I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue Quotations

I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (BBC Radio 4, 11 April 1972- ) is a British radio comedy programme which describes itself as "the antidote to panel games".

Hosted by Humphrey Lyttelton, and originally played by Barry Cryer, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden, WIllie Rushton, a range of guests has performed on the programme's panel since it began. The programme is known for its ridiculous rounds and games, such as Mornington Crescent and Word Disassociation played completely for laughs by the panellists who, to the untrained eye, might appear at first to be playing for points. Wordplay and innuendo are a large part of the show's humour.

All quotes are by Humphrey Lyttelton unless otherwise stated.

The Ten Commandments

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun: Ten Things You Never Knew You Shouldn't Do"
Barry Cryer: "Melody Maker: Stones Make Comeback"
Graeme Garden: "Express Sport: Moses Names Ten for Sunday"
Willie Rushton: "New Musical Express: 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' drops to Number 8"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Graven Image Manufacturers Protest At New Guidelines"
Willie Rushton: "The Star: Kylie Minogue is Star Bird - 'Covet Neighbours Ass'"

Joan of Arc burns at the stake

Willie Rushton: "Le Figaro: French Government Spokesman says "Smoking Can Seriously Damage Your Health""
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Mail: "English Hooligans Burnt My Daughter" says Mrs. Arc"
Graeme Garden: "The Star: Phew! What a Scorcher!"
Barry Cryer: "Green News: Woodburning French Threat To Ozone Layer"
Willie Rushton: "The Cricketer: England Win Ashes"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun: French Filly Flambé (translation on page 8)"

The Gunpowder Plot

Barry Cryer: "Daily Mail: Government Knives Out For Fawkes"
Willie Rushton: "Financial Times: Boom Fails To Materialise"
Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Fuse! What A Scorcher!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Guardian: Remember, Remember, The Fourth Of November"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Star: Guy Fawkes It Up"
Willie Rushton: "The Sun: Freddie Starr Ate My Banger"
Graeme Garden: "Exchange & Mart: Will Swap 8 Barrels Of Gunpowder For 1 Asbestos Suit"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: Spiritualist's Weekly: Now There'll Be Fireworks!"

The Creation

Graeme Garden: "The Telegraph: Universe Manufacturer Goes Out Of Business After 6 Days"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Lancet: BMA Warn Rib Transplants Can Cause Lumps On Chest"
Barry Cryer: "Daily Star: "I'm Over The Moon", Says God"
Graeme Garden: "Daily Mail: Snake Problem At Theme Park - Last Two Visitors Forced To Leave"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Nothing Happened Yesterday"
Willie Rushton: "Irish Times: Genesis Good For You"
Graeme Garden: "News of the World: Spot The Apple and Win A Skoda"

The unfortunate demise of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

Barry Cryer: "Dog Breeder's Gazette: Great Dane puts self down!"
Willie Rushton: "The Times: Blair says whittling-down of royal family a success"
Graeme Garden: "The Stage: Touring players unexpectedly available for panto"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Express: Reprint of Ophelia's Panorama interview in full, where she says a surfeit of lampreys was just a cry for help"
Graeme Garden: "The Guardian: Yesterday's headline 'Laughter at Elsinore' should have read 'Slaughter at Erinsbrough'"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun tells the Prince: Just Be!"
Graeme Garden: "The Telegraph: Danish Bloodbath - No Britons Hurt"

Macbeth

Barry Cryer: "Gay News: Macbeth Outed - Admits laying on MacDuff"
Willie Rushton: "The Guardian: Borehamwood seen approaching Dungeness"
Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Phew! What a Scotsman!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Scotsman: Och! Eye of Newt!"
Willie Rushton: "Glasgow Herald: Pioneering test-tube baby kills King"
Graeme Garden: "Woman's Own: Delia's recipe for Duncan Doughnuts"
Graeme Garden: "London Evening Standard: Tube Strike Off"

The Assassination of Julius Caesar

Barry Cryer: "The Sun: Brutus Splashed it All Over"
Willie Rushton: "Daily Mirror: Julius Caesar is Ides Victim"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Sunday Sport: Brutus Ate Two Hamsters!"
Graeme Garden: "Lancashire Evening Post: Mark Antony Comes to Bury"
Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Yesterday's headline should have read 'Caesar Slayed' not 'Caesar Salad'"
Willie Rushton: "Daily Telegraph: New Caesar, New Danger"
Barry Cryer: "Rome Standard: Omnia Caesar in Tres Partes Divisa Est"
Graeme Garden: "Daily Star: Yon Cassius has a Lean & Hungry Look...is it Bulimia?"
Graeme Garden: "Tailor & Cutter: Sketchleys opens new branch in Rome"

The Death of Samson

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Samson Obituary, 2 Columns, Page 8"
Willie Rushton: "New Musical Express: Oh, Oh, Oh, Delilah!"
Graeme Garden: "The Guardian: Yesterday's feature headed 'Delias Hints on Kippers' should have read 'Delilahs Hints on Clippers'"
Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: In yesterday's report, Delilah's statement should have read 'I love cutting men's locks off'...not 'socks'"
Graeme Garden: "Daily Telegraph: Police chief says 'He was a accident waiting to happen'"

The Great Fire of London

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Telegraph: French Farmer's Protest Reaches London"
Stephen Fry: "The Scotsman: Tee hee hee"
Graeme Garden: "The Star: Phew! What A Scorcher!"
Barry Cryer: "Yorkshire Evening Post: Leeds Man Singed"
Stephen Fry: "The Guardian: London's Burping - Police Suspect Arse"
Graeme Garden: "And on page 8 of the Guardian, yesterday's headline "Paula, to be reconstructed by Christopher Wren", should have read "St Pauls, to be reconstructed by Christ knows when""
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Financial Times: Capital Goes Up"
Graeme Garden: "The People: Phew! What A Scorcher!"
Stephen Fry: "Insurance Weekly: Oh Bugger"
Barry Cryer: "The Lancet: Plague Cure A Success"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Mirror: Thames Water Chief Justifies Bonus At Last"
Barry Cryer: "The Sport: Elvis Seen In Pudding Lane"
Graeme Garden: "The News of the World: Phew! What A Scorcher!"

William Caxton invents the Printing Press

Stephen Fry: "The Guardian: Newt Technolody Spills End To Mispronts"
Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Caxton Shows Off New Dress"
Graeme Garden: "Ye Mirror: Monks Down Quills in Protest"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Publisher's Weekly: 'Fly Fishing' by J.R. Hartley made possible by good old middle ages"
Stephen Fry: "The Sun: Up Yours Gutenberg!"
Barry Cryer: "Software Weekly: Mouse On Press Gives Caxton New Idea"

Sir Walter Raleigh presents tobacco and potatoes at the court of Elizabeth I

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Monte Carlo Times: Rothmans to Sponsor Raleigh"
Barry Cryer: "The Sun: Goodbye Mr. Chips"
Fred MacAulay: "Financial Times: Chancellor admits he may have blundered with 'Tax on Potatoes' scheme"
Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Queen says 'Great Shag Walter'"
Barry Cryer: "OK! Magazine: Queen's Potato Goes Out - Exclusive Pictures"
Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Raleigh Helps Queen to Cross Poodle"
Graeme Garden: "Sunday Sport: Alien Spud Stole My Fags"

Oedipus Rex blinds himself after marrying his mother, Jocasta

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Independent: Oedipus Rex blinds himself after marrying his mother, Jocasta"
Graeme Garden: "The Express: 'I've Stopped Seeing Her', says Oedipus"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Mirror: Exclusive - Oedipus to become a Referee"
Graeme Garden: "Daily Mail: Oedipus Lights Potato by Mistake"

Senior Citizens

Barry Cryer: Oh, I see your glass is empty...do you mind if I put my teeth in?
Willie Rushton: I say baby, let's lock Zimmer frames and rattle till we drop!
Graeme Garden: Hello...Who am I??
Tim Brooke-Taylor: No, that's a war wound! Fancy a Horlicks?
Graeme Garden: How's your back?
Willie Rushton: Is that your colostomy bag, or are you just pleased to see me?
Barry Cryer: Your sheltered accommodation or mine?
Graeme Garden: I could take you to a hip joint!
Barry Cryer: I want to put my tongue in your ear - take your deaf-aid out!
Graeme Garden: I want to run my fingers through your hair, so pass it over.

