Captain N: The Game Master Quotations

Captain N: The Game Master was an animated series produced by DiC Entertainment based off of various video games available for the Nintendo Entertainment System. It was also a short-lived comic book published by Valiant as part of the Nintendo Comics System.

Cartoon Quotes

"'Trust me,' he says. Ha! I'd sooner trust a vampire to give me a shave." ~Simon
"Looks like the Ultimate Warp brought us the ultimate wimp!" ~Simon
Kevin: Your powers don't scare us!
Dracula: I'm so happy to hear that. You know, fear makes de blood taste terrible.
Kevin: Stay close. I think the bridge goes this way.
Lana: What if you're wrong?
Kevin: Then we'll be getting some free skydiving lessons - parachutes not included.
Simon: (under the effects of a love arrow) How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One is for your little button-nose. Two is for your cute little twinkle-toes. Three is...
Mother Brain: Enough! I want the truth this time! What is your real plan?
Simon: All right, I'll tell you. My plan is to hug and kiss those cute little wrinkles on your brain!
"It's a good thing for you I'm an animal lover. Now scoot, before I change my mind and make fur underwear out of you." ~Simon, to a lion
Lana: Some guide you are.
Simon: An honest mistake. Mountain lions are related to dogs, you know.
Lana: They're related to cats.
Simon: Ah-ha! I always suspected Duke was part cat.
"I didn't save you. I saved him. He gets awful indigestion from eatin' strangers. Keeps me up all night." ~Bayou Billy
"Oh, he's probably just feeding the alligators...with himself." ~Simon
"I'm gonna scramble your eggplant when I get my gloves on you!" ~King Hippo
"If you promise not to eat me, I'll take you to Captain N!" ~Simon
"Let 'em go, or there's gonna be french-fried eggplant and hippo burgers for everyone." ~Kevin
"Toro! Toro! No, I mean Hippo! Hippo! Olé!" ~Simon
"Hey, it's either that or go back home and clean up my room." ~Kevin
Eggplant Wizard: No! Wait! It was an accident!
King Hippo: Oh, I'll give you an accident on purpose!
Lana: That's not fair! Donkey Kong weighs more than you!
Kevin: Are you kidding? He weighs more than the Chicago Bears.
"Get this junk off me before I have you frozen in butter sauce!" ~Mother Brain
Mother Brain: Quick, get me the second Sacred Treasure!
Eggplant Wizard: Yes, your wrinkledness.
Mother Brain: Never say the word "wrinkles" to me! These are beauty lines.
"Hmph! I could have done better, and I don't even have a body!" ~Mother Brain, after Lana wins the diving competition
Simon: But Medusa's even uglier than Mother Brain! One look at her face turns a man to stone!
Kevin: Look on the bright side, Simon. You'd make a very handsome statue.
Simon: Oh, yes! I would, wouldn't I?
"Uh, on the other hand, why worry about a neck when you've got an entire body to think of?!" ~Simon
"Well... this doesn't look so bad. But that does!" ~Simon
King Hippo: Ooh! That's hot enough.
Simon: What's that? Still too cold?
"Don't worry, Princess. I got to be Game Master by learning from my mistakes." ~Kevin
Mega Man: There's no time to waste! We've got to mega move it!
Kevin: Well, I wouldn't call hugging a princess a waste of time.
"What perfectly dreadful statues. Medusa has lousy taste in art." ~Simon
Mother Brain: Metroid mirror on the wall, am I the cutest of them all?
Mirror: Princess Lana is the cutest chick. You're so ugly, you make me sick!
Mother Brain: What do you know, twerp?! I will be the most beautiful woman in VideoLand! And you, Eggplant Wizard, are going to help me do it.
Eggplant Wizard: M-m-m-me?
Mother Brain: Yes, you! You can start by making me an apple!
Eggplant Wizard: Uh, ah, whatever you say, Mother Brain. Magic words with which I grovel, make this brain a big juicy apple!
