Blackadder Quotations

Blackadder is a television show which originally aired on BBC One written by Richard Curtis, Ben Elton, and Rowan Atkinson. It traces members of the Blackadder dynasty and their associates through different periods of history.

The Black Adder:	Foretelling	Born	Archbishop	Queen	Witchsmeller	Black Seal
Blackadder II:	Bells	Head	Potato	Money	Beer	Chains
Blackadder the Third:	Dish	Ink	Nob	Sense	Amy	Duel
Blackadder Goes Forth:	Cook	Punishment	Star	Plane	Hospital	Goodbyeee
Specials:	Cavalier Years		Christmas Carol		Back & Forth
Cast			External links

The Foretelling

Edmund: I like the cut of your jib, young fella me lad. What's your name?

Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, my lord.

Edmund: Then I shall call you Baldrick, Baldrick.

Baldrick: And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.

Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.

Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Born to Be King

[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]

Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"

Edmund: Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.

The Archbishop

Harry: Yes, that's right. A tragic accident.

Edmund: Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.

Harry: Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.

King Richard IV: [to Edmund] You, as compared to your beloved brother Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!

Harry: Oh, father, you flatter me!

Edmund: And me, also!

The Queen of Spain's Beard

King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the king of France in sympathy for the death of his son.

Chiswick: The one you had murdered, my lord?

King: [absentmindedly] Yes, yes, that's the fellow.

King: Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. [hands him a lidded goblet]

Chiswick: What is it, my lord?

King: The King of Naples.

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Witchsmeller: [talking about ordeal by axe] The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck — so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.

Percy: Look, look, I just can't take the pressure of all these omens anymore!

Edmund: Percy...

Percy: No, no, really, I'm serious! Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!

Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?

Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.

The Black Seal

Friar Bellows: Perhaps a motto for our enterprise? "Blessed are the meek..."

[The rest grumble in disagreement.]

Friar Bellows: "... for they shall be slaughtered!"

[The rest cheer and rush for the door.]

Edmund: But the plan! You've forgotten the plan!

Sir Wilfred Death: I thought that was the plan!

Sean, the Irish Bastard: Let's get those meek bastards now!

Edmund: He murdered his whole family!

Pete: Who didn't? I certainly killed mine.

Wilfred: And I killed mine.

Friar: And I killed yours.

Sean: Did you?

Friar: Yes.

Sean: Good on you, Father.

Bells

Blackadder: This is the Jane Harrington?

Percy: Yes.

Blackadder: Jane "Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin" Harrington?

Percy: I think there may be two Jane Harringtons —

Blackadder: No, no... Tall, blonde, elegant.?

Percy: Yes, that's her.

Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town?

Blackadder: Just a wild stab in the dark, which incidentally is what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.

Head

Blackadder: To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

Melchett: I have taken the liberty to make a list of suitable candidates. [unrolls a scroll] Lord Blackadder. [pauses and rolls the scroll back up]

Potato

Melchett: [giving a scroll to Blackadder] Farewell, Blackadder! The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you! [Blackadder unrolls the scroll] It's a... map of the area you'll be traversing. [Blackadder inspects the apparently blank scroll] They'd be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along. Goodbye!

[Not having a present for Melchett, Blackadder offers a bottle of Baldrick's urine]

Blackadder: There was one thing ma'am, a fine WINE from the far east. A most delicious beverage.

Queenie: Have a taste, boys; tell us what you think.

Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose.

Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar.

Blackadder: You'll be delighted to hear there's an inexhaustible supply of the stuff.

Money

Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic herd!

Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord?

Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it.

Beer

[Queen Elizabeth has a lot of good ideas]

Nursie: That was another good idea! You are so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.

Queen Elizabeth: Does that happen, when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?

Nursie: Certainly does! My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off.

Blackadder: Get the door, Baldrick.

[There is a crash. Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]

Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give ... phenomenally good.

Baldrick: You said "Get the door."

Blackadder: Not good enough. You're fired.

Baldrick: But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!

Blackadder: So has syphilis. Now get out.

Chains

Melchett: As private parts to the gods are we: they play with us for their sport!

Edmund: Were you ever bullied at school?

Ludwig: What do you mean?

