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Dead Like Me

Pilot

[The camera closes in on cubicle land, where a teenage girl with a dull expression listens to her headset.]
George: [voiceover] That's me. I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you… but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C equals A, or… whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed.
[Cut to a guy robbing a convenience store…]
George: [voiceover] Bad people are punished by society's law.
[… only to find the police outside. Bad guy is shot dead. Cut to a woman, standing precariously on a picket fence to lure a treed cat with food.]
George: [voiceover] And good people…
Cat Woman: Who's the pretty kitty? Ooh, you are. Come on, sweetheart.
[The woman falls off the fence. Pan down to the dead woman…]
George: [voiceover] … are punished by Murphy's Law.
[… then over to the cat on the ground, eating the food. Cut back to the office.]
George: [voiceover] So you see my dilemma.


[An aggressively cheery middle-aged woman approaches the morose George.]
Dolores: Hi, I'm Dolores Herbig… as in "her big…"
[She points to her eyes, grinning.]
Dolores: "… brown eyes?" I'll be your Happy Time career counselor.


Dolores: Some college, huh? Didn't finish?
George: Some seemed like enough.


[Referring to her nagging mother…]
George: Who had the nerve to name you "Joy"?


[As a toilet seat from the re-entering Mir station plummets through the sky, George is awkwardly moving through a city plaza.]
George: [voiceover] They say your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the moment before you die? That might be true if you're terminally ill, or your parachute doesn't open…
[She looks up to see the fireball heading straight for her.]
George: [voiceover] … but if death sneaks up on you, the only thing you have time to think is…
George: Aw, shit.


George: [voiceover] I didn't know what was more disturbing: being dead or the fact that the first man to touch my naked body was a coroner.


George: [voiceover] Everyone always says the same shit at funerals... they talk about how sweet, wonderful, and oh-so-full-of-life you were, how it was your time and you can't question God's plan... they never say anything bad. You could be the biggest turd in the toilet bowl and you'd still come out smelling like a rose.


George: So what's next? Onward and upward?
Rube: Onward not upward. No pearly gates for you, no choirs of angels neither.
George: You dick! You're sending me to hell?!
Rube: Don't flatter yourself. You're not that interesting.


George: That's Roxy. She could kick your ass.


[seeing un-George for the first time]
George: Who decides what we look like?
Mason: I don't know. Maybe this is what our inner child looks like when it grows up.
George: If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowjobs, and maybe even a trick baby or two.

Dead Girl Walking (1.2)

George: I've been dead for seven days. Okay, that's a little dramatic.


Roxy: You know what your problem is? You wake up every morning wondering what the world's gonna do for you, wondering who's gonna bend over backwards, kiss your ass and make you happy when you should just thank God for another day and leave it the fuck at that.


Roxy: Sir, I'm going to say this as politely as possible. I will fuck you up.


Rube: Well, you really fucked the dog, Peanut.
George: What?
Rube: What? You had an appointment.
George: I didn't make an appointment.
Roxy: Beat her.
Rube: Doesn't matter who made the appointment. You had an appointment.
George: Correct me if I'm wrong but- mission accomplished.
Rube: You're wrong. That was me correcting you.
George: I'm confused.
Roxy: He's still in there, you silly bitch.
[Flashback to the dead man's soul screaming as he is forced to watch his own autopsy.]
George: Holy shit! Is he in pain?
Rube: Physically, no. He's dead. But emotionally, I imagine this sort of thing is pretty traumatic.


Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top... that ozone smell you get from air purifiers... and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable... Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don’t?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.

Curious George (1.3)

George: Do you really care how it's going with me?
Rube: Sure, I make my face look like this and the concerned words come out.


George: [voice over] One desperate attempt after another to find something in common with someone else and then cling. “Hey, you have ten fingers, I have ten fingers, let's be friends. We'll make rules and slogans. Then if we find someone with nine fingers, we can beat the crap out of them.”


Joy: You're just lucky we are not doing this with my mother, she used to make us practice smiling before we left the house.
Reggie: That's because she doesn't like your smile.
Joy: Did she tell you that?
Reggie: Yeah, she said it was fake.
Joy: That bitch.


George: What would happen if everybody died?
Mason: What do you mean?
George: Like if we were the only ones left
Mason: Oh, like if the frogs ate everyone on the planet?
George: Yeah.
Mason: I reckon we'd be shoveling a lot of frog shit.


George: So... my whole life, everything... All I get to keep are thoughts and memories?
Rube: That's all we ever have, Peanut.

Reapercussions (1.4)

Secretary: I'm sorry Mr. Munroe isn't available.
George: Did you tell him it's important?
Secretary: Yes, but he's just on his way out of the office.
George: It'll only take a second. Please, I'll be quick.
Secretary: He's not gonna see you. He doesn't know who you are or what this is regarding.
George: I'm the girl his son drugged and it's regarding him videotaping me while homeless people had sex with my unconscious body.
Secretary: I'll double check.


George: I was just calling you, to see if there was anything I could do to help.
George: [voiceover] I became aware of the words only after they left my mouth.
Dolores: I like the way you show initiative, Millie. I like it a lot. I'd better watch my back, pretty soon you'll have my job.
George: Only after you get a promotion.
Dolores: Oh.
George: [voiceover] I felt dirty.