(He turns Mother Brain into an apple.) Mother Brain: You idiot! I don't want to be an apple! I want to have an apple!
Eggplant Wizard: Cool off, Mother Brain, or you'll became a baked apple! I can turn a princess to a pumpkin, a prince to a ham on rye; turning you back to normal is as easy as apple pie!
(He turns Mother Brain into an apple pie. She grabs Eggplant Wizard and shakes him.) King Hippo: Hey! You look pretty tasty, Mother Brain! Can I have a slice?
Mother Brain: Shut up and change me back!
Kevin: What have you done to the princess?!
Mother Brain: What's the matter? Don't you like fairy tales? You remember this one. The beautiful princess eats the poisoned apple and falls into a deep sleep. And the handsome prince - ha! I suppose that's you - has to wake her out of the spell.
Kevin: It's also the one where the prince destroys the ugly witch, isn't it?
Eggplant Wizard: That's the one!
Mother Brain: Shut up, you mental midget!
"You couldn't even wake up a frog with a kiss like that!" ~Simon
"I'm doing this for your own good, Captain N! Rescuing princesses is a man's job! (Duke growls at him) Shut up." ~Simon, after trapping Kevin
Kevin: Simon! Don't just sit there like a Thanksgiving turkey! Gimme a hand!
Simon: Yes, well, I'd love to, but I'm tied up at the moment.
Guard: Halt! No one enters Castle Ironspire and lives!
Kevin: But we're prepared to pay.
Guard: I don't accept credit cards!
Kevin: How about gold and jewels?
Guard: Well... why didn't ya say so? Go right in and make yourselves at home.
Kevin: I don't get it! It's not working!
Simon: Maybe it's my breath.
King Hippo: Hey, egg-breath! You're paddling the wrong way!
Eggplant Wizard: Uh-uh, you are! The island's behind you!
King Hippo: Then let me sit over there! I get seasick ridin' backwards! (stands up)
Eggplant Wizard: Wait! You're rockin' the raft! (They fall off the raft.) YAAHHH!!! See what you did?
King Hippo: Aw, shut up and swim!
"If you're trying to scare me, you're doing a good job!" ~Simon
"If we get out of this, remind me to have my Zapper waterproofed!" ~Kevin
"All right, you deadbeat! You can squeeze me! You can choke me! You can shake me! But mess my hair? No way!" ~Simon
Mega Man: Dr. Right, are you sure you can trust that mega rat?
Dr. Light: There's good in everybody, Mega Man. You just have to look for it.
Kevin: Yeah? Well, Wily does wear a clean lab coat!
Kevin: You'll pay for this, Dr. Wily!
Dr. Wily: Sorry, Captain Numbskull. I left my wallet in my other lab coat.
"Let's make a run for it! Uh, on second thought, let's run away from it!" ~Simon
Kevin: Sorry if I upset your cat.
Lana: But I don't have a cat.
Lana: What do you see in the mirror?
Simon: You mean I'm a Prince Charming?
Lana: No, Simon! I mean you're an arrogant, self-centered egomaniac!
Simon: I'm that good, am I?
"Abandon ship! Women and Simons first!" ~Simon
Kevin: Hey, are you guys all right?
Simon: Yeah. We're in hamburger heaven.
Mother Brain: That's it! I've found Captain N's weak spot.
King Hippo: Uh, you mean he's afraid of rats?
Kevin: I learned this recipe from my uncle Lenny back in New York. Trust me princess, this is gonna be the coolest thing you ever tasted.
Lana: What exactly is a pizza?
Kevin: Oh, this is no ordinary pizza, it's a Captain N Special. N for nuts, N for nectarines, N for nachos... (Duke grabs the pizza) And N for "No"!
Lana: I think you better rename it the Duke Special.
"What a shrimp! And every shrimp needs a shrimp salad!" ~Eggplant Wizard
"Yes. Well, it was very nice of you to drop by. Do come back and visit us soon, say, twenty years?" ~Simon
Simon: Stand back. Simon Belmont will take care of this deadly beast! (pulls out a golf club and gets ready to hit the lizard)
Kevin: Don't you think that's the wrong weapon for the job?
