Mama's Family

Dialogue

Thelma: What does the IRS want with me?

Vinton: Maybe they're going to deliver a package.

Thelma: That's UPS you dipstick!

Aunt Fran: I tell you, there is a book in me!

Mama: And it's gonna stay in there, too!

[On Mama's lawn addressing the press]

Ellen: There's been a mistake, my mama's not running!

Mama: The hell I ain't!

Thelma: Where in blue blazes have you been?

Eunice: (sarcastically) Just fine Mama, thank you and how are you?

[Fran is attempting to teach Thelma how to drive]

Thelma: ...tell me something that I don't know.

Fran: Like what?

Thelma: What's a PRNDL? [pronounced "prindle"]

Fran: A what?!

Thelma: A PRNDL! See, right here: P-R-N-D-L! Right there!

Fran: Thelma, honey, those are your gear designations.

[After Thelma broke Naomi's vacuum]

Naomi: Oh! You ruined it!

Vinton: Now, honey, maybe it just needs a little adjustment.

Naomi: Honey, it is burnt to a crisp!

Thelma: ...and get this pigsty cleaned up! [referring to Vinton and Naomi's basement]

Naomi: This is out personal boudoiure, Mrs. Harper, and I believe it looks just fine.

Thelma: That's because all you ever see of it is the ceiling!

[Thelma is registering for her driver's license]

Man: How much do you weigh?

Thelma: That's none of your business, you skinhead!

Man: I need your weight!

Thelma: You need my hair!

Man: I don't have to give you a license! Next!

Thelma: (grabs his shirt collar) Wait a minute, you listen up you chrome dome! My taxes pay your salary, and if you don't give me that license, I'm going to find you a new job as a reflector button of the highway!

Thelma: Naomi's expecting!

Sonia: Expecting what?

Fran: A baby?

(short pause)

Thelma:(sarcastically) No, Fran, a Mitsubishi!

Ellen: I hope that you didn't park your clunker behind my Seville; I have to be outta here in 30 minutes!

Eunice: First good news I've had all day...

(Ellen, Eunice, Thelma, and Naomi are cleaning jars in the kitchen.)

Thelma: Oh, Naomi, what a sweet thought. No wonder I love you best. You're like the daughter I never had. (Ellen and Eunice have shocked looks on their faces). Why is it that my own girls can't see the beauty in sharing a warm, family moment?

Eunice: I'm the one that brought the dirty jars; you wouldn't have this warm family moment if it wasn't for me.

Eunice: For your information Mama, I was almost splattered clear over that
highway!

...

Thelma: An accident? Are the jars all right?

Eunice: What the hell is the matter with you, you been sniffing them gooseberries?! I just told you I spent three hours dodging semis across three lanes of public highway!

Naomi: Isn't that dangerous?

Eunice: (to Naomi) Come here. Look at me. (pause) Are you in there?!

Naomi: How does this thing work? I've never dried a dry jar before.

Eunice: I think you stepped off one curb too many.

Thelma: Naomi, did you remember to buy the sugar?

Naomi: Oh, I never buy sugar. (dumps a bunch of sugar packets out of her purse onto the kitchen table)

Eunice: Naomi, you unpredictable little scamp, what is all that?

Naomi: This is my sugar packet collection! I pick 'em up at motels. Each and every one has a different name on it!

Ellen: (picks up a packet and reads it) 'Arthur's Hideaway and Launderette:
You tumble, we dry.'

Naomi: Yeah!

Thelma: Well, that is disgusting! I can't take jam to a church bazaar made with X-rated sugar!

Thelma: (to Naomi) I'd be uncomfortable, too, if I were dressed in that get-up.

Naomi: Just what is wrong with my attire? I've always found this outfit very suitable for religious occasions.

Thelma: That's cause you got to pray to God it stays up!

Vint: If only we had a spoon we could dig our way out.

Thelma: Real good, Vinton. If we had a bar of soap we could carve ourselves a gun and shoot our way out.

