Joe Quimby

Attributed

• Ich bin ein Springfielder!
• Er, uh... er, uh... (frequently repeated when he needs time to think)
• Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with someone digging up a corpse?
• Quimby: All right, I'm in charge here.
  Wiggum: Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
  Quimby: Watch it, you walking tub of donut batter!
• Quimby: Are they (the crowd) getting dumber or just louder?
  Aide: Ah-h, (checks his clipboard) dumber, sir."
• (After a violent :w:St. Patrick's Day parade, the women of Springfield demand the mayor institute Prohibition.)
  Quimby: Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies!
  Aide [whispering]: Election in November! Election in November!
  Quimby: What? Again!? This stupid country.
• (In the future, a disheveled Quimby is driving a cab for Otto's cab company.)
  Lisa: Hey, I remember you. You're Mayor Quimby.
  Quimby: Er, ah, no! Check my license. Mohammed Jafar.
  Otto (on a video monitor): Quimby, when you're done with this fare, get your indicted ass down to the convention center!
  Quimby (under his breath): I cut the ribbon at that convention center!
• (At a town hall meeting held to decide how to use the money from a fine paid by Mr. Burns)
  Quimby: We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the two million dollars.
  Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean three million dollars?
  Quimby:: [looks around nervously, adjusts his tie] Of course. How silly of me.
• Did I, uh, hear a briefcase opening?
• Can't this town go one day without a riot?
• I stand by my ethnic slur.
• Do you mind?! I am just trying to have a quiet meal with my secret other family!
• I'll just amuse myself with these pornographic playing cards.
• You don't scare me! That could be anyone's ass. (Defiantly said after Chief Wiggum threatened to expose some incriminating photographs allegedly of the mayor.)
• Vote Quimby.
• (From the episode "Homer Alone")
  Quimby: Wiggum, you glorified nightwatchman, let her go!
  Wiggum: But she broke the law!
  Quimby: Thanks for the civics lesson. Now listen to me. If Marge Simpson goes to jail, I can kiss the chick vote goodbye. And if I go down, you're gonna break my fall!
  Wiggum: Word to the wise, Quimby. Don't write cheques your butt can't cash.
  Quimby: Hear me loud and clear, Wiggum. You bite me, I'll bite back.
  Wiggum: You talk the talk, Quimby. But do you walk the walk?
• "People, please! We are all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!"
• Also I would like to say that this woman is not my wife, although I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you because I'm comfortable with my womanising.
• (In response to being called an "illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spendocrat"): "I am no longer illiterate."
• (His clever scheme to scare criminals by simulating his execution in the old prison's electric chair, with the chair having been re-activated the previous night by Bart and Ralph Wiggum. Bart and Ralph are watching Quimby on TV for this special broadcast.):
  Quimby I am sending a message to the criminals of Springfield! If you commit a violent crime in this town you will end up here!
  Ralph: That's our play chair!
  Quimby: Just to show you what you are in for, I will strap myself into this electric chair, which was deactivated over 20 years ago, and I can only assume still is.
  
• (Refering to the woman next to him).
  Quimby: Now if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
  Woman: But uncle Joe, I am your niece from out of town.
  Quimby: Good Lord! I'm an abomination!
• (whispering to security guard) Look at them, they're like trained seals... Toss them a fish and watch them clap their fins...
• "You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."