda: I have a message for you.
Margaret: Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda: Wow, you people are freaky.
[Linda goes in the back]
Dr. John Becker: I won't tell her if you won't tell her.


[doing a word association test]
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Dog.
Dr. John Becker: Leave.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Tree.
Dr. John Becker: Me.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Man.
Dr. John Becker: Alone.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Hey!


Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Doesn't what she did piss you off?
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Oh, come on, Becker, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks.
Dr. John Becker: Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.


Linda: OK Here's the thing...
Dr. John Becker: Aw come on Linda, no THINGS!


Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: I don't have a license to sell alcohol.
Dr. John Becker: You don't have a license to sell rat hair, either, but that never stopped you.


Patient: [guest star Mary Steenburgen] You arrogant bastard, if I say I know the Roosevelts, I know the Roosevelts.
[leaves the office]
Dr. John Becker: I pity the poor bastard who's married to her.
[Mary Steenburgen is Ted Danson's real-life wife]


[Linda wants to rename the exam rooms A, B and C and put the patients in them according to the letter of their ailment]
Dr. John Becker: There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?
Linda: Headache, "A" for ache.
Dr. John Becker: Pregnancy?
Dr. John Becker': "B" for baby.
Dr. John Becker: X-ray?
Linda: "C" for see-through.


Dana: What do you have against the New York City Marathon?
Dr. John Becker: The Marathon just gets my hopes up. At first it seems like 20,000 idiots are leaving the city, but then they just make a big loop and come right back.


Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Do you think it would be silly for me to go back to college, now?
Dr. John Becker: No, I think it would silly for us to have this conversation again, ten years from now.


Annette Johnson: You just may go to Heaven whether you like it or not.
Dr. John Becker: Thanks. It's the first time someone suggested I go in that direction.


Mr. Humphries: Tonight, I want you to read this.
Dr. John Becker: "10,000 reasons to smile"? Puppies, rainbows... this is 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus!
Mr. Humphries: My grandson bought that for me, but if you don't like it, then, here, read this.
Dr. John Becker: "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Mr. Humphries: It's about a younger man who visits an older man in the hospital.
Dr. John Becker: We don't need to read this book, we're living it right now!
Mr. Humphries: The younger man has a *positive* outlook on life. You got a problem with "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Dr. John Becker: No, I got no problem with Tuesday. It's every other day of the week that's giving me trouble!


Chris Connor: You told Tony I was gay so he wouldn't be interested in me. Then you told me Tony was gay so I wouldn't be interested in him.
Dr. John Becker: Do you think I would be capable of that?
Chris Connor: You made up a sister named Pepper Becker!


Chris Connor: [to Dr. John Becker] There's not a day that goes by that doesn't prove you are emotionally retarded!


[a patient can't open the door]
Dr. John Becker: Door's unlocked right?
Margaret: Yup.
Dr. John Becker: And he still can't get in?
Margaret: Apparently.
Dr. John Becker: I guess I can be a little more tolerant.
Margaret: Oh, come on, you can't possibly be that stupid! If you keep pulling and it isn't working there is only one possible option, press the button and push!
[opens the door and looks to Dr. John Becker]
Margaret: Jackass!
Dr. John Becker: Feels good, doesn't it?


Patient: So, doctor, can you tell me what's wrong with me?
Dr. John Becker: It's the flu.
Patient: I mean, my heads stuffed up, my nose is clogged.
Dr. John Becker: These are all symptoms of the flu.
Patient: My muscles ache, I have no energy.
Dr. John Becker: It's the flu!
Patient: I sweat at night. I think that's why they call them night sweats.
Dr. John Becker: [shouts] It's the flu! Jeez, what's wrong with you?
Patient: I don't know, I think I caught a bug.
Dr. John Becker: [storms out]


[Reggie's diner has been robbed]
Dr. John Becker: Well, maybe this is a good sign. I mean, who would want to rob this place? Maybe they've finally run out of places to rob, and crime will finally stop in New York. I mean, whar could they possibly rob next?
[pause]
Dr. John Becker: Oh, dear God, my apartment!


Dr. John Becker: Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Its a rubber band.
Dr. John Becker: oh! college girl! anyway, I'm supposed to snap it everytime I feel angry.
Jake Malinak: doesn't that hurt?
Dr. John Becker: yes
Jake Malinak: won't that make you more angry?
Dr. John Becker: shut up.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.
Dr. John Becker: yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.


Dr. John Becker: I woke up to the fact that as a healthcare professional, its insane for me to go on smoking.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: They raise the price of cigarettes again?
Dr. John Becker: Yeah. $4.50 a pack!


Jake Malinak: Wait a minute, this guy's really good-looking, isn't he?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: I could lick his face like a Dove bar.


Dr. John Becker: Hey, Hector, how is everything?
Hector Lopez: Well, actually...
Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, I don't really care.


Dr. John Becker: [to Margaret while looking at travel brochures] What were you thinking?
[slaps brochures on counter]
Dr. John Becker: Too hot. Too cold. Too stupid. Mexico? What's the point? In a few weeks, they'll all be up here.


Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Well, I hate to break it to you--you're normal.
Dr. John Becker: You can't talk to me like that! You know, you've called me alot of things, you've called me neurotic, damaged, obstinant, inappropriate, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit there and let you tell me that I'm normal. I'm not normal. I'm abnormal!
Dr. John Becker: Know what I hate?
Jake Malinak: Who's got the list?


Margaret: So, Linda, how long have you had the nipple ring?
Linda: Gee. What makes you think I even do?


Bob: Hey, Doc!
Dr. John Becker: Hey, dork!
 
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