Hot Fuzz Quotations

Hot Fuzz is a 2007 film directed by Edgar Wright and written by Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright. The plot involves a London Metropolitan Police Officer who is relocated to a small village because of overachieving in his job. However, he soon finds that the village is not as quiet as its records suggest, and that something decidedly sinister is going on amongst the residents.
Big Cops. Small Town. Moderate Violence. (taglines)

Nicholas Angel

[echoing line from Shaun Of The Dead] What's the matter Danny? Never taken a shortcut before?
This shit just got real!
[seeing Danny's film collection] By the power of Greyskull...
[after watching Point Break] I won't argue that it was a no-holds-barred adrenaline fuelled thrill-ride, but there's no way that you could perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.
(whilst chasing Frank Butterman) PUNCH-THAT-SHIT!

[after the village doctor is accidently shot in the foot] You're a doctor. Deal with it.

Sergeant Butterman, the little hand says it's time to rock and roll.

[after stopping Danny's swan call] That's just going to scare it.

[after walking into Stanford with a ton of weapons and ammo on him] Morning.

Idea!

Danny Butterman

Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone "ahhrgh"?
[seeing the vast collection of guns] By the power of Greyskull!
[discussing why a person would wear a hat to cover his face] He's fuck-ugly.
[while Nicholas is chasing a shoplifter through the supermarket, Danny is reading the taglines of the cheap action films in the half-price bin] Supercop. Meet the cop that can't be stopped.
Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that, if you shoot it, it will blow up?
You're off the fuckin' chain!
[cue to hit the sirens and rev the engine] Bring the noise!

Simon Skinner

I'm a slasher, and I must be stopped!
I'm sure if we bashed your head in, all sorts of secrets would come tumbling out...
Absolute tosh, wasn't it? It's annoying that the understudies are actually professional actors. Greg over there was an extra in Straw Dogs and Sheri portrayed a cadaver in Prime Suspect.
My, my. Here come the Fuzz.
[taking a ginger-haired boy hostage] Stay back! Or the ginger-nut gets it! [the child bites Skinner's hand and runs away] Ow! You little FUCKER!
[after tripping and impaling his chin on the spire of a model church] Ooooow...Thith...really...hurtth.... I'm...going...to need thome...ithe... creeeeeam....

Others

Narrator: Police Constable Nicholas Angel: born, schooled in London. Graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training and displayed great aptitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical coursework and final year examinations. Received the Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving and advanced cycling. Became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day holds the Met record for the hundred meter dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendations, achieved highest arrest record for any officer in the Met and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.
Joyce Cooper: I hope you had a pleasant trip-- fascist!
Reverend Phillip Shooter: Fuck off, grasshopper!
[after being shot] Jesus Christ!
Sgt. Tony Fisher: [upon being presented with an obvious murder scene] So... you're saying this wasn't an accident?
DC Andy Cartwright: You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off up the model village!
DS Andy Wainwright: Murder, murder, murder. Change the fuckin' record!
Sgt. Turner: [after Angel has arrested three underage drinkers] You don't really wanna process all this lot do you? My pen's runnin' out.
DC Andy Wainwright: [after a bottle of bolognaise explodes in his face] It's alright, Andy! It's just bolognaise!
Michael Armstrong AKA Lurch: Yarp.
Sgt. Turner: Oh, Sgt. Angel, someone from London called for you. [Angel turns to face him, he is literally covered in firearms all over his black suit, he has a tooth pick in his mouth] I'll...I'll tell him you'll ring him back.

Dialogue

Met Sergeant: Hello, Nicholas.

Nicholas Angel: Hello, Sergeant.

Met Sergeant: How's the hand?

Nicholas Angel: Still a bit stiff.

Met Sergeant: It can get awfully hairy out there. I'm surprised you weren't snapped up sooner for a nice desk job, that's what I did.

Nicholas Angel: I like to think my office is out on the street.

Met Sergeant: Indeed you do. Your arrest record is 400% higher than any other officer, which is high time such...skills were put to better use. We're making you Sergeant.

Nicholas Angel: (grinning slightly) I see.

Met Sergeant: (quickly and quietly) In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

Nicholas Angel: What?

Met Sergeant: In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

Nicholas Angel: But that's... in the country?

