NCIS (TV series) Quotations

NCIS is a CBS network television series about a team of special agents from the Naval Criminal Investigative Service of the United States Navy.

JAG Pilot Episodes

NOTE: Before being launched as its own series, NCIS was featured as a two part episode in Season 8 of the Series JAG

Ice Queen

Gibbs: Kid puts a new one in a corpse. That's a new one.

Gibbs: (to Vivian) I think the scout master is the tall one.

Ducky: Special Agent Blackadder, how about dinner tonight after the autopsy?

Vivian: Oh, I never date men old enough to be my father, Ducky.

Ducky: Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.

Gibbs: (looking at the body) When'd she die?

Ducky: Oh, gosh, in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least 20 years ago. She was an assistant film editor and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto--

Gibbs: (interrupting) This one, Ducky. When did this one die?

Gibbs: Cause of death?

Ducky: Well, it wasn't the arrow.

[the others are arguing over using military DNA to ID the father]

Ducky: Let's not fight, children, we are all on the same team.

Tony: (refering to the Caf Pow) Is that number 2 or 3 today?

Abby: If you must know, it's number 4.

Tony: (holds up evidence bag) I brought you a present.

Abby: (smiles) And you wonder why you're still single.

Tony: You redecorating?

Abby: I thought I'd brighten the place up a bit.

Tony: You take these?

Abby: Yeah, that's a cross section of what a 12 gauge did to an L3 to L5.

Tony: Shotgun-shattered backbone?

Abby: Ya, the middle one there is a cross section of an icepick to a cerebellum.

Tony: (grimaces, then looks at another picture) Duodenum?

Abby: Yeah; I like to call it "Duodenum with a lye chaser". It's a sad end of a Drano drinker.

Tony: You need to get out more, Abby.

Abby: Is that an invite?

Abby: I got more goodies. I got the name off the airline ticket.

Tony: Yeah, we got that.

Abby: ...and the destination.

Tony: Got that, too.

Abby: ...and the departure date.

Tony: Early April.

Abby: (imitates a buzzer) January 6th.

Gibbs: That's gotta be April 6th.

Abby: No, Gibbs, you just need young eyes. That's a "1", not a "4".

Gibbs: That's a "1"?

Abby: Yeah.

Tony: So, she missed her flight.

Abby: Tony, she got wacked.

Tony: Yeah, but not three months ago.

(Ducky enters the room)

Ducky: Actually, three months is probably quite accurate. I'm afraid our victim was in the Potomac at least that long.

Abby: What, racking up frequent floater miles?

Ducky: Being an ice queen. She was frozen.

Abby: (lifting a fingerprint for the victim's car) Let your fingers do the talking. (to Tony) Why'd they tow it?

Tony: It was abandoned in a lot at Gray Falls. Any of those finger prints big enough to be a man's?

Abby: Yep. Whoever was riding shotgun.

Tony: How fast can you run 'em?

Abby: Usually about 12 hours, but for dinner...

Tony: Get me an ID in two, and I'll make it Cafe Alantico.

Abby: Sweet.

Gibbs: There's the murder date: between the 4th of January and the missed flight on the 6th.

Tony: Abby's pulled a man's prints from her car. She's running them now.

Gibbs: (to Vivian) Check with Ducky. See if those dates coincide with the autopsy.

Vivian: Got it.

Gibbs: (to Tony) Come on, lover boy.

Tony: Where we going?

Gibbs: To Benzingers to get a drink.

Vivian: They get drinks and I get Ducky.

Vivian: You didn't match Rabb's DNA to the fetus, did you?

Ducky: I didn't have to. We didn't always have DNA, you know. We didn't always have television. You're too young to remember, but in many ways radio was much more fascinating.

Vivian: Ok, Ducky.

Ducky: You had to use your imagination.

Vivian: Ducky! (he stops) Why didn't you have to?

Ducky: I checked Commander Rabb's blood type — that's legal — There is no way he could have fathered the girl.

Ducky: I have the utmost respect for the dead.

Vivian: Well, that's obvious from the way you speak to them.

Ducky: If you were dead, wouldn't it be nice if you were spoken to rather than about?

Vivian: But her soul isn't in this.

Ducky: Perhaps not, but I've always felt a presence when conducting an autopsy, especially with murder victims.

(Vivian is reading Rabb his rights)

Rabb: I know my Article 31 rights, and I waive them.

(she continues reading them)

Rabb: I said I waive them.

Gibbs: She used to be FBI.

Rabb: How long you been doing this, Gibbs?

Gibbs: 19 years.

Rabb: Can you tell if someone is guilty by looking in their eyes?

Gibbs: Yeah, I can.

Rabb: Well, look in mine. Ask me. Ask me!

Gibbs: Would you kill for your brother?

Meltdown

Rabb: There are enough holes in this case to raise reasonable doubt.

Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: There is also enough evidence to tie you to the murders and a string of witnesses. Your colleagues will testify to angry words between you and Lieutenant Singer right up to the time of her death.

Rabb: Well, it could be worse, I guess.

Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: How?

Rabb: I could not have an alibi.

Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: (in annoyance) You have an alibi?

Rabb: No.

[Ducky is telling his findings in court]

Major McBurney: What else did you discover?

Ducky: On her left buttock, I found a tattoo of a stalking leopard. Majestic. Brilliant. I've only seen one other like it: on a tango dancer in Buenos Aires who died of dehydration. I was on sabbatical at the ti--

Major McBurney: (interupts) Doctor, I was asking about Lieutenant Singer.

Ducky: She wasn't in Buenos Aires...

Coleman: Doctor isn't it possible that the LT's injuries were a result of an accidental fall?

Ducky: (very seriously) Well the railing is very high. It's quite unlikely. Unless the LT's unconcious body levitated and dropped over the side. I've heard--

Coleman: (cutting him off) Thank you Doctor.

McBurney: (answering his cell) Major McBurney. Yeah... Really... Wow, you are the girl of my dreams. (hangs up and turns to Gibbs) That was Abby.

Gibbs: She's calling you?

McBurney: Mmhmm. We were separated at birth. She's invited us to the lab. (Turns to Coleman) You should come. Partake of the wonders of science.

[after finding Commander Rabb's name on the hat]

Abby: If the hat does fit, you can't acquit.

(both lawyers give Abby a funny look)

Abby: Oh, come on; one of you would have said it if you had thought of it first.

FBI Agent: What did you get out of him?

Gibbs: A good restaurant in Tunas.

Vivian: I'm sorry, I almost blew it.

Gibbs: (disapprovingly) Almost?

Tony: I still like you.

Yankee White [1.1]

Note: Agent Caitlin "Kate" Todd began the first episode as an agent with the United States Secret Service. A navy officer died while on board Air Force One and she was the Special Agent in Charge. Todd resigned the Secret Service at the end of the first episode and in the second episode joined NCIS.

Jethro Gibbs: We're LEO's.

TSA Agent Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn.

Tony DiNozzo: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.

TSA Agent Dennis: NCIS? That anything like CSI?

Tony: Only if you're dyslexic.

Elmo: Ducky, how were those steaks I air-expressed you?

Ducky: Ah! Delicious.

FBI Agent Fornell: He air-expressed him steaks?

Kate: It's a big state. Look how long it took him to get here.

Elmo: Oh, and Ducky? About those soft-shell crabs...?

Ducky: ...I- You'll have them by morning, Elmo.

Gibbs: You ever work a crime scene Todd?

Kate Todd: Well, I am a Secret Service Agent.

Gibbs: I thought not.

Kate: Don't dismiss me like that, okay? I earned my jock strap.

Gibbs: Yeah? It ever give you that empty feeling?

Kate: What?

Gibbs: Your jockstrap!

Kate: No. Like some species of frog, I grow what I need.

Tony: Gibbs, the pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us the... [sees Kate with Gibbs] ... thumbs up.

Kate: I think that just made it my team.

Gibbs: No, means I'm gonna have to hijack Air Force One. Tony, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch.

Kate: You're not serious! Wait. Fine. Your team. But just because I don't want to have to delay us any further by having to shoot you.

Gibbs: (while looking at dead Navy commander) What do you think happened Duck?

Ducky: Good lord Gibbs, I just met the deceased.

Kate: I can't give him Air Force One's floor plans, they're top secret!

Gibbs: Come on, Agent Todd. I saw all this in a Harrison Ford movie.

Tony: Excuse me. You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches. Thanks.

Kate: Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.

Tony: [Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.

Kate: You're pathetic.

Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thanks.

[Later]

Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking?

Tony: You think?

Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.

Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.

Gibbs: Rule number one: Never let suspects stay together.

Gibbs: Rule number two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.

Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.

Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?

Kate: (noticing DiNozzo sitting in the president's chair on Air Force One) Oh, No! I draw the line at him sitting in the president's chair!

Tony: Why? He's not using it!

Abby Sciuto: What are you going to do while I test for poison in a health snack?

Tony: I'll wait.

Abby: There's a futon under the desk.

Tony: Bless you.

Abby: What are you, my priest?

Tony: Curse you?

Gibbs: (to Todd) You mind if I tag along? Please?

Abby: Wow, Gibbs said please!

Gibbs: (to Ducky after he hears Tony being thrown out of the van) I guess they found him!

Kate: (after Ducky takes her temperature) Do you use that thermometer on cadavers?

Ducky: Would you rather I use the liver probe?

FBI Agent Fornell: (to Bauer about NCIS) With us joined at the hip, all they can do is watch... and bitch.

Gibbs: You enjoyed playing my boss?

Ducky: I did rather.

Ducky: Did he gradually become ill or was it sudden?

Kate: Sudden, he started to convulse and collapsed, the president's physician believed that the commander had a stroke.

Tony: A bit young for a brain fart.

Elmo: I guess Ducky decided to take the body to Washington.

FBI Agent Fornell: Why's your medical examiner taking the body to Washington?

Elmo: Never said he was my medical examiner.

FBI Agent Fornell: Then who the hell's medical examiner is he?

Elmo: Ducky? He works for NCIS.

NCIS Director Tom Morrow: Did you have to literally slam a door in the FBI agent's face?

Gibbs: There were more of them than us.

NCIS Director Tom Morrow: There's always more of them than us.

Kate: Where's the body?

Gibbs: I don't know.

Gibbs: [In the head] What'd you get?

Tony: Food security's very tight. Incognito purchases, randomly selected stores, no one knows they're buyin' for Air Force One. [Ducky enters] Stewards usually prepare all the food... [Hands Ducky a nearby camera]... but today, the President had ribs and coleslaw... [Poses for the picture Ducky takes of him, then switches places with him]... flown in from a smokehouse in San Antonio, so they only reheated them and served them. [Takes a picture of Ducky]

Gibbs: Anyone else have ribs?

Tony: [Sitting back at the desk] No.

Ducky: Gibbs, if the ribs were poisoned, how come the President wasn't affected?

Gibbs: Maybe he's used to Papa Joe's Barbeque. [leaves the bathroom] If you two are through takin' pictures of each other, maybe we can move that body aft.

Hung Out To Dry [1.2]

Witness: We were hanging out, listening to Dashboard Confessional.

Tony: Emo.

Gibbs: Emo?

Tony: Emotional music. Gotta get a radio, Gibbs.

Gibbs: Y'know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get them out.

Tony: Not me.

Gibbs: Nope. You fall in the category that I want to kick in the ass on the ground.

Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes?

Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.

Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?

Abby: Definitely.

Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.

Kate: I get to do forensics?

Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.

Kate: How'd you get into this?

Abby: I filled out an application.

Kate: How'd you get into NCIS?

Tony: I smiled.

Tony: What's your chute number?

Marine: Four.

Tony: Four's unlucky in China.

Gibbs: We're not in China.

Marine: Why you jumping with us, Sir?

Tony: Always wanted to jump. Gibbs came along to laugh.

Gibbs: So you gonna pay $180 to defy gravity?

Tony: (grinning) Yeah, I think I am.

Gibbs: We're going with you boys. NCIS training mission.

Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that? Hell, why not! Hate to pass up an opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane.

Gibbs: Come on, lets get you boots, you can't do field work in heels.

Tony: Depends what kind of field work!

Kate: DiNozzo your mind goes from X to XXX.

Tony: Yeh...

Tony: Wow in that outfit you could be NCIS cover girl.

Gibbs: Ducky's here.

Tony: And on a ladder. I'll get the mono-pod.

Seadog [1.3]

Gerald: You shoved a French cop off a cliff?

Ducky: There was a lake below!

Gibbs: Sixty feet below.

Gibbs: Did you get that reporters number or was that just talk?

Tony: (slightly offended) Gibbs?

Gibbs: See if she's available for lunch.

Tony: Can I expense it?

Gibbs: No, but I will.

Kate: I was in the Secret Service, we tend to get all hot and bothered over large numbers of $100 bills.

Tony: Is that what does it for you?

Tony: (about to send drug kingpins to Gitmo as suspected terrorists) You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one. Do you understand these rights you don't have?

Abby: (while watching video of a terrorists van) Are we submitting to the Sundance Film Festival?

Tony: Yeah, best terrorist film category.

Abby: Cool.

Tony: Are you sure? I knew a granny in Baltimore hid a kilo of H in her horse's rectum.

Kate: No horse on the boat, Tony.

Tony: Well that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling doesn't it?

Dobbs: What?

Tony: That Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene.

Tony: (looking at two girls sunbathing) If I only had the time.

Gibbs: What?

Tony: (quickly looking at his watch) Do you have the time?

Gibbs: Going somewhere?

Tony: Yeah, back to work.

Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.

Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.

Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.

Abby: I need music to do that.

The Immortals [1.4]

Tony: No boss, you don't understand. I love Puerto Rico.

Kate: Been there a lot?

Tony: (excited at the beginning...trailing off at the end) No that's just it, I've never been there... I mean I'm so wanting to go. Ever since I was a kid I was just...so wanting...sorry...I just always...

Gibbs: (deadpan) Wanted to be there.

Tony: Yeah.

Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes.

Tony: You're not going to say, and into a dry Martini, are you?

Tony: The best IT guy in our office is 22, Harvard. When he gets stuck, he calls his 14 year old nephew.

Tony: (to Gibbs) When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. (look from Gibbs) ... Neither does Tony.

Kate: So they pretty much hate us.

Tony: Noooooooooo........... Pretty much.

Tony: You might want to warn us about what you're working on after lunch, Ducky.

Ducky: Yes. I suppose gazing into a digestive system doesn't assist the actual process.

Tony: Not after the meal we just had.

Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico?

Gibbs and Kate: (sighing) Sure. Fine.

(Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers)

Kate: You gotta be kidding.

Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.

Kate: A bottom. And a hat??

Tony: Puerto Rican!

Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?

Kate: (tosses it at Gibbs) You first.

Gibbs: (looks over the bikini bottom) Trust me. It's not gonna fit.

Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.

Tony: (as Gibbs is opening his gift) It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.

Gibbs: It's in Spanish.

Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?

The Curse [1.5]

Tony: The golf clubs belonged to his RIO, Lt. Lynch.

Kate: RIO?

Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBs, one B - short for guy in back.

Kate: (to Gibbs) What do you need two B's for?

Gibbs: Second one's for bastard.

Gibbs: Tony, you gas the truck.

Tony: Gibbs, you know, most agencies have people who do that sort of thing.

Gibbs: (looking at Tony) Mmhmm. So do we.

Tony: That's kinda touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.

Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Gibbs: If that thing came off an aircraft, someone filed a TFOA report for it.

Kate: TFOA?

Tony: Things fallen off aircraft.

Kate: You're kidding.

Gibbs: Nope. Navy keeps records on that sort of thing, all the way back to biplanes.

Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?

Gibbs: Duck. It was eight years ago. (Points to a body in the morgue) How did he die?

Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.

Abby: Sailor on the half-shell!

Ducky: Oh, Abby, please...

Abby: Sorry.

Gibbs: How could she not know?

Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service.

Gibbs: What'd you say? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in?'

High Seas [1.6]

Gibbs's voicemail: Gibbs. Talk.