Simon: You're absolutely right. (throws the golf club aside, pulls out a rocket launcher, and points it at the lizard)
Simon: (as the baby dragon licks him) Knock it off! I'm not your mother!
Kevin: No, but you probably smell like her.
Kevin: I'll see what the lightning bolt can do. Simon, you try on the armor.
Simon: But I look awful in gold!
Eggplant Wizard: Forget the food! This is the chance of a lifetime!
King Hippo: FORGET THE FOOD?!
Eggplant Wizard: Don't you get it? If Link and Zelda are coming here, there won't be anyone left on Hyrule but their flunkies!
King Hippo: They'll give us food?
Eggplant Wizard: No, banana brains! The alarm's been turned off! We can steal the Triforce for ourselves!
King Hippo: Then we can make Ganon's servants give us food!
"Oh, boy! Next to vampires, dragon-hunting is my favorite sport!" ~Simon
Lana: But Simon, that's an ironing board.
Simon: Yes, and how appropriate for flattening my competition.
Simon: Who am I?
Kevin: You're Simon Belmont, the vampire hunter.
Simon: No, no, I'm definitely not him. I'd never forget a name like that.
"Thank you, Captain M. And thank you, Kid Licorice, Mega Mutt, Princess Lea, and you too, Puke." ~Simon, after getting amnesia
King Hippo + Eggplant Wizard: The stains of brains stay mainly on the veins.
Mother Brain: I'll stain your brains if you don't get yourselves to Kongoland now!
Lana: We've got to get to CastleVania before it's too late.
Kevin: Yeah, but Simon isn't ready to handle the Count yet.
Simon: Don't be silly. Of course I can handle the count. Watch me. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Need I go on?
Kevin: No. That was terrific, Simon. If there's a math quiz on CastleVania, I'm sure you'll pass.
"The worst part about being a handsome hunk of hero is having to get up early to save the day." ~Simon
Simon: Stop! I belong in the jungle!
Kevin: You belong in a cage, maybe, but not the jungle!
Simon: Hey, cut it out. That tickles.
Lana: What tickles?
Simon: Well, there's a little fish nibbling my toe. That's a naughty little fellow. Simon says stop tickling my toes. (The Swamp Creature pops out.) Oh, I didn't mean it. You can tickle them all you want.
Kevin: Better buckle up, dudes. I don't have my driver's license yet.
Simon: You what?!
Eggplant Wizard: Watch where you're stepping! That's my nose!
King Hippo: Hey! Get your leg outta my bellybutton!
Eggplant Wizard: Don't shoot! I've got a wife and two baby eggplants at home.
Kevin: Don't worry. I'm not gonna fry any eggplant. Just flowers!
Kevin: Looks like Mother Brain's world is finally brain-dead.
Lana: We've done it! VideoLand is free at last!
Mega Man: No more mega monsters attacking in the night!
Pit: No more battles to the maximus!
Simon: And best of all, no more waking up early!
"Good-bye, Captain N. Good luck. Um... must've gotten some flower pollen in my eyes." ~Simon
Mother Brain: As judge, jury, and executioner of VideoLand, I charge to all with conspiracy... to bring peace and freedom to everyone! How do you plead?
Lana: Guilty... and proud of it.
Pit: That goes for me too-icus.
Mega Man: I agree.
Simon: Uh, me too.
Mother Brain: Order in the court!
Eggplant Wizard: Uh, I'll have an eggplant sandwich. Uh, hold the pickles. (Mother Brain bangs her gavel) Okay, okay, uh, I'll hold the pickles!
Mother Brain: Will you shut up?! I hereby sentence you to banishment into the Black Hole Warp Zone!
Lana: The Black Hole Warp Zone?! Oh, but no one's ever come out alive!
Mega Man: The gravity's so great, we'll be squished to no bigger than a grain of sand!
