Consolevania

This page contains quotes from the internet-distributed Television show, Consolevania.

Recurring Quotes

Legend: I'm the American XBox Live champion. I beat LisaSimpson45 in a MechAssault deathmatch.

Legend: Don't worry - it's only a coat-hanger with a microphone on the end.

Mr Kenny: I'll show you how it's fuckin' done.

Review of Castlevania: Lament of Innocence

• Mr. Robert: And remember, this is a game in direct competition with the worst kind of competition a game can possibly have: itself in the past.
• Mr. Robert: Never has a camera felt so obvious - it's as if this game has been shot by some director who likes using cameras built for people with giant hands made of ham.
• Mr. Robert: For every 3D update that gets its wings, a 2D classic dies.

Legend Interview 1

• Legend:Do you play XBox Live at all?
  Interviewee: No
  Legend (to the camera): No, he doesn't XBox live-
  Interviewee (interrupting): My living room isn't big enough to have an XBox in it.
• Legend: Sega or Nintendo?
  Interviewee: Sega, definitely.
  Legend: PlayStation or XBox?
  Interviewee: PlayStation.
  Legend: Pussy or Ass?
  Interviewee: Ass.
  Legend: Ass...that's my kinda guy.

Review of Morrowind

• Mr. Ryan: The fact is the most dangerous foe you're up against in this game are those invincible invisible giant bugs that conspire to ruin the gaming experience, by trapping your leg in a mountain or throwing you outta a room through a wall and into a black expanse of nothingness, or my particular favourite - deviously intercepting your saved game and scrubbing it from the hard drive and not even having the decency to scream I LIKE IT! in your face.

Legend Interview 2

• Legend (to Female Interviewee): Are you old enough to wear makeup?
  Female Interviewee: Yes, I'm 16.
  Male Interviewee (to Legend): How old do you have to be to wear makeup, brother?
  Legend (to Male Interviewee): I dunno, how old were you when you started?
• Legend (to Male Interviewee 2, who is dressed in a pink lycra top and wearing pigtails): What's your name?
  Male Interviewee 2: William.
  Legend: And do you play video games? It looks as though you do, son. You gotta play some kinda games.

Review of Siren

• Mr. Robert: The magic of a show like Consolevania is that it's for people who already know their stuff. So, you don't need us to tell you that Siren comes from the mind of the fellas behind Silent Hill. You don't need us to tell you that it's already garnered a solid reputation, with import forums ablaze with details of it's tense set pieces. You don't need us to tell you that it's a game about ten people trying to survive in a village overrun by people tainted by a stream that now runs blood red. But you see we've told you anyway in a round-about way that makes you feel clever - see how that works?
• Mr. Robert: Siren makes fun sound look like a dirty word, like the way beef sounds like a dirty word on Saturday night.

Consolevania Wrestling Foundation

• Commentator: Kawada struggling to lift for the German suplex! Looked like me trying to lift Giant Baba's daughter into bed. She's giant in all the right places.

Review of Bujingai

• Mr. Robert: There's no need for me to go long-winded here and keep you hanging for what I think of this game because I wanna shout it from the rooftops like a lesbian.

Legend Interview 3

• Legend: What's your highscore on Radiant Silvergun?
  Interviewee: errr...I've never played it
  Legend: You've never played Radiant Silvergun? I can't believe that. What do you think of the control system in Gigantic Drive on the PS2?
• Interviewee 2: What else do you do in Milwaukee apart from play XBox?
  Legend: We play games and errr...I like hunting.
  Interviewee 2: Hunting?
  Legend: Yeah.
  Interviewee 2: What do you hunt?
  Legend: Deer.
  Interviewee 2: Do you kill them?
  Legend: I shoot them.
  Interviewee 2: Well, that's not very nice.

Legend Interview 1

• Legend (to Interviewee): You don't look like a games player, you look like you got a masturbater's hands.

Review of Glass Rose

• Mr. Robert: If there's one thing I can't stand it's spoilers. You know, like when someone told you that Cloud has sex with Sephiroth at the end of Final Fantasy VII.

• Mr. Robert: It's the perfect game to play at the beach - if you have a long enough extension cord and you manage to get your wide-screen telly on the plane.

Review of Kya

• Mr. Ryan: Is it in any way right or fair to compare a 3D platformer with the 2D elite? No, you're fucking right it isn't. And watch your language - my parents are watching this.

Legend Interview 2

• Legend: Talk to me about [DoDonpachi]
  Interviewee 1: *laughs*
  Legend: Talk to me about DoDonpachi, c'mon!
  Interviewee 1: Who's he..
  Legend: What's your best score on DoDonpachi?
  Interviewee 1: What is that? Pacman?
  Legend: Yeah, pretty much Pacman, yeah.