Tony: Five years with Gibbs; I'm amazed the guy didn't end up in a strait jacket.

Gibbs: What was that?

Tony: Nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills.

Kate: This...isn't the deck 5 berthing compartment, is it?

Sailor: (while standing at a urinal) No ma'am this is the men's head on deck 6.

Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs.

Ducky: [to Gerald after reenacting a death] You're supposed to be dead.

Kate: All I'm saying is that... things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface, kinda.

Tony: I have no idea what you said.

Kate: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere.

Gibbs: Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there’s such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that too.

Sub Rosa [1.7]

Tony: If you're coming down with something, don't sit next to me in the truck.

Kate: There's an upside to getting a cold?

Tony: Wanna tell the doctor about it? [straightens his tie and grins]

Kate: What do you put in your coffee?

Gibbs: Coffee.

Kate: Okay...I'll...just go down the hall and get you another cup.

Gibbs: That's...not coffee.

Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.

Tony: Worst case of acid indigestion I ever saw.

Gibbs: Hey...better get Michael Jackson out of here...before he ralphs.

Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs

Tony: Only half of them are true...the trick is figuring out which half.

Kate: This isn't pledge week at Sigma Chi, Tony.

Tony: Bet you were a lot of fun in college.

Kate: I was a... lot...of fun in college.

Tony: Really.

Kate: ....to replace me because I shave my legs and not my face is unconscionable and certainly not in the best interests of the case.

Gibbs: You claustrophobic?

Kate: No

Gibbs: Good. [walks away]

Kate: I'm going?!

Tony: Don't forget to wax.

Abby: There's good news and bad news...

Ducky: [sighs] I hate it when you play this game, Abby.

Abby: His last meal was a Big Mac and fries

Ducky: Probably half the base had that for lunch. I was hoping you'd come up with something a little more exotic. Tandoori perhaps. And the good news?

Abby: I know what's in the special sauce.

Ducky: I have good news and bad news.

Abby: I hate payback.

Gibbs: Go and un-hydrate.

Kate: I never heard it called that before.

[after DiNozzo throws a rock through a window to illegally gain entrance to a house]

McGee: That's breaking and entering.

Tony: No. That was breaking... and this is entering.

Tony: [looking at eco-terrorists screen saver] Guess flying toasters would have been too much to ask for.

Tony: You've taken computer classes.

McGee: Masters in computer forensics, MIT.

Tony: I see.

McGee: [looks at a chemical diagram on the computer] This isn't good.

Tony: What?

McGee: Isopropylaminomethyl methlphosphonothiola.

Tony: [looks at him confused]

McGee: BS in Biomechanical engineering Johns Hopkins. You?

Tony: Ohio State......phys ed major......I was a jock.

Tony: Nice hat. Did they make you the boat mascot?

Kate: That's your way of saying you missed me, isn't it?

Tony: No.

Tony: Listen kid, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you're not exactly Abby's type.

McGee: I've taken care of that. Remember that urge you were talking about?

Tony: [nods]

McGee: I went with Mom.

Tony: [stands there in shock, realizing McGee just got a tattoo on his butt to impress Abby]

Kate: I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless?

Gibbs: He told him he got a tat on his ass.

Kate: [Gapes at the elevator McGee just entered]

Minimum Security [1.8]

Tony: Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going to...

Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?

Tony: C'mon boss. You tellin' me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?

Gibbs: Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.

Tony: (laughs, while on a Gulfstream Aircraft) I love priority rides. Boss, this is the best.

Gibbs: I miss canvas seats.

Kate: (to Tony) I would be the last one to rain on your parade, Fidel, but you're logged onto an official Navy website. It's PR.

Tony: Why does the woman thing come up when a ship is sinking or there's only one bedroom with a bath?

Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.

Tony: (naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn) Halt!

Kate: (speechless)

Gibbs: I need coffee.

FBI Translator: You might want to think about keeping that door shut. Iguanas have been known to wander inside.

Gibbs: Did I say both of you?

Kate: Well, you didn't not say both of us, Gibbs.

Tony: Yes, she's kinda got a point there, boss.

Tony: Can I drink?

Gibbs: Yeah. Sarsaparilla.

Agent Paula Cassidy: What're you drinking?

Tony: Sarsaparilla.

Bartender: Root beer.

Paula: Are you here to check me out?

Tony: Define checking out.

Tony: So Jack Palance shoots Elijah Wood?

Tony: Miss me?

Paula: Like Herpes.

Tony: Never broken a rule?

Paula: Have you?

Tony: If the risk is worth it. (turns to bartender) Jimmy, un tequila y una cerveza, por favor.

Tony: You were the first woman I saw in my endorphin high.

Kate: We work together, Tony. It's like a brother-sister thing.

Tony: Never had a sister.

Kate: It's probably a good thing.

Tony: Just passed Sa'id's room, sis.

Paula: You gonna read me my rights?

Gibbs: You have the right to be reimbursed for postage.

Gibbs: Why is Special Agent DiNozzo sorry?

Paula: He blew his chance to get laid.

Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.

Gibbs: How much did all this power cost us?

Abby: Around fifteen hundred.

Gibbs: Fifteen hundred DOLLARS???

Gibbs: So she and Sa'id were doing the horizontal salsa.

Tony: Not according to the bartender at El Floridita.

Gibbs: What, lovers register with him at Gitmo?

Tony: I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it.

Gibbs: Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo?

Tony: I'm hitting the rack.

Kate: You know, Gibbs, you can be a real...

Gibbs: ...bastard.

Abby: It's just sex, Ducky.

Ducky: Just sex?

Abby: You know, biological act between two creatures in a species in response to biological and neurological stimuli.

Abby: Something's wrong. The files are too big.

Ducky: (chuckles) Not just the files.

Abby: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.

Gibbs: How good an actress are you, Agent Cassidy?

Paula: Ask Tony. He bought my act.

Kate: She'd say anything to get in that room

Tony: It's not a problem, we were both playing a game.

Gibbs: Yeah? Who won?

Gibbs: Why is that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?

Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside.

Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.

Marine Down [1.9]

Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.

Kate: Because he probably killed them.

(At the shooting range Gibbs tapes Tony's hat on his target)

Tony: (protesting) Ah c'mon, boss. I've been breaking that cap in for three months. I love that cap.

Kate: Then don't shoot it.

Gibbs: Back this up? (Tapes Kate's PDA to her target) .

Kate: (protests) Ah, no no no, Gibbs. Come on, my whole life is in that thing.

Gibbs: Then don't shoot it. (walks away)

Kate: (to Tony) If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.

Tony: What?

Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement and set the boat on fire.

Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Gibbs: Fire. Let's see how you do under pressure.

Tony: I'll bring the lighter fluid.

Kate: Deal.

Abby: Very cool. Where can I get one of these? (admires Tony's bullet hole ridden cap)

Tony: You can have that one.

Abby: How did he die?

Tony: That's kind of what Gibbs wants me to find out.

Abby: Then I'd say it sucks to be you.

Kate: What's your clearance?

Tony: Confidential.

Kate: Confidential? What'd you do? Kill someone in high school?

Tony: Hah. Funny, Kate. They screwed up my paperwork with another agent.

Gibbs: Yeah, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.

Tony: They yanked my clearance and now I have to take a physical to get it back.

Kate: Why is that?

Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.

Gibbs: Any luck?

Kate: Access denied. And I was cleared for Air Force One.

Gibbs: So was an Al Qaeda operative.

Kate: (looking at her PDA with a bullet hole in the middle of it) Wish my warranty covered bullets.

Tony: The eyes need to be bigger.

Kate: The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.

Tony: Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.

Gibbs: Welcome to my world, Abby.

Kate: What does he want the LES for?

Tony: Kate, that's NCIS 101.

Kate: You have no idea.

Tony: Not a clue.

Tony: Sorry I couldn't help you with the digging boys. Old pro basketball injury.

Kate: You played Pro ball?

Tony: Well, I was watching a game when it happened.

Tony: Does your calling plan include the afterlife?

Tony: You know what really ticks me off?

Kate: Gibbs?

Tony: No. These guys get paid more than I do.

Tony: I'm a man of action.

Kate: I'd say more like an Action figure.

Tony: Why? You wanna play with me?

Kate: As in you look good, but can't do much.

Tony: But I look good.

Gibbs: ...he's CIA.

Kate: What makes you think that?

Gibbs: How many agencies do you know that drive economy-class armored cars?

Tony: He's really pissed off.

Kate: How do you know?

Tony: (rolls eyes and walks away)

Kate: (to herself) I need to work on reading men better.

Tony: This is so not right. I mean, it's not as though we couldn't have done this during daylight.

Kate: You afraid of ghosts, Tony?

Tony: No, I'm afraid of getting shot for trespassing.

Kate: Is he really sleeping or is that just an act?

Tony: Oh, he's sleeping.

Kate: How can you tell?

Tony: He looks peaceful.

Gibbs: Morning. Sleep well?

Kate: If you consider throwing up violently all night and being thrown around like a couple of rag dolls...

Tony: ...then yes, we slept very well, Boss. Thanks for asking.

Left For Dead [1.10]

Tony: Fell asleep working on your boat again?

Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?

Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.

Gibbs: (on cell phone) No you will not put her picture on TV. I want whoever did this to think she's still dead. No, Kate, no. Our priority is finding the bomb. (closes phone) She's bonded.

Tony: Kate and Jane Doe?

Gibbs: Oh yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet, 'Her eyes they just pleaded for help'.

Tony: Love that look in a woman.

Tony: Speaking of dates we've worked together for two years and I have no idea where you live.

Ducky: I'd just as soon we kept it that way, Tony.

Tony: Right.

Abby: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.

Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?

Tony: Not funny, boss. Besides I can open a chastity belt.

Abby: Did you ever see one? Mine's awesome, eighteenth century French.

Tony: You have a chastity belt?

Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know about Abby.

Kate: She's not the terrorist type, Tony.

Tony: So you're thinking more Emma Thompson than Angelina Jolie?

Gibbs: Okay who's Maureen Ingalls?

Kate: What makes you think she isn't?

Gibbs: (gives her a look)

Kate: My cousin.

Tony: Hah. That was a quick fold.

Tony: Whoa. What's with you and Jane Doe?

Kate: She'll be occupying my spare bedroom so I don't have to say no to you.

Tony: Did I ask?

Abby: Gotcha

Gibbs: Love to hear that word out of your dark lips, Abby.

Abby: What'd you find?

Tony: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe but not me.

Abby: Shocking.

Tony: What's that?

Abby: A scratch.

Tony: It's more than a scratch.

Abby: You may actually be right.

Tony: Wanna know what my vision is? 20/10. Same as Ted Williams. He could see the seam of a fastball coming at him.

Gibbs: How about knuckles?

Tony: You sat your naked butt on a photocopier didn't you Abby?

Abby: Yup.

Detective: You're telling me the stooge from Hoover didn't save the man?

Tony: Hell no it was N-C-I-us.

Detective: Not according to the TV reports.

Tony: When do they get it right?

Gibbs: Found the key to this place in Jane Doe's grave.

Detective: I thought she was alive.

Tony: She woke up taking a dirt nap and did a Dracula.

Detective: That's a new one.

Tony: What is with the Germans and the alphabet thing? BMW, BMG, BASF. And they're all B's.

Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS.

Gibbs: Tell me that "Bombe" means the same in German as it does in English?

Tony: Jawohl mein Capitan. BFF makes bomb detecting devices for the US Navy.

Executive: Suite 8700. I was there Friday.

Tony: To kill Richter?

Executive: How could you ask such a thing?

Tony: It's my job.

Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.

Tony: Suzanne is not dead.

Executive: (stops typing)

Gibbs: Woops.

Tony: Big woops.

Gibbs: Tests? On a Navy ship?

Tony: If I heard there were gonna be tests on a Navy ship you think we'd still be standing here?

Gibbs: Oh, forgot. Your minds work concurrently.

Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time when it didn't really go so well.

Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.

Tony: Well, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused.

Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

Tony: We gotta do something, boss.

Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?

Tony: According to you or me?

Gibbs: You.

Tony: Yeah.

Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better?

Tony: No.

Gibbs: My door's unlocked.

Tony: I know.

Eye Spy [1.11]

(Tony, eating a doughnut, holds out the bag to Kate)

Kate: No. Thanks.

Tony: They're really good.

Kate: Not worth the price. I like keeping my belt notched exactly where it is.

Tony: What's that supposed to mean?

Kate: What mean?

Tony: The whole sort of raised eyebrows winky thing.

Kate: Nothing really. Just a nervous...tic?

Tony: I've weighed exactly the same since the day I graduated from college. Never up, never down.

Kate: Certainly you would know. Do you weigh yourself a lot?

Tony: I never weigh myself.

Kate: I see. Well, I don't pay that close attention to your body, Tony.

Tony: (Walks away frowning.) Really.

Kate: But, Tony. If you're happy with the way you are that's all that counts. (winks)

Tony: (Sits down, checks his waistline and tightens his belt a notch.)

Kate: You alright?

Tony: (grimacing) Couldn't be better.

Kate: (To a soaking wet and obviously freezing cold DiNozzo) You OK? What is it?

Gibbs: Shrinkage.

Gerald: It moved.

Ducky: I don't think so.

Gerald: It moved, doc.

Ducky: Remind me to check our inventory of alcohol swabs. (sees movement in body bag) He certainly was dead on the beach.

Tony: Special Agent DiNozzo.

Phone Operator: Just can't stop messing with the uniforms can they, sir?

(Conversation about incoming calls. Tony turns to walk away.)

Phone Operator: I'd write a letter, sir.

Tony: So what ever happened between you and Abby?

McGee: Our paths still cross on occasion.

Tony: Really?! I guess the tatt on the old caboose did the trick?

McGee: Among other things.

Tony: You don't say? Did you see any art on her caboose?

McGee: You're right, I don't say!

Tony: I'll take that as a no.

Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said, just give me the number. Why is there an asterisk?

McGee: Ummmm, not sure.

Tony: (gives him a look)

McGee: ...sir?

Tony: That wasn't an "add a sir" look. That was a "you better find out why" look.

McGee: Oh.

Tony: 's alright. Rookie mistake.

Kate: (Sees Tony coming in Duckie's uniform) Oh my god.

Tony: Don't even, okay.

Kate: Did I say anything?

Tony: You were. I know you were.

Kate: They're a touch small, but other than that, it's fine. And the bonus - no belt.

Tony: Hmmf!

Tony: (eating a nutrition bar) You got me thinking, Kate. Maybe I should improve my diet.

Kate: When are you going to start?

Tony: What do you call this?

Kate: Bad things masquerading as something good for you?

Abby: You're on the air.

Gibbs: Hey Abbs.

Abby: Gibbs. How did we do with the moles?

Gibbs: Spooks, Abby, spooks.

Abby: I can never get that straight.

Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend?

Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy, and yes, we IM almost every day.

Gibbs: You do?

Abby: Oh yeah.

Gibbs: That's good, right?

Abby: It's very good.

Ashton (Boytoy): Greetings from NASA, NCIS.

Abby: Whoa, Ashton, that was so Star Trek.

Ashton: Sorry, I'm late. I had a cluster of frozen reactor coolant heading for the flight path of an Atlas liftoff. I had to delay the launch. They were not happy about it. I am, however, very happy to see you, Abby, and to help your NCIS crime-fighting colleagues.

(In the background Kate and Tony exchange amazed looks at this entire exchange)

Ducky: Only 9% of the world's population is left-handed. Interestingly, that percentage has remained the same since prehistoric times. Archaeologists have been able to determine this by examining cave paintings--more than 10,000 years old. ... Curiously enough, the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon are 23% left-handed.

Tony: Maybe we can find the polar chick.

Kate: Tony's right. Beach is in a restricted area. Odds are she works at Little Creek.

Tony: Want me to track her down, boss?

Kate: Why am I not surprised? Want me to handle it? At least I won't drool.

Gibbs: No. (with a smile) No, DiNozzo took a wave for the team.

Tony: Thanks, Boss.

Gina: ...I just really hate tan lines. Don't you?

