Galaxy Quest Quotations

Galaxy Quest is a 1999 film: a parody of Star Trek and the cult following and conventions it has spawned. The movie is about the washed-up stars of a fictional 1978–1982 TV series called Galaxy Quest and an alien race (the Thermians) who, having no concept of fiction, believe it to be a "historical document". The Thermians have modelled every aspect of their society on the show, including building a fully functional replica of the show's ship, the NSEA Protector. The actors subsequently join the crew of the real Protector (with the Thermians under the impression that the actors are their characters) to try and stop General Sarris, a villain who threatens to destroy the Thermians.

Directed by Dean Parisot. Screenplay by David Howard and Robert Gordon.

"Never give up, never surrender!" Taglines

Dialogue

Sir Alexander Dane: I played Richard III.

Fred Kwan: Five curtain calls.

Sir Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me! I can't go out there, and I won't say that stupid line one more time.

Jason Nesmith: You will go out there.

Sir Alexander Dane: I won't. And nothing you can say will make me.

Jason Nesmith: "The show must go on."

Sir Alexander Dane: Damn you.

Jason Nesmith: Hi! What's up with her? Doesn't she talk?

Teb: Her translator is broken.

Laliari: Ya-la-la-la-la!

Jason Nesmith: Hokey dokey.

[On Jason]

Gwen DeMarco: You've got to admit, they really do love him.

Tommy Webber: Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.

Gwen DeMarco: They're not all "historical documents." I mean, surely you don't think "Gilligan's Island" is a--?

[The Thermians' faces fall]

Mathesar: Those poor people.

Guy Fleegman: Hey, guys. Th-there's a red thingy moving toward the green thingy.

Jason Nesmith: What?

Guy Fleegman: Red thingy. Moving toward the green thingy. I think we're the green thingy.

[Tommy is trying to steer the ship through a minefield.]

Sir Alexander Dane: Could you possibly try not to hit every single one?!

[The actors are flying a shuttle to an alien planet]

Guy Fleegman: [whimpering] I changed my mind. I wanna go back.

Sir Alexander Dane: After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?

Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.

Jason Nesmith: You're not going to die on the planet, Guy.

Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name?

Jason Nesmith: It's, uh, uh--I don't know.

Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.

Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name.

Guy Fleegman: [hysterical]: Do I?! Do I?! For all you know, I'm "Crewman Number Six"! [puts his head on Gwen's shoulder and cries] Mommy! Mommy!

Sir Alexander Dane: [gratingly sarcastic] Are we there yet?

[Fred Kwan is enthusiastically eating crackers and cheese]

[The shuttle has landed and the hatch is being opened by Fred.]

Guy Fleegman: [frantically] Hey! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air?! You don't know! (begins holding his breath)

Fred Kwan: [calmly sniffs the air, takes a couple panting breaths] Seems okay.

Sir Alexander Dane: Could they be the miners?

Fred Kwan: Sure. I mean, they're like three years old.

Sir Alexander Dane: [looks at Fred] Miners, not minors.

Fred Kwan: You lost me.

Jason Nesmith: Give me any kind of signal?

Tommy Webber: I'll do this. Caw! Caw!

Jason Nesmith: What are you, an infant?! We have these! [shows Tommy his communicator]

[Fred has tested the "digital conveyor" teleportation device on a pig-lizard that was chasing Jason Nesmith, but the pig-lizard has been horribly mutilated by the process.]

Jason Nesmith: [over the intercom] What? What was that?

Sir Alexander Dane: Uh, nothing.

Jason Nesmith: I heard some squealing or something.

Gwen DeMarco: No, everything is fine.

Teb: [cheerfully] But the animal is inside out. [Gwen quickly tries to cover Teb's mouth]

Jason Nesmith: I heard that! It got turned inside out?

[The pig-lizard bursts, spattering the area with gore. Some of it lands on Teb.]

Teb: [unfazed] And it exploded.

Jason Nesmith: Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out and then exploded?!

[Jason is being menaced by a huge monster made of rocks.]

Tommy Webber: Go for the eyes, like in episode 22!

Jason Nesmith: It doesn't have any eyes!

Tommy Webber: Well, then go for the throat or something. Its vulnerable spots!

Jason Nesmith: It's a rock! It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!

Guy Fleegman: I know! You'll need to make a weapon. Look around; can you construct some sort of rudimentary lathe?

[After Jason returns to the ship]

Jason Nesmith: Did you get the beryllium sphere installed?

Teb: [cheerfully] Yes, commander. The ship is completely operational.

Jason Nesmith: Perfect! Then you guys can drop us off and be back home before supper.

Teb: Oh, no, sir. We have no reason to go back.

Jason Nesmith: [not catching on] Of course you do! Family, friends, come on!

Teb: We are all that is left.

[After Sarris tortures Mathesar and orders a tear harness for Gwen]

Jason Nesmith: I'm not the commander!

General Sarris: What did you say?

Jason Nesmith: [getting up, in pain, speaking assertively] I said I'm not the commander. Leave them alone. There's no reason to hurt them. They don't know anything.

General Sarris: Explain.

Jason Nesmith: Gwen, show him the historical documents.

Gwen DeMarco: Computer, show the historical documents of the Galaxy Quest missions.

[A monitor activates nearby, showing the introduction to the TV show, including introducing the characters.]

