Life on Mars Quotations

Life on Mars is a British TV series which mixes time travel with police drama.

Written by Tony Jordan, Matthew Graham and Ashley Pharoah

The Crash [1.1]

[To a murder suspect, regarding an entry in his diary]

Sam Tyler: From the diary, quote, "I killed her. She's been killed. I'm a killer, an ace killer." That particular entry is not awash with ambiguity.

Chris Skelton: Someone needs to take a look at you boss, you're as white as a ginger bird's arse!

[After Sam, disorientated and confused by his new surroundings, has challenged Gene's authority]

Gene Hunt: They reckon you've got concussion - I couldn't give a tart's furry cup if half your brains are falling out. Don't ever waltz into my kingdom acting king of the jungle.

Sam Tyler: Who the hell are you?

Gene Hunt: Gene Hunt. Your DCI. And it's 1973. Almost dinner time. I'm 'aving 'oops.

[Trying to call a mobile phone number]

Sam Tyler: I need you to connect me to a Virgin mobile number -

Operator: Don't you start that sexy business with me, young man. I can trace this call.

[Annie complies with Sam's request to hit him by punching him in the kidneys - when he wasn't expecting it]

Sam Tyler: Ow! Shit!

Annie Cartwright: I'm sorry, sir!

[Gene enters, seeing the two bent over]

Gene Hunt: Hey hey, good girl, prostate probe and no jelly!

Gene Hunt: [To Sam] Where are you today, then? Here, or Planet of the Clangers?

[Open University is on TV, presenter's geometry-exercising turns into medical diagnostics from 2006.]

Sam: [alerted and denying he'd be in a deep coma] Wait! I’m in BUPA! Get me out of here!

[means he's got a private health insurance -British United Provident Association-]

Gene Hunt: Right, we pulled a bird in, Dora Keanes. She was the last person to see the victim alive.

Sam Tyler: Is she a suspect?

Gene Hunt: Nope, just a pain in the arse.

Sam Tyler: Okay, alright, brief me in full. What do I need to know?

Gene Hunt: [Slightly nonplussed] She's a pain in the arse.

[They arrive outside the lost property office]

Sam Tyler: What, so you've handed her into lost property?

Chris Skelton: Well, we could use the canteen, but she's a right mouthy bird, this one.

Sam Tyler: Hang on, you're going to do the interview in there?

Gene Hunt: Thick walls.

[Gene Hunt violently pushes a table aside]

Gene Hunt: I'm done with this game. Let's play another. Let's play, eh, hopscotch or pin the tail on a donkey. You pick, Dora.

Dora Keens: I want a lawyer.

Gene Hunt: I wanna hump Britt Eklund, what are we gonna do?

Sam Tyler:I need a drink.

Gene Hunt: That's the first sensible thing you've said since you got here.

Sam Tyler:[To Nelson] And which part of my subconcious do you hail from?

Gene Hunt: I may be a sheriff, but I'm a deputy to the law.

Nelson: What can I get you, man, raise your spirits?

Sam Tyler: Diet Coke, please.

[Blank look on the landlord's face]

Sam Tyler: Just kidding, a pint of bitter.

Sam Tyler: Large whiskey please.

Nelson: [With heavy Jamaican accent] Drink ain't gonna fix things. What am I saying? I run a pub. Of course it will fix things!

Sam Tyler: I'm lost, Nelson. I'm really lost.

Nelson: [Suddenly switching to a Mancunian accent] You ain't lost, pal. You're where you are, and you have to make the best of it. It's all you can do.

[Sam looks surprised]

Nelson: Keep it to yourself, eh? Folks just seem happier with the other Nelson.

[Sam has asked Annie to contribute to the investigation - much to the jeers of the other male detectives]

Sam Tyler: Now the victim wasn't gagged. Why didn't he gag her Annie?

Annie Cartwright: Because he needed to, er, he needed to see her mouth, her lips. We have to see the things that we value.

Sam Tyler: Now put yourselves in the mind of this man. You're lonely. Every night you dream of this girl, and she's got big eyes and red ruby lips. So you go out and you find that girl, and you bring her home. But you don't gag her, cos you want to see those ruby lips, but you just can't bring yourself to kiss 'em.

Annie Cartwright: He'd get embarrassed, angry, he'd start to blame the girl. It's her fault, she's taunting him by just being there.

Sam Tyler: And then one day you just snap. Strangle her, using bootlace, and the cycle starts all over again with a different girl. And this time, you're positive that you're going to be brave enough to kiss her.

