Everwood Quotations

Everwood is an American television show, airing on the WB network, about a widowed brain surgeon from Manhattan who moves his two children to the small mountain town of Everwood, Colorado.

Pilot [1.1]

Ephram: You know what? Everyone said you were crazy. And you know what? News flash, you are. All right, you quit your job, you grow this ugly ass beard, you look like you wear your clothes to bed and you move us to No-wheres-ville U.S.A.! And why? Because someone told you it was pretty once.!? And if that's not enough, you talk to mom like she's still here, I've seen you and Delia has too. What do I have to say to myself?! What do you have to say to yourself?!

Dr. Brown: I can't believe you think my beard is ugly.

Ephram: Mom would have never had done this to us! She never would've moved us here and gone crazy!

Dr. Brown: Don't be so sure of that!

Ephram: I am sure! All right, I knew her. You didn't know her. We all just tolerated you!

Dr. Brown: Hey, that's pretty good, what else you got?!

Ephram: I wish you died instead of her!

Dr. Brown: Well, I wish I did too you little bastard!

Ephram: I hate you!

Dr. Brown: Well, I hate you right back! Now get in that house!

Ephram: I'm going for a ride! (He grabs his bike)

Dr. Brown: Oh, yeah?!

Ephram: "Yeah!

Dr. Brown: At some point you're getting in that house!

Ephram: [to Bright] I'm sorry, I don't speak Dumbass.

Nina: You want a cup of coffee?

Dr. Brown: Only if it's spiked.

Nina: Hi, I'm Nina Feeny. I'm your neighbor.

Dr. Brown: That's a weird coincidence because I'm your neighbor.

Amy: Smell. The cold smells like pine... or the pine smells like cold... something.

The Great Doctor Brown [1.2]

Dr. Brown: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, excellent choice, Delia.

Ephram: Don't let her watch it.

Delia: Be quiet.

Dr. Brown: Am I missing something?

Ephram: Eight years of raising her. She can't watch that movie, it upsets her.

Delia: It does not.

Ephram: Well, that is if you don't count the screaming and nights on my floor.

Dr. Brown: Delia?

Delia: Well, it used to scare me, but it doesn't anymore.

Ephram: Ah, that's what she always says. Like a junkie begging for more smack.

Delia: I'm not a junkie, you're a junkie.

Dr. Brown: Nobody's a junkie in this house.

Ephram: So what do people do up here, besides wait for an early demise... and ask really dumb questions

Amy: Actually I brought you up here to tell you something very important. Grover.

Ephram: Grover?

Amy: It's my nickname.

Deer God [1.5]

Dr. Brown: What is that out front?

Ephram: Doe, a deer. A female deer.

Till Death Do Us Part [1.8]

[Amy is nervously trying to explain how she is fine and notices that Ephram is just staring at her]

Amy: What?

Ephram: You're talking faster than my brain processes language.

Dr. Brown: Do me a favor, you know how you normally behave?

Ephram: Distant and miserable?

Dr. Brown: Yeah. Do the opposite.

Ephram: [to dad] Look. I'm Superdad let's fish and make waffles.

Dr. Brown: You know, when your mother died, a thousand people said a thousand stupid things to me and I just wanted one of them to give me a reason not to die.

Dr. Brown: [to Ephram] You know, you're grandfather thinks I'm only half a person - and if you leave - he'll be right.

Dr. Abbott: And behold the people, who had every attribute of dogs, except loyalty.

Ephram: You know, no offense, but he's really my least favorite thing about you.

Bright: Yeah, well, you're really my least favorite thing about you.

Ephram: Dude, you really gotta work on the insults

Ephram: You gotta stop doing that.

Amy: What?

Ephram: Saying things that make me wanna kiss you.

Amy: Ephram Brown, the melting man. The melting man, Ephram Brown.

Ephram: He's quiet.

Amy: He's not having the best day. They say it's his last

Ephram: [to Amy] I haven't made anything for myself here... except you.

