Everybody Hates Chris Quotations

Everybody Hates Chris is a sitcom television series inspired by the childhood experiences of comedian Chris Rock, who narrates the show.

Everybody Hates the Pilot [1.1]

Narrator: 1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager. I was gonna have women, money, stay out late... I thought it was gonna be the bomb! Boy, was I wrong!

Rochelle Rock: CHRIS! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat![under her breath]discusting!

Julius: If you smell smoke, and you think the house is going to catch fire, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell gas, and you think the house is going to blow up, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell smoke, and your brother catches on fire, get your sister and get out of here.

Narrator: Fortunately, the house never caught fire, and neither did my brother.

Julius: Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time while you sleep. That's two cents an hour.

[flashback]

Mr. Palmer: I didn't touch her! I don't know what you're talking about!

Narrator: Mr. Palmer was accused of doing something that we can't tell you about because of the network censors. The school settled the lawsuit out of court and he's not allowed to teach anymore. If he moves to your neighborhood, you'll get a warning.

Rochelle Rock: If I ever catch any of y'all spray-paintin' on anybody's wall, I'll put my foot so far up your behind that you'll have toes for teeth!

Rochelle Rock: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY TOWEL?!

Joey Caruso: This isn't over, nigger.

Narrator: He got away with calling me "nigger" that day. But he said it later in life at a DMX concert and got stomped half to death.

Caruso: Nice shoes, Bojangles.

Chris: Bojangles? That's not what your mother called me when I was tap-dancin' in her drawers last night.

Narrator: I know you think I'm crazy, but if I let him get away with that, he'd be doin' it all year. Now, I couldn't beat him, but I thought maybe I could out-black him.

Caruso: What?

Chris: Did I stutter?

Caruso: You know who I am?

Chris: You step on my shoe again and I'm gonna tell you who I am. I don't play that. I'm from Bed-Stuy, boy. I bring half of Marcy up in here. I will beat your butt so bad, it gonna need crutches in your sleep.

Narrator: Hey, this might work.

Julius: We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries. Chris, you can have the drink.

Chris: One time I only got ice.

Narrator: When I was 13, my mom convinced my dad to move us outta the projects. She always said "project" is just another word for "experiment." In a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives humans cheese.

Everybody Hates Keisha [1.2]

Rochelle Rock: CHRIS!

Narrator: My mother was so loud, every Chris in Brooklyn would hear her!

Everybody Hates Basketball [1.3]

Rochelle: If I ain't getting any sleep, you ain't getting any sleep.

Narrator: I sucked at every sport I tried: baseball, football... I even tried bowling.

Everybody Hates Sausage [1.4]

Narrator: It took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tonya's behind, but eventually, Tonya did eat her sausage. And as for my mother, well, to this very day, she still ain't raisin' no babies.

Everybody Hates Fat Mike [1.5]

Rochelle: Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? Dinner? Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons to you? Get over here and pick this crap up before I slap the shine off your head!

Narrator: [as Chris, Drew and Tonya mess up the house] Black people didn't go this crazy again till the L.A. riots!

Everybody Hates Halloween [1.6]

Narrator: You would think a guy that gets beat up every day wouldn't leave the house wearing tights.

Julius: That's almost $2 worth of candy in the garbage.

Everybody Hates the Babysitter [1.7]

Narrator: My mother would never hire anyone she thought was irresponsible. But irresponsible people don't tell you they're irresponsible. 'Cause they're irresponsible!

Rochelle: Boy, I'm-a kick her ass. Hold my wig.

Yvette: I'm going to run and get you guys something to eat. Watch the baby, OK?

Chris: You can't leave your baby here.

Yvette: Why not?

Chris: Because you're babysitting.

Everybody Hates the Laundromat [1.8]

Rochelle Rock: Like I told you for the hundredth time, I'm pregnant. I thought you used a condom.

Julius: I did! Damn Risky!

Narrator: Tonya's so difficult, the only reason she's a girl is because my father wanted a boy.

Everybody Hates Food Stamps [1.9]

Narrator: Some people count sheep. My father counted CHEAP.

Narrator: From the time he was a kid to the time he was an adult, my father loved to find money.

Child Julius: Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter! I love you, quarter... I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard!

[flashback: woman giving birth]

Doctor: It's a boy!

Julius: I found a dollar!

Narrator: That wasn't even my mother!

Tonya: [about the generic cereal] Is there a prize inside?

Rochelle: The prize is you won't starve to death.

Narrator: I thought "Plate Tectonics" was the original name of the Wu-Tang Clan.

Chris: You know, there's a reason why you didn't have a friend until I came along.

Greg: And there's a reason why you don't have a friend now!

Narrator: It was like Andrew Ridgeley leaving Wham!

Everybody Hates Greg [1.10]

Drew: [repeated line] Wasn't me.

Narrator: My dad liked game shows.

Julius: C'mon, sista. You can do it.

Narrator: And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then he'd root for anybody with a tan.

Bob Barker: What's the next item up for bids, please? A new dishwasher!

Julius: $430.

Bob Barker: I want the first bid from Bennette.

Bennette: $400.

Julius: That's good, that's good. That's right, you're right.

White woman: $625.

Julius: Ooh. You're a fool if you pay that much.

White man: $580.

Julius: What's a man doin' there at 11 o'clock in the mornin'? He ain't got no job?

Narrator: My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessin' how much somethin' cost.

Rochelle: How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.

Julius: That's 'cause it costs $430.

Rochelle: You be like E.T.: you phone home!

Narrator: I thought I'd see George Bush in a do-rag before Tonya got in trouble.

Art: Gregory! You got dents all in my sofa. Can you sit in one spot and can you drink out of one glass?

Narrator: This is like CSI: Brooklyn.

Rochelle: I know you're not out there sellin' drugs. I mean, you could be the kingpin of a Colombian drug cartel for all I know.

Chris: Momma, I'm not out there sellin' drugs.

Rochelle: How do I know that?

Narrator: My mother had one goal in life for her kids: don't sell drugs. As long as they weren't doin' that, almost everything else was gonna be OK.

[Cutaway]

Policeman: Ma'am, your son shot the mayor.

Rochelle: Did he sell drugs?

Policeman: No.

Rochelle: Get in here, boy.

[Another cutaway]

Ploiceman: Ma'am, your son killed the governor, kidnapped his daughter, robbed the President and ran a red light.

Rochelle: He ain't sell no drugs, did he?

Policeman: No, ma'am.

Rochelle: Boy, get in here.

Narrator: Greg looked at me like his dad was Ike Turner.

Rochelle: Who put this pot on the stove?

Drew: Wasn't me.

Narrator: Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.

[Cutaway]

Rochelle: Who tore up my back seat?

Drew: Wasn't me.

[Cutaway]

Julius: Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?

Drew: Wasn't me.

[Cutaway]

Rochelle: Who spilt this oatmeal?

Baby Drew: Wasn't me.

Narrator: Would you believe those were his first words?

Everybody Hates Christmas [1.11]

Rochelle: Oh baby, you'll be able to use up all the hot water you want.

Narrator: So all I'm getting is a clean ass.

Julius: Steaming hot.

Tonya: I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Narrator: When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.

[Rochelle imagines Tonya aggressively confronting her years later as a teenager]

Teenage Tonya: So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!

Everybody Hates a Part-Time Job [1.12]

Narrator: In the game of Dare, there are no rules, there are no regulations, and the game doesn't end 'til somebody's dead.

Narrator: If you watch TV, you'll know that the emergency room is one of the most exciting places you can be. Wrong!

Narrator: We delivered papers in Brooklyn. We delivered papers in Queens, Chinatown, Little Italy, Spanish Harlem, Puerto Rican Harlem, the Bronx, Greenwich Village. We delivered papers to people I didn't even know who could read.

Julius: I'm not givin' you money for walkin' around doin' nothin'. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?

Everybody Hates Picture Day [1.13]

Rochelle: You took your pictures dressed as a lawn jockey?!

Narrator: These women are worse than the pigeons in Central Park.

Mrs. Milone: You better find something to wear, you can't take a picture in your underwear.

Narrator: I don't think anybody ever told Prince that.

Everybody Hates Valentine's Day [1.14]

Rochelle: Boys are becoming fathers even at age 12.

Narrator: And great-grandfathers at 43.

Chris: [reading from a card] Roses are red, violets are blue, please go back to Africa and take your mother with you. Happy Valentine's Day.

Narrator: Another card like this and I might just go to Africa.

Adult Tonya: Daddy, this is Ronald, my fiancé.

Ronald: Nice to meet you, sir. [Julius shoots him]

Adult Tonya: Momma, Daddy shot my fiancé again!

Narrator: Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.

Julius: Rochelle, did you watch the news? Girls are having babies at 10.

Narrator: And grandbabies at 20.

Narrator: Valentine's Day makes most people think of flowers and candy, but it reminded me of the gangland massacre in Chicago.

Caruso: Roses are red, violets are blue, you stink like a monkey and look like one, too.

Narrator: So much for "love is in the air".

Everybody Hates the Lottery [1.15]

Tonya: Momma, can we have our candy back?

Rochelle: No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.

Narrator: But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.

Narrator: In Bed-Stuy, a lot of people have reputations for different things. Deidre Garfield was 23 and had a reputation for being the youngest grandmother in Brooklyn. Mr. Jackson had a reputation for being crazy as hell, but a lot of people say he invented homelessness. I had a reputation, too: not only for being a nerd or getting beat up every day, I was also known for being the best Asteroids player in Bed-Stuy.

Everybody Hates the Gout [1.16]

Rochelle: Don't come home stupid.

Chris, Drew and Tonya: We won't!

Narrator: Next to dealin' drugs, gettin' bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.

[Cutaway]

Rochelle: Tonya, what happened?

Adult Tonya: Momma, I had to smoke that fool.

Rochelle: No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!

Narrator: And worse than this...

[Cutaway]

Rochelle: Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?

Teenage Drew: [dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.

Rochelle: I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!

Julius: My foot's lookin' better, don't you think?

Rochelle: Why are you talking about your foot? Your son has no conscience. In there eatin' pancakes like he actually got an A.

Julius: If you didn't want him to have pancakes, what you give 'em to him for?

Rochelle: For him to feel guilty and confess. But that's OK. Tomorrow I got something for him.

Julius: Baby, let's talk about this. C'mon.

Rochelle: Oh, so now you wanna talk to me? Why don't you just talk to your friends since you talk to them all the time?

Julius: Rochelle, those are your friends! We were just talkin' about the soaps! Are you jealous?

Rochelle: Hell yeah! Damn skippy! How would you feel if you came home and I was sittin' there talkin' to a bunch of your friends about football?

Julius: You like football?

Rochelle: No, I don't like football! Julius, you always wanna talk to me about bills or the kids. I just think it would be nice to talk about something else, for a change.

Julius: You wanna talk about the gout?

Rochelle: NO! I don't wanna talk about the gout!

Greg: You're definitely not in there.

Tonya: Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.

Caruso: Rest in peace, Toby.

Drew: Hey, Chris, can I borrow your comic books?

Julius: That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.

Announcer: [cut to Rochelle] Will Rochelle find out about Chris' actual grade? [cut to Chris] How long will Chris be able to keep up this lie? [cut to Julius] Will Julius ever get rid of the gout? [cut to Tonya] Will Tonya ask Chris more math questions? [cut to Drew] Will Drew get any lines? Find out this and more when "Everybody Hates Chris" returns.

Narrator: I know you're probably wondering: "What is the gout?".

Doctor: Well, gout, or "the gout", as some people like to call it, is a form of arthritis which causes severe swelling, usually in the ankle or the big toe. It's caused by a poor diet, including things like smothered porkchops...

Julius: Needs some salt.

Doctor: Smothered chicken-fried bacon...

Julius: Needs some salt.

Doctor: And smothered chicken-fried bananas.

Julius: [tries a banana] Not bad. Needs salt.

Doctor: Are you out your damn mind?

Everybody Hates Funerals [1.17]

Gene: Knock-knock.

Chris: Who's there?

Gene: Pass me them porkchops.

Drew: Pass me them porkchops who?

Gene: No! Pass me them porkchops right there!

Gene: Knock-knock.

Chris: Who's there?

Gene: [feeling pain] Oh, Lorrrrrdy.

Chris: Oh, Lorrrrrdy who? [everyone laughs]

Gene: I'm dyin'...

Rochelle: I'm dyin' who?

Gene: I'm... havin'... a... heart... [dies]

Tonya: You're havin' a heart who?

Rochelle: Daddy? [silence] Daddy? [suspicious] Daddy?

Narrator: I never did find out who was there.

Maxine: Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?

Chris: Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well then, you drink it! If you're not, don't!

Narrator: I would be joining my grandfather sooner than I expected.

Maxine: Are you gonna sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? [to Chris] Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?

[Chris is sitting on a sofa with a white family]

White mom: Who are you?

Chris: You don't wanna know.

Narrator: My Uncle Michael was almost 40 and never had a job. He put the "um" in "bum".

Narrator: That's my Aunt Charlotte, but we called her Grievey because we only saw her at funerals. No birthdays, no weddings... just funerals.

Gene: And he didn't think I was playin' when I smacked him in the head with a brick. [everyone laughs] And to this day, when I go in there, my foods is free!

Rochelle: Chris! My father died, for goodness' sake, and now you tryin' to kill me too!

Narrator: I hadn't seen my mom so happy since Lionel Richie went solo.

Everybody Hates Corleone [1.18]

Science teacher: Another 30 seconds in there and we would've been blacker than you!

Rochelle: Oh, my God! Julius, what are you... sellin' a fish or sleepin' with a mermaid?

Rochelle: You smell like curried tube socks!

Julius: What if Jackie Robinson quit? What if George Washington Carver quit? What if Martin Luther King, Jr. quit?

Narrator: When my father had a point to make, he always started off strong, but he never ended that way.

Julius: What if Colonel Sanders quit? What if Apollo Creed quit? What if Katherine Jackson quit makin' kids?

Narrator: Ain't she a woman?

Julius: They might be The Jackson Three! What if Kool from Kool and the Gang quit? You think they would've gotten a record contract if they were just called "The Gang"?

Narrator: To this day, I can't tell you what my father said, but that smell stayed with me forever.

Julius: Let me in.

Rochelle: No. You smell.

Julius: That is the smell of a working man.

Rochelle: No, that is the smell of Aquaman.

Julius: Rochelle, open the door.

Rochelle: Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!

Narrator: [in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!

Julius: What you want me to do?

Rochelle: Quit!

Julius: I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?

Rochelle: I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!

Julius: What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?

Drew: We don't wanna go nowhere with you.

Tonya: Yeah, Daddy! You stink!

[Rochelle hands Julius a bag of clean clothes]

Julius: What's this?

Rochelle: Clean clothes.

Julius: Where am I supposed to change?

Rochelle: I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?

[Julius looks down, where a lot of cats are licking his feet]

Caruso: Silly Negro.

Narrator: You know what? I think it's time for this silly Negro to get out of this school.

Narrator: That day I realized that no matter what school I went to, things were gonna be rough. But, as long as I had Greg, things were gonna be all right.

Narrator: It's been a year since my mom sent me to Corleone Junior High for a better education.

White kid: Jerk!

Narrator: Oh, I was gettin' a better education, all right: an education in misery! I was tired of my classes.

[Cutaway]

Ms. Morello: Inga-binga-binga-bunga. Chris, what tribe are you from?

Chris: I don't know.

Narrator: I still struggled to get sleep.

[Cutaway]

Chris: Goodnight, momma.

Rochelle: Goodnight, baby. [switches the light off and back on again] Chris! Get your butt up! It's time to go to school!

Chris: Rrrghhh!

Narrator: And worst of all, everybody hated me. The kids hated me. The teachers hated me. Even the lunch ladies hated me. [Chris gets chased by white kids, teachers and lunch ladies] But, the only good thing that happened to me at Corleone was meetin' Greg.

Rochelle: You remember that girl who got stabbed last year at Marla Gibbs High School. Chris, Sanford has nothing but juvenile delinquents and future convicts.

Rochelle: [to Julius] We'll look for other schools... and we'll look for other soap. You stink!

Narrator: From there, we tried performin' arts school.

Chris: [singing] Fame, I'm gonna live forever! I'm gonna learn how to fly!

Performing arts teacher: Next!

Narrator: We looked into Hebrew school.

Chris: [singing] Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava...

Jewish teacher: Next!

Narrator: We even tried old school.

Chris: [singing] I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie, to the hip, hip, hop, and you don't stop the rock it to the bang, bang, boogie, say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!

Old school teacher: Next!

Narrator: Back at Corleone, like Kunta Kinte, I was waiting for my freedom papers.

Everybody Hates Drew [1.19]

Narrator: "Mmm" meant she was gonna blame me for the rest of her life.

[Cutaway]

Old Rochelle: Asleep again, huh? That's how Chris broke Drew's hand.

Old Julius: Rochelle, that was 45 years ago.

Old Rochelle: Mm-hmm.

Narrator: For free my father would let me learn almost anything.

Julius: What are you doing?

Chris: Taking "How to Knock Off a Liquor Store" lessons.

Julius: How much does it cost?

Chris: It's free.

Julius: Go ahead.

Chris: So... are we going to be learning how to break boards?

Mr. Jackson: You got somethin' against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Has it lied for your phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand and watch her get into the board's car and drive home?

Chris: Uh, no.

Mr. Jackson: That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards.

Everybody Hates Playboy [1.20]

Narrator: My father knew that if my mother ever found that Playboy, he'd probably never see a naked woman again.

Narrator: I wanted to lie, but my mother always told me if I did, she'd slap me into another nationality!

Narrator: When I was a teenager, I discovered a lot of new things. I discovered sour milk doesn't always become yogurt.

[Chris pours some milk into his cereal, which comes out looking like yogurt; he tastes it, then spits it out]

Narrator: I discovered the barber who's always available isn't always the best.

[a guy sees blood on his hand and runs out of the barbershop screaming]

Barber: Next!

Narrator: I also discovered that if you hit people with a truck, they'll do anything you want.

[a clip from "The A-Team" is shown on TV]

Narrator: My father could asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.

[Cutaway]

Tonya: Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?

Rochelle: What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?

[Cutaway]

Drew: Hey Mom, what time is it?

Rochelle: What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.

[Cutaway]

Chris: Ma, can I have some more potatoes?

Rochelle: What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.

Narrator: My last option was to go to Risky. Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop. He'd get you liquor.

Boy: It's for my uncle.

Risky: Here. Don't drink it all at once.

Narrator: He'd get you cigarettes.

Girl: It's for my mother.

Risky: Here. Don't smoke 'em all at once.

Narrator: He could even get you plutonium.

Man: It's for my daughter.

Risky: Do not use this all at once.

Narrator: Who knew you could make money off of naked women?

[Chris tries to buy Playboy and gum]

Narrator: The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money, so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.

Store clerk: $3.50.

[Chris pays, and the store clerk takes away the Playboy]

Store clerk: Now get out of here before I call a cop.

