Bill Watterson Quotations

William B. "Bill" Watterson II (born 1958-07-05) is the author of the comic-strip Calvin and Hobbes.

Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin: So long, Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap!

First line of the first Calvin and Hobbes strip.

Calvin: Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?

p12 Susie Derkins first introduction

Hobbes: What's that cereal you're eating?

Calvin: It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Have a taste.

Hobbes: Thank you. (clutching throat) MFFPBTH!!!!! S-Sw-Sw SWEET!!!!!!!!!

Calvin: Actually, they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em.

p61

Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace?

Calvin: Too few role models.

I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy...and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins,OK?

Hobbes: Gotcha.

Calvin: GO! (WAP, WAP) Kind of a stupid game,isn't it?

p62

Calvin: Somewhere in Communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard of America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy...and tell him the awful TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!!

Calvin's Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.

p70

Hobbes: Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes.

Calvin: EIGHTEEN?!? By then I'll know better!

p90

Something Under the Bed Is Drooling

Calvin: Boy, what a day! I went to school, played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. [to his dad] You know what time it is now?

Calvin's Dad: Uh, 7:35.

Calvin: It's Miller Time.

Calvin's Dad: Get back here!

p28

Calvin: Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, Dad?

Calvin's Dad: Oh, sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt brontosaurus for all the clan rituals.

Calvin's Mom: [to Calvin's dad] Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you?

p29

Calvin's Dad: YOU'RE TRASHING YOUR ROOM AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING LOOKING FOR MONSTERS?! IF YOU DON'T GET BACK INTO BED THIS INSTANT, YOU'LL HAVE A LOT MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THAN STUPID MONSTERS!!

Lazy Sunday book 23

Susie: Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin?

Calvin: I'm still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role, you know. What are you?

Susie: I'm "fat."

Calvin: No, I mean in the play.

Susie: Anyone ELSE want to say it?!?

Calvin: Aackk! Understudy! Understudy!

p43

Calvin's Dad: It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't mean anything but what it's seen on TV.

p100

Calvin: Dad, where do babies come from?

Calvin's Dad: Most people just go to Sears, buy the assembly kit, and read the instructions.

Calvin: I CAME FROM SEARS?!?!

Dad: No, you were a Blue Light Special at Kmart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.

Calvin: AAUUGHHH!

Calvin's Mom: Dear, what are you telling him now?!

Yukon Ho!

Susie: Talking with you is the conversational-equivalent of an out of body experience.

p72

Calvin's Dad: Go break his little legs, will you, honey?

p77

Weirdos from Another Planet

Susie: I was going to ask you to play House, but I think you'd be a weird example for our children.

p36

The Revenge of the Baby-Sat

Calvin: If I was in charge, we'd never see grass between October and May.

Calvin's Dad: I think "Santa" would rather have a cold beer.

p15

Hobbes: Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal.

p15

Calvin's Dad: (spotting Calvin's macabre snowmen) You can always tell when you get to our house.

p41

[Hobbes eating "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" to help Calvin get proof of the purchase seals to get a beanie.]

Hobbes: Blechh. I feel sick.

Calvin: Oh, c'mon. That's only your second bowl of cereal.

Hobbes: This stuff is pure sugar.

Calvin: But it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you.

Hobbes: Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of Milk Duds.

Calvin: Look, it says right here, "Part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast."

Hobbes: And they show a guy eating five grapefruits, a dozen bran muffins...

Calvin: (shaking) You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency, I'll bet.

p43

Calvin's Mom: I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble.

p76

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?

p100

Calvin's Mom: How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?

p109

Calvin's Dad: I'm going to the office and get some sleep.

p124

Scientific Progress Goes "Boink"

Calvin's Dad: The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.

p23

Calvin: I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

p29

Calvin's Dad: Numb toes build character.

p64

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.]

Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box!

Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel!

Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that!

Hobbes: I'm looking it up.

Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js!

Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB?

Calvin: 957.

p76

Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons

Calvin's Dad: I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here.

Calvin: Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.