Hospital

Graeme Garden: "Cough!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Nurse, I'm out of bed again!"
Barry Cryer: "Have you got any glasses? - I've found a bottle."
Stephen Fry: "Did anyone tell you you've got acute angina?"
Graeme Garden: "I hear you're looking for a fine specimen."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You've got the most beautiful new eyes."
Stephen Fry: "I must say I admire your guts - Will the doctor let you keep them?"
Barry Cryer: "Did the bowels move for you?"
Stephen Fry: "Oh gallstones! - I thought that was a pistachio nut, I'm sorry!"
Barry Cryer: "I can make a patient without disturbing the bed."
Stephen Fry: "Seeing you in those stirrups, I thought you were Michael Howard."
Graeme Garden: "I want you to have my babies...vaccinated."
Stephen Fry: "Is your leg up in plaster, or are you just pleased to see me?"

Motor Mechanics

Graeme Garden: "No, I wouldn't call that a big end."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Give me your chassis number, and if you're free next week, I'll book you in for a service."
Barry Cryer: "Is this a gear stick, or am I just pleased to see you?"
Jeremy Hardy: "I'll just roll you up onto the pavement and then we won't be in anybody's way."
Graeme Garden: "It'll cost you..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "What's a nice grill like you doing in a body like this?"
Graeme Garden: "I prefer a manual."
Barry Cryer: "Let's play petrol pumps...
Graeme Garden: "...and while we're at it, why don't we test for emissions?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You've just put the lead back in my petrol!"
Barry Cryer: "You've been turning this back, you little clock-teaser!"
Jeremy Hardy: "You can always expect a bit of rattling in one this age."
Barry Cryer: "Do you want to put it in first?"
Jeremy Hardy: "I'll give you a jump start and that should get you going in no time."
Jeremy Hardy: "This looks like a tow job to me."
Jeremy Hardy: "I'm going to have to get underneath."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'll be ready by Friday."
Jeremy Hardy: "You realise this thing is just an extension of my car..."

Ecclesiastical

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I say - now that's a habit I wouldn't mind getting into!"
Tony Hawks: "I can think of something I'd like you to alter, boy!"
Graeme Garden: "How would you like to be one of the lay sisterhood?"
Tony Hawks: "If anyone can, the canon can."
Graeme Garden: "You'll find that I move in mysterious ways."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Please kneel... and while you're kneeling..."
Graeme Garden: "I've got a jacuzzi font!"
Tony Hawks: "When you've done pulling the bells..."
Barry Cryer: "You stay here and I'll go and change - my vests are in the pantry, and my pants are in the vestry!"
Tony Hawks: "Good Friday? I'll make it even better!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Right, get your habit, you've pulled!"

World War II

Stephen Fry: "All POW's are welcome to share my tunnel."
Barry Cryer: "Hello, I'm from the disposal squad. Does my bomb look big in this?"
Graeme Garden: "Put that light out!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's alright - I said V.E."
Stephen Fry: "Those Fokkers have given me an idea..."
Graeme Garden: "I've been trained how to handle bazookas."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I think we should both take off our gasmasks first... Oh, you already have!"
Stephen Fry: "You don't know what a dishonourable discharge is? Well, let me enlighten you."
Barry Cryer: "We could lie down on that..." "A sandbag?!"
Graeme Garden: "They say we should all pull together."
Stephen Fry: "Stop, or I'll shoot!"
Graeme Garden: "I'm going in..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is that a spike on your helmet, or are you just pleased to see me?"
Graeme Garden: "It's called a siren suit, because everyone who sees it goes oooowwwwwwwwww!"

Gardener's

Phill Jupitus: "Don't worry, it'll grow!"
Graeme Garden: "Hiya, Cynth!"
Graeme Garden: "'Allo Vera!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Do you think it's better in a bed, or up against the wall?"
Barry Cryer: "Put your wellies on, you've pulled!"
Phill Jupitus: "Could you help me find the clematis?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I suppose a fork's out of the question?"
Graeme Garden: "Come and see the potting shed, it's where I prick out then harden off."

Doctor's Ball

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Ireland, Dermot Ologist, Mike Rosurgery, Eamonn Thesicklist & Sean Parts."
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Sthetic, & their daughter, Anna Sthetic, & her aunty Septic."
Barry Cryer: "From Wales, Di Agnosis, Win Deetum & Morgan Transplant."
Willie Rushton: "From Scandinavia, it doesn't really matter where, Lars Toplast."
Graeme Garden: "And his pet hippo, Craticoath."
Barry Cryer: "Oh, there's Sue Positry - she's going up in the world!"
Graeme Garden: "Here's Reggie Strar & Des Infectant."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Dr. Watson nursing Holmes. What's the trouble Holmes? - Alimentary, my dear Watson."
Willie Rushton: "Here come the Appliances, & their son, Sir Jekyll."
Graeme Garden: "And his collie, Wobbles."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Don't leave the aspirins by the bird cage - the parrots eat 'em all!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Someone's just caught a streptomouse, in that trap you catch streptomice in. Give him mouse-to-mouse immediately."
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Umenema, & their son, Barry."
Graeme Garden: "Sir Osis-of-the-Liver, Sir Gerry Hours, & Prof. E. Lactic"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Roids, and their daughter, Emma, with their friend, farmer Giles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Zeensinthewaitingroom, & their ten-year-old, Maggie"
Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - with Dame Kiri Opodist, some Tunisian balancers...they're a sort of Affro dizzy act, & a canary that does impressions of a doctor...a chirpy-chirpy-GP-GP"

Vicar's Ball

Willie Rushton: "The Collar family, and their son, Doug"
Graeme Garden: "The Right Honourable Charles Ismay-Shepherd, & his father, the Lord Ismay-Shepherd"
Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - a parade of knickerless parsons. There are so many of them in a line, they'll get a queue rate. Luckily we have a rev counter!"
Barry Cryer: "Here's Spike Milligan in his Goon persona, representing smooth slip-on Y-fronts - Eccles Easy Elastical"
Willie Rushton: "Mr & Mrs Nod, and their son, Si"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Be Christian, and try not to laugh at the entrance of J-J-J-Justin Pediment"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A strange couple from the church - a beadle & an abbot - they've formed an unholy alliance to produce Beadles Abbot"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Meek, and their saintly son, blessed Arthur Meek"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Jenny Flect, Di O'Cese, and Ann Glicanchurch"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Ashun-of-the-Magi, and their son, Theodore Ashun-of-the-Magi"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Rendeth-Thelesson, and their son, Andy"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Ment, & their newt, Esther Ment"

Mortician's Ball

Barry Cryer: "A party from the Wild West - all the way from Dirge City - Hearse Cartright, Gene Mortuary, with Roy Rogers and his horse Triggermortis"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: From Wales - "Di the Death, who appears to be having a coffin fit"
Graeme Garden: From Scotland - "Lord Wreath"
Barry Cryer: "Also from Wales - that cheerful soul, Happy Taff, and his brother who's prone to laxatives, Senna Taff, with their friend Ed Stone"
Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - Tomb Jones singing The Last Vaults"
Barry Cryer: "Harry Secombe's gossiping in the corner - Oh! Bitch you 'Arry!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Scotland - a crazy stone carver - Mon, your mental mason! - he's just had to inter Flora"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Daddy & Mummy Fied"
Graeme Garden: "The Gee sisters, Ella and Ula - they've been laid to rest a few times"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Sweden, Lars Rights and Lars Post"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Stover, and their father, Pa Stover"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Vault, and their agricultural son, farmer Lee"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From the West Country, Eliza Body"
Graeme Garden: "An old soul known as Wi'am - he's looking rough - we call him the wreck Wi'am. He trims the grass in the cemetery - he's just crept into the crypt, cropped & crept out again!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Australia, the grave-faced Digger Pitt"
Barry Cryer: "Alec Douglas-Exhume"