Gibbs: Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about that.

Kate: We know the killer was left handed, which eliminates Commander Tyler whose service file confirms she's a rightie.

Tony: We also know the killer's a woman unless Obermaier went Norman Bates on the guy. Actually, when you think about it the MO's match. (Makes stabbing motion at Kate's back)

Gibbs: DiNozzo.

Kate: (turns) What'd you do?

Gibbs: ...and she plays golf left handed.

Kate: Whoa, wait, you could see that the clubs were left handed with just a passing glance?

Gibbs: My second wife played golf left handed.

Kate: So?

Tony: When someone tries to split your skull with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.

Kate: I golf left handed, but I bat and throw right handed.

Tony: So you go both ways?

Kate: Your phone has been ringing off the hook. It's driving him crazy.

Tony: Well she is driving me crazy.

Kate: She?

Tony: Apparently Miss I Don't Like Tan Lines has found something she does like. Me.

Kate: And why is that a problem?

Tony: Well let's just say that's she's a lot more appealing from a distance. A geo-synchronous distance.

Kate: She didn't look so bad to me.

Tony: It's not that. She's just not my type.

Gibbs: (chuckles) Really? A female hardbody who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?

Tony: (looks a bit surprised) I guess not.

Kate: Talk to her.

Tony: She'll get the message.

Gibbs: (small smile and nod)

Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.

Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all.

Kate: So what was it, then?

Gibbs: Seven iron.

My Other Left Foot [1.12]

Gibbs: (to Tony and Kate) Got humpty dumpty back together again?

Kate: Still no head or left leg.

Abby: Did you check Hooterville?

Tony: Where's Hooterville?

Abby: You guys. Petticoat Junction, Green Acres. Hooterville.

Tony: I prefer TV shows from this century.

Kate: (About Gibbs) Three red-headed ex-wives shows his judgment is a little questionable.

Tony: None of them were murder suspects. Although... I don't know about the redhead who picks him up now and then.

Receptionist: Can I help you?

Tony: (pouring on the charm) I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh, (leans in very close to read her name tag) Darlene.

Receptionist: (melting) Okay.

Kate: Why don't you just give her a breast exam?

Tony: In good time.

Tony: You really like small towns?

Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like?

Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.

Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.

Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.

Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?

Tony: See... You do get me.

Gibbs: What do you have?

Tony: A six letter word for a reason to commit a crime...

Gibbs: DiNozzo...

Tony: That's seven letters.

Gibbs: Works for me. What do you got?

One Shot, One Kill [1.13]

Gibbs: Hey DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment, except for that minty fresh urine smell.

Tony: Hey for your information I have a maid now.

Gibbs: You can afford a maid?

Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.

Kate: You think he told him a fast one?

Tony: I doubt it.

Kate: Why?

Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it?

The Good Samaritan [1.14]

Gibbs: Anything Abby?

Abby: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. Notice anything unusual?

Gibbs: It's inflated.

Abby: Is that a guess, or do you actually know where I'm going with this?

Gibbs: What do you think?

Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.

Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?

Abby: So you don't know.

Gibbs: I want to make sure you know.

Abby: Hmmmm.

Gibbs: Hmmmm.

Abby: We should play poker sometime.

Gibbs: Yeah, we should.

Enigma [1.15]

Kate: Do all Marines build boats?

Tony: Only the ones who've been married a few times.

Kate: Why's that?

Tony: The rest of them can afford to buy one.

(Tony, Kate, and Gibbs are sitting in wait against their car after Gibbs claims he saw a bomb in the house they were searching)

Tony: Are you sure it was a bomb, Gibbs?

Gibbs: Yes, DiNozzo. For the last time... I'm sure it was a bomb.

Tony: If you say so. EOD sure taking their sweet time getting here.

(van arrives with Ducky and Gerald)

Ducky: Sorry we're late. Gerald got us lost several times.

Gerald: Me? You had the map.

Gibbs: We have our own problems here, Ducky.

Ducky: Yeah, I can see that. FBI take over our crime scene again?

Kate: Gibbs thought he saw a bomb.

Gibbs: (annoyed) What do you mean 'thought'?

Kate: Do I really have to say it?

Gibbs: Say what?

Ducky: Yes, Kate. Say what?

Kate: You need glasses, Gibbs. Are you happy?

(behind them, the house suddenly explodes, sending everyone exclaiming to the ground)

Gibbs: (slowly lifting his head) Sorry. I didn't quite catch that last part...

FBI Agent Charles: You're under arrest.

Gibbs: For what?

Charles: Pissing off the FBI.

Gibbs: Get used to it.

Tony: Where the hell are you? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest.

Gibbs: Well, good thing I'm not there then.

Bete Noire [1.16]

Ducky: (to Ari Haswari) I look forward to weighing your liver.

Ari Haswari: You tried to trick me Dr. Mallard.

Ducky: That wasn't a condition.

Ari: It is now.

Gerald: I never figured anyone who could sleep in a coffin could have a phobia but it's the kind of kinky thing Abby would get.

Ari: She slept in a coffin?

Ducky: She's goth.

[Ari shudders]

Tony: What's up Abbs?

Abby: Something's...

Tony: Hinky?

Ari: How do you alert visitors when conducting an infectious autopsy?

Ducky: We hang a decomposing body in the corridor.

Tony: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlene.

Evidence Clerk Charlene: What?

Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW!

The Truth Is Out There [1.17]

Abby: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.

Gibbs: You're positive?

Abby: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.

Tony: 40-mile zone ended 2 miles back, Boss. Limit’s 65... I only mention it because you usually drive slightly faster than Dale Earnhart Jr.

Abby: Not unless he grew up in Dorkville.

Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.

Abby: I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon.

Gibbs: OK, stop.

Abby: I don't know. Guys have all sorts of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date just so he can be pumped.

Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?

Abby: Does Tony know that you know?

Abby: Hey Gibbs. Do you have any fetishes?

Gibbs: I've got three ex wives. I can't afford to have any fetishes.

Gibbs: That's apples and oranges.

Abby: grins There's a fetish for that, too.

Tony: Guy was really interested in reality shows. Real World, Simple Life, Punk'd...

Gibbs: Punk'd?

Kate: Geez, Gibbs. Even I know what Punk'd is.

Tony: It's an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.

Gibbs: Like Candid Camera.

Tony: What's Candid Camera?

UnSEALed [1.18]

Abby: That's what I love about you, Gibbs, always one finger ahead.

Abby: Stained glass. That's very spiritual, Gibbs.

Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] Ladies and gentlemen. I want a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and outhouse in the area. You got that? Good! Now turn off those cameras and get out of the way!

McGee: Accent's still not right.

Tony: Damn.

Gibbs: He could have gone to a vet.

Kate: Tony's marking that territory.

Tony: Ha ha. Cute.

Tony: Houston. The cell phone has landed.

Tony: She sleeps with a gun under her pillow, boss.

Gibbs: That true?

Kate: Maybe. Sometimes. Yes.

Gibbs: Good girl!

Kate: You were a boy scout?

Tony: Cub.

Kate: Ha. What'd they kick you out for?

Tony: Tryin' to score brownie points.

McGee: You're enjoying this aren't you?

Tony: Really a lot.

Dead Man Talking [1.19]

Gibbs: (has his Sig Sauer pointed at the head of Amanda Reed) His name was Special Agent Chris Pacci. And he was a friend.

Kate: Speaking of way beyond hinky.

Tony: Okay, Kate. I can take it.

Kate: What was it like, tonguing a guy?

Tony: (deep breath) I can't take it.

Missing [1.20]

Tony: Remember the good ole days Kate?

Kate: What good old days?

Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers.

Kate: (incredulously): No.

Tony: Good. I thought it was just me.

Kate: Do we know how big his unit was?

Abby: We could ask him, but in my experience most men lie about that point.

Indistinct yelling

Kate: Thank god Tony is still alive.

Gibbs gives her a questioning look

Kate: Who else you know who pisses people off like that?

Split Decision [1.21]

Tony: You weren't seriously going to let her shoot me were you?

Gibbs: Naah

Tony: You had a plan right?

Gibbs (unconvincingly): Yeah

Abby: Don't be silly ATF lady.

Gibbs(describing the watch he is putting on): It's a locator. I won't activate it unless they move us.

Tony (in a Sean Connery accent): Very James Bond - does it tell time too?

Tony: I really liked her.

Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like?

Tony: So quick to judge Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.

Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt would they?

A Weak Link [1.22]

Gibbs: What if I wanted to get into that account?

Kate: (shrugs) Get a search warrant for the servers.

Gibbs: We don't have time for a warrant. What's a quicker way?

Kate: Hack into the servers.

Gibbs: (tilts a brow and smiles)

Kate: Can't believe I just said that. I would have never suggested that before I started working here.

Gibbs: You're welcome.

Reveille [1.23]

Gibbs: He stay at your place?

Abby: Yup.

Gibbs: You sleep in the coffin, McGee?

McGee: Coffin? You said that it was a box sofa bed.

Abby: Well... It is! Sort of...

McGee: That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. I can't believe I just slept in a coffin.

Abby: ...Not just slept.

John: John, Ag Department.

Kate: Kate, NCIS.

John: Hi...Really?

Kate: Yes. Why?

John: I've never seen you and I'm at NCIS twice a month.

Kate: You are?

John: Yes, I specialize in hail and storm damage.

Kate: What NCIS do you think I'm with?

John: National Crop Insurance Service.

Gibbs: That's us, she's a wiz on how corn losses affect pork belly futures.

Kate: That's my boss - weird sense of humor.

Kate: 'How corn losses affect pork belly futures?'

Gibbs: Rule number seven - always be specific when you lie.

Gibbs: [Gibbs is working on his boat while the TV in the background mentions Ari Haswari's failed mission] Suspected drug dealers... whose idea was that?

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Secret Service.

Gibbs: They give Ari his get out of jail for free pass too?

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Nah... CIA did that... all the Directors agreed... including yours. Ari's father was Mossad... probably knocked his mother up to get a son with Arab blood... sent him to medical school to vet him as a doctor in Gaza. This guys' been a sleeper all his life...

Gibbs: [deadpan] Well, I'd like to put him in a coma...

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Al Qaeda fronted this Hamas OP... Ari was just... having to do what'd make his bones with em...

Gibbs: [uncompromising on his answer] You tell that to Gerald...

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You forget I lost a man... and had three wounded.

Gibbs: No, but it seems you did...

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You know better than that.

Gibbs: There's a line, Tobias... that bastard crossed it... you don't make your bones shooting friends.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: What you want him to do... he's in Al Qaeda...

Gibbs: [smacks boat hard] I don't know!

Final scene

Gibbs: [entering the NCIS morgue to meet with the terrorist Ari Haswari, opens a body bag containing Marta's body, one of Ari's partners] She was beautiful...

Ari Haswari: Very...

Gibbs: [noticing that Ari is unmoved] Did you make love to her... and then blow her brains out...?

Ari Haswari: She would do the same to me...

Gibbs: Why do you do this...

Ari Haswari: The same reason you do...

Gibbs: I don't think so...

Ari Haswari: Then you're lying to yourself...

Gibbs: What now? You go back to the Middle East... tell them that Marta was Mossad and she blew the op?

Ari Haswari: Yes...

Gibbs: Two op failures in a row... I'd axe your ass if you worked for me...

Ari Haswari: People who blow themeselves apart to kill their enemies have lower expectations...

Gibbs: How do you sell Marta as a double agent?

Ari Haswari: My men the FBI permitted to escape... they know the effort I put into this operation, buying Smokey Sams... kidnapping Agent Todd so I could identify Marine 1... and when they search Marta's apartment they will find money and documents traceable to Mossad... Hamas will believe me... Al Qaeda is more wary...

Gibbs: They don't believe you... you're dead...

Ari Haswari: Yes... and if they do... I may learn what they plan as the next 9/11... would you risk losing that opportunity over pride?

Gibbs: [wanting revenge] It's not pride...

Ari Haswari: If not pride then what? Love of country... Sense of duty? I'm sure they exist in you... but what burns is pride my friend... shalom...

Gibbs: [as Ari leaves Gibbs shoots him point blank in the shoulder, just as Ari did with Gerald earlier] Just wanted to help you convince Al Qaeda...

[Gibbs leaves calmly while Ari laughs at Gibbs' resolve]

Tony: Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy?

Gibbs: The Hamas guy! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass! We call him everything but his name. You know why that is?

Tony: Because we don't know his name?

Gibbs: Because you're not working a hot case. I want his name! I want it *today!* And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!

Tony: McGee said you wanted to see me. Actually, he said I was under house arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.

Gibbs: Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?

Tony: Up to my knees?

Gibbs: I see you're familiar with this particular creek.

DiNozzo: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I'm not working a hot case.

Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?

DiNozzo: That's not fair, Boss.

Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?

DiNozzo: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?

Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!

DiNozzo: It does.

Gibbs: Then speak!

DiNozzo: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.

[Gibbs spent the night in his office chair]

Abby Sciuto: Would you be less grumpy if you slept in a bed?

Gibbs: No, I would not!

Abby Sciuto: I didn't think so.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [regarding the terrorist who shot Gerald and Gibbs] Why did he give you a shot at him?

Gibbs: He needs to face death to feel alive. Maybe, to feel anything.

Missile vendor Mark: Nice bike, Mr. Craig.

Ari Haswari: It's a motorcycle. A bike is something one pedals.

Gibbs: Where's Kate and Tony?

Timothy McGee: Went to lunch with Ducky.

Gibbs: When?

Timothy McGee: Uh... about an hour... or so... ago.

Gibbs: I want "or so" in minutes, McGee.

Gibbs: DiNozzo comes back, put him under house arrest.

[Gibbs strides off. McGee is clearly disconcerted]

Timothy McGee: Me?

Ari Haswari: [while pouring wine] It's a very nice Chardonnay, Caitlin. And almost perfectly chilled. I wish you'd taste it.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Let her taste it.

Marta: I don't drink.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: That's right. Muslims don't use alcohol.

Ari Haswari: Well, not at home.

[winks at Kate]

Ari Haswari: [after shooting Marta, a member of his own team] Women should never get involved in politics. It's a waste of beauty.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Directors want your word that you'll forget about Ari. They think you'll blow his cover.

Gibbs: If I get pay back, it won't be by blowing his cover. Why are *you* asking me this and not my director?

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He refused to.

Gibbs: [Gibbs finally laughs] Yeah.

[a furious Gibbs is sanding his boat, producing clouds of sawdust]

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [coughing] How the hell do you breathe in all this dust?

Gibbs: I don't.

Fornell: [shaking his head] Well, you got anything to wash it down with?

Gibbs: [reluctantly, gestures] Top shelf, next to the paint stripper.

[Fornell rummages around on the top shelf, produces a dusty bottle]

Fornell: Who drinks bourbon anymore?

Gibbs: I do.

Fornell: What about a glass?

Gibbs: Use my coffee mug.

Fornell: [cleans the coffee mug, pours some bourbon into it] What about you? [raises the coffee mug to take a drink]

Gibbs: [sharply, snatching the coffee mug of bourbon away from Fornell] I use my coffee mug. You go upstairs and get a glass or drink from the bottle. [he takes a drink of the bourbon]

Fornell: What the hell... [he wipes the mouth of the bottle and drinks a slug, then grimaces widely and coughs]

Fornell: I can see why you keep it next to the paint strippers.

Gibbs: It's 125 proof! You sip it, Fornell.

See No Evil [2.1]

Tony: Anyone, and I mean anyone, know when the air conditioner is getting fixed? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open? Like, what are we on - a space ship? Windows should open!

Gibbs: You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you?

Tony: Yeah, do you, McGee?

Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help you ask Tony. It looks like he could use a workout.

Kate: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee, that's my job today.

Gibbs:(smashing cell phone on desk) I hate this thing! It's crap!

Kate: There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.

Gibbs: See, (holds up smashed phone) there's a reason I didn't trust these things. (tosses it to McGee) Here, reboot that or something. (to Kate) Send her up.