Met Sergeant: Yes! Lovely.

Nicholas Angel: Isn't there a Sergeant's position here in London?

Met Sergeant: No.

Nicholas Angel: Can I remain here as a PC?

Met Sergeant: No.

Nicholas Angel: Do I have any choice in this?

Met Sergeant: No!

Nicholas Angel: Sergeant, I kinda like it here.

Met Sergeant: Well, you've always wanted a transfer to the country.

Nicholas Angel: In twenty years or so, yes.

Met Sergeant: Well done you.

Chief Inspector: I know what you're going to say, Nicholas, but the fact is you've been making us all look bad.

Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry, sir?

Chief Inspector: Of course, we all appreciate your efforts, but you've been rather letting the side down.

Met Inspector: It's all about being a team player, Nicholas.

Met Sergeant: You can't be the Sheriff of London.

Chief Inspector: If we let you carry on running around town, you'll continue to be exceptional... and we can't have that. You'll put us all out of a job.

Nicholas Angel: With respect, sir, you can't just make people disappear.

Chief Inspector: Yyyes I can, I'm the Chief Inspector [Curls lip, menacingly]

Nicholas Angel: Well, however you spin this, there's one thing you haven't taken into account... and that's what the team is gonna make of this!

[Nicholas gets up and storms out, only to see all of his colleagues happily standing underneath a banner reading 'Good Luck Nicholas']

[on Angel's first night in the Crown pub, he spies many underage drinkers and, even though he is not an official member of the Sandford police force until the next morning, he is spurred into action]

Nicholas Angel: Excuse me. When's your birthday?

Underage Drinker: [confidently] 22nd of February.

Nicholas Angel: What year?

Underage Drinker: Every year.

Nicholas Angel: Get out.

[Nicholas approaches a new target]

Nicholas Angel: YOU! When's your birthday?

Underage Drinker: Uh... 8th of May, 1969?

Nicholas Angel: You're 37?

Underage Drinker: Yeah.

Nicholas Angel: Get out.

[he approaches a swotty drinker with glasses]

Nicholas Angel: When's your birthday?

Underage Drinker: [panicking] Errr--

Nicholas Angel: OUT!

[after Angel has arrested three underage drinkers and a drunk driver]

Sgt. Turner: 'Sergeant Nicholas Angel'. When did you start?

Nicholas Angel: Tomorrow.

Sgt. Turner: I see you've already arrested the whole village.

Simon Skinner: Lock me up.

Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry?

Simon Skinner: I'm a slasher, and I must be stopped.

Nicholas Angel: You're a what?

Simon Skinner: A slasher... of prices! Ha ha ha, just kidding! I'm Simon Skinner, and I run the local Supermarché. Stop in and see me some time. My discounts are criminal! Catch me later!

[Nicholas enters the police station and faces who he thinks to be Sgt. Turner; it is a different officer]

Nicholas: Morning...sergeant? [the officer looks at him and starts writing some more] Would you tell the inspector I've arrived please?

Officer: No.

Nicholas: ...Why?

Officer: He's not in yet.

Nicholas: And how's our guest?

Officer: Who?

Nicholas: The inebriate in cell 4.

Officer: I dunno, nobody tells me nothin'.

[encountering Danny Butterman, who Nicholas previously arrested for drunk driving, in uniform for the first time]

Nicholas Angel: Why are you dressed as a police officer?

Danny Butterman: Because I am one?

Inspector Frank Butterman: Your predecessor assumed rural policing was easy. Ended up having a nervous breakdown, and Sergeant Popwell was an exceptional officer. Truly exceptional. But he had one thing you haven't got.

Nicholas Angel: What's that, sir?

Inspector Frank Butterman: [jovially] A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD!

[after Nicholas has been shown around the police station]

Frank Butterman: Well, that's just about everything. Unless there's anything you're unclear about?

Nicholas Angel: Yes, sir, why is everyone eating chocolate cake?

Frank Butterman: The Black Forest gateau is on Danny as punishment for his little indiscretion.

Nicholas Angel: Sir, I don't think driving under the influence can be called 'a little indiscretion.'

Frank Butterman: No, the gateau is for misplacing his helmet last week. Last night's incident will require something rather more serious.