Builder's Ball

Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Cottatiling, and their son, Terry Cottatiling"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Scleavage, and their daughter, Jean Scleavage"
Stephen Fry: "Mr & Mrs Wallcarpetting, and their son, Walter Wallcarpetting"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Backtofinishthejobonthursdayhonestguv, and their daughter, Isla"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennett-thatstwicetheestimate, and their son, Gordon Bennett-thatstwicetheestimate"
Stephen Fry: "Mr & Mrs Lottleaftoberepainted, and their son, Theo Lottleafttoberepainted"
Graeme Garden: "From Ireland, Brendan Beam and James Joist, and also Con Crete and Mick Ser..."
Barry Cryer: "And their friends Mr & Mrs O'Doors, and their son, Paddy O'Doors"
Stephen Fry: "It's high society entrance now, we welcome the noble group, it's Lady Foundationsfirst, Lord Watermess, filthy Prince Everywhere, Count Thecostlater & Baron Bankaccount"
Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time, introduced by Roy Hod - The Pointer Sisters, and a special item - Wagner's Damntheguttering"
Stephen Fry: "There's the Menders family - Rhoda Menders - she digs having her ass felt!
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Kingood, and their daughter, May Kingood"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Chanceofacupoftea, and their son, Henny"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Foursugarsinminelove, and their daughter, Olive Foursugarsinminelove"

Frenchman's Ball

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Alouetta, and their son, Jonty"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Fembargo, and their cousin, British Bea Fembargo"
Andy Hamilton: "From the French farming community, Madame Leadsintothecattletrough & Monsewer Leadsintothecattletrough"
Barry Cryer: "Jacques Delores and his mother, Mère Delores... what did Ma say? She's bored, oh!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs That-Holeinthegroundcantbeatoilet, and their daughter, Shirley"
Andy Hamilton: "Monsieur et Madame Theotherone, and their cynical son, Paul Theotherone"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr Sayezze and his llama - that's Llama Sayezze" (La Marseillaise)
Andy Hamilton: "Monsieur et Madame Isthesoundof-Aracingcar, and their son, Pierre Isthesoundof-Aracingcar"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Who is that hesitating in the doorway? It's Mr & Mrs Cordial's Aunt from France... come on T'Aunt Cordial"
Barry Cryer: "Oh no! Someone has switched round the signs on the Ladies and Gents - what a two loos low trick!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Alrightforaholidaybutyouwouldntwanttolivethere, and their son, Francis"

Scottish Ball

Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Strap, and their son, Hamish - Jock was held up"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Baxter, and their incontinent dog, the Baxters' Cocker - Leakie"
Fred MacAulay: "My friend Doris, and she's usually accompanied by someone from the medical profession, normally a large... oh no, it's just a wee Doc'n'Doris"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Verness, and their unpopular son, Iain - it seems that for some reason people loathe Iain"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Johnbrownandqueenvictoriadid, and their daughter, Bet"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Demicles, and their clarinet-playing, Hamilton 'Acker' Demicles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Dothatoryourdead, and their daughter, Donna Dothatoryourdead"
Graeme Garden: Mr & Mrs Midlothian, and their son, Arthur. Hello Arthur, Mother well?
Fred MacAulay: "Mr & Mrs O'Groats, and their daughter, Tracy"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennetthowmuchlongeristhiswomenscurlinggoingonfor, and their son, Gordon Bennetthowmuchlongeristhiswomenscurlinggoingonfor"
Fred MacAulay: "Delightful to see the Housemuirs, and their son, Stan... and the Sideacademys, and their son, Kelvin"

Fisherman's Ball

Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Kleinensinker, and their son, Hugh Kleinensinker"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Otts, and their daughter, Maggie, known to us all as Mag Otts"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Forcatchingshrimps, and their daughter, Annette"
Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Codfingers, and their young son, Chris P. Codfingers"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bigguns-Lately, and their son, Courtney Bigguns-Lately"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Atthesizeofthisone, and their son Luke"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Twiteshark, and their son, Gray Twiteshark"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Noah with a big boat load of carp - he's the carp ark attendant"
Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Mer, and their daughter, Freda"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Triceel, and their son, Alec Triceel"
Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Tine, and their exceptionally tall son, long Gus"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennettlookatthesizeofthatcrab, and their son, Gordon Bennettlookatthesizeofthatcrab"
Barry Cryer: "All the proceeds from tonight's ball are going to a refuge for battered fish"

Ornithologists

Barry Cryer: "The Outlaw Josey Quails"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "9½ Beaks"
Willie Rushton: "The Forbidden Gannet"
Willie Rushton: "All Quiet on the Crested Grebe"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dan Quail in Cuckoo's Talking"
Graeme Garden: "Sean Canary in Licensed to Trill"
Graeme Garden: "Back to the Vulture"
Barry Cryer: "There's a Gull in my Soup"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A Tern of the Screw"
Willie Rushton: "The Maltese Ptarmigan"
Graeme Garden: "Duck Tracy"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Moby Tit"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Waders of the Lost Ark"
Graeme Garden: "The Sound of Emu Sick"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Cole Porter's Anything Goose"
Willie Rushton: "The Merry Widgeon"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Pied Wagtails of the Unexpected"
Barry Cryer: "Steve McQueen in Poulet"
Graeme Garden: "Hudson Hawk - that was a real turkey!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oh What a Lovely Warbler!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Last of the Red Hot Plovers"
Graeme Garden: "Nightjar on Elm Street"
Graeme Garden: "My Left Coot"
Graeme Garden: "Anything starring Joan Collins - apparently she's seen a cockatoo!"

Motor Mechanics

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Hatchback Of Notre Dame"
Barry Cryer: "Die Lada"
Willie Rushton: "Paint Your Volkswagen"
Graeme Garden: "Robin Reliant: Prince Of Thieves"
Barry Cryer: "Alfa Romeo & Juliet, Comedy Of Sierras, and Much Ado About Vauxhall starring Richard Gear"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fiddler On The Roof Rack"
Graeme Garden: "Lady Chatterley's Rover"
Graeme Garden: "One Of Our Airbags Is Nissan"
Willie Rushton: "The Touch Of Hillman Minx"
Graeme Garden: "Dipstick On Your Collar"
Graeme Garden: "Virginia Mechanic in Lead Free, with Subaru the Elephant Boy"
Barry Cryer: "Cortina Turner in What's Shove Got To Do With It?"
Graeme Garden: "Alvis Presley in Love Me Fender"

Vicar's

Barry Cryer: "The High and The Mitre"
Willie Rushton: "All Quiet On The Western Font"
Graeme Garden: "A Fistful of Dog-Collars"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Seven Deadly Synods with Charlie Chaplain, James Dean, Richard Prior, Russ Abbot as Captain Kirk, and not forgetting Nicholas Parsons... on second thoughts, you can forget Nicholas Parsons"
Barry Cryer: "What's Up Flock?"
Barry Cryer: "Silence of the Bands with Hannibal Rector"
Graeme Garden: "Bill & Ted's Excellent Advent"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "An Officer and A Gentle Nun"
Barry Cryer: "Cloister Encounters"
Graeme Garden: "Pope Eye"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "April in Parish"
Graeme Garden: "Cleric the Viking"
Willie Rushton: "Bend Over the Cathedral Choir"
Graeme Garden: "The Abbess starring Liz Taylor with Hymn number 83"
Barry Cryer: "The Padre's Over"
Graeme Garden: "The First In The Pew starring Winston Church-Hall"
Willie Rushton: "Tom Courtney in The Blesser"
Graeme Garden: "Psalm Song and Delilah"

