Coupling Quotations

Coupling is a sitcom that aired on BBC from 2000 to 2004. It was written by Steven Moffat.

Flushed [1.1]

Sally: Remember: every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since 30 I have had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity.

Jeff: Steve, do you know what I call this kind of woman? You know, the type you "can't get rid of."

Steve: Is this gonna be really tasteless? Am I gonna be ashamed to be your friend?

Jeff: It's a technical term. It's just a harmless expression...

Steve: Hit me.

Jeff: "Unflushable!"

Steve: Turn around, Jeff; walk away!

Jeff: You know, because they keep bobbing around...

Steve: No, no, no, Jeff! GO! GO! ...Don't look back. GO!

Susan: I want you all to know, I intend this breast satirically.

Size Matters [1.2]

Jeff: I mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to take them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That’s the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.

Jeff: [drunk] It must be a lot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.

Howard: And why is that?

Jeff: If you're gay, see... if you're gay, masturbation is practice. Y'know, you can have a good old practice on your own, and then later, when you're ready, when you've got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's. It's a piece of piss.... See, it's different... it's different when you're a straight bloke. When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. Gays have their own practice kit, but you don't get any practice women. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in 'em!

Howard: That's a very good point, actually.

Sally: No it's not, it's homophobic, you stupid queer!

Jane: Hello! There's no such thing as homophobia, just people-phobia!

Sally: Patrick, what do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?

Patrick: Men?

Sex, Death and Nudity [1.3]

Jane: I'm not trying to lure you back into bed with my dead aunt!

Patrick: You can’t prevent death with face cream.

Sally: Yeah? That’s what everyone thinks, but no-one’s ever used it in the quantities I do.

Patrick: What's a giggle loop?

Jeff: Don't ask! To know about the giggle loop is to become part OF the giggle loop!

Inferno [1.4]

Steve: I don't know if she has seen the tape. And if she has seen it, what does she think? That I'm some kind of masturbating pervert?

Jeff: You are.

Patrick: We all are.

Steve: True.

Jill: [about the film Lesbian Spank Inferno] How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?

Steve: Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them! We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal, we're already enjoying the view. Look, it's the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a bloke is. And if you don't like it, darling, join the film collective. Look: I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of the table here. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a boy is. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of - hey! - naked bottoms. We've turned the Internet into an enormous international database of... naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not so sure how insulted you really ought to be.

Jane: I'm an emotional vegetarian. I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films.

The Girl with Two Breasts [1.5]

Jeff: I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere... I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.

Jeff: Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind?... Make all women telepathic because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they'd kill us all on the spot. Men are not people. We are disgustoids in human form!

Steve: Well, how'd it go?

Jeff: She's leaving the country, doesn't speak English, I insulted her friend's breasts and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.

Steve: Well, you've had worse.

The Cupboard of Patrick's Love [1.6]

Jeff: You know, when I was a kid, I used to write the word "naked" hundreds of times on a bit of paper and then rub my face in it. It's better than sex.

Sally: "Room in your cupboard for one more"? You said that?

Jane: Yeah. I really thought I'd gone to his house, you know, to "heal our spiritual divide," but it turns out I was just gagging for a shag. Those two are so similar!

The Man With Two Legs [2.1]

Patrick: There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?

Jeff: Yeah.

Patrick: And you haven't had sex with her?

Jeff: No.

Patrick: You see my problem?

Steve: Let me explain, Patrick. Here on Earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call conversation. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.

Patrick: Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.

Steve: Well, do the women talk too?

Patrick: [pause] Well, they must do.

Jane: I've always wanted to date a gyneacologist. I want to know I'm special.

Jeff: But what about my legs, Steve? She's bound to count them eventually!

My Dinner in Hell [2.2]

Steve: You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.

[Patrick doesn't realize a sculpture of his penis was actually for a sex toy]

Steve: I think you may have been had, mate.

Jeff: And a lot more often than you realize.

Her Best Friend's Bottom [2.3]

[Steve is relating the fact that he accidentally saw Sally naked]

Jeff: So, how was it?

Steve: It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.

Sally: Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.

Steve: What are they [cushions] for?

Store Manager: You sit on them.

Steve: Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!

Jane: It's... you know, padding.

Steve: Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!

Susan: Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!

The Melty Man Cometh [2.4]

Steve: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?

Jeff: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?

Steve: [snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."

Jeff: You never called her "baby" before.

Steve: You've never called anyone "baby" before.

Jeff: So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.

Steve: Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!

Jeff: The engines cut. They can't take it.

