Bruce Almighty Quotations

Bruce Almighty is a 2003 film about a man who, after complaining that God is unfair, is given God's powers.

Directed by Tom Shadyac. Written by Steve Koren, Mark O'Keefe, and Steve Oedekerk.

He's got the power.taglines

Bruce

All the greatest anchors have had their signature sign-off, like Walter Cronkite. And that's the way it was. That's the way the cookie crumbles. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.

First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber... Pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me.

[A disguised God has been showing Bruce signs all day; His latest one reads "LIFE IS JUST"] Just? Just get a clue!

Anyway, I'm here with Katharine Hepburn's mom. Tell me: Why did you throw the blue Heart of the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were safe, floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ASS off?!

That is perfect! That is the motivation that I needed! Right there! Thank you. Thank you, WKBW! Wimpy Kiddy Baby Whiners! THAT'S WHAT THAT STANDS FOR! I'll see you on Channel 5, where they do the real news.

B-E-A-utiful.

Fine! The gloves are off pal! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!

You can't leave me! I'm the Alpha, lady! I'M THE OMEGA, BABY! Okay, fine, I don't need you!

Okay, You win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God! I want You to decide what's right for me! I SURRENDER TO YOUR WILL!

I AM BRUCE ALMIGHTY! MY WILL BE DONE!

(sampling wine at his and Grace's date) It's perfect. She'll love it.

Smite me oh mighty smiter!

(sarcastically) Yes, let's thank God, for His blessings are raining down upon me. WAIT! THAT'S NOT RAIN!

(sarcastically) "A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush..." I have no bird, I have no bush! God has taken my bird and my bush!

(After using his newly obtained God powers to enhance the size of Grace's breasts) Honey, that was the best breast...the breast breast...thank you.

S'good!

(Makes a lady's skirt fly up) And he saw that it was GOOD!

Others

Jack: You don't want to be like Evan. Evan's an asshole.

Computer: Yahweh! You've got prayers.

God: Parting a soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It’s a magic trick. A single mom who’s working two jobs and still finds time to take her son to practice, that’s a miracle. A teenager who says 'no' to drugs and 'yes' to an education, that’s a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. What they don’t realize is they have the power. Want see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

Dialogue

Bruce: So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry, but I say, 'No, is big chocolate sprinkle.' But he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.

Bruce: Well, I admire your candor. Let's try that again, shall we?

...

Bruce: So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

Mama Kowolski: So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?

Bruce: That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.

Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.

Bruce: And the cookie is... ten feet, four inches! We have a new record! Cue the cheesy inspirational music!

(Meteorite crashes nearby)

Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles!

Bruce: Whoa! Hold the phone! I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.

Grace: How'd you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash.

Bruce: You look perky, hon. It must've been cold.

Grace: All right, fine! Do with it what you will, I don't care!

Bruce: I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy! I hear their layouts are pretty tasteful!

Ally: They want you close to the falls.

Bruce: Really? I'm gonna get soaked.

Ally: That's the point.

Bruce: Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.

Grace: Come on! What are you DOING?!

Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor

Bill (Ferry Owner): Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...

Bruce: Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.

Jack: Cut the feed. Go to black.

Technician: I'm on it.

Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, FUCKERS!

Jack: Oh boy.

Grace: Oh, my God.

Grace: Will you stop being such a martyr?

Bruce: I am not being a martyr. I'm the victim. God is a mean kid over an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers, and watch me squirm!

God: "The gloves are off, God." "God has taken my bird and my bush." "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.

Bruce: Who are you?

God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega. Bruce, I'm God.

Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!

God: In a way, I'm here to offer you a job.

Bruce: Job? What job?

God: My job. When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all of my powers.

Bruce: Whatever you say, pal.

Bruce: (driving the car) If that was God, then I'm Clint Eastwood. (sound of glass shatters) HOLY HELL! (pull over)

Bruce [as Clint Eastwood]: (car's mirror reflection starts speaking) Be careful what you wish for, punk. (gets out of car) No way, uh-uh, I am a reasonable, sane human being... (changes back into Clint Eastwood) with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the wo... (yells and changes back into Bruce) I'm not Clint Eastwood. (shuts eyes) I'm Bruce Nolan, Bruce Nolan. I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce No- (attempts to throw gun away and pulls out his Eyewitness News microphone)-lan!