Banker's

Barry Cryer: "The splendour of the Bank of England - The Madness of Eddie George"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "North by NatWest, starring The Loan Arranger & Tonto"
Graeme Garden: "The famous historical romp, Dow Jones, starring Albert FT"
Willie Rushton: "The Snows of Kilimangirobank"
Graeme Garden: "Bring me the Statement of Alfredo Garcia"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Tessa the d'Urbervilles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Nick Leeson's tragic story - Back to the Futures"
Willie Rushton: "The Grapes of Rothschild"
Graeme Garden: "A new horror film - Croak - in which a bank is invaded by hundreds of frogs going 'Credit, Credit'"
Graeme Garden: "Withdrawal & I"
Graeme Garden: "Nightsafe on Elm Street"
Barry Cryer: "Debit Winger & Bette Midland in A Start is Overdrawn"
Graeme Garden: "Sharon Stone in Basic Interest Rate"
Willie Rushton: "They Died With Their Coutts On"

Biscuit Maker's

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Hobnobs & Breadsticks"
Barry Cryer: "McVitie Vitie Bang Bang"
Willie Rushton: "The Singing Digestive"
Graeme Garden: "The First Wives Club"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Bath Oliver Twist & the Artful Jammy Dodger"
Barry Cryer: "La Dolce Ryvita"
Willie Rushton: "Glen Garibaldi, Glen Ross"
Graeme Garden: "Ghandibaldi directed by Biccy Attenborough"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Cream Cracker, East of Java"
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Crispbread of Alfredo Garcia"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mutant Ginger-Nut Turtles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Penguin Has Landed"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A Ryvita Runs Through It"
Graeme Garden: "Flash Bourbon"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Crumbs of Navarone"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Lord of the Squashed Flies starring Jack Lemon Puff"
Barry Cryer: "Paint Your Wagon Wheel"
Graeme Garden: "J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobnob"

Cheese Maker's

Graeme Garden: "Camberzola, East of Java"
Barry Cryer: "The Edambusters"
Stephen Fry: "The Rock Fort"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Guns of Mascapone"
Barry Cryer: "Fromage to Eternity"
Graeme Garden: "King Kong v Gorgonzola"
Stephen Fry: "Three Men and A Babybel"
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Cheddar Of Alfredo Garcia"
Stephen Fry: "Cheeses of Nazareth"
Barry Cryer: "Cheddar Garbla"
Graeme Garden: "The Hunt For Red Leicester"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Cheese Straw Dogs"

Bee Keeper's

Graeme Garden: "Lady Windermere's Bee"
Barry Cryer: "Stinging In The Rain with Gene Jelly"
Jeremy Hardy: "Planet Of The Apiaries"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Honey, I Stung The Kids"
Barry Cryer: "Silence Of The Bees with Hannibal Nectar"
Jeremy Hardy: "Pollen Academy"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Cruel Bee"
Graeme Garden: "The Sting"
Jeremy Hardy: "Pollen Academy 2"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Bee"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Her Bee Rides Again"
Jeremy Hardy: "Pollen Academy 3"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Temporarily Blinded Bee - Beedazzled"
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Hive Of Alfredo Garcia"
Graeme Garden: "The Bee Who Shot Liberty Valence"
Graeme Garden: "The Bee In The Iron Mask"
Graeme Garden: "Twelve Angry Bees"
Graeme Garden: "Bee Hur by Cecil Wasp DeMille"
Graeme Garden: "Citizen Bee"

Doctor's

Willie Rushton: "Enema of the People"
Barry Cryer: "The Forcep Saga by John Gall-Bladder"
Graeme Garden: "Lady Chatterley's Liver"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Paddy Doyle Ha Ha Ha, you can put your trousers back on now"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Colon the Barbarian"
Willie Rushton: "Catheta Come Home"
Graeme Garden: "Cistitus Andronicus"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Rectum's Wife"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Popeye the Say Ah Man"
Willie Rushton: "Diarrhoea of a Nobody"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Emily Bronte's - Worrying Bites"
Graeme Garden: "Jane Austen's - Emma Roid"
Graeme Garden: "The Honorary Tonsil"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Up Stethoscope"
Barry Cryer: "The Greatest Supository Ever Sold"
Willie Rushton: "Bleak Arse"
Graeme Garden: "Hernia Shrunk The Kidneys"
Barry Cryer: "Cold Compress Farm"

Fisherman's

Tony Hawks: "Far From the Madding Trout"
Graeme Garden: "The Lord of the Flies by J.R.Hartley"
Barry Cryer: "Catch 22"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Sequel to The Barchester Chronicles - The Crochester Barnacles by Anthony Scollop"
Tony Hawks: "The Sardinic Verses by Salmon Rushdie"
Barry Cryer: "Moll Flounders"
Graeme Garden: "Captain Correlli's Manta Ray"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "10 Rillington Plaice"
Tony Hawks: "Sprat is a Feminist Issue"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Lady Chatterley's Lobster"
Graeme Garden: "And if you don't fancy a book, there's always top-shelf prawn!"
Barry Cryer: "Three Men and A Bloater"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Great Exaggerations"
Barry Cryer: "The Kipper and The Roes"
Graeme Garden: "The Little Book of Clam"

Smoker's

Barry Cryer: "A Tale of Two Ciggies"
Jeremy Hardy: "Nicotine Nickelby"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oliver Twist, Please"
Graeme Garden: "Bridget Jones' Pipe"
Jack Dee: "Harry Pot"
Sandi Toksvig: Joseph Heller's great anti-smoking book - "Patch 22"
Tony Hawks: "Round Ireland With A Fag"
Barry Cryer: "Great Expectorations"
Jeremy Hardy: "Asterix the Gauloise"
Andy Hamilton: "Angela's Ashtrays"
Jack Dee: "The Habit" by Tolkien
Rob Brydon: "Much Ado About Puffing"
Tony Hawks: "Filter Tipping the Velvet"
Graeme Garden: "The Pickwick Rizlas"
Andy Hamilton: The Welsh classic "How Green Was My Mucus?"
Jeremy Hardy: "Sense And Saint Semilia"
Andy Hamilton: "The Curious Incident Of The Dog End In The Night"
Sandi Toksvig: "Capstan Correlli's Mandolin"
Jack Dee: "We Need To Talk About Coughing"
Graeme Garden: "Around The World On 80-a-Day"
Rob Brydon: "Hamlet"

Undertaker's

Barry Cryer: "Champion, The Wonder Hearse"
Barry Cryer: "A-Wop-Bop-A-Loo-Bop, A-Wop-Embalm"
Willie Rushton: "Some embalming evening, You may stuff a stranger"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You're The Cream In My Coffin"
Graeme Garden: "I'm Getting Buried In The Morning"
Willie Rushton: "Itsy-Bitsy, Teeny-Weeny, Yellow Polka Dot Winding Sheet"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Top Hat & Nails"
Graeme Garden: "I Dig It My Way"
Willie Rushton: "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Cemetery"
Barry Cryer: "I Can't Get No Putrefaction by The Rolling Headstones"
Willie Rushton: "Please Deep-Freeze Me"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You're Just My Jack-in-a-Box"
Barry Cryer: "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?"

