Men in Black: The Series Quotations

Men In Black: The Series (informally MIB: The Series) (1997 - 2001) was an animated television series that aired on the Kids WB. Reruns ran briefly on Nickleodeon's SLAM! block in 2004. The show featured the characters from 1997's science fiction film Men in Black Agents K and J. The show also featured Agent L who was formerly known as Dr. Laurel Weaver, Deputy Medical Examiner.

Previews

[J and K confront Kero from Cardcaptors]

Kero: I told you guys before, I'm not an alien! I'm not an alien! I'm not an alien!

K: Save it for the station, Kid.

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Announcer: What do you call the Men in Black when they're not dressed in black?

J: Handsome devils?

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J: How long have you been in the MIB?

K: [Thought balloon of him in car as kid] A lot.

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Announcer: Expect the unexpected! (J gets spooked by a shadow)

K: I see you've met Fluffy.

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Announcer: Swing into action with "Men in Black"'s Agent J!

J: WHERE ARE THE BRAKES ON THIS THING!?

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K: Slick, give Granny a kiss. (old lady turns into a bug-like monster)

J: Something tells me she's not the kissin' type.

The Long So Long Syndrome

K: You're not in the NYPD anymore. If you're gonna tangle with a Skeezaloid, you'll have to know how to cuff him.

J: By the wrists?

K: Skeezaloids don't even have arms.

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J: Noisy Cricket! Ha!

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J: (about the Skraaldian) It... lobbed on me.

K: Never use a Noisy Cricket on a Skraaldian!

J: Why not?

K: Blows them up.

J: And that's a bad thing? Dude was gonna mess up your haircut.

K: No. The "dude" was only going to sting me. I would have swelled up and turned the color of rotten eggplant, but only for a week.

J: My mistake.

K: One you'll never make again.

J: What?! You're gonna fire me for saving your--?!

K: You're marked, J.

J: (about the blob on his suit) And a little dry cleaning should handle it.

K: You don't understand. Permanently marked. "This is the last suit you'll ever wear" marked. "You're a dead man" marked.

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J: Even if I am marked, who knows when the Skraal-guys will strike? Could be today, could be forty years from now.

K: Probably today.

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J: Can I at least drive?

K: Not today.

J: But I may not see tomorrow!

K: Maybe later.

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Arquillian: This experience has made me realize how delicate life is. We are all so vulnerable. One moment we're eating seafood, the next, we're eating dirt. I owe you my life, K.

J: Can we pu-leez change the subject?!

Arquillian: What's with him?

K: Blew up a Skraaldian.

Arquillian: Blew up a Skraaldian?! Why didn't he jump off the Empire State Building?

[Jay slams the Arquillian's face shut]

Arquillian: Ow! Watch the face.

The Buzzard Syndrome

[After J and K get in trouble with Zed, due to J screwing up a mission]

J: Woah. Thought Zed was gonna come onto us like a ton of bricks.

K: Yeah. We got off lucky, didn't we, Sparky?

J: "Sparky"? What happened to "Slick"?

K: You have to work your way back up to "Slick".

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[Due to having the same model weapon, K and Buzzard are in a standoff, endlessly aiming at each other]

K: Arm tired?

[No response from Buzzard]

K: Mine neither. I suppose we could just fire. Scramble our molecules, experience mind-numbing pain... black out. And if we're lucky enough to wake up at the same time, we could start this game all over again.

The Irritable Bow-wow Syndrome

K: No spacecraft in sight.

J: Maybe the UFO sprouted mechanical legs and walked away. Like in War of the Worlds. You've seen that? Martians invade Earth. Your favorite movie, right?

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Jeebs: [in several pieces all over his shop] Come on, guys, you can't leave me like this!

K: Don't worry. You'll pull yourself together. In an hour or two.

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J: What did you swallow, anyway?

Frank: Nothing. Must be a hairball. Get me some water, will you?

J: There's a white porcelain bowl in the other room. All you can drink.

Frank: You drink your of the toilet. I'll take pictures.

J: Then I guess you're not thirsty.

Frank: Just because I look like a dog doesn't mean I am one. In fact, it takes seven dog years to equal just one of mine.

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Frank: Goodbye, cruel world. Hello, guts.

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Frank: What's wrong with ya?! You scared the living daylights outta me!

J: (referring to the Void Density core) That's not all I scared out of you.

The Alpha Syndrome

K: (sees Jeebs) Jeebs... (to the agent next to him) Who let him in here?!

MIB agent next to K: He's not a guest?

K: He runs a pawnshop. He's a scavenger.

Jeebs: Hey! I don't speak ill of your career.

K: You have three seconds to get out, Jeebs.

Jeebs: It's a free...

[K blows his head off with a blaster. Jeebs' head grows back. Two MIB agents drag him out of the hotel]

Jeebs: You were supposed to count, K!

K: (puts gun away) Got no time to count.

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J: Is this thing safe?

L: It's intended for the originator of the memories. It'll either work, or your head will explode.

[J stares and L, shocked]

L: You asked.

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Alpha: Join me, K. Be like me.

K: A circus freak?

Alpha: The cosmic intergrator opened my mind. My body had to follow. If only you knew what was in here.

