Married... with Children Quotations

Married... with Children (1987 - 1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.

Pilot [1.1]

Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.

Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.

Al: Yes, Ma'am.

Al: I'm gonna hate these people.

Peg: You will not hate them. They are very nice.

Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Thinnergy [1.2]

Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful — like that girl on TV — I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.

Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.

Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?

Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.

But I Didn’t Shoot the Deputy [1.3]

Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.

Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Marcy: [about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?

Steve: Yes, dear.

Marcy: How do you know?

Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.

Whose Room Is It Anyway? [1.4]

Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?

Steve: Well, Al...

Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?

Steve: The French?

[Al nods in agreement.]

Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.

Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.

Al: Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Have You Driven a Ford Lately [1.5]

Steve: It's not just a car, honey — it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.

Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?

Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these [gesturing at their wives] are our mothers.

Sixteen Years And What Do You Get [1.6]

Al: [Reading the title of a book he was given] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life." My God.

Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?

Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.

Peggy: A can of motor oil?

Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

Married… Without Children [1.7]

Al: You are the biggest — by the way, do you have cable?

Steve: No.

Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

The Poker Game [1.8]

Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.

Al: A bubbling cauldron?

Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.

Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.

Peg: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?

Al: Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.

Peg: [with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.

Al: [surprised] You wouldn't mind?

Peggy Sue Got Work [1.9]

Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure. So when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family — and try not to laugh.

Al: [to Peg] You can't have a VCR.

Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?

Al: Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it — maybe — because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

Al Loses His Cherry [1.10]

Luke: [to Al] The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.

Al: Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?

Luke: I don't know, but I do.

Nightmare on Al’s Street [1.11]

Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.

Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.

Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.

Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.

Peg: In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.

Marcy: Why?

Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.

Where’s the Boss [1.12]

Peg: It's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.

Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blonde, sixteen, looks thirty, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please."

Johnny Be Gone [1.13]

Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.

Marcy: How long does it take to dry a dress?

Peg: In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.

Al: I have an announcement: "Shut up."

Poppy's by the Tree: Part 1 [2.1]

Lady: Anything else I can do for you?

Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.

Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

Poppy's by the Tree: Part 2 [2.2]

Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

If I Were a Rich Man [2.3]

Steve: They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

[The radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household.]

Announcer: In the news: a redheaded woman and her two children attempted to jump from the roof of the Sears Tower this evening. Authorities eventually managed to talk them down, crying hysterically. When asked what her problem was, all the woman said was, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"

[Al enters the house.]

Al: I'm home!

Buck Can Do It [2.4]

Al: Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?

Buck: What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?

Al: You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.

Buck: Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

Al: Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 [2.5]

Al: [staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.

Steve: I think it looks more like an apple, Al.

Peg: So Al, you were staring at that girl too?

Al: Yeah...

Peg: I bet she had great legs.

Al: Yeah...

Peg: And good breasts.

Al: Yeah...

Peg: Do you wanna come upstairs?

Al: Yeah... Wait a minute — with you?

Peg: Oh, yeah!

Al: ...Okay.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 [2.6]

Steve: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.

Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?

Steve: Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?

Al: Oh yeah, yeah, ah... it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.

Born to Walk [2.8]

Al: Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.

Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.

Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.

Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen.

Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

The Razor's Edge [2.10]

Marcy: Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.

Peg: Look, you don't have to give up any... An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.

Marcy: I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for five days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for five days?

Peg: Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother and travel.

Earth Angel [2.12]

Al: Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.

Peg: You got a night job?

Al: No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.

Peg: Well then, you've been missing work.

[After returning from the bowling riot]

Al: Did you hear something on the news?

Peg: Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.

Al: I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!

You Better Watch Out [2.13]

Al: [dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.

Kid: I wanna sit on your lap.

Al: [dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.

Guys and Dolls [2.14]

Peg: Look at them over there. Men are such idiots. And I married their king.

Al: Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.

Peg: No, what I just don't get is sex.

Al: That'll be Bud's new hobby.

Peg: Sex?

Al: No! Baseball cards.

Build a Better Mousetrap [2.15]

Peg: Is it dead, Al?

Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.

Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?

Al: Nah, now it's personal.

[Al is going into the basement.]

Al: Say "cheese." Hello! [fires twice with his rifle]

Master the Possibilities [2.16]

Bud: They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.

