Buffy the Vampire Slayer (film) Quotations

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a 1992 film about a self-absorbed California high school student who learns she's the Chosen One, destined to defend humanity against vampires. The title character and basic concept were carried over to the far more successful TV series.

Directed by Fran Rubel Kuzui. Written by Joss Whedon.

Buffy

"Mmm. Wouldn't you guys love me in this?" [holding up a new jacket in front of her]
"'Pike' isn't a name. It's a fish."
"Does Elvis talk to you?"
"What are you doing here? This is a naked place!" [when Merrick approaches her in the girls' locker room]
"All I wanna do is graduate from high school, move to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now, that may not sound too exciting to a stone-head like you, but I think it's swell. And then you come along and, and tell me I'm a member of the hairy mole club so you can throw things at me? I don't THINK so!"
- Collary: All that's missing is marrying Christian Slater...
"Do you got any gum?" [during a graveyard stakeout]
"I just think it sounds cool, you know? Buyer, buying, to buy..." [about her future career as a 'Buyer']
"Great. My secret weapon is PMS."
"Does the word 'duh' mean anything to you?"
"Sorry about your guitar." [after staking a vampire with a piece of Pike's guitar]
"Merrick — you made a joke! Are you okay? I mean, do you wanna lie down? I know it hurts the first time."
"Three weeks ago, all I thought about was... well, I didn't actually think about anything."
"You broke up with my machine?!
"I'm the Chosen One, and I choose to be shopping."
"Well, aren't we kung-fu."
"Why?It's not in the Book of all Knowledgefulness that i'm going to cheer tomorrow?Lighten up,Merrick"

Merrick

"You do everything wrong!" [after Buffy apologizes] "No....Do it wrong."
"There's a small village in Hampshire, near Stonehenge..." [notices Buffy's blank look] "Near a bunch of big rocks. That's where I was born."
"All this is a show. And when the music stops, the rest is silence."

Pike

"I'm leaving, man, I'm bailing town. This place has gotten way too hairy."
"Look — air!" [distracting dull-witted vampire henchmen]
"I have to fall down now."
"I think I'll just hang out here. Make sure the sun comes up and everything."
"I don't believe this! The world is under attack by legions of the undead, and you're going to a mixer?!?"
"You know, Benny was right? You're all the same. I'm not disappointed, I'm just angry!"
"Are YOU addressing I?"
[Buffy is lying on top of him after a large leap] "What am I supposed to do, run? These guys are everywhere, and I wanna do some damage. I'm good with damage."
[sees Amilyn and Lothos with Buffy] "I know that guy. That is a bad guy. Can we go now?" {when Buffy approaches Lothos] "Does anyone here but me have a problem with this?"
"I crashed your party" [Buffy responds, "How shallow."] "Yeah well, I'm pretty shallow. Would I get my ass kicked if I asked you to dance?"

Lothos

"You must forgive Amilyn. He tends to drool before supper."
"We can't be stopped. This is our world now."
"What are we? We are man, perfected. We exist to consume."
"Twelve hundred years old, and you behave like a child! Honestly, I don't know how you made it through the Crusades."
"Now I'm really pissed off." [with stake protruding from his chest]

Amilyn

"Wanna go for a ride?"
"You ruined my new jacket!" [to henchmen] "Kill him a LOT!" [after his left arm has been torn off]
"Admit it, Buffy. Don't you sometimes feel... less than fresh?"
(When Lothos has one Arm)We're Immortal.We can do anything
Buffy:Oh yeah?Clap

Kimberley

"Get out of my facial!"
"Buffy, what's your sitch? You're acting like the Thing from Another Tax Bracket."

Andy

[interview after vampire attack]: "They had fangs. They were biting people. They had this look in their eyes — totally cold. Animal. I think they were Young Republicans."

Gary Murray

"Don't think of me as Gary Murray, administrator. Think of me as Gary Murray — party guy."
"I have detention slips here, and I'm not afraid to use them!" [to horde of vampires attacking the school gym]
[dead vampires, with stakes sticking out of their hearts, litter the gym] "Detention, detention, detention...detention, detention, detention. I think that's all of them; no, wait, detention, detention, detention." [drops detention slips on the bodies]
"[During the credits]Well,I think the kids learn a lesson about safety.Except the Dead ones.Well,they learned it but didn't have time to implement it. Are we live?

The Coach

"Now, what do we say on the court? Repeat after me: 'I am a person. I have a right to the ball'."
"Hey, you missed practice again today. I think you better sit down and think about how that made me feel."
"Assert your person-hood! Actualize! Actualize!"

Others

"Her yabbos scoff at gravity." ~ Benny
"Hey, babe, you wanna get some real power between your legs?" ~ Biker
"Come on, Pike! Join me! Live forever! We can start a band!" ~ Benny

Dialogue

[Buffy's mom bids farewell to Buffy and her boyfriend.]

Buffy's Mom: Bye-bye, Bobby.

Jeffery: Bye! [to Buffy] She thinks my name's Bobby?

Buffy: It's possible she thinks my name's Bobby.

Buffy: I got a C-plus on the test, and he tells me, "You have no sense of history." I have no sense of history? He wears a brown tie!

Nicole: You got a C-plus? I can't believe I cheated off you.