Ephram: [to Bright] You guys choreograph the bathroom stall exit, and I'm the loser?

Amy: What exactly is going on between you and Colin? I mean, why are you being all buddy buddy with him?

Ephram: First of all, I'm not being all buddy buddy with anyone, all right? He approached me.

Amy: He did, why? I-I mean, why?

Ephram: I don't know, maybe he thinks I'm pretty.

[about Colin]

Dr. Brown: Are you two friends now?

Ephram: Kinda. Turns out we have some stuff in common.

Dr. Brown: You mean Amy?

Ephram: Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with Amy.

Dr. Brown: So why don't you go sit with him?

Ephram: Because of Amy.

Bright: We were like Mike and Scottie. Only shorter... and whiter.

[to Ephram]

Dr. Brown: Now, if you choose not to respond to my parental authority, I should warn you, I have mind altering drugs in the other room and I'm not afraid to use them.

Dr. Brown: Are you dilated yet?

Rev. Keyes: I'm not sure, but everything has a rainbow halo around it. You look like Jesus.

Dr. Brown: I get that a lot.

[to Colin]

Ephram: You know, you're the only guy I know who's so dark it turns me into an optimist. It's kinda scary.

[to Rev. Keyes]

Dr. Brown: I melt down, you practically carry me home, and YOU want to say sorry? You - you're like a saint, only annoying.

[to a girl he's going to get 'lucky' with after he spots his unconscious father]

Bright: I have to go help my dad. If I die and don't go to Heaven, I'm gonna be so pissed

Amy: How long were you there?

Ephram: Long enough to move on.

Dr. Brown: Clue doesn't come travel sized?

Ephram: One of the world's greater atrocities.

Bright: You know, there's a reason men don't wear ruffles.

Colin: It's not that bad. If this were 1775, you'd be a total chick magnet.

Bright: Uh, Dad, depending on how many people are there today, do you think I could borrow that rifle to shoot myself?

Delia: I don't think I'm going to be a brain surgeon when I grow up.

Dr. Brown: No? Why not?

Delia: Well, for one thing, you have to wake up early. Even on Saturday.

Dr. Brown: Yeah, that can be a drawback.

Delia: And because I'm probably going to be a tap dancer.

Dr. Brown: I thought you were going to be a fireman.

Delia: I'm going to do that, too. During the day.

Ephram: So, what's he like? Colin.

Nina: He's a charmer. You know, he's the kind of kid who forgets to mow your lawn for two weeks, then when he finally comes, you end up paying him for three. I think he was All State football. And pretty smart, too.

Ephram: So he's basically like God.

Colin: [to Bright] Hey, Johnny Tremain. Wanna see something that will knock your pantaloons off?

Mole: Nice truck, Hart. Too bad it's your Daddy's.

Colin: Whatever, McNally. Like I can't drive this whenever I want.

Mole: I'm sure you can.

Colin: Besides your brother there is still the kid who threw up on the DMV guy during his driving test.

Dr. Brown: Somewhere, Jerry Garcia is weeping.

Rose: I just don't know what Irma was doing with all this marijuana.

Dr. Brown: Well, I can certainly guess what she was doing with some of it.

[Bright watches the marijuana being brought into the Abbott house]

Bright: This is totally great. The dudes at school are not gonna believe this.

Rose: [seeing her husband peer out the window] What are you looking for?

Dr. Abbott: Trouble.

Rose: Which starts with 'T', which rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pot'?

Dr. Abbott: Oh, joke away my dear. Once word gets out, every dope fiend and pot head within 50 miles is gonna come sniffing around this house.

Rose: And do what? Roll around on the front lawn stoned? Its not catnip, Harold.

[about being friends with Ephram]

Bright: He's not like us, Colin. Trust me, I know him and I know you. It's like ketchup and peanut butter... really bad.

Ephram: Let's talk about this "E" thing. Who came up with that?