Edmund: I mean, all this ranting and raving about power. There must be some reason for it.

Prince Ludwig: Nonsense. No, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.

Blackadder: I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts all the way up to your final year.

Prince Ludwig: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me "Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot" again!

Dish and Dishonesty

Vincent Hanna: And now for the result of our exclusive exit poll, which produced a 100% result for... "Mind your own business, you nosy bastard."

Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. "Name"...Baldrick. First name?

Baldrick: Er... I'm not sure.

Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea.

Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod Off.

Blackadder: What?

Baldrick: Well, when I was little and I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes "Hello, my name's Baldrick." And they'd say "Yes we know. Sod off, Baldrick."

Blackadder: All right, "Mr S. Baldrick." Now then, "Distinguishing features".... None.

Baldrick: Hold on. I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.

Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now, "Any history of insanity in the family?"... Tell you what. I'll cross out the "in." "Any history of sanity in the family?" ... None whatsoever.

Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir?

Prince George: Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened. Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.

Blackadder: Oh. An absurd suggestion, sir.

Prince George: You're right, it is absurd.

Blackadder: Unless this was a particularly stupid donkey.

Blackadder: Now, Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat, would you? Two slices of bread with something in between.

Baldrick: What, like Gerald, Lord Sandwich had the other day?

Blackadder: Yes, a few rounds of geralds.

Nob and Nobility

Blackadder: How would you like to earn some money?

Comte de Frou-Frou: I would not like to earn it. I would like other people to earn it and give it to me. Just like in France in the good old days!

Blackadder: Yes, but this is a chance to return to the good old days!

Comte de Frou-Frou: Oh how I would love that. I hate this life; the food is filthy! This huge sausage [points to his dinner] is very suspicious. If I didn't know better I'd say it was a—

Blackadder: Yes, yes, all right.

Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick: They certainly are, sir!

Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick: We do nothing.

Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.

Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder: And then we... spring into action?

Sense and Senility

Blackadder: Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.

Mossop: How dare you, sir! You think, just because we're actors, we sleep with everyone!

Blackadder: I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone.

Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.

Blackadder: Really?...And what did he play?

Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.

Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece.

Baldrick: Yes.

Blackadder: Did he have a large part?

Baldrick: Depends who's playing Macbeth.

Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: Oh God! Bills, bills, bills. One is born, one runs up bills, one dies! And what have I got to show for it? Nothing but a butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo! Honestly Baldrick, I sometimes feel like a pelican—whichever way I turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me!

[Still trying to find a bride for the Prince]

Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80—they're out, 47 are under 10—they're out, and 39 are mad.

Baldrick: They sound ideal.

Blackadder: They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse.

Mr. Hardwood: Mind, sir, or I shall take off me belt, and by thunder, me trousers shall fall down!

Sally Cheapside: Papa! You did nothing to defend my honour!

Duke Cheapside: Oh, shut yer face, your prgenant junkie fag-hag!

Duel and Duality

Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then, hundreds of years from now, I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.

Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.

Blackadder: Quite.

Blackadder: A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child... But personally, I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a wad of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn!

Plan A: Captain Cook

Melchett: Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.

Blackadder: Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?

Captain Darling: How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? It's classified information!

Blackadder: It's the same plan that we used last time and the seventeen times before that.

Melchett: Exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it! It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we've done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem.

Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds.

Melchett: That's right. And Field Marshal Haig is worried this may be depressing the men a tad. So he's looking for a way to cheer them up.

Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide seems the obvious choice.

Melchett: Hmm, interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.

Blackadder: Get me a chisel and some marble, will you, Baldrick?

George: Oh, you're taking up sculpture now, sir?

Blackadder: No, I thought I'd get my headstone done.

George: What are you going to put on it?

Blackadder: "Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed!"

Plan B: Corporal Punishment

Blackadder: I remember Massingbird's most famous case: the Case of the Bloody Knife. A man was found next to a murdered body. He had the knife in his hand. 13 witnesses had seen him stab the victim. And when the police arrived, he said "I'm glad I killed the bastard." Massingbird not only got him off, he got him knighted in the New Year's Honours List, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to wash the blood out of his jacket.

Perkins: Yeah, he's a dab hand at the prosecution as well, sir.