Mason: I feel like I've been poisoned. Have you been poisoned?
Rube: No, not on purpose. I had some bad salmon once. I don't touch the stuff anymore.
Mason: Was it salmon mousse?
Rube: I don't know. It was canned.
[This is a reference to Monty Python's Meaning of Life where the Grim Reaper tells some snobs that they all died from eating bad salmon mousse made with canned salmon]



Rube: You pulled the wrong piece out of the Jenga tower little girl. You know what a hiccup is?
George: Yes.
Rube: You got yourself a hiccup. Something happens that's not supposed to happen. System has to figure out what that something is and fix it. P. J. Monroe.
George: I'm sorry.
Rube: What'd you do? Slash his tires? Have him arrested?
George: I just talked to him.
Rube: Must have been some conversation.
George: I guess.
Rube: I hope it was worth it. What, you got the hots for the guy or something?
George: No!
Rube: What, he give you some money?
George: No! [looks away]
Rube: Help me out.
George: I just wanted to see if I could do it?
Rube: I need somebody to give me lessons on how to communicate with you, Peanut, cuz I'm at a loss. The coin's in the slot, the gumball's on its way, and I'm plum out of wisdom. I'd start sleeping with the lights on if I were you.
George [voiceover]: I didn't know if that was a threat or a warning... Rube washed his hands of me. But that didn't mean I was off the hook. It only got worse. I broke the rules. The gravelings declared hunting season on my ass.


Mason: I've got illegals in my bottom.


Mason: Heed his advice, and stay on his good side. He's like a volcano, George, he erupts and he spews lava on all the little villages, they run around and, they run around for their lives. But, you know, he stops, and you can go back to the safety of your own home.

Reaping Havoc (1.5)

Rube: You don't mess with fate, Peanut. People die when they are meant to die. There's no discussion. There's no negotiation. When life's done, it's done. You of all people should know that.


George: This is my work related scrapbook. (She opens to a page and points.) These are bone fragments I found in a telephone pole next to an exploded high voltage transformer. (Turns to another page.) And, this is from that nuclear reactor incident. I think it's a testicle!


Rube: Is your name M. J.?
Old Man Bowers: What?
Rube: My friend tells me 'go say hello to M. J. he's standin over there' and she points to you.
Old Man Bowers: Which friend?
Rube: Right there. Pretty girl in the pant suit.
Old Man Bowers: That one? I don't know her. Uh, what is she pointing at me for?
Rube: She thought you were M. J. Bowers. Are you?
Old Man Bowers: Who wants to know?
Rube: It's a family reunion. We're all family. I'm just askin' your name.
Old Man Bowers: I don't know you, sir!
Rube: Rube. Hi, how are you? Listen, I'm tired of fuckin' around. Is your name M. J. Bowers or not?
Old Man Bowers(confused): Uh...


George[voiceover]: If this is Murray the dead cat, I'm so outta here.


George: Why do I keep losing all the things and people that I care about?
Rube: That's what life is, Peanut.

My Room (1.6)

Mason: Oh, bloody hell.
Daisy(To Casey, the waitress): Diet Coke, chipped ice, but not too much.
Rube: I think this is about Betty. I think George has her own Warren Commission in her head and somehow has implicated me in Betty's disappearance. Am I right or am I right?
George(To Rube): Can you pass me the ketchup?
Mason(To Daisy): How you doin'?
Daisy: I don't think so.
Rube(To George): That's all you want from me? The ketchup? 'Cuz the ketchup I can handle. But the guilt trip about Betty, that I can not. I don't know where Betty is.
Mason(To Daisy): Ah- hem. Um, hello? I'm Mason.
Daisy: I don't think so.
Mason(To George): What does that mean?
George: It means she hates you.
Rube: You lost your friend, Peanut, I'm sorry. Reapers come and go. That's life.
George[voiceover]: I missed Betty like crazy. I had a thousand and one questions, and I didn't know where to begin. Where was she? Was she o.k.? Was she coming back? What did Rube know? Somebody had to confront Rube and ask these questions. And, hopefully this person will be along soon.
Daisy(To Casey): This isn't chipped ice.
Casey: We don't have chipped ice. All we got's cubes.
Daisy: Well, if you have cubes, and an ice pick, then you have chipped. Do you, Casey, have an ice pick?
Casey: Mm- hm. Ya. A nice one.
Daisy: Well, then I think we need to start over.
Mason(To Casey): Uh, you see that Diet Coke? Thats on me.(To Daisy): I'm Mason.
George(To Mason): You're a fuckin moron.
Daisy(To Rube): Is your name Rube?
Rube: It is.
Daisy: Well, I'm Daisy. Daisy Adair.
Rube: Well, you're two days early, Daisy Adair.
Daisy: Well, aren't you lucky?
Rube: This is Mason, as we know. And this is George. Daisy's one of us. Daisy's a reaper.
Daisy(To George): George? Is that your given name?
George: Georgia.
Daisy: That's much prettier, I think I'll call you Georgia.
George[voiceover]: I hated her instantly. With all my guts.
George: What is she doing here?
Rube: She was transfered.
George: From...?
Daisy: New York! SoHo.
George: Why were you transfered?
Daisy: Well, that's kind of personal.
Casey(To Daisy): One Diet Coke. Chipped ice.
Daisy: Thank you so much, Casey.
Mason: So, Daisy. Now, seriously, that Diet Coke is on me.
Mason: Ah!
Daisy: Excuse me, Miss! I need a refill.
George[voiceover]: I hated her a little less.