Colin: Probably Bright...

Amy: What are you wearing to Colin's?

Bright: Clothes...

Dr. Brown: How are things with you and Amy?

Ephram: I don't know, we haven't been talking that much.

Dr. Brown: oh yeah... when did this happen?

Ephram: A while ago, you were too busy being clueless.

Dr. Brown: Oh. What happened? Did you kiss her?

[Ephram looks at Andy in awe]

Dr. Brown: I'm not that clueless.

Dr. Brown: Did you two find God nicely?

Delia: Yup.

Dr. Brown: Where was He?

Delia: In the gas tank.

Dr. Brown: I knew it.

Ephram: [drunk] Greetings tree, I am your sprinkler.

Dr. Abbott: Newsflash Dr Brown, you're not here to save the world. Only to annoy it.

Dr. Brown: So how's the Amy situation working out?

Ephram: What Amy situation?

Dr. Brown: Ohh... that good huh?

Ephram: Oh it's fantastic. I'm a really important friend.

Dr. Brown: So have you heard? Everwood is now officially dope-free.

Ephram: Bright moved?

Ephram: Come on, you're a sock. Why do you have to fight me all the way up?

Laynie: I hate that the egg rolls at Gino Chang's smell like lasagna.

Ephram: I hate that everything's a fest. Thaw fest, fly fest, pie fest. What does that even mean? What's so festive about catching a fish or watching a guy melt?

Laynie: I hate that they call it "Main Street" even though it's pretty much the only one. Why don't they just call it "street"?

Ephram: Do you have a subway map of another city covering one of the walls in your room?

Laynie: Do you pick colleges based on how far away they are from here?

Ephram: Have you ever had that dream where you're trapped in a sewer for life, and you wake up and you're disappointed that you're still in Everwood?

Laynie: Do you have a packed bag and a plane ticket in your room?

Ephram: Oh come on.

Laynie: You don't believe me? I'll show you!

Ephram: No, I believe you. I've kept the bag around for a while, I just haven't gotten around to buying the ticket yet.

Ephram: [to Amy] You've turned your entire schedule into something the President couldn't even handle! Not that that's saying much!

Dr. Brown: I'll make it up to you, I promise I won't cook dinner for a whole week.

Bright: Do you think if aliens would probe you, you'd still be considered a virgin?

Ephram: Do you have a boyfriend?

Amy: Yes. But I want you to meet him. If you do, you'll understand.

Ephram: That was right on my list of things to do today, right between picking up my dry cleaning and chopping off my hand.

Ephram: I'd like to take a moment and point out that this is by far the weirdest restaurant we've ever been to, and we're from New York City where we're regularly served by drag queens named Frank.

Bright: Hey, I gotta talk to you about something.

Ephram: What? You got the results back from your IQ test? You failed?

Ephram: Look, Amy, I know this sucks for you because of Colin and I want to be there for you, I do, but I can't do this anymore. I can't keep being your second choice, not when you're my first.

Amy: Maybe love's like math. You don't get better at it but you just get used to it. Simple equations with the occasional variable.

Ephram: I hope not. I suck at math.

Dr. Brown: You might wanna work on your bedside manner, Ephram. You just cleared the room.

Ephram: Yeah, I noticed that. Thank you.

Delia: Set the table doofus, if you can even do that...

Harold: We got here as fast as we could, which wasn't very fast.

Brenda Baxworth: Just what makes you so sure he's innocent, doc?

Dr. Abbott: Because Marvin Harrison was my father's closest friend. He's no more a murderer than any of you are civilized.

Laynie: Nightmare, isn't it?

Ephram: What's going on, except my exact version of 'hell on earth'?

Laynie: Spoils of war. The result of a commercially financed assault against the unattached individual.

Ephram: Valentines Day?

Laynie: Week after is always the hardest. These newbie couples have the lifespan of a monarch butterfly. By Friday, the halls will be littered with their crispy corpses.

