Clerks II Quotations

Dante Hicks

"Porch Monkey" is a racial slur against black people!

What'd you do that for? You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a threeway with us now, don't you?

You never go ass to mouth!

Randal Graves

You ever see a chick give a mule a blowjob?

Shit! Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck when my mom's home? (After the QuickStop burned down)

Down time's important. If I had to deal with all the fucking mouth-breathers all day without a break I'd put my head in the deep frier... balls too.

Alright, look. There's only one Return, ok, and it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi.

Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons! (To Elias and Hobbit Lover)

[re: the term "Porch Monkey"] It's cool. I'm taking it back.

May your first child be a masculine one! (To Becky)

Shut the fuck up, GoBot! (Towards Elias, completely razzing on his love for Transformers)

My Grandmother wasn't racist...although she did once refer to a broken beer bottle as a "nigger knife".

One semester we took criminology for God's sake! Criminology! Who the fuck are we studying to be, Batman? (To Dante when discussing their short time in College)

I'd buy the QuickStop and re-open it myself! That's what I'd do! (Randal's "big idea")

[to Dante] You're my best friend, and I love you...in a totally heterosexual way. Please don't leave me.

[to Dante] Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me.

Oh, then man, you must love this fucking guy 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. 'I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me.' And the fucking insane part is he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about and even Anne-fucking-Frank can see that she's nuts about him, God knows why. And she likes you for who you are man, she ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking C.H.U.D. of a kid. Jesus if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep, and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass.

The best part of this job is all the barely-legal pussy that comes through that door, and they all look up to me because I have a drivers license.Its awesome.

[to Elias] Then you must be as blind as Anne Frank, because what's the point of having an internet connection if your not using it to look at weird fucked up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?

Becky

I'm telling you this only because I am your friend. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.
I'm disgusted, and repulsed, and...I can't look away... (referring to the Donkey show)

Emma

Him is so cute! Him thinkin' again, huh?

Now, if you don't get the fuck outta here and let me spend some quality time with my man, next I'm gonna show you my pooter.

Jay

You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah...I'd be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form...and fuck it. And people'd be like..."There he goes; homeboy fucked a Martian once."

Oh! (Just as he hears Goodbye Horses)

That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

HEY some picklefucker just gave us free eats!

Would you fuck me?... I'd fuck me... I'd fuck me hard... (Quoting The Silence of the Lambs)

Did you know Jesus was a Jew?

Hey, hey, the Holy fucking Bible, son!

...Lord? (after hearing Becky who was on the rooftop)

[in front of the "Eat Pussy" graffiti] Oh, we totally do.

If you're gonna jump let me have a crack at that pussy first...let me find out.

[To both Dante and Randal] Jesus, why don't you guys fuck and get it over with?

[after teen asks for a Nickel Bag, singing] "15 bucks, little man. Put that shit in my hand!"

[in jail cell] "Nong"

Silent Bob

I got nothin'.
[to Jay in prison] You know what man, that hurts- what do you ever add to the fuckin' proceedings? You got one answer for everything, "pussy!"
[In deleted scene to Jay] I just think you're a gay man in denial! Go fuck yourself!

Elias

I hope that donkey doesn't have a hiney troll!

What's sexier than an elf princess's sword?

At Bible Camp we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

Are you looking for a good transformers site? Because at cars2bots.com you can get an avatar of your picture morphed to look like a robot.

Well at least you spelled "cock" right this time.

Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?

[Drunk whilst watching the donkey show] I have a huge boner right now.

[Masterbating to the donkey show] I'm sorry Jesus!

Other

Concerned Father: Don't look at his wee-wee.

Gawking Guy: That's not very hygenic. That's all I'm gonna tell you.

Sexy Stud: Hey fucko! We like to call it inter-species erotica.

Lance Dowds: Gobots are like the K-Mart Transformers.

Lance Dowds: Randal Graves, you work here too? Jesus, anyone else from our graduating class back there?

Husband: Baby, you can't taste racism!

Sexy Stud: Ooh, cake!

Elias: [After receiving an order for onion rings] One ring to rule them all.

