Earthworm Jim Quotations

Earthworm Jim is a platform video game starring an earthworm in a robotic suit who battles evil. It spun off an animated series on Kids' WB a year later.

Earthworm Jim

"Groovy!"
"A dream sequence! Groovy! Bring on the dancing girls!"
(as Seinfeld) "What is the deal with old superheroes? D'you ever wonder about that? I mean, do they go to the old superheroes' home? I mean, what is the deal with that? How does a superhero retire? What if the hotline rings? 'Hello? Yes, the world's about to be destroyed? Sorry, I just turned 65.' What is the deal with that? And if you have x-ray vision, what happens to your eyes if they start to go bad? Can you only see through really thin stuff? I mean, what is the deal with that? (no response) Hello?! Is this on?! I said, what is the deal with that? You're supposed to find that hilarious! (still no response; pulls out ray gun) Laugh or perish, fiendish audience! (audience laughs)"
"What do you mean 'Invalid Parameters'?! 9,000 gigs of RAM and it can't answer a simple question!"
"I'm proud to live in a country where anyone, regardless of species, can buy a college degree!"
"Oh, so it was my evil twin all along! Oh, I should have known! Superheroes and evil twins go together like peanut butter and... evil peanut butter."
"I'm here to save a princess, and if she doesn't have little wings and a funny name, I'm gonna be really cheesed off!"
(reading the Idiot's Guide to Hideously Dangerous Places) "The Boulevard [of Acute Discomfort] is popular with murderers, black marketeers, and yellow-suited crows."
"Hey, where's the Evil Tower!? Well, that's just typical! They're never around when you need them."
"I'm afraid I can't save the world today, Mr. President. I'm on a mission of the utmost importance." (sits down with Peter and Snott to read Fuzzy Wuzzy's Funny Animals Pop-Up Book)
"You've forced me to use the most powerful weapon of all! Strategic retreat!"
"Plan A: Senseless violence. Okay, muchacho, EAT DIRT!" (maniacal laughter as he fires blaster)
"I'll never beat all this nefarious furniture, it's everywhere, a hideous blanket of evil covering the Earth like... a... an evil... blanket that's really... hideous."
"EAT DIRT! Everyone in the vicinity!"
(reading the Idiot's Guide to Hideously Dangerous Places) "The Pit of Unimaginable Fear?...No." "The Cavern of Flesh-ripping Weasels?...no. "DETROIT?!?...No."
(Thinks to himself) "It was up to me now! After the hours of sweat and practice and weeks of training, the long nights at the diner, tossing waffles, it all came down to this one catch." (The paper falls to the cute 'Welcome' mat. Fan-fare sounds, screaming of a crowd) "At last I was a player in the Big Game of Life. Too bad I haven't read the rules at the top of the box."
"Cheesy effects! It's like the tex mex that TIME FORGOT!"(Earthworm Jim 3)
(in response to Evil the Cat demanding he hand over Fuzzy Wuzzy's Funny Animals Pop-Up Book) "NEVER! You can beat me to a pulp, you can slice me to ribbons, but NO ONE TOUCHES MY FUZZY WUZZY!!! ...Actually, I'd just as soon take a rain check on the beating and the slicing part."

Peter Puppy

"I must not know fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total oblivion."
"If you don't slow down, we're gonna review the many wonders of my breakfast."
"It's...too...horrible!! And yet, I stare, perversely fascinated."
"You're actually four fingered, Jim. What do you think you are, some kind of freak?"
"Who is the master who makes the grass green?"