[George is standing outside the bathroom in her apartment, waiting, agitated, for Daisy to finish.]:
George: You know Daisy, I have a job, I mean what do you do?
Daisy: [Opens the door in a hurry, with a face masque on. Acting very Marilyn Monroe-ish.] Today I'm going to buy The New York Times, since you obviously don't have it delivered. Then I'm going to sit at that little corner shop and have a green tea and a muffin and then I'm going to look for a sweater set. This afternoon, if I'm so obligated, I’m going to collect someone's soul before they die. And if I look really pretty while I'm doing it well, then good for me. That's what I do, Georgia. [Slams the door shut]


Angus the Cook: Who's complaining about the eggs?
Rube: Oh, no complaints, just observations.
Angus the Cook: Such as?
Rube: The eggs are not good. Its normally a moot point at the a la carte price of $2.95. I love eggs. I love 'em fried, scrambled, soft-boiled, florentine. These I didn't like. So who do we blame - the hen or the cook?
[Angus has a very sour look]
Rube: Let's blame the hen.
[Angus walks away]
Rube: He's a nice guy.


George: [shouting] Daisy? Listen, I have some things I want to say to you. You can't just move your shit into my apartment and kick me out of my own bed...
Daisy: [crying] I never ever get a break. My mother abandoned me. My father... was never a father. I never really had a real home or even a place that I felt like I belonged. Why can't I belong. Why can't you accept me? I just want you to hold me. This life has been a collection of...disappointments and...heartache.
[George tries to comfort Daisy and suddenly Daisy stops crying]
Daisy: And scene. Whew! "A collection of problems, disillusionment and unhappiness." Why do I always mutilate that line? Will you be a doll and help me run my lines? And please don't be afraid to stop me even if I'm off by one syllable, okay? Come on, it's magic time. Okay and... action!
[Daisy begins crying again. George throws the book down and storms off]


[The bowling team picks up George and cheers after she wins the game]
George: [voiceover] I felt something I had never felt before - a hand on my ass. Who the hell was cupping my ass? Probably that perv from I.S. [Looks at Delores] Oh God, I hope it was that perv from I.S. I also felt something else... that in some strange undead way, I was alive. I was flying.

Reaper Madness (1.7)

George: I know this is cliché to hate your boss but you're a real dickweed.
Rube: What you're feeling right now, the rage and frustration all knotted together, binding everything from your head to your digestive tract? That's my life with you.


George: So, uh, do you hear a lot of voices?
Ronnie: No, just one. I call him the Shepherd.
George: Does he tell you what to do?
Ronnie: Well, he doesn't control me. He spends most of his time yelling at me and making me feel stupid.
George: Hmmm... maybe it's my mother.


Ronnie: I knew it, you're Death.
George: No no. I'm just a small cog in the system.
Ronnie: Then Rube is Death.
George: No Rube is...middle management.


George: [voiceover] I'm not a big fan of weddings, but a job is a job. So I sat there watching those 50 happy people gathered to celebrate a marriage, dressed in their Sunday best, about to hear some priest's flowery words about the joining together of two souls, uniting as one... blah, blah, blah, blah... until death do them part, which would be in about 11 minutes.


George: What is it you wanted to say?
Ronnie: I just wanted to kiss you.
George: No...No way. I can't.
[Ronnie leans in and kisses George.]
George: [voiceover] It was my first post-death kiss. That alone made it memorable.
Ronnie: Actually, I came to say good-bye.
George: [voiceover] It was also my first post-death kiss-off.

A Cook (1.8)

[Casey the waitress brings the reapers' order to the table, setting plates before Rube and George]
Rube: [gesturing at his plate] What fresh hell is this?
Caesy: Corned beef hash and eggs.
Rube: Corned beef hash, I speak not only for myself but aficionados of the dish, is to be fried, with a crisp exterior. I do not say this phrase lightly, in this hallowed place: This is fucking inedible.


[Rube opens his apartment door, goes in, and picks up a manila envelope on the floor. He opens it, and extracts a single sheet of paper which bears what appears to be a list, and begins to read it as he closes the door. After the door closes, there is a beat, then the door opens quickly and Rube comes storming out, looking down the hall.]
Rube: What the FUCK is wrong with you?
[We hear the sound of an elevator beginning to operate. Rube looks back down at the list, then back down the hall in disgust, goes back into his apartment and slams the door.]


Angus: Bang, another man down.


[referring to an old lady that George is about to reap]
Daisy: How old do you think she is? I'm thinking 70.
George: I don't know. I'm not good at that.
Daisy: Its not supposed to be good at it, its just a game - Guess someone's age.
George: How old are you? Like 35?
Daisy: Yeah, you're not good at it.


Rube: What a gorgeous dog.
George: Isn't she?
Mason: Is it a golden?
George: Yes! She is.
Mason: What's its name?
George: J. D.
[Rube looks underneath J. D.]
Rube: J. D.'s a male.
George: Yes, she is.
Mason: Why you callin' him a she is he's a he?
George: Because dogs are referred to in the feminine.
Rube: In the way some guy would talk about a car?
George: Exactly.
Rube: As in, she's got eight under the hood, she has twenty to the gallon?
George: ... Sure.
Rube: Actually, you refer to dogs by their sex. As in, here boy, down girl.


Daisy: Well, I know this isn't something you care about, but I own some very beautiful clothes.
George: What's your point?
Daisy: He looks like a 'shedder'.
George: Ha! That's absolutely something I can live with.


Delores: The homeless are desperate, passionate lovers, but they will rob you blind.