Susie: Our class voted Calvin the "Most likely to be seen on the news some day".

p13

Calvin: It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

p19

Hobbes: Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?

p38

Hobbes: Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them.

p52

Calvin: They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it.

p53

Calvin: In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

p58

Calvin: It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

p62

Calvin's Dad: I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling.

p68

Calvin: I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.

p90

Susie: Uh oh... here comes Calvin - the Incurable Weirdness poster child.

p125

Calvin's Dad: By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee "mud." You may rise.

p126

The Days Are Just Packed

Hobbes: So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met?

p23

Calvin: Mom and Dad drive me crazy. They don't understand me and I don't understand them. It's hopeless! I'm related to people I don't relate to.

p25

Calvin: [as Spaceman Spiff] Free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe!

p50

Calvin: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?

Hobbes: I'm not sure man needs the help.

Calvin: You just can't talk to animals about these things.

p54

Hobbes: I don't know which is worse...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.

p56

Susie: The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.

p64

Calvin: Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?

Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life.

Calvin: (after a long pause) I can't tell if that's funny or really scary.

p64

Calvin: Paul Gauguin asked, "whence do we come? What are we? W here are we going?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later! Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway?

p69

Calvin: Our country was founded a long time ago, roughly around 200 B.C.

Miss Wormwood: 200 B.C.?!

Calvin: "Before Calvin." [Later, in a dunce cap] That's what's important!

Calvin: When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation.

Hobbes: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan.

Calvin: It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.

p78

Calvin: The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!

p79

Calvin: You call this news?! This isn't informative! This is a sound bite! This is entertainment! This is sensationalism! Fortunately, that's all I have the patience for.

p96

Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe?

Calvin: The Horrendous Space KABLOOIE!

p101

Calvin: Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.

p106

Calvin: Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.

p107

Hobbes: Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business.

p107

Calvin: [I pray for] The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.

p137

Calvin: Miss Wormwood, I'm a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. Nevertheless, I feel the need for spiritual guidance and comfort as I face the day's struggles. So I was wondering if I could strip down, smear myself with paste, and set fire to this little effigy of you in a non-denominational sort of way. [Outside the principal's office] Boy, what a touchy subject!

Calvin: Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.

p154

Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

Calvin: If mom and dad cared about me at all, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.

Calvin: Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul!

p36

Calvin: I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled!

Hobbes: Is it a right to remain ignorant?

Calvin: I don't know, but I refuse to find out!

p41

Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.

p42

Calvin: Verbing weirds language.

p.53

Calvin: If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.

p55

Calvin's Mom: [on phone] What do you mean Calvin left his clothes with Susie??

p.56

Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?

Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes."

Calvin: Academia, here I come!

p62

Calvin: Reality continues to ruin my life.

p67

Hobbes: I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.

p.78

Calvin: Miss Wormwood, I protest this "C" grade! That's saying I only did an "average" job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an "A" for this kind of work! I think it's really gross how she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle.

p.85

Calvin: Do you think babies are born sinful, that they come into the world as sinners?

Hobbes: No, I think they're just quick studies.

Calvin: Whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted.

p.90

Hobbes: There's more to this world than just people, you know.

p105

Calvin's Dad: Cyclists have a right to the road too, you noisy, polluting, inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon!

p.106

Calvin: You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.

p109

Hobbes: The important thing is we tried our best.

Calvin: The important thing is we lost!

Hobbes: Oops, I always forget that the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.

Calvin: What's the point of trying if you can't be a winner?

Calvin's Dad: Calvin, losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all, winning isn't everything.

Calvin: Is that really what they believe on the planet you're from?

Calvin's Dad: You've been watching athletic shoes ads again, haven't you?

p.110

Calvin: Do you believe in evolution?

Hobbes: No.

Calvin: You don't believe humans evolved from monkeys?

Hobbes: I sure don't see any difference. [Calvin angrily chases him] Woo hoo hoo!

p.114

Calvin: I believe personal greed justifies everything. Also, private lives are legitimate public entertainment. And the lowest common denominator is always right. Do I have career options or what?

Hobbes: I think I need to start hanging around with other animals.

p.122

Calvin: The problem with people is that they don't look at the big picture. Eventually, we're each going to die, our species will go extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence isn't only temporary, it's pointless! We're all doomed, and worse, nothing matters!

Calvin: Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. [In the corner with a dunce cap] For some reason, they'd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book.

p125

Calvin: Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine,
oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design!
Such beauty and grace wild nature produces...
[disgusted] Ughh, look at that spider suck out that bug's juices!

p140

Calvin: Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in...But everytime I do, they tell me to stop it.

p.140

Calvin: The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.

p142

Calvin: From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.

p145

Calvin: What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up?

p146

(After Calvin hits a baseball and breaks a house window, walks up to Susie)

Calvin: Don't ask dumb questions. Just ring my doorbell, hold the bat, and yell HA! HA!