Blackadder: Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.

Perkins: Oh yes, butch ol' Oscar.

Blackadder: Big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar — the terror of the ladies. 114 illegitimate children, world heavyweight boxing champion and author of the best-selling pamphlet "Why I Like To Do It With Girls." And Massingbird had him sent down for being a woopsie.

George: I'm a complete duffer at this sort of thing. In the School Debating Society I was voted Boy Least Likely to Complete a Coherent... erm...

Blackadder: Sentence?

George: Yeah.

Plan C: Major Star

George: You a bit cheesed off, sir?

Blackadder: George, the day this war began, I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes of you turning up, I finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars. And at this late stage, I am in a cab with two lady companions, on my way to The Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.

Blackadder: Yes, in one short evening, I've become the most successful impresario since the manager of the Roman Colosseum thought of putting the Christians and the lions on the same bill.

Plan D: Private Plane

Blackadder: Hello? I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Royal Flying Corps. That's Air Chief Marshall Sir Hugh Massingbird-Massingbird VC, DFC and bar. Message reads "Where are you, you bastard?"

Baldrick: Here I am, sir.

Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick, take cover!

Baldrick: Why, sir?

Blackadder: Because there's an air raid going on! And I don't want to have to write to your mother at London Zoo and tell her that her only human child is dead!

Flashheart: The first thing to remember is always treat your kite like you treat your woman.

George: Ho-how do you mean, sir? You mean, um... you mean, take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?

Flashheart: No. I mean, get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

Blackadder: I'm beginning to see why the Suffragette Movement want the vote.

Flashheart: Hey, any bird who wants to chain herself to my railings and suffer a jet movement gets my vote.

Plan E: General Hospital

Blackadder: I spy, with my bored little eye... something beginning with "T."

Baldrick: Breakfast!

Blackadder: What?

Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers.

Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T," I was talking about a letter.

Baldrick: No, it never begins with a letter! The postman doesn't come 'til 10:30.

Blackadder: I can't go on like this. George, Take over.

George: All right, Sir. Um... I spy, with my little eye, something beggining with "R."

Baldrick: Army!

Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick! "Army" starts with an "A." He's talking about something with an "R." [trills the R]

Baldrick: Motorbike!

Blackadder: What?

Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a Rrrrr!

Blackadder: Right! My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends with "OW"?

Baldrick: I dunno.

Blackadder: Come here. [punches Baldrick in the face]

Darling: Don't be ridiculous, Blackadder. You can't suspect me. I've just arrived.

Blackadder: One of the first rules of counter-espionage Darling is to suspect everyone. Believe me, I will be asking myself some very probing questions. First, what is the colour of the Queen of England's favourite hat?

Darling: How the hell should I know?

Blackadder: I see. What is the name of the German head of state?

Darling: Kaiser Wilhelm, of course.

Blackadder: So you're on first-name terms with the Kaiser, are you?

Darling: What was I meant to say?

Blackadder: Darling, shh. Cigarette?

Darling: Thanks.

Blackadder: All right, you filthy piece of crap.

Darling: Eh?

Blackadder: Don't give me that, matey. I know your game. Tell me, Von Darling, what was it won you over? Was it the pumpernickel or the thought of hanging around with a lot of men in leather shorts?

Darling: I'll have you court martialed for this, Blackadder.

Blackadder: What, for obeying the General's orders? That might be how you do things in Munich — or should I say München — but not here, Werner. You're a filthy Hun spy, aren't you? Baldrick: the cocker spaniel, please.

Plan F: Goodbyeee...

George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building.

Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.

Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side; and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.

Baldrick: Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?

Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.

George: Oh, what was that?

Blackadder: It was bollocks.

Blackadder: The Cavalier Years

Blackadder: All right, what's the plan?

Baldrick: This [holds up a pumpkin with a face and wig]

Blackadder: A pumpkin is going to save the king?

Baldrick: I will cover his real head with a cloak and balance the pumpkin on top and cut that off instead and the king survives.

Blackadder: I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick. You see, when you've cut it off you have to hold it before the crowd and say "This is the head of a traitor," at which point they will all shout "No, it isn't. It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it."