Steve: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?

Bud: Sure.

Steve: Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Al: Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? And so what if they did?

Peggy Loves Al - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah [2.17]

Bud: This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?

Kelly: Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."

Steve: So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's day? Fur? Jewels? A car?

Al: If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile and slam dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.

Steve: I only pray that after sixteen years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.

Al: Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

The Great Escape [2.18]

Al: [walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out] Damn, mannequins look like hookers.

Im-Po-Dent [2.19]

Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...

Peg: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?

Marcy: ...and he's impotent!

Peg: My God, you are like Steve.

Marcy You know, Al. There may be something on this planet with fewer brain cells than you. But whatever it is -- wherever it is -- I'm sure its name is Bundy! You should be on all fours, carting a wagon full of borax across the desert! You're compost! You're phlegm! You are a true pork product!

Al: Are you gonna take my advice?

Marcy: [defeated] Yes.

All in the Family [2.22]

[Everyone but Al is singing "You Are My Sunshine."]

Peg: Just the boys.

Bud and Uncle Irwin: Please don't take my sunshine away.

Peg: Just the girls.

Kelly and Uncle Otto: You'll never know, dear...

Uncle Otto: You're not good enough for our family.

Al: Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.

He Thought He Could [3.1]

Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!

[Al tries to bribe Miss DeGroot with a doughnut.]

Miss DeGroot: Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?

Al: Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?

I'm Going to Sweatland [3.2]

Steve: You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.

Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story) [3.3]

Kelly: I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?

Matt: Oh, yeah, the soup girl.

Kelly: The soap girl. S-O-P-E.

Peg: [thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200

Al: [thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.

The Camping Show (aka A Period Piece) [3.4]

Kelly: I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.

Al: Peg?

Peg: Well, it's her time of the month, Al.

Al: What the hell did we bring her for, then?

Bud: Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?

Kelly: Your mother.

Marcy: If I retain any more water, they're going to have to build a pier around my butt.

A Dump of My Own [3.5]

Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.

Peg: I want the lottery.

Peg: I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.

Marcy: Oh, of course he is not.

Al: Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.

Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?

Al: A job.

Her Cups Runneth Over [3.6]

[Al and Steve see beautiful women in the lingerie store.]

Al: I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.

Al: [watching the store clerk walk away] Yeah, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.

The Bald and the Beautiful [3.7]

Steve: I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says "Please"?

Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.

Peg: Ooh! The ribbed kind?

Marcy: On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.

Peg: You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.

The Gypsy Cried [3.8]

Peggy: Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?

Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.

Peggy: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.

Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!

Peggy: You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"

Madam Olga: I feel very strong vibrations here.

Al: [to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?

Peg: No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.

Requiem for a Dead Barber [3.9]

[Al comes in with a perm.]

Peg: You look like a fruit, Al.

Al: Thanks, Peg.

Bud: Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.

Kelly: Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?

Al: Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy... is going to get washed... and blown.

I'll See You in Court [3.10]

Al: I don't wanna have sex with you. You're my wife, for Godsakes.

Steve: [stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors] Hello, everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and... whatever the Bundys were doing... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! [Marcy hides her face behind her hand.] But first I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country, poor man...

[Minutes go by.]

Steve: Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease...

Eatin' Out [3.11]

Al: [ordering dinner for everyone in a high-class restaurant] Four steaks. Nuke 'em.

Al: Hey, kids, whaddya say? You wanna go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?

Bud: We wanna see Tears and Vomit.

Al: Well, you see that when your mom cooks.

My Mom, the Mom [3.12]

Peg: [awakens from her sugar coma] Mom, I had the most horrible dream: I was married to a shoe salesman.

Kelly: Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing.

Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance) [3.13]

Al: There are two things Bundys don't do: we don't eat vegetables and we don't tap.

Al: When a Bundy is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves.

A Three Job, No Income Family [3.14]

Peg: What's wrong with you getting a second job?

Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Captain: Get with the program, Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.

Al: Marry a redhead.

The Harder They Fall [3.15]

Al: I can't say I won and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well, I definitely can't say I won.

Marcy: If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.

Peg: You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!

The House That Peg Lost [3.16]

[Al and Peg are going outside to sleep.]

