Jello Biafra

Sourced

• Some day, even the experts will figure out, that crime is not caused by rap music...or even my music, but by a power structure of self-absorbed property owners so brain dead and stupid they won't even see that if you're too goddamn greedy to pay taxes for schools and services, they're not going to be any good any more! And that uneducated time bombs are a very poor investment as a future work force. And if you go on teaching people that life is cheap, and leave them to rot in ghettos and jails, they may one day feel justified in coming back to rob and kill you. Duh!
  • "Rob Now, Pay Later", Home Alive: The Art of Self Defense (1996)

• Jimi Hendrix once said, 'You will never hear surf music again.' Well, tonight, you will hear 'serf' music again -- S-E-R-F music.
  • Introducing the song "New Feudalism" with The No WTO Combo on November 30, 1999.

• "Buy my soda!" said the Moose Diarrhea Salesman. And we did. We all did. But when we got it home and opened up the package, it was not what they said it was. And rather than chucking it all and searching for something better, we're content with looking for another Moose Diarrhea Salesman.
  • "Eric Meets the Moose Diarrhea Salesman", Beyond the Valley of the Gift Police, in an allegory on the current state of politics.

• "Shut up, be happy. Obey all orders without question. The happiness you have demanded is now mandatory."
  • "Message From Our Sponsor", No More Cocoons (1987) (Also appears in Ice-T's track "Shut Up, Be Happy" on Freedom of Speech, Just Watch What You Say)

• "We on the left keep dividing ourselves into little splinter groups. "Anyone who isn't a vegetarian is automatically evil!" "Anyone who isn't an environmentalist wants to pollute the world!" "If you're not gay, then you must be homophobic!" "Look at me wrong? You're a racist!" "Wear lipstick? You can't be a feminist!" Divide, Divide, Divide, Divide, Divide! And while the left is all up their own asses with their little pet causes, the right comes in and takes control over that which is rightly everyone's. And speaking of splinters, most pathetic of all: "The only thing that matters in the entire universe is the punk rock scene! And you're an evil, sell-out traitor to the sacred punk rock scene if you disagree with anything I say, listen to music that I don't like, dress funny, dress normal, laugh without permission, or even so much as speak to another artist who ever made a dime off of their years of hard work without at least beating them up first!"...how pathetic is that? Every day, I walk from my home to the offices of Alternative Tentacles, and I lose count of the number of people, including entire families, holding up cardboard signs saying "Homeless: Will Work for Food"! Hard as it may be for some crybabies to believe, people in that situation could care less that "Green Day and The Offspring sold out when they signed to major labels."! Other things are more important!
  • "Wake up and Smell the Noise", If Evolution is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Evolve

Become the Media (2000)

• "Here we are at the gates of the great and powerful OZ! And we have come for your children! We are the REAL Politically Incorrect ! Our lives are not Charmed ! We WORK for a living! When was the last time [network television] admitted we even EXIST? Roseanne ? Sanford and Son ? Taxi ? [disgusted] Jerry Springer ! Our young people are NOT Teenage Witches! Nor are they Clueless! Fact is, they neither have NOR WANT ANYTHING in common with Dawson's Creek, Popular or Spoiled White Rich BABIES 90210 !"
  • "Become the Media" (Track 10)

• "And we will NOT let Campbell's Soup, Old Navy, or anybody ELSE, HAMMER into the minds of girls as YOUNG as SIX YEARS OLD that they should ALWAYS hate their bodies and ALWAYS be on a diet!"
  • "Become the Media" (Track 10)

• (on the "Irene Getting Smashmouthed" incident on The Real World): Come, on, EMPTY-V! ! [As] far as I'm concerned, Beavis and Butt-head and Dora (sic) are the only two good things you ever DID! [wild applause from audience] But can't you think of a better way to raise audience awareness of domestic violence, than to make it look COOL?
  • "Become the Media" (Track 10)

Address to the US Green Party

• "We don't need a flat tax, but a flattening tax, to truly level the playing field."

• "Our biggest national security threat is the environmental destruction of our planet and the arms race with ourselves."

• "I am an anarchist in my personal life. I try to live my life in a way that I don't need cops or baby-sitters to keep me from infringing on others. But I don't feel we have evolved far enough as a species to make anarchy work in society itself. We still need government to transfer the wealth from those who have too much to those who have too little, to make sure important projects get done, and keep territorial humans from screwing over and killing each other."

• "What does it say about our country when people are so desperate for an alternative to our one-party state masquerading as a two-party state that they'll even elect a professional wrestler governor?"

• "Don't hate the media, become the media."

Biafra's Nicknames for Various Political Figures

• Ronald Reagan - "Grandpa Caligula"; "Ronald McReagan" - No More Coccoons
• George H. W. Bush - "King George the 1st" - Beyond the Valley of the Gift Police
• Bill Clinton - "Mr. Bill" - ibid.
• Al Gore - "Prince Albert" - Become the Media
• George W. Bush - "King George the 2nd", "Cowboy 'Peabrain' Cornholio" - In the Grip of Official Treason
• Dick Cheney - "Dick 'The Dick' Cheney", Dick Chinny
• Condoleezza Rice - "CondolSleazea Rice" - ibid.
• John Ashcroft - "John Ashcrack" - ibid.
• Donald Rumsfeld - "Ronald Dumbsfeld" - ibid.