Delores: [typing on her computer] Millie...did you put detergent in the dishwasher?
George: Uh, no...I thought you did.
Delores: Oh, silly us. We'll just have to locate those dishes and wash 'em again.
George: Your computer told you that?
Delores: No, silly, "stinky5000" did.


Delores: [on how her website operates] I've got a camera there [she waves at the camera], a camera there, a camera there, and a camera there. Not in the bathroom though... [in a conspratorial tone] people watching me in the potty would just be plain wrong.
George: [voiceover] ...As opposed to watching you everywhere else?


Delores: [On the name of her website] I was going to call it "Her Big" Website, but I was afraid I'd attract people with [indicates with her fingers] a fetish for big things.


George: So, people actually pay to watch you?
Delores: I do get two cents every time someone clicks on but that would go straight to my favorite charity - The American Amputees Association.
George: [voiceover] Oh, Christ! My boss has a wooden leg.

Sunday Mornings (1.9)

George: My mother was more excited about me going to college than I was. It was like "Hey, here's a socially acceptable way to evict my daughter from our house."


Mason: I'll show you both, we'll be like Romeo and Juliet. We will.
George: You do know how that story ended, don't you?
Daisy: If Romeo had just masturbated a couple of times a week he would have saved both those nice families a heap of trouble.


Rube: You need to fix it.
Roxy: He put his hands on me.
Rube: Last time I checked, being pissed off wasn't enough of a reason to remove a person's soul from their body. Don't do that again.
Roxy: I didn't think he'd turn into a nutball.
Rube: Well, how would you have responded, Roxy? God appeared to the man.
Roxy: I wouldn't be making up words and shit.
Rube: He's creating a mythology to take back to his people. Joseph Smith had the same thing happen to him. Now the Mormons have a monopoly on the hotel industry.
Roxy: Well what do you want me to do?
Rube: It's about restoring the status quo, the guy wasn't supposed to get enlightened, he was supposed to get a parking ticket. You got to turn him back into a prick. If you ever take someone's soul again, without first having a post-it, I'm gonna break this pipe off in your ass.


George: [voiceover] Humans beings are simple, predictable clichés. Broken hearts, betrayal, it's all been done a billion times before. The problem is, every time still hurts like the first. And if you're lucky enough to recover, you can be sure that just as you finish filling in all the cracks in your life, the next one is starting to open.

Business Unfinished (1.10)

[Dolores is setting George up for a conference roomful of collating.]
Dolores: Collating is so Zen, so meditative. I suppose it's the rhythmic nature of repetition that frees the mind to think deep thoughts. It's like sweeping! Whoosh! Do you know where I'm coming from?
George: [voiceover] Jupiter?
George: I do.
Dolores: You'll be amazed to discover how much your busy-bee hands have accomplished!
George: Bees don't have hands.
Dolores: No, they don't, do they? [grinning] But you know who does? You do. And you know what they say about idle hands?
George: [voiceover] They'll strangle the person who asked them to collate?


[Roxy gives everyone a balloon]
George: What's the occasion?
Daisy: I'm guessing she had sex with a carnie.
Roxy: Why do I need to have an occasion to spread the love?
Mason: Because you are an ornery bitch and you eat puppy dogs for breakfast.


Daisy: Goddamn it Georgia! Show some ambition! That's what separates us from the animals, you know. It's not the opposable thumb.


M. K. Hourihan (To waiter): We'll have that dessert now, I think.
Daisy (To M. K.'s friend): I'm so sorry to interrupt. That scarf is absolutely beautiful. Where did you get it, if you don't mind me asking?
Joyce: It was a gift. My husband bought it for me in San Francisco.
Daisy: So flattering.
Mary Kate: As are you. What's your name, dear?
Daisy: Daisy Adair.
Joyce: Do we know any Adairs?
Mary Kate: Shawn Adair. But I don't think you're related to him. You're much too fresh and lovely and he is a little oily. Lebanese, I think. Anyway, uh, where were you raised, Daisy?
Daisy: I am one of the Greenwich Adairs.
Joyce: Greenwich, Connecticut?
Daisy: Is there any other?
Joyce: I'm Joyce, and this is Sylvia...
Sylvia: Hello.
Joyce: ... Jane and Mary Kate.
Daisy: So nice to meet you all.
Joyce: Ah! Bananas Foster. My favorite.
Mary Kate: Joyce is turning 30. For the 31st year in a row.
Joyce: Are you married, Daisy? I have a son.
Daisy: I'm single, but I'm not really in the market. (Laughs)
Mary Kate: Are you a lesbian? Sylvia has a daughter. (The waiter lights the dessert.) Oh, how exciting.
Joyce: That dessert is so evil. 800,000 calories a bite.
Mary Kate: Oh please, it's not like it's going to kill you.
Daisy: I believe your friend is choking on a sugar cookie.
Mary Kate: Oh, my gosh.
Joyce: Shit. Mary Kate's on fire.
Sylvia: Ohh! My coffee was Irish!


Mary Kate: Is this a slum?
Daisy: Suburbs.
Mary Kate: Oh well, same thing.

The Bicycle Thief (1.11)

Daisy: Georgia! Are you wearing a fragrance this morning?
George: It's orange juice. I hate the bus.
Rube: Public transportation is the great equalizer.
George: I don't wanna be equal. Fuck equal.
Mason: Steal a car.
Daisy: What about a bicycle? I once had Dorothy's original bike from The Wizard of Oz. I knew someone from the props department.
Mason: Don't you mean you blew somebody in the props department?
Daisy: Knew, blew, tomato, tomahto. Once baby Judy died, I didn't want to ride it anymore, so I sold at an auction.
Rube: Speakin' of death, let's get to work. (Hands out post-its.)

