MADtv

Orlando Jones

• "Howdy folks." [the audience would then respond by saying "Howdy Orlando Jones!"]

Mary Scheer

• "Stewardess!"

• "Welcome to the prison sisterhood."

• "I lost a good friend...I had him killed."

• "Sister, My sister, how could I have hurt you, I'll never desert you, no more pain, we're sisters together again..will never hurt you, I love you, I love!"

• "You like? I like."

Nicole Sullivan

• "Is this one of those times when i've gone too far?" [when, in a skit, in addition to getting to know that she had acted in a porn movie and done drugs, she was a 'guy' in high school, her co-stars walk away from the set; which was, apparently the exact replica of her room]

• Antonia: "Anythings possible"

Alex Borstein

• Miss Swann: "He looka like a man."

• Miss Swann: "Oh yeah man someone want to die tonigh' an his name I'... uhh... whas you name?"

• Miss Swann: "I'm Bunny Swann. You know, Bunny the vampire slayoh."

• Miss Swann: "Oh t'is candy taste likea Alpo"

• Store Owner: "Miss, it's marzipan. It's a fancy French candy."

• Miss Swann: "Poopie tase' bettah tan dis."

• Miss Swan': "Okay I tell you everythang'"

Will Sasso

• "Hi I'm Kenny Rogers."

• "AHHH AHHH a ghost!"

• "Hello and welcome to Paul Timberman's Workshop..."

• [talking to Bryan McFadden]"Hey Carson what's up?!" [McFadden] "Uhh.. actually I'm Bryan McFadden from MTV's TRL." [Kenny] "I don't give a McDamn who you are!"

• (As Tony Soprano) "You know what I dont need this sh--." "We dont have no gabba goo. So shut the fu--". "Why dont you stop breakin' my bal--". "HEY, Watch your fu--".(The last few letters of every swear is censored due to being on Network TV).

• " I was raised on the dairy BITCH"

Aries Spears

• "...and I'm Belma Buttons"

• "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

• "The Puddn' POP!"

• "You greedy, little bitches."

Michael McDonald

• Stuart: "People who talk dirty, grow up to be democrats"

• Stuart: "Let me do it."

• Stuart: "Vain little boys often grow up to be homosexuals."

• Stuart: "I don't want to say it."

• Stuart: "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!"

• Stuart: "Mommy says smoking's for Europeans and white trash."

• Stuart: "Mommy says those who are whispering are either sneaky or homosexual."

• Stuart: "Mommy says dont talk to stangers except lesbians because they take good care of their cats and have a 'go getter' attitude."

• Stuart: "I dun wanna!"

• Stuart: "God put a patch of praising where you're goo-goo should be!"

• Stuart: (Being shown pictures in therapy) "Dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother, dead mother...nice mother."

• Stuart: (After talking about Harvey Machanthaler) . . . and then we'll burn his house down."

• Stuart: "NO SNEAKERS, BOOTS!"

• Stuart: *whining* "NOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOON'T!"

• Marvin: "Come on."

• Marvin: "Can anyone see my penis? I haven't seen it since Charlie's Angels was on."

• Joe Rogan: "Welcome to Fear Factor, I'm Joel Rogland...Rojum? Well, the cue cards are going a little fast, maybe we can slow 'em down? The stunts you are about to see are very, very dangerous. Try them at home...Whatever I just said, there's supposed to be a 'don't' in there somewhere, so, maybe we can slow the cue cards down, huh?"

• Gay Guy: Scatter!

• Andra: You're right. You're my gay best friend, and you're right.

• Andra: Do you remember when we bought this, and I asked you if my hips looked big, and you said no, and I said, 'Thank you for lying'?

Stephnie Weir

• Gale Cinder: "Well backstage they told us not to disagree with you but... uh, yes I do have a family, 45 cats. No, I'm sorry. 44.. uh, cats. I just lost uh... 'Boogieboard'"

• Christy Brinkly: "That's as high as it will go John, WE NEED CLAMPS!"

• "Fat is just skinny with an attitude!"

• "Crazy is just sane on a lunch break!"

• Dot: "This hand is so little, and this hand is so big!"

• "Are you crazy! Gloves come in twos, Jesus said so!"

• "With Jesus and Black magic on my side you couldn't have gone far!"

• "I got the sissors stuck in my hair"

• "Look at this barbie shes a mexican, shes a latino!"

Frank Caliendo

• John Madden: "Here's a question for you, Christy Brinkly. What was it like when you married Billy Joel?"

• Arod Alronnie: "First, it's the Sony Sand Devil All-purpose Karaoke Machine!"

• [in a Strip Club in Jacksonville, Florida; talking to Ike's mom on his cell phone] "He's in a Strip club!"

Bobby Lee

• "Take a step into my Daewoo"

• "It's like...UH-OH HOT DOG!"