McGee: Reboot it?

Kate: Or you can do what we always do.

(Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened phones and hands it to McGee)

Tony: It's his third one this month.

McGee: They could be using a trojan. She said they were using his computer. A trojan would give them back door access

Tony: You kiss your mother with that mouth, McGee?

McGee: No, Tony. A trojan is a program.

Tony: You think Gibbs keeps that haircut to save on shampoo?

Kate: Because she's a little girl, McGee. They're not typically slobs.

McGee: Remind me to introduce you to my little sister.

Kate: You still pushing to be a full-time field agent?

McGee: Very much so.

Kate: Alright, we need to get into the house. Suggestions?

McGee: Uh, well, the last time I was in this situation, Tony threw a rock through a window.

Kate: Yet another glaring difference between boys and girls. Follow me.

Kate: McGee, can't you tell when someone's kidding with you?

McGee: I used to and then I met you guys.

Tony: Well, you think I could pass for a Marine?

Gibbs: I don't know. Let's shave your head and find out.

Tony: Delivery complete.

Gibbs: That's good work, Tony.

Tony: Thanks, Boss. That means a lot.

Gibbs: If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring.

Gibbs: You inside his computer yet?

Abby: Oh, um...I think, um...

Gibbs: ...need help?

Abby: Yeah.

Gibbs: All you had to do was ask. One of the smartest people I know told me that once.

Abby: Who?

Gibbs: You.

Abby: Face it, McGee. We are doomed.

McGee: Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the pentagon in a single afternoon!

Abby: Yeah, he can.

McGee: You're right, we are doomed.

Abby: I love it when you talk geek.

McGee: I love it that you love it.

Abby (as her computer fizzles and crashes): NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!

McGee: System's over-heated.

Gibbs: So reboot it.

Abby: Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.

Gibbs: (brightly, holding up cell phone) Works for me.

Kate: When I'm a mother, I'm never letting my kids out of my sight.

Tony: Ya, how do you plan on doing that?

Kate: GPS locators strapped to the ankle, audio and video surveillance built into their clothes.

Tony: No, I mean the part about becoming a mother.

McGee: What the hell is it?

Abby: It's probably just some left over bodily fluid.

McGee: Oh, is that all?

Ducky: Well, now that you mention it, I did have a great-uncle who drowned in a vat of alcohol.

McGee: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Ducky: Of course he reportedly climbed out three times to go to the bathroom.

[the air conditioner's broken and Gibbs is drinking coffee]

Kate: Gibbs, it's like a hundred degrees in here. How can you drink that stuff?

Gibbs: It keeps me cool.

Abby: Team Abby. I'm the smart one.

Tony: I also IDed our dirt bag. Pulled his prints from Sandy's...uh... hair things...

Gibbs: Barrettes.

Tony: Right.

Sandy: I know the number of vibrations of every key, like key number 44, E4, that's 329.63 Hz. A5 is 880. My mom says I'm half bat.

Abby: Well, that's cool. I love bats.

Sandy: Me too. I like your voice, Abby; it's kinda gravely.

Abby: Thank you!

Tony:The only train in the area is an Amtrak. It left D.C. at 1620 arrived at Lorton Center 1730, average speed 65 miles an hour. Now we know it passed our dirtbag at 1706, right? So... (tries to do the calculation in his head) Damn it. I owe Mrs. Powers an apology.

McGee: Who?

Tony: My tenth grade math teacher. I told her I'd never be able to use anything she taught us in real life.

McGee: Gibbs, he sent it. I think he's going to shoot her. What do I do?

Gibbs: Something, McGee... Anything!

McGee: (over computer) This is the FBI, Grayson. We have you surrounded, come out with your hands in the air.

Gibbs: We're not the FBI, dirtbag.

Gibbs: Ok look, just for a second just pretend I don't know anything about computers.

Abby: (chuckles) Pretend?

Captain Watson: How'd you figure it out?

Kate: Next time, send your note to the FBI.

Gibbs: [throws the Captain against the wall] Don't you dare tell me that there's a reason for throwing away what you had.

Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?

McGee: Uh, Norfolk.

Gibbs: Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] to a full time field agent.

McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's--

Gibbs: You belong to me now.

Kate: Congratulations!

Tony: Yeah, what she said.

McGee: So, I'm one of you guys now? No more hazing?

Kate and Tony: Sure.

McGee: Well, I-I just want to say that I never took it personal and I--

[Kate and Tony both head-slap McGee]

Tony: You know I could get used to that.

[Kate has McGee by the ear after he accidentally looked up her skirt while working on her computer]

Gibbs: DiNozzo... I just see what I thought I saw?

Tony: Out of respect for my coworkers, boss, I have to say yes, and it's very disturbing.

Gibbs: I agree. Put your damn shirt back on. This is an office building, not a gym.

The Good Wives Club [2.2]

Tony: Let me guess, you never inhaled.

McGee: I inhaled.

Tony: Yeah?

McGee: Once. A little bit.

Tony: How was it?

McGee: Didn't like it.

Kate: You didn't like it?

McGee: No...

Tony and Kate: He didn't inhale.

Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress

Kate: Tony would look cute.

Gibbs: No. He's off interviewing the victim's parents.

Kate: Well, McGee then

Gibbs: No, he's with Tony

Kate: Abby

Gibbs: No, up to her tats in forensic tests.

Kate: Well, what about you? [Gibbs looks at her] You won't have to wear the dress

Vanished [2.3]

Tony: I think Gibbs enjoys this more than sex.

Kate: That would explain the three wives.

Lt. Jane Doe [2.4]

(Tony shows the Bartender a picture of the DB.)

Bartender: Such a sweet countenance.

Tony: Sweet countenance?

Bartender: Yeah, that radiant look on her face.

Tony: She doesn't look radiant, she's dead.

Bartender: In that picture?

Tony: Yeah, she's dead.

Bartender: She's dead?

Tony: She's dead. Why do ya think her eyes are closed.

Bartender: I thought she was meditating.

Tony: Nothing says welcome to manhood as perfectly as a skillful lapdance.

Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.

Bartender: Some man raped and murdered her?!? [looks at Tony who has been hitting on her]

Tony: It wasn't me!

The Boneyard [2.5]

FBI Agent Fornell: Anyone ever told you you're an insufferable bastard?

Gibbs: [pleased] Yeah.

FBI Agent: Are you always a smart-ass?

Tony: Only to you boys from the Hoover building.

FBI Agent Fornell: Realising how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs.

[Kate and Tony go undercover posing as a trashy couple going for a paternity test.]

Kate: You writin' my name right?

Tony: What! I just wanna know if it's mine. She kinda sleeps around a lot if you know what I mean.

Kate: If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.

Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.

Kate: You slept with my sista!

Tony: I thought it was you!

Kate: She weighs 300 pounds.

Tony: She was wearing your earrings.

Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin' you.

Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behing you two doors on the right.

Kate: Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.]

Tony: I'm sorry. She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same time.

Kate: Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.

Tony: You never met his second wife.

Jimmy Napalitano: I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and then after the funerals I'll kill you.

Gibbs: No brothers. No uncles. My father passed away 16 years ago. But I do have 3 ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [we hear the sound of Jimmy hanging up] Huh! He hung up!

Terminal Leave [2.6]

Willy: Have you shot anybody?

Tony: Not this week.

Tony: I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.

Gibbs: He reminds me of you.

Jimmy: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset.

Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?

Jimmy: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.

Abby: Machine making pretty pictures now.

Kate: [After catching Tony listening through the door to Jen's room as her parents yell at her] What are you doing?!?

Tony: Uh... listening.

Kate: That is just wrong.

Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al Qaeda assassins... that's... wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.

[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.]

Call of Silence [2.7]

Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.

Ernie Yost: You... you were never an officer?

Gibbs: Ah, hell no!

Ernie Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you.

Ernie Yost: You conned me, Gunny.

Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?

Ernie Yost: You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it.

Ernie Yost: (to Yoshida) And you were never on Iwo Jima.

Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no. Guadalcanal.

Yost:(to Tony) Whadda you know? You weren't even a gleam in your old man's eye!

Yost: It's not a water cooler, it's called a scuttlebutt. How long you been in the Corps?

Tony: Since I met Gibbs.

Heart Break [2.8]

Abby: So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.

Gibbs: Is that a band?

Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs.

Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.

Gibbs: Doubt it...

Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.

Gibbs: Ya? I bet you won't.

Abby: She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.

Tony: You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.

Kate: Really? You, a doctor?

Tony: Anthony DiNozzo... comma... MD.

Kate: (laugh) Let me guess, a gynecologist.

Tony: Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.

McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.

Tony: Of course you did, Probie.

Palmer: (to a dead body) I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.

Abby: (in a deep voice) NO! Don't put me back in the dark!

(Palmer jumps back)

Palmer: Abby! You made me almost...

Abby: (smiling) I made you almost what?... (in a deep voice) Jimmy.

Forced Entry [2.9]

Abby: Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.

Gibbs: Or it just means he's never been caught.

Abby: [resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.

Abby: [referring to an online fantasy site] I did a little trial and error with Laura Rowan's screenname, HomeAlone325, and Jeremy Davison's NiceGuy653. Care to guess which fetish they have in common, Kate?

Kate: No, no. I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.

Chained [2.10]

Tony: Kate, Kate?

Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate?

Tony: My dog. She must have run away after the crash.

Motorcycle Rider: What does she look like?

Tony: A Shih-Tzu.

Motorcycle Rider: A what?

Tony: Long brown hair, kinda mangy?

Kate: Arrrrrrrg.

Abby: Is something wrong?

Kate: Gibbs is driving.

Abby: I'm sending a prayer in many languages.

Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?

Abby: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?

Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.

Deputy Secretary of State: And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?

McGee: He told me to tell you... stick it.

Deputy Secretary of State: You're telling me to...?

McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Mrs. Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.

McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.

Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?

McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.

Gibbs: McGee. Good job.

Black Water [2.11]

Ducky: Do you suspect foul play?

Gibbs: Well, you know me, Ducky...I suspect everything.

Ducky: Yes, that's an admirable trait for an investigator. And also, I suspect, the reason your 3 marriages ended in divorce.

Gibbs: Really? And all this time, I thought it was because I'm a bastard.

Doppelgänger [2.12]

Abby: [yelling] What?!

Gibbs: [pulls the phone from his ear, looks at it, puts it back to his ear] Yikes, Abby. What did McGee do now?

Abby: Put his size 10 shoe in his size 12 mouth.

McGee: Are you wishing you were a computer geek?

Tony: I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie.

Gibbs: You, blood spatters!

Abby: (hangs head and shuffles away) Yo ho heave ho...

McGee: You just ruled out both suspects.

Abby: No, I didn't. I just proved someone smoked Llamas at Rock Creek park.

McGee dials Gibbs.

[Cut to Gibbs making out with Karen. He picks up the phone.]

Gibbs: Gibbs.

McGee: Boss. I don't know if this is important, but --

Gibbs: McGee, this better be the most important phone call you make in your life.

[McGee tries to hand the phone to Abby, she dives out of the way]

Niles: Wow, I'm amazed you found that.

McGee: Actually, I didn't. Our forensic scientist, Abby Scuito, did.

Niles: Wow, this Scuito, she must be hot.

[...]

Gibbs: He wanted us to look for a body.

McGee: We still would be if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail.

Niles: Man, I got to meet this woman.

McGee: She's probably not your type. Tattoos, piercings, dark make-up...

Niles: She Goth?

McGee: Uh-huh.

Niles: I love Goth.

Abby: Nobody gets everything right the first time, McGee. Except Gibbs.

The Meat Puzzle [2.13]

Kate: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was younger?

Gibbs: Illya Kuryakin. (this is a reference to the fact that when he was younger, David McCallum, who plays the part of Donald "Ducky" Mallard in NCIS also played the role of Illya Kuryakin in the series The Man from U.N.C.L.E.)

Tony: [referring to Ducky's elderly mother] Her last words to me were either I'm gonna slit your throat... or kiss your moat... I couldn't tell cause she was slurring.

Tony: Tony DiNozzo. Italian, gigolo, furniture mover.

Gibbs: The homicide detective, that completes the team.

Ducky: You're forgetting the medical examiner.

Jimmy: Oh, that's you!

Ducky: Mother, this is Caitlin. [Ducky's mother spits at Kate] Mother, we talked about this. She is here to protect us!

Mother: Show me your knickers.

Kate: Ma'am?

Mother: Underwear, missy! I can always tell a woman's intentions by her panties.

Tony: It's always been my philosophy.

Kate: You're relieved, Tony.

Tony: Oh, thank you. [pointing to the dog] This is Contessa, she likes it rough.

Witness [2.14]

Gibbs: It's a convertible sofa. Slept on one once for seven months.

Tony: That would be after the third wife. (Gibbs looks at him.) That would be none of my business.

Gibbs: Get her number?

Tony: I wasn't hitting on her, and neither was Petty Officer Dylan. She was interested in him, but he has a girlfriend.

Gibbs: Did you get her name?

Tony: Meg. Fits a hot chick like that

(Gibbs slaps him)

Tony: You meant Dylan's girlfriend.

Abby: I enjoy going to the dentist.

Kate: What could you possibly enjoy?

Abby: A little pain is a good thing, Kate.

Gibbs: What did the urine tell you, Abby?

Abby: Oh all kinds of stuff, we had a really good talk.

Gibbs: (About Tony) You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the results.

McGee: What do you got, Abs?

Abby: (to Gibbs) Do I have to answer the newbie?

Gibbs: Humour him.

Abby: There were traces of cocaine in the box.

McGee: So Tony was right, he was dealing drugs.

Abby: Maybe not, the traces were microscopic so it could just be from hiding money.

(McGee looks confused)

Abby: He calls himself a federal agent.

Gibbs: U.S. money supply is contaminated with traces of cocaine.

McGee: I thought that was an urban myth.

Abby: Give me a bill.

McGee: Huh?

Abby: Give me a bill!

(McGee hands her a bill)

Gibbs: A hundred?

McGee: Ya, I like to be prepared for any emergency

Abby: You are such a boy scout

(Abby rubs bill on paper)

Abby: Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.

(Abby goes back to work, without giving back the bill)

McGee: Um, Abs?

Abby: Ya?

McGee: Forgetting something?

Abby: No.

McGee: I knew Erin saw what she saw, that feeling in my gut was right.

Tony: That feeling you experienced was lower than your gut, probie.

Kate: A dear John, by email? What a calculating witch. She gives all women a bad name.

Tony: I'm never getting married, there's no up side to it.

Kate: That's not true. Statistically, married men live longer.

Tony: They don't actually live longer, it just seems longer.

Kate: You're so cynical.

Tony: Am I? Marriage was never intended to last more than a few years.

Kate: And where did you get that?

Tony: Anthropology 101. The concept was invented by cavemen with a life expectancy of 25 years. "Til death do us part" meant four or five years tops.

Kate: (laughing) That was very enlightening Di'Nozzo, and I do understand now. You think like a neanderthal.

Gibbs: Any more food fights in here, I'm joining in. With peas.

Kate: Frozen peas?

Gibbs: Nope. In the can.

Caught on Tape [2.15]

Kate: Abby, tell Tony that a man and a woman can be friends.

Abby: Sure.

Tony: Without having sex?

Abby: Oh, they have sex.

Kate: Abby?!

Abby: Come on, Kate. Haven't you ever slept with a friend?

Kate: (upset) What is wrong with you people?

Gibbs: (steps in) Good question, Kate.

Abby: (referring to what people are saying on a tape) We have to something.... we have to blank him.

McGee: Kill?

Kate: Murder?

Tony: Love? (Gibbs slaps him) Ow. I wish you'd stop doing that!

Gibbs: I will, DiNozzo! When you stop blanking up!!

McGee: So, how bad is it? (referring to the poison ivy covering half his face.)

Abby: Umm...Would you prefer the truth or a lie... to... lessen the weight of your own self loathing?

McGee: I'd actually prefer the lie.

Abby: Me too.