Doctor's

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Knees Up, Mother Brown"
Barry Cryer: "Unchained Melody by Urethra Franklin"
Willie Rushton: "I'm Too Sexy For My Truss"
Willie Rushton: "Lipstick On Your Colon"
Willie Rushton: "Singing In The Brain"
Graeme Garden: "Hit the Prozac, and don't you come back no more."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Coldfinger"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dr., No!"
Barry Cryer: "They Can't Take That Away From Me"
Willie Rushton: "Urine The Money"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Yes Sir, That's My Baby"
Graeme Garden: "Hernia Rose I Bring You"
Barry Cryer: "I Want Some Diagnosis For A Blue Lady"
Willie Rushton: "Testes Song At Twilight"

Dog Fancier's

Barry Cryer: "If I Was a Bitch Man, Poodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oo from Fiddler on the Woof"
Willie Rushton: "Pekinese-up Mother Brown"
Graeme Garden: "Daydream Retriever by The Mongrels"
Barry Cryer: "Dog-fanciers' favourite groups include: The Pointer Sisters, Vet Vet Vet and There's A Good Boy-zone"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Making Whoopsie"
Willie Rushton: "Good Collie, Miss Molly"
Barry Cryer: "The Beagles Anthology including: Hey Chewed, Oh Mr Postman, Labrador Rigby, A Little Whelp From My Friends by Joe Cocker"
Barry Cryer: "Tom Bones singing My, My, My, Rottweiler"
Graeme Garden: "The Miniature-Schnauzer the Joint"
Graeme Garden: "Pit Bulls, People Who Need Pit Bulls"
Barry Cryer: "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down & Breed Myself a Setter"

Pensioners

Graeme Garden: "You Say Tomato, I Say...Eh??"
Barry Cryer: "Another One Bites the Crust"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We're All Going On A Saga Holiday"
Jeremy Hardy: "Stairlift to Heaven"
Graeme Garden: "Hit Me With Your Walking Stick"
Jeremy Hardy: "Hippy Hippy Replacement"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Wide Eyed & Legless with Hot Chocolate"
Barry Cryer: "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Twist & Gout"
Barry Cryer: "I Heard It Through The Deaf Aid"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'm Putting In My Top Set..."
Barry Cryer: "Pappa's Got a Brand New Bag"
Jeremy Hardy: "You've Lost That Loving Feeling by The Arthrighteous Brothers"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A, You're Adorable...Eh??"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Baby, Will You Light The Fire"
Jeremy Hardy: "Staying Alive"

Limericks

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing a hymn..."

Barry Cryer: "I was jostled by old Francis Pym..."

Willie Rushton: "He tripped over a hassock..."

Graeme Garden: "Looked right up my cassock..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And exclaimed: "Goodness me! Hello Tim!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing a psalm..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Michael Heseltine turned on the charm..."

Barry Cryer: "He shook his wild locks..."

Willie Rushton: "Removed both his socks..."

Graeme Garden: "Which set off the fire alarm."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing an anthem..."

Graeme Garden: "The archbishop lisped: "My, you're 'anthome'..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "At which Norman Lamont..."

Barry Cryer: "Toppled into the font..."

Willie Rushton: "He was pushed by that old bitch from Grantham!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing a carol..."

Willie Rushton: "Geoffrey Howe cried: "Your turn in the barrel!..."

Graeme Garden: "That's a bit of a bummer!..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Said John Selwyn Gummer..."

Barry Cryer: "As Cecil whipped off his apparel."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "Did you hear about old Van der Valk?..."

Graeme Garden: "He powders his bottom with talc...."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "When they asked him: "What for?"..."

Barry Cryer: "He said: "My bum's red raw...""

Willie Rushton: "You can tell by the way that I walk."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "When turning on BBC2..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I thought: "They need something brand new..."

Barry Cryer: "Something witty and funny..."

Willie Rushton: "That doesn't cost money..."

Graeme Garden: "Why not Sorry I Haven't A Clue?"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The best way to eat avocado..."

Barry Cryer: "Is underneath Miss Brigitte Bardot..."

Willie Rushton: "Well, it was in the forties..."

Graeme Garden: "When I practised my naughties..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "With the help of old Doctor Barnardo."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "When Santa gets bored in his grotto..."

Willie Rushton: "He doesn't play bingo or lotto..."

Graeme Garden: "He sits on a shelf..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And toys with an elf..."

Barry Cryer: ""Sod this for a lark!" is his motto."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out on the banks of Loch Ness..."

Graeme Garden: "I was startled to see Rudolph Hess...."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He shouted: "Who's won?"..."

Barry Cryer: "The ignorant hun...""

Willie Rushton: "I said: "You did, in the end, more or less."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The thing about wearing a kilt..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is it tends to reveal how you're built..."

Barry Cryer: "But should you chance your arm..."

Willie Rushton: "It has an alarm..."

Graeme Garden: "And your sporran lights up and says: "Tilt!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "One night I was roused by the pipes..."

Barry Cryer: "Being played by a band of strange types..."

Willie Rushton: "They then tossed a caber..."

Graeme Garden: "And shouted: "Vote Labour!"..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "My sporran lit up and said: "Cripes!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "There's a small breed of dog, called a Scottie..."

Willie Rushton: "Who's house-trained and sits on a potty..."

Graeme Garden: "He gives a loud yap..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "That mischievious chap..."

Barry Cryer: "Then stands up and wipes his wee bottie."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "That potty old monarch King Lear..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Was a martyr to chronic diarrhoea..."

Barry Cryer: "He'd sit on his throne..."

Willie Rushton: "Emit a loud groan..."

Graeme Garden: "And nobody else would go near."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "That warrior Coriolanus..."

Barry Cryer: "Did several things that were heinous..."

Willie Rushton: "He tortured the cat..."

Graeme Garden: "Set fire to my hat..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And now he's been sick in my trainers."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "That jealous old soldier Othello..."

Willie Rushton: "Let out a stentorian bellow..."

Graeme Garden: "He fell on his sword..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And shouted: "Oh Gawd!"..."

Barry Cryer: ""That's the last time that I'll play the cello!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "At an orgy, old Julius Caesar..."

Graeme Garden: "Met a virgin and tried hard to please her...."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "She said: "My name is Mimi"..."

Barry Cryer: ""Are you pleased to see me?"..."

Willie Rushton: ""Or is that the Tower of Pisa?""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In Tesco's with Earth, Wind and Fire..."

Willie Rushton: "Mr Wind assaulted a buyer..."

Graeme Garden: "Mr Fire then hit Earth..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Who promptly gave birth..."

Barry Cryer: "Tesco's, News at Ten, Barry Cryer."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "My hamster is called Otis Redding..."

Graeme Garden: "My goldfish is Joan Armatrading..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "My dogs are The Platters..."

Barry Cryer: "Not that that matters..."

Willie Rushton: "No, we're all up to here with the wedding."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The artist formerly known as Prince..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "On stage he would posture and mince..."

Barry Cryer: "Then just for a giggle..."

Willie Rushton: "Changed his name to a squiggle..."

Graeme Garden: "And nobody's heard of him since."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "When it snows you will find Sister Sledge..."

Barry Cryer: "Out mooning at night on the ledge..."

Willie Rushton: "One storey down..."

Graeme Garden: "Is the maestro, James Brown..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Displaying his meat and two veg."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In a restaurant with veteran Pete Murray..."

Bill Tidy: "He demolished a vindaloo curry!..."

Barry Cryer: "There came a great roar..."

Willie Rushton: "That rattled the floor..."

Graeme Garden: "And laid waste vast areas of Surrey."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "At an orgy with Sir Jimmy Savile..."

Willie Rushton: "His track suit began to unravel..."

Bill Tidy: "He said: "Don't make a fuss"..."

Graeme Garden: "And fashioned a truss..."

Barry Cryer: "Out of cement - two parts sand, three parts gravel."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While reading the Exchange and Mart..."

Graeme Garden: "A terrible noise made me start..."

Bill Tidy: "But I didn't worry..."

Barry Cryer: "It was only Pete Murray..."

Willie Rushton: "And with him it's not rude, it's an art."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "As they banged in the bed of hard nails..."

Mike Harding: ""Woohoo!" said the Princess of Wales..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "She blew him a kiss..."