Princess What's-Her-Name

"You know, I usually avoid saying this, but... Hellllllp!"
"Alright, everybody spit out your gum its time to attack! (sound of crowd spitting out gum)"

Psycrow

"Now that I have shrunk you down to microscopic size with (voice changes to that of a TV commercial announcer) Professor Monkey-For-A-Head's Patented Reducing Cream, in lotion or ointment form, (normal voice) I shall crush you like...uh...some easily crushed thing."
"Hey, let's play Campfire. You can be da weenie."
"Maximum suckage..."
"(after being crushed by a train) I am...DEFINITELY...going to...feel dis...in...da...mornin'!!"
"(Running from Princess What's-Her-Name) I shouldv'e been a florist, like momma wanted me to!"
"Da wages of sin is death, but da hours are good."
(To the audience) "Dig me, Am I evil or what?"
"At last! It is mine and what not! The mightiest object in the universe! The Orb Of Quite Remarkable Power! (laughs maniacally)"
"I love the smell of bacon in the morning." (Earthworm Jim 3D)

Professor Monkey-For-A-Head

"You now have only the strength of an ordinary person. (Jim body slams him) Correction - an ordinary, really big person."
"Before I took Psycrow's course, I was a simple dairy farmer. Now dig me! I've got a monkey grafted to my head!" (monkey jabbers) "No, I was not making eyes at the gorilla! I am a happily grafted man!"
(testing his Hypno-laser on a chicken) "When I snap my fingers, you will be a chicken! (snaps fingers; the chicken starts running around squawking) It's the ultimate weapon! And great fun at parties. (Monkey jabbers) Perhaps you're right. Maybe we should test it on a subject who's not already a chicken..."
"Now I'll freeze you as solid as... uh... a solid freezy, frozen thing. (Monkey jabbers) Oh right. Thank you. A block of ice!"
"I told him not to shoot my right profile! He made me look like some kind of freak!"
(after Monkey turns on the TV to Earthworm Jim) "Turn that off! You know I hate that program!"
"It's not all champagne, you know. Sometimes there's real pain, too."
"You haven't seen the last of me, Earthworm Jim!" (Monkey jabbers) Alright, alright. You haven't seen the last of us!
"Now, I will fry your puny worm body, and the supersuit, will once again, be mine! (Monkey jabbers) Fine, fine, fine, once again, be ours, satisfied?"

Evil the Cat

"History will remember me as the cat who destroyed the universe!!... Except there won't be any historians."
"This spell will require the most loathsome things in exsistance. Eye of a newt; black cat's bone thrice boiled at midnight; 'You may have already won' letter..."
"This is Evil the Cat! (british accent) Geeve me that sneow gleobe over thea!"
"(After rupturing the Universe) YEAS! Victory is mine!... (Evil the Cat gets sucked out of the Universe)... uh oh."
"Oh, boo hoo. I am a small child and not a cat. I am so bored and wish I had some amusing book full of entertainment. Did I mention I'm not a cat?"
"Hello, I'm just an ordinary businessman from Omaha. Any resemblance to a cat is purely coincidental."
"Hello, despite my appearance I'm not Evil the Cat in a cunning disguise"
"A minor setback"

Bob the Killer Goldfish

"If you want a job done right, hire a guy with a monkey for a head. That's what I always say."
(as Jim destroys his stuff) "My Robo-Squid... my Cyber-Tuna... my Techno-Sturgeon... my Ming vases."
(After Number 4 threw him on Jim) "How many times have I told you? I am NOT to be used as a projectile!"

Queen Slug-For-A-Butt

"Earthworm Jim! You have until sunset to bring me your suit, or I will destroy this pitiful town! Thank you and have a nice day. This message will repeat."
"I will chop you into bits so small, you could fit them through a screen door!!"
"(As the Zurb Warriors retreat) COWARDS! Your bones will be my hockey sticks, and your skulls, my pucks!"
"I shall destroy you Earthworm Jim!...AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, TOO!"
"Come out and face your doom like a... Big... Worm thingy"
"Find Earthworm Jim or I will feast on your entrails at dawn! Ah, make that ten-thirty, I usually sleep in on Wednesdays.