General Sarris: [begins to laugh] Wonderful. [turns back to the captives] You have all done far greater damage than I ever could have. Bravo! [chuckles again] Bravo! This is a moment I will treasure. [to Jason's crew] Explain to him who you all really are.

[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar that he is an actor on a TV series.]

Jason Nesmith: Mathesar, there's no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors.

General Sarris: He doesn't understand. Explain as you would a child.

Jason Nesmith: We, uh, we pretended. [on Mathesar's blank look] We lied.

[Mathesar looks shocked]

General Sarris: Yes, you understand that, don't you?

Jason Nesmith: I'm not a commander. There's no National Space Exploration Administration. We don't have a ship.

Mathesar: [looking at the TV screen] But there it is...

Jason Nesmith: [measures about two inches using his fingers] The ship is that big.

Mathesar: But inside, I see many rooms.

Jason Nesmith: You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is... is wire with plaster around it. And our digital conveyor is... it's Christmas tree lights. It's a decoration. It's all fake. Just like me.

Mathesar: But why...?

Jason Nesmith: It's difficult to explain. On our planet, we, uh... we pretend to... to entertain. Mathesar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.

Fred Kwan: We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone.

Guy Fleegman: Listen... I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this. [he brandishes an oversize alien gun] I'm okay. I might be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.

Fred Kwan: That's suicide!

Guy Fleegman: I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.

Fred Kwan: Guy — Guy, maybe you're the plucky comedy relief. You ever think about that?

Guy Fleegman: Plucky?

Fred Kwan: Besides. [goofy laugh] I just had this really interesting idea...Yeah let's go.

Guy Fleegman: Are you stoned?

Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? There's no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!

Jason Nesmith: Gwen —

Gwen DeMarco: No! I mean, we shouldn't have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?!

Jason Nesmith: Because it's on the television show.

Gwen DeMarco: Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was BADLY WRITTEN!

[Quillek, the Thermian who lived in imitation of Dr. Lazarus, has just been mortally wounded by Sarris' troops.]

Sir Alexander Dane: Quillek, it wasn't too bad. We'll get you to the medical quarters. You'll be fine.

Quillek: It has been my greatest honor to serve with you. I have been blessed. I,I...

Sir Alexander Dane: Don't speak, Quillek.

Quillek: You'll forgive my impertinence sir, but... even though we had never before met, I always considered you... as a father to me.

Sir Alexander Dane: [with feeling] Quillek... by Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.

[The Protector is on a collision course with Sarris' ship.]

General Sarris: Let me remind you, sonny, I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake!

Jason Nesmith: Well, let me tell you something, Sarris. It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating!

Gwen DeMarco: Armor almost gone, Jason.

General Sarris: You fool! You fail to realize that with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper!

Jason Nesmith: And what you fail to realize is that MY ship is dragging mines!

[The Protector turns at the last minute, sending the magnetic mines which have been chasing it colliding into Sarris' ship, destroying it on impact]

Tommy Webber: Set a course for home, commander?

Jason Nesmith: Can you do that?

Tommy Webber: Oh, yeah, it's just point-and-click. Oh — but we gotta go through the black hole, though.

[No one objects to or is at all fazed this]

Brandon's mom: Where are you going with those fireworks?

Brandon Wheegan: Well the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole and just, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach fifteen, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.

Brandon's mom: [stares at Brandon incomprehensively] Uh, alright. Dinner's at seven.

[Brandon leaves and his mom looks at his dad]

Brandon's mom: Well, at least he's outside.

Brandon Wheegan: I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said.

Jason Nesmith: It's okay, now listen--

Brandon Wheegan: But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that it's just a TV show. I know there's no beryllium sphere...

Jason Nesmith: Hold it.

Brandon Wheegan: ...no digital conveyor, no ship...

Jason Nesmith: Stop for a second, stop. It's all real.

Brandon Wheegan: Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

[After the Protector is damaged by its trip through the mine field]

Jason Nesmith: Where are you going?

Sir Alexander Dane: To see if there's a pub!

Computer voice: Enemy is matching velocity.

Gwen DeMarco: The enemy is matching velocity.

Sir Alexander Dane: We heard it the first time.

Gwen DeMarco: Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer!

Lathe: General, I’ve lost them. The magnetism of the mine field is disrupting our instruments. Wait! I see something. [Pointing] Yes, yes! There they are.

Sarris: Get back on their tail.

Lathe: I can’t, sir.

Sarris: What? Why not?

Lathe: Because they’re coming right at us!

Taglines

Never give up, never surrender!
The show has been cancelled... but the adventure is just beginning.
A comedy of galactic proportions.

Cast

Tim Allen - Jason Nesmith/Commander Peter Quincy Taggart
Sigourney Weaver - Gwen DeMarco/Lt. Tawny Madison
Alan Rickman - Sir Alexander Dane/Dr. Lazarus
Tony Shalhoub - Fred Kwan/Tech Sergeant Chen
Daryl Mitchell - Tommy Webber/Lt. Laredo
Sam Rockwell - Guy Fleegman
Enrico Colantoni - Mathesar
Robin Sachs - General Sarris
Patrick Breen - Quellek
Jed Rees - Teb
Missi Pyle - Laliari/Jane Doe
Justin Long - Brandon Wheeger
Wayne Pére - Lathe

Quoternity