Annie Cartwright: Only you won't be.

[To a handful of kids, staring at his car]

Gene Hunt: Anything happens to this motor, I'll come 'round your houses and stamp on all your toys. Got it? Good kids.

[When Sam - disorientated - is standing on a building roof, intending to jump and 'wake up']

Annie Cartwright: We all feel like jumping sometimes, Sam. But we don't, you and me. Because we're not cowards.

[After taking Annie's hand]

Sam Tyler: What's that on your hand? Is that grit?

Annie Cartwright: Sand. When I was running up here, I tripped and I fell against the fire bucket.

Sam Tyler: [Tormented] See, why would I think of something like that? Why would I put that kind of detail in it?

Annie Cartwright: You wouldn't.

The New World [1.2]

[credits introduction to every episode apart from episode 1]

Sam Tyler: My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident, and I woke up in 1973. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time? Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet. Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home.

[Sam Tyler asks Leonard, a witness, the registration number of the car that he saw]

Leonard: E...dunno.

Gene Hunt: Sorry, was that you saying the letter E and then you don't know the rest, or was that you saying "Ee, I dunno!"?

Sam Tyler: This place is like Guantanamo Bay.

Gene Hunt: Give over, it's nothing like Spain.

[To Phyllis Dobbs, custody sergeant, talking about a witness that he's just brought in]

Sam Tyler: He's a key witness. So could you treat him like a person, Phyllis. D'you remember "people"? You used to be one!

[Gene is looking at a poster for The Good, The Bad And The Ugly]

Sam Tyler: Which one are you?

Gene Hunt: All three.

Test Card Girl: Do you not like me with my clown? I can see I make you frown. When on Earth will all this end? I'm your friend, your only friend.

Gene Hunt: Tits in a jumper, maybe a result.

[Sam & Gene are questioning a suspect]

Gene Hunt: You know, if you were Pinocchio you'd have just poked my eye out!

[Sam and Annie are standing on the steps outside, Gene Hunt approaches with a witness 'Leonard' who Annie has just agreed to watch overnight]

Sam Tyler: Annie's going to sit with him tonight.

Gene Hunt: Hey, Leonard! Fanny in the flat! Nice work!

Sam Tyler: Look, I was thinking, guv. I know having me here is difficult for you. What if I went back?

Gene Hunt: To Hyde?

Sam Tyler: Is that possible?

Gene Hunt: I'll get on the blower.

[Gene picks up the phone]

Sam Tyler: You can do that? You can just send me back to where I came from?

Gene Hunt: [on phone] Hello, is that the Wizard of Oz? [to Sam] The Wizard'll sort it out. It's because of the wonderful things he does.

The Stabbing [1.3]

[Sam's coming down the one-way street with some food in both hands, about to step on the walkway when a cyclist from behind almost hits him]

Sam Tyler: Oi! [upset] Keep it on the road! [walks along some steps, adding semi-joking/sternly] Comin' 'round your house, stamp on your toys!"

[After hearing his mothers voice on the police radio, followed by that of Phyllis, the police receptionist]

Sam Tyler: Phyllis, is that you?

Phyllis: No, it's Jane Fonda on the hunt for men!

Chris Skelton: Bingo! I got one. Martin Ellis, lorry driver. Waiting for a fabrics pick-up at 2:30 this morning. Spotted a thickset man running of the loom hall.

Sam Tyler: Good, can I see it?

[Chris shows Sam a black and white picture with a head looking like a butternut squash with ears]

Sam Tyler: Chris, have you ever seen anybody that looks like that?

Chris Skelton: It's the best we could do.

Sam Tyler: It's a doddle, then. We're looking for someone with hamster's cheeks, a nose like Audrey Hepburn and a two-foot forehead.

Ted Bannister: You're not on your own. Nobody is! Not unless you want to be.

[To another police officer examining blood on the floor]

Gene Hunt: Oi! Hairy Mary, shift yourself. You're in the way.

Sam Tyler: Let him do his job.

Gene Hunt: Chief culprit is Ted Bannister. I want him in custody by teatime.

Sam Tyler: What, because he spoke first?

Gene Hunt: 'Cos he's guilty as sin, and he's a Commie bastard.

Sam Tyler: Sorry, that's bollocks. Total rubbish.

Gene Hunt: You're just itching to get your blood-spillage book out, aren't ya!

Sam Tyler: You're making him prime suspect based on what, a hunch?

Gene Hunt: Is my name 'Coco'?

Sam Tyler: What?