Laynie: You looked so uncomfortable the other day. Like I embarrassed you or something.

Ephram: Look, I'm gonna mess up because that's just what I do. But at least give me a chance to mess up. I mean, I'm capable of such stupidity that you'd be wasting my talent by ending this now.

Irv: I know I bore Edna.

Dr. Abbott: I've bored Rose since the day we met. I think she makes shopping lists in her head while I'm talking to her.

Edna: I did pick up a thing or two from my 'rumble in the jungle'. Maybe they'd apply.

Dr. Brown: As long as you don't ask the cast to make necklaces out of ears, then, yeah, go for it.

Dr. Brown: There's someone in my office...

Edna: Gee, no wonder you brain surgeons make so much money.

Dr. Brown: Isn't he supposed to be dead?

Edna: Yeah, I thought that was a little weird, too.

Ephram: I say we keep walking until we run out of fries.

Amy: You know, we can always buy more fries.

Laynie: I found him after school at the post office hanging around the outbound mail box. I think someone was trying to return him.

Laynie: Happy people depress me. Drunk, happy people make me want to slit my wrists.

Bright: The way you handled those guys at the party... that was... you were...

Ephram: Bright, I get it. Eloquence is not your thing.

Delia: Are you having a fight?

Dr. Abbott: Perpetually, child.

Dr. Brown: [in a letter to Julia] Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fall asleep and I would never think about the hours. Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only... I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair... Every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day... Don't you see? My heart beats only for you. Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember of my love. A warm hand, a warm breath. Your warm mouth. Your arms around mine... I remember feeling safe, cease-less. Like one person. The two of us still, at rest, entwined... I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where did they go? All the things we think and feel but don't say. Dear Valentine... These are the things I never told you. These are the things I need you to know. That I loved you always. And my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently. That if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that isn't true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is except one. I wouldn't say goodbye.

Season Two

[inviting Linda]

Dr. Brown: Hey, can Linda come out and play?

Mindy Wheeler: [planning a surprise party for her friend] She's clueless as a playboy bunny, so don't spill the beans.

Ephram: No problem there. All beans shall remain unspilt.

Bright: [talking about Hannah, dismayed] She's not going to have premarital sex until she's *married.*

Ephram: That's...

[two beat pause]

Ephram: ...never mind.

Dr. Brown: Brittany, hand me that watch and step away from the door.

Brittany: Umm...

[to the closet]

Brittany: abort... abort.

Dr. Brown: Oh, very subtle.

[Andy opens the closet and sees Delia kissing Charlie inside]
[yells]

Andy: ABORT! ABORT!

[after Dr. Brown hangs up the phone looking upset]

Delia: What is it, Dad?

Dr. Brown: Ohhhh, nothin'. A patient I diagnosed with the flue has life-threatening meningitis. And Phil the mechanic is psychic.

[after Phil diagnoses one of Dr. Brown's patients correctly]

Dr. Brown: The uhhh nurse at school was very grateful when I told her too.

Phil Drebbles: You told Hazel? Great, there'll be a mob here by lunch.

Madison: This isn't the first time Jay's walked out. He loves drama.

Ephram: How long's he been with the band?

Madison: Uhhh, he came in a couple months ago to replace this guy Kip who moved to Oregon to find himself.

[Ephram moves around the counter to read something]

Dr. Brown: How 1978.

[Dr. L. Abbott is doodling an Alfalfa Gets Geronimo'd stick figure with an arrow through its head as Louise's voice drones ever onwards into somnolent bliss]

Louise: The proliferation of 15 minute coffee breaks to include more than three per day or the extension of said breaks to encompass greater than 20 minutes of downtime in the span of a three hour period should be avoided.

[Dr. H. Abbott is reading along with his own highbrowed superfluidity of speech in a resounding No!' of silent-mouthed head shaking. Dr. L. Abbott is bored out of her wits]

Dr. Abbott: Thank you, Louise. Ahhhh, moving onto this month's management topics.

