Jeff Foxworthy Quotations

Jeff Foxworthy is an American comedian and actor, and a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

TV Appearances

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles. - The Tonight Show, 27 March 2007

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it. - Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it." - Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy

2007 CMT Awards

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

You Might Be a Redneck If... (album)

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. And if you play with 'em too hard, they'll spew like a can of beer. I like to shake my daughter up, then hand her to people I don't like. "Hold her just a minute, would you?"

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in a light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more."

My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to walk out onto the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now."

Games Rednecks Play

Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"

The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard... But it's better than the system we used to use: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"

[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."

Totally Committed

On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

[On why criminals rob nice-looking houses] Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

Men like beer and something naked.

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered

A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.

(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

[about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]

I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more airtime than a skateboard at the X-Games."

[about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store clerk with a million dollar bill and asked for change]

She goes "I'll bet it was a counterfeit million dollar bill." Kinda like your high school diploma, huh?

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went "Oww! What was that for?", and she goes "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy."

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers . . . I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

[about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]

When I get into the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out there are five girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest daughter, who's really funny, goes "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "I'm gonna tell you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she goes "they are not, or the dog would be dead!" I hate a smart child.

Redneck jokes

Jeff's trademark is a series of one-liners denoting ways in which people might be a redneck (which he defines as "a glorious absence of sophistication"). The lines usually take on the format "If [example], you might be a redneck". Many of Foxworthy's "redneck-isms" were given to him by fans. Examples include:

If you own a home that is mobile, and fourteen cars that aren't.

If your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. (Jeff then adds, "A little finger pointing going on in the audience.")

If you've been on television more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.

If you have used a bar stool as a walker. (Ron White raises his hand)

If you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house. (Jeff raises his hand after Bill, Larry, and Ron point at him - Bill even holds up four fingers)

If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

If you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

If you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

If you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

If you go to the family reunion to meet women.

If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour. (Ron White raises his hand)

If you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner. (Ron White raises his hand.)

If you've ever ridden an electric floor buffer. (Bill Engvall fessed up to this, claiming "tequila was involved, get off me" causing Jeff to ask "I wonder how many times his wife has said that.")

If you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

If you own a Waffle House credit card.

If you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

If you own a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

If you smoked during your wedding.

If your dog passes gas and you claim it.

If your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate. (Jeff: "Guilty.")

If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television.

If you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

If you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.

If you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't. (At this point, Larry the Cable Guy raises his hand; Jeff then adds "Think about that and try to sleep tonight.")

If somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

If the biggest city you have ever been to is Wal-Mart.

If you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.

If you've ever taken an RV to a drive-in movie.

If you've ever heard the phrase "come and move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

If you wear someone else's work shirt.

If you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver. (Jeff had earlier told the story of it happening to the brother of an audience member)

If you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".

If the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

If you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

If your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

If your family tree does not fork.

If you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags".

If you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn.

Jeff's 'Here's Your Sign' Joke (from Blue Collar Comedy Tour)

Jeff: I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign."

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