Gene Hunt: Why are you trying to make me look like a clown? Litton's gonna have a field day when he finds out you left four untraceable shooters out there.

Sam Tyler: This isn't about Litton. And don't blame me for this. You dumped it on me!

Gene Hunt: I thought you said you could multi... story... task... Whatever!

Gene Hunt: Say goodnight, Gracie, and sit down. I said sit down!

Ted Bannister: Look. You've gotta open the mill. We can't afford to lose this order.

Gene Hunt: The mill stays shut until our inquiry is over.

Ted Bannister: [shouting] For god's sakes!

Gene Hunt: [shouting] SIT DOWN, OR I'LL SIT YOU DOWN! NOW!

[To Sam about the tin of Party Seven beer]

Gene Hunt: Oi, Romeo. Are we gonna open this bog water or what?

Gene Hunt: [about Ted Bannister] Tenner says he did it.

Sam Tyler: This is-

Gene Hunt: Tenner and a tin of Party Seven.

Sam Tyler: If you think that I'm going to reduce a murder investigation to the level of a playground bet--

Gene Hunt: [to the accompaniment of chicken noises from Ray] Cowardy cowardy custard. Can't cut the mustard.

[Preparing guns before the shoot-out]

Ray Carling: Yeah, but can you hit anything?

Sam Tyler: You should see my Playstation scores.

Gene Hunt: Drop your weapons! You are surrounded by armed bastards!

Gene Hunt: What's your problem,Tyler?

Sam Tyler: My problem!?! My problem...would rock...your...world!

A Conflict of Interests [1.4]

Gene Hunt: Will someone please put some bog roll in the toilets! I've just had to wipe my arse on Francis Lee!

[To the woman who - on orders from a local gangster - set him up for a 'honey trap]

Sam Tyler: You're a loser, Joni... or whatever your name is. Because you live in fear. And that's not really living at all, is it? See, I don't live in fear. I'm alive.

[Bursting in on Stephen Warren, who is performing an act of oral sex on another man]

Gene Hunt: I'm not a Catholic me'self Mr Warren, but isn't there something in the Bible about "Thou shalt not suck off rent boys"?

Warren: How dare you come in here!

Gene Hunt: You could have said that to the boy.

Gene Hunt: You think you know everything, don't you?

Sam Tyler: I know the stench of rotten apples.

Gene Hunt: Yeah? And I know your slag is lying through her teeth and do you wanna know why?

Sam Tyler: Yeah, why?

Gene Hunt: Steven Warren is a bum bandit. Do you understand? A poof! A fairy! A queer! A queen! Fudge packer! Uphill Gardener! Fruit picking sodomite!

Sam Tyler: He's gay?

Gene Hunt: As a bloody Christmas Tree! Mind you, he is a little touchy on the subject, being a twisted Catholic with an elderly mother and all, so I wouldn't go mentioning it to him... You challenged his authority so he stitched you up like a kipper. Pretty girl appealed to your vanity as the only decent sheriff in Dodge City. Slipped you a Mickey, tied you up and bounced on your ding-a-ling.

Sam Tyler: Why?

Gene Hunt: I suspect the answer will lie in the post. Photos, you idiot.

[Tyler and Hunt have forced one of Warren's men to strip to his underwear in his cold store, to encourage him to answer their questions]

Gene Hunt: My friend is going to ask you some questions. Personally I hope you don't answer them because I want you to die in here and end up inside a pork pie.

[ Sweet is playing loudly in a club]

Gene Hunt: Do you like this music?

Sam Tyler: Yeah, I do, don't you?

Gene Hunt: It's just a lot a noise, really. Me and the wife like, eh, Roger Whittaker. Well, lot more her than me. D'ya know him?

Sam Tyler: Not intimately.

Gene Hunt: Keep it to yourself. We all have our dirty little secrets

Sam Tyler: Indeed we do.

The Footie [1.5]

[Gene and Sam need to get a pub landlord out of the way so that they can go undercover]

Gene Hunt: Ray! Go and arrest the landlord of the Trafford Arms

Ray Carling:What for?

Gene Hunt: Think of something on the way

[Later]

Gene Hunt: In a bizarre twist of fate the landlord was arrested this afternoon.... on suspicion of Cattle Rustling

[Ray takes a bow and receives a round of applause]

Sam Tyler: We havent got any plates.

Gene Hunt:Improvise!

[a little while later]

Men in the Trafford Arms: What's this?

Sam Tyler: It's chicken...in a basket.