Dolores: I'm not certain I'm understanding you, Millie. You've already contacted the employer--
George: Uh, I didn't. Um, Josh called them.
Dolores: Who is Jo- never mind. What did the employer say?
George: Yes.
Dolores: Yes what?
George: He said, 'Yes, I'm hired.' I didn't do anything. Josh did everything.
Dolores: Does Josh know you're a valued employee of Happy Time?
George: That's very nice of you, Dolores, but I thought I'd just look for something a little more 'living wage-ish'. Like, I wanna buy a bike.
Dolores: Well, I wanna ride in the Kentucky Derby, but you don't see me in racing suits, do you? Tsk. Well, when do they want you to begin?
George: Tomorrow.
Dolores: Tomorrow?! Aha. Interesting. Well, G. F. Y... Good for you! Looks like I've got a going away party to organize. Excuse me.
George: [voiceover]G. F. M. Good for me!


[George is sitting out of her going away party and Stephanie walks up to her and whispers something]
George: Oh, no thank you.
Stephanie: It's no big deal. It's just a little tab you put on your tongue.
George: You know, I feel my current reality is altered enough.
[Stephanie nods]
Stephanie: I did one.
George: G. F. Y.!
[Stephanie hugs George making George feel violated]
Stephanie: Let's look out for each other today, okay?
George: Okay.


[George walks into an office to find Stephanie hiding]
George: [voiceover] It turns out that certain remarks like, 'Let's look out for each other,' which seemed casual and meaningless had a special significance here at Happy Time.
[Stephanie is under a desk rummaging through trash.]
Stephanie: Fuck. I can't find it. I can't find it.
George: Stephanie?
Stephanie: I can't- I can't find it.
George: You can't find what?
Stephanie: Blue! Red's taken it over!
George: Red's got blue?
Stephanie: Red's been attacking all the colors! We gotta stop it!
George: We do?
Stephanie: Yellow's next. It doesn't stand a chance! Poor yellow.
George: Why don't we go for a walk?
Stephanie: Nope! No walking!
George: I'm going to call the Color Police. (She picks up the phone) 'I'd like to report a color crime in progress.' (To Stephanie) I'm on hold.


Joy: This is a lost cause.
Clancy: Maybe we should split up.
Joy: (sobs) Oh that's great, just great. You go— but you better find yourself one hell of a lawyer—
Clancy: Split up to find the dog!
Joy: (after a beat) Oh, that's a good idea.


Henry: (contemplating suicide after his partner, Cary, has died) Why would I re-think this? Thirty years with that beautiful man and I am not getting into that bed tonight without him and I am not waking up tomorrow without him. I won't, I can't. We were going to Kyoto in the fall. They have beautiful gardens there and I won't go without Cary.

Nighthawks (1.12)

Rube: Mason, please write legibly. There were complaints last year.
Mason: Well, that's ridiculous. I always had high marks for penmanship.
Rube: Seriously, I saw the thing. You write like you speak. I could barely understand a word.
Mason: Oh, you know what? In all honesty, I was, like, on something when I filled out my form last year.
Rube: Are you on something tonight?
Mason: No.
Roxy: For real?
Mason: (grinning) Well, a little bit.


Roxy: Sharpen another pencil and I'm breakin' one in your little pink ass.


George(To Rube): It's 3851 Beatrice Lane!
Rube: It's not your post-it.
George: That's my old house! That's where my family is!
Rube: I'm aware.
George: Wha- who is it?!
Rube: It's not your post-it. There are rules, Georgia.
George: What is going to happen in my driveway?
Rube: It's not your driveway anymore.
George: You know what I mean.
Rube: I do. It's not your driveway anyway.
George: Well, then. I'm coming with you.
Rube: That's not going to happen.
George: Someone dies, at my house, and you don't tell me about it?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!


George: You have a problem with me?
Rube: Yes, ma'am, I do. And one thing you should know about me by now, I am a problem solver.
George: How do I put this delicately?
Rube(To the test-takers): Does this concern you? (To George): Try and choose your words carefully.
George: Blow me.


Rube: If you stand too close to a painting — all you see are patches of color, if you stand too far back, you can't see any of the detail. Right now this is your particular perspective and if you ask me—-
George: I'm a little too close.

Vacation (1.13)

Daisy: What do you say the very second we're done here, we go back to my place for a drink?
Mason: Don't fuck with me Daisy.
Daisy: I probably won't, but a drink isn't gonna kill anybody, least of all us. Right?


Roxy: [about Crystal] Does it type?


[Daisy's final thought before dying] Why has no one ever loved me?


George: [voiceover] Maybe death was the temp job, and life was the vacation. A vacation you were supposed to spend with the people that you loved… with the people who loved you, and if life was that kind of vacation, what then? What would your last thoughts be then?


[The reapers are all in the Happy Time office, late at night, taking advantage of the fact that the Gravelings are taking the day off to catch up on paperwork. Rube lights his pipe.]
George: You can't smoke in here.
Rube: Ah, fuck that bullshit, they can blow me.

Rest in Peace (1.14)

Roxy: So what are you? Rube's butt-boy?
George: Why? Did you resign?


Rube: A wise man knows how much he doesn't know.