Naomi: I'm not about to spend my afternoon getting all hot and sweaty over some slimy slug. (about Thelma's garden)

Thelma: Why not? That's the way you spend your nights!

Vint: Mama, you never could throw anything out, no matter how useless it is.

Thelma: It's a lucky thing for you!

Thelma: (Knocks on the door.)

Vint: Mama?

Thelma: No, It's Mr.T FOOL!!!

Naomi: You don't think I'm pregnant, do you?

Thelma: Tell me something, Naomi. Are you late?

Naomi: Late for what?

Thelma: Do I have to come right out and say it? Mr. Monthly Visitor!

Naomi: Yeah! Oh, Miss Harper, how did this happen?

Thelma: Do you want me to draw you a picture?

Eunice: You're skatin' on thin ice old lady!

Eunice: Looks like you write all of your promises in disappearing ink old lady. Like the time when you promised me when I was twelve years old a two wheeler. Well I have yet to see that sucker! But Ellen, everytime I turned around there a brand new Schwinn sittin' under her fat fanny!

Eunice: Hello everybody! Eunice is here. Unwanted Eunice. Untalented Eunice! Caterwauling Eunice!! MONSTER EUNICE IS HERE!!! (she throws the box of party decorations)

Thelma: Uhh-oohhhhhh!!

Eunice: Mama don't you ever read? Why People Magazine just this week said that chili dogs is all the rage in Hollywood. Merv Griffin gave a party, and Pia Zadora put away six of these suckers.

Thelma: (Speaking of Duke Reeves) His parents were trying to avoid a lawsuit so they sent the boy over to apologize for nearly gettin' you killed out in front of the school that day.

Eunice: That's not true!

Thelma: It is! You hounded that boy so bad he had to jump in the car to get away from you and you went tearin' down the street after him hangin' on to the back of the car.

Eunice: That's a lie!

Thelma: And he went around the corner and you went slidin' into the gravel and you got yourself all skinned up. You were a lunatic where that Duke Reeves was concered and everybody knew it. Didn't they Vint?

Vint: Well I don't know about everybody...

Eunice: Oh you shut up!

(Vint enters.)

Vint: What smells so good?

Thelma: It's Naomi's Famous International Heartburn.

(Bubba enters.)

Bubba: What smells so good?

Thelma: It's Naomi's Famous Dinner In A Drum.

(Iola enters.)

Iola: What smells so good?

Thelma: I swear, if I made gym socks, everyone would want a taste!

Thelma

"And, Lord, if you are listening, the next time you want to give me a message, you better dial direct!"

[The phone starts ringing]

"That better be Roselle..."

"Uhh-ohhhhh!"
"I only drove one time in my life--1946. I started out with a sedan and I came back with a convertible!"

(to Iola) "Get out, you jokin' jackass!"

"I swear, I can't understand why they don't hold these church bazaars in the dead of winter when people can stand to be in their kitchens!"

"Ellen, what a sweet thought. No wonder I love you best. You were my first born and you are my favorite. Should have quit while I was ahead."

"Naomi, What a sweet thought. No wonder I love you best. You're like the daughter I never had."

"Eunice, what a sweet thought. No wonder I love you best. You were my third born and you are my favorite. Third time's the charm."

(to Naomi) "Your idea of a workout includes a man, a bed, and a cigarette afterwards!"

"Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just lovin' this!"
(to snobbish Nita Peterson) "Nita, you've got a lot of class for a dame with a rip in her drawers!"

Naomi

(after an unkind remark by Ellen) "I'm gonna break your teeth Ellen, pass 'em over!"
(Naomi is making her"Famous International Stew") The ingrediants are two cans of stew (pours in stew), canned peas (pours in peas),mexican beans,( pours in beans) Ole!Saurkraut (pours in canned saurkraut,saying in a deep voice) Yum! And for an Italian special (blows a kiss) Spaghetti- O's! (pours in Spaghetti-O's)