Peg: Oh, no, Al! It's raining!

Al: Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.

[Kelly tells Al about her upcoming slumber party.]

Al: You're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.

Kelly: Daddy, I was eight years old.

Al: But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.

Married... with Prom Queen [3.17]

Al: Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

Peg: Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?

Al: Garbageman.

Peg: How often do we do it?

Al: Five times a year.

Peg: No. Five times a week, Al. I'm not asking you to do it, just say it. How many kids do we have?

Al: None.

The Dateless Amigo [3.19]

Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.

Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al?

Al: What about tax?

Steve: You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.

Marcy: Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.

Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.

Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.

Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.

Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.

Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.

The Computer Show [3.20]

Al: What do I need a computer for?

Marcy: News updates.

Al: Newspaper.

Marcy: Social events.

Al: TV guide.

Steve: Recipes.

Al: [placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.

Steve: Doctor's appointments.

Al: Don't care.

Peg: I didn't marry a happy man.

Al: No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.

Here's Lookin' at You, Kid [3.22]

Peg: Al, nobody wants to peep me. Hold me!

Al: Well nobody wants to hold you either.

Al and Peg's neighbor: I've been peeped too, it was horrible!

Al: How was it for you?

Hot Off The Grill [4.1]

Peg: Which brings us to a little promise you made just last spring...

Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?

Peg: No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.

Al: Labor Day... what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back...

[Dissolve to later.]

Al: In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...

[Dissolve to still later.]

Al: ...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.

Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics [4.2]

Peg: There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do. Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent. And number two: exercise.

Tooth Or Consequences [4.4]

Bud: Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.

Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.

He Ain't Much, But He's Mine [4.5]

Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF, which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.

Bud: Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?

Peg: Oh, of course not!

Bud: Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.

Desperately Seeking Miss October [4.7]

Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?

Al: Fine.

Al's Father: How are my Playboys?

Al: You know, huh?

Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.

976-Shoe [4.8]

Peg: Hi, Al. Did you have a good day?

Al: I came home. How good could it have been?

Oh, What A Feeling [4.9]

Bud: Hi, Mom.

Peg: Hi, Kelly.

Kelly: Hi, Mom.

Peg: Hi, Bud.

Al: Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.

Peg: I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?

Al: Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?

Peg: Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?

Al: Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.

Peg: I want a Cadillac.

Kelly: I want a Ferrari.

Bud: I want a Porsche.

Al: Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.

Bud: Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.

Al: If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]

Al: All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, three hundred years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes vroom. Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.

At The Zoo [4.10]

Girl Scout: You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.

Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.

Girl Scout: [holds up a box of cookies] It's food.

Al: [takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.

Girl Scout: [snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.

Al: I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?

Girl Scout: [walks off] Eat a bug.

Al: Wet a bed.

Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.

Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1 [4.11]

Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?

Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?

Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?

Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?

Bud: Two children starving?

Peg: One untouched wife.

Al: [to some kids] Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?

It's A Bundyful Life: Part 2 [4.12]

Angel: I know you think you got it tough. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your kids think you're a failure. A good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases... Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids. I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "Hit me." But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? Because she told me. Oh, yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookie... but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?

Al: Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?

Bud: Money. I can always rent love.

Al: Kelly, what's the color of an orange?

Kelly: Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?

Who'll Stop The Rain [4.13]

Peg: Al, just call a roofer.

Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?

Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.

Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!

Bud: Eat Mom's food!

You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 1 [4.16]

Peg: I want a vacation.

Al: Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?

Marcy: God, I hate men!

Al: I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.

You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 2 [4.17]

Yummy: I love a man who's on top of things.

Al: And I love a woman with things on top.

Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.

What Goes Around Comes Around [4.18]

Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?

Al: Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.

Al: Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.

Raingirl [4.21]

Al: [using a kitchen pot as a bongo drum] Oh, man, we're broke, cha cha cha.

Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.

Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.

Early grave, cha cha cha.

Everybody — shoot me!

Kelly: Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.

Marcy: Oh, well. Losing your first job isn't so bad.

Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna.

The Agony Of Defeet [4.22]

Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?

Peg: Well, having the kids.

Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?

Peg: Having the kids.

Yard Sale [4.23]

Al: You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory." That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom."

Al: A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits.