[Clancy's cell phone rings]
Joy: You answer the phone and I will absolutely shove it up your ass.


George: [voiceover] The day I dropped out of college, I remember lying on my bed. My mother came into my room, and she'd been crying. She stared at me for a long time and then she said, "You only have one shot at life, Georgia. This is no dress rehearsal." And I said, "You know what, Mom? Maybe I don't even want to be in the play." A month later I was killed. I wonder sometimes if someone was listening.


George: [voiceover] That night, a man was killed by a speeding car and I was there to take his soul. The street on which he died turned into a flowing river of light, and he hesitated at its banks. I told him to take a deep breath as if its the last one you will ever take, because sometimes in life, or in death I guess, you just never know.

Send in the Clown (2.1)

Mason: Nah, five deaths is not a disaster.
George: How many deaths is a disaster?
Mason: More than five. Five's bullshit.
George: How many?
Mason: 16 to 20, disaster; 21 and up, catastrophe; 8 to 15 is a calamity.
Rube: 7 and under?
Mason: That's a crying shame.


George: Life sucks, and then you die! And then, it… still sucks!



Mason: Are you going to finish those hashbrowns?
Roxy: Probably not.
Mason: Fucking bloody hell.
Roxy: I'm outta here.
Mason: Did you see that? I mean just because I wanted some of her hashbrowns.
Rube: I was there.
Mason: I've never seen such violence over such small potatoes.
Rube: Oh, that was almost clever.
Mason: What was almost clever Rube?
Rube: The thing about the hashbrowns being small potatoes.
Mason: I don't get it...because hashbrowns are small potatoes.
Rube: Never mind.

The Ledger (2.2)

[Reggie weighs two options in her hands.]
Reggie: Unhappy in a cheesy apartment... unhappy in a big house...
[The big house wins.]


George: Rube, can I borrow your truck?
Rube: Are you a responsible driver?
George: I am an excellent driver.
[Rube pulls his keys out…]
George: I promise to take care of your piece-of-shit truck.
[… and quickly puts them away again.]
Rube: Well, that's not the response I was looking for.


[Mason practices at being the world's most incompetent shell game actor.]
Rube: You know why people play the shell game?
Mason: Because they think they can beat the odds.
Rube: Wrong. They think they can beat you. They think they're smarter than you. [pause] In this case, they're right.
Mason: I'm smarter than you think.
Rube: You smart enough to play stupid?
Mason: I am so smart, I'm practically retarded.


Security Expert: Ripoff. Report... Identify... Prove... Ostracize... Fire.
George: [aside, to Delores] Rip-of?
Security Expert: You got a problem there Millie?
George (aka Millie): You misspelled ripoff. You dropped an 'f'.
Security Expert: Oh I see. We have ourselves a smart-ass.
George: Don't you mean smart as?


[Rube sees George has a new car.]
Rube: You steal it?
George: Not exactly.
Rube: Did you buy it?
George: Not exactly.
Rube: Well how'd you get it exactly?
George: I think I was supposed to get it. That whole balance thing? [Rube stares at her.] I had a really bad day, Rube. [George looks out the window at the car. Quietly.] I think I was supposed to get it.

Ghost Story (2.3)

[Dolores tries to get George/Millie to sign up for the Happy Time annual retreat.]
Dolores: We only retreat once a year. That's what makes it annual.
George: Why retreat at all? Who's attacking us?


Rube: When I was your age, I used to treat the crust like it was just there to hold the good stuff in. I used to leave the whole back end of it on the plate. As I got older, I learned to appreciate the crust.


George: [voiceover] Once upon a time, there was a girl named George. Who couldn't quite forget… there was once upon a time.

The Shallow End (2.4)

Daisy: You do that, you know. You withhold the love.
Rube: How can I withhold that which I do not possess?


Theo: Relax, son, they're just balls.

Hurry (2.5)

[Rube is dealing out Post-it note assignments.]
Rube: Read 'em, and… reap.


[Everyone rushes out to their reaping appointments.]
Daisy: Are you coming, Georgia?
George: I'm already late for work. Twenty minutes isn't gonna kill me… again.


[Dolores drags George/Millie into her cubicle, where they sneak a peek over the rim of the cube wall.]
Dolores: Check it out, Millie! Gollum at 2 o'clock.
[George looks to her left.]
Dolores: That's 10 o'clock! No wonder you're always late.


Gollum: May I ask you a question?
George: That is a question. Would you like to ask me another one?


[A woman cuts in line at the post office]
Rube:: Afternoon, ladies. Are you two old friends?
Woman: Eh, her daughter is in my son's class.
Rube:: I have a question for you. Is everyone in this line an asshole?
Woman: Excuse me?
Rube:: Is everyone you just cut in front of an asshole?
Woman: Uhm. No?
Rube:: So it's just you then.
Woman: I have children in the car.
Rube:: I have a cake in the oven. He's got three minutes left on the meter. She's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that — it's shameful.


George: Everyone says "live in the now," but that's bullshit. I mean, who lives in the moment? We're too busy thinking about what happens next... or what didn't happen at all.

In Escrow (2.6)

[Crystal and George/Millie are chuckling over a digestively challenged applicant. Dolores is unamused.]
Dolores: Irritable Bowel Syndrome is a serious affliction. Most people don't know this, but Marilyn Monroe had IBS.
George: Is that what blew her skirt up?