Baldrick: I suppose it's not 100% convincing.

Blackadder: It's not 1% convincing. However, I can't be bothered to hit you. Here is my fist. Kindly run towards it.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Lord Blackadder: Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings to you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.

Lord Melchett: And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.

[A reformed Ebenezer Blackadder hands Baldrick the money he just lifted from his niece's fiancé.]

Ebenezer: Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus. I'm going to have a party, and no one's invited but me!

[Baldrick opens the door to find Queen Victoria, Prince Albert and their aide prepared to give Blackadder a reward for his generosity.]

Queen Victoria: We are Queen Victoria.

Baldrick: What, all three of you?

Blackadder Back & Forth

Blackadder: Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan.

Baldrick: Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on, and is now working for the UN at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?

Blackadder: Yes, it is.

Baldrick: Mm... That's cunning!

[Blackadder punches William Shakespeare.]

Blackadder: That is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years! Do you have any idea how much suffering you're going to cause? Hours spent at school desks trying to find one joke in A Midsummer Night's Dream? Years spent wearing stupid tights in school plays saying things like 'what ho, my lord' and 'look, here come Othello talking total crap as usual'? Oh, and ... [kicks Shakespeare] That is for Ken Branagh's endless, uncut, four-hour version of Hamlet!

Shakespeare: Who's Ken Branagh?

Blackadder: I'll tell him you said that. And I think he'll be very hurt.

The Black Adder

Rowan Atkinson - Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh
Elspet Gray - The Queen
Tim McInnerny - Percy
Patrick Allen - Narrator
Brian Blessed - King Richard IV
Tony Robinson - Baldrick
Robert East - Prince Harry, Prince of Wales

Blackadder II

Rowan Atkinson - Lord Edmund Blackadder
Tim McInnerny - Lord Percy
Tony Robinson - Baldrick
Miranda Richardson - Queen Elizabeth I
Stephen Fry - Lord Melchett
Patsy Byrne - Nursie
Tony Aitken - Minstrel
Hugh Laurie - Prince Ludwig

Blackadder the Third

Rowan Atkinson - Edmund Blackadder, Esq
Tony Robinson - Baldrick
Hugh Laurie - The Prince Regent
Helen Atkinson-Wood - Mrs. Miggins
Stephen Fry - Duke of Wellington

Blackadder Goes Forth

Rowan Atkinson - Captain Edmund Blackadder
Tony Robinson - Private Baldrick
Stephen Fry - General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett
Hugh Laurie - Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St. Barleigh
Tim McInnerny - Captain Darling
Rik Mayall - Captain Flasheart

Blackadder: The Cavalier Years

Rowan Atkinson - Sir Edmund Blackadder
Tony Robinson - Baldrick
Stephen Fry - King Charles I

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Rowan Atkinson - Ebenezer Blackadder / Lord Edmund Blackadder / Edmund Blackadder, Esq. / Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder
Tony Robinson - Baldrick / Baldrick / Sod-Off Baldrick / Baldrick
Miranda Richardson - Queen Elizabeth I / Asphyxia XIX
Stephen Fry - Lord Melchett / Lord Frondo
Hugh Laurie - George, the Prince Regent / Lord Pigmot
Robbie Coltrane - Spirit of Christmas
Miriam Margolyes - Queen Victoria
Jim Broadbent - Prince Albert
Patsy Byrne - Nursie

Blackadder Back & Forth

Rowan Atkinson - Lord Edmund Blackadder / King Edmund III / Blackaddercus
Tony Robinson - Sod-Off Baldrick / Baldrickus
Miranda Richardson - Lady Elizabeth / Queen Elizabeth
Tim McInnerny - Archdeacon Darling / Duc de Darling / Duke of Darling
Hugh Laurie - Viscount George Bufton-Tufton / Georgius
Stephen Fry - Bishop Flavius Melchett / Melchett / General Melchecus / Wellington
Rik Mayall - Robin Hood
Colin Firth - William Shakespeare
Kate Moss - Maid Marian / Queen Marian
Patsy Byrne - Nursie
Simon Russell Beale - Napoleon
Jennie Bond - Royal Reporter
Crispin Harris - Friar Tuck

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