We'll Follow The Sun [5.1]

Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.

Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.

Peg: Hi, Al. Did you miss me?

Al: With every bullet so far.

Al...With Kelly [5.2]

Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.

Peg: So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.

Al: Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.

Sue Casa, His Casa [5.3]

Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.

Al: Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, you never get anything back. Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

The Unnatural [5.4]

Al: [three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!

The Dance Show [5.5]

Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Kelly Bounces Back [5.6]

Peg: I'm not cooking tonight, you know.

Al: Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.

Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.

Al: Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.

Al: Hey, Peg — still on strike?

Peg: What does it look like?

Al: You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.

Married...With Aliens [5.7]

Peg: Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.

Al: Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!

Peg: Were they green before or after they touched your socks?

Wabbit Season [5.8]

Al: First thing they teach you when you’re a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. Well, I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."

Peg: So what?

Al: [starts crying] Today’s Wednesday.

Al: [singing to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm] Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming in on Friday nights, big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy [5.9]

Peg: [to Al] Are you enjoying your day off?

Al: Peg, you know I am. Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex? Chores? What?

Peg: Where are you going?

Al: Where do you think I'm going?

Peg: To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

One Down, Two To Go [5.10]

Peg: Al, our baby’s gone. Hold me.

Al: I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I start now?

Peggy: Bud, was I a good mother?

Bud: Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.

And Baby Makes Money [5.11]

Al: We don’t believe in love.

Peg: That’s why our marriage works.

Peg: And then of course there’s that ten months of pregnancy.

Marcy: Ten?

Peg: Male Bundys never wanna come out. Oh, and then once they're out, they never wanna go back in again.

Married... With Who [5.12]

Peg: [reads test questions from a magazine to Al] Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B...

Al: B!

Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? [notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and bored Kelly and decides on Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let’s go back to bed.

Kelly: Bye, Daddy.

Peg: No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. [releases Kelly and takes Jefferson's hand] Now we can go back to bed.

Marcy: Oh shut up. It's me, it's me.

The Godfather [5.13]

[Al enters the house carrying a steering wheel.]

Peg: Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel in the house?

Al: Well, I thought, since it isn't attached any more, maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner?

Al: [in a Marlon Brando voice] One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... [normal voice] ... but we both know it probably will!

Look Who's Barking [5.14]

Buck: If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.

Hans: Cherry cheesecake for Herr Bundy.

Kelly: Well. I'm a Bundy and I have hair... okay.

Hans: I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much.

Kelly: Bye! [slams the door in his face]

A Man's Castle [5.15]

Al: Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do — but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russkie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I’m reclaiming my toilet bowl.

Oldies But Young 'Uns [5.17]

Al: I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out. Now what we'll do is we'll just sit here and we'll name every song that was ever made until we get it.

[Jefferson, Marcy, and Peg are trying to guess the song Al is humming.]

Marcy: "Itsy-Bitsy Spider"?

Al: No.

Jefferson: "Go Tell Pharaoh"?

Al: No! This is a song from my youth.

Peg: "Look, It's a Wheel"?

Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers [5.18]

Bud: You can't win. You're ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now a Weenie Tot employee. We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!

Peg: Well, at least it's over.

Al: Oh, it's not over. [opens the door, revealing the police] Now it's over!

Kids! Whaddya Gonna Do? [5.19]

Bud: I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.

Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.

Marcy: When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.

Al: I didn’t steal your bra.

Top Of The Heap [5.20]

Al: I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

Vinnie: Mona, why don't you come back a little later.

Mona: Really? When?

Vinnie: When you're no longer a felony.

You Better Shop Around: Part 1 [5.21]

Al: I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.

You Better Shop Around: Part 2 [5.22]

Jefferson: Drop dead!

Peg: Lick feet!

Marcy: Eat dirt!

Al: Grow hair!

Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?

Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.

[Bud and Kelly slink away.]

Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.

Route 666: Part 1 [5.23]

[Peg, Kelly and Bud are in search for Al’s money.]

Peg: I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.

Kelly: Appropriate for you, Bud.

Peg: And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.

Bud: Appropriate for you, Kel.

Peg: Oh, Al, the rubes think I'm sexy.

Al: Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.

