Mr. & Mrs. Smith
John Smith
- [hitman from the BMW opens the van's left door. John opens the other van door and yanks the hitman through] These doors are handy.
- You looked like Christmas morning.
- Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!
- [after firing a rocket launcher] We should so not be allowed to buy these.
- I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.
- Does that include weekends? [when asked how many times they have sex]
- Web of lies!
- We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.
- Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is you die.
- [after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon] That's all John, sweetheart.
- [hotwiring a neighbor's minivan] He's had my barbecue set for months.
- [after Jane accidentally throws a knife that punctures his leg] We'll talk about this later.
- I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.
- [after having accidentally shot at his wife, Mr. Smith is on the roof of her car while she's trying to throw him off] Come on, let's talk about this! You don't want to go to bed angry!
- Let's see if we can't get a tune out of this trombone.
- We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.
- Fuckers get younger every year. [After beating up an agent who attempts to stop them from taking the mini van.]
- I said, I said I saw your Dad on Fantasy Island!
Jane Smith
- [after shooting through a wall at John] Still alive, baby?
- We re-did the house.
- Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.
- To dodging bullets.
- Any last words?
- Have you been selling big guns to bad people?
- I was never in the peace corps.
- I don't understand the question. [When she and John are asked how often they have sex]
- Who's your daddy now?
Eddie
- Eddie: Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.
- Eddie: This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.
- John Smith: She tried to kill me.
- Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?
- John Smith: [grabs a MP5] I'm going to borrow this.
- Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.
- Eddie: Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?
- John Smith: [mumbles while chewing food] Laptop
- Eddie: I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.
- John Smith: [swallows and says louder] Laptop!
- Eddie: OK. Laptop.
- Eddie: [at the diner] Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?
- Eddie's Waitress: You guys want any dessert?
- Eddie: What do ya have honey?
- Eddie's Waitress: Ice cream...
- Eddie: Ice cream?! That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?
- Eddie's Waitress: Chocolate and Vanilla...
- Eddie: I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...
- [winks to the waitress]
- Eddie's Waitress: Could be arranged...
- [walks off]
- Eddie: Perfect...
- [to John]
- Eddie: Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean?
- Eddie's Mom: Eddie?
- Eddie: [Startled. Cocks shotgun and shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!
- Eddie's Mom: [pause] Never mind.
- Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.
Others
- What? Your husband is the shooter? That's impossible. ~Jasmine
- [Jane Smith looks at Julie, shocked, after Julie detonates the explosive in the elevator John is in]
- Jane: [bewilderedly]What the hell was that?
- Julie - Associate #1: [casually] What? You said goodbye.
Dialogue
- Marriage Counselor: How often do you have sex?
- Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.
- Girls walking by house: What's going on, Mrs. Smith?
- Jane Smith: Garden party, girls.
- Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?
- Marriage Counselor: Marriage.
- Marriage Counselor: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?
- Jane Smith: 8.
- John Smith: Wait. Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...
- Marriage Counselor: Just respond instinctively.
- John Smith: Ok. Ready?
- Jane Smith, John Smith: 8.
- John Smith: Come to Daddy.
- Jane Smith: [after she bashes him with a teapot and headbutts him] Who's your Daddy now?
- John Smith: Dance with me.
- Jane Smith: You don't dance.
- John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart.
- Jane Smith: Was sloth part of it too?
- John Smith: [at marriage counseling] Ask us the sex question.
- Jane Smith: [whispers] John.
- John Smith: [softly with his fingers out for ten] Ten.
- John Smith: Hiya, stranger.
- Jane Smith: Hiya back.
- [John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar]
- Jane Smith: Where've you been?
- John Smith: I just went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.
- Jane Smith: How'd you do?
- John Smith: I got Lucky.
- John Smith: [both pointing guns at each other; John drops his] You want it? It's yours.
- Jane Smith: Don't! C'mon! C'mon!
- [about the new curtains Jane bought]
- Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.
- John Smith: All right, I don't like them.
- Jane Smith: [pause] You'll get used to them.
- Jane Smith: You ever have trouble sleeping after?
- John Smith: No.
- Jane Smith: Me neither.
- Benjamin: [while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith] Can I have a soda or a juice or...
- [Jane hits him with the telephone]
- John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.
- [first session with a marriage counselor]
- John Smith: Ok, I'll go first. let me see... um... We don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.
- Jane Smith: Six.
- John Smith: [chastened] Five, six years.
- Jane Smith: [referring to the pursuing cars] They're bulletproof!
- John Smith: [having not heard and shot at the cars] They're bulletproof!
- [Jane rolls her eyes]
- John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...
- Jane Smith: 312.
- John Smith: What? How?
- Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.
- John Smith: [during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before.
- John Smith: Ow! Are you insane? What's wrong with you!?
- Jane Smith: [hitting John] You're what's wrong with me!
- John Smith: It was a drunken Vegas thing.
- Jane Smith: Oh, that's better! That's *much* better!
- Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?
- John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.
- Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.
- John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?
- Jane Smith: Paid actor.
- John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!
- Jane Smith: I know.
- John Smith: You know I don't even want to talk about it!
- Jane Smith: Wait, why do I get the girl gun?
- John Smith: Are you kidding me?
- John Smith: That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.
- Jane Smith: Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.
- John Smith: I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.
- Jane Smith: Art?
- John Smith: History! It's reputable.
- John Smith: I realise you witnessed the missus and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.
- [Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]
- John Smith: Honey!
- Jane Smith: Wrap it up.
- John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.
- Jane Smith: Sorry.
- John Smith: Girls. Where was I?
- Benjamin: Mistake on your part.
- John Smith: Shut up.
- John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?
- Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.
- John Smith: What's new?
- Eddie: Same old, same old. People need killing.
- John Smith: Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.
- Jane Smith: Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.
- Jane Smith: You were bait.
- Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.
- Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait?
- John Smith: [Refering to the picture Benjamin has of John and Jane] You get rid of it, you burn it! Tradecraft 101!
- Benjamin: Oh. Sorry, I guess I missed that day. Just like you missed the day of don't marry the enemy.
- Lucky: What? You're looking for a job or something?
- John Smith: You are the job.
- [John kills everybody in the room]
- John Smith: [looking at the cards at the table] Pair of threes.
- John Smith: I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring.
- John Smith: Three ribs. Broken eye socket. Perforated eardrum.
- Jane Smith: I can't feel anything in these three fingers.
- John Smith: [talking about their predicament while in a nice restaurant] So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?
- Jane Smith: Well, that would be bad because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.
- Jane Smith: [dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons] Satisfied?
- John Smith: Not for years.
- Jane Smith: I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.
- John Smith: Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.
- Jane Smith: Well, so are a lot of girls.
- John Smith: That left of yours is a thing of beauty.
- Jane Smith: Mmm. You take it well.