Barry Cryer: "Said: "We've never done this"..."

Willie Rushton: ""In top hat, and white tie, and tails!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The medicinal power of brandy..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is vouchsafed for, so keep some of it handy..."

Barry Cryer: "It's wondrous effect..."

Willie Rushton: "Kept Churchill erect..."

Paul Merton: "But at the same time did sod all for Gandhi!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once had a fully trained moth..."

Stephen Fry: "Who'd swim like a fish in Scotch Broth..."

Graeme Garden: "To end his routine..."

Willie Rushton: "He'd fart: 'God Save The Queen'..."

Barry Cryer: "Has anyone here got a cloth?"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once found my pet puss in Boots..."

Graeme Garden: "Buying condoms and herbal cheroots..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I said: "Naughty cat"..."

Barry Cryer: "You mustn't do that..."

Willie Rushton: ""They'll think we're a couple of fruits.""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "Whenever I wear my new clogs..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'm followed by frisky young dogs..."

Barry Cryer: "One started to beg..."

Willie Rushton: "Then cocked his leg..."

Graeme Garden: "And dampened the hem of my togs."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "You won't guess what I keep in my wellies..."

Barry Cryer: "Three tarts and a couple of jellies..."

Willie Rushton: "A Cadbury's Flake..."

Graeme Garden: "And a portion of hake..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And an old spotted dick of George Melly's."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "Whenever I wear winklepickers..."

Willie Rushton: "I know the footsteps behind are the vicar's..."

Graeme Garden: "It's the backs of my shoes..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He likes to peruse..."

Barry Cryer: "Or perhaps it's the cut of my knickers."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once had a blind date with Cilla..."

Willie Rushton: "I took her to watch Aston Villa..."

Graeme Garden: "She sang to the crowd..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And she sang very loud..."

Barry Cryer: "And that's why they threatened to kill her."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once had a trial with Bill Shankly..."

Graeme Garden: "At the end he just looked at me blankly..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Said: "You're no Roger Hunt"..."

Barry Cryer: "In fact, I'll be blunt..."

Willie Rushton: "You're absolute rubbish, quite frankly!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "We went to a show with Ken Dodd..."

Barry Cryer: "The usherette said: "Oh my God!"..."

Willie Rushton: "He'll go on for years..."

Graeme Garden: "And he's bound to sing Tears..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "When he finishes, give us a prod!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "Out drinking with Bruce Grobelaar..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He paid with some cash from a jar..."

Barry Cryer: "He said: "See, I saved this!"..."

Willie Rushton: "So I gave him a kiss..."

Graeme Garden: "And he tipped himself over the bar!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "A porter from Gonville & Caius..."

Graeme Garden: "Grew potatoes on both of his knees..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "On the end of his nose..."

Barry Cryer: "Grew a rare kind of rose..."

Willie Rushton: "But you'll never guess where he grew these!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out with a couple of Blues..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I didn't know which one to choose..."

Barry Cryer: "The one with the squint..."

Willie Rushton: "Or the one with the splint..."

Graeme Garden: "I had both, I've got nothing to lose."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out on the Cam in a punt..."

Barry Cryer: "I saw Reverend Spooner in front..."

Willie Rushton: "He said: "What a day gay!"..."

Graeme Garden: "And: "Anchors aweigh!"..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And: "Make way for my podding sunt!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "If you're studying Natural Science..."

Willie Rushton: "I suggest that you wear this appliance..."

Graeme Garden: "You strap it on thus..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Then just hop on a bus..."

Barry Cryer: "And you'll find you get masses of clients."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "As I reached for my copy of Chaucer..."

Stephen Fry: "I awkwardly fell on a saucer..."

Graeme Garden: "I started to swoon..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "When I noticed the spoon..."

Barry Cryer: "At this point, the story gets coarser."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the pub with this old Wife of Bath..."

Graeme Garden: "She sat herself down by the hearth..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "She lifted her skirt..."

Barry Cryer: "Said: "Don't think me a flirt"..."

Stephen Fry: ""It's a terribly well-trodden path.""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I've met this unusual monk..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dressed up as a pineapple chunk..."

Barry Cryer: "He lifts up his habit..."

Stephen Fry: "Invites you to grab it..."

Graeme Garden: "And then the wee tease does a bunk."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out with a Doctor of Physick..."

Barry Cryer: "He slipped me a strong analgesic..."

Stephen Fry: "I fell to the ground..."

Graeme Garden: "When I woke up I found..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I was chained to a lamp-post in Chiswick."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While playing a hand of whist..."

Barry Cryer: "My partner leaned forward and hissed..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "That's your tenth double gin..."

Willie Rushton: "You've a vacuous grin..."

Graeme Garden: "In a word ... you're getting the gist."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While sailing with Captain James Cook..."

Barry Cryer: "He gave me an old-fashioned look..."

Willie Rushton: "He said 'Hello, sailor'..."

Graeme Garden: "'Tell me who's your tailor?'..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "'It must be that nice man - Tim Brooke-.'"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "A habit of Vasco de Gama's..."

Willie Rushton: "Was to tear off the first mate's pyjamas..."

Graeme Garden: "Then he'd wave them about..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And give a great shout..."

Barry Cryer: "'I wish you were here, Judith Chalmers!'"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The odd thing about Cecil Rhodes..."

Graeme Garden: "Was his fondness for natterjack toads..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He'd eat them alive..."

Barry Cryer: "Sometimes three, four or five..."

Willie Rushton: "Hence his need for enormous commodes!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "When out sailing with Sir Francis Drake..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We discovered Veronica Lake..."

Barry Cryer: "We climbed Peggy Mount..."

Willie Rushton: "(Jimmy Hill doesn't count)..."

Graeme Garden: "Scaling Cliff was a dreadful mistake!"

Misleading Etiquette

Jeremy Hardy: "When a lady enters a room, always stand with the words 'Blimey, that one shot me right off me seat!'"
Sandi Toksvig: "When addressed by a member of British royalty, they prefer for you to answer in German."
Jack Dee: "At this time of year, if your bin men knock on the door and give you a Christmas card, it's traditional to tear it up and say 'What did you come here for? The bins are round the back!'"
Barry Cryer: "At a funeral, don't forget to throw an old mattress in the hole for luck."
Jeremy Hardy: "When shown baby pictures, take an interest saying things like 'I didn't know you two were cousins!' or 'You know you can do wonders with Photoshop!'"
Jack Dee: "If, when driving, a police car flashes you from behind, it means you're not going fast enough!"
Barry Cryer: "The official greeting for Duchess of Kent is 'I hear you go like a tram!'"
Jeremy Hardy: "Always compliment a woman at dinner. Try something like 'You look like a model. Let's hope you can keep that down!'"
Sandi Toksvig: "British men consider you rude if you don't share their urinal."
Jeremy Hardy: "If you don't know the words of football chants, entertain the opposing fans with songs from West Side Story."
Rob Brydon: "The correct way to greet the Bishop of Southwark is 'Get out of my car, you're pissed, Your Grace!'"

Kiss of Death

Graeme Garden: "So, when's it due?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Your mother's very attractive. Your brother's strangely attractive."
Barry Cryer: "Your hair looks so natural, particularly the left nostril."
Willie Rushton: "Oh I assure you, your mother liked it."
Graeme Garden: "No further than't stockin' tops!"
Willie Rushton: "That was a lovely evening, and with service charge included, that will cost you 250 guineas."
Barry Cryer: "I've just noticed - your eyes match the spinach in your teeth."
Willie Rushton: "Your place, or back to the sheltered accommodation?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Let's go for a run in the Skoda."