Ray Carling: I'm arresting you for the theft of a motor vehicle, resisting arrest... and driving like a div.

Ray Carling: Chris, yer a div. Get in.

Sam Tyler: If it was to do with football, he'd have serious injuries.

Gene Hunt: He's dead. That's quite serious.

Gene Hunt: There will never be a woman prime minister as long as I have a hole in my arse.

Gene Hunt: Oi! Referee! Has anyone ever told you you need glasses, you dozy git? Next time, I run you over!

Ray Carling: I think it was a heart attack.

Gene Hunt: Then it must've exploded out of his arse, there's blood all down his back.

Gene Hunt: Time to liven things up a bit. Hard to keep your stories straight when you're pissed. You ask my missus.

Sam Tyler: I'm not sure that's ethical.

Gene Hunt: It's not. It's vodka.

Test Card Girl: Why did you promise him, Sam? Daddies always let you down, don't they?

Gene Hunt: Juries love all that. Makes 'em feel like Columbo.

[To Peter Bond, a football fan who has beat Colin Clay, a fellow supporter, to death in order to provoke a riot between opposing supporters]

Sam Tyler: You know nothing about football! [Punches Bond, winding him] I used to go to football with my dad. United and City fans used to walk to the match together. Our next door neighbour, he had a City flag up in his window. Kids used to play together in the street - red and blue. But then people like you came along and you took it away from us.

Peter Bond: A good punch up's all part of the game! It's about pride. Pride in your team. Being the best!

Sam Tyler: No it isn't! This is how it starts and then it escalates. It gets on the telly and in the press, and then other fans from other clubs start trying to out do each other. And then it becomes about hate! And then it's nothing to do with football any more! It's about gangs and scumbags like you roaming the country seeing who can cause the most trouble. And then we overreact, and we have to put up perimeter fences and we treat the fans like animals! Forty, fifty thousand people herded into pens! And then how long before something happens, eh? How long before something terrible happens and we are dragging bodies out?

[Snatching Bond's ticket for the match away from him]

Peter Bond: That's mine!

Sam Tyler: This doesn't belong to you. This belongs to decent people, who work hard all week and take their kids to the match on a Saturday! People like Colin Clay!

[After the case has been resolved, proving both Gene and Sam equally correct about the crime]

Gene Hunt: I'm ready anytime.

Sam Tyler: [Bewildered] For what?

Gene Hunt: An apology. Was this or was this not about football?

Sam Tyler: Was the killer drinking with him in the Trafford Arms?

Gene Hunt: Don't make excuses; I'm right, you're wrong, admit it. Was this about about football?

Sam Tyler: Not in the way you thought.

Gene Hunt: Still about football!

Sam Tyler: The only reason we caught him was because I persuaded you to go undercover! All you were doing before that was dragging hooligans in!

Gene Hunt: Still about football!

Sam Tyler: [Frustrated] You just will not be proved wrong, will you?! You know, that's very childish!

Gene Hunt: No it is not.

Sam Tyler: [Childishly] Is!

Gene Hunt: [Equally childishly] Isn't!

[Ray walks into shot, wearing a Manchester United scarf and freezes once he sees Sam and Gene]

Sam Tyler: I thought he had flu?

Gene Hunt: Sergeant!

[Ray makes a run for it]

Gene Hunt: [chasing] Come back 'ere you skiving little git!

The Deadline [1.6]

Gene Hunt: I reckon we can take him, I'll jump on him, you take his gun and Cartwright can jump up and down on his knackers.

Sam Tyler: We need an inner cordon as well as this one. Think of it as two circles, one inside the other. The area in the centre is out of limits to everybody but us.

Gene Hunt: Fair enough.

Sam Tyler: Call it the doughnut.

Gene Hunt: Jam or custard?

Sam Tyler: Now you're just being silly.

Gene Hunt: I'm not the one calling it a doughnut

Hugo Barton: [runs towards the team] Excuse me!

Sam Tyler: Excuse me sir, can you go back behind the cordon, please.

Hugo Barton: Hugo Barton. I'm a reporter from the Gazette.

Gene Hunt: Oh, terrific. [shouts at the hostage taker] Oi! We've got another one for you!

Sam Tyler: Guv.

Hugo Barton: He walked in about 40 minutes ago; he was just ahead of me. He pulled a gun; he means business.

Gene Hunt: Y'know, I'd listen to the snot in my hankie before I'd listen to you.

Sam Tyler: I'M ALIVE!