Simon: How dreadful! None of my clothes will fit. No! I'm too handsome to die!
"No, I can't lie anymore. That's not the way it happened at all! Captain N is the real hero. I'm just a big-mouth!" ~Simon
"Boy... what I wouldn't give for my Zapper right now. I'd even be happy with a squirt gun." ~Kevin
Mega Man: Uh, I guess, now that you're back, Your Majesty, you'll be showing all of VideoLand's mega villains who's the boss.
Mirror King: I'll do better than that. I'll invite them all to the party!
Mega Man: Oz? I never heard of that warp zone. Where is it?
Kevin: Uh, in a fantasy land called Hollywood. If you ever visit my world, I'll take you there.
King Hippo: But it's dangerous in [the Palace of Power], Mother Brain.
Eggplant Wizard: Yeah! They eat eggplants for dinner!
Game Boy: Ready for disposal of defective unit.
Eggplant Wizard: Disposal?! No way! Her Ugliness wants to play some games with your brain!
Game Boy: I am programmed to play games!
Eggplant Wizard: Hey! Be careful! I'm an eggplant, not a squash!
"No! Stop him! Eggplant, Hippo, grab that stupid mutt! He's pulling the plug on my beautiful plan!" ~Mother Brain
Kevin: Well, I'm pullin' the plug on this joker until we decide what to do with him.
Simon: I know. Let's lock him up in a closet and throw away the key.
Dragonlord: Get away! Get away!

Comic Book Quotes

"It's always Captain N! He's the cause of all my troubles! They're right, though. Unless I can get rid of that pesky Game Master, my spring offensive will fall flat on its... face." ~Mother Brain
Bigtime: Look at my credentials. Bigtime Brannigan comes with an efficiency rating of 100%!
Mother Brain: True. You are one of the best bounty hunters in the force, Bigtime. Most impressive.
Bigtime: The best.
Zoomer: That's not what I heard. There's a rumor-- (Bigtime fires at Zoomer.) Woo!
Bigtime: I do so hate unsightly lint.
Samus: Now... get out there!
Kraid: Are you kidding!? They'll catch me--I'll be sent to solitary confinement for a month!
Samus: A month in solitary or a month in the hospital... it's your choice.
"What kind of guy do you think I am?" ~Kevin to Samus
Kevin: I'm going.
Samus: Princess Lana would not want you to go.
Kevin: Of course you'd say that. You... like me. You want me to stay.
Samus: True. But if I were the Princess and you left the kingdom defenseless in order to be with me, I would despise you.
Zebes Security: In Mother Brain's name, has your mission been accomplished? Have you obtained... the item?
Merchant One Captain: The "item" is intact... of course. You think we'd show our faces here without it?
Zebes Security: Good point!
"Guess it's time to take a bite out of crime. Boy, crocodile sure tastes awful." ~Kevin as Duke, on biting one of King Hippo's cronies
"Yuck! Some things taste even worse than crocodile." ~Kevin as Duke, after biting King Hippo
"So, Mother Brain, what hologram are we going to hit them with next? Giant lizards? Snapping turtles? Vegetable peelers?!" ~Eggplant Wizard
"Welcome, Game Master--whichever one of you that may be! Heh-heh!" ~Mother Brain
"Too bad, Captain. I was going to save you for last, but first come first serve!" ~Mother Brain
Kevin: Computer! If Tall, Wet, and Ugly over here isn't an enemy... then she won't mind turning over her weapons!
Mother Brain: Put down my... weapons? Why, of course! I'll be delighted to turn over my weapons.
Kevin: Is that all? You must be traveling light today.
"I gave my word to Kevin to protect the Princess. I do not understand why he is so interested in her well-being - she's not half the hero I am! Still, I shall protect her..." ~Samus
Lana: What a dismal place...
Guard: What did you expect, the Pleasure Zone?
"Hold me, Kevin. Hold me until forever comes again." -Samus

Quoternity