John Oliver (comedian)

John Oliver is a British comedian currently serving as a correspondent on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.

Jon Stewart: I'm joined now by Senior Comparative Presidential Historian, John Oliver. Uh, Bush and Lincoln? Clearly the pundits are trying to make that comparison. Is this a fair comparison?

John Oliver: It's not a comparison at all, Jon. It's an opening bid. The first salvo by the President in the negotiation over where he'll rank among his predecessors. Obviously, he's starting high. He knows he's not going to GET Lincoln; it's just part of the game. Bush opens with Lincoln; America comes back with Harding. Bush says, "Harding? You're killing me here! I'm at least Eisenhower!" America says, "I'm sorry, we can't go any higher than Hoover." And so on and so forth, until we all settle on something in the low "Van Buren" range.

Jon Stewart: Are there any similarities, historically, between Bush and Lincoln?

John Oliver: There are some, Jon. Both men presided over civil wars. One ours and historically inevitable; one someone else's and ridiculously evitable. Both men suspended the writ of habeas corpus, although Lincoln did mention it publicly. And, of course, both weren't afraid of the grand gesture: we all remember Lincoln on the deck of the U.S.S. Monitor hailing the end of Civil War combat operations three years before the South actually surrendered.

(The Daily Show, 1/10/2007, re: the media coverage surrounding President Bush's plan to send 20,000 more troops into Iraq)

Jon Stewart: But John, pardon me but that sounds like Bullshit!

John Oliver: Bullshit? Or is it Bull-fact?

(The Daily Show, April 2007)

John Oliver: Let me make one thing perfectly clear to you: this is not writing. I have absolutely no idea how this sentence I'm currently saying is going to finish. When and if it does, I can only hope it makes some kind of coherent ceramic pineapple.

(The Daily Show, 1/07/2008, referring to the current writer's strike.)

John Oliver: Many people would argue that the most dangerous inhabitant of the earth is currently the self styled 43rd president of the United States. Not so much in deed anymore as in word. Because to hear that man speak is to wish upon yourself physical harm.

(Terrifying Times, 2008)

John Oliver: I started looking into these groups in America, campaigns groups who want to put stickers on the front of all school science text books saying that Evolution is only one possible theory of life on earth. Now, although this seems like a stupid idea at first, second, and thirty ninth glance, look at it once more. Give it that fortieth view. Because it's brilliant. Let's have stickers on the front of all books! Slap one on the front of the Bible saying "Of course this could all be bullsh*t. Maybe he never died! Perhaps he opened a donkey sanctuary. He had a clear bond with donkeys." Or slap one on the Theory of Gravity! "Look, thats just one man's opinion. Maybe we could all fly! R. Kelly believed it so. Why would he lie to us? What does he possibly stand to gain?"

(Terrifying Times, 2008)

John Oliver: But if you think it's going to get any better, let me burst that bubble of optimism now because I was fortunate enough last year to be invited to the First Republican Presidential Candidate Debate in Simi Valley in California, which, interestingly, was exactly as much fun as it sounds. But it was, obviously a privilege to be there and I did get to witness one incredible moment of political theater when all, at that point, ten of the potential leaders of the free world were asked the same question. And that question was "Who here doesn't believe in evolution?" And three of those men raised their hands. And then none of those three men put their hands down and said "Only joking." And their confidence was seductive!

(Terrifying Times, 2008)

John Oliver: These guys are the '27 Yankees of dodging questions. The '55 Dodgers of yanking congresses chain. [...] Jon, this is once in a generation bullshit.

(The Daily Show, July 22, 2008. On government response at Congressional Hearings)

Unsourced

John Oliver: If a man is beaten to the floor in a soundproof chamber, does he make a sound?

Jon Stewart: Are we suggesting that any interrogation technique, then, could be allowed under the President's discretion under the right circumstances?

John Oliver: What, d'ya mean like, um, affixing a leech to a man's eyeball? Or, um, forcing him to drink horse semen, you know? Would those be torture?

Jon Stewart: [very long pause] I...yes, that would be tor...

John Oliver: WRONG JON! They are scenes from the number one movie in America, Jackass Number 2!

John Oliver: A man puts hot coals on your feet.You move to confess but they have cut out your tongue. As the blood fills your mouth you wonder who, if anyone will be playing the part of the good cop.

In Response to the Iran Hostage Crisis 2007-

John Oliver: Iran, we will fuck you up. Crumpets?