Nicholas Angel: Good.

Frank Butterman: Do you like ice cream?

Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry sir, I don't follow.

Frank Butterman: Let's just say we won't be short of Chunky Monkey for the next month!

Danny Butterman: Dad!

Frank Butterman: Now, since it's your first day and it's half past eleven, I'd say that's lunch.

Nicholas Angel: I didn't mean to upset the apple cart.

DS Andy Cartwright: [sarcastic] Yeah, cause we all sell apples round here, don't we?

Danny Butterman: Your dad sells apples, Andy.

DC Andy Cartwright: And raspberries.

DS Andy Wainwright: I bet you can't wait to jump into Sergeant Popwell's grave.

Nicholas Angel: I'm not jumping into anyone's grave.

[DC Andy Wainwright drinks some of his beer, leaving a white trail over his large mostache]

Nicholas Angel: You've got a moustache.

DC Andy Wainwright: I know.

Danny Butterman: Have you seen a lot of action, Sergeant Angel?

Nicholas Angel: I've experienced my fair share, yes.

Danny Butterman: You cook any fools?

Nicholas Angels: What?

Danny Butterman: Did you shoot anyone?

DS Andy Wainwright: He shot a crackhead with a Kalashnikov.

Danny Butterman: [impressed] Cor, where'd you get that?

Nicholas Angel: The offender had the Kalashnikov.

Danny Butterman: [impressed] Cor, where'd he get that?

Danny Butterman: What was it like bein' stabbed?

Nicholas Angel: It was the single most painful experience of my life.

Danny Butterman: What was the second most painful?

DC Andy Cartwright: Everybody and their mums is packin' round here.

Nicholas Angel: Like who?

DS Andy Wainwright: Farmers.

Nicholas Angel: Who else?

DC Andy Cartwright: Farmers' mums.

Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?

Nicholas Angel: No.

Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?

Nicholas Angel: No.

Danny Butterman: Have you ever been involved in a high speed car chase?

Nicholas Angel: Yes I have.

Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed car chase?

Nicholas Angel: No!

[whilst giving a presentation to a gathering of school children]

Nicholas Angel: Police work is as much about preventing crime as it is about fighting crime. Most importantly it is about procedural correctness in the exercising of unquestionable moral authority. Any questions?

[Danny puts up his hand]

Nicholas Angel: [sotto] Yes?

Danny Butterman: Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that if you shoot it, it will blow up?

[Angel gives Danny a filthy look]

Peter Ian Staker: [on the phone, politely] Morning, the swan's escaped.

Nicholas Angel: [looking around the office, certain it is a prank] The swan's escaped. Right, and where has the swan escaped from, exactly?

Peter Ian Staker: The castle.

Nicholas Angel: Oh yeah, and who might you be?

Peter Ian Staker: Mr. Staker. Mr. Peter Ian Staker.

Nicholas Angel: [annoyed] PI Staker? Right, PISSTAKER! COME ON!!

[cut to Angel, standing outside the castle in front of Peter Ian Staker]

Nicholas Angel: Yes Mr. Staker, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it?

Peter Ian Staker: It's about two-feet tall, long slender neck, kinda orange and black bill...

Nicholas Angel: Anything else?

Peter Ian Staker: Well... it's a swan.

[watching an elderly man in a large, thick coat pass by]

Nicholas Angel: What about this guy?

Danny Butterman: [surprised] Mr. Treacher?

Nicholas Angel: Yeah, why has he got that big coat on? He can't be cold, why the extra layer? Maybe he's trying to hide something.

Danny Butterman: (incredulously) Mr. Treacher?

[Nicholas turns his attention to a young man in a purple track suite, who's cap is pulled down over the top of his face]

Nicholas Angel: Okay, what about this guy? Why has he got his hat pulled down like that?

Danny Butterman: He's fuck-ugly.

Nicholas Angel: Or he doesn't want you to see his face.

Danny Butterman: BECAUSE he's fuck-ugly.

Nicholas Angel: [turning his attention to yet another suspicious character, this time a tall, muscular brute] What's his story?

Danny Butterman: Oh, that's Lurch.

Nicholas Angel: Go on.

Danny Butterman: He's a trolley boy at the local supermarket.

Nicholas Angel: Uh-huh.