Steve: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.

Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.

Steve: "Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"

Jeff: [hand goes down] Pufff.

Patrick: [with terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?

Steve: ["duh!" voice] We don't.

Jeff: I haven't had sex in years.

Steve: It's just not possible anymore.

Jeff: We are followers of the Melty Man.

Steve: And you're one of us now.

Patrick: There is no connection between my dick and my brain!

Jane: You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.

Sally: You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.

Jane: Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.

Jane and the Truth Snake [2.5]

Jane: I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.

Steve: This week's top tip from Children's Hour.

Jeff: Do you know what arses are, Patrick? Arses are the human race's favourite thing. We like them on each other, we like them on magazine covers, we even like them on babies! When it itches, we like to scratch them, when its cold, we like to warm them, and who among us, in a lonely moment hasn't reached back for a discreet fondle? When God gave us our arses he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. Cause when God made the arse he didn't say "Hey it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early." He said "Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name!"

Jane: I'm reporting traffic, there's bound to be casualties!

Gotcha [2.6]

Steve: Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!

Sally: Did you know that your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon, they're going to have to cut a hole in the veil!

Jeff: Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don’t you? I don’t mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. "Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going?"

Dressed [2.7]

Jeff: You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the VAA: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight back to base camp.

Patrick: [on inventing a fake marriage] What choice did I have? I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay!

Jeff: [as Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?

Steve: It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!

Jeff: Naked?

Steve: Completely! She's only got her coat!

Jeff: Can I speak to her? [he takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.

Jane: [bewildered] Hi, Jeff...

Jeff: [grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [he walks off]

Jane: Jeff?

Steve: Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.

Naked [2.8]

Sally: It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.

Steve: You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?

Jeff: I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'?

Steve: Well...not being called Jeffery.

Jeff: 'Oh Jeffery' Always so disapointed.

Jeff: I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.

Steve: I'm sure you always... lend a hand.

Jeff: Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"

The End of the Line [2.9]

Jeff: You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex.

Steve: Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.

Jeff: You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.

Jane: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.

Sally: But you're Jane.

Jane: Kinda stuck. It's a long story.

Patrick: Julia's pants... are they really tiny?

Jeff: You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!

Patrick: Jeff?

Jeff: Yeah?

Patrick: They spread.

Jeff: What?

Patrick: Pants. They spread, and grow.

Steve: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.

Patrick: You start off with that sexy little thong...

Steve: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.

Jeff: [scared] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.

Steve: Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

[Jeff and Patrick stare at him]

Steve: Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.

Split [3.1]

Jeff: Women remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own.

Sally: You've always got to send a man a book when you split up, to prove how you're a caring, giving person, and how they're going to die in a pit of their own filth.

Susan: [Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day – the very same day – I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men – and I don't mean to generalise – are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realise that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an inducement! "No pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all humankind!" That's harrassment! But you know what? Do you know what's even more crap than men? WE are more crap than men! All those stupid books you guys had and... and these magazines! A hundred pages of "Men are useless bastards" and an article on why you should wake them up with a blow job! Am I alone on spotting the inconsistency here? And these places [beauty parlours] 'cause, for God's sake, don't let them see what we really look like! Just let them enjoy the results; don't let them see how it all happens.

Jane: You know... I went out with Steve for six years...

Susan: No, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.

Jane: Oh... well it seemed longer.

Susan: Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week; it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?

Sally: Eggs.

Faithless [3.2]

Steve: Look, it is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. Which is very unfair. Because you always know what we want.

Patrick: Yeah, because we always have the common decency to only ever want one thing. And do you ever thank us for making it so simple? Never.

Patrick: [on the phone to Jeff] We have our advisors online.

Steve: [pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.

Susan: This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.

Patrick: [on the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.

Steve: He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.

Sally: Why doesn't he know already?

Steve: Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.

Susan: Need any help translating THAT one?

Sally: These are my ovaries

Susan: Please come inside.

Patrick: [on the phone to Jeff] Careful, Jeff, she's packin' ovaries!

Unconditional Sex [3.3]

Jeff: I have a girlfriend!

Wilma: So you keep saying, so why are you here?

Jeff: Well, I-I-I just...

Wilma: She really does exist, this girlfriend?

Jeff: Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence. [beat] Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that.

Susan: I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick."

Steve: Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent.

Susan: The deterrent?

Steve: Well, yeah. You know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace.

Susan: Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War.

Steve: Which, may I remind you, really lasted.

Susan: So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction?

Steve: Oh, among many other things.