Sam Tyler: His only way of talking to the outside world will be through-

Gene Hunt: Us

Sam Tyler: Me. I'm the negotiator.

Gene Hunt: I'll make you a hat.

Gene Hunt: Always trust the Gene Genie!

Wrongful Death [1.7]

Gene Hunt: Now is not the time to have a one night stand with your conscience.

Gene Hunt: You so much as belch out of line and I'll have your scrotum on a barbed wire plate.

Nelson: I set the rules here.

[just caught by DCI Hunt]

Billy Kemble: Oh, bollocks.

Gene Hunt: My thoughts exactly.

[to Sam]

Gene Hunt: You're never happy unless you're making my life complicated, are ya.

Andrea Kemble: He your boss? What would I get for smacking him one?

Sam Tyler: A round of applause from half our station.

Sam Tyler: If we can't police ourselves, how are the public supposed to trust us?

Gene Hunt: The public don't give a damn what we do, as long as we get results.

Sam Tyler: You're wrong.

Sam Tyler: [yelling] GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Gene Hunt: I don't know... [pause] ... who the biggest dickhead is round here. [to Ray Carling] You, for what happened... [to Sam] You, for your holier than thou act... or me, for having any of you on my team.

The Good Father [1.8]

[Reading a title of a pornographic film]

Gene Hunt: Once Upon A Time In Her Vest? [disgusted] You dare to pollute the glorious genre of the American Western?

[To Annie, touching her cheek]

Sam Tyler: Just so that you know. I don't hate everything about this place.

Gene Hunt: I think you've forgotten who you're talking to.

Sam Tyler: An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?

Gene Hunt: You make that sound like a bad thing.

Vic Tyler: I've got a young lad named Sam.

Gene Hunt: I've got a pain in the arse called Sam!

Gene Hunt: [disgusted] Looks like they've been thinking up [porn movie] titles.. Listen to this: "On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix".

[Last lines of the first series]

Ray Carling: So, what do you want to do now, Guv?

Gene Hunt: [thinks for a moment] Pub!

Ray Carling: [smirks] Pub.

Chris Skelton: [grins] Pub.

Sam Tyler: [looks at the other three men in turn, slowly smiles] Pub.

[All get in car and drive off]

Helpless [2.1]

[Regarding Gene Hunt]

Superintendent Harry Wolfe: You're a lucky man, Tyler. You've got the best here.

Sam Tyler: [Heavy sarcasm] I weep with happiness every morning, sir.

Superintendent Harry Wolfe: I'm saying it to all divisions; city needs to feel safe, Gene. Point is, this is under the glare, so let's make it clean and let's make it count, yes?

Sam Tyler: Would that be... 'by the book', sir?

Superintendent Harry Wolfe: Yes, that's it - by the jolly old book.

Sam Tyler: [To Gene, smugly] Let's get this party started.

Sam Tyler: Oh, you're gonna bang heads? Let joy be unconfined.

[to Ray Carling whom he had demoted a few months ago]

Gene Hunt: Good work, Raymondo. I'm bumping you back up to DS... only this time make it stand for Detective Sergeant and not Dog Shit!

Sam Tyler: We pull him in, we put the squeeze on him. Why is that so hard for you to agree to?

Gene Hunt: Because I am policing in the full glare of the public bloody eye, and the Chief Super is taking a personal interest and we also have no flipping evidence! And I can't believe I just said that!

Chris Skelton: Boss? Bloody hell, you look like something out of the Addam's Family.

Sam Tyler: Up all night.

Chris Skelton: Oh aye. What was her name?

Sam Tyler: Migraine.

Chris Skelton: German bird?

Gene Hunt: Tell 'em to bring a big-

Sam Tyler: (Correcting him) Bastard-big

Gene Hunt: -Bastard-big sedative.

The Safe-Cracker [2.2]

Gene Hunt: Don't move, you are surrounded by armed bastards!

Superintendent Harry Wolfe: He would be my nemesis, if he could spell it!

Gene Hunt: [to Sam] You always do this to me - I run in certain and walk out confused!

[Before an undercover sting operation, Annie is equipped with a gun]

Annie Cartwright: I haven't received any firearms training. That's not right...

Gene Hunt: [Exasperated] Y'see, this is why birds and CID don't mix. Give a bloke a gun, it's a dream come true. Give a girl one, and she moans it doesn't go with her dress! Now start behaving like a detective and show some balls.

Annie Cartwright: Thanks for being so sympathetic, sir. Let's hope you don't end up in my firing line. [Annie storms out]

Gene Hunt: [Slightly alarmed] Did she just threaten to shoot me?!