Narrator

"On the distant planet of Heck, Evil the Cat is preparing to destroy the universe. Oh, sorry, my mistake. He's just watching TV."
"Will Jim and Peter be devoured by the killer ants? Will Psycrow destroy the Earth? Will the U.S. ever adopt the Metric system? I think not."
"Later, our heroes skip through the woods, which you may have noticed since you can actually see them."
"Oh, the horror, the humanity, and other big H words! Will Jim be eaten alive by the ferocious mutant alligator? (alligator mom does so) Well, that answers that. Man, how's he going to get out of this one? Stay tuned to find out!"
"Story opens at the patch that is all of pure, noble and good. No, sorry. It actually opens at the whitehouse."
"Soon, everyone in the world has turned into an ape, well, except our stunt heroes of course, right yes of course, and Cody, and most of Nebraska. Oh oh right! The point it a whole lot a poeple have turned into apes."

Dialogue

Professor Monkey-For-A-Head: I remember it as if it were yesterday... yesterday... yesterday...
Psycrow: It was yesterday!
Professor Monkey-For-a-Head: Quiet! I'm setting up a flashback!
Psycrow: Hey! We didn't defeat Earthworm Jim yet!
Professor Monkey-For-A-Head: You are responsible for that worm, you know. You were supposed to take the suit to the queen. But no, you had to go and lose it!
Psycrow: Hey, you're the one who built the suit in the first place!
Professor Monkey-For-A-Head: Yellow belly!
Psycrow: Know-it-all!
Professor Monkey-For-A-Head: Bubble head!
Psycrow: Monkey fancier!
Professor Monkey-For-A-Head: (pulls out a massive gun and points it at Psycrow) You leave my monkey out of this!
Peter: (as Jim shaves) You're just going out for a pizza. I hardly call it a date. By the way, you don't have facial hair.
Jim: I know that! You think I don't know that? I just want everything to be perfect! And I only have 36 hours to get ready!
Jim: (trying to get restaurant reservations over the phone) Of course I'm really the king of Spain! Yes, I can prove it. Soy el rey de... Esponja.
Peter: Um, Jim, you just told him you're the king of Sponge.
Peter: Say, big fella. When's the last time you had that suit cleaned?
Jim: Let's see... Approximately never. What's your point?
Jim: Were you expecting an unexpected visitor?
Peter: How could they be unexpected if I expected them?
Jim: Enough of this witty banter, I'll answer the door.
Jim: I love vending machine food! All those little chefs making sandwiches, wrapping them up tight then sending them off kitchen fresh to the vending machine. Yum-bo-licious!
Peter: (reading sandwich wrapper) "Best if eaten by June 14, 2006 BC."
Peter: Jim, what's that!?
Jim: The most horrible peril in all the universe!
Peter: A gym teacher?
Jim: ...OK, the second most horrible peril. A black hole!
Jim: This better not be like the time I found that Magic Staple in my coleslaw!
Peter: It wasn't magic, Jim. The waiter just said that to shut you up.
Sword of Righteousness: Now you shall learn the Portal of Time! I can slash holes through the fabric of time, taking you to any period in history!
Jim: Double-plus groovy! Okay, okay, okay. Peter, stare at the penny and watch Lincoln's face change! (slashes a slit in the air and enters, arriving at the Gettysburg Address)
Lincoln: Four score and seven years ago... (Jim shaves off Lincoln's beard as the crowd gasps) And that's a big good-bye to my credibility.
Jim: (upon returning) Did it change, little buddy? Huh?!
Peter: (dressed like Colonel Sanders, talking with a Southern accent) Where y'all been now, Earthworm Bubba?
Jim: Heh heh... I think the training's going quite well. I mean, apart from changing the course of history.
Sword of Righteousness: Listen to me! You are going to put Lincoln's beard back! And then, no more time travel for you, young worm!