Jeff: I'm not bad. I've never been bad... I'm fairly new to mild naughtiness.

Remember This [3.4]

Sally: I don't want to look great. I want to look thin.

Jeff: You know jelly-wrestling... which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it... OK, well, think about this. Afterwards, after the wrestling, what happens to the jelly? Because you could sell that. That is a missed opportunity. You could bottle it and sell it... You take the women out first, obviously.

The Freckle, the Key and the Couple Who Weren't [3.5]

Jeff: [Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewellery.

Steve: You what?

Jeff: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item.

Steve: Right?

Jeff: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewellery...

Steve: No, no, Jeff please. "Normally"... has never been used in the sentence before.

Jeff: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover.

Steve: OK.

Jeff: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take its course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewellery box.

Steve: I see.

Susan: Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. No matter which way you turn, they're still facing you.

The Girl with One Heart [3.6]

Jeff: Sally could be a lesbian! ...It could happen! She could be having a shower maybe. and probably Jane would be there. And she might happen to say, "Jane, could you help me soap my breasts?" "Your breasts, Sally?" "Yes, Jane, it's those tricky undersides." "Oh, I know what you mean, Sally, breasts can be a real dirt-trap."

[Susan has removed the lock from the bathroom door, and doesn't understand why Steve is so upset about it]

Susan: Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about?

Steve: [slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, what in the name of God's arse is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this... fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgement. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.

[pause]

Susan: Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?

Steve: Would you mind?

Susan: You should have asked.

[Jeff solves the toilet door problem by using a wedge to keep the door shut]

Jeff: Area secure, 007.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps [3.7]

Susan: Have you phoned Sally yet?

Patrick: No.

Susan: Well phone her soon, Patrick. Or, no offence, I'll rip your throat out.

Patrick: Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic...ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right.

Sally: I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly-Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid arse. I want you.

Patrick: For God's sakes, Sally.

Sally: What? What?!

Patrick: I was talking about me!

Sally: I'm sor – You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever?

Patrick: [gesturing to self] Well, yes!

Susan: [after announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.

Nine and a Half Minutes [4.1]

[Oliver approaches Susan who is holding a breast pump]

Oliver: Is that yours?

Susan: Yes.

Oliver: Is is specially adapted for really tiny puppies?

Susan: Piss off.

Oliver: Craziness!

Nightlines [4.2]

Sally: Look, when I said have a baby... I didn't mean, I just meant... socially!

Patrick: Socially?

Sally: To tea.

Patrick: Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish.

Susan: Don't say that!

Steve: Hormones!

Susan: Bollocks!

Patrick: Doesn't this all seem a little early?

Sally: Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal.

Steve: You've already got a cat.

Sally: Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!

Steve: You went out and pulled a pregnant woman. What were you thinking?

Patrick: Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."

Sally: She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!

Steve: Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!

Bed Time [4.3]

Oliver: Do you know how long it's been since I've had sex?

Patrick:Two years.

Oliver:[a little affronted]Seven months.

Steve: Bed theives are operating in your area. Secure all doors and windows and make a large pile of raggy dolls in the centre of your duvet.

Circus of the Epidurals [4.4]

[Steve, Patrick, and Oliver are at an ante-natal class]

Steve: Right, the question of pain relief.

Patrick: Yes

Oliver: Absolutely.

Steve: Sorted.

Oliver: So how are we supposed to pad this out?

Steve: [Looks over at Susan] I suppose we could discuss the diferent methods.

Patrick: Drugs.

Oliver: Yeah, drugs.

Steve: Sorted.

The Naked Living Room [4.5]

Jane: Actually I prefer videos.

Oliver: What?

Jane: I prefer porn in video form, it's more realistic. Do you have any of those?

Nine and a Half Months [4.6]

Patrick: Sometimes a man is faced with the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. And he only misses by one.

Oliver: Sex is cancelled. Sorry, sex is off the menu. Sorry everyone, we were expecting a delivery about now, but we were let down. Sorry madam, can't fix your sex life today, don't have the parts... okay, forget that last one.

Sally: Did you sleep with Jane?

Patrick: Now, before I say anything that will confirm or deny that fact, yes I did. [quickly realising what he has just said] Damn it!

Cast

Sarah Alexander - Susan Walker
Gina Bellman - as Jane Christie
Kate Isitt - Sally Harper
Jack Davenport - Steve Taylor
Ben Miles - Patrick Maitland
Richard Coyle - Jeff Murdock (series 1 - 3)
Richard Mylan - Oliver Morris (series 4)

Quoternity