Danny Butterman: Real name Michael Armstrong.

Nicholas Angel: Mmm-hmm.

Danny Butterman: Dad says he's got a child's mind.

Nicholas Angel: Okay.

Danny Butterman: He lives up Summer Street with his mum and his sister.

Nicholas Angel: And are they as big as he is?

Danny Butterman: Who?

Nicholas Angel: The mum and the sister?

Danny Butterman: Same person.

[Discussing Point Break]

Danny Butterman: Have you ever seen Point Break?

Nicholas Angel: No.

Danny Butterman: Amazing bit in Point Break where they jump over fences.

Nicholas Angel: Is there now.

Danny Butterman: Patrick Swayze has just robbed this bank, and Keanu Reeves is chasin' him through peoples' gardens, and then he goes to shoot Swayze but he can't because he loves him so much and he's firin' his gun up in the air and he's like 'ahhh!'

Nicholas Angel: Yep.

Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'?

Nicholas Angel: No, I have not ever fired my gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh.'

Tim Messenger: Sergeant Angel, Hi hi. Quick word for the Sandford Citizen?

Nicholas Angel: Uh, it was very enjoyable.

Tim Messenger: 'Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers'?

Nicholas Angel: I don't think so.

Tim Messenger: 'Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up to Teen Suicide'?

Nicholas Angel: That's just grossly inappropriate.

[Nicholas and Danny have just chased down a speeding vehicle. Nicholas confronts the driver, Martin Blower and his partner Eve Draper]

Martin Blower: Was I going a tad fast, officer?

Nicholas Angel: [reading his license] Yes you were Mister... Blower.

Martin Blower: Well now you see, we are staging a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and we're a little late for the dress rehersal. I'm playing the eponymous hero. Romeo, not Juliet.

[he sees that Nicholas is copying down everything that he is saying on his notepad]

Martin Blower: What are you writing?

Nicholas Angel: Everything you're saying, I might need to refer to it later.

Martin Blower: Now officer, I am a respected solicitor so there's no need to-- just stop writing now. Look, I am merely trying to explain why I might have exeeded the speed limit.

Nicholas Angel: [reading from his notepad] You're playing the male lead in a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and you're late for the dress rehersal. Do you think this is a good enough reason to travel at 48 in a 30 zone?

Martin Blower: But I--

Nicholas Angel: To flout speed limits specifically put in place to save lives?

Martin Blower: Oh, now this is preposterous!

Nicholas Angel: [writing] 'Preposterous.'

Martin Blower: [exasperated] Just stop WRITING!

Nicholas Angel: 'Stop writing.'

Sergeant Tony Fisher: Must have hit the sign at some speed. Took the whole top off.

PC Doris Thatcher: I've had my top off in this lay-by. Ha ha!

PC Bob Walker: Tits.

Sergeant Tony Fisher: Most likely lost control here, left the road there, and ended up... here.

[Nicholas has chased down the young man in the purple track suit, named Peter Cocker, who has stolen some cookies]

Nicholas Angel: You do not have to say anything, however it may harm your defence if you fail to mention when questioned something you later rely on in court. Anything you do say can be given in evidence.

[Danny finally catches up to them]

Peter Cocker: Hi Danny.

Danny Butterman: [gasping] Hi Pete.

Nicholas Angel: Do you know this man?

Danny Butterman: Yeah, he's Auntie Jackie's sister's brother's boy.

Nicholas Angel: And it didn't occur to you to mention this before?

Danny Butterman: Couldn't see his face, could I? Not made of eyes!

[after arresting Peter Cocker for shoplifting, he takes him back to the station]

Sergeant Tony Fisher: Impressive Collar. Shame Mr. Skinner doesn't wanna press charges.

Nicholas Angel: What do you mean, he doesn't wanna press charges?

Simon Skinner: [suddenly appears and starts offering the cookies that Peter stole to the police staff] I'm simply suggesting that young Peter be given a second chance, before he becomes just another crime statistic. I'm sure he's going to learn a valuable lesson.

Sergeant Tony Fisher: Stealing biscuits is... wrong?

Simon Skinner: [offering him a cookie] Correct.

Sergeant Tony Fisher: [eagerly] Oh, thanks!

