Jack Handey

Jack Handey is an American comic writer. He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes. Deep Thoughts gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.

Sourced

• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
  • "Deep Thoughts" segment, Saturday Night Live, October 12, 1991.

• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
  • Deep Thoughts (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, ISBN 0-425-13365-6.

• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  • Deep Thoughts (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, ISBN 0-425-13365-6.

• Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
  • Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy (1993), Hyperion, ISBN 1-56282-840-1.

• I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
  • Fuzzy Memories (1996), Andrews McMeel Publishing, ISBN 0-8362-1040-9.

• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
  • Deep Thoughts (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, ISBN 0-425-13365-6.