Chicago (2002 film) Quotations

Chicago is a musical film incorporating various acts inspired by vaudeville and cabaret performances. It follows the stories of Velma Kelly, successful cabaret performer, and Roxie Hart, a housewife who dreams of being a star. Both are accused of murder (Velma of her husband and sister, who she caught in bed together, Roxie of her lover, who attacked her and lied) and find themselves in prison. The two of them vie for the public and media's attention, each trying to escape the noose and win back their fame. Billy Flynn, a brilliant yet sleazy lawyer, takes on their cases, and the musical numbers take place in Roxie's fantasies as she and Velma develop a rivalry and hatred that may cost them both their freedom.

Velma Kelly

My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread-eagles, backflips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show, we're down at the Hotel Cicero; the three of us, boozin'... having a few laughs. And we ran out of ice, so I go out to get some. I come back... open the door... and there's Veronica and Charlie, doing number seventeen: the spread-eagle! Well, I was in such a state of shock! I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing! It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead!

(Singing) Come on babe, why don't we paint the town and all that jazz? I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down, and all that jazz! Start the car, I know a whoopie spot, where the gin is cold and the piano's hot! It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl and all that jazz.

(Listening to a description of Roxie's trial on the radio) She stole my garters! First she steals my publicity, then she steals my lawyer, my trial date, snd now she steals my goddamn garter!

Look, honey, you want some advice? Well, here it is, direct from me to you. Keep your paws off my underwear! Okay?

(Singing) My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop. My sister and I were headed straight for the top. My sister and I made a thou a week at least, but my sister is now unfortunately deceased. I know it's sad, of course, but a fact is still a fact. And now all that remains is the remains of a perfect double act.

(Singing) No, I'm no one's wife, but oh, I love my life and all that jazz.

(Singing) She'd say, "What's your sister like?" I'd say, "Men."

You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is. Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client is... Billy Flynn.

I just can't take it anymore! You can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato!!!!!!! (Mama sits up with her hair dyed like Roxie's) Oh, no, Mama, not you too.

What's your talent; washing and drying?

Roxie Hart

My audience loves me. And I love them. And they love me for lovin' them and I love them for lovin' me. And we love each other. And that's cause none of us got enough love in our childhoods. And that's showbiz, kid.

(Singing) And that's good, isn't it? Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it? Swell, isn't it? Fun, isn't it?

(Singing) You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like. You can even marry Harry, and mess around with Ike!

(At a press conference, protesting her innocence) I bet you want to know why I shot the bastard?

(Singing) Who says that murder's not an art?

I was born on a beautiful Southern convent... oh, holy shit, I'm never gonna get this straight.

And then I started foolin' around... and then I started screwin' around, which is foolin' around without dinner.

This dress makes me look like a Woolworths lamp shade! I'm not wearing this dress!

You were mentioned in the paper today, in the back with the obituaries. 'Velma Kelly's trial has been postponed indefinitely.' Seven words.

You want some advice? Well, here's a piece of advice from me to you: lay off the caramels.

(Velma just sung "I Can't Do It Alone") So where was the part where you blew her brains out??

Amos Hart

(Singing) A human being's made of more than air? With all that bulk you're bound to see 'em there! ...Unless that human bein' next to you, is unimpressive, undistingushed, you... know... who.

(Singing) Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane should'a been my name; Mr Cellophane. 'Cause you can look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I'm there.

(after singing Mr. Cellophane) Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

Billy Flynn

When you came to me, I didn't ask if she was guilty, I didn't ask if she was innocent, I didn't ask if she was a drunk, a dope fiend. No, I asked, did you have five thousand dollars, and you told me yes, but you don't have five thousand dollars so I figure you're a dirty liar and I don't do deals with dirty liars! (Amos reaches out to take back the money) However...

(Singing) Give 'em the old razzle dazzle; razzle dazzle 'em. Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it and the reaction will be passionate. Give 'em the old hocus pocus; bead and feather 'em. How can they see with sequins in their eyes? What if your hinges all are rusting? What if, in fact, you're just disgusting? Razzle dazzle 'em, and they'll never catch wise.

It's all a circus, kid. A three ring circus. These trials - the whole world - all showbusiness. But kid, you're working with a star - the biggest!

They'd love you a lot more if you were hanged. You know why? Because it would sell more papers. That's Chicago.

You're a free woman, Roxie Hart. And God save Illinois.

This is Chicago, kid. You can't beat fresh blood on the walls.

I don't like to blow my own horn, but if Jesus Christ lived in Chicago today, and he had come to me and he had five thousand dollars, let's just say things would have turned out differently.

Matron 'Mama' Morton

As you know I'm here to take care of you. Now if anything hurts you, or upsets you in any way... don't run your fat-ass mouth off to me cause I don't give a shit. Now move out.

(Singing) The folks atop the ladder are the ones the world adores. So boost me up my ladder kid, and I'll boost you up yours!

(Singing) Let's all stroke together, like the Princeton crew. When you're strokin' Mama, Mama's strokin' you!

Sometimes you get a little success, and it's good riddance to who put you there.

(Singing) Ask any of the chickies in my pen, they'll tell you I'm the biggest mother... hen.

(Having been asked what the cost of a phonecall is) Come on, Vel, you know how I feel about you. You're like family to me, one of my own. ...I'll do it for fifty.

In this town, murder's a form of entertainment.

Dialogue

Roxie: But he was trying to burgle me!

Harrison: From what I hear, he's been 'burgling' you three times a week for the past month.

Roxie: Yeah, I killed him! And I'd kill him again!

Harrison: Once was enough, dearie. Take her downtown!

Mama: You'll be staying in E Block. Murdereress' Row, we like to call it.

Roxie: Oh... is that nicer?

Roxie: Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Mama: You're talking to the wrong people.

Roxie: God, that's beautiful!

Billy: Cut out God; stay where you're better accquainted.

Ms.Sunshine: Are you sorry?

Roxie: Are you kidding?

Reporter: Would you like to give us a word or two?

Kitty: I'll give you three - GO TO HELL!

Billy: (Roxie has claimed to be pregnant and has been examined) Well, is she or isn't she?

Doctor: (flustered) She is.

Billy: I see. And would you swear to that in court?

Doctor: Yes.

Billy: Good. Button your fly.

Amos: Laugh, why would they laugh?

Billy: 'Cause they can count. Can you count?

Billy: I OBJECT!!!!!!!

Judge: Sustained.

Harrison: Your Honor, I haven't asked a question yet!

Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Velma: And then some.

Billy: I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and,and, and... and illegal search without a warrant!

Roxie: (outraged) Yeah! And she broke the lock!

Billy: Miss Kelly, did you make a deal with Assistant D.A. Harrison to drop all charges against you in exchange for your testimony?

Velma: Why, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.

Roxie: It'll never work.

Velma: Why not?

Roxie: Because I hate you.

Velma: There's only one business where that's no problem at all.

Velma: Me and Roxie would just like to say thank you!

Roxie: Thank you! Believe us, we could never have done it without you!

Roxie and Velma: (singing) And all... that... jazz!!!!!!! (spoken) That jazz!

Quoternity