K: I used to think I did... until you left me for dead.

Alpha: Well, stuff happens. But I'm offering you immortality, K. I'll get you another heart. It won't hurt a bit.

K: You wouldn't go all the way to Sentillia for that heart, would you?

Alpha: Why should I? Plenty of Sentillians right here on Earth.

K: I had the twins do a little research. Did you know that Sentillians can breath a gas that would make a human's lungs dissolve? Bet you did. So, I got to wondering... (takes out a can of Sentillian atmosphere gas) just how inhuman are you?

Alpha: You wouldn't! It'll destroy us both!

K: I'm willing to live with that. The Sentillian of coarse, walks. Come on, Alpha. Let's you and me take the ultimate thrill ride.

[J and L burst in the room]

Alpha: They riding, too?

(Silence)

Alpha: I didn't think so.

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Alpha: Your attention, please. Mr. Saben has left the building. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. And Zed, ease off the bunt cake.

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J: You're ignoring Zed's orders? Who's the hot dog here? [Sees that the LTD is gone] Our wheels. We've been carjacked!

K: Sorry, kid. I can't take you on this one.

J: What? Why?

K: I've already left. Besides, the underwear wrench can't tighten the laughing lumbago... [melts]

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Hotel maid: Can I clean in here yet?

J: Not yet, ma'am. [Shows her his ID] Hotel inspectors, Division 6.

Hotel maid: Thought you might be MIB. Place is crawling with them.

[She walks away. J notices she has a lizard's feet and tail.]

J: (about himself) Forgot what hotel we were in.

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Alpha: Come on, K. Let's you and me take the ultimate thrill ride!

K: And reject everything you ever taught me? No.

Alpha: [Takes out a gun] Fine. Then perish!

The Neuralizer Syndrome

J: Tell me about your family.

K: Zed, the twins, the worms, same family as you.

J: Come on! You have parents! You were born, weren't you? Tell me about your dad. What's he like?

K: Dead.

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J: Always up for "chicken," huh!?

L: You made me bail out at the last second!

The Symbiote Syndrome

Troy: They've got babes, swimming pools, movie stars, (you like movies, don't ya?) and we can get our hands printed right in front of that movie theater. Huh? What do ya say? And it's right nearby that amusement park where you can get a hat with the rodent ears! I want one of those. So, what do you say? Huh?

J: Um, Hollywood's the opposite way.

J: You two Edgars are UGG – LEE! Where did you get your human suits? The 99 cent rack?

The Quick Clone Syndrome

K: Oversaturation. Explosion imminent.

J: What do we do about that, K?

K: Jump.

[The two jump off the building to escape the explosion]

J: There's more to the plan, right?

K: Anti-gravity shoes!

J: Funny, I don't remember being issued a pair of those!

K: Zed must like me better than you!

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Alpha: [trying to upload memories from Zed's brain] You were somewhat devestated when your dog contracted rabies and you had to... shoot him--

Zed: That was the end of Old Yeller, you mooncap!

Alpha: So it is. But a memory, nonetheless.

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J: These thirty-seven-hour sentoraun days are frying my brain, L.

L: You're not the only one working long hours.

J: How do you do it, then?

L: I... have my methods. The festive duck stomp is one way to put your carb together on a tricculate.

J: I must be loosing concousness. Could have sworn you just said--

L: The garden gnome prances when my long johns are filled with cheese... (melts)

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L: You've been there for quite a while. Maybe you should give #2 a shot.

J clone 1: No. No. I can hang. I still feel real.

L: You all do, number 1. Until the babbling starts. And you find yourself melting faster than a waterlogged wicked witch.

The Big Bad Bug Syndrome

Edwin the Bug: So you're the "Man" in Black who 86'ed my brother?

L: You must mean Edgar. I see a resemblance.

Edwin: I'm much better looking.

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Worm 1: So, what we after?

Worm 2: What we after?

J: A Bug.

[Silence]

J: A big, bad one.

Worm 3: Bugs eat Worms!

Worm 4: When they're not eating sugar!

Worm 1: Maybe we'll just...

Worm 2: ... head down to the cafés for a cup of Joe.

K: Not in your birthday suits, you won't.

[The Worms giggle sheepishly]

----

L: So, why am I still alive, er...?

Dung the Bug: Dung.

L: [repulsed] Pretty name.

Dung: Queenie wants you alive. Wants to flay you herself.

L: Aren't you going to eat before the long trip?

Dung: I just said she wants you alive!

L: I mean sugar.

Dung: No. I got 10,000lbs of Queenie's Royal Jelly waiting for me back home. That's the bounty on your head.

The Black Christmas Syndrome

Drekk: And to all a good night!

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J: Wow. Keys. He he... The LTD?

K: Executive washroom. Linen towels, cologne dispenser...

J: I'm touched...

The Supermen in Black Syndrome

J: Mud pie. Can't wait to check out the filling.

J: Maybe you didn't notice, but I'm leapin' around like some... leapin' guy.

K: I noticed.

J: And you look even more chisiled than usual.

L: Sorry. I thought my head was gonna go scanner.

Quoternity