Superintendent Harry Wolfe: Got a very bright future ahead of her, that lass.

[Gene has locked Sam in the boot of his car after Sam has investigated alleged corruption charges against Gene's mentor]

Gene Hunt: The rules go like this; you're my officer, you do as I say!

Sam Tyler: I was following my instincts...

Gene Hunt: Well, I should charge your instincts with wasting police time!

Glen Fletcher: Don't take this the wrong way, DI Tyler, but you're a mental case.

The Bombing [2.3]

Sam Tyler: Look, you know when I said I wasn't wrong? Well, I was. But, I was right about this not being the IRA. I was right to follow my instincts. Just like you always say, "go with your gut feeling". Just taking your lead.

Gene Hunt: So I'm right?

Sam Tyler: We both are.

Gene Hunt: Right.

Sam Tyler: Right.

Gene Hunt: Just as long as I'm more right than you.

Gene Hunt: What is it you think I'm doing here, Tyler?

[Sarcastically under his breath]

Sam Tyler: Building a Death Star?

Gene Hunt: What?

Sam Tyler: Nothing.

Gene Hunt: If you think I'm gonna let you walk away from this investigation, than you're in for an even bigger disappointment than when we found out the plonk Doris Bangs was a name and not a promise!

Suburban Swingers [2.4]

Chris Skelton: Woman in her twenties, dead.

Gene Hunt: Well I didn't think she was sunbathing, did I?!

[Ordering the hunt for a murderer]

Gene Hunt: This is my city. And it will be a safe place for my wife and my mum to walk around in. Is that understood?

Detectives: Yes, guv.

Gene Hunt: [Sternly] Right. Find out who the dead woman was, find out who killed her. Do it now.

[He checks his watch]

Gene Hunt: Hold up, hold up. Do it tomorrow morning, first thing. [Brightly] Beer o'clock, gentlemen.

Gene Hunt: So? He pushed a bird out a car. That doesn't make him a bad bloke.

[Sam gives him a look]

Gene Hunt: Oh alright, pull him in! I'll dance the fandango on his head!

Sam Tyler: Roger Twilling, 44 years old, successful businessman, very popular in the business community, gives a lot to charity.

Gene Hunt: I hate people who give to charity.

Gene Hunt: Murderers do not play tennis!

Sam Tyler: Well, this one does.

Sam Tyler: It's called surveillance.

Gene Hunt: Doesn't sound very manly.

[Breaking into Twilling's car showroom]

Chris Skelton: It's freezing out here.

Gene Hunt: I don't like this. Gene Hunt smashes doors down, he does not pick girlie locks!

Sam Tyler: We can't just pull him in. He's too clever for that. At least this way we get hard evidence.

Gene Hunt: I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the Lancashire Constabulary Dinner and Dance, me.

Sam Tyler: Believe it or not, guv, one day soon, something like this will bring down Richard Nixon.

Gene Hunt: Hard to believe.

Sam Tyler: True. This is serious.

Ray Carling: So where do you want this transmitter?

Sam Tyler: Up here

Gene Hunt: Chris, bend down.

Chris Skelton: What for?

Gene Hunt: Just do it

[Chris bends over to give Gene a step up]

Sam Tyler: Right, look...

[A police car with sirens on shoots past outside]

Gene Hunt: [alarmed] The law, the law, get down you divs!

[Everyone ducks down, before Sam reappears when the car has gone]

Sam Tyler: We are the law, you bloody clowns! God help us!

Annie Cartwright: Darling, meet Roger and Carol.

Sam Tyler: [shaking hands] Hi, Tony Blair.

(Gene Hunt barges into Tyler's sting operation, with a woman in tow)

Roger Twilling: Tony, who is this man?

Sam Tyler: This is... This is my friend, Gordon. Gordon Brown. And his wife... Uh...

Gene Hunt: You know that guy in the Bible who tried to get a camel through the eye of a needle?

Sam Tyler: That would be ... Jesus.

Gene Hunt: Well, had nothing on Mrs Luckhurst.

Ray Carling: So how'd your date go?

Chris Skelton: Oh...I-I won't be seeing her again.

Ray Carling: Don't tell me. Upstairs outside and you got a slap!

Sam Tyler: [about Gene's 'wife' at the wife-swapping party] Where'd she come from?

Gene Hunt: Suki? Let her off an arrest last week for lewd behaviour. She owed me.

Sam Tyler: She's a prostitute?