Graeme Garden: "I hope you don't mind men who like to play rough. I've got one waiting in the bedroom..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "No wonder you didn't send a photo!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Shall we listen to Quote, Unquote?"
Barry Cryer: "You don't sweat much for a big girl."
Jeremy Hardy: "There's something different about you. You're so...alive!"
Graeme Garden: "Let's do it right here and now, while everyone's concentrating on the sermon."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oh dear. Sorry about this. I hope it's just nits."
Graeme Garden: "I would ask you back to my place, but I've got a chainsaw in soak."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Whoops! Well that's better out than in!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "LOOK OUT! Just my little joke!"
Jeremy Hardy: "I find myself torn between Veritas and UKIP..."
Barry Cryer: "Get your balaclava on, you've pulled!"

Wuthering Hillocks

Willie Rushton: "Tadpole Dundee"
Graeme Garden: "The Chi-Hua-Hua of the Baskervilles"
Graeme Garden: "Gibbon's Decline & Fall of the Hackney Empire"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "EM Forster's 'A Passage to Islington'"
Willie Rushton: (on James Bond books) "'Casino Royale' has now become 'Bingo with Princess Michael', 'Thunderball' is 'Drizzle Pillock', 'Dr. No' is 'First aid kit in the boot, possibly', and my favourite I think is 'Octopussy' has become 'Unipart'."
Barry Cryer: "The Condom of the Opera"
Graeme Garden: "Moby Doris"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Balshazzar's Sandwich"

Nigella's Saucy Mouthfuls

Barry Cryer: "Winkles in cider."
Jack Dee: "Lean back and fillet."
Rob Brydon: "She's very good with ice-cream dishes, I'd like to see her lick the nuts off a large Neapolitan!"
Graeme Garden: "And there's Antony Worrall Thompson's crabs on ginger nuts!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A nice alternative to caesar salad is caesar melons!"
Jeremy Hardy: "Coq in a vin."
Barry Cryer: "A full-bodied 69, you can keep your macon".
Andy Hamilton: "Toad in the hole. Then out of the hole, then in the hole, then out of the hole..."
Jack Dee: "Aberdeen Angus underbelly with wild salmon top, after which you could have a sorbet."

Samantha

"While Samantha nips out to warm up her little Morris..."

"While Samantha nips over to Prague for a quick check-up..."

"Before I nip out with Samantha for a time honoured blow on the seafront..."

"While Samantha and I nip out with my flexible friend to make a large withdrawal..."

"As Samantha tells me it's time to let her whippet out..."

"Samantha tells me she's expecting a visit from a film producer in her dressing room after the show. With news of a part he's been holding for her. He seems sure she's gonna make it big."

"While Samantha nips out to enjoy a mouthful of Jacob's..."

"Samantha has just returned from congratulating a local builder friend who successfully bid for a contract this week. He said she was delighted to see his little firm won."

"Samantha was telling us before the show she's been visiting a nice gentleman racehorse owner in his stables recently. She doesn't know much about racing, but she's already seen something to admire in his jockeys."

"Samantha tells me she has to nip out to help an old man next door who has trouble using his stairlift. She goes in every night to put him on downstairs, and then pulls him off on the landing."

"While Samantha nips out to enjoy a portion of local winkles in cider..."

"So as Samantha heads off to the Highland games to admire the contestants in the caber competition, and perhaps have a go at tossing one or two herself..."

"So while Samantha nips out to nibble on her favourite bit of Leicester..."

"Samantha has just started keeping bees, and already has three dozen or so. She says she's got an expert handler coming round to give a demonstration. He'll carefully take out her 38 bees... and soon have them flying round his head."

"Samantha has to nip out now, as she is off to see a Scots trawlerman friend, whose vessel needs to go in for repairs. Samantha says he's keen to lay her up in the Orkneys..."

"Samantha has to nip out now to spend time with her new gentleman friend. They're going on a driving tour of Wales. She says he's looking forward to showing her Cardiff and Cardigan Bay, before going on to Bangor in the back of his van."

"Samantha has to nip out now with her new gentleman friend. Apparently, they've been working on the restoration of an old chest of drawers. Samantha is in charge of polishing, while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she's got a new job working in the sound archive at the manager. It's her first day, so apparently she's going to give a speech in the back room and hand jobs out in the office."

"The sound effects were acquired for us from the BBC archives by the lovely Samantha. She visits the old men down there every so often to get new material for the show, but it's a trifle unorganised down there. She says that she doesn't mind if they want to dicker about three times a week."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she has a new gentleman friend. Apparently, he's a vacuum cleaner salesman, and he's managed to get her the latest model. She says she can't wait to get home and handle her new Phillips upright."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she is meeting her new zookeeper gentleman friend. She's going to meet him at the monkey house, where he's often found swinging about with his charges. She says she doesn't mind looking up and seeing him hung like a baboon."

"Samantha's popped out to visit an old gentleman friend of hers who's a notorious curmudgeon. However, she finds that if she butters him up properly she can sometimes get him to splash out." (November 2006)

"In her spare time, Samantha likes nothing more than to peruse old record shops. She particularly enjoys a rewarding poke in the country section."

"Samantha nearly made it - she's been detained at the last minute in the city's Latin quarter. An Italian gentleman friend has promised to take her out for an ice-cream, and she likes nothing better than to spend an evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan." (Humphrey Lyttleton's final joke on the show, recorded shortly before his death in April 2008)

Colin Sell

"You'll be accompanied by Colin Sell on the piano. Incidentally, new listeners to the programme may be interested to know that Colin Sell was a member of several pop groups in the 60's and 70's, some of which became quite well known after he'd left them. There was Colin & Garfunkel, Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick Titch & Colin, The Electric Light Piano, & perhaps most interestingly, The Jackson Six."

"Teams, to accompany you, I'm sure you'd all like to welcome our brand new pianist...but until he's provided, we'll just have to make do with our old one... Colin Sell."

"You'll be accompanied on the piano by Colin Sell, one of the finest musicians of the day...of course, when night comes, something seems to desert him."

"This musical lament will be accompanied by Colin Sell...and music doesn't come more lamentable than that."

"Accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell at the piano. Incidentally, we've just heard some great news - I'm very pleased to announce that the BBC have arranged a special collection of Colin's entire work... they've bagged it up, & the council are sending some men round for it on Tuesday."

"I am assured that piano accompaniment is required for this round, and it appears that Colin Sell is unexpectedly available to provide it. You know that whenever musicians hear that Colin's working with us, they're always very keen for news of the old maestro... well, sadly, it's failed it's M.O.T. again, so he's had to come on his bike."

"Colin Sell is at the piano, and with exciting career news - he tells me that he's recently started to work with pop sensation Bjork, so now he's making regular trips to Iceland... or if they're shut, he goes to Bejams."

"You know, I was interested to learn recently that Colin doesn't just play the piano, in fact I have a letter here that says he's recently become very handy on the sax... and that's signed by the Haringey Council Waste Disposal Department."

"Actually, Colin was telling us that he recently started on backing material with his new singer... so if anyone needs some curtains run up..."

"Actually, listeners may be interested to hear that Colin doesn't only play the piano... oh no. He's recently become a bit of an expert with the pan pipes... so if anyone has a blocked toilet they want cleared..."

"As ever, Colin Sell will be providing backup on the piano, although that's by no means his only instrument. In fact, I have a cutting here from Jazz Monthly magazine, written by their top reviewer. It reads: "When I heard Colin Sell playing the mouth organ, I rushed in just in time to catch his set. He really should use a stronger denture fixative if he's going to blow that hard.""

"Incidentally, Colin's first TV appearance was when he played the mouth organ in Black Lace. Opportunity Knocks said it was the worst novelty drag act they'd ever had on the show."

"Actually, we're all very excited for Colin, as he's been invited to play at a U-2 gig...what great reunion dances those German submarine crews have."

"Musical accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me he's thinking of branching out into artist management. Apparently he has this dream of handling The Spice Girls. Mrs. Sell says it's the only thing that gets him up in the morning."