Susie: Why is that worth ten cents to you?

p.150

Calvin: History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.

p152

Calvin: These real-life video programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual, horrible experiences, which are broadcast nationwide for the public's viewing amusement! It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be! Everything's fair game!

Hobbes: Who'd have guessed Big Brother would go commercial?

Calvin: I love to snicker at other people's tragedy.

p.156

There's Treasure Everywhere

Calvin: Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail...or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed? On the one hand, undeserved success gives no satisfaction...but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. Then again, that doesn't justify my cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. But then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of not studying. Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles. Then again, maybe that's why the world is such a mess. What a dilemma!

Hobbes: So what did you decide?

Calvin: Nothing. I ran out of time and I had to turn in a blank paper.

Hobbes: Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory.

Calvin: Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.

p. 12

Calvin: Look, a dead bird!

Hobbes: It must've hit a window.

Calvin: Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up.

Hobbes: No doubt.

p16

Calvin: I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

p18

Susie: Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.

p25

Hobbes: So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection?

p29

[Calvin is posing in his underwear in front of his mirror.]

Calvin: Made in God's own image, yes sir!

Hobbes: God must have a goofy sense of humor.

p31

[Calvin is outside, looking up at the stars.]

Calvin: I'M SIGNIFICANT!...screamed the dust speck.

p30

Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

p34

Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.

Hobbes: Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're living in a tragedy or a farce.

Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.

p.62

Calvin: Incredibly, people never expect to get hit with a snowball in the house.

Hobbes: I'll see you in your room momentarily.

p78

Calvin: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, 'What's wrong with this idiot?' But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said!

Hobbes: Maybe they're not very self aware.

Calvin: Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves!

p.83

Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.

p.90

Calvin: I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.

p.91

Calvin: [to Moe, the bully] Your simian countenance suggests a heritage unusually rich in species diversity.

Moe: ...What?

Calvin: [handing over his milk money] Here. That was worth 25 cents.

p.91

Calvin's Dad: Why is it that I can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but I can't remember what I just got up to do?

p93

Calvin: Trifle not with tired tigers.

p106

Calvin: This piece of pie is awfully darn small!

Calvin's Mom: Life could be a lot worse, Calvin.

Calvin: Life could be a lot better too! … But worse is more likely.

p121

Calvin: My internal clock is on Tokyo time.

p.129

Calvin: I sure am great! I'm one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I'm great in so many great ways! In fact, I'm so great that my greatness is...

Susie: You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met!

Calvin: When you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.

p.130

Hobbes: Virtual reality is already here.

p132

Calvin (writing, after being asked to explain Newton's First Law of Motion "in his own words"): Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. (speaking) I love loopholes.

p133

Calvin: I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog!

Hobbes: It would seem you were born for the job.

Calvin: Imagine getting paid to act like a six-year-old!

p.138

Calvin: [sighs] I wish I could go to the moon.

Calvin's Dad: I wish you could too.

Calvin's Mom: Dear.

p.140

Calvin: Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!

p142

Calvin: One of my baby teeth came out! I have to say, I'm not entirely comfortable holding a piece of my own head.

p149

Calvin: My brain always rejects attitude transplants.

p158

Calvin: Look at how people are portrayed in the comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews, and bimbos! And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insidious social programming is this?? No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies!

Calvin's Dad: Yes, we all know how funny good role models are.

Calvin: And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats!

p.158

Calvin: Cigars are all the rage, Dad. You should smoke cigars!

Calvin's Mom: Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting.

Calvin: I see.

Dad: Nicely put, dear.

p.166

It's a Magical World

Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.

p33

Calvin: I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

p39

Hobbes: If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some!

Calvin: Now yer talkin'!

p45

Calvin: People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.

Hobbes: You misspelled Weltanschauung.

p68 (July 15, 1995)

Calvin: Shock and titillate me! I've got money!

p74

Susie: Did you know that nobody on our street sets an alarm clock in the morning?

p97

Calvin: To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.

p113

Calvin: It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy...Let's go exploring!

Last line of the final Calvin and Hobbes strip

The Essential Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin: Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination.

p26

Calvin: (Talking on a pay phone)Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?

p29

Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace?

Calvin: Too few role models.

p72

Hobbes: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof?