[Dolores has just given George a new assignment to pick an applicant for a new pharmaceutical company account]
George/Millie: Backup. Did you just say choose, me?
Dolores: No I said, "You choose." You're in a new position now. You're like, the prettiest girl at prom, or the sluttiest girl if you went to Catholic school. You get to pick.

Rites of Passage (2.7)

Dolores: You know, when you're young like you are, Millie, it's easy. Man, woman, bottom, top… sex is this big buffet, and you're just a… fat man with a fork, but… as you get older, it's harder to get a fork.


[A newspaper clipping's succinct summary of George's death: TERROR TOILET TOTALS TEEN.]

The Escape Artist (2.8)

[Roxy gives Mason a hard time about ordering a drink during an airplane flight reap.]
Mason: Roxy, I've never flown before. I'm a bit nervous, all right?
Roxy: Well, congratulations, baby! Drink up. Buckle up. And don't fuck it up.

Be Still My Heart (2.9)

[Tending to a heart attack victim, Dolores discovers the office defibrillator has orange goo between the paddles.]
Dolores: Who has been making grilled cheese sandwiches with the defibrillator paddles?

[Clancy has given Reggie a poem, a portion of Shakespeare's Twelfth Sonnet.]
Reggie: He said for you to read it. He said the end's the best part.
Joy: Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake // And die as fast as they see others grow; // And nothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make defence // Save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence.
Reggie: What does it mean?
Joy: It's Shakespeare. It means... it means you should have kids because then you're never alone.
Reggie: Is Dad trying to get back together with you?
Joy: No sweetie, no. He did it for you. It's about you.

Death Defying (2.10)

George: I'm a stalker.
Daisy: I had a stalker once. Yeah, he was a sweet boy. He'd leave me wildflowers. Dead wildflowers. And little sparrows.
George: Doesn't anyone wanna know why I'm a stalker?
Mason (To Daisy): How'd you get rid of him?
Daisy: I stabbed him with garden shears.
Mason: Did you kill him?!
Daisy: No, no. I stabbed him right here...
Mason: Whew. I would have stalked you, Daisy, I would have stalked you.
Daisy: What is it you're doing right now?
Mason: Please, come on, I'm not stalking you. I'm persistent.
George: Well, I'm stalking someone now. Who wants to guess why?
Kiffany: What would you like, sweety?
George: Revenge.
Kiffany: We're all out of that. Anything else look good?
George: Oatmeal with raisins.
Daisy (To George): Why are you stalking somebody?
Roxy: Why would you be stalking anyone at all?
Mason: Oh, shit. It's Johnny Law.
George: I'm not exactly stalking anyone. I'm-
Roxy: - You're what?
George: I'm just-
Roxy: Spit it out.
George: I'm having oatmeal.
Mason: With raisins!
Roxy: Well, I'm glad we got that settled.


Ray Summers: [Approaching George, Mason, and Daisy in a bar] Hi, I'm Ray.
George: Fuck you, Ray.
Ray Summers: [Turning, as if to leave] Nice spendin' time with you guys.
Daisy Adair: Ray, this is Mason. Mason, Ray. And George--curious George.
Mason: So Daisy, what's goin' on, I thought it was just the three of us.
Ray Summers: Daisy?
Daisy Adair: Daisy Adair.
George: So what do you do, Ray?
Ray Summers: I'm a television producer, George.
George: So you're rich.
Ray Summers: Comfortable.
George: I suppose you're charming.
Ray Summers: Tolerable.
George: And women just fall the fuck all over you.
Ray Summers: Not you, I suspect.
Daisy Adair: Georgia, you're being impolite.
Ray Summers: No, no, that's okay. Everybody likes me eventually.


Ray Summers: You're an angry little thing, aren't you?
George: You call me a "little thing" again, and I'll put this fucking dart right between your twinkling eyes!
Ray Summers: [Unfazed, grinning at George] Another tequila?
George: [Suddenly calm] Please.


Ray Summers: George, there are 5 reasons why men are scum and women let us get away with it. 1. We all only want one thing. No exceptions. 2. We fall in love before we get that one thing, and fall out of love after we get it. Conversely, women fall in love after. 3. We will lie, cheat, steal or murder to get that one thing. Why am I sugarcoating this? You're a big girl. To fuck you. 4. We freely admit 1 through 3 and women don't care, and the number 5 reason why men are scum and women don't care: You can't live without us.


George: [voiceover] They say coming clean is good for the soul, that it puts things in perspective. You can get a sense of your place in the order of things...a sense of who you really are and what's important. This is my perspective. I am a grim reaper. I take souls. I do not go to prom. I do not live happily ever after. This is who I am. Anyone got a problem with that?


Mason: And now Mason will show little Georgie the finer art of stress relief through petty vandalism. Don't get me wrong. We will egg Trip's fucking mansion, but first...[Holds out a pen]

Ashes to Ashes (2.11)

[Reggie leaves her dog J.D. in Joy's care when her Goth friend "Raven" finds him too "preppy".]
Joy: [to J.D.] Oh, don't you worry. She needs a friend who's human. Or something close.

Forget Me Not (2.12)

[Flashback to elementary-school-age George reading A Tale of Two Cities instead of going to her friend's birthday party.]
Joy: We bought her a present!
Young George: What did you get her?
Joy: We got her a flannel nightgown. With pretty little flowers on it!
Young George: Mom. You're gonna get me killed.
Joy: Georgia, don't be silly. We're going.
Young George: Not.
Joy: You are so!
Young George: So not.
Joy: Why do you have to be so obstinate?
Young George: Obstinate. O-B-S-T-I-N-A-T-E. Stubborn.
Joy: Georgia Lass, you cannot spend your entire life with your nose stuck in a book!
Young George: Try me.