Nicholas Angel: And yet we respond by not taking a single punitive measure?

Simon Skinner: [smiling with ill-concealed sarcasm] Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Sergeant Tony Fisher: [chuckles childishly whilst scoffing a cookie] It's like the biscuits, isn't it? [chuckles]

Nicholas Angel: Mr. Skinner--

Frank Butterman: Is everything all right?

Nicholas Angel: Well sir, Mr. Skinner feels that it would be better not to prosecute an individual who has committed a blatant offence.

Frank Butterman: [whilst eating dessert] Leave this with me. I'll make sure everyone gets their just desserts.

Music Cue: Oh no!

Danny Butterman: What made you wanna be a policeman?

Nicholas Angel: [correcting him] Officer.

Danny Butterman: What made you wanna be a policeman-officer?

Nicholas Angel: I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer, except in the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek; he was a sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode round in it every second I was awake, arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young but, it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.

Danny Butterman: Sounds like a good bloke.

Nicholas Angel: Actually he was arrested for selling drugs to students.

Danny Butterman: What a cunt.

Nicholas Angel: Probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never forgot the sense of right and wrong I learned behind the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prove to myself that the law was proper, and righteous, and for the good of human kind.

Danny Butterman: Shame.

Nicholas Angel: How so?

Danny Butterman: I think you'd have made a great Muppet.

Nicholas Angel: [Angel puts some coins in the swear box] LESLIE TILLER WAS FUCKING MURDERED!

DC Andy Cartwright: What, just like Tim Messenger?

Nicholas Angel: Yes!

DS Andy Wainwright: George Merchant?

Nicholas Angel: Yes!

DC Andy Cartwright: Eve Draper?

Nicholas Angel: Yes!

DS Andy Wainwright: Martin Blower?

Nicholas Angel: No, actually.

DS Andy Wainwright and DC Andy Cartwright: Really?

Nicholas Angel: Course he fucking was! [Danny puts money in the swear box] Thank you Danny!

DC Andy Cartwright: Murder, murder, murder. Change the fuckin' record! [DS Wainwright puts money in the swear box] Thank you Andy.

Sergeant Tony Fisher: Come on Sergeant, you've gotta accept that it was just another nasty accident.

Nicholas Angel: What are you suggesting?! That Leslie Tiller tripped and fell on her own shears?

Seargent Tony Fisher: Ben Fletcher fell on his pitchfork the other week.

PC Doris Thatcher: Yeah, accidents happen all the time. What makes you think it was MURDER?

Nicholas Angel: BECAUSE I WAS THERE!!!

DS Andy Wainwright: There's a point. Why were you there?

Nicholas Angel: I was buying... Constable Butterman a Japanese peace lily for his birthday.

DC Andy Cartwright: What absolute 'orseshit!

Nicholas Angel: I chased a suspect from the scene! Innocent people don't run!

Seargent Tony Fisher: Maybe it was our ol' friend the Cactus Theif?

PC Doris Thatcher: Oh yeah, he was a prickly customer, weren't he? Ha ha!

Nicholas Angel: AM I GOING COMPLETELY MAD?!

DC Andy Cartwright: [Robert De Niro impression] Maybe you are. Maybe you did it.

DS Andy Wainwright: Seeing how you're such a big fan of murder!

Nicholas Angel: WHAT THE F--

Frank Butterman: Sergeant Angel?

Nicholas Angel: YES!? [calms down] Sir?

[preparing to watch an action movie]

Danny Butterman: Which one, Point Break or Bad Boys II?

Nicholas Angel: Which one do you think I'll prefer?

Danny Butterman: No, I mean which one do you want to watch first?

Nicholas Angel: You are pulling my leg.

Dr. Robin Hatcher: I told him several times that you shouldn't eat late at night.

PC Doris Thatcher: I don't know. Quite like a little midnight gobble. Ha ha!

PC Bob Walker: Cocks.

Danny Butterman: Do you really think this is murder?

Nicholas Angel: I just don't think we should rule it out, that's all.

PC Bob Walker: [walking past them with Saxon the police dog] I think you're talkin' a load of ol' shit.

Danny Butterman: He thinks you're talkin' a load of of shit.