Calvin: Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask, right?

p75

Calvin's Dad: The world isn't fair, Calvin.

Calvin: I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

p82

Calvin: There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse!

p100

Calvin: I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

p152

Calvin: Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?

p212

Calvin: I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

Hobbes: I think if you're born, it's too late.

p227

The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin: Do you have any money?

Hobbes: No.

Calvin: How can we get some? Who do you know that we could sue?

p29

Calvin: Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.

p35

Hobbes: You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human.

p39

Calvin: Girls are like slugs—they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

p71

Calvin: Hey Susie, what's the answer to Question 7?

Susie Derkins: Imadoofus.

Calvin: Thanks.

(Calvin realizes Susie has tricked him)

Calvin: The Tooth Fairy's gonna make you rich tonight, Susie.

p76

Calvin: I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.

p86

Hobbes: If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams.

p87

Calvin: But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

p99

Hobbes: I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.

p111

Calvin: You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!

p121

Calvin's Dad: I think we'd better get that kid to a psychologist.

p136

Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.

p152

Calvin: That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

p190

Calvin: I'd hate to have a kid like me.

p203

Calvin: There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

p213

Hobbes: Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger.

p214

Calvin: I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

p235

The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin: As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

p25

Calvin: Childhood is short and maturity is forever.

p33

Calvin: I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! [pause] Well, no I don't. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead.

p.56

Calvin: I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.

p77

Calvin: Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.

p77

Calvin: True friends are hard to come by...I need more money.

p86

Calvin: I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?... Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television?

p94

Calvin: It's only work if somebody makes you do it.

p126

Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

p157

Calvin: But for my own example, I'd never believe one little kid could have so much brains!

p182

[Calvin has created several duplicates of himself.]

Calvin: The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the things I'm getting blamed for.

p188

Hobbes: Live and don't learn, that's us.

p190

Calvin: This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! ... That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this.

p207

Calvin: [as Stupendous Man] Yahh! Freedom and justice shall always prevail over tyranny, babysitter girl!

p218

Calvin: Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.

p225

Unsourced

I hope some historian will confirm that I was the first cartoonist to use the word "booger" in a newspaper comic strip.
- The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book (pg 78)

So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don't recommend it.
- Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

You can lead people to truth, but you can't make them understand it: the story of my youth, as seen from the present.
- The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book

If you ever want to find out just how uninteresting you really are, get a job where the quality and frequency of your thoughts determine your livelihood. I've found that the only way I can keep writing every day, year after year, is to let my mind wander into new territories. To do that, I've had to cultivate a kind of mental playfulness.
- Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

We're not really taught how to recreate constructively. We need to do more than find diversions; we need to restore and expand ourselves. Our idea of relaxing is all too often to plop down in front of the television set and let its pandering idiocy liquefy our brains. Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery— it recharges by running.
- Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

Selling out is usually more a matter of buying in. Sell out, and you're really buying into someone else's system of values, rules and rewards.
- Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

Such is American business, I guess, where the desire for obscene profit mutes any discussion of conscience.
- Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it's to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential-as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth. You'll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you're doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you'll hear about them.
- Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin: Much as I like my "Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs", the best part is after the cereal's gone. That's when I eat the milk that's sludgy from all the extra sugar I added. Sometimes I eat two to three bowls of this.

Hobbes: I can hear your heart racing from here.

Calvin: They make these with marshmallow bits, too, but Mom won't buy them for me.

Calvin: I think geniuses should be given special considerations.

Calvin: For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive!

Calvin: Despite that amazing display of cunning, reflex, and physical prowess, your tail still has a death-grip on your butt.

Calvin: I find it easier to live my life with lowered expectations.

Calvin: Ms. Wormwood, I'm a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. Nevertheless, I feel the need for spiritual guidance as I face the day's trials. Therefore, I was wondering if I could strip down, smear myself with paste, and set fire to this little effigy of you in a non-denominational sort of way.

Calvin: If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative to not know this material. I'll be out in the playground.

Calvin: Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.

Calvin: [On Moe the bully] Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

Calvin: [On Moe the bully] Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.

Calvin: [Mom let him try a cigarette and he nearly hacked himself to death] Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.

Calvin: Don't be so dysfunctional, Mom.

Calvin: [Telling Miss Wormwood why he didn't read his history assignment] The book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. Needless to say, when I picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor in a heap of gibberish.