[At a spelling bee, emcee G. McFadden's soul finds itself sitting beside George and Mason.]
McFadden: What just happened?
Mason: Oh, I'm afraid you are D-E-D…
McFadden: No, that's D-E-A-D.
Mason: I was joking!


[At the restaurant, Mason and George return from the bee.]
Rube: Hey! How'd it go?
Mason: G-R-E-A-T.
George: It was a spelling bee.
Rube: [to Mason] Seriously, how'd it go?
Mason: F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C.
Rube: How do I get it to stop?
Mason: Well, go on, Georgie, tell him.
George: Well, as far as senseless, brutal deaths go, I say it went beautifully.
Mason: Yeah! So maybe a little simple "thank you" is in order, instead of your constant irritation, Ruby. Maybe a little bit of G-R-A-T… uh… t… i-i-tude, tude.
[Rube hands out Post-its.]
Rube: For you, and you.
Mason: Where's Roxy?
Rube: She has got a personal day.
Mason: Well, why don't I have a personal day?
Rube: Because you're an F-U-C-K-U-P.
Mason: "Fuck up" has two words.
George: Actually, "fuck-up" is a hyphenate.
[They all look at her.]
George: Well, it is!


[Ray introduces himself to Rube at Der Waffle Haus and shakes his hand.]
Ray: That's quite a death grip you got there, Rube.


[George tries to find a way to communicate to memory-challenged Nina that she has died.]
George: Do you want to hear a story, Nina?
Nina: Oh, I love stories.
George: Well, once there was a girl named George. She was 18 years old. And she didn't have a husband William, she didn't have have a daughter named Beth, but she had a mom, a father, and a sister. And, one day, she went outside — it was a sunny day, a few clouds, but an ordinary day — and she went out to get some lunch, and this man… he stopped me. And he talked to me. And he knew my last name. I told him to leave me alone, but… then something from the sky fell. And I didn't feel anything. I couldn't remember anything… at first. But then I did. I realized… I died.
[George reaches over to Nina's memory Post-it pad.]
George: I… died.
[She writes on the pad.]
George: I'm dead.


[Mason buries Ray's corpse as Daisy watches him through the window crying.]
George: [voiceover] There are things inside you that no one wants to face. Things that you keep secret, even from yourself. But secrets are funny. The things you try to hide always turn out to be the things you can't forget

Last Call (2.13)

George: Did anyone here ever serve in the military?
Rube: No, nobody here did.
Roxy: I think Daisy serviced the army.
[George laughs.]
Mason: I don't care for that kind of joke.
Roxy: You are that kind of joke.


Mason: You know, this morning, when you said you spent your last day on Earth, your very, very last day on Earth, stapling?
George: Filing.
Mason: My God, that's even worse. You said you regretted it, didn't you?
George: Yeah of course. Who gives a shit?
Mason: My God, I give a shit. Rube tells us to be on the periphery. To keep away from...things. To keep our distance from...life. Our family...
George: Yeah?
Mason: God, it is nonsense. You get close, Georgie, you get close to everybody that ever meant anything to you.
George: Have you been drinking?
Mason: Of course I've bloody been drinking. And it's last call. And you gotta...you gotta drink up while you still can.

Daisy:[Rejecting Mason's ring] I won't fall in love, I won't get married, I won't grow old with someone, not with you or anyone.

Always (2.14)

Kiffany: I know you didn't just steal that money from me.
Mason: I was keepin' it safe for you. I wanted you to get— get it.
Kiffany: You're out.
Mason: Out?
Kiffany: That's right. Out of my house.
Mason: This is Der Waffle Haus.
Kiffany: And you're der outer hier.


George: [voiceover] We think we can't do something… [chanting] we think we can't, we think we can't, we think we can't… but we can.


George: [voiceover] I guess there's always something out there to hide from, something out there you just can't face. Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi. So you'll hide for as long as you can, but that's not easy either, all that hiding... Five Mississippi. In the end, what you were so afraid of turns out not to be so scary after all. Six Mississippi, seven. Because you have to know that if you're hiding, more often than not, your fears will come looking for you.

Haunted (2.15)

George: [voiceover] Now that I'm older and… deader… I see that Halloween is amateur night for death.


[George stops by her tombstone, where her sleeping mother and sister have camped out for El Día de los Muertos (The Day of the Dead).]
George: [voiceover] I'm not supposed to be here… but I am. I don't know if I'm supposed to watch over them… or just haunt them.
[She leaves some candy and tucks their blanket around them. She walks off, then turns back to see Reggie looking her way.]
George: [voiceover] Either way, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun.
[She smiles and resumes her departure.]
George: [voiceover] I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be here. Walking through a graveyard, the day after Halloween… on a quiet and beautiful November morning… It's not so bad, being dead like me.

Major cast

  • Undead
    • Georgia "George" Lass: Ellen Muth
    • Rube: Mandy Patinkin
    • Mason: Callum Blue
    • Roxy: Jasmine Guy
    • Betty: Rebecca Gayheart
    • Daisy Adair: Laura Harris
  • Living
    • Joy Lass: Cynthia Stevenson
    • Reggie Lass: Britt McKillip
    • Clancy Lass: Greg Kean
    • Delores Herbig: Christine Willes
    • Crystal: Crystal Dahl
 
Quoternity
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