"Accompaniment here will be provided by Colin Sell at the piano. Incidentally, we were all surprised to hear that Colin has recently been standing in for Oasis. He spent 4 days holding up a dried arrangement at the Chelsea Flower Show."

"Backing will be provided, as ever, by Colin Sell at the piano. Actually, we were interested to hear that Colin has recently been enjoying himself in the brass section. The manageress at Dorothy Perkin's says if she catches him in there again, she'll call the police."

"Actually, Colin was telling us before the show that he once toured Britain with The Monkees... then Mr. Chipperfield promoted him to the elephants and gave him a bigger shovel."

"Incidentally, pianist Colin Sell was once mistaken for a member of the Partridge Family... it took him nearly three weeks to pick the lead shot out of his backside."

"Now listeners will be surprised to hear that pop legend Cliff Richard once insisted that Colin played in The Shadows... but then, he's not a pretty sight in broad daylight."

"The round is called Karaoke Cokey, and it'll be led by Colin Sell at the piano. In fact, we heard from him earlier, singing 'You put your left leg in, You put your right leg in', and then realised he was reading from the instructions that came with his trousers."

"We've asked Colin Sell to provide piano accompaniment. Colin was telling us that he recently wrote a Horn Concerto for two Cornets. The client was so impressed, he threw in a mivvi and a choc ice as well."

"Musical accompaniment at the piano will be provided by Colin Sell. These days, we only really know Colin for his work at the piano, but as a young lad he cut his teeth on the harmonica... until his teacher explained that he wasn't supposed to chew it."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners will be impressed to learn that back in the 60's, Colin asked Mick Jagger and Keith Richard if he could take the place of Brian Jones. They said yes, and threw him in the swimming pool."

"Actually, it's been said that one has more chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a piano player like Colin Sell... which is why we all spent most of last week standing out in the rain holding metal rods."

"Musical accompaniment will be provided in this round at the piano by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners may be fascinated to learn that before Christmas, Colin was employed to play the piano for The Stranglers. You can imagine how things were livened up in that turkey abbatoir."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who, we were interested to learn, was spotted back in 1969 playing with The Stones in Hyde Park. The keeper said if he caught Colin throwing them at the ducks again, he'd call the police."

"Actually, we were all very impressed to learn that Colin once played alongside Roy Orbison. Orbison, of course, was nicknamed 'The Big O', and in turn, he affectionately referred to Colin as 'That Little C'..."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me that his musical influences are Middle-Eastern in origin... mostly Shi'ite!"

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Co...[chokes] ... see, I even choke on the name!"

"But, I hear you ask, what possible use could there be for a dummy with two left hands? [significant pause] On the piano, Colin Sell!

"... the man who put the C into rap music ... Colin Sell!"

Letters from Mrs Trellis

"Dear Dr. Clare, So pleased to hear that Tim Brooke-Taylor is back - without him the show was like Hamlet without the balcony scene."

"Dear Mr. Duggleby, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why does my typewriter always stick on the letter 'Y'?

Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis, North Wales"

"Dear Ned, I'm on the train!

Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis"

"Dear Mr. Rees, I understand you're looking for suggestions for your 'Quote, Unquote' program. Can you tell me where the expression 'Dull as Ditch Water' comes from?

Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis"

"Dear David Dickinson, I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words: Cheap As Chips.

Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis. P.S. I can tell by your face that stuff really does do exactly what it says on the tin."

"Dear Rolf, Here's a handy hint: When you put the cat out, always use a high-quality fire extinguisher."

"Dear Mr. Gadaffi, You must be very proud. It's not every duck that becomes President.

Yours in haste, Mrs. Trellis"

A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has 'an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack', but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing.

"Dear Mr Titchmarsh: This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis."

"Dear Mrs McCartney: My, what a terrible mess. You must be kicking yourself."

"Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."

"Dear Rolf: They say a dog isn't just for Christmas. How true. You can use it for sandwiches all through January."

Intros

"Canterbury today is an interesting mix of traditional and modern buildings, due to the large number of bombs dropped during the last war. Even now the authorities regularly uncover unstable cases carrying decaying material which have to be handled with the greatest of care. Let me introduce four of them."

"Leeds galleries and museums may contain countless priceless artefacts, but keen-eyed visitors may also find here certain curiosities of no financial value, remnants from a bye-gone age guaranteed to kill half an hour. Let's meet the teams."

"You join us again at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham, where we've attracted a capacity audience of some 700, odd people."

"It's well documented in official records that the City's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe."

"Nottingham is also famous for its links with football, and Notts County is proud to be the oldest team in the English league...but they hope soon to buy some younger players."

"Despite this only three expressions of Scottish derivation are in regular use: kilt, haggis, and Partick Thistle nil."

"The area has become even more of a tourist attraction. Many come here and pay a few pounds to enjoy an uninterrupted 45 minute viewing of London and the Thames... as they wait for their Connex train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can't see the other half, because some fool has put a 700 foot bicycle wheel in the way."

"Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike."

"During Tudor times, Hull's customs levies on Humber shipping resulted in a feud with neighbouring Beverley. Eventually, the nuns of Beverley convent rose in revolt, and laid seige to Hull. This worried Henry VIII, who sent a heavily armed force immediately he heard the town was being terrorised by the Beverley sisters."

Lewis Carrol started his journeys to China from Sunderland. In fact, he thought of the title for 'Alice in Wonderland' when he thought of Sunderland and changed the first letter. Thank Goodness he wasn't traveling to Nanking.

End Lines

"Well with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake."

"As the frisky tomcat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity..."

"As the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles toward the abbetoir of destiny..."

"Well as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair..."

"As the loose boweled pigeon to time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed mini-cab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity..."

"As the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny..."

"As the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the Crunchy Fruit and Nut muesli of destiny..."

"As the rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity..."

"As the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate..."

"As the red red robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snow plough of destiny, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation..."

"As the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate..."

"As the wee-willy-winky of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity..."

"As the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate attempts to mount the bagpipes of eternity..."

"As the little Jack Horner of time pulls out his plums of fate, and the little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast..."

"As the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity..."

"As the false teeth of time come away in the Granny Smith of destiny, and the Grandpa Smith of fate decides he needs stronger dentifix..."

"As the 4x4 of destiny on the level crossing of fate, stalls in the path of the speeding freight train of doom, and the signalman of time rushes to fetch his camera..."

"As the hunter of time blasts the moose of destiny, and as the dairy counter worker of fate grabs the mop of destiny..."

Other lines

"The next round is called 'Cheddar Gorge' and it's just one of many parlour games inspired by English place names. There's also Barrow-in-Furness which involves burning garden implements, Sellafield, where the object is to try to flog off a plot of contaminated land, and of course we musn't forget Broadstairs, a game for people who are too fat to use the lift."

[Lyttelton discusses the "eleven jokes in the world"; i.e., the 11 types of humour.]

"They are: farce, slapstick, wordplay, exaggeration, comic metaphor, inappropriate response, repetition, irony, mimicry, satire and black humour. Hmm... doesn't mention filth."

"Welcome to ISIHAC where fun and laughter get on like a mouse on fire."

"The city (Leeds) has connections with many famous people. Well loved celebrities include Alan Bennett and Barry Cryer. Wait a minute, there's a bit here I didn't read. Well loved celebrities include Alan Bennett, and Barry Cryer used to know his milkman."

"If at any point I disapprove strongly you'll hear this (*blows horn*), unless I give Samantha a go, in which case you'll hear this (*lady screams*)."

"This week we can promise you a nail-biting contest... followed by a nose-picking contest."

"Some experts believe that it might take it's title from a town in Ireland, which is generally associated with meaningless nonsense. Ballykissangel."

"Oh wait a minute, I've goofed. It says on my thing here, you all keep going until it stops being funny."

"We call the next game Word for Word; it's a word game."

Quoternity