Tony: I'll take it. I've always wanted a dog. (The dog growls and tries to bite him.)

Kate: Good dog. I think I'll call you Tony.

Gibbs: It's a bitch, Kate.

Kate: I know.

Tony: Looks like we're going to play Gibbs' favorite game...

Abby: Ooo! Musical interrogation rooms!

An Eye for an Eye [2.17]

Tony: A dead transexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline Kate?

Kate: Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.

Tony: That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!

McGee: Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor 'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink with his pupils?'

Kate: Gibbs will get over it

McGee: When?

Kate: well let's see last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to him ooh about an hour ago. So roughly eight to ten months.

Lt. Col. Bushnell: I got your email Special Agent Gibbs and to tell you the truth, I was shocked - when did you learn to use a computer?

Abby: You are getting sneakier the older you get!

Gibbs: Not to mention better looking.

Bikini Wax [2.18]

Kate : Look all I am trying to say is that it is very unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid for his shirt.

Tony : That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the late 70's.

Gibbs : We have a body in Virginia. McGee?

McGee : Yeah.

Gibbs : Call Ducky.

McGee : Got it.

Tony : Hey a boss have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons case I gave you ?

Gibbs: No I haven't DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was having a sale.

Kate: Give him 5 seconds...

McGee: Until what?

Kate: Until he notices there's a ...

Tony: BIKINI CONTEST?!

Jimmy: Something wrong, doctor?

Ducky: Her head is in the toilet, Mr. Palmer.

Jimmy: Oh, right.

Gibbs: What about his prints?

Abby: I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn't jive.

McGee: Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?

Abby: (nonchalantly) No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just like "screw it".

Conspiracy Theory [2.19]

Gibbs: Make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my thing (gesturing to his computer after Fornell has been using it)

McGee: Goat rope?

Tony: Marine term Probie.

Kate: It means half way between FUBAR and SNAFU.

McGee: Okay, uh what's FUBAR?

Kate and Tony together: You are!

Abby: Correct as always my silver-haired fox - I mean Gibbs, sir, boss.

Abby: See this? [Holds up bandaged finger]

Gibbs: Yes.

Abby: I cut myself today installing a graphics card in my computer.

Gibbs: Okay. Do you want me to kiss it or something?

Abby: That would be really nice, but it's not my point.

McGee: So what's the plan? Good cop/bad cop?

Kate: More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.

McGee: Which one is which?

Kate: You'll have to ask their ex-wives to find out.

Red Cell [2.20]

Gibbs: You tell Abby I want her.

Abby (entering the room from behind him): Oh Gibbs I never knew!

Kate: I hate to say it, but that was actually smart Tony.

Gibbs: What was Kate?

Kate: Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker.

Gibbs: It's his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?

McGee: What kind of interrogation technique is that?

Gibbs: The DiNozzo method. Not pretty but it's effective.

Tony: Hey, turn that frown upside down, sweetie... we're going back to college!

Kate: Your problem, Tony, is you never left.

McGee: Is Gibbs still mad at me?

Tony: About what, probie? Dead marine on campus? Missing petty officer? Computer hacker who might be part of a radical peace movement? None of these things are your fault, really... But sending Gibbs on a panty raid?

Kate: He's going to kill you.

Gibbs: You find my hacker yet?

Tony: McGee's upstairs working on it.

Gibbs: I didn't ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that damn hacker! (walks out the room)

Tony: Did you hear that, Palmer?

Palmer: He sounded pretty upset.

Tony: No. (smiles) He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally.

Hometown Hero [2.21]

Tony: (while attempting to guess what McGee's first car was, McGee starts to reply) If you say Datsun Honeybee, I'm gonna come over there and smack you.

SWAK [2.22]

Gibbs: Never had allergies. Never had a cold.

Kate: Never had a cold?

Gibbs: Nope! Never had the flu either.

Kate: Why do I believe that?

Tony (sotto voice): If you were a bug would you attack Gibbs?

Kate: Tony, Please, we're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?

Tony: Deal.

Kate: Thank you.

(In the showers.)

Tony: Who would send me a letter with anthrax?

Kate: Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.

Tony: That's not funny, Kate.

Kate: Yeah, I know.

Tony: This is serious.

Kate: I know, Tony! I'm sorry.

Tony: At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!

McGee: You know, it might not be anthrax.

Tony: I like the sound of that, Probie!

McGee: It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...

Tony: Probie!

McGee: ...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...

Tony: Honeydust!

McGee: "Honeydust"?

Tony: Honeydust. I give it to girls.

(Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.)

Tony: Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.

Kate: (chuckles) You don't use the whole chicken?

McGee: I never heard of honeydust.

Kate: Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.

Gibbs: It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey.

(Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and look at Gibbs')

Gibbs: Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.

Tony: Ah...I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...

(Tony is cut off by Kate)

Kate: Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?

McGee: Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.

Tony: The diseases that you name, they-they have DNA?

McGee: They do.

Kate: Oh, you should have let him squirm.

Tony: Ha ha! Then, it's no worries!

Gibbs: Unless the post office screwed up again.

Tony: So, tell me doc. What have I got?

Dr. Pitt: (sighs) Pneumonic Plague.

Tony: Plague? (chuckles) Plague..

Kate: That's right Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a disease from the dark ages.

Tony: I didn't put plague in the letter.

Kate: You opened it!

Tony: Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like you're lying... (Tony stops talking because he thinks he gave it to her)

Kate: Yeah. That's right Travolta. I'm infected too.

Tony: (sincere) Oh Kate, I'm sorry.

Kate: Well you're going to be sorry-ier.

Tony: (all serious) No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it.

(Gibbs slaps Tony)

Tony: If I get anthrax, how will you feel?

Gibbs: Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!

Abby: You're so right Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?

McGee: Oh yeah- the low cut red dress with the built in plastic...

Gibbs: (smacks McGee over the head)

Abby: I saw that!

Gibbs: Work, or you'll feel it!

Abby: Not while you're down there!

Gibbs: What?!

Twilight [2.23]

(Gibbs brings Tony back to the office, who had been recovering from y.pestis, and is puzzled by Kate and McGee ignoring him)

Tony: (watches the team gear up for a call-out, still ignored, and disconcerted) Maybe I did die.

Gibbs: (stands next to him) You feel that?

Tony: (glances at Gibbs) What?

(Gibbs headslaps him as Tony winces and gives him a dumbfounded look)

Gibbs: (smiles) You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: Come on, DiNozzo. We've got problems - someone's trying to kill us again.

Gibbs: Make the ringer thing work.

Gibbs: He's not looking for a terrorist cell. He's running it!

Gibbs: You get Fornell in here.

DiNozzo: What should I tell him?

Gibbs: Tell him he's about to make the second biggest mistake of his life!

Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro? That’s very dramatic. What was the first?

Gibbs: When you married my second wife.

Fornell: You could have warned me!

Gibbs: I did!

McGee: Is it me, or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?

Tony: That's because he's looking forward to it.

McGee: Looking forward to what?

Tony: To finally getting to kill him.

Gibbs: Protection detail's over, Kate.

Tony: You did good.

Gibbs: For once, I agree DiNozzo's right

Kate: (stands up) Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever heard...

Ari Haswari: (on distant rooftop, coldly, looking up from his sniper rifle) Sorry, Caitlin...

Gibbs: Ari.

Kate: Damn it Tony I should just take you home and just get you into bed...

Kill Ari: Part 1 [3.1]

Gibbs: You first.

Tony: Ziva David, Mossad, she's here to stop you from whacking Ari. Yours?

Gibbs: Director Jenny Shepard, same mission.

Tony: Which agency?

Gibbs: Ours.

Tony: Yeah?

Kate: Why me, Gibbs? Wasn't stopping one bullet enough for you? Why did I have to take two?

Gibbs: I -- I don't know.

Kate: You don't know? Come on, Gibbs, what's that famous gut tell you? Why did I die instead of you?

Tony: That's a first.

McGee: He called me "Tim."

Tony: Patted my back.

McGee: It was kind of nice.

Tony: Nice? I don't want nice! It's not Gibbs if he's nice!

Abby: What can I do for you?... What?

Tony: You're weirder than Gibbs.

Abby: How so?

Tony: He's being nice.

Abby: Gibbs is always nice.

Tony: To you and Ducky, maybe; me, he growls at and smacks on the head.

Abby: Which makes you feel wanted.

Tony: Yeah!

[Tony shields Abby from gunfire.]

Abby: You're heavy.

Tony: Sorry.

Abby: No wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle.

Tony: Abby, shh.

Abby: Packing a nice booty, too.

Tony: Hey, this is how you deal with getting shot at?

Abby: I don't know it's my first time.

Kate: Your mother should have washed your mind out with soap. Gibbs leaves with a woman and your only thought is 'nooner'.

Tony: Was not.

Kate: Was too. I've always known what you were thinking, Tony. What? What are you up to? Tony, I just died and you're having a sexual fantasy?

Tony: Can't help it.

Kate: DiNozzo!

Tony: Sometimes I used to picture you naked. [notices Ziva watching him] I'll call you back. [pretends to hang up his speakerphone] Hi. I was just...

Ziva: Having phone sex?

Tony: Phone sex? No. Umm... Charades.

Ziva: Charades? Like uh... [gestures]

Tony: You've played.

Ziva: Never on the telephone.

Tony: Yeah. My partner and I were coming up with quotes for Saturday night.

Ziva: You play charades on Saturday night?

Tony: To kill time before I go clubbing. Who are you?

Ziva: Ziva David, Mossad.

Tony: You're Israeli?

Ziva: Very good. The way you've made that connection. Mossad, Israeli.

Tony: What can I do for you, miss David.

Ziva: Nothing. I'm here to see special agent Gibbs.

Tony: How do you know I'm not Gibbs?

Ziva: Gibbs?

Tony: He'll be back in an hour. You're sure I can't help you?

Ziva: I don't think so.

Tony: We got off to a bad start. I'm special agent Tony DiNozzo. I wasn't playing charades, I was remembering my partner.

Ziva: Naked?

Tony: No. Yes. I was just... Look, I'm not the only man who does it.

Ziva: Oh, women do it to. [deliberately looks him over] With handsome men. And even an occasional woman.

Tony: Now you're teasing me.

Ziva: Didn't your partner tease you?

Tony: Not about... sex. Kate was kind of puritanical.

Ziva: Sorry.

Tony: It didn't matter... I wasn't interested in her... We were partners.

Ziva: She wasn't attractive?

Tony: She was. Not to me.

Ziva: Than why did you imagine her naked?

Tony: Miss David, you can sit there and slouch provocatively for an hour if you'd like or you can tell me what you need and maybe I can help.

Ziva: You can't help because I'm here to stop special agent Gibbs from killing a Mossad officer.

Tony: Ari Haswari?

Ziva: Yes.

Tony: You know what? [leans in] I'd wish you luck, but I want the bastard dead too.

Kill Ari: Part 2 [3.2]

Gibbs: (on the phone with Tony) I don't believe in coincidences! (pause) Haven't I beat that into you!?

Tony: (on the other end) I know! That's what I said!

McGee: You want me to go with you boss?

Gibbs: No, Tony's out, stay with Abby.

Abby: For nobody leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building!

Gerald: I've never driven a stick.

Abby: Are you serious?

McGee: What, you can drive a stick?

Abby: Yeah, since I was like ten.

Gerald: What were you driving when you were ten?

Abby: A red '47 Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.

McGee: Bubba?

Abby: Best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.

Gibbs: From now on, we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Corp.

Abby: Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?

Gibbs: What is it, Abs?

Abby: Can I please go back to my lab? I'm flipping out up here with nothing to do.

Gibbs: Okay, but don't leave the --

Abby: Don't leave the building. I know. Bravo Yankee Echo.

Tony: How long have you known I was --

Ziva: Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.

Tony: I don't think so.

Ziva: Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on --

Tony: Okay, okay. You knew.

Ziva: [handing him a cup of coffee] Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.

Tony: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.

Ziva: Our training?

Tony: Modesty.

Tony: [after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined Mossad?

Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...

Tony: Family tradition?

Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.

Tony: So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?

Ziva: Aunt. Sister. Illicit lesbian lover.

Mind Games [3.3]

Abby: (while McGee is ignoring her) I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. I haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his silver hair that gets me all tingly inside...

Tony: (who's entered) Excuse me, I think I'm going to vomit...

Abby: I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot.

Tony: What seems to be the problem Abs?

Abby: McGee's ignoring me!

Tony: Easily fixable.

[He slaps McGee on the back of his head.]

McGee: Ow! What was that for?

Tony: Don't ignore Abby - She's sensitive.

[last lines; condemned serial killer Kyle Boone expects a stay of execution, since a copycat killer that only Boone can identify is on the loose and has kidnapped Cassidy.]

Boone: He's carving your name on her back right now.

Gibbs: Game's over. Back to the death row.

Boone: Gibbs! Gibbs! The governor call yet? 'Cause they're not gonna kill me now. I'm the only one who can identify the killer. Hey, you think she screamed when he cut out her tongue, Jethro?

Gibbs: I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself?

[Paula Cassidy enters the corridor and Boone's eyes widen.]

Paula: I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.

Tony: He's kinda dead.

[Boone is speechless.]

Gibbs: Enjoy hell.

[Boone is dragged away, screaming.]

Silver War [3.4]

Ziva: I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. [muttered] I feel like a donkey's butt.

McGee: A donkey's butt?

Tony: I think she means horse's ass.

Ziva: Yes, that too.

Ziva: You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... oh, wrong words... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the little spikies!?

McGee: Porcupine?

Ziva: 'Porcupine'! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Tony: You want something to read?

Ziva: What do you have?

Tony: [pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.

Ziva: [pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.

Tony: [checks his copy] I always thought that was an urban legend.

Gibbs: While you're here, you will be an observer. Hand over all your weapons.

Ziva: You're kidding, right?

[Gibbs just looks at her. Ziva removes her sidearm and gives it to him.]

Gibbs: And your back-up.

Ziva: What back-up?

Gibbs: Left leg.

Ziva: Ah. That one. [removes ankle holster]

Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] That, you can keep. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.

Abby: McGee, never forget. I am one of few people, in the world, who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.

[Gibbs and Tony arrive to find Ziva standing over two restrained suspects and a woman with a knife in her chest]

Tony: Remind me never to piss her off.

Gibbs: You have no idea.

Switch [3.5]

Ducky: I hope you brought more appropriate footwear, Mr. Palmer. The journey to our petty officer looks rather challenging.

Jimmy: Don't worry, doctor, I have a merit badge in hiking.

Ducky: I have a driver's license, Mr. Palmer. It doesn't mean I turn up at the Indianapolis in my Morgan.

Ziva: [about Tony] Is he always this juvenile?

McGee: Only on the days of the week ending with the word "day."

Tony: [about Ziva's driving] Let's just say it's an acquired taste, like regurgitated lunch.

Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware of?

Gibbs: About fifty of them.

Ziva: And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could--

Gibbs: No.

Ziva: Then how am I supposed to--

Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you!

Ziva: (on Gibbs) It takes him a while to warm up to people, huh?

Tony: Want to know the secret to getting on his good side?

Ziva: Of course.

Tony: So would I.

Ducky: Actually I found the ladies tend to be sympathetic towards visible injury.

Jimmy: Really?

Ducky: Yes my first year in college, I suffered an unfortunate injury to my testicles. The excruciating pain was offset by an impressive swelling, which Ramona Kincaid, bless her heart, found extremely fascinating.

(the team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony)

Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?

Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.

(chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene)

Tony: (to McGee, as they work the crime scene) If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.

McGee: Really?

Tony: I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?

McGee: Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?

(Tony slowly gives him a stare)

McGee: (falters) Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...

Tony: I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...

(crime scene is a car crash below a very steep slope, and Ducky calls to the agents to come down and help find a bullet)

McGee: (exchanges uneasy looks with Tony) Well... as, you've pointed out many times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.

Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, probie.

McGee: How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?

Tony: How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?