DC Andy Cartwright: We're just hoping to talk to the last people to see Mr. Merchant alive. Namely a Sergeant Knicker-less Ass-wipe and Cunt-stable Fanny Butterbum.

Danny Butterman: [smiling] Hey, that's us!

[after Danny accidentally shoots Doctor Hatcher on his rifle range at the church fete]

Danny Butterman: I can't believe I shot someone.

Nicholas Angel: He's a doctor, he can deal with it.

Danny Butterman: I've never shot anyone before.

Nicholas Angel: Believe me Danny, it's not something you ever get used to.

Danny Butterman: Yeah. Maybe we should go on the bouncy castle to take our minds off it.

Leslie Tiller: You know that feller who blew up?

Nicholas Angel: George Merchant?

Leslie Tiller: Well, George Merchant- God rest him- wanted to buy this land, so he sent round his legal fella, Martin Blower- God rest him. I thought I might take them up on it, as I haven't really got much family round here, save my cousin Sissy, so I thought I might take them up on the offer and move to Buford Abbey. Would you like a card with this?

Nicholas Angel: No, sorry, you were talking about the offer?

Leslie Tiller: Well, it turns out that Martin Blower- God rest him- knew where the new bypass road was going, because he was knocking off Eve Draper from the council- God rest her. And then that reporter- God rest him- finds out about the route and tells me this land is very valuable, ten times what George Merchant and Martin Blower- God rest them- offered me. So with them up and passed on, I decided to sell it on myself to some folks from the city that Martin, George and Eve- God rest them- had all been talking to. Apparently they want to build a big shopping center or something. Course, cousin Sissy won't be too happy about that but, as far as I am concerned, cousin Sissy can go and fu--

Nicholas Angel: Would you excuse me for just one second?

Joyce Cooper: [appears from behind a car during the climatic shootout, moments before firing a machine gun at Angel] FASCIST!

Nicholas Angel: [after defeating her] HAG.

Danny Butterman: Want anything from the shop?

Nicholas Angel: You've just been to the shop.

Danny Butterman: Thinkin' of a different shop.

Simon Skinner: [over the walkie talkie] Michael? Michael! Are you there? Michael! Is everything okay?

Nicholas Angel: [immitating Lurch] Yarp.

Simon Skinner: Sergeant Angel's been taken care of?

Nicholas Angel: Yarp.

Simon Skinner: He's not gonna get back up again?

Nicholas Angel: [nervously] Narp?

Simon Skinner: [brief pause] Good.

Simon Skinner: You see, much as I enjoyed your wild theories Sergeant, the truth is far less complex. Blower's fate was simply the result of his being... an appalling actor.

NWA Members: [echoing in agreement] Appalling...

Nicholas Angel: You murdered him for that?

Simon Skinner: He murdered Bill Shakespeare.

Nicholas Angel: What? Oh.

Annette Roper: Martin Blower was less concerned with the reputation of the village than he was with his sordid affair with Eve Draper!

Nicholas Angel: So Eve deserved to die too?

Dr. Robin Hatcher: Well, she did have a very annoying laugh.

NWA Members: [echoing in agreement] Annoying...

Nicholas Angel: George Merchant?

Simon Skinner: He had an awful house.

NWA Members: [echoing in agreement] Awful...

Nicholas Angel: How can this be for the greater good?

NWA Members: [echoing] The greater good...

Nicholas Angel: SHUT IT! These people died for no reason! No reason whatsoever!

Inspector Frank Butterman: I wouldn't say that. [Nicholas turns and is shocked] Hello Nicholas. I was like you once. I believed in the immutable word of the law. That is until the night Mrs. Butterman was taken from me. You see, no one loved Sandford more than her. She was head of the Women's Institute, chair of the Floral Committee. When they started the Village of the Year Contest, she worked around the clock. I'd never seen such dedication. But on the eve of the adjudicator's arrival, some travelers moved into Calahoo Park, and before you could say gypsy scum we were knee deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers.

NWA Members: [echoing in agreement] Crusty jugglers...

Inspector Frank Butterman: We lost the title, and Irene lost her mind. She drove her Datsun Cherry into Sandford Gorge... and from that moment on, I swore that I would do her proud and whatever the cost, we would make Sandford great again.

Nicholas Angel: Sir, this doesn't make any sense.