Chris: For what?! You just robbed me, this one cost me 50 cents.

Store clerk: Really? Then why don't we call your mom and tell her how you're trying to buy a Playboy?

Narrator: Hey, this [Miss] June was fine, but she wasn't worth goin' to jail.

Everybody Hates Jail [1.21]

Narrator: My father has gotten tickets from Risky before: for the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.

Rochelle: Oh!

Julius: What happened? Who's down? What happened?

Rochelle: Man!

Narrator: He got 'em tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.

Julius: What's she wearin'? Has she thrown her shoe yet?

Rochelle: I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Smell it! Yeah Patti, I love you girl! Whoo!

Greg: Never heard of Thomas "Tip" O'Neill?

Narrator: Not unless he's related to Shaquille!

White Cop: You the kid sellin' the cookies?

Chris: Right off the truck. How many do you want?

White Cop: None. You're under arrest.

Narrator: I know I look cool on the outside, but on the inside I was doing this.

Chris: (crying) I WON'T DO IT ANYMORE, I PROMISE! I'M NOT A THIEF!! I WANT MY MOMMA!!

Narrator: It wasn't the first time our parents couldn't go somewhere because one of us got sick.

Julius: I got a coupon for a free dinner!

Rochelle: Oh, I'll go get dressed.

Tonya: Momma, I have rabies!

Rochelle: DAMN!

Julius: I got Michael Jackson tickets!

Rochelle: Oh, I'll call the sitter.

Drew: Momma, my eye fell out!

Rochelle: DAMN!

Julius: We just won a trip to Miami!

Rochelle: Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!

Chris: Ma, I think I broke my neck.

Rochelle: Damn.

Chris: Would you like to buy some cookies?

Diabetic Black Husband: I'll take four.

Black Wife: What are you doin'? He has diabetes. You tryin' to kill him?!

Ms. Morello: Chris, if your people can't afford to pay cash, I'll see if we'll accept food stamps.

Narrator: She acts like it's caviar? It's just cookies! Damn!

Narrator: Growing up in Brooklyn, I always thought that travelling to faraway places was something that only rich people did. At 13, I'd never been out of New York, but all that was about to change.

Caruso: Prepare to sit in the back, Birmingham.

Narrator: I'd like to sit you under a bus.

Everybody Hates Father's Day [1.22]

Narrator: When it comes to Father's Day, nobody gave a damn.

Restaurant Manager: It's Father's Day, people! Come on down to Pastures and Shores! The food is half-price! [a family approaches] ¡Buenas noches! ¿Cómo se dice half-off?

Narrator: The movies are terrible..

Black Man: [as everyone is running out of the theater] Aaah! Turn it off! Turn it off!

Narrator: The gifts suck...

White Wife: Ta-daa!

White Husband: What the hell is this?

White Wife: It's a parking space, honey. We got you a parking space!

Narrator: Better park and be happy. And the only song for fathers was this.

[The Temptations sing Papa Was a Rollin' Stone]

Narrator: [about Julius] I hope he doesn't leave us for a white girl.

Narrator: I tried to imagine doin' the things that Greg talked about with my father, like bringin' him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.

Julius: Are you crazy? Well you better get me some bacon!

Narrator: I thought about takin' my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.

Julius: We're payin' $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?

Narrator: (About Rochelle's expression) That look means "that's what I tried to tell yo' stupid ass!"

Everybody Hates Rejection [2.1]

Louise: Stay away from my granddaughter, you cockeyed hooligan!

Narrator: Turns out older women didn't like me, either.

Drew: So, do you miss Keisha?

Narrator: You mean, do I miss being rejected, ignored and humiliated?

Chris: Yeah, sort of.

Narrator: After getting put down by Keisha and stood up by Yvette, I was through having crushes on girls in the neighborhood, and I meant it.

Everybody Hates the Class President [2.2]

Narrator: My father hated seeming weak. He wouldn't admit to have a headache if he had a hatchet in his head.

Rochelle: Julius, you are not fine, OK? You're sick.

Julius: I'm fine.

Rochelle: No you're not. You're sick.

Julius: I'm good.

Rochelle: No you're not.

Julius: I'm OK.

Rochelle: No, you're trying to die.

Julius: I'm good, OK? Everything, good.

Rochelle: OK, Mr. "I'm Good."

Everybody Hates Elections [2.3]

Julius: [to Rochelle] You lost $10? That's $10 worth of dollars!

Narrator: Didn't Ghostbusters already catch the Holy Ghost?

Caruso: Upside the head! [smacks Chris in the head]

Narrator: The next politician to use that phrase was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Everybody Hates a Liar [2.4]

Louise: You keep your nasty little nappy-headed son away from my granddaughter. That's how I'm doing.

Narrator: That look means all seven of the words you can't say on television.

Narrator: [about Tasha] She was screaming like the mouse had a gun.

Narrator: Tasha Clarkson was the new girl next door. Unlike just about every other girl in the neighborhood, she didn't hate me.

Everybody Hates Malvo [2.5]

Narrator: Malvo was the neighborhood's repeat offender. He always committed crimes. He always got caught. And he always got out. When "Shawshank Redemption" came out, Malvo thought it was a comedy.

Narrator: The only time my dad ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.

Rochelle: I asked for a sewing machine. What the hell is this?

Julius: A loom.

Rochelle: What is that?

Julius: A stove.

Rochelle: If that's the stove, where's the witch? I asked for a car. What the hell is this?

Julius: A rickshaw. That's Rick.

Malvo: Chris, when I get out, I'm comin' after you. Y-O-O.

Doc: They... they let you out?

Malvo: Yeah. I got time off for good behavior.

Narrator: That's like letting the Devil outta hell.

Caruso: Hey Bosco, I heard you got a Betamax.

Chris: Yeah? So?

Caruso: I got a movie for you: a comedy. [shows Chris a video tape with the Ku Klux Klan on the cover]

Everybody Hates the Buddy System [2.6]

Principal Edwards: Now remember, the only way you're going to get along with Caruso is to understand why he hates you. He needs your help.

Chris: But if I'm helping him, who's gonna help me?

Principal Edwards: You're helping yourself.

Narrator: Spoken like a true white man.

Principal Edwards: You were fighting. Why?

Chris: 'Cause he hates black people, and I'm a black person!

Caruso: That's a lie! I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.

Principal Edwards: "Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.

Caruso: See?

Chris: Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius!

Narrator: The next year Drew got a Yankees jersey that said "Mezzie Mackson."

Narrator: My father could've spanked Tonya or grounded her until she was grown, but he said something that made her feel worse than all of that.

Julius: I'm really disappointed in you.

[Tonya is dressed as a geisha]

Tonya: Father, I have brought disgrace to myself and to our family. [gets out a belt]

Julius: Tonya, no!

Tonya: Leave me now, Father. I must whup myself until you can find it in your heart to forgive me. [whips herself repeatedly]

Narrator: As class president, I thought things would change for me, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

Rochelle: Here's how this works, Tonya. You could keep lyin' or you could tell me you took my earrings. You decide.

Tonya: You promise you won't yell?

Rochelle: I won't yell.

Tonya: I took your earrings, and I lost one.

Rochelle: DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY EARRINGS?!

Tonya: You promised you wouldn't yell!

Narrator: I've been fallin' for that one for years.

Rochelle: Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya? Huh?

Julius: You're supposed to get a hundred. You don't get a prize for doing well.

Narrator: My father never rewarded good behavior.

Chris: Dad, I cleaned the tub.

Julius: You're supposed to clean the tub. It's your dirt ring.

Tonya: Hey Dad, I fixed the heater.

Julius: You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.

Drew: Hey Dad, I slaughtered a pig.

Julius: You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one who likes bacon.

Narrator: To get back to Brooklyn, it felt like we went around the entire city. We went through Chinatown, the meatpacking district... we even went through theatre district. The only place we didn't go through was our school district.

Narrator: Listening to Patti LaBelle could make my mother feel good, no matter what.

[Rochelle is in Mexico being blindfolded]

Rochelle: Come on, Pepito! I told you, man, I didn't do it!

Mexican Man: ¿Cuál es tu última voluntad?

Rochelle: Can you play "New Attitude?"

Everybody Hates Promises [2.7]

Narrator: My father and Michael didn't get along because whatever my father said, my uncle said the opposite.

[Julius and Michael are at a car shop]

Julius: I like the Ford.

Michael: I like the Chevy.

[Julius and Michael are at an art museum]

Julius: I wanna look at Picasso.

Michael: I wanna look at Matisse.

[Julius and Michael are having beer]

Julius: Hmm, tastes great!

Michael: Less filling.

Narrator: After talking to Greg, I imagined what my father would say to me.

Julius: So you just gonna quit, huh? All these people who made it possible for you to become the first black class president, and now you just gonna quit?

Tuskegee Airman: Yeah. And what if we quit? Black people would never have become pilots.

Aunt Jemima: If I had quit, pancakes would taste like crap.

Cream of Wheat Man: If I had quit, Cream of Wheat would've been called "Cream of White!"

Uncle Ben: If I had quit, it would take hours to cook rice.

Narrator: Back at school, it was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Truth.

Narrator: Back at school, I stopped making promises and started making demands.

Chris: I'd like all book reports to be on books that were made into movies.

Ms. Morello: Are you high? I'm asking, not judging.

Chris: No, I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises.

Mrs. Milone: Just for curiosity's sake, what else did you promise?

Chris: A TV in the library, more field trips, instituting recess, and no more detention.

Ms. Morello: Chris, how are you going to know how to act when you get stopped by the police if we don't give you detention?

Narrator: To win my office, I told them everything they wanted to hear. There was only one problem: they listened.

Boy #1: You promised to take us to a Knicks game!

Boy #2: You promised I'd get a new locker!

Janitor: You promised I'd get a raise!

Lunch Lady with Mustache: You promise I get a shave!

Boy #3: You promised we'd get some real meat!

Chris: Can I at least get French fries at lunch?

Ms. Morello: I always thought you'd be more the sweet potato type.

Everybody Hates Thanksgiving [2.8]

Julius: Did Martin Luther King, Jr. take a break? Did Moses take a break? Did Gandhi take a break?

Narrator: He took a break from eatin'!

Narrator: My mac 'n cheese looked so good, Gandhi would've snuck himself a plate.

Chris: [speaking in front of the class] To me, Thanksgiving means family and togetherness. Thanksgiving came about when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock. The Indians greeted them, provided them shelter, taught them how to grow corn and how to prepare for the winter, and went on to cook one of the greatest meals the pilgrims ever ate. And in their appreciation for showing them how to prosper and survive in this brave new world, the pilgrims killed the Indians and created a holiday in their honor. So, on this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my family, my friends, but most importantly, I'm thankful that I'm not a Native American.

Kill Moves: Is that burnt mac 'n cheese?

Julius: Yeah. Why?

Kill Moves: It's just the way I like it!

Narrator: He wants that blackaroni, 'cause he's on that crackaroni.

Everybody Hates Superstition [2.9]

Narrator: Even before video, Drew learned the secret to being a good singer was to not sing at all.

Narrator: Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.

Old Woman: Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Drew: If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.

Chris: [speaking in front of the class] Was it lucky when King Kong defeated those planes? No, 'cause he didn't defeat the planes. They shot his behind clear off the Empire State Building. Now, if King Kong had spent some time learning how to fight some planes instead of chasing that little white girl around, he would still be alive to this very day.

Everybody Hates Kris [2.10]

[Julius is working as a mall Santa]

Julius: So, what can Santa give you for Christmas?

Little Girl: A Malibu Barbie with the pink remote-controlled Corvette, the Barbie townhouse and the Barbie swimming pool.

Julius: Ooh. Do you know how much all that stuff costs?

Little Girl: No.

Julius: Well, Santa's gonna tell you. It costs $137.16. Do you have that kind of money?

Little Girl: No.

Julius: Well, neither does Santa.

[the little girl starts crying]

Narrator: Welcome to my world, kid.

[Mr. Omar is consoling a grieving widow]

Mr. Omar: I know you lost your man, Mrs. Roberts, but with a body like that, I know Santa's gonna bring you another.

Julius: You're firing me at Christmastime?

Narrator: That's the only time you can fire Santa.

Narrator: Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Narrator: Doc took the expression, "a token of my appreciation," literally.

Narrator: I don't know if he's more concerned because I lost consciousness, or because I lost a half-day's pay.

Tonya: Chris gets sick and now we can't get anything for Christmas.

Drew: Man, we were good for nothin'.

Rochelle: No, you were good because you were supposed to be good. I mean, what if there were no Christmas? Would you be runnin' around here startin' forest fires?

Julius' Boss: Julius, we've got a problem.

Narrator: You mean besides the fact that you've got a black Santa workin' at a white department store called Goldstein's?

Julius: What's wrong?

Julius' Boss: You're not presenting the image of Christmas that we want to promote, here at Goldstein's.

Julius: Image? What kinda image?

Julius' Boss: You're Santa Claus. You're not supposed to make the children cry.

Julius: But they need to learn the truth about life!

Julius: [to an Asian girl who wants an Easy-Bake Oven] Does that come with an easy-to-pay gas bill?

Everybody Hates Eggs [2.11]

Greg: Am I going to have to call Child Protective Services on you?

Narrator: At least I didn't dangle my egg over a balcony like Michael Jackson!

Narrator: Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.

Rochelle: Boy, is that a baby?

Drew: No, that's a football.

Rochelle: Is that a baby?

Tonya: No, it's a shoebox.

Rochelle: Is that a baby?

Chris: No, it's baby carrots!

Narrator: I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.

Jennifer: You're overbearing and clingy, and if you keep it up, you're gonna be a single father, too!

Narrator: 20 years later, that's what Greg's mail-order bride said.

Narrator: It seemed like everyone had advice for raising a baby.

Kill Moves: You need to teach this boy how to protect himself. Now, I suggest the Brazilian two-finger neck snap! Want me to show you how it works?

Mr. Omar: Teach the baby to honor the mother and the father, and if the father should meet a tragic death, the baby shouldn't be upset if the mother makes friends with a nice man.

Woman: [off-screen] Omar, I need more bubbles!

Mr. Omar: Gotta go.

Risky: Teach this baby the difference between the knock-offs and the real thing. For instance, "Gucci" does not have an "H" in it.

Drew: I was watching that!

Julius: I've seen it. Rosebud's his sled.

Jerome: [about Chris' egg] I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.

Narrator: That year he won the Oscar for Best Non-Supporting Father.

[Ms. Morello gives Chris a brown egg to care for]

Ms. Morello: They're all the same on the inside.

Narrator: Except my egg's gonna get pulled over by the police more.

Everybody Hates Hall Monitors [2.12]

Narrator: My father was evacuating to avoid Hurricane Rochelle.

Narrator: The only thing I could do: Join the few, the proud, the hall monitors.

Narrator: Later, I was thinking about Greg, and I wondered how my heroes would handle bein' a hall monitor. I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.

Chris: [as Mr. T] I pity the fool who ain't got no hall pass.

Narrator: I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.

Chris: [as Dirty Harry] Well, I know what you're thinking. Was that the first bell or the second bell? Well, you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?

Narrator: I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.

Chris: [as the Terminator] No citation? I'll be black.

Ms. Morello: To the rest of the students, well, they hate you.

Chris: They've always hated me.

Ms. Morello: True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.

Narrator: And because I'm black.

Narrator: When my mom worked, she had two jobs: her job and complaining about her job.

Narrator: Every time my mother got a new job, there was always someone she hated. At the hospital, it was Tammy.

[Rochelle comes home dressed as a nurse]

Rochelle: So Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. I'm gonna defibrillate her!

Narrator: At the fire station, it was Betty.

[Rochelle comes home dressed as a firefighter]

Rochelle: That damn Betty set the water pressure at a hundred pounds per square inch, when she know I told her to set it at 130 pounds per square inch! I shoulda turned the hose on her!

Narrator: And at NASA, it was Belinda.

[Rochelle comes home dressed as an astronaut]

Rochelle: Can you believe that heifer? I told her to set the aft booster at 25,000 feet per second, and she looked at me like I'm crazy. Now, if we woulda got stuck in the ionosphere, she woulda been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?" [to her family] More Tang?

Narrator: And at the office, it was Charmaine.

Rochelle: And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, "That's not where it goes." I told her I put it there, so that's where it goes.

Narrator: [My dad] didn't hear a word she said.

Everybody Hates Snow Day [2.13]

Narrator: My dad was willing to brave the elements to save his son, but to save money, he'd bought the cheapest tires known to man. He was the only black out in a whiteout.

Chris: Momma, do I have to go to school? I mean, it's snowin' like crazy.

Rochelle: It's snow, Chris, not Armageddon. Now hurry up. You know the buses are gonna be runnin' slow.

Narrator: After spending a whole day with Principal Edwards, I no longer felt like an outsider. I had a new friend.

Principal Edwards: [puts a tardy slip on Chris] You're late.

Chris: What? A tardy slip? But what about yesterday?

Principal Edwards: That was in the past. We're in the now, Chris, and now you're late.

Narrator: I haven't seen a sea of white like this since the Republican National Convention.

Principal Edwards: As long as you're you, there'll always be a Caruso.

Narrator: I thought about living in Japan.

Caruso: Arigato, Slappy.

Narrator: In London...

Caruso: Cheerio, Nipsy.

Narrator: Morocco...

Caruso: Asalamalakem, Flip.

Everybody Hates the Substitute [2.14]

Mr. Newton: It's algebra, the math of the unknown.

Chris: Then I must be doing great, 'cause I don't know it.

Narrator: Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know, and everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me. He taught me language.

Mr. Newton: Veni, vidi, vici. I came, I saw, I conquered.

Chris: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo, catch a tiger by the toe.

Narrator: He taught me history.

Mr. Newton: The Vitruvian Man.

Chris: The Hangman. Pick a letter.

Narrator: He taught me science.

Mr. Newton: Your turn.

Chris: Got anything bigger?

Narrator: Please don't kill me in the name of science, ribbit!

Mr. Newton: Starting tomorrow, we're going to put some brains inside that head of yours.

Narrator: And I'm gonna put a brick upside that head of yours!

Narrator: Back at home, Drew was trying to watch hockey and wishing Tonya would just shut the puck up.

Narrator: With Ms. Morello gone, we had every kind of substitute imaginable. We had out-of-work actors.

Male Substitute Teacher #1: To be or not to be? That is the question.

Narrator: We had out-of-work dancers.

Female Substitute Teacher: Can one of you kids get that bucket of water and throw it on me?

Narrator: And sometimes we had out-of-work teachers.

Male Substitute Teacher #2: Enjoy this while you still can, 'cause believe me, it's all downhill from here.

Narrator: We'd had just about every type of sub we could think of, except one: a black sub.

Greg: [about Ms. Morello] She went on a trip to Africa to help fight off an outbreak of yellow fever.

Narrator: It was more like she went to Harlem to fight off an outbreak of jungle fever.

Chris: Are you serious?

Mr. Newton: As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.

Narrator: Quit showin' off, just say "heart attack!"

Caruso: [to Chris] Hey Ebony. [to Greg] Ivory.

Mr. Newton: Good morning. I'm Mr. Newton.

Caruso: More like Mr. Tibbs.

[Mr. Newton is dressed as a drill sergeant and squirting Chris, who's carrying a book in each hand, with a hose]

Mr. Newton: It's a B minus, all right?

Chris: No, sir!

Mr. Newton: Do you wanna learn?

Chris: Yes, sir!

Mr. Newton: Do you wanna quit?

Chris: No, sir!

Mr. Newton: Do you wanna go to another school?

Chris: No, sir!

Mr. Newton: Why?

Chris: 'Cause I have no other place to go!

Mr. Newton: Then you better answer my question: What's A squared plus B squared?

Chris: C squared!

Mr. Newton: I can't hear you!

Chris: C squared! It's C squared!

Mr. Newton: That's right! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Narrator: That was the worst wet T-shirt contest ever.

Narrator: Nothing made Drew unwind better than watching hockey, and nothing could wind him up faster than Tonya.

Narrator: Tonya got more people in trouble than a white girl at an NBA after-party.

Mr. Newton: [to Caruso] You don't see me making fun of you because you look like a Brooklyn Beach Barney Rubble.

Rochelle: I'm raisin' men in this house, and men do not hit women.

Narrator: That meant you couldn't hit a girl even if you were supposed to hit her.

[Drew is in a boxing match with a female boxer; he tries to punch her]

Rochelle: You better not hit that girl!

[the female boxer punches Drew, knocking him out]

Mr. Newton: This exam is critically important, so I advise all of you to study hard. Especially you, Chris.

Chris: Man, I can't believe this. The guy's gonna kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough comin' to this school from the other side of town, havin' the kids kick the crap outta me, but now the teacher's gonna kick the crap outta me too.

Caruso: Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. I didn't like him at first because of the whole black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it.

Mr. Newton: You! You did this to me!

Chris: I didn't know you were gonna get shot.

Mr. Newton: You sent me to this hellhole! This is your fault! Oh, you just gonna stand there?! I know where you live! I tried to teach you! I tried to help... get your hands off of... I know who your people is! Tried to help you!

Everybody Hates Cutting School [2.15]

Rochelle: You shouldn't be embarrassed that your boy only has a fifth-grade reading level. You should be embarrassed that he's 27! He should be reading "War and Peace," not "Horton Hears a Who!"

Narrator: Only problem with my mother helping at a book fair was she didn't read books and she wasn't fair.

Rochelle: [to a young girl reading "Hollywood Wives" by Jackie Collins] Girl, does your mother know you over here readin' grown-up books? [takes the book from the girl] Gimme that. [picks up a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews] "Flowers in the Attic." Now that sounds nice. [gives the book to the girl] Read that. You done lost your Jackie Collins mind. And don't cut your eyes at me, either.

Rochelle: Who you gonna call?

Narrator: That was a bigger fire hazard than pyrotechnics at a Great White concert.

James: It was the beast of times. It was the roast of times.

Rochelle: I mean, my God, boy, did you eat a bowl of lead paint for breakfast? Go on and sit down and let one of these other illiterates take a crack at it.

Narrator: Because I was planning on cutting school, I was acting guiltier than Michael Richards at an NAACP convention.

Chris: Greg, we're going to the movies, not Gilligan's Island.

Narrator: If we did, Greg would've gotten with Mrs. Howell.

Narrator: My biggest worry at this time was that the cops would think I was chasin' Greg.

Narrator: While we were cutting class, Greg was sweatin' like Lil' Kim in Sunday school.

Ticket Seller: What are you doing here?

Greg: I'm an octoroon.

Narrator: In that case, only one-eighth of him should be off from school.

Rochelle: [to a bunch of girls who are wearing hoop earrings] What are y'all laughin' at with your hoop earrings on? Let's see if your mother's gigglin' when you bringin' home babies. Who's laughin' now, huh? It ain't funny no more, is it?

DMV Clerk: I guess you're just gonna have to wait. And don't bang on this door again.

Narrator: She's lucky he didn't bang on her head!

Julius: A new license costs $17.50, and I'm not givin' them people my money till I have to.

Narrator: My father waited until the last possible moment to pay for everything... and I mean everything.

White Meter Maid: Your meter's only got a minute left.

Julius: When that quarter runs out, I'll put in this one.

Rochelle: Baby, you almost outta gas.

Julius: When that gas runs out, I'll put in some new gas.

[Rochelle is giving birth]

White Doctor: Push! Push!

Rochelle: Julius, would you just pay the man, please?!

White Doctor: Push!

Julius: When the baby's all the way out, I'll give him all the money.

Rochelle: Boy, don't you know you are too big for a coloring book? White kids your age are buildin' sculptures by now and you over there tryin' to stay inside the lines. Come on, Picasso, get to chippin'. Come on, chip on. Chip, chip, chip. Chip, chip, chip.

Everybody Hates Chain Snatching [2.16]

Narrator: In 1985, crime was on the rise everywhere, and when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere.

Rochelle: You been hidin' a credit card, what else are you hidin'? Is Julius really your name? Oh, maybe you're the Green River Killer? Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried? Who shot Kennedy? For all I know, you could be Batman!

Julius: I am not Batman.

[Julius is then seen dressed as Batman]

Julius: I'm Batman.

Narrator: I was so good at sneakin' around, I thought about joinin' the CIA. [Malvo appears] Or maybe the DOA.

Malvo: I got a question for you, boy. What is today?

Chris: Uh, Wednesday?

Malvo: Nah! Today is two days after the day before yesterday.

Narrator: Malvo was an idiot savant—98% idiot, 2% savant.

Narrator: If I could've, I would've taken the underground railroad.

Female Slave: Is you runnin' to the north?

Chris: No, I'm runnin' from Malvo.

Female Slave: Malvo? You'd have been better off a slave! Get on now, and remember, you ain't seen nothin'!

Julius: [about his credit card] Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.

Rochelle: Why not? Do you know how many times we could've used it?

Julius: That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.

Rochelle: Oh. OK, Mr. "Responsibility," Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HIDE THINGS FROM HIS WIFE, answer this for me: Since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?

Narrator: Everybody had a gold chain, and somebody was waiting to snatch it. Nobody was safe: not young people, not old people, not even dead people.

Narrator: For the first time in 15 years, my father got my mother to shut up.

Vanessa: Turns out he had a whole other family.

Narrator: That's all my mother needed to hear.

[Julius is at the dinner table with a Puerto Rican family and everyone is speaking Spanish]

Julius: Hey baby.

Puerto Rican Woman: Hey baby.

Puerto Rican Boy #1: Hello Father.

Puerto Rican Woman: How was work today?

Julius: Good.

Puerto Rican Boy #2: May I be excused?

Julius: No. You'd better eat that. That's 46 cents' worth of beans and rice.

Puerto Rican Woman: Don't worry baby, I'll put it on the credit card.

Julius: Oh. That's good, that's good.

Rochelle: Your credit card. Be a man about it, Julius! It's got your name on it! Oh, and you know what else it says, Julius? It says "card holder since 1970." That means that for 15 years, you've been hidin' this from me!

Malvo: You owe Malvo a gold chain.

Narrator: Good thing I didn't stop him from stealing a gold house.

Narrator: When surreptition didn't work, my mother tried confrontation.

Rochelle: [to Julius] Hello. You must think I'm stupid. Oh yeah, Rochelle... is just... an IDIOT!

Narrator: Black-on-black crime is nothing compared to Italian-on-Italian crime.

Everybody Hates DJs [2.17]

Woman #1: My boy is a football player. He just got a scholarship to Rutgers!

Woman #2: My daughter is a doctor. She just finished her first open-heart surgery.

Rochelle: And my son is a magician, and he just made Bed-Stuy disappear! [outside, a barren desert is shown]

Pam: You better tell him to bring it back, 'cause I'm closin' at 9.

Rochelle: I don't want you foolin' around with no black magic. You hear me? I don't wanna come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that. Only good, clean, white magic. You hear me?

Narrator: Why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic?

[after Greg finds out about Chris' stage name]

Greg: Isn't Chrissy a girl's name?

Chris: It's a black thing.

Narrator: Just as everyone else was scared by "The Exorcist," my father was scared by another movie: Night of the Lepus.

Narrator: [about Jerome] He went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough, but was never allowed to rap.

White Cop: We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed, a.k.a. DJ Hilly Hill.

Narrator: The first rule of breakin' the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.

Everybody Hates Baseball [2.18]

Narrator: When I was 14, I never got a chance to hang out with my dad much because all he did was work and sleep.

Tonya: [after Rochelle gives her the wrong picture] Momma, this is not Billy Ocean. This is Billy Dee Williams.

Rochelle: What? Let's see that. [takes the picture and looks at it] Dammit, Risky!

Monk: Ask anybody. They'll tell you. You can always hang out with your daddy. Go to the movie.

Jerome: Go to the game, man. You know if my father wasn't in jail, that's what I'd do.

Mr. Omar: Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the medulla oblongata. Tragic!

Risky: Go to the game. My father never took me 'cause I was a test tube baby. Want some peanuts?

Kill Moves: Why don't you and the girl go see a movie about the game that your father's goin' to?

Narrator: My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.

Rochelle: There's my lipstick.

Narrator: She lost big things.

Rochelle: There's that skillet.

Narrator: She lost great big things.

Rochelle: There's that gallon of milk.

Narrator: And things she didn't know how she lost.

Rochelle: There's my purse.

Narrator: They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.

Monk: I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.

Chris: Why not?

Monk: Because they didn't have baseball games in the Quang Ngai Province.

Chris: Was your dad in Vietnam?

Narrator: Nope, Queens.

Monk: I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.

Narrator: 20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.

Narrator: Tonya loved Billy Ocean, so naturally, she joined the Billy Ocean fan club and sent off for an autographed picture. But it wasn't the first fan club she joined. There was the DeBarge fan club, the Shalamar fan club, even the Terence Trent D'Arby fan club. Too bad they were bought out by the Al B. Sure fan club.

Narrator: If Tasha were here to do her voice-over, she would admit that she's heartbroken.

Adult Tasha: [narrating] No, I wouldn't. I wasn't heartbroken, I don't even remember this happening.

Tasha: So I'll see you later?

Chris: Um, yeah. OK.

Narrator: While Tasha silently suffered in Brooklyn...

Adult Tasha: [narrating] I wasn't suffering then and I'm not suffering now— I don't care.

Vanessa: [about Michael] He wants to take me to dinner and everything.

Narrator: Everything means nothing but dinner.

Narrator: I thought about one girl so much when I was 16, I forgot I was 30.

Michael: Rochelle, what are you doin' out here, sneakin' up on people? You coulda caused me to have a heart attack!

Narrator: Michael shoulda died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.

Everybody Hates Gambling [2.19]

Narrator: Win or lose, I bet I'm in trouble!

Vanessa: Did you hear about Doc?

Rochelle: No. What happened?

Vanessa: He won $300 on the basketball game last night.

Rochelle: Gambling? I hate gambling.

Narrator: My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything: fights...

[Gene is watching two kids playing Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots]

Gene: C'mon, Blue! Let's go! C'mon, Blue!

[the kid controlling the red robot wins]

Gene: Doggone it!

Narrator: He'd gamble on races.

[Gene is watching two kids race on tricycles; one of them wins]

Gene: Doggone it!

Narrator: He'd even bet on the weather.

Gene: I got $10 on sunny and 79!

[it is raining outside]

Gene: Doggone it!

Rochelle: You know what? I'm gonna change your name from Chrissy the Black to Chrissy the Black and Blue.

Narrator: Even people who told other people not to gamble, gambled.

Priest: Let me tell you this: Gambling is a sin! With a capital S!

Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes [2.20]

Narrator: I found out one thing in life: If you want people to laugh, tell 'em a joke. Now, if you really want 'em to laugh, tell 'em a dirty joke.

Narrator: While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...

Chris: So the doctor said, "Make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake, and suck out the poison." So the guy gets back to his friend, and the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."

Narrator: I told one about the two guys on the bridge...

Chris: And so then the white guy said, "Man, this water's cold." And the black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep too."

Narrator: And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.

Chris: So he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

Jerome: Little dude from across the street! Does your momma know you out here tellin' jokes like that?

Chris: No.

Narrator: Because if she did, she'd smack the smut outta me!

Maxine: I'm too old for a blind date!

Narrator: She wouldn't say that if it was Stevie Wonder.

Rochelle: Are you done?

Julius: Yeah. Why?

Rochelle: 'Cause as far as I'm concerned, this time is next time.

Narrator: Number 3!!!

Julius: [about the dinner Maxine served him] I can't eat this. My gout'll flare up.

Maxine: Oh, don't worry, that's oven-fried chicken.

Rochelle: You can't understand comedy like this.

Chris: I understood it.

Rochelle: You understood which one?

Chris: All of 'em.

Rochelle: The one about the lady with the funny lips?

Chris: Yeah.

Julius: The one about makin' sandwiches?

Chris: Yeah.

Rochelle: The one about the black sheep?

Chris: Yeah.

Julius: The one about the Fukawi Indian?

Chris: Yeah.

Julius: What are you doing up?

Rochelle: I can't sleep.

Narrator: Translation: He can't sleep.

Rochelle: A date? My mother is almost 60. How would she look out there tryin' to get a date?

Narrator: Like Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls.

Narrator: Ever since I was a kid, I always loved comedy. I loved cartoons, sitcoms and, most of all, stand-up comedians.

Doc: Some of this material is a little blue.

Chris: Blue?

Doc: Yeah, filthy, so if you hear something you ain't supposed to hear, turn it off.

Narrator: Don't be so strict, old man!

Narrator: Dirty jokes were one thing. Dirty words where a whole new ballgame.

George Carlin: [on record player] Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are seven of them you can't say on television. They must really be bad...

Chris: "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television?"

George Carlin: [on record player] You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?

Narrator: Seven? I could only think of three. [two beeps] What? Whoo! [two beeps] Ouch! Uh-huh! [two beeps] Whoa! Hey, now! [beep] Ho, ho, ho, ho! My vocabulary just grew by four.

Greg: I hate cursing. My father used to call my mother number 4 all the time, then she'd call him number 5 and they'd go back and forth like that. 5, 4, 2, 1, 7, then they'd end up on number 3.

Narrator: Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."

Mrs. Milone: Young man, I want a word with you. In fact, I want seven words with you.

Narrator: Number 1 had hit the fan.

Chantal: How come you don't like me?

Drew: I don't know. I just don't.

Chantal: It's got to be something. Do you think I'm ugly?

Drew: No.

Chantal: Do you think I'm dumb?

Drew: No.

Chantal: Then what is it? Just tell me the truth.

Drew: You're too tall.

Narrator: Never stopped Danny DeVito.

Narrator: What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians too.

Redd Foxx: [on record player] You knew it in your heart you haven't washed your hair. So one night, the time was right. He asked her. He said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "Wooden eye?"

Narrator: I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.

Redd Foxx: [on record player] "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"

Narrator: And it wasn't the last.

Redd Foxx: [on record player] She said, "Christmas..."

Narrator: A lot of kids would get in trouble sneakin' outta bed tryin' to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up gettin' a career.

Everybody Hates Math [2.21]

Maxine: Looks like somebody's gonna get some pizza.

Narrator: If all studying was rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would have won a Nobel Prize.

Rochelle: If you could add and subtract, you could do this!

Narrator: My mom applied that kind of logic to a lot of situations.

[Chris and his family are in a bank vault dressed as bank robbers]

Rochelle: If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!

[Rochelle and Drew are in a hospital dressed as surgeons]

Rochelle: Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest! [to another surgeon] Suture.

[Rochelle and Tonya are on a plane dressed as skydivers]

Rochelle: If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!

[Tonya jumps off the plane without her parachute]

Rochelle: Baby, you forgot your parachute!

Chris: What difference does it make?

Rochelle: What difference does it make?

Narrator: Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"

Narrator: Going behind my mother's back to get help from my grandmother made me feel guiltier than Janet Jackson at a half-time show.

Maxine: Teaching is a skill, no different than flying a plane.

Narrator: Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.

Narrator: When I was in school, students usually got recognition for one of two things: being really good...

Mrs. Milone: This year's valedictorian is Stephanie Borelli.

Narrator: And being really bad.

Mrs. Milone: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your son is an idiot.

Rochelle: Chris, what kinda answer is that?

Narrator: The kind you'd come up with was a crazy woman screamin' at you.

Ms. Morello: All I'm trying to say is, if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.

Narrator: And I'm gonna get sliced.

Narrator: When the going gets tough, the tough get going, so to Grandma's house I went.

Rochelle: Are you crazy? X does not equal Y! You carry the 2 over the N! I mean, how hard can it be?!

Caruso: Hey Major Harris, if you mess up our pizza day, I'm gonna smack the crust outta you.

Everybody Hates the Last Day [2.22]

Monk: Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Narrator: I thought that was meatloaf.

Narrator: Someday Al Gore is gonna trace global warming back to that sink.

Greg: It's like that movie, "The Birds!"

Narrator: Except with cats.

Mr. Omar: Drainada?

Julius: That's right. The Spanish Drano.

Narrator: Doesn't Drano already sound Spanish?

Narrator: In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.

Jerome: If I was you, I'd move on to his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Lemme hold a dollar.

Vanessa: You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.

Kill Moves: Revenge? Success, the best revenge.

Julius: [about Mr. Omar's drain] How long's it been like that?

Narrator: Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.

Julius: You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?

Mr. Omar: No.

Julius: OK.

Narrator: It's just hittin' Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.

Narrator: My father thought he could fix anything with Krazy Glue or duct tape.

Rochelle: What you doin'?

Julius: Fixin' the table. All done.

Rochelle: Julius! Did you fix that flat tire?

Julius: Good as new.

Rochelle: Did you fix that noise yet?

Julius: Quiet as a mouse.

[Chris, Drew and Tonya are seen with duct tape over their mouths]

Chris: How are you gonna follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?

Greg: Works for Magnum P.I.

Chris: Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.

Greg: Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...

Chris: [Caruso]'s a cat-lover?

Narrator: It was like finding out that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.

Mr. Omar: I don't think duct tape is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius. Why don't you just call a plumber?

Julius: For $25 an hour? I don't think so.

Everybody Hates the Guidance Counselor [3.1]

Mr. Abbott: [to Chris] According to your test results, you put the "upid" in "stupid."

Mr. Abbott: Do you know how many broke people went to college?

Chris: Not really.

Narrator: Even while wearing a diaper, Greg could still run like the wind. The smelly wind.

Rochelle: I had a dream. Every time I see Shirley Chisholm, I think, "Wow, hey, that could've been me." Yeah, I could've done a lot of things. I could've won a Pulitzer Prize.

Narrator: If she only learned to Pulitzer.

Rochelle: I could've been a Poet Laureate.

Narrator: That don't rhyme!

Rochelle: You know what? I even could've won a Cy Young Award.

Narrator: If she could only throw a knuckleball.

Rochelle: But instead I decided to raise your family.

Rochelle: Look, Chris, I don't know what you're gonna do with your life. You may go to college, you may not. But know whatever you do, you're gonna be good at it. 'Cause I'll have no grown man sleepin' at my house.

Greg: I settled on being an astronaut. I'm... I'm wearing a diaper.

Mr. Abbott: A diaper? You mean, you wanna fly a rocket, but you're still gonna pee in your pants?

Greg: Well, they don't make you do it, but I wanted to see if I could take it.

Mr. Abbott: Nobody could take it, Greg. Now, get the funk outta my office.

Narrator: My father loved thrift stores because you could trade in your old clothes for some new old clothes.

Julius: Look, I can't afford to buy all-new school clothes.

Rochelle: I guess that's one more thing you can't stand about your miserable life. My kids are not wearin' these, so you either get new clothes or new kids.

Narrator: He's tryin' to figure out which one is cheaper.

Mr. Abbott: [as Greg is about to go into his office wearing a dirty diaper] Nope, nope, nope. Get outta here, Funky Brewster.

Chris: Can you help me?

Mr. Abbott: Well, unless they hire Big Bird, I'm gonna have to.

Mr. Abbott: You can learn anywhere, Chris. You can learn by reading a fortune cookie. If you get hit by a truck, you learn not to walk out into traffic. If you smack Mike Tyson, you learn that you are gonna get your ass whupped.

Everybody Hates Caruso [3.2]

Narrator: [as Yao fights Caruso] As far as I was concerned, this was better than Enter the Dragon.

Narrator: Caruso looked about as happy as Bobby Brown at a health food store.

Narrator: Clark Kent's got nothing on [my dad].

Chris: Call me Stymie, Rochester, Tootsie Roll, Inkwell. Come on, man!

Caruso: What are you doing?

Narrator: Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.

Yao: I'm failing math. I've got work to do. I don't have time for this.

Chris: Wait, you're not good at math?

Yao: What? Just because I'm Asian, I have to be good at math? You're black, can you moonwalk?

Chris: I didn't mean it like that. And no, I can't moonwalk.

Yao: So, I can't use chopsticks.

Chris: I don't like watermelon.

Yao: I can't make a swan out of paper.

Chris: I don't have sickle cell anemia.

Yao: I don't run a dry cleaners.

Narrator: I bet you like rice!

Yao: Either I pass my math class or it's your ass.

Narrator: I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight. I felt just like Don King.

Caruso: Hey, Fried Rice. What took you so long?

Yao: Why don't you ask your mother?

Narrator: Back on my dad's secret job, he didn't know it, but the shipment was about to hit the fan.

Narrator: Caruso had made my life a livin' hell. He had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away. Not a 104-degree fever... [Caruso punches Chris in the face and sneezes] ...and not even a national holiday.

[Caruso arrives at Chris' door dressed as Uncle Sam]

Caruso: Happy 4th of July, Sammy. [punches Chris]

Rochelle: You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.

Narrator: My mom was makin' a lotta sense. Unfortunately, all my dad heard was...

Rochelle: You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heatin', coolin', washin', dryin'.

Narrator: My mom thought it was work that gave my dad stress, but she was wrong. It was debt.

Chris: Every superhero needs a villain. I mean, where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor? He'd be at the Hall of Justice watchin' super TV. And the Fantastic Four, where would they be if it wasn't for Dr. Doom? At the circus.

Everybody Hates Driving [3.3]

Narrator: My mom had her own style of driving: The Fast and the Furious: Bed-Stuy Drift.

Narrator: While my mother was out challenging the law, I was breaking it.

Narrator: I was supposed to park across the street, but now I'm on the highway to hell.

Greg: What are you doing?

Chris: Moving [my dad's car] to the other side of the street.

Narrator: Or to the other side of the borough.

White Girl: Hey Chris. Can I sit in your car?

Chris: Sure, why not?

Narrator: Because they're underage.

Greg: What's wrong?

Chris: Everything.

Narrator: I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.

Narrator: If Greg was here, he'd say I was in there.

Narrator: When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.

Chris: Hey Dad, can I drive?

Narrator: And he always said the same thing.

Julius: Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.

Narrator: He coulda just said no.

Julius: Don't go burnin' up gas.

Chris: I'm just moving the car across the street.

Julius: That's three cents' worth of gas.

Narrator: After all that had happened, I kept thinking about how my dad had trusted me. Even though I had managed to get the car back home without him knowing, it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth.

Chris: Dad?

Julius: Yeah, son?

Chris: I have a confession to make. I drove your car to school today.

Julius: You what?

Chris: I'm sorry. I really am.

Julius: Son, I'm very disappointed in you, but as long as you're safe, that's all that really matters.

Chris: Thanks, Dad.

Julius: But one more thing...

Chris: Yes, Dad?

[Julius throws Chris out the window]

Narrator: Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt, I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself and never do anything like that again.

Everybody Hates Blackie [3.4]

Narrator: To my parents and the police, the house had been robbed, but to Tonya and Drew, the TV had been kidnapped.

Chris: I think we should get a dog.

Narrator: I'd always wanted a dog, but my parents always said no. But maybe the robbery would make them change their mind.

Rochelle: For the umpteenth time, Chris, we are not getting a dog.

Narrator: Wishful thinking.

Narrator: I tried monkey see, monkey do, which was quite useless with a dog.

Tonya: Captain Kangaroo is so funny.

Old Woman: Get outta here, you Peepin' Toms. I'm callin' the cops.

Narrator: Tonya and Drew couldn't watch TV, but that didn't stop them from readin' it.

Drew: Check this out. Matlock at 4:00. When Nashville star Dolly Parton gets arrested for murder, she turns to Ben Matlock.

Tonya: Look at this: Moses Gunn is gonna be on The Jeffersons.

Drew: Did you know that Little House on the Prairie was closed-captioned for the hearing impaired?

Tonya: Stephanie Mills is gonna be on Captain Kangaroo!

Julius: Blackie, get outta my chair!

Narrator: He's guardin' it.

Narrator: I loved Blackie, but I'm in trouble.

Narrator: While I was getting help, my parents needed help.

Drew: Hello. Is this Mr. Freely? Mr. I.P. Freely?

Carlos: Blackie, ataca! ¡Ataca!

Narrator: To y'all who don't speak Spanish, that means "attack."

Chris: All the girls call me papi.

Greg: "Papi?" You're so in there.

Rochelle: Believe me, there have been many other problems.

Narrator: One time the house flooded.

Rochelle: Can we call the insurance company now?

Julius: No. Now we have a swimming pool.

Narrator: Another time a plane dropped a load.

Rochelle: Can we call the insurance company now?

Julius: No way. Now we have new luggage.

Narrator: And another time, aliens took over.

Rochelle: Now can I call the insurance company?

Julius: No, I've always wanted to go to another planet.

Narrator: I thought I'd never see Blackie again.

Chris: Blackie, cómo estás? How are you?

Narrator: And he thought he'd never seen me before.

Chris: Blackie, remember, it's me, Chris, tu amigo. Hey papi, tranquilo. Papi, tranquilo. [Blackie chases him] No, no, no!

Background Singers: Todo el mundo odia Chris. (Everybody hates Chris.)

Chris: I'm training the dog in Spanish.

Julius: Why?

Chris: It's part of the attack-dog training. Like you can only talk to a German Shepherd in German or an Irish Wolfhound in Irish. [referring to Blackie] This is a Puerto Rican mutt.

Julius: Well, I don't care what he speaks as long as he stays out of my chair and you turn him into a killer.

Chris: Bueno. (Good.)

Julius: ¿Qué? (What?)

Chris: Nada. (Nothing.)

Julius: Forget this. I'm gettin' a gun.

Rochelle: Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun?

Julius: Who ate the big piece of chicken? [gets out a gun] You? Baby girl?

Rochelle: [gets out two guns] Who left the damn toilet seat up? Huh?

Tonya: Who ate all the cereal? [gets out a shotgun] I WILL BLOW YOUR FREAKIN' HEAD OFF!

Julius: Chris, this is it. You got 48 hours to train that dog or he's dog food.

Narrator: Dogs aren't used in dog food, but this wasn't a good time to correct my father.

Narrator: Drew and Tonya finally settled on an activity they could both enjoy: prank phone calls.

Tonya: Do you have pig's feet?

Woman on Telephone: Yes. Yes, we do.

Tonya: Well, if you wear shoes, nobody will notice.

Drew: Hi, I'm just confirming that I have a hundred large pizzas ordered to Mr. Omar's funeral home?

Man on Telephone: I'll check.

Drew: Yes, OK. Thank you. Tragic.

Tonya: Help!

Woman on Telephone: 911 emergency.

Tonya: Help! They're choking me!

Drew: Come here, woman! Shut up girl! Come here!

Woman on Telephone: Stay calm, ma'am.

Drew: Hey! Hey, get back here!

Narrator: I love havin' a dog, and losin' Blackie made me really depressed. Plus, havin' the Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Sounder, Turner & Hooch marathon on TV didn't help.

Narrator: Not only did I learn Spanish, I also learned about a whole new world. A world that, ironically, wasn't too different from the world I already knew. There was a Puerto Rican Kill Moves, a Puerto Rican Doc, a Puerto Rican Risky, and even a Puerto Rican Jerome.

Puerto Rican Jerome: Hey! Papi de otra calle! (Little dude from another street!) Lemme hold un dollar, papa. [Chris gives him a dollar]

Narrator: Everything was different, but gettin' robbed still hurt.

Puerto Rican Jerome: Gracias, hermano. (Thank you, brother.)

Manny: Go talk to Kill Moves, 'cause Kill Moves has his ear to the street.

Julius: What do you hear, Kill Moves?

Kill Moves: Four riders, two on ponies.

Julius: No! About my place gettin' robbed.

Kill Moves: I didn't hear anything about that, but don't say I didn't warn you about the comin' Indian attack.

Julius: They took my meat! All of it! Steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs, bologna!

Narrator: If they stole that stuff earlier, maybe he wouldn't have the gout.

Greg: Here's a couple books on dog training.

Chris: You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker?

Greg: I got lots of stuff in there. Let's see... I've got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal (mostly Lalique), How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible, and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know.

Narrator: That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.

Carlos: This dog is a lover, not a fighter.

Narrator: In fact, Blackie was such a lover, we have to go to commercial right now.

Chris: [about the dog] Can we name him?

Julius: He already has a name: Blackie.

Drew: But he's brown.

Julius: You black and you brown.

Everybody Hates the Bachelor Pad [3.5]

Narrator: All I knew about Mr. Omar was he liked dead men and live women.

Narrator: Now all I need is six white girls and a monkey.

Yao: I have a quiz tomorrow on chapter seven. Either I pass it, or it's your ass.

Narrator: It's not my ass' fault you suck at math.

Narrator: A little butter and onions and Tonya would make a nice side dish.

Chris: What time is it?

Mr. Omar: 8:45.

Narrator: 8:45 was a quarter past late as hell.

Ms. Morello: Your Tardiness is excused, but you should tell your family to lay off the bacon.

Narrator: Tonya went from healthy kid to guinea pig.

Rochelle: Freeze! 'Cause I ain't raisin' no babies!

Narrator: Kool-Aid's gone Rambo.

Jerome: Put the tape on, little dude.

Narrator: Get outta here, big dude.

Rochelle: Is this remedy of yours gonna work?

Julius: Oh, it'll work. It's been passed down for generations. My mother got it from my grandmother who got it from her great-grandmother who got it from a Puerto Rican lady.

Narrator: My father's home remedies were legendary. If you had a headache...

Julius: Baking soda and a pomegranate.

Narrator: If you were nauseous...

Julius: Catfish and grape jelly.

Narrator: If you were blind...

Julius: A tin cup and a white cane.

Narrator: Hey, he couldn't cure everything.

Narrator: After my mother got through with me, Tonya, and Mr. Omar, I realized that having privacy and being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be. But at least she didn't find out about Tasha.

Mr. Omar: There's some videos over there you're welcome to watch. I've got Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Dead Zone, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Death in Venice, Death Wish, Love and Death, Murder by Death, and Ososhiki a.k.a. Death, Japanese Style.

Chris: Cool, thanks.

Narrator: Turns out Mr. Omar only had one movie that wasn't about death: Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

Greg: You've got a place. Now all you need to do is get a girl. You're so in there. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a place to myself.

Narrator: I could.

[Greg is then seen alone and crying as "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen plays]

Chris: Guess I am in there.

Greg: You're so in there, we'd have to send a search party to find you.

Ms. Morello: All men are created equal, especially if they're on CP Time.

Everybody Hates Bed-Stuy [3.6]

Greg: You can still get involved in an activity.

Chris: Like what?

Greg: I don't know. Something that plays into your strong suits.

Narrator: Problem is, all I had were weak suits.

Chris: I can't eat this. My peas are touching my mashed potatoes.

Rochelle: Are they separated now?

Rochelle: [repeated line] Vote for Johnson!

Narrator: I wonder if there's a Checkers Club?

Narrator: After I changed my story, everybody else changed theirs.

Councilman Lamar Johnson: Oh, this is a disaster!

Rochelle: Can you believe what this is gonna do to the community?

Councilman Lamar Johnson: I mean, why would you let your son Chris write a story like this when I'm tryin' to get reelected?

Rochelle: What? You worried about bein' reelected when my son is out there about to be snipped to death by a scissor killer! Is that what you sayin' to me?!

Councilman Lamar Johnson: Uh, n-no, no.

Narrator: Yes!

Councilman Lamar Johnson: I'm sayin', what would people think if I'm allowin' a serial killer to roam the neighborhood?!

Narrator: I hadn't seen spin like that since Usher battled Omarion.

Narrator: Did I just get mugged from a window?

Narrator: After my mother set me straight, I had to set the story straight.

Ms. Morello: You made it up?

Chris: Well, I'm sorry. I was just giving the people what they want.

Lisa: Oh, this is just great. All the real killers running around Bed-Stuy, and you had to make one up. That's just lazy. What else did you make up? Is your real name Chris? Are you even black? Who knows?

Doc: I dated all the pretty women in Syracuse.

Narrator: Both of 'em.

Doc: Then I dated all the pretty women in Albany.

Narrator: Now we're up to three.

Doc: Then I dated all the pretty women in Pittsburgh.

Narrator: OK, we're back at two.

Narrator: Lisa hated my story, so I showed it to Ms. Morello, who loved anything black.

Ms. Morello: Lisa's right. This isn't good.

Chris: What's wrong with it?

Ms. Morello: Chris, there's nothing worse than racial stereotypes. We've seen this a thousand times. The tall, shirtless black man, his ebony pecs glistening with sweat from working in the fields, his furrowed brow filled with savage lust. Where was I?

Chris: I think you were talking about racial stereotypes.

Ms. Morello: Oh, right. I want to read about the real black men who walk the gritty streets of the hood. People like Superfly, The Mack, Black Belt Jones, Truck Turner and Blacula. Tell me the truth about the pimps and the hustlers, the violence... all set to a jazzy beat!

Narrator: Oh, there's a jazzy beat I want to give her, right upside the head!

Mr. Omar: With Himelfarb in office, everything will fall naturally into place.

Rochelle: OVER MY DEAD BODY!

Mr. Omar: That would be tragic, but if it were to happen, you can rest assured I'll give Mr. Julius a nice discount.

Narrator: When I turned in my story, Lisa read me the riot act.

Lisa: You call yourself a writer? This is the worst story I've ever read. I just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Do you know how many trees died for you to write this? You're destroying the ozone layer. People are gonna get cancer.

Chris: OK, OK. I get it. So, what's wrong with it?

Lisa: Everything. I mean, who wants to read about some crusty old ghetto Romeo?

Chris: Well, you told me to write about something I know, and I know this guy.

Lisa: Well, if this is the best you can do, maybe you should think about doing something else.

Narrator: Like the Chess Club?

Mr. Omar: What kinda councilman got people campaignin' for him hollerin' outta windows? Vote for Himelfarb!

Rochelle: How you gonna vote for somebody if you can't even spell their name?! Vote Johnson!

Mr. Omar: We can't spell his name, 'cause Johnson ruined the schools. Vote Himelfarb! When I say "Himel," you say "Farb!" Himel!

Crowd: Farb!

Mr. Omar: Himel!

Crowd: Farb!

Rochelle: Well, at least Johnson ain't locked outta his own damn house! When I say "Locked," you say "Out!" Locked!

Crowd: Out!

Rochelle: Locked!

Crowd: Out!

Rochelle: That's what he is!

Everybody Hates Houseguests [3.7]

Narrator: For most of my life, I'd never had a friend stay over at my house.

Greg: If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.

Rochelle: Come, eat.

Narrator: Help! My mother's possessed by a nice lady!

Rochelle: Now, wait a minute. You know we say grace every night.

Chris: No we don't.

Rochelle: Yes we do. Shut up and bless the food.

Narrator: If I didn't thank the Lord at the table, my mom was gonna send me to thank Him in person!

Narrator: Greg had brought so much stuff, I couldn't tell if he was stayin' over or takin' over.

Chris: You wearin' Transformers pajamas? Man, you're 15!

Greg: I like to pray as different characters. That way God doesn't get bored with me. Tonight I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. [in a robotic voice] Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Amen.

Narrator: He should pray for some self-esteem!

Narrator: Greg was drivin' me up the wall and my dad was about to get taken for a ride.

Julius: Where to?

Eddie: Las Vegas.

Julius: Seriously, man, where to?

Eddie: Las Vegas, Nevada.

Julius: Man, you crazy. Get outta my cab!

Narrator: While my father set off for Sin City, I showed Greg around the original Sin City, Bed-Stuy.

[the kids are watching TV]

Greg: What are you doing?

Chris: Turning to MacGyver.

Greg: But I wanted to watch NOVA.

Tonya: NOVA?!? What is that?

Greg: It's a show on PBS about science as it relates to the universe.

Drew: Cool! That's almost like MacGyver.

Chris: Just like Lawrence Welk is like Soul Train.

Rochelle: Chris, Greg is your guest. Let him watch NOVA. [to Greg, serving dessert] Gelato?

Narrator: Is that Italian for "Jell-O?"

Greg: Thanks!

Narrator: I thought havin' Greg stay over would be fun. Probably what the Indians thought when they first saw Columbus.

Narrator: Not just his deposit, everybody's deposit.

Narrator: Eventually, the phone company started hangin' up on my father.

Monk: How come you don't do your homework like that, Chris?

Narrator: Because I'm too busy cuttin' up boxes.

Julius: Why don't you just fly to Vegas?

Eddie: Oh, um... I'm, um... I'm claustrophobic.

Narrator: Not to mention truthophobic!

Narrator: Back at home, Greg and I were havin' our own stand-off, without the guns and the masculinity.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, my dad rolled the dice tryin' to reason with a madman.

Julius: Look, I cannot take you to Las Vegas!

Eddie: Would you take me to Las Vegas for $1000?

Narrator: For $1000, he'd take you to South Africa during the height of apartheid.

Narrator: Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.

Ms. Morello: What year did the American Revolution begin, Greg? Greg?!?

Greg: [waking up] 1942.

Ms. Morello: Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.

Chris: It's because he's staying at my house for a week.

Ms. Morello: Oh my God, he's drunk?!? Did he have a 40 for breakfast?

Greg: I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.

Ms. Morello: Don't be ashamed. Chris' people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.

Narrator: She was Don Imus in a dress.

Chris: Hey, Greg. What's up?

Greg: My dad's going out of town for a week. I have to stay with my grandmother. Not looking forward to it.

Chris: Why not?

[Greg and his grandmother are at a German party and a banner saying "Willkommen Greg!" is above everyone]

Greg's Grandmother: Left, right, left heel, right, left, right...

Julius: [on the phone] Rochelle, it's me. Listen, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I have to take a passenger to Vegas.

Rochelle: Vegas?! Julius, are you crazy? What about your regular job?

Julius: I have a few sick days I can use. I'll be back by the end of the week.

Rochelle: Julius, you are not drivin' that cab to Vegas.

Julius: The guy's gonna pay me $1000.

Rochelle: Get me Wayne Newton's autograph. Bye! [hangs up]

Greg: [angrily] Why didn't you wake me up?

Chris: You told me you didn't want me to do anything for you, so I didn't.

Greg: That didn't mean I wanted you to let me sleep through school. I missed the quarterly history test!

Chris: Well, maybe you shoulda gone to bed dressed as Superman. That way you coulda flown to school. [walks away]

Narrator: Good thing he doesn't have heat vision.

Greg: Hey, I just got a nickname!

Chris: Hey, you just got robbed!

Narrator: My dad had turned into Al Cowlings, and he didn't even know it.

Narrator: If my dad were alive to see the price of gas today, it'd kill him.

Greg's Grandmother: [to Greg] Why didn't you tell me they were Negroes? It's OK, but I would've appreciated a little warning.

Julius: How was it havin' Greg over?

Chris: Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?

Rochelle: Are you nuts?! I never worked so hard in my entire life!

Drew: And I want my bed back!

Tonya: And she is not makin' me eat no more tofu.

Julius: Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?!

Drew: And you sit up here washin' dishes for the white man!

Tonya: And that little TV show NOVA was boring!

Rochelle: I'm tired of bein' a vegetarian short-order cook!

Greg: I can't decide on a hairstyle. I'm stuck between Verdine White and Dr. J.

Manny: I cannot cut your hair, Greg.

Greg: Why not?

Manny: First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White, and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J. I've never used these scissors on straight hair. I don't know what will happen. I'll start cuttin' your hair, man, sparks start flyin' everywhere, your whole head catch on fire. And I will NOT be sued by white people!

Everybody Hates Minimum Wage [3.8]

Narrator: By 1986, I'd been workin' at Doc's for three years. Outside of gettin' robbed four times, sick on the pickles three times, and a double hernia, it was the single greatest job I ever had.

Doc: Minimum wage. Shoot. There was a time when the maximum wage for black folks was zero.

Narrator: I decided on an ultimatum.

Chris: Doc, listen. I come in on time and I never leave early. I work hard, so I deserve minimum wage. And if you're not gonna give me a raise, I'm gonna have to leave. It's a matter of principles.

Doc: Is that an ultimatum?

Narrator: Well, is it?

Chris: Yeah.

White Boy: Sir, are you hiring?

Doc: Well, am I?

Narrator: I tried to get minimum wage while my father tried to get minimum sleep.

Narrator: If I developed a drug problem, my next job might be President.

Rochelle: Girl, I am so excited! So, what styles do you have in mind?

Vanessa: Well, let me tell you about my follicular extravaganza.

Narrator: My mother imagined herself in the Eiffel Tower, the helicopter, and the black smacker.

Narrator: While my mother got a dye job, I went to get a job-job.

Narrator: This was the first restaurant in Bed-Stuy without a bulletproof window. It was the bulletproof fish place, then the bulletproof salad bar, and the bulletproof hot dog stand.

Narrator: The next day I got $3.35 worth of new job.

Mr. Fong: What are you doing?

Chris: Oh, I finished the dishes, so I decided to start my homework.

Mr. Fong: No homework! You have work-work!

Chris: But Doc always let me start my homework.

Mr. Fong: Well, you are not at Doc's anymore! Go fix the menu numbers!

Narrator: I was gettin' minimum wage and havin' minimum fun.

Chris: Mr. Fong, can I ask you a question?

Mr. Fong: All talk and no work makes Chris unemployed.

Narrator: People found the idea of getting food delivered in Bed-Stuy unbelievable.

Doc: Delivery in Bed-Stuy. Unbelievable!

Drew: My brain froze.

Rochelle: Well, you better thaw it out!

Narrator: Delivering in Bed-Stuy was an adventure.

Julius: You just can't quit every time you don't like something. What if Miles Davis quit the trumpet?

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. What if George Washington Carver quit the peanut? What if B.B. King quit Lucille? What if Paul Robeson quit "Ol' Man River?" What if Bill Cosby quit Jell-O? What if Mr. T quit "pityin' the fool?" What if Stevie quit Wonderin'? What if Fat Albert quit the Cosby Kids? What if Ashford quit Simpson? What if Michael Jackson quit doin' the moonwalk? What if Diana Ross quit the Supremes?

Julius: Diana Ross did quit the Supremes.

Chris: You get my point.

Narrator: Later, my mother's tsunami came crashin' down in waves. [Rochelle falls over] Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Narrator: The tsunami turned into Hurricane Rochelle.

Rochelle: Julius is never gonna sleep with me again and everybody's gonna think I'm...

Narrator: My mom's career as a hair model was over faster than Pacman Jones' career as a citizen.

Greg: OK, Smartypants, do I say "hi?" Do I say "hello?" Or maybe "hey?" Or even "hey, hi?" The possibilities are endless! We haven't even gotten to what I'll be wearing.

Narrator: I know what you'll be wearing: a look of frozen terror.

Female Chef: [speaking Chinese] You look like Lionel Richie.

Narrator: About as much as you look like Yoko Ono.

Narrator: No matter what I did, it seemed like I was supposed to be doin' somethin' else.

Chinese Chef: [speaking Chinese] You're sweeping my foot, fool!

Narrator: When I washed the floors...

Mr. Fong: Lionel Richie, set the tables!

Narrator: When I set the tables...

Mr. Fong: Lionel! Organize the fortune cookies!

Narrator: When I organized the fortune cookies...

Mr. Fong: 5:30! Lionel Richie, go wash the dishes!

Narrator: He wouldn't talk to the real Lionel Richie like that.

Mr. Fong: He who sleeps at work wakes up with a foot in the ass.

Mr. Fong: Lionel Richie, you're back just in time for another delivery.

Chris: I'm not goin' back out there. This neighborhood is too dangerous for deliveries. You're basically sendin' me out there with a sign sayin', "Hey, I got money. Please rob me." Plus, I almost got shot.

Mr. Fong: My nephew has been shot by the Chinese army seven times.

Mr. Fong's Nephew: [speaking Chinese] In the face!

Narrator: He should stop attackin' China.

Narrator: If you listen closely, you'll learn how to say the "N" word in Chinese.

Greg: I've been having a hard time with my Mandy situation. This girl could be my future ex-wife, and I don't wanna mess it up.

Narrator: Greg still isn't over his parents' divorce.

Everybody Hates the New Kid [3.9]

Narrator: After two years at Corleone, I'd gotten used to bein' the only black kid, but it had two major downsides. One downside was I was the only black kid, and the other was I was the only black kid.

Ms. Morello: Let's celebrate the day Chris' people finally realized they were emancipated! Happy Juneteenth, Chris! [blows a party horn in Chris' face]

Narrator: I thought things would never change, but then Albert arrived.

Narrator: Cool or not, Albert and I were two of a kind.

Narrator: The only one who wasn't looking forward to Albert bein' at Corleone was Greg.

Albert: Man, I was glad to see you. When I first got here, I thought it was gonna be like my last school, where I was the only black kid. They really gave me a hard time over there! I got beat up almost every day.

Chris: Same here.

Chris: I told you I'd be back.

Greg: Yeah, but for how long, Chris? For how long?

Narrator: That concludes another episode of "As the Nerd Turns."

Ms. Morello: Chris, you must be so happy. You must feel just like Jackie Robinson when Larry Doby arrived.

Narrator: More like Robert Parish when Dennis Johnson showed up.

Chris: Who's Larry Doby?

Ms. Morello: He was the second black man in baseball, but he was taller than Jackie... and more... strapping. His strong shoulders and Nubian profile, his Cleveland Indians uniform complimented by the rich caramel color of his skin, and the way he swung his bat.

Narrator: Forget jungle fever, she's havin' a jungle seizure!

Ms. Morello: [to Chris] After years of being alone and ostracized, you now have a soul brother! Somebody to talk jive with and to shoot dice with, to talk about being raised by MaDear with. Just seeing the two of you together would make your leaders like Dr. King and Uncle Remus proud.

Narrator: A tax refund cheque is like a bonus for broke people: a bonus which my mother accepted with grace and class.

Rochelle: Kiss my ass, Visa!

Narrator: Visa was actually the name of the lady who collected bills for MasterCard.

Narrator: Anyone who says money can't buy happiness never saw my mother with her IRS refund couch.

Chris: What do you want me to say? We have a lot in common. He gets stuff that you don't.

Greg: Like what?

Narrator: Sickle cell anemia.

Narrator: How can my life be much of a soap opera with no women involved?

Narrator: Ms. Morello was right. Hangin' out with Albert was cool, but I still felt bad about fightin' with Greg.

Caruso: There goes the neighborhood.

Albert: Hey, my dad's got an extra ticket to the Knicks game. He said I could bring somebody. You wanna go?

Chris: Are you kidding me? Heck yeah, I wanna go! Thanks, man.

Ms. Morello: Who would possess the vulgar cultural background and raw, angry street talent to do something like this?

Narrator: I'll give you one guess, and it starts with Albert.

Rochelle: Now, eat the damn cereal!

Narrator: Eat The Damn Cereal, comin' soon from Kellogg's!

Narrator: My dad wasn't the only one who was stressed because of that refund.

Narrator: It's better to hang out with friends that get you out of trouble, not into it. If only 2Pac had known that.

Julius: I'm not hungry.

Narrator: For my father to waste food, that could only mean one thing: hell must've frozen over.

The Devil: Damn, it's cold!

Julius: I can't stop worryin' about this refund. I keep havin' these nightmares. The government's gonna take all we own and we have to end up livin' in the street.

Rochelle: That is not gonna happen.

Narrator: It happened to Redd Foxx.

Chris: I changed my mind about the game.

Albert: I didn't really wanna go with you anyway!

Narrator: This is just like when Bobby Brown left New Edition.

Narrator: When it came to our friendship, we didn't see color.

Caruso: Hey Count Chocula. Hey Cap'n Crunch.

Narrator: Never woulda happened if I'd convinced Greg to wear blackface.

Everybody Hates Kwanzaa [3.10]

Narrator: Cleanin' up Kill Moves was tougher than cleanin' up New Orleans after Katrina.

Tonya: Can I have some money to buy a Christmas present for my friend Monica?

Julius: I'm afraid that's not in accordance with the principles of Kwanzaa.

Narrator: Or my father's cheapness!

Ms. Morello: This year, my holiday gift to you is a homework assignment.

Narrator: I'm glad I didn't get her anything.

Narrator: Kill Moves and his mother taught me a valuable lesson: No matter what you celebrate, the holidays should be spent with people you love.

Greg: I'm gonna do what I do every Christmas at the old folks' home.

Chris: What's that?

Greg: Pose for pictures dressed as baby Jesus.

Narrator: I posed for pictures as big baby Jesus. R.I.P., ODB.

Narrator: Christmas was my mother's favorite time of year. She loved the food, and she loved the decorations. My father, on the other hand, hated Christmas. He hated the food.

Rochelle: I need to go grocery shoppin'.

Narrator: And he hated the decorations.

Rochelle: We need decorations.

Chris: Mom, Kathleen Devereaux, 551 East 63 Street.

Greg: Dude, that's on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Do you know what kind of people live there?

Narrator: White people and Spike Lee.

Narrator: Since there was no "Kwanzaa Eve" celebration for my family, Christmas Day turned into just another Wednesday.

Drew: Aren't there any Kwanzaa shows on?

Narrator: Yeah. The Bob Hope Kwanzaa Special.

Rochelle: Everything is about Christmas.

Julius: Our ancestors played games and told stories.

Rochelle: Because our ancestors didn't have TV.

Drew: See? That's Kwanzaa's second principle, kujichagulia-- self-determination.

Rochelle: Kuji-what?

Julius: We define ourselves. We don't need the man tellin' us what to watch.

Mr. Omar: What's wrong with y'all? You look like the Grinch stole your Christmas.

Julius: We're not celebratin' Christmas this year. We're celebratin' Kwanzaa.

Drew: Yeah, we're tired of being consumed by this capitalistic nation's mindless consumerism.

Mr. Omar: Tragic.

Kathleen: Baby, it's so good to see you. I've been very worried.

Kill Moves: It's good to see you too, Mom.

Kathleen: How have you been?

Kill Moves: Homeless.

Kathleen: Other than that.

Kill Moves: Good. You know, watchin' my diet. I get a lotta exercise, and I don't talk to space people as much as I used to. Except for Gazoo.

Kathleen: Of course.

Kathleen: And who are you?

Chris: Oh, I'm Chris.

Kathleen: Welcome to my home, Chris.

Chris: Looks like a department store.

Kathleen: Well, this is my favorite time of year.

Vanessa: Hey, slick, if you wasn't a psychotic, homeless bum, I'd go out with you.

Kill Moves: Get in line, sister. Get in line.

Julius: What's Kwanzaa?

African Expert: Kwanzaa is celebrated for seven days after Christmas and emphasizes principles of family, community and culture. This peaceful African holiday was the great idea of Dr. Maulana Karenga. Later, one of his bad ideas led him to prison for four years for felonious assault and false imprisonment. Although Kwanzaa has enjoyed limited success, felonious assault swept the nation and continues to thrive throughout the African-American community today.

Narrator: After 15 bottles of shampoo and a Silkwood shower, our job was complete.

Vanessa: You're done.

Kill Moves: Ooh-ee! I look like a young Cleavon Little.

Narrator: More like an old Clifton Davis.

Narrator: While Tonya wouldn't speak about Kwanzaa, Drew was ready to start speakin' Swahili.

Drew: The first principle of Kwanzaa is umoja; unity. That means us black people gotta stick together.

Narrator: Well, that's it for Kwanzaa.

Everybody Hates the Port Authority [3.11]

Narrator: All I wanted was some Southern hospitality, but all I got was Northern hostility.

Drew: I don't like down South. People act too country.

Narrator: They're not acting.

Tonya: [looking at a family photo] Hey Ma, who's that?

Rochelle: Oh, that's your Cousin Beanie! You know what? She's 12, just like you.

Narrator: Except Cousin Beanie's not evil.

Narrator: I tried to bring Greg up to speed on the new direction of the South.

Greg: Down South? You mean, like, across the Mason-Dixon Line?

Chris: Yeah. You know, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina.

Greg: Mississippi? Are you trying to get yourself killed? You going to Mississippi is like me going to... hmm, I don't know, Mississippi.

Tonya: Ma, I'm hungry. Can we get a snack?

Rochelle: Are you nuts?! Have you seen the rats in this place?

Drew: Let's just go home and eat there.

Narrator: Same rats, different borough.

Narrator: After my mother convinced Uncle Louis to fly, we headed to Port Authority, the only place in New York scarier than our neighborhood.

Rochelle: OK, I want y'all to be real careful in here. This place is full of pickpockets, pimps, and... and, and murderers and child molesters and thieves.

Narrator: That's the Port Authority slogan.

Everybody Hates Bad Boys [3.12]

Narrator: I was a bad boy long before Will Smith and Martin Lawrence.

Maître D': Young man, I'm going to have to ask you to take your feet off the table.

Chris: And what if I don't?

Maître D': Then I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Drew: Maybe we can bring somebody.

Rochelle: Wait a minute. This sounds like a nice place. We can't just bring somebody.

Narrator: We thought about bringin' Vanessa.

Vanessa: I dated a French guy once. I can't stand French food. I mean, hors d'oeuvres. Who wants a piece of liver on a toothpick? [to a waiter] You got any chimichangas?

Narrator: We thought about Jerome.

Jerome: Excuse me, garçon, can we get some more silverware?

Waitress: I just put some out.

Jerome: I don't know what happened to it.

Narrator: We even thought about Mr. Omar.

[a woman is trying to save her choking husband]

Rochelle: Oh, my God! He's chokin'! Help him!

Mr. Omar: Hold on! There's nothing we can do.

Woman: But he's still choking! [her husband dies]

Mr. Omar: Not anymore. Tragic!

Narrator: Friends don't let friends die lonely.

Greg: Dude, once a friend, always a friend. It's the Westermarck effect.

Chris: West what?

Greg: Edward Westermarck. He was a scientist. He concluded that when two people live together in close proximity during the early years of life, they will never become boyfriend and girlfriend.

Narrator: That means I still have a chance with Shakira.

Narrator: I thought it was bad, but then I found out I wasn't the only guy that didn't know anything about women.

Jerome: Girls like it when you give them compliments. [to a woman] Hey baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.

Woman: Shut up, idiot.

Jerome: I wasn't even talkin' to her.

Tasha: [seeing an X-ray of Chris' butt with Rochelle's shoe stuck in it] Is this your X-ray?

Chris: Yeah.

Tasha: Boy, you so crazy.

Narrator: Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.

Narrator: Watchin' Slaver Slav, I learned the most important thing about bein' a bad boy: When it comes to girls, the meaner, the better, and whatever you do, don't be nice.

Dr. Information: Slaver Slav is the preeminent bad boy of rap, the top recording act at Setback Records. He's responsible for the hit album "I'm Smackin' and Stabbin' Somebody." At the tender age of 16, Slaver Slav was released from prison after serving 17 years for aggravated battery. This is Slaver Slav's first mugshot... [we see a mugshot of Slaver Slav as a baby] but it wasn't his last. He released his first single "Put Me in Jail Again and I'll Smack the Stank Off You" about a month later. The rest is history.

Julius: I've got good news.

Rochelle: You finally kicked the gout?

Julius: No.

Tonya: Chris isn't your real son?

Julius: No.

Drew: Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores?

Julius: No.

Chris: Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable?

Julius: No. I am Employee of the Month.

Everybody Hates the First Kiss [3.13]

Narrator: My father would take a coupon from Osama bin Laden.

Narrator: When I was 15 going on 16, the one thing I wanted most was a kiss from a girl, and I didn't care who it was, as long as she wasn't in my family!

Drew: Hey man, you still like Tasha?

Narrator: Does Angelina Jolie like black babies?

Everybody Hates Easter [3.14]

Narrator: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Now, let's get to commercial before I start cursin'.

Everybody Hates Gretzky [3.15]

Chris: What do you know about Gretzky?

Drew: Well, I know he's a season all-time assist leader, his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One."

Chris: What's in it?

Drew: Hmm... Canadian bacon, maple syrup... Oh, and a pickle. Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.

Chris: Sounds awful.

Drew: I never had one. It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.

Chris: Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.

Narrator: Ridin' on that bus, I had two goals: to get the autograph and to get back home.

Narrator: Drew had a point. Besides Greg, there was only one person who would care if I wasn't in school.

Caruso: [elbowing Greg in the ribs] Morning, shoeshine.

Greg: I'm not black. Why'd you do that?

Caruso: I don't know where Chris is.

Drew: This doesn't look like Long Island.

Chris: It's not. This is Coney Island!

Narrator: If this was Survivor, I'd vote Drew off the island.

Drew: When we get there, I'm gonna have to buy you one of those sandwiches.

Narrator: Might as well buy me a heart attack with a side of diabetes.

Everybody Hates the BFD [3.16]

Rochelle: I'm up, OK?! Are you happy now?! I mean, what does a woman have to do to get some rest around here, get shot?!

Mr. Omar: If you know of any young men who would like to learn about the wonderful world of death, this scholarship is worth $250.

Narrator: Sounds like ticket money to me!

Doctor: There are various techniques that you can use to avoid injury while delivering an ass-whupping. There's the Two-Cheek Cross, the Roundhouse Booty Buster, or my personal favorite, the Kunta Kinte Will Breaker. In the wrong hands a beating can be called child abuse, but in the right hands it could be the difference between raising a Bill Gates or a Bobby Brown.

Narrator: At the Death Jubilee, I was beginnin' to realize that the BFD was a bunch of BS.

Narrator: My dad held on to money so tight, George Washington couldn't breathe.

Everybody Hates Ex-Cons [3.17]

Chris: [to Malvo] Sir, you are smarter than a ninth-grader.

Chris: Malvo!

Malvo: What?!

Chris: I've decided to help you.

Malvo: [to a kid he's frightening] Looks like I won't be needing you after all, four-eyes!

Everybody Hates Earth Day [3.18]

Julius: What are you doin' to save the Earth?

Chris: I'm recycling cans, and the money I make I'm going to use to help the environment.

Narrator: Just like the Republicans.

Everybody Hates Being Cool [3.19]

Narrator: At 15, I was sick of bein' a nerd. When you're a nerd, people you want to pay attention to you ignore you, and the people you wish would ignore you, pay attention. And I was done with it.

Narrator: From now on, I was gonna be cool. Cool guys got everything: girls, cars, girls, money, girls.

Everybody Hates the Ninth-Grade Dance [3.20]

Chris: How am I gonna get a girl from this school to go with me?

Greg: Just ask somebody.

Chris: I did. I asked Lisa, Sydney, Darlene and they all said no.

Narrator: I even asked Ms. Morello.

Ms. Morello: Chris, I'm really flattered, but no.

Narrator: Where's Mary Kay Letourneau when you need her?

Narrator: My Uncle Ryan was Drew's favorite uncle because he was a dreamer, and his dream was to open a successful business. He had some bad ideas.

Ryan: Fried bread crust.

Drew: Fried bread crust?

Ryan: Some people like the inside of the bread. This is for people that like the outside.

Narrator: This is for people who like bypass surgery.

Julius: [eating a bread crust] How much you need?

Narrator: And a couple of good ideas.

Ryan: They got 31 flavors of ice cream, I got 31 flavors of chocolate milk. Swiss chocolate, cinnamon chocolate, raspberry chocolate, maple chocolate, peanut butter chocolate. You gotta get in on this.

Julius: Well, what flavor is this?

Ryan: This is milk chocolate.

Drew: Milk chocolate chocolate milk?

Narrator: Official drink of diabetes.

Everybody Hates Mother's Day [3.21]

Narrator: Voltron hadn't taken a shower in years.

Narrator: On Mother's Day, all I could do was hope my mom didn't know the difference between Pure Voodoo and Pure Voo-don't.

Greg: Hey, check out what I made for my mom for Mother's Day: macaroni pajamas.

Chris: Don't you think you're a little bit too old to be making macaroni presents?

Narrator: When Greg got engaged, he gave his fiancée a piece of rigatoni.

Narrator: The problem with going to department stores is every time a black person enters, they get followed. It didn't matter if you were a baby wearing diapers or a senior citizen wearing diapers... or even one of their own.

White Security Guard: He's on the move.

Black Security Guard: What do you mean, "I'm on the move?" I work here!

White Security Guard: Sorry. Force of habit.

Narrator: You'd think it'd be Christmas, and it might have been if Jesus cleaned our house and cooked our meals.

[Jesus appears to serve the family meatloaf]

Tonya: That smells good.

Jesus: Who wants meatloaf?

Chris: Hey Dad, what you gettin' Mom for Mother's Day?

Julius: Me? Why should I get anything? It's Mother's Day, not Wife's Day.

Adult Tonya: [narrating] Hey, you shut up, too.

Narrator: Get outta my voice-over booth, woman! This is "Everybody Hates Chris," not "Everybody Hates Tonya!"

Adult Tonya: [narrating] Whatever.

Narrator: I wanted to give my mother something nice because all I could think of was how much she sacrificed. She sacrificed at home.

Rochelle: OK, who wants pizza? [the rest of her family each grabs a slice]

Narrator: And she sacrificed on the street.

[it is cold outside]

Tonya: Thanks for your coat, Momma.

Rochelle: That's OK, baby. I like the cold.

Perfume Clerk: The perfume contains up to 20% more aromatic compounds than the eau de toilette, and is classified by the olfactive family, though it does not exist as a true, singular aromatic material, whereas the eau de toilette contains up to five to ten...

Narrator: You can see the rest of this 20-minute speech over at PerfumeNut.net.

Narrator: Mother's Day was two days away, and I was up the creek without a present.

Everybody Hates Graduation [3.22]

Rochelle: You better not get on stage and embarrass me in front of a bunch of white people, or else I'm gonna smack the pomp outta your circumstances.

Ms. Morello: It looks like you're going to Tattaglia after all.

Chris: But this isn't fair!

Ms. Morello: I know, but always remember this: When you get to the other side of the river, the streets of heaven will be lined with gold for you, me, and all God's chilluns.

Narrator: I was still in shock, so I didn't have the presence of mind to smack her upside the head and run.

Greg: You know, we can't let this happen. Starsky and Hutch didn't break up.

Narrator: They were both white.

Greg: Butch and Sundance didn't break up.

Narrator: White again.

Greg: Crockett and Tubbs didn't break up.

Narrator: Tubbs thought he was white.

Ryan: You know what would be a good idea? A show about cops arrestin' people.

Narrator: But what would you call it?

Narrator: Graduatin' from Corleone was one of the best days of my life because I was surrounded by my family, and this was the one day I wasn't gonna get punched, kicked, beat down or talked about.

Rochelle: [to Mr. Perkins] Where are you gettin' this information?

Narrator: I'll tell you where he's gettin' it.

Ms. Morello: Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says.

Everybody Hates Tattaglia [4.1]

Narrator: These weren't your everyday white kids; they were bigger, faster, and stronger. Also, they were sexier. They had sexier backs... and sexier fronts.

Narrator: Finally, I thought my troubles were over. I wasn't gonna be the only black kid on the bus, and I wasn't gonna be the only black kid at lunch. And for a change, I wasn't gonna be the only black kid in my class.

Greg: Want some cash?

Chris: You kiddin' me?

Greg: Take it, man. I can get more tomorrow.

Narrator: Greg was like an ATM machine with acne.

Rochelle: I do not need this, OK?! My man has two jobs!

Narrator: Two jobs equals one finger.

Julius: [standing on a man's car] MY BABY WANTS A JOB!

Man: Get off of my car, fool!

Ms. Morello: [overjoyed] Oh, my God! Chris!

Narrator: It'd be 20 years before another woman had that reaction.

Tonya: [to a blond woman] Did you dye your hair blond or did you dye your eyebrows black?

Mr. Thurman: If you wanna get along with me, don't be lazy.

Narrator: Or black.

Vanessa: I'm losin' more customers than a Muslim rib shack.

Narrator: Ah salaam a-lick-'em!

Narrator: While my future was lookin' up, Tonya's was goin' down the drain.

Tonya: So, I'm gettin' fired for bein' honest?

Narrator: It happened to Don Imus, and it could happen to you.

Mr. Thurman: Who the hell are you?

Chris: I'm Chris.

Narrator: Star of the new movie, Guess Who's Coming to Homeroom.

Narrator: In a school that was 7% Latino, 9% black and 3% Asian, I somehow ended up in a class that was 99.9% white.

Chris: I need to change homerooms.

Ms. Morello: Oh, what's the problem?

Chris: Mr. Thurman hates me.

Narrator: Everyone does. It's in the title of the show, dummy.

Ms. Morello: I thought you had about as much chance of working with the football team as Boy George does of joining Quiet Riot, but you did it!

Narrator: And oddly enough, so did Boy George.

Everybody Hates Cake [4.2]

Narrator: Because I was a guy and a good cook, I got a lot of attention.

Tasha: Mom, why do you always have to do this?

Peaches: Tasha, please stop talkin' to me like I'm your daughter.

Mrs. Williams: OK, for our second group of partners, we have Sadie and Lola, Tiffany and Amber, Chris and...

Narrator: Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria!

Mrs. Williams: ...and Angel.

Angel: [after Chris squeezes his hand too hard] Ow!

Narrator: I broke his androgyny bone!

Narrator: She may not know how to work an oven, but she knows how to work me!

Narrator: I was cool with Angel, but not with androgyny, so I asked my dad for help.

Julius: Unless you show up wearin' makeup, heels, and a dress, nobody's gonna think you're androgynous.

Narrator: There haven't been this many ex-cons in one place since Naomi Campbell had lunch with Amy Winehouse.

Peaches: Malvo, do you like Jell-O?

Malvo: Yeah, I love Jell-O.

Peaches: I love Jell-O too!

Greg: I'm gonna go beat up some nerds. Have fun at your bake-off!

Mr. Omar: The lady I'm seein' likes to do things by the numbers. I was waitin' on 800. She had a special surprise for me at 800, and you ruined it!

Narrator: The surprise was, she was a man.

Drew: Isn't that kinda weird?

Mr. Omar: Isn't that kinda none of your business?

Chris: Welcome back, dude.

Greg: Thanks.

Narrator: After a couple weeks at Tattaglia without Greg, I tried hangin' out with a few different crowds to make myself feel better. I tried hangin' out with the losers.

Chris: So, what do you wanna study? Math or science?

Loser #1: Dude, why are you always studying?

Loser #2: Yeah, you act like you're graduating tomorrow.

Loser #1: Don't be such a downer.

Chris: I even tried hangin' out with the break-dance crews.

Narrator: After all was said and done, even a roomful of girls wasn't the same as having one good friend.

Chris: Greg? What are you doing here?

Greg: Got kicked out of the Bronx Academy, so I'm back.

Chris: See you still have that coat.

Greg: I've changed in ways you couldn't imagine, Chris. I've seen things. I've done things. I've tasted blood and it tastes good.

Chris: Hi. I'm Chris.

Angel: Hi. I'm Angel.

Narrator: Ahn-Hel? More like, "What the hell?"

Chris: What's up with the outfit?

Narrator: And the makeup?

Angel: I'm androgynous, silly.

Dr. Information: Around 1986, a new trend emerged called androgyny. Inspired by the looks of personalities such as Boy George, Prince, Grace Jones and Attorney General Janet Reno, gender benders, as they were also called, stretched the perceptions of what it meant to be male or female.

Everybody Hates Homecoming [4.3]

Narrator: During football season at Tattaglia, there was nothing more important than Homecoming Week.

Rochelle: [to Chris] Would you go dance with yourself someplace else?!

Narrator: Nothing like a parent's love to destroy your confidence.

Julius: What the heck is that?

Narrator: "Careless Whisper."

Narrator: Man, that scene put the "azy" in "crazy."

Greg: At the Bronx Academy, I was somebody.

Narrator: Yeah, you were the guy who got kicked out.

Dr. Clint Huckstable: What is this ringin' of the bells while I am eatin' this sweet potato pop?

Tonya: I don't want you to walk me to school. Leave me alone.

Narrator: That's how girls turned down R. Kelly.

Narrator: While I was gonna catch Greg later, some other guys were gonna catch Greg now.

Chris: [to Greg] If you don't get your harmonica-playin', hole-in-the-sock-wearin', woe-is-me, I-should-have-everything-easy behind up, I'm gonna smack the crack outta you!

Drew: Morons have the highest IQ of the mentally retarded, so if something's wrong with her, you may not notice at first.

Narrator: Like the first time you watch Bill O'Reilly.

Dr. Clint Huckstable: Now you know what it's like to come into your home and not believe what the eyes are seein' because your daughter is boo-hooin', sheddin' the tears.

Rochelle: Who the hell are you?

Dr. Clint Huckstable: I am Dr. Clint Huckstable, and I am the father of the daughter sheddin' all the tears because the son of the mother from Bed-Stuy... stood her up at the Tattaglia-talia public school homecomin' dance.

Everybody Hates the English Teacher [4.4]

Narrator: The classes that I thought would be exciting would be boring, and the boring classes were even worse.

Narrator: My English teacher was like a sleeping pill in a skirt.

Greg: Dude, the movie The Invisible Man has absolutely nothing to do with the book Invisible Man. I don't know what you wrote, but whatever it is, you better not let Ms. Rivera read it.

Narrator: Too bad I didn't write that paper in invisible ink!

Narrator: While I was tryin' not to fail English, my parents were tryin' not to fail inspection.

Julius: Rochelle, it just burns me up to think that we're up here workin' while Mr. Omar's downstairs in our house, chillin'. Oh, he's not that bad.

Rochelle: "Not bad?" Julius, in one night he managed to drink all the Kool-Aid, file his toenails on my table, and keep me up half the night playin' records.

Julius: Maybe he is a little nuisance.

Rochelle: Yeah, like cancer.

Drew: Is that all you watch? The Munsters?

Narrator: Yeah, he watches The Addams Family, too.

Ms. Rivera: Let's do it.

Narrator: Years later, those very same words sent Mary Kay Letourneau to jail.

Narrator: Drew went on to make a fortune sellin' sub-prime mortgages.

Narrator: Are they mistakin' me for Marion Barry?

Narrator: Well, once again, I learned a lesson. I learned that movies can teach you almost as much as books can, but in the process, I lost the best teacher I ever had.

Monk: So, what made you think of this, anyway, Chris?

Chris: Well, I remembered that Jaws was a book before a movie, so I figured they made a movie out of The Invisible Man.

Kill Moves: I wish they'd start makin' movies into books. Popcorn gettin' expensive.

Topless Teacher: Does anyone know what these are?

Narrator: Reason her husband cries?

Everybody Hates My Man [4.5]

Walter Dickerson: I don't know why we need to learn about history, anyway. What difference does it make who won? It's over. The Japanese won, and now we have Walkmans.

Narrator: Thank God Italy won World War IV and we got pizza.

Narrator: When Dickerson said, "My man," it was like bein' vice president.

Julius: Anything can happen at any time. A toilet could fall outta the sky and crush you. A bus door could clamp on your neck and choke you. A poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and bite you. You could fall off a bridge and drown, and you could trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated. You could be smokin' a cigarette and blow up while siphonin' 65 cents' worth of gas, and you could eat some bad coleslaw and get diarrhea and die of dehydration. You could step in a puddle and be electrocuted by a downed wire. You could blow your nose and startle a cat with rabies...

Rochelle: OK, OK, we get it! We can die at any time, and you're happy!

Narrator: At school, things were gettin' ugly, but to my father, life was beautiful.

Narrator: If you keepin' score, that's happy: zero, my mother: one.

Mr. Thurman: Do I have black sunglasses and a piano?

Narrator: Actually, he did.

Mr. Omar: Don't you already have two jobs? You want another one?

Narrator: That's like asking Amy Winehouse if she wants another drink.

Priest: Are you Christopher?

Chris: Yeah.

Priest: Dickerson said you can get the Devil out of this little girl. [we see a possessed girl next to him]

Narrator: While I had it hard, my father became a soft touch.

Risky: Hey, I need $10 for gas.

Julius: Regular or premium?

Risky: Premium!

Julius: [giving Risky some money] Here you go.

Risky: My man! [walks off]

Vanessa: I need to get my hairdryer fixed.

Julius: Just buy yourself a new one. [gives Vanessa some money]

Vanessa: Ooh! [walks off]

Monk: I need some ammo for my bazooka.

Julius: Anti-tank or anti-personnel?

Monk: Anti-tank, of course.

Julius: [giving Monk some money] Here you go.

Monk: Thank you. [walks off]

Jerome: Can you lemme hold some bail money?

Julius: And get yourself a lawyer, too. [gives Jerome some money]

Policeman: C'mon, boy. [drags Jerome away]

Jerome: I didn't do nothin'.

Everybody Hates Doc's [4.6]

Stacy: Doc's told me so much about you.

Narrator: He didn't tell me a thing about you.

Narrator: When Stacy said I had to work for her, she meant it. I had to go for groceries, get her dry cleaning, and mine her coal.

Narrator: I was happy Doc had a girlfriend. Too bad I have to kill her.

Narrator: While I wanted less attention from my boss, Tonya wanted more attention from boys.

Chris: If I don't have a woman by the time I'm 60...

Narrator: I'll kill myself.

Narrator: I was like Cupid's retarded little brother. Damn, I'm good.

Stacy: It is the same thing over and over again, and Stacy is tired of it! Stacy is not a fool! When Stacy smells smoke, Stacy doesn't stand around and wait for the fire! Stacy is leaving!

Narrator: Referrin' to yourself in the third person. It ain't just for athletes no more.

Doc: Get that bottle of whisky for me.

Narrator: At least he didn't ask me for a box of tissues.

Narrator: While Doc was feedin' the bums, losin' Stacy was eatin' him up.

Narrator: Stacy was back with Doc and out of the store on weekends, which was all I ever wanted. Doc said he was gettin' another cashier. Whoever it was, they'd have to be better than Stacy.

Mr. Fong: Hey, Lionel Richie, you're late! Get busy! Scrub floor!

Stacy: No matter how much you think you may hurt a woman's feelings, you have to tell the truth. She may hate you, burn down your house, pour bleach on your clothes, attack your new girlfriend with ants or take every dime you make. She may scratch your car with a rake or use your home phone to call China long-distance. She could put milk and detergent in your gas tank or put turpentine and nail polish remover and itching powder in your underwear. [2 hours later] She may glue your private parts to your leg or send an assassination threat to the President with your return address.

Narrator: Believe it or not, Doc's girlfriend was the second-worst boss I've had. Mr. Fong was the worst, and I could only imagine how hard it would be workin' for him again.

Mr. Fong: Hey, quit imagining what it would be like to work for me and get back to work, Lionel Richie.

Drew: I love Stacy. She came by today and brought me a pie. And if she was 13, I'd probably have to take her from you, Doc.

Narrator: You'd have to get past R. Kelly first.

Greg: Captain Obvious only gives you the obvious solution. The rest is up to you.

Narrator: Kinda like Google.

Doc: Stacy said it's over, called me every name in the book.

Narrator: You can never find that book in the library.

Everybody Hates Snitches [4.7]

Walter Dickerson: What's the matter, past your bedtime?

Narrator: Yes!

Narrator: After The Last Dragon, karate became more popular in the ghetto than poverty. Everybody was doin' it. Boys were doin' karate, girls were doin' it, even old people were doin' it.

Narrator: The idle sister is the Devil's workshop.

Julius: Why is it always my responsibility to make sure the anniversary is good while you get to sit back and complain? I spent money on dinner, tickets, a hotel, and what do I get? $250 worth of angry stare.

Narrator: Nowadays, that stare costs over a thousand.

Chris: What you think I am, a snitch?

Narrator: Yes!

Rochelle: Oh, baby, this is the best make-up anniversary ever.

Narrator: Translation: You blew it once, don't make it happen again.

Julius: We won't be able to use those $150 worth of show tickets to celebrate our anniversary.

Narrator: Sidney Poitier had nothing on my father's actin' abilities.

Award Presenter: And the award for "Best Husband Acting Like He Was Sad About Not Going Out On His Anniversary When He Was Actually Upset About Losing His Money" goes to... Julius!

Chris: [about watching Drew and Tonya] Ma, I can do it. I mean, I know how much you've been looking forward to this and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of us.

Award Presenter: And the award for "Best Kid Pretending Like He Gives A Damn About His Mother's Anniversary When He Really Wants To Get Out Of The House So He Can Sneak Out And Do Something He Doesn't Have Any Business Doing" goes to... Chris!

Vanessa: I was married once. For our anniversary, he took me to a Knicks game. I broke up with him at halftime.

Narrator: And ended up goin' home with Bernard King.

Narrator: At the barbershop, rumors about Jerome were spreadin' faster than Britney Spears for the paparazzi.

Chris: I got all the emergency numbers: Fire, Police, SWAT, FBI, CIA, IRS, NAACP, and the NBA.

Narrator: In case Chris Mullin breaks in.

Everybody Hates Big Bird [4.8]

Narrator: I didn't have anything against Big Bird, but unfortunately for me, she didn't have anything against me, either.

Jerome: Hey, little dude out on a date, lemme hold your money! [Chris runs off]

Big Bird: Chris, wait!

Narrator: No!

Vanessa: Every time the Jets win, I use my green toothbrush.

Narrator: Four outta five dentists think she's crazy.

Narrator: That kiss from Big Bird made me feel like Superfly.

Chris: Lemme make it up to you. Lemme take you out again.

Kelly: No. Never. Het. Noya...

Narrator: Unfortunately for me, Kelly spoke 15 languages.

Kelly: ...Jo. Cuwa. Momo. Tla.

Narrator: Was that Cherokee?

Kelly: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Narrator: Tonight's episode was brought to you by the letters D, A, M, and N!

Vanessa: [explaining her date with Kill Moves] We opened the champagne, headed for the seaport. There was a pink helicopter waitin' for me.

Narrator: You can hear about the rest of Vanessa's date at www.vanessa'sbigdatewithkillmoves.tv.

Narrator: Kelly didn't realize that I was avoidin' bein' seen with her. She just thought I was the greatest phone boyfriend ever.

Chris: I guess my favorite rappers are Run-D.M.C.

Big Bird: I love Salt-n-Pepa.

Chris: My favorite character from the Rocky movies is Clubber Lang.

Big Bird: I love Captain Drago.

Chris: And I jumped off the top stairs, started flyin', and landed on the Mary Jane Girls.

Big Bird: I had the exact same dream, except I landed on Rick James.

Narrator: About the only thing we didn't talk about is when we'd get together again.

Football Player #1: Hey, it's Big Bird!

Football Player #2: Hey, where's Bert and Ernie?

Football Player #1: [to Chris] I guess that makes you... Snuffleupagus?

Football Player #2: No, it makes him Roosevelt Franklin!

Football Player #1: Cookie?

Both: COOKIE!

Everybody Hates James [4.9]

Rochelle: Hello. Thank you for calling. Nobody is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.

Rochelle: What's this?

Narrator: Flowers from a white person's garden.

Narrator: Tryin' to find a black kid in Bed-Stuy was like tryin' to find a needle in a needle stack.

Narrator: Just because James didn't want a Brother from Another Mother, didn't mean he wasn't gettin' one.

Mr. Perkins: 3:00 P.M. See you tomorrow.

Narrator: No he won't.

Narrator: James was tough, but he was still 12.

Rochelle: Who the hell is Oprah?

Narrator: That was the last time those words were ever spoken.

Rochelle: Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup!

Narrator: And neither did my father.

James: I'm not pettin' no farm animals.

Narrator: He was also allergic to goats.

Julius: Did you just pick our lock with a credit card?

Jerome: This? Nah, this was an accident. I thought this was my house.

Chris: You live across the street.

Jerome: Sorry man, I'm dyslexic.

Narrator: After all was said and done, I found out a few things about James. His real name was Cleavon, he was raised by the streets, and he was still a 12-year-old kid.

Narrator: I already had a younger brother from the same mother. The last thing I wanted was one from another mother.

Mr. Perkins: Being a Brother from Another Mother is a huge responsibility. Your influence is molding a mind, changing the course of a life.

Narrator: You could say the same thing about crack.

Rochelle: If nothing's wrong, then why are you bringin' me flowers?

Julius: I'm just tryin' to treat you the way I would wanna be treated if I was married to me.

Narrator: Now legal in California.

Everybody Hates New Year's Eve [4.10]

Narrator: Doc was the only person I knew who celebrated Old New Year's Eve.

Narrator: She's a bale of cotton away from sendin' us back 300 years.

Rochelle: You better watch your mouth unless you wanna get smacked into the new year.

Greg: I can't believe your dad saved a guy. That's so cool. You know, if that guy had been a girl, he'd be so in there.

Narrator: Another one of Greg's pick-up techniques. If you stop a girl from killin' herself, she might go out with you.

Narrator: Too bad I didn't make a New Year's resolution to be depressed!

Narrator: Just because I ain't goin' to Times Square tonight, am I gonna jump off a bridge?

Chris: Ma! Can I go to Times Square with Tasha, Peaches and Malvo?

Rochelle: Hell, no!

Narrator: My dad had the key to the city, but it couldn't open gridlock.

Narrator: I never really believed in things like New Year's resolutions, but for the first time in my life, all my dreams were comin' true.

Narrator: Kissin' Tasha on New Year's Eve was amazing, but my only fear was that I was gonna turn into a pumpkin at midnight.

Narrator: New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.

Rochelle: This year, I'm gonna stop yellin' at my children.

Narrator: No you're not!

Rochelle: Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Narrator: Not my sister.

Tonya: This year, I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.

Narrator: Yes you will!

Rochelle: [off-screen] Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Tonya: Chris did it!

Narrator: Not my father.

Julius: I'm gonna stop worryin' about my money.

Narrator: Stop lyin'!

Julius: Chris, close that door! You just left out 86 cents' worth of refrigeration!

Narrator: Not my brother.

Drew: This year, I'm not gonna take any more girls from Chris.

Narrator: We'll see about that!

Girl: That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?

Chris: I'm Chris. You came in with me.

Everybody Hates Mr. Levine [4.11]

Narrator: In every city, people had disasters they had to survive. In Miami they had hurricanes, in San Francisco they had earthquakes, and in New York we had blackouts.

Chris: Do you think I stole something?

Mr. Levine: No, I'm just a freaky old man who likes to see the inside of pockets.

Drew: Where were you, Chris?

Narrator: With the Grand Wizard of Bed-Stuy.

Narrator: While havin' a sidekick was gettin' old, my mom was feelin' young.

Mr. Levine: What are you, a Good Samaritan?

Narrator: In Brooklyn, bein' nice only aroused suspicion.

Rochelle: [to Peaches, about her leopard-skin jacket] So, what do you think?

Narrator: I think a leopard cub is missin' his mommy.

Narrator: Back at school, Greg was doin' more wardrobe changes than Beyoncé in concert.

Narrator: The only thing scarier than a man almost dyin' was the man who had almost killed him.

Mr. Levine: Next time you wanna do me a favor, do me a favor... don't.

Greg: I thought I didn't have a personality of my own, but you don't.

Narrator: Yay! We both suck!

Mr. Levine: Used to be an ice cream stand there.

Chris: Oh, that's where they sell crack now.

Mr. Levine: That's where Jerry and Becky Rosenthal got married.

Chris: Yeah. Now that's where Petey Pete got Tisha-T pregnant.

Mr. Levine: That's where Jacob Cohen got shot 30 years ago.

Chris: Oh. That's where this guy is about to get shot right now.

Woman with Gun: Eat lead! [shoots a guy]

Chris: Mr. Levine, it's me, Chris! Let me in! LET ME IN!!

Mr. Levine: Hey, hey, hey! Last time I let you in, I went to the hospital, almost got shipped to the farm... but you did me a favor, I saw my daughter, and me and Doc patched it up. You happy? Now, beat it!

Narrator: And with that, Mr. Levine taught me everything I needed to know about white people.

Everybody Hates Varsity Jackets [4.12]

Narrator: In professional sports, the best athletes get a sneaker contract.

Narrator: While Tonya tried to get into Drew's group, my mom tried to get into a pair of jeans. [Rochelle tries hard to put on a pair of jeans] She sweated less during childbirth.

Narrator: I was hopin' to get a varsity letter, but I was afraid I would get three of them: D.O.A.

Referee: The Tessio Tigers do not have a wrestler to compete in this weight class, and therefore, the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish win by default!

Coach Brantley: Look at you with your win by forfeit, huh? You're just one step away from getting that varsity letter.

Narrator: I'm glad my neck still works.

Rochelle: I made extra if anybody wants seconds.

Narrator: Nobody wanted firsts.

Narrator: The only one who was eatin' instead of drinkin' was my father.

Narrator: What difference could a pound make? None, unless I could fight somebody. [Chris gets beat down] Not even Don King could fix that match.

Coach Brantley: I could give you a letter, but you get "L" for loser.

Julius: You eatin' a Slopper?

Rochelle: You want a bite?

Tonya: I'm takin' the girls and startin' my own group.

Narrator: Called TMA: Too Much Attitude.

Julius: So I've been spendin' money on shakes while you've been wastin' money on food?!

Narrator: Only my father would think food was a waste of money.

Everyone: Yes.

Julius: I work two jobs and you let me leave the house with nothin' on my stomach but a fish juice shake?!

Narrator: Not cool unless your husband's a shark.

Julius: If this is how you do it and you tryin' to get skinny, I'd rather have you fat.

Narrator: That's what Kirstie Alley's man said to her.

Chris: Rice, rice, rice. Do you think all I knows is rice? I was there when George Washington Carver shucked that first peanut. I make yams and corn and cotton, but all America wants is them little grains of rice. I gives and I gives till I can't gives no more.

Ms. Morello: Chris, you're excused from all of your classes. Professor Lee will be taking them for you.

Chris: Is he smart?

Ms. Morello: Chris, he's Asian. If you could turn his smart into black, he'd be darker than Yaphet Kotto in a pot of chocolate.

Chris: Cool.

Narrator: If Yaphet Kotto fell into your pot of chocolate, how would you know?

Drew: Aren't you gonna do something?

Princess Latifah: Why don't you do something?

Drew: 'Cause I'm the one auditioning you.

Princess Latifah: No one talks to Princess Latifah like that! Next!

Narrator: While Drew was takin' his first step towards the charts, I was makin' my first step toward the mat.

Coach Brantley: Since this is your first day on the mat, I'm gonna walk you through some moves. You watch wrestling on TV?

Chris: All the time. Hulk Hogan, André the Giant, the Iron Sheik. I love all those guys.

Coach Brantley: It's too bad, 'cause all that crap is fake.

Chris: They call me the Black Plague.

Rochelle: Isn't that an insult?

Julius: I'm just glad you winnin'. We don't wanna know the things they call Jackie Robinson.

Narrator: If you really wanna know, ask Michael Richards or Don Imus.

Everybody Hates Fake IDs [4.13]

Jerome: Little dude from across the street's friend who lives across town!

Rochelle: GENE!!!

Background Singers: Everybody hates Gene.

Chris: How are we supposed to get in?

Narrator: Easy. Just wait three more years.

Rochelle: [to Julius] Don't worry. You're not having a party.

Narrator: That's what the Democrats said to Hillary [Clinton].

Narrator: Back at school, I was more depressed than the Fat Boys at a finger sandwich party.

Chris: You got the IDs?

Greg: Is Janet Jackson in control?

Narrator: Yeah, but Michael isn't.

Narrator: Drew couldn't see through his hand, but he could see through Ryan's BS.

Ryan: Gimme my 50 back.

Narrator: That's what 50's girlfriend said to Vivica Fox.

Caruso: [to Chris and Greg] If it isn't Bosco and Milk.

Narrator: I didn't know what's more surprisin': my mother givin' my father the cold shoulder or my father givin' me cold cash.

Everybody Hates PSAT's [4.14]

Mr. Thurman: You got a big future ahead of you.

Narrator: A super-sized future.

Narrator: At Hansel and Gretel, my mother laid down the law like the Big Bad Wolf.

Ms. Morello: You're like a chocolate Einstein.

Narrator: More like a chocolate Pinocchio.

Narrator: The teams were all white, but unfortunately for them, the questions were all black.

Judge Watkins: Lady, you're out of order!

Rochelle: You're out of order! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!!

Ms. Morello: Listen, I have to go while I still have some hubcaps.

Narrator: Too late!

Rochelle: Boy, I oughta knock you into subspace.

Chris: Isn't that ridiculous?

Everybody Hates Boxing [4.15]

Greg: It's like taking candy from a baby.

Narrator: Who would do that?

Coach Thurman: Instead of being the Italian Stallion, you'll be the Black Stallion!

Narrator: Hope I don't get sent to the glue factory!

Julius: Why you starin' at my feet?

Narrator: She loves your bunions.

Narrator: My father had two full-time jobs (three if you count my mother).

Coach Thurman: I need you, you need me.

Greg: And we need those tickets. It's a win-win.

Narrator: Said the guy who wasn't gonna get punched.

Narrator: Drew's window attracted more perverts than Times Square.

Drew: Showtime!

Narrator: This gives a whole other meaning to Neighborhood Watch.

Narrator: By dinnertime, I wasn't hungry 'cause I was full of myself.

James: When is she gonna stop screamin' and start strippin'?

Drew: [slapping James] That's my mother!

James: I know!

Everybody Hates Lasagna [4.16]

Narrator: Before Cops was a show on TV, I saw cops chasing criminals every day in Bed-Stuy.

Narrator: Even though I hid the weed, I couldn't hide the smell.

Rochelle: I don't need a computer. Girl, I'm a walkin' computer.

Vanessa: But I'm not. Girl, I don't even know what's goin' on in my own salon anymore.

Narrator: Sounds like my father.

Peaches: My prison was better than school.

Narrator: How'd you know? She never went to school.

Angel: There's a lot of people getting high in school these days.

Narrator: That's why they call it high school.

Narrator: While my mom was gettin' the lowdown with Vanessa, I was tryin' not to get the whole class high.

Ms. Morello: [to Chris] You might be black, but you're not fireproof.

Narrator: A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: Big ones, like losin' your job, and little ones, like tryin' to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hidin' it in the bathroom.

Julius: Who's hidin' $27 worth of weed in the toilet?

Narrator: I thought about hidin' it in my room.

Tonya: Momma! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!

Narrator: I even thought about hidin' it in the kitchen.

Rochelle: Who hid weed in my cereal?!

Narrator: But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Julius: How many times do I have to tell you that Jamaicans do not sell records?

Narrator: If they do, they're Sean Paul.

Narrator: Back at school, I had Jamaican Gold in my shoe and Italian Greg in my case.

Julius: You did somethin' I didn't like, now I'm doin' somethin' you don't like.

Narrator: You're lucky he didn't make you pay $12!

Narrator: Tonya was such a big fan of Lisa Lisa, for a while we had to call her Tonya Tonya.

Narrator: Hi, this is Chris Rock. I'd like to take this moment to say this television network does not condone the use of marijuana or any illegal substance, even if it's funny, so please don't sue me. Now, back to the show!

Mrs. Williams: Class, this is K9 Officer Kilo. Now, there's no reason to be afraid. He doesn't bite unless he's ordered to.

Narrator: He's better-behaved than Naomi Campbell.

Rochelle: How do you know what weed smells like?

Narrator: Scratch 'n sniff Rick James' sticker?

Everybody Hates Spring Break [4.17]

Greg: Free at last, free at last! Thank God almighty we are free at last!

Chris: Greg, it's spring break, not the end of racism.

Narrator: The janitor was like the Don "Magic" Juan of Camaros.

Narrator: [after Chris accidentally runs over Greg] White man down! White man down!

Greg: Dude! You hit me with a car.

Narrator: Sounds like the title of an Ashton Kutcher movie.

Greg: So, where were we? Oh, that's right. You were trying to explain how you didn't run me over.

Chris: No, I didn't.

Greg: So that wasn't you behind the steering wheel when my face was smashed up against the windshield?

Chris: No, because if I had hit you, that meant I was driving someone's car, and that someone would go to jail for a really, really, really long time if we snitched. So, not only would you be hurt, he would be hurt also, and don't you think enough people have been hurt already?

Greg: OK, I get it. You didn't hit me.

Narrator: Spoken just like Tina Turner.

Chris: Man, it's messed up!

Greg: That's OK. We've survived worse things. Remember the time we survived those Cuban drug runners?

[Cuban drug runners are threatening Greg with guns and a chainsaw]

Cuban Drug Runner: Where's the drugs?!

Chris: We don't have any coke, but there's a Pepsi machine upstairs.

[we see a tear running down Greg's face as the Cuban drug runner speaks some Spanish]

Greg: Yeah, and remember the time we were captured by those Vietnamese guys?

[a Vietnamese guy spins a gun, which then points at Greg; he then punches him]

Chris: C'mon! Go ahead, Greg. Go ahead! [the Vietnamese guy punches him] It's gonna be OK. It's gonna be all right. [the Vietnamese guy punches Greg] GO AHEAD!

Greg: Go fish.

[the Vietnamese guy punches Chris and Greg]

Chris: Remember the time we took out that mobster? [to Greg] Leave the gun. Take the Pop-Tarts.

Greg: Yeah, we've had some crazy times.

Narrator: Not only was it rainin' at the beach, back at home, it was rainin' on my parade.

Rochelle: Chris, is that your wrestlin' coach?

Narrator: I guess that answers who they got arrested.

Greg: Kristoff St. John didn't hit me.

Chris: Yeah, he's right. That's not him.

Rochelle: Well, I thought you said you didn't see anything.

Narrator: Yeah, dummy!

Chris: Oh. Now that I think about it, it's kinda all coming back. As I came around the corner, I think I might have caught a glimpse of the driver.

Cop: Well, let's get you with the sketch artist.

Narrator: Jesse from All My Children, you're next.

Narrator: While I was dodgin' another bullet, raindrops kept fallin' on my dad's head.

Narrator: My father's spring break was bein' rained out, and my mother enjoyed bein' stretched out.

Greg: Dude, you hit me with a car, broke my leg, and then made me lie to the cops. I think the least you can do is give me some OJ.

Narrator: After all was said and done, Greg had something to say about what we did.

Rochelle: Hittin' someone with a car is not illegal. Lyin' to the police is.

Chris: Ma, I know you're mad, but it's over. It all worked out. It's not a big deal.

Rochelle: You broke your friend's leg, you both lied to the police, we were in the middle of a police shoot-out with a serial choker, and you don't think it's a big deal?

Narrator: Not in Bed-Stuy.

Narrator: In all the years of school, there was nothing I loved better than summer vacation, and the next best thing was spring break.

Greg: Once I get up to Lake Winnipesaukee with my mom and dad, it's not gonna be good.

Chris: I thought your parents split up?

Greg: They did, but neither one will give up the timeshare, so I'm taking the bus to meet them for a weekend of fishing and drinking... and fighting.

Narrator: Don't forget cryin'!

Drew: I hate the sand. I don't know where it comes from, and it gets into places you can't get it out of.

Narrator: Like broke cousins.

Narrator: While I was makin' it clear that I didn't hit Greg, my family was gettin' ready to hit the road.

Everybody Hates the Car [4.18]

Narrator: When I was 16, I crossed a major milestone for teenagers: I finally got my driver's license.

Rochelle: Boy, this is not a library.

Narrator: If it was, you'd be quiet.

Drew: What are you doing?

Julius: Nothing.

Narrator: Nothing he wants you to know about.

Rochelle: Do you have a pen?

Tonya: For what?

Rochelle: For me not to smack the smart outta you.

Greg: Whenever you're ready, I'll be ready.

Greg: Dude, where's our car?

Narrator: That sounds like the title of a movie.

Chris: Cigarettes?

Narrator: Careful! They might complicate your pregnancy.

Rochelle: Why is everybody lookin' at me?

Julius: Because you smokin' a carrot.

Greg: We can go to the shore to get girls. We can drive to Manhattan to get girls. We can go to Coney Island to get girls.

Chris: Do you realize that it's still gonna be us in the car?

Greg: It doesn't matter. Cars equal girls.

Everybody Hates Back Talk [4.19]

Narrator: After sayin' "No" to my mother for the first time, I didn't know what to expect.

Rochelle: What did you say?!

Chris: I said no.

Narrator: Twice!

Rochelle: That's what I thought you said. [throws some silverware at Chris, who has been pinned to a door because of that, then threatens him with a knife] Now say it again.

Chris: Ma, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.

Rochelle: I don't wear all the clothes, but... I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I... I make them all by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself!

Chris: Ma, Drew and Tonya are sittin' right there doin' nothin'. Why can't they help?

Rochelle: Because I told you to do it! Now, I don't wanna hear no more back talk. Now, clean this mess up.

Chris: No. I'm not gonna do it.

Rochelle: Lord, please help me before I knock this boy's neck off.

Rochelle: Where have you been?

Julius: I stopped to get coffee.

Narrator: With his coffee coupon.

Narrator: With my father on his way to Doc's, I was a dead man workin'.

Julius: I just need to understand why you would talk to your mother like that.

Chris: Dad, Drew and Tonya were sittin' down watchin' TV and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. It's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?

Julius: Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.

Chris: Why?

Julius: Because she will make your life miserable. Do you know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times!

Narrator: And countin'!

Chris: How is that even possible?

Julius: Because she doesn't care!

Chris: It doesn't make any sense!

Julius: Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of livin' with women: Nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.

Narrator: I had survived the walk home. Now all I had to do was apologize, and my life would go back to normal.

Narrator: I had put my foot down, but unfortunately, it was into my own grave.

Narrator: While my mother was teachin' me lessons about life, Mr. Omar was teachin' a lesson about death.

Narrator: How come when a woman says, "Fine," it's never actually fine?

Tonya: Will you quit bein' stupid and go clean up the kitchen like Momma told you?!

Julius: Why is this table such a mess?

Narrator: Somebody fired the maid.

Vanessa: Chris, you are a child. Parents don't negotiate with children.

Narrator: When you're a kid, one of the most important lessons you learn is when your parents tell you to do something...

Rochelle: Y'all better eat that liver.

Chris, Drew and Tonya: Yes, ma'am.

Narrator: ...you do it, no matter what you think.

Rochelle: Boy, get your feet off my good chair.

Drew: Yes, ma'am.

Narrator: No matter what it is.

Rochelle: Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!

Tonya: Yes, ma'am.

Narrator: No matter how you feel.

Rochelle: Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris: No!

Rochelle: What?

Narrator: Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!

Rochelle: While you were out takin' your time, sippin' on coffee, your son was here staging a COUP!!

Julius: A coup? What? Who, Drew?

Rochelle: CHRIS! I spent 20 hours of labor pushin' out that big-eared boy, and he turns around and does this to me?!

Julius: Does what? What did he do?

Rochelle: What did he do? Oh, what? You're on HIS side now?!

Julius: No, no! I... I'm just tryin' to find out what's goin' on!

Rochelle: Oh, what's goin' on? What's goin' on? Lemme think about what's goin' on. YOUR SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! That's what's goin' on! I, I... I cook. I clean. I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a FULL-SCALE MUTINY! Led by a child who I bore for a man who's supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? I'm findin' out now that I'm just BY MYSELF!

Julius: Rochelle, what did he do?

Rochelle: I told Chris to wash the dishes and he told me, "No." And what do you do? Nothing!

Narrator: Whenever there was a problem my mom couldn't handle, she'd call my dad for backup, like the governor bringin' in the National Guard.

Rochelle: Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris: No.

Narrator: Well, it's been nice knowin' you, America.

Narrator: First thing in the morning, my mother did the meanest thing yet: nothin'.

Chris: Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for school!

Rochelle: You grown. Wake yourself up. If you don't wanna do nothin' for me, I ain't doin' nothin' for you.

Narrator: And she didn't. She didn't do my laundry.

Chris: Where's my underwear?

Rochelle: You grown. Wash your own drawers.

Narrator: She didn't make my meals.

Chris: Where's my breakfast?

Rochelle: You grown. You can cook your own food.

Monk: I also will take that, uh... helmet and those death darts.

Mr. Omar: That's a crock-pot and pens, man!

Monk: Not in the jungle, it's not. You know, I can make me a hand grenade out of a can of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.

Mr. Omar: Well, you need to use it to blow your own brains out. Don't they have centers for people like you?

Chris: My mom's been mad at me before, and she'll be mad at me again. What's the worst she can do, not be my mother anymore?

Rochelle: I'd like to return this child.

Nurse: Do you have the receipt?

Rochelle: Sure do.

Nurse: Looks good! Take this to the cashier for your refund.

Rochelle: Thank you!

Rochelle: Next time, you need to remember: This ain't your kitchen! This ain't your stove, this ain't your floor, those ain't your frozen gizzards, that ain't your...

Chris: None of this is mine. Maybe I should find someplace else to be.

Rochelle: Uh-oh! Did y'all see that? I guess he jumpin' bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! You's a bad mutha... Shut yo mouth! No! Since you're so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.

Chris: Fine! I'm leavin'.

Narrator: I stood my ground, and now it was gonna be standin' out on the street.

Everybody Hates Tasha [4.20]

Tasha: Boy, you so crazy.

Narrator: Oh, I'm crazy, all right.

Rochelle: Will both of y'all shut up?!

Narrator: That don't rhyme!

Greg: Oh, man! You're gonna be so in there! I can't believe you ran it down! I only just ran. What'd she say?

Chris: She said she'll think about it.

Greg: But what does that mean?

Chris: It means, "Lemme check every option, see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."

Narrator: When she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.

Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?

Blind Girlfriend: Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?

Narrator: She checked dangerous guys.

Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?

Robber Girl: Yeah, he does! Now gimme your money!

Narrator: She even checked guys who were girls.

Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?

Androgynous Guy: I'm my own girlfriend.

Tasha: What'd you get me?

Narrator: A big box of nothin'.

Chris: I got a surprise for you later.

Tasha: You do? What is it?

Narrator: It's a surprise to me, too.

Chris: Well, I wanted to wait till later, but, you know, after I get home from school, I wanted to celebrate with you. I'll bring your present then.

Narrator: Good one!

Tasha: Ooh! And then we can go to Mr. Woo's and get some Chinese food. And then we can talk about what this crazy girl said to me at school. And then we can talk about...

Narrator: Another thing I learned quickly is that much like bin Laden, girlfriends like to make plans, and those plans did not include Greg.

Narrator: The best thing about the girl next door is that she's right next door, and the worst is that she's right next door.

Tasha: I will not be ignored, Chris.

Narrator: I'm lucky I don't have a pet rabbit.

Narrator: After everything I'd been through with Tasha and as crazy as she acted, she really did have a point. Breakin' up over one fight wasn't worth it, and if she didn't think it was over, then it wasn't over.

Tasha: Oh, Chris.

Chris: Hey. I was mad earlier.

Tasha: I noticed.

Chris: It's not that I want to break up with you. I just think we need to get clear about some things.

Tasha: Like what?

Chris: First of all, you cannot cancel my work so we can go hang out.

Tasha: OK.

Chris: And I'm sorry that I overreacted. I'm new to this relationship stuff.

Tasha: OK, good.

Chris: What's wrong?

Tasha: I am breaking up with you.

Chris: I thought you said that we were still together.

Tasha: Until I said we were breaking up. We're breaking up. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Narrator: Me, either.

Rochelle: [repeated line] Is she white?

Everybody Hates Bomb Threats [4.21]

Mr. Thurman: Since you like to talk so much, you are gonna memorize that speech!

Chris: But I have to study for finals!

Mr. Thurman: Not if you don't get that speech memorized because if ya don't, you're gonna get suspended, and then you won't be here to take final exams! You got a momma joke for that?

Narrator: If I tell it, I'll get suspended right now.

Tallulah: My name is Tallulah LaFitte. I came in here the other day to get my hair dyed honey brown, and it come up like this!

Rochelle: Well, did you have color in your hair before you came in?

Tallulah: So, what if I did? I didn't want my hair to be orange! I look like Ronald BlackDonald!

Rochelle: Well, hair is like crayons, you know? You mix colors, you get new colors. If you don't know what you mixin', you don't know what you're gonna get.

Tallulah: I don't care about no mixin' colors, miss! You need to give me a refund!

Narrator: You need to put those fingers away!

Rochelle: Um, we don't give refunds. That's our policy. Didn't you read the signs?

Tallulah: Didn't I need to speak to the manager?

Rochelle: She's just gonna tell you the same thing I just said.

Tallulah: How do you know that?

Rochelle: Because she is me! So I'm sorry, but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours, it's not our fault.

Narrator: That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears.

Tallulah: Ah-ah! This is not over, miss! Until you give me back my money, I'm putting a mojo on you and yours. A hex on everything you touch and everything you do. So it is said, so it shall be done. [chants in foreign language, then leaves the beauty salon]

Narrator: That was Barack Obama's middle name.

Rochelle: And Obama-lu to you, too!

Julius: [to Rochelle] Are you OK?

Narrator: No, she's mad she can't slap soup.

Tonya: It looks like Clay-Dough and grits.

Drew: Ugh, it tastes like Clay-Dough and grits.

Julius: It is Clay-Dough and grits.

Narrator: After three days of studyin', I was a lot like William Henry Harrison: dead.

Chris: [on the phone] Hello. I have planted a bomb at Tattaglia High. Unless everybody is out of that building in the next 40 minutes... everybody will be out of that building in the next 40 minutes.

Narrator: Back home, my dad's mojo recipes were layin' eggs.

Julius: Honey, I've done everything I can and things just keep gettin' worse. They've had over four glasses of the remedy, and their temperature just keeps goin' up.

Narrator: Maybe that's because Clay-Dough is not the stuffy-nose, runny-eyes, scratchy-throat and knock-you-out-so-you-can-sleep medicine.

Narrator: I didn't freak out like that again until Big Puddin died.

Rochelle: Would you do that voodoo that you do so well?

Narrator: The week before finals was the most pressure-packed time of the year. Kids reacted to the pressure in lotsa different ways. Some kids took it out on themselves, and some kids took it out on others.

Narrator: In the '80s, makin' a bomb threat was nowhere near as easy as it is now.

Cop: Sir, unless the bomb is committing a crime, there's nothing we can do.

Fireman: Unless the bomb is up a tree and can't get down, there's nothing we can do.

Narrator: I thought I'd finally got the right people on the phone, but I still couldn't figure out why the school wasn't bein' evacuated.

Chris: Don't we have a copy machine?

Librarian: We did, but it turned out to be a fake. It was a copy of a copy machine. The Xerox police confiscated it. If your hand starts to cramp up, use the other one.

Narrator: I was quite familiar with that principle.

Mr. Thurman: Do you know William Henry Harrison?

Chris: Yeah. Wasn't he that guy who cleaned up that woman in My Fair Lady?

Mr. Thurman: No, that was Rex Harrison.

Chris: Oh.

Rochelle: You know Miss Tallulah?

Vanessa: Yeah. What about her?

Rochelle: Well, she was unhappy with her hair color, so she seemed pretty upset, so I just gave her a refund.

Vanessa: REFUND?! What you do that for? I have a strict no-refund policy. You know that.

Rochelle: Well, Vanessa, she put a hex on me. A mojo!

Vanessa: A mojo? You let that woman come in and scam you for $40 because she threatened you with a mojo? She's been doin' that ever since she came in, 'Chelle. She's crazy! She's the reason I put the sign up there.

Mr. Thurman: [to Chris] You got a way with words, which would be a good thing if this was... you-got-a-way-with-word-ology!

Everybody Hates the G.E.D. [4.22]

Ms. Morello: Just for the record, Chris, you can't afford to be late again. The clocks in this school are set to Eastern Standard Time, not CP Time.

Chris: What difference does it make if I'm late? We took all our tests. We only got, like, one more week to go.

Ms. Morello: Counting today, you have been late 29 times this year, and 30 is the limit. If you're late again, you will not be promoted. You will have to repeat the 10th grade.

Chris: Say what?!

Ms. Morello: Say word.

Narrator: Oh, there's a word I wanna say, all right!

Narrator: Just about everything I went through at school was hard. The work was tough.

Chris: "Q?" What's a "Q?"

Narrator: The people were mean.

Chris: [to Greg] Go ahead. [Greg runs off]

Chris: Are we havin' a fight or a dance-off? [Caruso punches him]

Caruso: You know I can't dance.

Narrator: But the one thing about school that was harder than anything else...

Rochelle: Chris, wake up.

Narrator: ...was gettin' there.

Rochelle: It's time to go to school. You can't learn nothin' in bed.

Narrator: Tell that to Kim Kardashian.

Julius: How many times does a girl graduate from sixth grade?

Narrator: In Bed-Stuy, five.

Chris: Mr. Thurman, I can't be late!

Mr. Thurman: Then consider yourself early for next year.

Narrator: Meanwhile, I was goin' down like O.J. in the Vegas trial.

Rochelle: Chris, this is your own fault. If you woulda told me you were havin' problems, then I coulda done somethin'.

Julius: It's not the end of the world. Most people don't get to finish the 10th grade once. You get to do it twice. It's kinda like workin' a double shift.

Chris: Do you know how embarrassing that's gonna be?

Rochelle: As embarrassing as bein' 40 and still livin' with your mother 'cause you were too stupid to listen to her and repeat the 10th grade and get your diploma.

Narrator: After all my parents did for me, I tried to do somethin' for myself.

Julius: G.E.D.?

Chris: Yeah, it's just like graduatin' from high school.

Rochelle: No it's not. Do you get a G.E.D. cap and gown? Can people sign your G.E.D. yearbook? Do they have a G.E.D. reunion?

Narrator: Yes. It's called "Flavor of Love."

Julius: Didn't your hair used to be yellow?

Pam: That's blonde.

Rochelle: If you wanna sulk, go sulk. It's not gonna change anything.

Narrator: Ask Hillary Clinton.

Rochelle: You wanna be a comedian? Ha! Very funny!

Narrator: [as Chris enters a diner] Next to a pregnancy scare, waitin' for the results from my G.E.D. was one of the scariest moments of my life.

Waitress: Who gets that fried crust?

[Chris inserts a quarter into the jukebox on the table, then "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi plays]

Rochelle: [showing up] Hi, baby.

Chris: Hey. Where's Drew and Tonya?

Rochelle: They're walkin' over from Doc's.

Chris: [singing] Tommy used to work on the docks. Union's been on strike; he's down on his luck. It's tough.

Rochelle: [as Drew and Tonya shows up] Hey!

Tonya: Hi Mom.

Drew: Oh, I love fried crusts!

Rochelle: Don't fill up on it.

Tonya: Where's Daddy?

Drew: In his skin. When he jumps out, you can jump in.

Rochelle: [singing] Hold on...

Chris: [singing] ...if we make it or not. We'll give it a shot.

Chris, Drew, Tonya and Rochelle: [singing] Oh, we're halfway there! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer! Take my hand; we'll make it, I swear! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer!

Chris: Hey Ma, I heard they were hirin' at Red Lobster.

Tonya: They're not hirin' you.

Drew: I wonder how hungry people have to be to eat a lobster? Like, who looks at that and says, "Man, that looks good?"

Rochelle: Have you thought about what you're gonna do if you don't pass the G.E.D.?

Julius: [showing up with Chris' G.E.D. results] Hey everybody.

Tonya: Hey Daddy.

Rochelle: Hi. What's that?

Julius: Chris' G.E.D. results.

Drew: Did you pass?

Tonya: Open it.

Julius: Is that fried crust?

Drew: Yeah. And it's good.

Chris: [last line on the show] What's it say?

Cast

Tyler James Williams — Chris Rock
Tichina Arnold — Rochelle Rock
Terry Crews — Julius Rock
Tequan Richmond — Drew Rock
Imani Hakim — Tonya Rock
Vincent Martella — Greg Wuliger
Whoopi Goldberg — Louise Clarkson
Chris Rock — Narrator (voice only)/Mr. Abbott
Travis T. Flory — Joey Caruso
Ernest Thomas — Mr. Omar
Antonio Fargas — Doc Harris
Todd Bridges — Jimmy "Monk" Harris

Quoternity