Suki: I am here, you know!

Gene Hunt: Well, you didn't think I was gonna fetch me own wife here, did you?!

Chris Skelton: What's a vol-au-vent?

Ray Carling: It's puff pastry shell filled with a savoury meat mixture.

Chris Skelton: So its a pie then.

The Kidnapping [2.5]

[The show opens with the introduction to Camberwick Green]

Camberwick Green Narrator: This is a box. A magical box, playing a magical tune. But inside this box, there lies a surprise. Do you know who's in it today? [A toy version of Sam appears] It's Sam Tyler! Hello, Sam.

[Toy Sam waves]

Camberwick Green Narrator: How are you today?

[Toy Sam puts his head in his hands]

Camberwick Green Narrator: Oh dear. Not very happy. Is it Gene Hunt?

[Toy Sam nods]

Camberwick Green Narrator: Is he kicking in a nonce?

[Toy Sam points - cut to a toy version of Gene Hunt, beating up another toy in a dark alley. Toy Gene and the nonce wave to the camera, then Gene hits the other toy repeatedly with a dustbin lid]

[To a person threatening to hang themselves]

Chris Skelton: C'mon, Mr. Lamb. I always say there's a time to take off the noose, and put on the kettle.

Annie Cartwright: We were hoping you could be a voice of reason...

Sam Tyler: [Feverishly intense] I came out of a musical box.

Annie Cartwright:... a stabilizing influence...

Sam Tyler: I can just about handle you, driving like a pissed up crackhead and treating women like beanbags. But I'm going to say this once, and once only, Gene. Stay out of Camberwick Green!

Gene Hunt: Chris, what are you writing down?

Chris Skelton: Her statement.

Gene Hunt: Right, add this. Your son Mrs. Bathurst, was a cold-hearted killer and if there's a hell, he's going there to be poked up the arse with sharp fiery sticks, forever and ever, Amen.

Chris Skelton: There's an e in fiery, isn't there?

Sam Tyler: And with time slipping away, do we really want to put all our eggs in the same basket. If the kidnapper's still at large we might be able to lure him out.

Gene Hunt: How?

Sam Tyler: That note was a cry for justice.

Gene Hunt: And I ask again, only slightly louder, HOW?!!!

Gene Hunt: Right, Scotland Yard are sending up some sort of kleptomaniac.

Sam Tyler: Cryptographer!

Gene Hunt: Whatever.

Annie Cartwright: Sam's still out cold, Doc says he may need to go to hospital for blood tests.

Gene Hunt: I know what blood group he is, A-Rhesus-Smug.

A Deadly Drug [2.6]

Chris Skelton: I wonder what killed him?.

Gene Hunt: That would be the bloody enormous hole in his chest where the bullet went in!

Annie Cartwright: Boss, there's a viscous yellow liquid in his ear....

Gene Hunt: No, that's the drip from my fried egg butty, love. Well done Miss Marple, that's why we need women detectives...

Gene Hunt: Blardy, blardy, history bloody blardy. It doesn't take a degree in applied bollocks to know what's going on!

Sam Tyler: Go on then, amaze me with your insubstantial GUESSWORK!

Gene Hunt: Now. Yesterday's shooting. The dealers are all so scared we're more likely to get Helen Keller to talk. The Paki in a coma's about as lively as Liberace's dick when he's looking at a naked woman, all in all this investigation's going at the speed of a spastic in a magnet factory.

Sam Tyler, aghast, drops the radio he is holding.

Gene Hunt: What?

Sam Tyler: Think you might have missed out the Jews

Gene Hunt: What?

Sam Tyler: I think we need to explore whether this attempted murder was a hate crime.

Gene Hunt: What as opposed to one of those I-really-really-like-you sort of murders?

Sam Tyler: Maybe the NF shot him, left the heroin there, to make him look bad.

Gene Hunt: The NF are too stupid for that. They could stick a shotgun up my arse and pull the trigger, they'd still miss

Sam Tyler: I'd still like to explore the racially motivated line of enquiry.

Gene Hunt: And I'd like my boot to explore your jacksie, come on Tyler, where's the evidence you're so fond of?

Sam Tyler: Because I loved her!

Gene Hunt: You great... soft... sissy... girlie... nancy... French... bender... Man United supporting POOF!!

Sam Tyler: I think she's telling the truth.

Gene Hunt: I think she's as fake as a tranny's fanny.

Sam Tyler: I still think we need to entertain the possibility that this could be a racial killing..