Abby: Gibbs, it might not be rigged with a bomb, per se. I love saying "per se." It's one of those phrases no one really knows what means, but you use it anyway, 'cause... Am I off topic again?

Gibbs: Big time.

[searching a Naval officer's house]

Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.

Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.

McGee: She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”

Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.

Tony: Check book.

Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.

Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol’ U.S. of A... (sees the checkbook) These are really, really high.

[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]

Ziva: I think it’s the-

Tony: Shh!

(they walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps)

Tony: It’s a...

Ziva: It’s a marmoset.

McGee: Actually, that’s a capuchin.

Gibbs: I'd hate to start smacking you like I do DiNozzo.

Abby: You wouldn't! [pause] You would?

Gibbs: It won't be on the head.

Tony: We're not going anywhere.

McGee: What? Until I apologize?

Tony: No! Not until you apologize. We're in the wrong damn car!

Abby: I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger happy. [holds up bag of incinerated evidence] Do you have any idea what's "beyond smithereens"?

Gibbs: No.

Abby: Neither do I.

Ziva: I thought maybe I could help.

Abby: [scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensics?

Ziva: No, but I am very good at jigsaw puzzles.

Abby: [softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.

Abby: Yes, but it could--

Gibbs:--take a while.

Abby: [smiles] See? There's a connection.

Ziva: Couldn't keep what in his pants?

Tony: You're kidding, right? [sees that Ziva isn't kidding; he starts miming]

Ziva: Dancing?

Tony: [slightly incredulous, then sarcastic] Yeah, dancing.

The Voyeur's Web [3.6]

Ziva: Where did all these people come from?

Tony: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale's day.

Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?

McGee: No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.

Ziva: Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?

Tony: One man's junk is another man's treasure.

Ziva: In Israel we have a saying: zevel ze zevel. "Crap is crap."

Tony: If things get hairy, just follow my lead.

Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I have been in hundreds of these situations.

Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.

Ziva: I've never had sex with you either - does that mean I'm a virgin?

Ziva: Which proves what I've long suspected - despite the conservative image, Americans really love their porn.

Tony: Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Do what you do best.

McGee: What, you mean screwing up?

Tony: No, finding answers when no one else can.

Ziva: That was nice of you.

Tony: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.

Ziva: I thought the expression was "dog."

Tony: Same difference.

Honor Code [3.7]

Jen: Always admired your way with children. Ever think to have any of your own?

Gibbs: That an offer, Jen?

Ziva: Frank Connell is a deacon at his church, never had a moving violation, let alone a parking ticket, and he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is spic and spam.

Tony: The saying is "spic and span." Spam is lunch meat.

Ziva: Oh. What exactly is span then?

Tony: Span is, uh... I'll get back to you on that.

Ziva: ... The boy has remarkable memory. There’s also someone here from Social Security to pick him up.

Gibbs: Services, Ziva. Social Security is for older people.

Ziva: Noted.

Ziva: They owed me a favor.

McGee: How many people owe you a favor?

Ziva: How many dates has Tony in a month?

Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for forty-seven hours.

Ziva: If he's not dead, he soon will be.

McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?

Ziva: Oh, I can convince her of far more than that.

Gibbs: How long?

Ziva: Not long.

Gibbs: McGee, you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.

McGee: Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there? [Gibbs just looks at him] I don't want to know. [Gibbs shakes his head] Okay.

Under Covers [3.8]

Ziva: There is a big chance that this is a set-up, Tony.

Tony: Are you scared?

Ziva: No... excited.

[Midway through Tony and Ziva's undercover act as married assassins, Abby calls with autopsy results that show the wife was pregnant.]

Tony: Maybe she didn't know.

Ziva: Oh, she knew.

Tony: Then why do this job and risk losing the baby?

Ziva: Maybe she needed the money.

Tony: Yeah, kids are expensive...

Ziva: And bullets are cheap.

Ziva: What are you doing?

Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.

Ziva: Don't!

Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father!

[F.B.I. Agents Maya and Yussif were doing surveillance on Tony and Ziva, and are convinced the two actually had sex.]

Maya: We're talking about your agents pretending to be married assassins.

Yussif: Very convincing.

Maya: I don't think anyone in the FBI would actually go all the way just to sell a cover story.

Yussif: (eyeing Maya) I would.

McGee: Guys, they were acting.

Yussif:Trust me. I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.

Maya: It's true. I've met his wife.

Tony: We really should take you to see the doctor, Sweet Cheeks.

Ziva: Why’s that?

Tony: Because you snore like a drunken sailor with emphysema.

Ziva: Look who’s calling the pot black.

Tony: Kettle. The pot is calling the kettle black.

Jen: Sorry, Jethro, I'm a little tired.

Gibbs: Well, yeah, you never could pace yourself very well.

Jen: I have one word for you, Jethro. Positano.

Gibbs: Come on! That was a week after I took a bullet.

Jen: Mmm...

Gibbs: You're not the only one around here who knows how to play politics.

Jen: You're not serious. Your idea of politics usually involves some form of physical violence.

Gibbs: Well you know what they say, Jen. Can't make an omelet unless you break a few eggs.

[In the privacy of the elevator, Gibbs and Fornell quickly hammer out a cooperation agreement.]

Fornell: And people say we're bastards?

Gibbs: Only because they know us.

Ziva: Good plan... except from one thing.

Tony: What is that?

Ziva: As soon as I leave, they'll most likely put a bullet through your head.

Tony: Well... I didn't say the plan was perfect.

[After being rescued.]

Tony: I want a divorce!

Ducky: There doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?

Tony: I wasn't counting.

Ziva: Seven times.

Tony: She was, of course.

Ziva: It was hard not to.

Frame-Up [3.9]

Palmer: I'll bet Tony made some unseemly comment about these legs, didn't he?

Ducky: Why would he do that, Mr. Palmer?

Palmer: I just mean, uh, knowing Tony - They're fairly shapely legs, Doctor.

Ducky: Yes. Nobody had the bad taste to verbalize such a thought, though, until now.

Tony: [to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?

Ziva: I would never! ...Okay, I maybe I would, but I didn't.

Tony: Someone's setting me up.

Gibbs: Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?

Tony: Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.

Ziva: Wouldn't they all have grudges?

Tony: You see my dilemma.

McGee: Mike Macaluso.

Gibbs: He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.

Tony: They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.

Abby: What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?

Tony: I didn't arrest him, Abby.

Abby: Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.

McGee: You know, maybe you should expand the list, just to include people that just hate you.

Tony: Hate me? Nobody hates me.

McGee: Paula Cassidy.

Tony: Don't go there. People like me. I'm a nice guy.

McGee: What about the, uh, woman who posted your picture on the herpes alert website?

Tony: Lieutenant Pam Kim.

Abby: She so went Fatal Attraction on you.

Tony: Boiled the bunny.

McGee: Oh, don't forget about Mrs. Dean.

Ziva: Another girlfriend?

McGee: No, she threatened to cut off his [gestures] when Tony put her husband away for murdering his first wife.

Ziva: Speaking about wives, what about your ex-girlfriend, Monica?

Tony: Well, I always break up with them when I find out they're married, Ziva.

Ziva: The personnel in the evidence garage!

Tony: What about 'em?

Ziva: They hate you.

McGee: She's right; you never wait your turn to check in evidence.

Ziva: And women don't appreciate being called "baggie bunnies."

Gibbs: Eight years. Three different forces.

Tony: That's a lot of names and people to remember, boss.

Gibbs: Ziva, take the women. McGee, you take the men. I'll pull case files of the ones DiNozzo put away who aren't on the list.

Tony: Wait a minute, you never do anything. [Gibbs dope-slaps him] 'Cause you're such a good delegator.

Sacks: This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!

Fornell: You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?

Tony: You know, I've been thinking. I'm a federal prosecutor's dream.

Tony: Because I'm angry, and I'm immature, and I like control!

Tony: Yes, I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but, you know, those are the breaks when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in the woods in the middle of the night! Right?

Tony: I'm not getting out of this one, am I, boss?

[Gibbs gestures him over, then slaps him upside the head]

Tony: Thank you, boss.

Abby: [raises hands as if in prayer] For a second, I lost my faith in... But now I know, that forensics was just testing me. And I will rise up, and I will find the man that did this to Tony, and I will crucify him!

Ziva: We've been barking up the wrong tree the entire investigation.

Tony: Bush.

Ziva: Sorry. Barking up the wrong...bush?

Tony: (grins) Tree.

Ziva: [slams Stewart against the wall] We have a warrant now.

Stewart: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.

Ziva: No? I can think of at least two things. Framing an NCIS agent for murder, and really, really, really pissing him off. [nods toward Gibbs]

Abby: [indicating Chip bound and gagged on the floor] Now can I work alone?

Probie [3.10]

Tony: The first time I shot someone... I wet my pants.

(McGee laughs)

Tony: If you tell anyone, I will slap you silly.

Jen: What are you thinking about?

Gibbs: Paris.

Jen: Get your mind out of the bedroom, Jethro.

Tony: (Referring to Ziva teasing him) You're enjoying this a lot, aren't you?

Ziva: Oh... Yes.

Tony: (on the phone to sperm bank) DiNozzo, big D, little I, big N, little ozzo.

Jethro: First, Abby's lab nerd frames Tony for murder, now McGee shoots a cop... did someone break a mirror?

Ziva: Halligan’s on the goat. Oh, no! Not goat. Sheep?

McGee: Lam?

Ziva: That’s it.

Tony: He’s on the lam. There’s no “B” in that, by the way.

Ziva: Thank you.

McGee: I'm not like you guys. Gibbs was a Marine sniper, you were trained as a cop, Kate protected the President of the United States, God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad.

Model Behavior [3.11]

Jen: [on the phone to Gibbs] Gibbs, where are you?

Gibbs: [opening Director's office door behind Jen] Right behind you.

Jen: I really hate it when you do that. [she hangs up]

Gibbs: Okay, you want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number.

Jen: You're going to apologize?

Gibbs: No, ask her to dinner.

Ziva: [referring to a model] You really find her attractive?

Tony: Yeah?

Ziva: Well I want to shoot her!

Tony: [catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?

Ziva: It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.

Tony: Well, this is just the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.

Ziva: We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America for his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!

Tony: Yeah, tell him, McGee.

McGee: Well, it depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.

Tony: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.

McGee: That's not TV.

Tony: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.

Ziva: [shocked]

McGee: It's an elf lord.

Tony: [laughing] Whatever.

Gibbs: Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!

McGee: Boss, I think I might have something.

Gibbs: Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

Boxed In [3.12]

Tony: Hey, if this thing goes off --

Ziva: This is not your fault, I know.

Tony: No, I was going to say...your life would have more meaning if you'd slept with me.

Tony: Why are you on top of me?

Ziva: I'm protecting you, Tony.

Tony: Don't.

Ziva: Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.

Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.

Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?

Tony: Let me rephrase the question: why are you still on top of me? [Ziva smiles]

Tony: I'm not getting any reception. How about you?

Ziva: I'm bra-less

Tony: I noticed that earlier, but on your phone they're bars.

Ziva: Don’t you have anything better to do than correct my English?

Ziva: I can't tell where we are going.

Tony: There are only three ways we are going to get there: Train --

Ziva: That's quaint. We could be like those homos in those old movies

Tony: Hobos! Not homos.

Ziva: Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me.

McGee: Where are you going?

Ziva: I've been locked in a box all day. The ladies' room!

Deception [3.13]

(Tony and Ziva in plain clothes get caught by a gun-holding security officer while searching a suspect's house)

Tony: Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.

Security Officer: Yeah? What agency?

Ziva: NCIS.

Security Officer: Never heard of it.

Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigators...

Security Officer: Never. Heard. Of. It.

Tony: (sighs) Never actually get used to that. You think you do, but you never do.

Security Officer: (speaking into his radio) Backup? Got two suspects claiming to be Feds.

Tony: (glances at the radio) No little red light on the radio mean radio not working.

[Ziva escapes her cuffs and subdues the obnoxious Security Officer, aiming her gun at him.]

Tony: Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?

Ziva: He called me dirtbag.

Security Officer: (whimpering) I'm sorry, ma'am.

Ziva: (exasperated) Ma'am??

(Tony facepalms)

Tony: You haven’t met our hacker.

Ross Logan: He’s good?

Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods?

Ross Logan: Are you the crackerjack team on this job?

Tony: She’s Israeli.

Ziva: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.

Abby:(to Gibbs) Thank you sir.

Gibbs: Don't call me sir.

Abby: Thank you ma'am.

Tony: [Trying to identify a sound] Train tracks?

Abby: Yes, that would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack, not even a thock on the track.

Tony: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?

Abby: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

Light Sleeper [3.14]

Gibbs: [about a fist-sized crack in a wall] Sign of an unhappy marriage.

Ziva: Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.

Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.

Tony: So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?

Ziva: You don't, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and relocated.

Tony: Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) Boss you might want to think about this cuz I.. I'll pay (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)

Gibbs: No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!

Tony: Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac."

McGee: Your father actually said that to you?

Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.

Ziva: Probably he knew your taste in women.

Ziva: I’ve learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey…

Tony: Flies.

Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?

Tony: Flies… don’t like... vinegar.

Ziva: Vinegar?

Tony: It’s complicated. Here he comes.

Abby: [as Gibbs] How long, Abby? [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time, and the stuff doesn't smell very good; I don't think that laundry was a great... priority--[as Gibbs] Abs! You got more, anything else? [as herself] Yes. As a matter of fact, this [hands him a cup of coffee] is for you.

Gibbs: Why?

Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and the guys in administration have... wandering hands. [as Gibbs] Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll brick 'em for you. [as herself] I know you would, Gibbs. And that is why I love you.

Gibbs: Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you both to know...

Tony: You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.

Ziva: Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.

Gibbs: I was going to say, if either one of you two wing nuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.

Tony: That's our boss.

Head Case [3.15]

Ziva: (to Dinozzo) I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.

Gibbs: Only Naomi and I call him that!

Jen: (To Tony, after she gave Ziva information on the case) Something wrong?

Tony: Oh, just wondering if Gibbs knows who Ziva's secret contact is.

Jen: We had a saying in Europe: "Whatever Gibbs doesn't know..."

Tony: "...can't hurt him".

Jen: No. "Can't hurt us".

Ziva: My contact went through, Gibbs. The client Sean Oliver was protecting was...

Gibbs: Sean Oliver.

Ziva: Tony and McGee are picking her up.

Gibbs: Not bad, officer David.

Ziva: Well, I do what I can.

Gibbs: When you see the director, thank her for me.

Jen: (Looking through two-way mirror at Sean Oliver sitting in the interrogation room) Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as director, I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?

Gibbs: Yeah, it would, but that's what you have me for.

Family Secret [3.16]

Ziva: What are you doing?

Tony: I'm in the middle of a very serious negotiation.

Ziva: On McGee's computer?

Tony: I know where you're going with this, and the answer is yes.

Ziva: And what's the question?

Tony: Have I no shame?

Tony: She asked you out? You?!

McGee: Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.

Tony: Trust me, you're not.

Gibbs: [Hits the back of Ziva's head]

Ziva: Ow! What was that for?!

Gibbs: Alerting DiNozzo.

Ziva: [Throws a notepad at a smiling Tony]

Gibbs: You know how I feel about coincidences, Abs.

Abby: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.

Gibbs: [After listening to Abby describe a very complicated sequence of events that led to an explosion] Not an accident.

Abby: Not unless the angel of death is going through a Rube Goldberg stage.

Tony: That wasn't the way it looked, boss.

Gibbs: I know. I know.

Tony: The director kinda suckered me into that deal.

Gibbs: Ziva caved first.

Ziva: I didn't cave in! I was trying --

Gibbs: McGee next.

McGee: It wasn't --

Gibbs: And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.

Tony: Well I --

Gibbs: Probably all of 30 seconds.

Tony: We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!

McGee: Or die trying!

Tony: Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?

Ravenous [3.17]

Ziva: [Referring to the obligation the probies have to witness an autopsy] We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail they terminate you.

Tony: How do you fail an autopsy? [One of the probies vomits]

Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?