• Legend: I want you to go home, you turn on Ridge Racer, you get your Time Attack on and you come back and you tell me what your best Time Attack time is!
  Interviewee 1: Will you tell me where my pals are?
  Legend: Your pals are gone! This is what this has all been, it's a ruse. My friends come up in a van and pull your friends inside! We take them off the road - we go huntin' with them.

• Legend: Ridge Racer - what's your best Time Attack time?
  Interviewee 2: What's my what?
  Legend: Your best Time Attack time in Ridge Racer?
  Interviewee 2: What's a Tommatic Tonne?

Hitler vs GAME

• Hitler: That's what I excpect from those shysters. Go in there as a good fee-paying customer, get treated like a war criminal.

Review of Biohazard: Outbreak

• Mr. Robert: There's near-view puzzles to solve, but since Resident Evil's puzzles are about as appealing as an old-age pensioner covering her fanny with a crossword book, we're not gonna worry too much about that.

• Mr. Robert: You have a choice of eight character so there's every chance you'll find one that appeals to you, or at least looks like you. That's why I've chosen Jim, 'cause I'm black with blond hair and I'm a postman.

Legend Interview 3

• Interviewee: You from New York?
  Legend: I'm from Milwaukee.
  Interviewee: Milwaukee?
  Legend: Yeah...where are you from?
  Interviewee: I'm from Canada.
  Legend: You're not from Canada - I heard you talkin' over there.
  Interviewee: What did I sound like?
  Legend: I dunno.

Review of Romance of the Three Kingdoms VIII

• Mr. Robert: When you've spent hours upon hours training up your special attacks in the barracks in town or spent days tracking some lone warrior across the land, inviting him to banquets and buying him gifts just so he'll join your army, the battle mode takes on great importance. When that same warrior leads your troops into a trap and suffers confusion for the entire battle you feel that way you felt when you took that bird to the pictures and McDonalds and didn't even get your boabie tickled.

• Mr. Robert: If you'll let me put my wank hat on for a moment...

Review of .hack//INFECTION

• Mr. Ryan: ...and I'm using the inverted commas motion with my fingers here folks when I say "story"...

Legend Interview 4

• (Woman jumps around behind the interviewees trying to get noticed) Legend: If you're gonna do that at least show your breasts, please. That's not good enough.

Review of Syberia II

• Mr. Robert: Syberia II thankfully doesn't expect you to solve many problems of the bizarrely illogical 'combine-plastic-cactus-with-baby's-nappy variety.

Review of Driv3r

• Mr. Ryan: This game is fucking rubbish. Absolutely terrible.
• Mr. Ryan: I haven't seen this much fucking pop-up since bedtime when I was three.

Review of Showdown: Legends of Wrestling

• Mr. Robert: This is the third Legends of Wrestling game. It's a series that has been getting progressively better. So we positive minded people at Consolevania are gonna cut it a lot of slack. A lot of slack. We're talking Briana Banks' arse kinda slack.
• Mr Robert: Nostalgia is a powerful thing. We know this from the amount of people that claim that Transformers are good.

Review of Full Spectrum Warrior

• Mr. Ryan: If this game is to be believed then the US Army apparently only have one tactic.

End of Level Boss and Mid-Level Sub Boss

• End of Level Boss: You will always make dinner! Why? Because you have inferior attack pattern.
• End of Level Boss: Time means nothing when you have superior attack patterns! Now phone me a pizza! Is it there yet?

John Gacy's Kiddies Corner

• John Gacy: Hi folks. My name's John Gacy, that's right the serial kil- games reviewer.
• John Gacy: Shut up will ya! I told you I let you out, when Duke Nukem Forever comes out!

Peter Molyneux

• Molyneux: You know, the problem with you boys...you're bored with excitement, whereas my games - they surely show you how to be excited by boredom.

Legend Interview 1

• Legend: Big game coming out soon, it's called Bang Bus: The videogame. Are you gonna be buying that game? Very controversial.

Girls: Yeah, definitely

Review of Winning Eleven 8

• Mr Robert: And what happens when you put too many cherries on a cake? The cake suffers from fuckin' slowdown... Okay,maybe the cake analogy isn't really workin' very well, but you see what I mean.

Review of Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay

• Mr Ryan: Christ, it's been four episodes in and I'm beginning to sound like I don't actually like games but I do though, honest, honest I do

Christmas Special

• Kenny: Ye no gonna thank me fur yer present, ya fat poofs?
• John Gacy: I'm John Gacy- I'm Santa Claus. Your favourite serial kille- your favourite games reviewe- your favourite benevolent old man who delivers gifts at Christmas.

Review of Overblood

• Mr. Ryan: Never more so than during one of the very, very few fight scenes do you feel like you're playing a game that's being held together by nothing more than the sheer willpower of the programmers.