Linda: You mean there's something left uncovered in the October management summit of 2003? I'm stunned.

Edna: Phil Drebbles, Marcus Welby of the paranormal. Phil's just your average guy. Has a repair shop, sells a few cars here and there. Some years back, word gets out: he has predicted Sam and Jenny Hess will have a male child before the year is out. Only everyone knows Jenny can't get pregnant on account of her ovaries were malformed at birth. By St. Patrick's Day, Jenny knew she was pregnant. And around Halloween, Baxter was born. Well, you can imagine. The whole town beat for a path to Phil's repair shop. Finally about eight months or so, he makes the mother of all predictions: a flood is gonna hit Everwood...

[Dr. Brown chuckles as does Edna]

Edna: ...and, well, by now, his word is golden. Everybody packs up, evacuates the town and...

[Dr. Brown finishes]

Dr. Brown: No flood!

[Edna chuckles again]

Edna: Not a drop. Drought that year as I recall...

[Ephram's new car which he's not all too thrilled with]

Dr. Brown: Voted safest...

[Ephram interjects again]

Ephram: Boat in the Navy?

[after Jay acts up at practice again]

Ephram: Thank God the mad genius is back. You know, you guys can really use a visionary like him?

Madison: He just likes to make sure his presence is felt.

Ephram: Oh believe me. I'm feelin' it.

[after Ephram helps her with her song]

Madison: Why didn't you tell me you were some kind of prodigy?

Ephram: Well, prodigy would imply youth while I'm actually an

[deepens voice]

Ephram: old soul. At least somebody once told me that. So, you like it?

[Linda has just asked her mom to use her truck so she can move her stuff]

Edna: Sure, you wouldn't rather take Irv's rifle?

Linda: Don't tempt me.

[Edna has just called Andy a nincompoop for not telling Linda how he feels]

Dr. Brown: Well, what do you want me to do Edna? I offered to help her yesterday and she didn't want it.

Edna: You're a grown man with a post graduate degree! Figure it out!

Dr. Brown: Besides, you know I-I-I think, you might be overestimating Linda's...

Edna: I KNOW that girl. I know how she looks when she's excited about something. And for reasons unknown given your complete incompetence in the dating arena, she's excited about you.

[after Jay kissed Madison in front of Ephram]

Ephram: Why didn't you tell me Jay was your boyfriend?

Madison: He's not my boyfriend. We just hang out, sometimes.

Ephram: Like now? Like when you, when he's got his tongue so far down your throat I thought I was gonna have to give you oxygen?

Linda: Well, I probably won't move again for another year.

Dr. Brown: You mean I gotta do this again in another 12 months?

Bright: I go where the booty goes.

[makes a whip noise]

Ephram: I thought that that was a code!

Madison: What? When I said my roommate was going out of town and I wanted you to come over, that's ALL I meant!

Ephram: I thought we were gonna... ya know.

Madison: Okay, you're not allowed to hang out with Bright anymore.

[after Madison's unpleasant "first time" story]

Ephram: Would it be bad if I said I wished I'd been there? I mean, not in a creepy "I'd like to watch" sort of way, I just don't like the idea of you ever being unhappy - even in the past.

Bright:: Sometimes your pride comes before your nads. Not often, but sometimes.

Ephram: Let's face it. We were never really friends, we were just...

Madison: ...in love.

Linda: Every time I come here I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit whole into some other time and place.

Dr. Brown: I have similar thoughts every day.

[Madison is talking to Ephram]

Madison: Listen, if you need any help with your homework or anything later, let me know, ok? And if you're going to be gone more than an hour, let me know. I don't want to worry.

Dr. Abbott: My daughter is dating a parolled addict.

Dr. Brown: My 16 year-old son is dating his 20 year old baby sitter.

Dr. Abbott: Barkeep, two more.