Gibbs: [Walking in] It depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.

McGee: According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O. he's been on leave the last six days.

Tony: Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a bear's digestive tract.

McGee: Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.

Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, Stuck on the behind of Riley's missing girlfriend.

Abby: Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee -- I think they were having sex.

Ziva: [Incredulously] Tony and McGee?

Tony: [Upon seeing the name of the park's general store] Jackrabbit Slim's?

Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?

Tony: [pauses, giving her an odd look] You don't know how to say 'porcupine', but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?

Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.

Ziva: Lions and spiders and bears, oh my!

Ziva: Do you mind if I grab a bat nap?

Female Park Ranger: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.

Tony: Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah!

Ziva: That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don’t want him to think I’m sleazy.

Tony: That term is "easy."

Ziva: What's the difference?

Tony: Mostly the makeup.

Gibbs: [Leaving for search for the killer in the forest] Ziva, you stay here with Ranger Hendricks.

Ziva: Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited --

Gibbs: We're taking him alive. Let's roll. [He's leaving with others, Ziva and Ranger Hendricks stay]

Ranger Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you 'cause you're female.

Ziva: He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'd kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

Bait [3.18]

Ziva: She asked if you had the calzones for this, yes?

Tony: Cojones.

Ziva: Do you?

Tony: Just want to let you know that special agent Caitlin Todd is out looking for your mom.

Kody: Don't come back until you find her. I... I won't tell you again.

Tony: All right. I'm going.

Marine: How are you going to tell Gibbs the kid's mom's dead?

Tony: I already did. Agent Todd is dead.

Iced [3.19]

Lance Corporal Silva: How much trouble am I in?

Gibbs: Trouble? Why would you say that?

Lance Corporal Silva: Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?

Tony: You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.

McGee: Something wrong, boss?

Gibbs: Just admiring your feminine glow.

Tony: Next thing you know, you'll be wearing clogs in bubble baths.

McGee: What is wrong with bubble baths?

Tony: You just set off Gaydar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.

Tony: This isn't about orientation. It's about image.

Ziva: So your image is homo-pubic?

Tony: Homo-phobic.

Gibbs: [Tony has recovered three guns at the lake] You expecting an "'attaboy?"

Tony: I... thought it'd be nice...

Gibbs: [lightly stroking the back of his head] Attaboy.

Cesar Bernal: [To McGee] You've been watching too many cops shows.

McGee: Well, you've been watching too many... gang... person shows.

Tony: I don't think McGee watches enough cop shows.

Ziva: McGee is a capable interrogator. He can be quite intimidating when he wants to be.

McGee: You see, La Vida Malla has suspected ties to al Qaeda. All I have to do is say the word "terrorist" and I can keep you in this room until you grow old and die.

Tony: That... was actually intimidating.

Tony: My name's Anthony. My friends call me Tony which, spelled backwards, is "Y-not."

Cesar Bernal: Semper Fi, Agent Gibbs.

Gibbs: Goodbye, Cesar.

Tony: Ice? That means...

Ziva: You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke.

Tony: It was a really good one too.

Untouchable [3.20]

Tony: Every time I bring a date home, my neighbor complains about the noise.

Ziva: What... her shouting 'no means no!'? Actually I have the same problem.

Tony: Oh, you have surround sound too?

Ziva: No, I'm what you Americans call a 'screamer'.

Tony: (Reffering to Lieutenant Napleton's testimony) I don't believe it.

Ziva: She appears to be telling the truth.

Tony: No. I mean the part about her having a boyfriend.

Ziva: Oh...

Tony: Come on.

Ducky: To assume is to make an enemy of exactitude.

Gibbs: Looks like they’re putting decoder rings in cereal boxes again. (the team just stares at him) …What?

Tony: Uh… little before our time, boss.

Tony: (doing Sean Connery impression) He has a license to kill, McGee.

Ziva: He has full diplomatic immunity.

[Abby is talking with Mrs. Mallard in her lab]

Mrs. Mallard: (smiles) Did you know, that without those longshoreman tattoos, and that dog collar, you are the exact spitting image of my sister Gloria?

Abby: Thank you!

Mrs. Mallard: (frowns) I hated her.

[Gibbs brings Mrs. Mallard back to autopsy after she wandered off]

Mrs. Mallard: You may find this hard to believe, but Donald was the cutest child! He had long, curly blond hair. Everybody thought he was a girl until he was 12... (frowns) when his voice changed.

Ducky: Mr. Palmer, will you chain my mother to the chair while I tell Agent Gibbs what I've found?

Mrs. Mallard: (to Jimmy) I'm still waiting for that drink, Leonard!

Tony: You really think I smell?

Ziva: (laughs) I was just kidding.

Tony: (farts) What about now?

Ziva: You are disgusting! You do that again and I'll shoot you, got it?!

Bloodbath [3.21]

McGee: Sounds like a bloodbath.

Tony: Mondays. How many bodies we talkin' about here?

Gibbs: Who said anything about a body, DiNozzo?

Palmer: [as he's leaving the scene, and the team is coming in] I'd take an umbrella if you go in there.

Tony: How bad does a drug deal have to go for you to leave the drugs behind?

Gibbs: Someone was dissected here, Duck?

Ducky: More like three someones.

Abby: McGee, you're lurking without a permit.

Abby: This is so embarrassing. Okay, in my defense what self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potasium cyanide?

McGee: One that doesn't care about repeat business.

Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me Abby?

Abby: Because Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

[Gibbs is visiting Abby's stalker ex-boyfriend, Michael, at his business, Krime Kleaners]

Gibbs: The only reason you're still able to walk is because I never heard about you until today.

Abby: I’m a scientist, and he plays with voodoo dolls.

McGee: Uh, Abby, you play with voodoo dolls.

Abby: I meant metaphorically, McGee. I don’t think they actually do anything. I just play with ‘em, y’know, to relax.

McGee: Bed time. I'll take the sleeping bag.

Abby: We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.

McGee: [Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter] If you promise to keep your hands to yourself.

Abby: Clearly, you haven't. Your shirt [Abby is wearing McGee's shirt] smells like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your car.

McGee: That's all right. Your old one's still in my bathroom.

Abby: You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.

McGee: What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?

Abby: This is not my toothbrush.

McGee: Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.

Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agents who carry a gun.

McGee: Are you going to use it or not?

Abby: An anonymous toothbrush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.

McGee: Where are you going?

Abby: To get my toothbrush.

McGee: No. No, you're not leaving the apartment.

Abby: Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.

McGee: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.

Abby: That's a really good point. You go.

McGee: I'm not leaving you alone either.

Abby: Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.

McGee: (grabs his coat) Do not answer the door for anyone. (leaves)

(someone knocks on the door, Abby answers it)

McGee: I told you not to answer the door for anyone!

Abby: What'd you forget?

McGee: My keys.

Abby: Why do you need your keys if I'm here?

McGee: My car keys. Now, if you answer the door for anyone, I will tie you up.

Abby: (excited) Really?

Gibbs: Coordinate with Abby.

McGee: Boss, you’re gonna have to try and get her out of the elevator first.

[Gibbs goes to the elevator, where Abby is sitting in the corner holding a stun gun]

Abby: Hey Gibbs. [elevator closes] Did you know that only 5 of the 2½ million deaths each year occur in elevators?

Gibbs: Nobody is going to hurt you, Abby.

Abby: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.

Gibbs: Did it?

Abby: Yeah, can you say it again?

Gibbs: Nobody’s gonna hurt you, Abs.

Michael: We just got off on the wrong foot.

Abby: The wrong foot?!? The only right foot is my foot up your a--

Michael: Abby!

Abby (drunk in Gibbs' basement): You know; I never understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed - because alcohol is a depressant. So now; I'm still depressed; and I'm nauseus...and I'm really drunk. Which means that tomorrow, I'm going to have to fight off a hangover while I'm in court, and some ambulance-chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility.

Abby: ...Because I think that this - might all be my fault...

Gibbs: Maybe it is.

Abby: How can you say that, Gibbs? Just because some - some defective lunatic can't get it into his head that I think he is a defective...lunatic... That is not my fault. It's not my fault at all... It's not my fault. [realizing it really isn't her fault] it's not my fault. Huh. [picks up a hammer and chisel] I see why you like to work on the boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. [puts the tools on the boat and breaks off a chunk] Oops. [gives Gibbs back his tools]

[Tony & Gibbs have just found Abby, (who is in a very "Wonder Woman" pose) repeatedly shocking the hitman with her stun gun]

Abby: I'll be with you in a minute Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!

Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.

Michael: I love her you know. I-I love her. You don't get it, do you? Huh? She wants everyone to believe she doesn't love me. Hell, I think even she believes it sometimes. [turns to the mirrored window between the interrogation room and the viewing room] Tell me what, how come, if you don't care about me, you can't take your eyes off of me right now. Huh? You can lie to the rest of the world, but you can't lie to your heart. Can you, Abby?

Gibbs leaves and turns out the lights in the interrogation room, revealing that there is no one on the other side of the window.

Michael: No, no, no, no...Abby? Abby! Abby! Look, I know you're in there! Abby!

Walking down the hall away from the room, Gibbs smiles.

Jeopardy [3.22]

Ducky: (to Palmer) My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."

Palmer: Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.

Ducky: Really? What's number one?

Gibbs: Marriage.

Hiatus: Part 1 [3.23]

Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."

[Interrogating a ship's captain, Ziva plucks away his cigar.]

Captain: [in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...

Ziva: [in Turkish] How would you like this bitch to apply that cigar to your testicles?

Ziva: Ducky, drip it!

Ducky: Do you mean: Drop it or Zip it?

Ziva: Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.

Ducky: Well, actually... never mind

[McGee doesn't want to go into the room where the explosion happened, and Tony gives him a job to do outside]

McGee: [as he's leaving] On it boss!

Tony: [smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.

Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?

Tony: I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...Alright, I cut the probie some slack.

Abby: What are you not telling me?

McGee: What do you mean?

Abby: You have that three-little-pigs-look.

McGee: What?

Abby: The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.

McGee: I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)

Abby: Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)

Ziva: I should be a professional photographer!

Abby: The Director hasn't called.

Ziva: About?

Abby: About?! Gibbs!

Ziva: Oh...

Abby: She didn't call you, did she?

Ziva: No.

Abby: Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell.

McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?

Ziva: No music.

McGee: That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...

Abby: What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?

Ziva: Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.

Abby: What if they were?!

Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.

(Abby slaps her on the face, Ziva slaps her back, Abby slaps her again and so does Ziva. McGee looks shocked).

Ducky: (to Tony) You sound like Gibbs.

Abby: Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts!

Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too Ziva. Let's go! I know what happened.

[Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time.]

Tony: Hey! If there's going to be any bitch slapping on this team, I'll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake.

[Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands]

Tony: There we go. That wasn't so tough, was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on.

[They hug.]

Tony: Now a deep tongue kiss.

[Both women hit Tony.]

Tony: Now we feel better.

Tony: Shouldn't he be awake by now?

Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?

Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.

Jenny: That's what it looks like he's doing now.

Tony: Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?

Jenny: If it isn't a nightmare.

Ducky: (to Palmer) My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."

Hiatus: Part 2 [3.24]

(Ziva remembers the idiom from 3.08)

Ziva: Oh! Listen to the pot call the kettle black. Got that right, didn’t I?

Tony: No.

(McGee shows a thumb up)

Ziva: Yes!

Ziva: You know what that means?

Tony: The director's taking over the investigation.

Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.

Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.

Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)

(Ziva and Gibbs are talking in hospital room.)

Gibbs: We work together?

Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.

Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...

Ziva: It's been a year.

Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that...

Ziva: Ducky 10 years and you don't remember him!

Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...

Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.

Tony: My gut tells me we're missing something.

Ziva: Gibbs?

Tony: Yeah. Gibbs.

(Gibbs saying this to the guy who won't stop the ship to find and stop a bomb)

Gibbs: Is everyone up there as stupid as you?!

Ziva: Ari Haswari?! Does that name mean anything to you?! Ari...... Ari killed Kate! And I...... I killed Ari! (she starts crying)

Gibbs: Your brother? You killed your brother to protect me?

Ziva: (crying) Yes.

(Gibbs hugs her as his memory returns and she cries)

(Gibbs is informing the Director and the team that he is quitting)

Gibbs: (gets his gun and badge back from Tony, gives him a long look) You'll do.

(Gibbs puts his gun and badge in Tony's hands, and squeezes his shoulder)

Gibbs: It's your team now. (turns to McGee) You're a good agent, Tim. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

McGee: I won't, boss.

Abby: Gibbs... (Gibbs puts his finger over Abby's lips and kisses her on the cheek)

Gibbs: (walks back to Ziva) I owe you, Ziva.

Ziva: I'll collect, Jethro.

(Gibbs starts to leave, then turns back for one last look at his team.)

Gibbs: Semper Fi.

Ziva: He'll only talk if I can...

Tony: No torture.

Ziva: There's no other way.

Tony: Find one.

Ziva: Okay, but you're tying my feet.

Tony: Hands.

Ziva: Those, too.

Shalom [4.1]

Tony: What did I tell you about worrying, Probie?

Agent Lee: That it's your job.

Tony: See... you're learning.

Tony: There is only one thing you need to know about Officer David.

Lee: Don't make her mad.

Tony: So, technically, really, there are two things. And the other one is, she can take care of herself.

Gibbs:(after Tony has ranted at him about protecting his people) Done?

(Hits Tony on the head with his phone)

Gibbs: I was just gonna tell you to go get McGee and I'll meet you there.

McGee: Tony, isn't that the guy who tried to put you away for murder?

Tony: Yes it is, and thank you for bringing up a painful memory, McGee.

Ziva: Ever been tied up by a woman before? [chuckles] Did you like it? Then today's not your lucky day. [knocks him out with gun]

Tony: That's not my point! Six months ago you were convinced that I killed a woman and chopped off her legs!

Sacks: Well, I'm still not convinced that you didn't.

Tony: Exactly.

Sacks: So, Ziva David is being framed... by who?

Tony: Well, that's what I intend to find out.

Sacks: Hah! Good luck with that.

Abby: Gibbs… this is really, really bad. Ziva has disappeared, and everyone’s saying that she’s just like her brother. I really, really need you to call me. …Please. [phone rings, Abby picks it up excitedly] Gibbs?!?

Ziva: No, Abby, it’s me.

Tony: Who was that?

Abby: Where?

Tony: On the phone.

Abby: Oh, um, it was the nuns.

McGee: Nuns?

Abby: Yeah, y’know, nuns with the big white hats and the--

McGee: Habits. Yeah, they’re called habits, the white hats.

Abby: Yep, that’s right. They called… to say that bowling was canceled.

McGee: [amused] Bowling nuns.

Abby: Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?

Gibbs: Hey, you say the word, and I’m gone.

Mike Franks: Don’t tempt me, Jethro. I ain’t nearly drunk enough.

Gibbs: Today, Ziva!

Ziva: Okay. ...I may be in a little bit of trouble

Gibbs: Yeah? Define little.

Ziva: I am currently on the run from the FBI, NCIS, Mossad and my father.

Gibbs: Geez, what’d you do?

Gibbs: Ziva, look, I’m retired! I’m 3000 miles away, what do you think I can do that they can’t do?!?

Ziva: Honestly, I don’t know. I was hoping, maybe… [with tears in her eyes] save me?

Tony: No one's going to think any less of you if you want out, Palmer.

Palmer: Really?

Tony: Well, no, they probably would; at least I know I would.

Palmer: All right, then I want a code name, something cool-sounding.

Tony: Palmer - how does "Black Lung" sound?

Palmer: Like a horrible and painful way to die.

Tony: I mean as your code name.

Palmer: Oh. I like it!

Abby: I talked to Ziva yesterday.

Tony: You don't bowl with nuns. I should have seen that coming.

Abby: I do! Ziva made me promise not to tell.

Ducky: Why would Ziva care we knew you bowled with nuns?

Tony: [over the phone after Abby gives up Ziva's number] Ziva!