Calvin: The problem with rock and roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but who believes it? The stars are all either 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The 'revolution' is a capitalist industry! Give me a break! Fortunately, I've found some protest music for today's youth. This stuff really offends Mom and Dad!

Hobbes: Easy-listening Muzak?!

Calvin: I play it real quiet, too.

Calvin: I sure like "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs"! Look how brown the milk gets!

Hobbes: Ugh.

Calvin: Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the side panel.

Hobbes: Wow. 100% of the Daily Recommended Allowance of Caffeine!

Calvin I got the new album by "Scrambled Debutante." All their songs glorify violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs.

Hobbes: Your mother's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around.

[Calvin tosses the actual record into the trash.]

Calvin: Well, I sure didn't buy it for the music!

[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.]

Susie: Hello?

Calvin: Hi, Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play.

Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don't think you've ever invited me to...

Calvin's Mom: Calvin, what are you doing?

Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away.

Calvin's Mom: You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play!

Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... HEY! OW! LET GO!

Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?

Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!

Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!

[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]

Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.

Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!

Susie: You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met!

Calvin: When you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.

Moe: I don't like your face!

Calvin: Then don't look at it!

Moe: I'd rather change it! Haw!

[Moe punches Calvin.]

Calvin: I don't care about being accepted. I'd settle for being ignored.

Hobbes: Shouldn't you be doing your homework?

Calvin: I'm pretty sure the assignment was optional.

Hobbes: Denial springs eternal.

Calvin: It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin! Pay attention! We're studying GEOGRAPHY! Now what state do you live in?

Calvin: Denial.

Ms. Wormwood: [sighs] Well, I don't suppose I can argue with that...

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?

Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.

Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.

Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Calvin: I have plenty of common sense. I just choose to ignore it.

Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we can speak.

Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.

Calvin: Do you believe in the Devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?

Hobbes: I'm not sure man needs the help.

Calvin: You just can't talk to animals about these things.

Calvin's Dad: I wouldn't have been in such a rush to grow up if I knew the whole thing was ad-libbed.

Calvin: [as Tracer Bullet] I introduced the dame to a friend who's very close to my heart. Just a little down and left, to be specific. My friend is an eloquent speaker. He made three profound arguments while I excused myself from the room. I always leave when the talk gets philosophical.

Hobbes: Tigers add panache and savoir faire to any social occasion.

Miss Wormwood: Calvin, your test was an absolute disgrace! It's obvious you haven't read any of the material. Our first president was not Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers!

Calvin: I just don't test well.

Calvin: I want the last piece of pie! Don't divide it up! Give it to me!

Calvin's Mom: Don't be selfish, Calvin!

Calvin: So the REAL lesson here is "Be Dishonest?"

[Calvin's mom gives him the whole piece of pie.]

Calvin: My parents' idea of a wild night is to mix a scoop of real coffee in with a decaf.

Calvin : Can I be excused? There's a TV show I want to see.

Calvin's Mom : We're still eating dinner, Calvin.

Calvin: I'm through. This stuff tastes awful. I want to go watch television.

Calvin's Mom: It's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal.

Calvin: So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys CHEW?! I'll miss my show!

Calvin's Mom: Your TV show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family.

Calvin: We'll compromise. I'll go watch a sitcom family.

(Later. Calvin is still sitting at the table with his parents.)

Calvin: My TV show is starting. I'm missing my show!

Calvin's Dad: This year, I thought we'd just keep the tree in the garage.

Calvin: In the GARAGE?!

Calvin's Dad: Sure. You can go out and look at it whenever you want, and it saves all the trouble of decorating it.

Calvin: We're not going to DECORATE it?!

Calvin's Dad: Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks. On Christmas Day, if you get a present…

Calvin: IF I get A present?!

Calvin's Dad: …you can take it out to the garage to open, and pretend the tree has lots of lights and…

Calvin: MOM!

Calvin's Mom: I know somebody who's going to get a lot of coal in his stocking, buster.

Calvin's Dad: The season gets less jolly every year.

Calvin's Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses?

Calvin's Mom: No, I haven't.

[Calvin walks in wearing the glasses.]

Calvin: Calvin, do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!

[Calvin's Mom cracks up]

Calvin's Dad: Okay, I admit the voice was a little funny, but that's still one darn sarcastic kid we're raising.

Calvin: The problem with tigers is that they have no setting between "off" and "high".

Calvin's dad: Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.

Quoternity