Jim: I'd like to learn to speak whale, please!
College staff: A STUDENT!!! (cash register KA-CHING)
Peter: Jim, those are my comic books!
Jim: So? Are you suggesting they are less than completely factual?
Peter: No, I just don't want you to wreck them.
Jim: Wahh! When I was young I wet the burrow! Wahh!
Peter: Um, thanks for sharing...
Sword of Righteousness: You stink at this magic power stuff, you know.
Narrator: Meanwhile, ominous deeds are afoot on the Far-Off Planet of Easily Frightened People.
Aliens: Ahh! A crow! Ahh! A rock!
Psycrow: (laughs) I love dis planet.
Aliens: Ahh! A bug! Ahh! Air!
Evil: We must have more speed!
Henchrat: (imitating Scotty from Star Trek) I cannot do it, Captain! She'll not take the strain!
Evil: Why are you talking like that?
Henchrat: (normal voice) Um... Henchrat not know.
Psychiatrist: So tell me, why do you feel like two minds trapped in the same body?
Professor Monkey-For-A-Head: Are you blind?! I've got a mo--
Psychiatrist: I was talking to the monkey.
Professor Monkey-For-A-Head: Oh, terribly sorry.
Jim: Morning, neighbor!
Neighbor: Morning, hideous freak of nature!
Peter: Check it out, Jim. I got a card from my uncle Rex.
Jim: I thought you were the only dog in the world who could write.
Peter: I am. Listen to this: "Dear Peter. I find bone. Bone good. Arf." You call that writing? I mean, c'mon, he even spelled "Arf" wrong!
Psychiatrist: Professor Monkey-For-A-Head, I'd like you to meet the other members of the group: Senator Warthog-For-A-Head, Doctor Elephant-For-A-Head, and of course, Cabdriver Oyster-For-A-Head.
Cabdriver Oyster-For-A-Head: Hey, I'm sorry, but you guys got much worse problems than me!
Jim: We must find that treacherous cat!
Peter: And save the universe!
Jim: To heck with the universe! I want my book back! (starts sobbing) I loved Fuzzy Wuzzy like a brother!
Jim: My candied apple of ecstacy, dangling over a pit of rabid lawyers! The horror! The horror! Hey, she's wearing that outfit I got her for Christmas last year. Aww.
Princess What's-Her-Name: Help me Earthworm Jim, you're my only hope. Help me Earthworm Jim, you're my only hope. Help me Earthworm Jim, you're my only hope. Help me Earthworm Jim, you're my...
Jim: I get the idea! Yeesh, like I need more pressure!
Jim: I could even up the odds if only I could destroy [the Queen's] mighty scepter.
Peter: But it's solid Dymantium, the hardest substance in existence.
Jim: (pulls out the nutlog) You mean the second-hardest!
TV News Reporter: Last night, there was a mysterious crime spree including a bank robbery,
Jim: Pfft! Big deal.
TV News Reporter:...acts of random destruction,
Jim: Kid stuff.
TV News Reporter:... and the thieft of containment packets from fast food joints.
Jim: (Gasp) THE FIEND!! He must be stopped for the good of mankind!
Evil Jim: I am your exact opposite. What you love, I hate. What you hate, I love! You know when you brush your teeth and then drink orange juice?
Jim: Oh, I hate that!
Evil Jim: I love it! See what I mean? So I'm going to destroy the thing you love most in all the world.
Jim: (gasps) No! Not...
Evil Jim: That's right, the Terlawk Mall! Ciao!
Jim: That unspeakable monster! Only the worst sort of fiend says "Ciao"!
Peter: (at the International House of Haggis) Hey...this haggis stuff is great!! Say, how come no one comes here, anyway? (takes a big bite of haggis)
Jim: Because haggis is made from the heart, lungs and liver of a sheep boiled in its own stomach.
Peter: (looks absolutely repulsed)
Narrator: Will the Earth be conquered by this treacherous goldfish? Will Jim become aquainted with the fishy digestive system? Can Peter beat an inside straight?
Peter: (playing cards) Not stinkin' likely.
Jim: After your last plan, I think I'm justified in saying stuff it!
Peter: I, a good sidekick, will now refrain from pointing out that Jim came up with the exact same plan!
Narrator: Meanwhile, Peter has reached a very important decision.
Peter: This one definitely tastes more like butter!
Narrator: Not that decision!
Psycrow: If Earthworm Jim doesn't cough up his super-suit in the next 20 minutes, you will suffer a fate worse den death!
What's-Her-Name: Uh-huh. Such as...?
Psycrow: Huh? Oh, I dunno, somethin' really awful, with pointy... and little chafe 'n stuff...
What's-Her-Name: Fate worse than death? Oh, big talker.
Peter: Aren't you gonna remove your helmet in the presence of a lady?
Psycrow: A lady?
Peter: OK, a dog in a dress. Just take off your helmet, pin head!
Evil: Souvenir inspector; I have come to check your snowglobes for, uh... safety violations.
Peter: Hey Jim, Evil the Cat's here in a cunning disguise.
Narrator: ...But when the forces of nervous energy and relaxation energy come together, the result is... the destruction of the entire universe!
(A huge circle of energy appears and destroys everything in the universe, leaving only Jim and Psycrow standing.) Psycrow: Good going, ace!
Jim: Let's just acknowledge that I made a mistake, and move on.
Psycrow: Move on?! How can we move on?! The entire universe is destroyed!
Jim: Oh, come on! There must be something left! (the Energizer Bunny walks by) Oh yeah, I bet someone thought that was real funny!
Psycrow: Couldn't you build anudder suit?
Prof. Monkey-for-a-head: Well, I suppose I could. But the suit's power comes from the Battery of the Gods, and I only had one. I tried to get another, and the gods turned me into a... bread maker!
Psycrow: Pffft...! You're not a bread maker!
Prof. Monkey-for-a-head: Oh yeah? check this out. (starts grunting and wincing until a loaf of bread pops out of his coat) Actually, it's kind of handy. If I twist the monkey's tail, I can make pumpernickel.
Narrator: Back in his secret HQ, our hero has one final, desperate idea.
Jim: I know, we'll get help from... the audience!! I'll get super powers if you all just believe! (to audience) Believe and clap really hard!! (waits silently for a moment, then turns to Peter) Well, are they clapping?
Peter: Uh, a few of them. Most of them are just changing the channel.
Jim: Well, we defeated Evil, we saved the universe, and we're reunited with the pudgy-wudgy hippo. Life is good. There's only one thing that could spoil my good mood now.
Peter: What's that, Jim? (A cow suddenly lands on Jim) Oh.
Peter: Once again, villainy is as rotting meat before the maggots of justice.
Jim: (Keeps himself from vomiting) Thanks for jamming that delightful image into my brain, Peter.
Award Show Host: And the award for "Best Supporting Animal" goes to...Evil T. Cat. (Evil walks up to the podium, his face and attire resembling Cary Grant)
Evil: Um...uh...ur...duh...(goes on for a few seconds) Hang on, I had a speech all written up. It's here somewhere. (pulls it out) Yes. Destroy...
Award Show Host: Sorry, gotta keep it moving. Thank you. (throws Evil into the alley)
Evil: (moaning) Well, that's show biz.
Evil: Now I shall learn the location of... the book! (There is a dramatic guitar chord.)
Henchrat: No, boss! Not... the book! (Another guitar chord.)
Evil: Yes! The book! (There is one more guitar chord and Evil finds it coming from another Henchrat playing electric guitar. He boots it.) Yes! The book!
Jim: (walks up in cleaning apron) Okay. I've finished doing the dishes, de-grouting the bathtub, and cleaned out the stables of the Twelve Incontinent Bulls. Tell me, O wise Sword of Righteousness, were these menial tasks meant to teach me humility?
Sword of Righteousness: No, they just needed to be done. I wasn't gonna do it.
Jim: Mmmmmm-mmmmmm! Smells as fresh and clean as a country road.
Peter: Obviously, you've never been to the country. Does the term "horse apples" mean anything to you?
Psycrow: Face your doom, spineless worm thingy.
Jim: Is that supposed to be an insult? I really don't have a spine, you know.
Jim: (facing an army of Queen Slug-For-A-Butt's Zurb guards) Eat dirt, giant undefeatable army!!! (scene cuts to a TV news flash)
Newswoman: News flash! Costs of cartoons skyrocket. Animators seek cheap substitutes for huge action sequences. (cuts back to Jim, standing over the defeated Zurbs)
Jim: What a huge action sequence! I never thought we'd survive.
Jim: Ha, I outnumber you one to seven!
(Monkey jabbers)
Jim: Sorry, eight.
Professor Monkey-For-A-Head: Ok, rulers of the universe, put us in charge or I'll destroy the universe with my incredible power!
Ruler of the universe alien: Of course, you can prove this power of yours.
Professor Monkey-For-A-Head: (Takes a muffin from a plate of muffins) This, is the universe. (Crushes the muffin in his hand)
Another ruler of the universe alien: (Rulers of the universe gasp) His power surpasses belief, we must surrender at once!
Peter: (Picks up newspaper) Ooh the funnies! (Looking at Jim dancing in slow motion) Why are you moving in slow motion?
Jim: (Stamers) Oh, I'm just messing with the laws of gravity the best I can.
Narrator: Having been stricked out of his hero status, Earthwom Jim is now the sidekick, while Peter Puppy has been promoted to superhero. Peter accepts the mental of hero with utmost seriousness.
Peter: (Activates springs from the suit that come out from the feet, making him bounce) Sproing! I got the supersuit! I got the supersuit!
Queen Slug-For-A-Butt: (Laughs Maniacally) With the power of your suit, I will conquer the universe!
Zurb Warrior: Oh great Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-Filled, Malformed, Slug-For-A-Butt. Erm... I don't think it's gonna fit in you.
Queen Slug-For-A-Butt: Are you saying I'm FAT?!?! (Whacks the Zurb Warrior with her scepter) I'll MAKE it fit!"
Reindeer: "It wasn't me, it was an insect with a butt the size of a Macy's Day Parade!"
Earthworm Jim: (gasp) "Rush Limbaugh!"
Earthworm Jim: Gah! My one weakness! Wormkenite!
Princess Whats-Her-Name: (to Peter) Wormkenite?
Peter: It's a mysterious substance that has unpredictable effects on Jim.
Princess Whats-Her-Name: Well, uh, is it from another galaxy or something?
Peter: No, he found it in the fridge one day. We think maybe it used to be cheese.
Earthworm Jim: Peter! Wake up! The trout came to me in a dream. No! A vision!

Peter: Oh goody. The days just begun, and already your mind has snapped like a dry and brittle twig.

Earthworm Jim: Halt, my fishy foe! I have come to rend your fiendish plan asunder, like so much used facial tissue!

Peter: Well put, almighty hero!

Theme Song

Chorus: Earthworm Jim!
Main Singer: Through the soil he did crawl
Chorus: Earthworm Jim!
Main Singer: A super suit did fall
Jim was just a dirt-eating chewy length of worm flesh
But all that came to a crashing end. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Chorus: Earthworm Jim!
Main Singer: He's such a groovy guy
Chorus: Earthworm Jim!
Main Singer: He rockets through the sky
Cruising through the universe
Having lots of fun
Here comes Earthworm Jim
You know that he's the mighty one, look out!
(suspenseful musical interlude)
Despite his great big muscles and his really big ray gun
Jim is still an earthworm
But then he's the only one
With a super suit to make him really super strong
Jim can be a winner if we only sing along
Chorus: Earthworm Jim!
Peter: We think he's mighty fine
Chorus: Earthworm Jim!
Peter: A hero for all time
Chorus: Earthworm, Earthworm, Earthworm
Earthworm Jim
Hooray for him!
Jim: Groovy!

Quoternity