Ziva: Tell Abby I'm gonna kill her.

Tony: We love you too.

Tony: I’m also trying to get a hold of Gibbs, but I’m not having much luck.

Ziva: Gibbs! Oh, well, why didn’t you say so? [hands the phone to Gibbs]

Gibbs: DiNozzo. You’ve got ten seconds to tell me why I am not building a teak hot tub in Mexico. [Tony is speechless on the other end] …Nine.

Ziva: The target's name was Abdul Wazir. A Syrian wanted for crimes against the state of Israel. Terminated by this man, Mossad Officer Namir Eschel, my former teammate when I was stationed in Paris.

Gibbs: Who's supposed to be dead.

Ziva: Apparently he's gotten better.

Ziva: Things are bad enough for NCIS as it is, Tony. You can't--

Tony: [interrupting] I don't remember asking your opinion, Officer David.

Ziva: You see? He's been completely insufferable since you left.

Gibbs: That true, Tony?

Tony: When I need to be.

Gibbs: Yeah? Maybe you were the right man for the job.

Tony: [to McGee] It’s underhanded, devious--

Abby: And it’s completely getting me hot.

Tony: Glad to see I’m finally rubbing off on him.

Tony: I am not Gibbs.

Ducky: No, you’re not. Gibbs quit. You are still here.

Gibbs: I want you to do me a favor.

Jenny: Name it.

Gibbs: It’s late. Go home. Catch up on some sleep.

Jenny: Plausible deniability.

Gibbs: Yeah, somethin’ like that.

Tony: [to McGee] The BOLO we put out yesterday. [no answer] ...Any hits? [still no answer]...You completely forgot about that, didn’t you?

McGee: This one’s on me, boss. [hits himself on the back of the head]

Tony: [after Gibbs hits him on the back of the head] You know I could arrest you for striking a federal officer.

Gibbs: I know that.

Tony: [smiles] All right, just so you know.

[Tony and Gibbs drink their coffee, Tony makes a face, Gibbs looks at his, then they trade cups]

Tony: I thought you might be needing this. [Gibbs takes Tony's coffee] Uh, I meant the NCIS cellphone...boss.

Gibbs: Do I still look like your boss?

Tony: Well, maybe if you shaved. Haircut wouldn't hurt either. [Gibbs laughs] Yeah, the smile thing's definitely throwing me off too!

Gibbs: Nice to see you again, McGee.

Tony: DiNozzo.

Gibbs: What'd I say?

Ziva: You called him McGee.

Gibbs: Mm. That's probably because if I had left him in charge you [Ziva] you wouldn't be on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list right now.

Escaped [4.2]

Gibbs: I got this little girl who wants to go home to her dad, and that’s not gonna happen without your help. So... please?

Tony: Did Gibbs just say...?

McGee: (stunned) Mm-hmm...

Singled Out [4.3]

Ziva: Oh, okay. I understand.

Tony: Understand what?

Ziva: You feel a little threatened now that Gibbs is back.

Tony: I do not!

Ziva: You have been whining like a little snitch all week!

Tony: The term is 'bitch'.

Ziva: I know. I was being polite.

Ziva: Remove your hand or I'll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it.

Ziva: Don't move. Drop your weapon! Or, if you'd prefer, I can shoot you in the spine. Would you rather be a para- or quadriplegic?

Tony: Okay I got used to being in charge!

Ziva: You better get unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to shoot you.

Tony: Even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.

Gibbs: Never more than once, DiNozzo.

Abby: Aw, you and the Director make nice Giblets, Gibbs.

Gibbs: Turn up the charm, Ziva David. You're a geek, not mentally deranged.

Faking It [4.4]

Gibbs: Tell me you found a match on our suspect's prints, Abs

Abby: Negative. Still processing. But what we do have is $73.65. That's what the victim was carrying. And there's no pennies. He probably threw them out. A lot of people do. I mean I don't but other people do. Do you know how many pennies are thrown out or put into jars every year?

Gibbs: Enlighten me.

Abby: 3.5 Billion. Billion, Gibbs! That's like 35 million dollars. That's a lot of pennies in any language.

Gibbs: Including Russian?

Abby: No, Russians don't have pennies, they have kopeks.

Gibbs: Abby said the signal dropped out. That probably puts him at the outside edge of the reception area of that tower.

McGee: That's pretty clever, Boss. How'd you figure that out?

Gibbs: Too much time around you.

Gibbs: [about the missing case file on Operation Sunburst] Check the log; who booked it out last?

Tony: The CIA. So I guess that's not a who, it's more of an it.

Gibbs: Who's the NIS case agent?

Tony: [pulls up the file] What time is it in Mexico right now?

Gibbs: Cantina time.

Abby: Hi Ducky! A penny for your thoughts. Or three and a half billion pennies.

Gibbs: You enjoy your tour?

Franks: Yeah, this place is like a video arcade. You have more technology in one room than we had in every office across the whole damn country. You know, if I needed to interrogate someone when I worked at Camp Benedict, I'd take him into the broom closet with a telephone directory. [puts a cigarette in his mouth]

Gibbs: No telephone directory. No broom closet. [grabs the cigarette] And no smoking.

Franks: Another three reasons why I left just in time.

[McGee and Ziva are trying to find a bullet in pile of vomit]

McGee: Well, we could toss a coin [Ziva gives him a look] Or not. All right, give me some gloves.

Ziva: You didn't pack the gloves.

McGee: I thought you packed the gloves.

Ziva: [laughs] I didn't pack the gloves.

[a paramedic is tending to a cut of the back of Tony's head]

Gibbs: How is he?

Paramedic: He'll live.

Tony: Well, I've been hit harder, Boss. By you.

[Gibbs hangs up his cell phone]

Tony: Jenny?

Gibbs: "Jenny"? Just how cozy did you two get while I was away?

Tony: Boy, that knock to the head must have been harder than I thought cause I'm saying crazy things even I don't understand! [nods towards paramedic] Think she's single?

Gibbs: [turning to the paramedic] He's fine.

McGee: Ziva thinks that all men are liars.

Tony: Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?

Ziva: Particularly you.

Tony: (grins) You think?

McGee: Wouldn't go there, Tony.

Tony: Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this morning.

Ziva: True.

Tony: Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.

Ziva: False.

Tony: She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.

Ziva: False. Strike three. I win.

Tony: (looks bothered) How did... how did you do that?

Ziva: When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to your left. A tell-tale sign when people lie.

Tony: And the date?

Ziva: Tony.... If you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day.

Tony: I would?

McGee: Oh yeah.

Tony: Okay... But how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning?

Gibbs: (from his desk) Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.

Tony: Ready to roll boss!

Gibbs: (walks past as the team grabs their stuff) DiNozzo.

Tony: Yeah, boss?

Gibbs: You got egg on your shirt.

Ziva: (to Tony, as she follows after Gibbs) Not just your shirt.

Tony: Women want men to lie to them.

Ziva: Not true.

Tony: [In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."

Dead And Unburied [4.5]

Abby: [gasps] You shaved your mustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face.

Gibbs: I've still got my eyebrows.

Abby: Good point.

Jody: ...and I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God!

Ziva: [to Tony] Can Gibbs arrest God?

Tony: I don't know. It's like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.

Ziva: I feel like the donkey's butt.

Rick: What’s going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!

Ziva: She tried to rat on us.

Tony: She means rabbit.

Ziva: Rabbit, yes!

Ziva: [looking at Tony and McGee without shirts on] Wow, it's just like Chippendale's... without the bow ties or muscles.

Tony: [Watching Siri and Rebecca fight] CHICK FIGHT!

Abby: It's always good to have a face to put with genetic material.

McGee: Did you get a match on [Siri] on Finn's clothing?

Abby: Yeah, but not just her. There was a party in Finn's pants.

[On "Finn Questions"]

Tony: [Reading off the computer] "Why would someone unbury a body?" I can answer that. To send a message. Like, "Hi, I'm dead." [Ziva gives him a dirty look] "Never get engaged to two women at the same time?"

Ziva: It would be easier just to rent a billboard. Second question.

Tony: "Where's the money?" Ah! Maybe in Siri's engagement ring. I got to bring this down to Abby.

Ziva: I can save you an elevator trip. [Breathes on the ring]

Tony: Oh, that's nice.

Ziva: It's creating condensation. On a real diamond, it evaporates immediately.

Tony: It's, uh... it's staying.

Ziva: Because it's a fake.

Tony: Give it one more try, just to make sure.

Ziva: I'm not blowing on you again. Question three.

Tony: "Why buy a shovel?"

Ziva: Oops. No, sorry.

Tony: "Why bury a shovel?" Yeah, I ha- I have no answer to that. But here. How about this one?

Ziva: "Who is Darkman?"

Ducky: [Describing a carpet] Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag.

Witch Hunt [4.6]

Gibbs: Marital problems?

Ziva: Well, according to someone called Scuttle Butt, he caught his wife cheating on him.

Gibbs: Scuttlebutt’s not a person, Ziva. Scuttlebutt is what Marines call gossip.

Ziva: And then you wonder why I have a problem with your language.

Ziva: Then where is Laurie Niles, Gibbs?

Gibbs: Last time I saw her, with you.

Ziva: Okay, I admit I screwed that one up. But why did she run?

Gibbs: She was hiding something.

Ziva: So you do agree with me?

Gibbs: Oh, yeah. You definitely screwed up.

A guy at the Halloween party: Great group costume, guys, but, uh... you spelled CSI wrong on your hats.

Gibbs: (after Tony walks in and sees Laurie Niles punching her sister) Turns out Laurie Niles doesn't have a sister.

Ducky: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were real ninjas.

Ziva: The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a "Karuma." I'm not familiar with the model.

Gibbs: "Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.

Tony: Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.

McGee: The Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring Sedan.

Tony: McGeek with the save!

Ducky: You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.

Ziva: They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in this documentary that Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?

Ducky: Yes, well, I was referring to the mother bear's protective instincts when her cubs are threatened. There is no more dangerous creature in the world.

Ziva: I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.

Ducky: Well, that's perfectly dreadful.

Ziva: That's what I said to Tony!

Ducky: What does Gibbs think?

Ziva: I don't know. He isn't speaking to me.

Ducky: Don't feel too bad, my dear. It could be worse.

Ziva: How?

Ducky: He could be a bear.

Sandblast [4.7]

Tony: Did I miss something?

Ziva: Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Tony: Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Ziva: I can disarm it.

Tony: Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.

Ziva: If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.

Tony: Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva! This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!

Ziva: Then why are you following me, Tony?

Tony: I don't frickin' know!

[as Ziva disarms the bomb]

Tony: I can see down your shirt right now.

Ziva: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.

Tony: What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.

Ziva: I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.

Tony: Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.

Ziva: See anything good?

Tony: Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying [winces as Ziva cuts a wire] ...over.

Ziva: Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.

Tony: What if I said it was?

Ziva: Now you'll never know.

Tony: Looks like this guy's a couple puppies short of a pet shop!

Ziva: Most suicide bombers are DiNozzo.

Once A Hero [4.8]

Tony: (to Gibbs about Agent Lee) She's more probie than even Probie!

Marty: You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now do you?

Abby: Oh no! It's just a hobby!

Nelson: Do I need a lawyer?

Gibbs: Only if you're feeling guilty.

Gibbs: There's more than one reason to kiss a girl.

Tony: There is?

Jeanne: I know something else we could do to stay warm.

Tony: Really? I wonder what that could be? Coffee?

Jeanne: Dancing!

Gibbs: DiNozzo, stop eating the evidence.

Twisted Sister [4.9]

Tony: That was quick.

Gibbs: You solved this case? Already, DiNozzo?

Tony: No. It's my hundredth body. Hey, listen. [handing Gibbs the camera] You wouldn't mind taking a... Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.

Ziva: Compared to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.

Gibbs: Sometimes a little lie is good for the soul.

Gibbs: Do you know what a "clog" is.

Ziva: A shoe or a blocked drain?

Gibbs: No, on the internet.

Ziva: Oh, I thought it was called a "blog," but then again my English is often wrong.

Abby: [about floor mat in taxi] I thought it smelled like Niozoprine.

Tony: Niozoprine? [smells it and gags]

Gibbs: Industrial strength vomit cleaner.

Tony: [seeing McGee in the elevator waiting for Gibbs] And here I thought being sent to the principal's office was bad.

Tony: If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

Gibbs: Ah there you are Jen I've been looking all over for you.

Jen: I thought since we were short on agents, Abby could use some help.

Gibbs: The only reason we are short on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.

Jen: Well there is no use getting the rest of us sick

Abby: [as Gibbs] Before you send one of my team home you clear it with me first. [as Jen] I didn't know I needed your permission to handle my personnel. [as Gibbs] Your personnel. [as Jen] The last time I checked it said Director on my door. [to both of them] The kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight.

Smoked [4.10]

Tony: (to Ziva) You know, I think McGee is really starting to nail your essence, Ziva; (In a low voice from McGee's book) Stakeouts. Long, endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee, but tonight Mossad Officer Lisa didn't seem to mind, because she was getting to spend it with Agent Tom... You're right behind me aren't you.

Ziva: Lucky guess. (Tony grunts) You know, I think McGee is right.

Tony: He was, was he.

Ziva: It takes all of my will to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I give in.

Tony: And by "give in", you mean...

Ziva: The thing that comes naturally to me, but my father would not approve.

Tony: Why? Because I'm not Jewish?

Ziva: (Laughing) Because he doesn't like it when I kill my co-workers.

McGee: They hate me.

Abby: They do not hate you.

McGee: The characters aren't based off of them.

Abby: Uh-huh. You described everything in my bedroom.

McGee: Not everything.

Abby: Right.

McGee: Do you still have those--

Abby: Ah-ah. Fantasize later, McGee.

Dir. Shepard: Before you go, Fornell, there is one thing...

Gibbs: Come with me Tobias, I want to show you something.

[shot of Fornell, looking horrified]

Fornell: You've got that moustache in a box, don't you?

Driven [4.11]

Woman: From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.

Tony: If you're lucky.

Woman: A coworkers hand accidentally brushes up against your body.

Ziva: If you're really lucky.

Woman: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...

Abby: (raises hand)

Woman: Yes?

Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.

Woman: You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.

Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?!

(everyone mutters no)

Abby: (happily) I am hugging you all in my mind right now.

Woman: DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.

Abby: Like, every time?

Woman: Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.

Ziva: (licks Tony's ear and neck, causing him to stand up in suprise)

Woman: Another question?

Tony: Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this (slaps McGee's head and McGee slaps back) would that be considered inappropriate behavior?

Woman: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?

Tony: (glances at Gibbs) No just wondering, that's all.

Palmer: (raises hand)

Woman: Yes?

Palmer: What if your job includes touching, ah, naked people...

Woman: That is inappropriate at any time.

Palmer: Even if they're dead?

Woman: (sternly) Why are you touching dead naked people?!

Palmer: I work in autopsy.

Ziva: You attacked the car?

Gibbs: The car tried to kill Abby!

McGee: I found it, Abby. I found how they got in.

Abby: How'd you know I was here?

McGee: Oh, uh, I, uh...didn't. Look, Abby, I'm really sor--

Abby: I know. (pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him)

McGee: I though you were supposed to ask first.

Abby: Never with you, Tim.

McGee: (puts his hand over hers)

Suspicion [4.12]

Ziva: Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive!

Tony: Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.

Ziva: Didn't tell us.

Tony: Got it published.

Ziva: Didn't tell us.

Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.

Ziva: Didn't tell us.

Tony: Anything else?

Ziva: Bought a Porsche.

Tony: Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior here, Probie?

McGee: Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't sneaky, it was just...

Ziva: Deceptive.

Tony: Sneaky.

McGee: Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.

Tony: True.

Ziva: True.

Tariq: You're a Jew.

Ziva: Yes.

Tariq: Israeli? Mossad, then.

Ziva: I'm working with NCIS.

Tariq: So, yes. So now I'm as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?

Ziva: At least in our lifetime.

Sheriff's deputy: [walking in] