Freddy Got Fingered Quotations

Freddy Got Fingered is a comedy film directed by and starring Tom Green. Some of the scenes are similar to the antics seen in his own The Tom Green Show. It is largely built around gross-out and shock humor.

Gord Brody

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

Japan four!

He's a molester... He's a CHIIIILD molester!!!

You're fucking fired, Bob! Clean out your locker at the club, Bob. You're fucking FIRED!

You can't hurt me, not with my cheese helmet!

I see the problem here! There's a baby inside your BOOOODDDYYY!

Get inside the animals!

[singing] Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausages? Daddy, would you like some sausage? Sausages? Sausages?

Look, Daddy, I'm a farmer!

[narrating his cartoon, "Zebras In America"]

You'll love how simple misunderstandings get us into a whole heap of trouble. It's crazy. Listen to my hooves! Listen to my hooves! Listen to them. Cloppety-clop. Listen to them. Cloppety-clop.

I'm a 28 year old man! I can eat a chicken sandwich if i want!

I'm the backwards man, the backwards man, the backwards man. I can walk backwards fast as you can. I can walk backwards fast as you can

Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks or something? For supplies, for, like, pens or Liquid Paper or a Trapper Keeper or one of those little compasses that you put the pencil in and you can make a circle, a perfect circle.

Eh, hmm. Investments. Eh, I do investments. Consulting in the business, eh, business, eh, analysing, stocks, eh, NASDAQ, eh, Dow Jones, Wall Street Journal, eh, New York City, CNN.

I hope I get a jobby, Freddy. I got my fingers crossed!

THIS IS FANCY RESTAURANT! THIS IS A FANCY RESTAURANT!!

I wanna try the horsey! I wanna try the horsey!

I say GENEVA, and you hear HELSINKI?!?

"I only see one Le Baron, Freddy... I only see, I don't see two Le Barons... Where's YOUR Le Baron, Freddy? Where's your Le Baron? How many Le Barons? Are there TWO Le Barons?..."

look at me daddy, im a farmer

Darren

Don't rub on Mr. Lee!

[observing Gordy's drawings of his dad] Oh yeah, he's a character!

What in the name of sweet breakfast meats are you doing?

Others

Policewoman: GET OFF THE FUCKING BAR, ASSHOLE!

Betty: Your dad called me a retard-slut-whore. I don't think he likes me very much, Gordy.

Jim: [after seeing Darren's leg during the skateboarding accident] O-oh god! Get him a job! I mean get him an ambulance! You get a job, he's got a job already!

Dialogue

Gord Brody: He's driving me insane.

Freddy Brody: No, no, you're driving him insane. You're older than me and you still live at home. I have a job, you know? I pay my own way.

Gord Brody: You work at a bank. Am I suppose to be dazzled?

Freddy Brody: Well at least I don't live at home.

Gord Brody: Yeah, you live in a tiny shithole and you can't afford breakfast so you come here and you eat for free.

Jim Brody: Where are you going?

Gord: Bye bye daddy! Bye bye daddy! I'm going to get a jobeee!!!

Jim Brody: You must think I'm a damn idiot!

Gord: Ummm... yes?

Gord: You can't have complaints there's not enough cheese in the cheese sandwiches. I mean, if there's no cheese in a cheese sandwich, that's basically just two slices of bread, and if word of that were to get out, well, I could lose my job! I could lose all of this! And we wouldn't want that, would we? Would we?! WOULD WE! HUH?!

Customer: What the fuck am I gonna do with that?

Gord: Well, you could stick it in your bum-bum.

Jim: I'll fix him. [turns the water temp level down] How's the water? Cold enough for you? [he then breaks into the bathroom, then flushes the toilet] Don't tell me you're so goddamn stupid you can't even tell the difference between hot and cold. [opens shower to find Gord with a soap on a rope in scuba gear] What the fuck is going on?

Gord: I'm underwater! Look! I found a treasure.

Jim: A treasure? That's soap on a rope!

Gord: SHHHHHH!!! I'm pretending it's a treasure!

Jim: Get outta my goddamn scuba gear you imbecile! [he pulls him out, destroying the shower's doors]

Gord: [he sees the soap fall into the toilet] Oh no, the treasure! It went into that underwater cave!

Gord: I'm gonna make you so proud.

Jim: Make your daddy proud.

Gord: You're gonna be so proud. Proud? Proud.

[pulls out of parking space and honks at a pedestrian]

Get the fuck outta the way!

Gord: If I were you, I would go out. I'd have sex.

Julie: Oh, honey. No.

Gord: If I were you, I'd go out. I'd have sex with strange men. I'd have sex with basketball players. I'd have sex with Greeks. Men from Greece. I'd satisfy my urges. I'd satisfy my sexual desires.

Betty: I'm gonna give you a blowjob.

Gord: Oh Betty. It's only our first date. Don't you think we should go do some romantic stuff first? Maybe take a walk in the park or something?

Betty: No, I can't walk.

Gord: Maybe I can take you for a roll.

Jim: Wait a minute, you're crippled.

Gord: Dad..

Betty: Wha--what?

Gord: Dad..

Betty: You got a problem with my legs?

Jim: No, you've got a problem with your legs. Either that or you're just lazy.

[Gord is building his skateboard ramp early in the morning]

Darren: Shh! Gord! Gord! Don't hammer 'em so loud. Geez, it's late, you're gonna wake up your parents.

Gord: You're right. I should probably use the electric nail gun.

Darren: Yeah.

[Gord starts using it and it creates even more noise]

Darren: Shh! Gord!

Gord: What?

Jim: Oh, boys. Will you two faggots stop making so fucking much noise? We're sleeping.

'['Gord starts nailing in more hammers to annoy Jim]

Darren: Shhh!

Jim: Goddamnit! IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING! Stop the fucking hammering!

Mr. Malloy: Hey! I got a kid over here, okay! Gord, are you guys almost done over there?

Gord: Yeah, nearly, Mr. Malloy.

Andy: Hey, Gord. Can I play on your ramp tomorrow?

Gord: Sure, Andy. Any time.

[Jim screams out of rage then goes back into the house]

Darren: Does your dad got, like, bowel problems?

[Darren walks into the house to see Gord horribly playing a keyboard, drawing, and eating sausages tied on strings to his hands, all at the same time]

Darren: What in the name of sweet breakfast meats are you doing?

Gord: For your information, this is me being creative. Betty told me this is what I have to do in order to become an artist.

Darren: Oh, yeah? Is it working?

Gord: I don't know. I can't think of anything to draw, 'cause I'm so stupid! [singing while horribly playing the keyboard] I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid...

Darren: [looks at one if Gord's drawings] This is kinda funny, Gord.

Gord: Yeah?

Darren: Yeah, I mean, like, you can see it because it's your dad. But... he's a character, your dad.

Gord: He is?

Darren: Yeah.

Therapist: Jim, do you hear what Gord is saying here?

Jim: I hear him boohooing about his broken wheelie-board ramp. Is that what you mean?

Therapist: Yes, Jim. But do you understand what he's saying? Sounds to me like he just wants you to accept him as your son. To approve of him and what he wants to do with his life. How does that make you feel?

Jim: First of all, I don't give a rat's ass what this punk wants. As long as he lives in my house and eats my food, I make the rules.

Gord: I wanna eat chicken burgers!

[Jim stands up]

Julie: Jim, don't hurt my baby. Now, sit down.

Jim: You're an embarrassment to my family.

Gord: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I don't touch Freddy.

Jim: Say what?

Therapist: Excuse me?

Gord: Yeah, he touches my little brother. He takes him behind the furnace and touches him in his pants.

Jim: See the insanity I put up with?

Gord: He's embarrassed.

Julie: Jim!

Gord: He touches my little brother. He...he... [looks at his fingers] he fingers him.

Jim: You're a goddamn liar.

Julie: Jim! Do you touch him? Do you finger our boy?

Jim: Don't you get wacky on me. What the fuck are we talking about?

Therapist: Mr. Brody, this is very serious. Based on what I've heard here today, I am required by law to notify the authorities.

Gord: You hear that, Dad? You're gonna pay! He's a molester. He's a chiiild molester!

[throws statue threw window and then jumps out screaming]

Jim: You'd better run, you liaaaaaaar!

Taglines

This time you can't change the channel.

A touching story of a young man who desperately wants to make his daddy proud.

Quoternity