Gene Hunt: Oh, well let's entertain it, let's take it out for a prawn cocktail, a steak and a bottle of Liebfraumilch, then let's kick it into the gutter where it belongs!

Gene Hunt: Drugs eh? What's the point. They make you forget, make you talk funny, make you see things that aren't there. My old grandma got all of that for free when she had a stroke.

[Speaking to a White Supremacist after he claims himself superior]

Sam Tyler: Superior?! You're not superior to an amoeba with special needs..

[Interviewing Layla at the station]

Layla: About 8:30, straight after I left Sam's flat, he was still alive.

Gene Hunt: Straight after you left Sam's flat?

Sam Tyler: She needed protection.

Gene Hunt: Well I hope you used some!

[Interviewing Layla at the station]

Layla: He's really freaking me out, can we get him out of here?

Gene Hunt: I'd love nothing better, piss off Tyler!

Gene Hunt: He's got fingers in more pies than a leper on a cookery course.

Gene Hunt: She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.

[The rest of the team break in to find Sam lying tied up with an iron on his chest]

Sam Tyler: There was a power cut.

Gene Hunt: Thank God for OPEC, eh?

Sam Tyler: Gene...not to come over all 'Dorothy', but I could help you. Everyone's traceable, even in this day and age. I could help you find your brother.

Gene Hunt: I already did, Sam. Just not in time.

[Catching White Supremacist after throwing brick through a window]

White Supremacist: What you doing, mate? You're one of us.

Sam Tyler: What, a dyslexic, racist moron?

[After finding out that Annie was kidnapped]

Gene Hunt: If Annie dies, then it will be on your sodding record!

[Finding Annie]

Sam Tyler: You all right? did they hurt you?

Annie Cartwright: I'm still here aren't I?

The Shooting [2.7]

Gene Hunt: Listen, you're not the one who's going to have to knit himself a new arse after 25 years of aggressive male affection in prison showers, I'm coming with you!.

[Sam startles Gene by waking screaming from a nightmare]

Sam Tyler: I was just dreaming.

Gene Hunt: What I call a dream involves Diana Dors and a bottle of chip oil! That's what you call a guilty conscience, my friend.

Sam Tyler: What?

Gene Hunt: The root of nightmares.

Sam Tyler: My conscience is clear, thank you very much.

Gene Hunt: Yeah, well, as for me, I slept like a baby! [Flops back down onto the bed]

Sam Tyler: Yeah, a twenty stone baby. Burps, snores and farts.

Gene Hunt: [sitting bolt upright] I do NOT snore!

Undercover [2.8]

[Sam and Gene are having another discussion about police work]

Sam Tyler: Our definitions of policing may vary marginally.

Gene Hunt: And yours is?

Sam Tyler: Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law.

Gene Hunt: Training college?

Sam Tyler: Robocop. [Pause] You can't uphold the law by breaking it.

[Sam has just revealed that he is betraying Gene]

Annie Cartwright: That's why you're leaving, isn't it? I bet sometimes you can't look at yourself in the mirror.

[Starts to cry]

Annie Cartwright: I listened to all your problems and worries, and I can't believe I felt sorry for you.

[Slaps Sam]

Annie Cartwright: Hurts, doesn't it? That's because it's real !

Ray Carling: I met a bird, medical bird.

Sam Tyler: Called nurses.

Ray Carling: Big tits, arse like two cox's pippins in a bag.

Sam Tyler: She sounds enigmatic.

Ray Carling: No, boss, she was from Barnsley.

Sam Tyler: Tell me...

Annie Cartwright: Tell you what, Sam?

Sam Tyler: Tell me what I should do, Annie.

[Pause]

Annie Cartwright: [Emotionally] Stay. Here. Forever.

Sam Tyler: Okay, then. I will.

[They kiss]

[Gene pulls up in the car]

Sam Tyler: You shouldn't be driving with that leg.

Gene Hunt: Well, I am.

Sam Tyler: You were shot.

Gene Hunt: Yeah, and so will you be in a minute if you don't get in!

Gene Hunt: Shut up, you noncey-arsed fairy boy.

Sam Tyler: Such elegant banter.

Sam Tyler You're not above the law, you know!

Gene Hunt What're you on about? I AM THE LAW!

Taglines

Back in the nick of time
Two cops in the same town at the same time... 33 years apart

Cast

John Simm as Sam Tyler
Philip Glenister as Gene Hunt
Dean Andrews as Ray Carling
Marshall Lancaster as Chris Skelton
Liz White as Annie Cartwright

Quoternity