Lord Of The Rings Fan: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, 'cause he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right? (in a robotic monotone): "Danger, danger, my name is Anakin, my shitty acting is ruining saga."

Dialogue

[The Quick Stop has just burned down]

Randal Graves: Terrorists?

[Dante stares at him before shaking his head]

Randal Graves: I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?

[Dante nods]

Randal Graves: Shit! Now where am I going to bring chicks to fuck when my mom's home?

[Dante stares at him]

Teen 1: Hey, man, you holding?

Jay: Shit, everything but coke, heroin, and your cock.

Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this because you have an unnaturally large clit?

Emma: [To Dante] You just had to tell him, didn't you?

Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day.

Randal Graves: He says it's so big, it's almost like a little cock; which says all sorts of things about him that I don't even want to think about.

Dante Hicks: You wouldn't want to be with a girl with an oversized clit?

Randal Graves: No, 'cause the next stop's a guy with an undersized dick.

Randal Graves: Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy; they're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: Oh. My. God.

Randal Graves: What?

Dante Hicks: Are you serious?

Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth!

Randal Graves: It's never my idea. These young chicks today get all horned up and they tell you to go ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth, Randal!

Randal Graves: You sound like my mom. [To Becky, who has just walked in] Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?

Becky: You never go ass-to-mouth.

Randal Graves: You've never gone ass-to-mouth?

Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.

Becky: I've never gone ass-to-mouth.

Randal Graves: Not even once?

Becky: Not even ever.

Randal Graves: You're both so repressed. [To Becky] Look, I know you've given a blow job, right?

Becky: [Sigh] I haven't even put my purse down yet.

Randal Graves: That's a "yes". [To Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks.

Becky: What's your point?

Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss them, right? That's just like going ass-to-mouth.

Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.

Randal Graves: [Scoffs] And?

Becky: Have you restocked all the napkin holders?

Randal Graves: That's an Elias job.

Becky: That comparison of pink and browneyes just made it a Randal job.

Elias: Zing!

Randal Graves: Shut the fuck up, Go-Bot!

Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

Randal Graves: No, sir. They are not a gift from God; they are an unholy curse from The Beast We Call The Desolate One.

Elias: I don't really wanna hear this, Randal.

Randal Graves: [approaches Elias slowly] The First of The Fallen, The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!

Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal!

Randal Graves: [grabs the drive-thru microphone] Let me help you outta your chair, grandma!

Jay: [jumps in through Drive-Thru window behind Elias, scaring him] Grandma, what was it like/To be on that holiday site?

Randal Graves: Late at night, I awoke from my--

Jay: Sleep/Hearing unknown voices--

Jay/Randal: Laughing insane!

[Elias tries to run away, but the headset, still attached to his ears, yanks him back and slams him hard to the ground]

Elias: I've turned down chicks left and right!

Randal Graves: Your chicks are your left and right.

Randal Graves: Let me tell you something; if Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, then he would've ended the third one on the logical closure point, not the 25 endings that followed.

Elias: What's the logical closure point?

Hobbit Lover: Yeah, friend...enlighten us.

Randal Graves: When fuckin' Frito wakes up from his coma or whatever, and all the little hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed, then Sam leans in through the doorway and gives him that very fucking gay look.

Elias: NOT the Rings, Randal! Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this!

Hobbit Lover: I am going to kick your ass back to the Shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.

Randal Graves: That look was so gay I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.

Hobbit Lover: Hey, faggot, they're not gay. They're hobbits.

Randal Graves: And then right after the Sam-Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fuckin' flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Dante Hicks: Ow!

Randal Graves: You swung at me!

Dante Hicks: You ducked!

Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!

Becky:: I had to serve a guy I blew after Junior Prom.

Randal Graves: I've served your brother, too. Neh.

Randal Graves:: I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard that I made this supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias go clean it up?

Dante Hicks: In the closet with the rest of the cleaning products.

Randal Graves: We have cleaning products?

[In the altered version of the prison scene]

Dante Hicks: "Yeah right do you know how much that would cost? Fifty thousand dollars easy."