Buck The Stud [5.25]

[Al and Peg come up from the dark cellar.]

Peg: Oh, Al, take me again.

Al: I didn’t even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.

She's Having My Baby: Part 1 [6.1]

Peg: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.

Al: Well, congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.

Marcy: That's right, Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?

Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

She's Having My Baby: Part 2 [6.2]

Kelly: Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.

Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?

Kelly: Oh.

Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?

Al: Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.

Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

If Al Had A Hammer [6.3]

Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.

Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?

Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!

Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.

Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Al: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places [6.5]

Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.

Peg: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.

Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.

Peg: Our countries are very much alike.

If I Could See Me Now [6.7]

Al: I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.

Jefferson: That's Fidel Castro.

God's Shoes [6.8]

Al: How long was I out?

Kelly: Six hours.

Al: Why didn't you call 911?

Kelly: I couldn't remember the number.

Al Bundy, Shoe Dick [6.11]

Al: [narrating] So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...

Bud: Repulsed by you?

Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?

Kelly: Do you think he's crazy?

Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.

So This Is How Sinatra Felt [6.12]

Leona: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.

Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.

Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!

Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Daaz?

Bud: The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.

The Mystery Of Skull Island [6.14]

Peg: [reading "Sexual Intimacy" card] "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." [Al lowers head] "and was a shoe salesman, and named Al..."

Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!

Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.

Bud: I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.

Kelly: Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.

Rites Of Passage [6.16]

Al: Where the music stinks and they water the drinks — the nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants — the nudie bar. Where you see their butt, but their trap stays shut — the nudie bar.

Bud: Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.

The Egg And I [6.17]

Al: Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.

Steve: You couldn't tell me that she was married?

Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the kids.

My Dinner With Anthrax [6.18]

Bud: Dad...

Al: Go away.

Bud: This isn't about money.

Al: Go away anyway.

Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.

Al: All right, what?

Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday on the 30th. Can we? Please?

Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

Charlie Benante: It came out of the fridge... why is it hot?

Psychic Avengers [6.19]

Al: Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?

Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?

Kelly: Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.

[Al enters.]

Al: Why doesn't the world die?

The Goodbye Girl [6.22]

Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?

Kelly: A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her muumuu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could've left through either an itty-bitty turnstile or a huge gate. Guess which one she picks. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise and sent it up where no man has ever gone before. She went flying like vegetable out of Dad's mouth and landed right in "The Facts of Life" fan pavilion. Thank God it's always empty.

England Show: Part 1 [6.24]

Captain: This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.

Peg: AL!

Al: Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?

Al: I’d like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English, but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports, and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?" Then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I’m not proposing a solution, ‘cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I’d just like to say "I don’t like 'em." Now could I get a "Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?"

Crowd: Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM.

Al: Oh, by the way, am I alone in hating the French.

Crowd: No!

Al: I thought not.

England Show: Part 2 [6.25]

Peg: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!

Al: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?

Peg: You're the king, baby.

Al: Make me believe it.

Peg: Who's gonna make me believe it?

Hanged Bundy Ghost: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.

Impaled Bundy Ghost: Beware!

Headless Bundy Ghost: You will die in the morning!

Disemboweled Bundy Ghost: Run! Run while you still can!

5th Bundy Ghost: Wanna buy some shoes?

England Show: Part 3 [6.26]

Kelly: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."

Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!

Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.

Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.

Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?

Magnificent Seven [7.1]

Al: I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.

Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that - with love - from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.

Frat Chance [7.6]

Kelly: Did something die in here?

Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it "A Touch of Bud."

Kelly: Yeah, well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.

Bud: And nobody does it better.

[Al drives into the garage where Bud and his frat friends are holding hands with their pants down.]

Bud: Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.

Al: Not secret enough, son.

Unalful Entry [7.20]

Peg: You know what would really help me go to sleep?

Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

Requiem for a Chevyweight [11.4]

Jefferson: Look Al, God forbid, she doesn't make it, the important thing is you get right back on the horse.

Al: Well thanks Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?

A Bundy Thanksgiving [11.6]

Al: You know Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband, and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin? finds his pie tin.]

Al: Hey, I found it.

Marcy: Good, now you can put that metal plate back in your head. Although, that's a lot like putting a lid on an empty jar.

Al: Or a bra on you.

Quoternity