Ephram: Look, I, last night, what I said, I, uh, I didn't, I mean, I uh think that you're a really really great singer and I, I uh shouldn't have said anything. OK? I'm sorry.

Madison: Was that an apology?

Ephram: It was supposed to be, uh yeah.

Madison: Not great.

Ephram: Oh well. It was a rough draft I was gonna polish it up and give it to ya a little later.

[Deila catches Ephram watching Madison exit a room with a dreamy expression]

Ephram: What?

Delia: Boys are so obvious.

Edna: You like Linda, she likes you, and you're both nincompoops who do nothing about it.

Dr. Brown: The thing is, I promised Delia I wouldn't go out with her.

Edna: You also promised Delia a horse. I don't see Mr. Ed galloping around here.

Linda: I tried living by Buddha's rule "Live simply". Then I started collecting Buddhas.

Dr. Brown: Enlightenment has a lot of props.

Dr. Abbott: You never take any responsibility for your own actions. Do you blame Colin, Dr. Brown, us?

Amy: No, I just blame you.

Harold: Okay, then, Amy, you want a prescription? Here, I'll write you a prescription.

Rose: Harold.

Harold: No, Rose, I don't know what else to do. I'm at my wits end.

[scribbles on a prescription pad]

Harold: Here's your prescription for Amy Abbott. Not my daughter because my daughter would never do this.

Phil Drebbles: People don't really want the truth, they just want good news.

Linda: Mom, I'm not putting up my own roadblocks.

Edna: Well you sure as hell aren't pulling any down.

[after finding out her daughter has HIV]

Edna: Why didn't you tell me?

Linda: Because I didn't want to worry you. Besides, I didn't want the whole town to know.

Edna: I'm not the whole town.

Madison: Ephram, you don't even know me.

Ephram: I may not know everything about you but I know that you're the only one who makes my little sister think that it's okay to be a girl. And I know that you're only with Jay because you think he can take you where he can't. Because it's easier to say that I'm too young than to risk something you think you want. And I also know that ever since I kissed you at the DMV and every time I've seen you, I've wanted to kiss you again. And I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty certain, that you have, too.

[they kiss]

Ephram: Thought so.

[shows Ephram his new car]

Dr. Brown: There she blows!

Delia: You can say that again.

Ephram: Emphasis on blows.

[Phil hands Ephram the keys to his new car]

Phil Drebbles: Hop In. Your future awaits.

Ephram: If this is my future, even my past is startin' to look good.

Older Car Salesman: She ain't much to look at that's true, but your girl will like her.

Ephram: Oh, I don't have a girl and I don't think that I'm going to be getting any with this thing. No offence, but this is kinda a mojo killer and I don't have any to spare.

Older Car Salesman: No the girl that's right for you - she'll like this car.

Ephram: What, some kind of weed out? Thanks but my face has that covered.

Older Car Salesman: There's a girl who you like, who likes you. She like's the car.

Ephram: A specific girl who likes this car?

Older Car Salesman: Don't listen to me. What does a guy with grease under his nails know about romance? Here, hop in your future awaits.

Ephram: If this is my future that even my past is starting to look good.

Madison: Ephram, you left the house. Why, was it on fire?

Ephram: The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

Andy: You haven't even touched your... millet pilaf, at least try it.

Delia: I don't want to.

Andy: Delia, this is not a request.

Delia: It tastes like shit.

Andy: What did you just say?

Delia: I said... it tastes... like shit.

[Ephram starts laughing]

Andy: All right, that's it. You go to your room right now. Ephram, stop laughing.

Ephram: [still laughing] I'm trying.

Andy: All right, you go to your room too. Everyone, go to their room this instant.

Linda: I actually don't have a room here.

Amy: ...And if you love someone... it should be easy... I love you Ephram.

Ephram: [beat] I love you too, Amy.

Amy: Yea?

Ephram: Yea.

Amy: Cool.

Quoternity