Inspector Frank Butterman: The adjudicators arrive tomorrow. We had to get everything ready.

Nicholas Angel: [disgusted] Are you saying this is all about winning the Best Village award?

Inspector Frank Butterman: This is the Best Village, Nicholas. You've seen the people. They're happy. Contented.

Nicholas Angel: They're living in a dream world!

Inspector Frank Butterman: Sergeant Popwell thought much the same as you. I'm disappointed you can't see the bigger picture.

Nicholas Angel: Well I'm happy to disappoint you, sir! You're going to have to come with me, you are all going to have to come with me.

Inspector Frank Butterman: No Nicholas, I'm afraid it is you who is going to have to come with us...

Danny: [opening up his trunk to and revealing the ketchup pouch to Nicholas] Ta-daa...

Nicholas: Danny, what are you doing?!

Danny: Saving your skin!

Nicholas: Danny, this is murder!

Danny: It's not murder, it's ketchup!

Nicholas: It's Frank! He's appointed himself judge, jury, and executioner!

Danny: [defensive] He is not Judge Judy and executioner!

[shortly after returning to Sandford after faking his own death and tying up Farmer Brannigan and his mother]

James Reaper: What are you going to do? Just walk in and arrest the whole village?!

Nicholas Angel: Not exactly.

Reverend Phillip Shooter: Stop! Stop this, please! Let us stop this mindless violence! Nicholas my son, you may not be a man of God, but surely you are a man of peace.

Nicholas Angel: I may not be a man of god, Reverend, but I know right, and I know wrong, and I have the good grace to know which is which.

Reverend Phillip Shooter: Oh... fuck off, grasshopper! [produces two deringers from his robe sleeves and shoots Nicholas]

Danny Butterman: NO! [shoots the Reverend in the shoulder]

Reverend Phillip Shooter: AAAH! Jesus Christ!

Danny Butterman: NICHOLAS! [Nicholas looks up at him] I thought you was a goner.

Dr. Hatcher: DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

Danny Butterman: Doctor Hatcher, no!

Dr. Hatcher: Shut up, Danny! I brought you into this world, I think its rather fitting that I should be the one to take you out of it. Now... drop 'em.

[Danny throws his shotgun to the ground and it fires, blowing off Hatcher's toes on his right foot] OWWW!!!

Nicholas Angel: You're a doctor. Deal with it.

Danny Butterman: Yeah, motherfucker.

Nicholas Angel: Danny, let's roll.

Danny Butterman: What you thinking?

Nicholas Angel: Pub?

Danny Butterman: How's Lurch?

Nicholas Angel: He's in the freezer.

Danny Butterman: Did you say 'cool off'?

Nicholas Angel: No, I didn't say anything actually.

Danny Butterman: Shame.

Nicholas Angel: There was a bit earlier that you missed when I distracted him with a cuddly monkey, then I said 'playtime's over' and I hit him with the Peace Lily.

Danny Butterman: You're off the fuckin' chain!

[attempting an assault on the supermarket meat counter, with the attendents throwing knives at them]

Nicholas Angel: What's the situation?

DC Andy Cartwright: Two blokes and a fuckload of cutlery!

DC Andy Cartwright: Angel! Don't you go being a twat now!

Nicholas Angel: [grinning] I wouldn't give you the satisfaction!

Danny Butterman: I'll drive!

Nicholas Angel: SHOTGUN! PUNCH...THAT...SHIT!!!

Simon Skinner: [Punching Angel with each word] GET...OUT...OF MY...VILLAGE!!!

Nicholas Angel: [Grabs Skinner's fist] IT'S NOT YOUR VILLAGE ANYMORE!!! [Uppercuts him into a model building]

Skinner: It's all for the greater good.

NWA Members: [echoing in agreement] The greater good...

Nicholas: The greater good?

NWA Members: [echoing in agreement] The greater good...

Taglines

Big Cops. Small Town. Moderate Violence.
They're bad boys. They're die hards. They're lethal weapons. They're the Fuzz.
Bring the noise.
They're gonna bust your arse.

Cast

— Sergeant Nicholas Angel — PC Danny Butterman — Simon Skinner — Inspector Frank Butterman — Chief Inspector Kenneth

Quoternity