Chappelle's Show

"Mad Real World" (February 26, 2003)

• Chad: Tyree, you stabbed my dad! And you had sex with Katie.
  Tyree: Hey man, you got that all wrong. I didn't have sex with Katie. LYSOL had sex with Katie, I just filmed it.
  Katie: No, Tyree. You had sex with me too!
  Tyree: Correction. I had sex with Katie.
  Tron: Hey Chad. I had sex with Katie too, man. (to the camera) Katie's got some big ass tittays.

"Kneehigh Park" (March 24, 2004)

• Girl: Don't give up, Stinky! My dad says if you never give up and you work hard, all your dreams will come true!
  Stinky: That's the gayest shit I've ever heard.

"The Time Haters" (March 31, 2004)

• Silky Johnston: Uh-oh, fellas! Looks as though we have company.
  Slave master: What the hell are you niggers doing out here?
  Silky Johnston: We are the Time Haters. We travelled all the way back through time... to call yuh a cracker.
  Slave master: You better watch your mouth.
  Buck Nasty: Actually you better watch your mouth white boy, before I shove these gators up your ass and show yo' insides some style.
  Slave master: ENOUGH!
  Beautiful: I-I can't be no slave, Silky!
• Buck Nasty: Look Silky, he done pulled out a whip.
  Silky Johnston: Nice whip. This here is a pistol. Reach for the sky, honky!
  Slave: Honky? HONKY?
  Silky Johnston: "Honky" is a racial epithet used for white people. It was made popular by a man named George Jefferson in the 1970s. You see, he and his wife, Weezie, owned a dry-cleaning business, so they moved on up to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. They finally got a piece of the pie. Convoluted story I'll admit, but the point is this... that in the future, all black people will be FREE!
  Slave: When's we gonna be free?
  Silky Johnston: That is a good question my man. How about now-ish?

"Wayne Brady's Show" (April 7, 2004)

• Wayne Brady: I make Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X, huh, motherfucker?

"Black Bush" (April 14, 2004)

• Bush: After carefully examining the region me and my cabinet agree that that area is definitely ripe for regime change...but if I can be real about it?
  Ashcroft: Be real, son.
  Bush: Real?
  Ashcroft: Yo be real real, son.
  Bush: He tried to kill my father, man. I don't play that shit!
  Ashcroft: Yo say word he tried to kill your father, son.
  Bush: (grabbing boom mike from above): THE NIGGA TRIED TO KILL MY FATHER!!

• Bush: I got a coalition of the willing. I got 40 nations ready to roll, son!
  Reporter: Like who?
  Bush: Who the fuck said that? Huh? Huh? Like who? England. Japan's sending Playstations. Stankonia said they are willing to drop bombs over Baghdad. Riggity Row is coming. Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation. So, I'm not doing this by myself, and I'm not disrespecting the UN, even though they don't got no army. Go sell some medicine, bitches! I'm trying to get that oil...[coughs, trying to cover up saying oil] hole!