Jay: "We have that kind of money."

Dante Hicks: "How'd you guys make that kind of money selling weed in front of the Quick Stop?"

Jay: "We got movie money."

[Confused look on Randal and Dantes faces]

Jay:"What the fuck, man?! Doesn't anyone remeber they made a movie based on me and Silent Bob?!"

Becky: [Teaching Dante how to dance] Ok, now we need some music.

[Walks to the side of roof]

Becky: Hey! Twelve Step! Jay!

Jay: [Looks up, puzzled] Lord?

Becky: Up here, jackass!

Jay: What the fuck are you doin' up there? Yo, if you're going to jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first. Lemme find out.

Becky: You still have your boombox?

[Silent Bob nods and shows it to her]

Becky: Play something and turn it way up. Something danceable.

[to Dante]

Becky: Ok, just wait for the music.

[King Diamond begins to play]

Jay, Silent Bob: [Headbanging and mosh dancing]

Becky: Something a little less demonic please!

Dante: I need two Eggamooby Muffins and i'm almost outta Hash Browns.

Randal: Hold on...

Dante: [To the microphone] Now, Randal!

Dante: What are you writing over there anyway? Your memoirs?

Randal: I'm battlin' this jackass on his blog's message board.

Dante: About what?

Randal: About how he's got too much free time and no life.

Dante: Says the guy who's flaming him on his website.

Randal: I can't help it, the guy pisses me off. It's this fuck in a wheelchair that's always preying on everyone's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how "he'll never walk again" and how "walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs."

Dante: That diatribe as you call it sounds like some poor cripple guy pouring out his heart and feelings.

Randal: Oh, fuck him, man! Trying to guilt me into walkin' around more because he's all gimped out. What kind of mind-fuck is that shit? So I've been getting into it with him, throwin' it back in his stupid crippy boy face about how I love to just sit around and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk.

Dante: The guy's in a wheelchair!

Randal: Yeah, that's why I called him "crippy boy."

Elias: [removing a smoking black basket of fries] I don't think these look right.

Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!

Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!

Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What, does a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home!

Becky: Are you out of your fucking mind?

Randal: What? What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say "Porch Monkey"?

Becky: Oh, I don't know. Since forever!

Randal: Why?

Dante: Because "Porch Monkey" is a racial slur against black people!

Randal: No, it's not! "Nigger" is!

Dante: Randal!

Elias: Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?

Becky: Shut up, Elias!

Randal: I didn't just call Dante a nigger. I just said that "nigger" is a racial slur.

Dante: So is "Porch Monkey"!

Randal: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, mooley, jigaboo, nig-nog--those are racial slurs! "Porch money" isn't!

Jay: Wow, that guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

Dante: Uh, Randal!

Randal: Where the fuck's the chick?

Randal: Yo, Freddie-fucking-Mercury! Where's Kelly?

Sexy Stud: [gesturing to the donkey] Right here.

Randal: I thought that's the Sexy Stud?

Sexy Stud: I'm the Sexy Stud.

Randal: But this donkey's a dude!

Sexy Stud: Kelly can be a guy's name too. Hey!

Randal: So, do I, uh, get to meet Kelly before the show or what?

Sexy Stud: Nah.

Sexy Stud: Kelly likes privacy before show time. But after the show, if you want, for an extra $500, you can fuck Kelly.

Randal: Really? Sweet.

Sexy Stud: Yeah. So, where we doing this thing?

Randal: Oh, right inside the restaurant.

Sexy Stud: You're kidding.

Randal: Not spacious enough?

Sexy Stud: No, it's plenty spacious. Just kind of weird, isn't it?

Randal: Kind of weird? You're in the bestiality business, dude.

Sexy Stud: Hey, fuck-o! We like to call it inter-species erotica.

Randal: Intriguing.

Cast

Brian O'Halloran - Dante

Jeff Anderson - Randal

Rosario Dawson - Becky

Trevor Ferhman - Elias

Jason Mewes - Jay

Kevin Smith - Silent Bob

Jennifer Schwalbach Smith - Emma

Jason Lee - Lance Dowds

Quoternity