God: [commenting on how he briefly gave Bruce two extra fingers] I did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.

Bruce: Holy sh... cow.

Bruce: Where ya goin'?

God: I'm... taking a vacation.

Bruce: Wait, God doesn't take vacations! Does he? Do... ye?

God: Ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered! You can fix up everything in five minutes if you wanted to. Right? Ciao.

Lead Thug: I'll tell you what. When a monkey comes out of my butt, you'll get your "sorry". How about that?

Bruce: What a coincidence! Because that's... today.

[A monkey comes out of the Lead Thug's butt]

Thug #1: Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?!

Thug #2: This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!

Bruce: Are you guys leavin'? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes hornets at them, and is then joined by the monkey] Hey there, little anal-dwelling butt monkey! Time for you to go home, little buddy.

[The monkey re-enters the Lead Thug's butt]

Grace: Those are amazing! What are these?

Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... todaisies.

Bruce: Bedroom?

Grace: Five minutes.

Grace: I'll be out in a minute.

Bruce: Don't rush yourself. Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure...!

Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.

Grace: Wow.

Bruce: It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!!!

News Reporter: In international news, Japanese relief workers are staging a desperate effort to rescue hundreds of people stranded by a freak tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City. Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused by what they're describing as unusual lunar activity. More on this as it develops.

Evan: A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor (in high-pitched voice) demanded that... When the mayor demanded that the chief... When the mayor demanded that the chief... As a response to allegations... I'm sorry. I seem to have something stuck in my...

Director: Somebody get him some water, please.

Susan: Looks like my new co-anchor might need a glass of water. (Evan laughs in high-pitched voice)

Evan: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.

Director: What did he just say? Check the prompter.

Technician: The prompter's fine.

Director: Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.

Evan: The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "tactical" difficulties...

Evan: (spouts angry gibberish) Doo-doo ca-ca poo-poo! (more angry gibberish) PEE-PEE! (laughs embarrased)

God: It's really something, isn't it?

Bruce: Is this Heaven?

God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.

Bruce: (incredulous) I'm DEAD?!

God: Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. (laughs)

Bruce: I'd better manifest some coffee. ¡Hola, Juan Valdez! (hello, juan valdez!)

Juan Valdez: Buenos días.' (good morning!)

Bruce: ¡Buenos días! (good morning!)

Juan Valdez: Disfrute un buen café. (enjoy a good coffee.)

Bruce: Gracias, señor. (thank you, sir.)

Juan Valdez: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)

Bruce: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)

Bruce: Ah! Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.

Bruce: Look, would it help if I just said that I was a complete ass?

Day Care Kid: Hey, you said 'ass.'

Bruce: Yeah, but it's okay if I'm talking about a donkey.

God: It's good.

Bruce: It's good.

Both: s'goood!

Bruce: I was such an idiot.

Grace: It's okay.

Bruce: (trying to pray)Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all mankind. (to God)How was that?

God: That was good... If you wanna be Miss America. C'mon, what do you really want?

Bruce: (starting to break down)Grace.

Homeless Man Signs

R EWE BLIND

LOOK TO YOURSELF

LIFE IS JUST

THY KINGDUMB COME

ALL FOR WON

GOD BEE GOOD HONEY

Bruce: (with his own sign) WHATEVER HE SAID →

ARMAGEDDON OUTA HERE

Taglines

He's got the power.

In Bruce We Trust?

If you could be God for one week, what would you do?

The guy next door just became the man upstairs.

Cast

Jim Carrey - Bruce Nolan
Morgan Freeman - God
Jennifer Aniston - Grace Connelly
Philip Baker Hall - Jack Baylor
Catherine Bell - Susan Ortega
Lisa Ann Walter - Debbie
Steve Carell - Evan Baxter
Nora Dunn - Ally Loman
Eddie Jemison - Bobby
Paul Satterfield - Dallas Coleman
Mark Kiely - Fred Donohue
Sally Kirkland - Anita Mann
Tony Bennett - Himself

Quoternity