Buffy: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador. Like I'm ever going to Spain anyway.

[Buffy and her friends converse loudly in the movie theater.]

Benny: I can't believe these people. We paid money to see this.

Pike: No, we didn't.

Benny: Oh, yeah. But I still wanna know what happens!

Buffy: Everyone gets horribly killed except the blonde girl in the nightie, who finally kills the monster with a machete. But it's not really dead.

Jennifer: Oh, my God, is that true?

Buffy: Probably. What movie is this?

...

[Later: Buffy and her friends bump into the same two guys at a cafe.]

Pike: Hey, wait a minute...

Benny: You're the guys from the movie!

Pike: We hate you guys.

Pike:Would you have sex with them?

Benny:Another shot of this, I'll have sex with you

Pike:Yeah but then you'll never call me again

[Benny, now a vampire, is floating outside Pike's window.]

Benny: Let me in, Pike. I'm hungry.

Pike: You're floating! Get outta here!

[Buffy & friends plan a school dance.]

Nicole: Buff, I don't see why we have to invite every senior.

Buffy: Because it's the senior dance? It's just a shot in the dark.

[Buffy just punched Merrick in the face.]

Buffy: Oh, wow. I, I never hit anybody before.

Merrick: Really? Well, you did it perfectly.

Buffy: I didn't even break a nail.

[Pike is preparing to leave town.]

Pike: Seen Benny lately?

Zeph: No. You want me to give him a message?

Pike: You should think about leaving too, man. Sell this place. There's something going on around here... I don't know, something really weird. [turns to leave]

Zeph: Hey — what do you want me to do if I see Benny?

Pike: Run.

[Merrick analyzes Buffy's first solo slaying.]

Merrick: He was slow. Very simple. They won't all be that easy.

Buffy: Fine.

Merrick: And the alley was a mistake. Never corner yourself like that. If they had come at you in force, you'd be dead now. One vampire is a lot easier to kill than ten.

Buffy: Does the word "duh" mean anything to you?

Merrick: None of the other girls gave me this much trouble.

Buffy: And where are they now? Hel-lo-o!

...

Buffy: I've got something none of the other girls had.

Merrick: And what's that?

Buffy: My keen fashion sense.

Merrick: Oh... vampires of the world, beware.

Buffy:Oh, you made a joke. Do you wanna lie down? I know it hurts the first time

[In the school hallway, one of Jeffery's friends grabs Buffy from behind.]

Andy: Gotta get some!

[Buffy flips him, then jerks him to his feet and pins him against a locker.]

Andy: Whoa, whoa — I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I don't actually need any right now!

Buffy: Don't grab me, okay?

Andy: Absolutely! I now see the error of my mistake.

Merrick: Good Lord. What do you study in History?

Buffy: My nails.

[Pike has just crashed his van fleeing from a group of vampires.]

Buffy: Is this your van?

Pike: [dazed] Yeah...it was. It's... still...

Shambling Vampire: BluaaaaahUGH!

[Buffy arrives at a school dance to find her boyfriend with another girl.]

Jeffery: Didn't you get my message?

Buffy: You broke up with my machine?!

Jeffery: You weren't home. Like always.

[Vampires have surrounded the school gym.]

Buffy: Don't worry. They can't come in here. They can't come in unless they're invited.

Kimberley: I... already invited them.

[Everyone — students and faculty — stares at her.]

Kimberley: They're seniors!

[A vampire ex-student brags to Buffy.]

Buffy: We were friends.

Grueller: Now, I'm a god! [Pike stakes him]

Pike: And now, you're a coat rack.

[Buffy is confronted by the one-armed Amilyn.]

Amilyn: We're immortal, Buffy. We can do anything.

Buffy: Oh, yeah? Clap.

[Buffy faces the vampire lord Lothos.]

Lothos: You and I... are one.

Buffy: One what? Cute couple? I don't think so!

...

[Buffy brandishes a crucifix.]

Lothos:So this is your defense? Your puny faith? [he grasps the crucifix; it bursts into flame.]

Buffy: No. My keen fashion sense. [she pulls a can of hair spray out of her purse.]

[After the climactic vampire battle, Buffy tends to the fallen Pike.]

Buffy: Are you all right?

Pike: Well... I can't move my legs.

Buffy: Why?

Pike: Because you're sitting on them.

[Buffy helps up an in pain Pike.]

Pike:Wow, did I do all of that?

Buffy:No.

Pike:(sighing) Did you do all of that?

Buffy:Yeah.

[Buffy and Pike are dancing.]

Pike: You know... you're not like other girls.

Buffy: Yes, I am. [puts her head on his shoulder]

Pike: C'mon, Lefty, you remember what happened the last time you messed with me.

Amilyn: Yeah, I do. [lifts Pike in the air by shirt collar]

Pike: Shit. [as Amilyn throws him across the parking lot]

Cast

Kristy Swanson - Buffy
Donald Sutherland - Merrick Jamison-Smythe
Rutger Hauer - Lothos
Luke Perry - Oliver Pike
Paul Reubens - Amilyn
Hilary Swank - Kimberley Hannah
Stephen Root - Gary Murray
Mark DeCarlo - Coach
David Arquette - Benny Jacks

Quoternity