Ian Holloway

Sourced quotes

• "Apparently it's my fault that the Titanic sank."
  - On criticism from Plymouth Argyle fans during Leicester City's match against Plymouth Argyle.

• "I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark."
  - Reported on The Football League Show, BBC 1, 26 September 2009.

• “If you're a burglar, it's no good poncing about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy."

• "Why haven't they got cameras? The officials can speak to each other easily enough now. Why aren't we using laptops that are linked up and can give a decision in five seconds? A chimpanzee could do it - with not much training. We might as well go back to being cavemen, grab our girl by the hair, drag her into the cave whether she wants to come in or not because we may as well live in that age. We've come forward, haven't we?"

Quotes

• "He's six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking - he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster - That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock's massive." - talking about Cristiano Ronaldo.

• "To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee"
  - on the "ugly" win against Chesterfield. This is perhaps Holloway's most famous quote.

• "It's like the film Men in Black. I walk around in a black suit, white shirt and black tie where I've had to flash my white light every now and again to erase some memories, but I feel we've got hold of the galaxy now. It's in our hands."
  - Holloway on QPR's financial situation.

• "When you're a manager it's a case of have suitcase will travel, and I certainly didn't want to travel with my trousers down."
  - October 2006

• "It was lucky that the linesman wasn't stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake."
  - Holloway states his opinion about the linesman's performance in a game against Bristol City.

• "I call us the Orange club - because our future's bright!"
  - on QPR's potential.

• "He's been out for a year and Richard Langley is still six months away from being Richard Langley, and I could do with a fully fit Richard Langley."
  - on midfielder Richard Langley's injury rehabilitation.

• "It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play."
  - after being criticised for using defensive players in midfield.

• "I am a football manager. I can't see into the future. Last year I thought I was going to Cornwall on my holidays but I ended up going to Lyme Regis."
  - asked whether QPR would be able to beat Manchester City.

• "You can say that strikers are very much like postmen: they have to get in and out as quick as they can before the dog starts to have a go."

• "I always say that scoring goals is like driving a car. When the striker is going for goal, he's pushing down that accelerator, so the rest of the team has to come down off that clutch. If the clutch and the accelerator are down at the same time, then you are going to have an accident."

• "I've got to knock that horrible smell out of my boys, because they smell of complacency."

• "I have such bad luck at the moment that if I fell in a barrel of boobs I'd come out sucking my thumb."

• "Every dog has its day, and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark!"
  - Holloway after securing promotion to the Championship."

• "Sometimes it's time for hen fap, and now is one of those times!."

• "When my wife first saw Marc for the first time, she said he was a fine specimen of a man. She says I have nothing to worry about, but I think she wants me to buy her a QPR shirt with his name on the back for Christmas."
  - on QPR's new Danish striker Marc Nygaard.

• "Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings."
  - on veteran striker Paul Furlong.

• "We need a big, ugly defender. If we had one of them we'd have dealt with County's first goal by taking out the ball, the player and the first three rows of seats in the stands."
  - after a defeat against Notts County.

• "You never count your chickens before they hatch. I used to keep parakeets and I never counted every egg thinking I would get all eight birds. You just hoped they came out of the nest box looking all right. I'm like a swan at the moment. I look fine on top of the water but under the water my little legs are going mad."

• "There was a spell in the second half when I took my heart off my sleeve and put it in my mouth."

• "I don't see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose thats one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they'd have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin."
  - about the new rule restricting footballers from removing their shirts during a match.

• "Sometimes when you aim for the stars, you hit the moon."

• "I believe in what I am doing totally and once people speak to me they do too - I could sell snow to the Eskimos."

• "We've got a good squad and we're going to cut our cloth accordingly, but I think the cloth that we've got could make some good soup, if that makes any sense".
  - Despite popular belief, Holloway was in fact misquoted as saying "soup" but actually said "suit".

• "I want to try and spread the support with my Bristol connection. Rovers are in the bottom division so why can't I try and convert some of them into Argyle fans? We're in the West Country so it's not that far away. Only two and a half hours away in a slow car, an hour and a half in a fast one - or 10 minutes in a rocket! As long as you aimed it right, you'd be down here really quickly. Don't land it on the pitch, though, because you'd ruin it!"

• "It was a bit cheeky wasn't it? But I don't think it was that bad. It would have been worse if he'd turned round and dropped the front of his shorts instead. I don't think there's anything wrong with a couple of butt cheeks personally. (...) If anybody's offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they're just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything."
  - on Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton mooning Everton fans

• "Hasney's bust his hooter. He can smell round corners now."
  - on an injury sustained by central defender Hasney Aljofree

• ""Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird. Can you imagine if Posh was called Lady Beckham? We'd never hear the end of it!"
  - on rumours about a possible knighthood for David Beckham.

• "Have you ever seen The Incredibles? They have a a kid and he's just so quick, like 'WOOSH' and he's gone, and they call him 'Dash'.
  - on Scott Sinclair, then on loan at Argyle.

• "And I think Mr. Incredible looks like Iain Dowie.
  - on fellow manager Iain Dowie.

• "If I was in there I wouldn't try to be everybody's friend. I'd have to say 'Excuse me, hang on a minute, I think you're wrong there. Don't raise your voice at her like that, don't get like that. It's just an Oxo cube, we got it wrong and we're all in this together'. It's like the Witches of Eastwick. They need Jack Nicholson to come in and sort them right out."
  - on the bullying of Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother 2007.

• "I've ridden a horse but I'm rubbish at it. I look like a crab sat on a horse with my hunched back. I've got rounded shoulders so I'm in all sorts of trouble and the bloody horse seems to know it as well! Many a time my wife's seen me in excruciating agony when I've gone down instead of going up - let's just say those bloody saddles are rather hard."
  - on riding horses.

• "There was a woman in it who was quite well-endowed and two boys who used to get drunk and have a fight - it had everything for me."
  - on Dukes Of Hazzard.

• "He is the oldest swinger in town but at this level he will add a touch of class."
  - on veteran midfielder Teddy Sheringham.

• "Toad of Toad Hall ?."
  - on then Chelsea manager Avram Grant.

• " He's a complete fruitcake, that bloke, isn't he? We've got to be careful with him, he's after the old crazy mantle and he's going to win it hands down."
  - on Stephen Ireland