• (After cleaning a vehicle with the Vehicular Verbalert System) "It is clean."
• "Good evening I'm Connie Chung"

• "Maury!"

• [With Asian Accent] "Freeeeezzzzzaaa LAPD!"

(As Cho, after he is told he does not normally do something he is yelled at for doing)

• "Sometimes I do."

• "Name's Tank!"

Jill Michelle Meleán

• "I'm not a child"

• "Love left because we yelled at it, we called it, 'STUPID!' and 'FAT!', but now it's back so don't call it names. I'm serious."

• "ET's Here!"

• "I needed to stretch my chops so I am going to be playing...the evil queen,I am going to be sooooooo SCARY!"

Ike Barinholtz

• [at the American Idol top 12 Party] "Any other event and he'd be getting the shit kicked out of him."

• [In a Strip Club in Jacksonville, Florida] [phone rings] "Hello? ... Hi, Mom! ... Yeah, I'm in church! ... Yeah, It's a great church. (above) ... No, no, Mom, Itzzzzzza, Prank Caller!"

• [as a singer on "The Price Better Be Right or the Streets Will Run Red With Your Blood"] "Get down, ladies, sing this song, Do da! Do da! Death to America all day long! All the do da day!" [laughter]

Josh Meyers

• As Sherlock in BIRTHDAY TRAIN "I'm gonna Fuddermuck you up! [smashes cupcake in guy's face]"

• As Gheert in GHEERT "How old are you? What grade are you in? Hobbies and interests, yes? What do you like to do in your free time? Have you ever flown in a sky plane before? What would you rather make sex with, girl or BOY?"

• As gay personal trainer in CONDO REPORT "Hey, Golden Girls! Thank you for being a friend! [cocks hip]"

• As husband in DOGGONE CRAZY "It's the dogs! IT'S THE FREAKING DOGS, YOU WACKJOB!!"

• As half-gay guy in IT'S A FOOTBALL THING "Just because a couple guys kiss, and dance a little, and grope each other, and one of them whispers to the other, 'I know you're a man but i'm gonna treat you like a lady,' that doesn't mean they're gay!"

• As doctor in HANGING TOENAIL "[after trying to rip off the patients infected toenail] Yeah, i know. I didn't get it."

• As a gay guy in QUEENIEST POLICE CHASES "Right. Run girls!"

• As Spishak spokesman in SPISHAK "How many times has this happened to you?" "Well, now you can!"

• As James in SCARE TACTICS "[huge smile on his face] Are we in danger?"

Paul Vogt

• "Hey Jeff Probst, my eyes are up here!"

• "Edna does regret wearing a leather thong though!"

• "I vote for Tootie cause Blair was always my favorite."

Daniele Gaither

• "Now Ookay"

• As Dillie May Jackson in CONDO REPORT "Not if you eat one of Muriel stale, old, Duncan Hines brownies. Your butt's gonna explode."

Keegan-Michael Key

• As crazy guy in CRAZY AS HELL NEWS REPORT "It was pandemonium 2004! It was crazy! It was crazy! Crazy as hell! It was crazy as hell!"

• "That's taking it to a whole....'notha.....level"

• As himself in BLACK FRIDAY "Oh, uh, that's not a thumb... i think it's a toe... (to the audience) I'm from Detroit, so..."

• "No you di'int!"

Nicole Parker

• "Oh! Wayne Brady, don't look at this as the end of your career, look at it as the beginning of . . . unemployment."

• Dorothy: "You're not my parents, MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!!!!"

• "I could have left 2 seconds after I got here!"

• Britany Spears: "I dun set fire to my cooking room!"

• Snow White: "Grumpy plays the pipe organ, I clean and talk to all the animals!"

Melissa Paull

• As Shannon Doherty in SCARE TACTICS "Hi, I'm Shannon Doherty. Notorious bad girl, slash bad actress."

Jordan Peele

• Funkenstein: "Funkenstein angry"

• Killbrain the Fury: "Assblowman"

• Broccoli Top: "Hmmm let me 'C', what could it 'B'?"

Crista Flanagan

" I mean come on mom, I've gotta try them on!"

" You shut your unprotectied sex mouth."

Steven Cragg

"I put a hidden camera in my bedroom to film me and my wife having sex"

"Hey, I have a question, who the [CENSORED] is Rodney Carrington?!?"

"...And one of the following statements is true.

A. I created Seinfeld.

B. I have a huge penis.

or C. I'm a writer for MADtv."

(to a bleeding woman)"SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH!" 3X

(to his wife) "All right, I'll turn it off, I'll turn it off (without turning the camera off, he says:) There, I turned it off."

Mo Collins

• Ms. Larken: Stuart! get over here!

• "Now what does mama say about liars?"

• "Now what does mama say about vain little boys?"

• "Ohhh rarhahhh yeahah"

• "We'll be rah rah rah rah right back!"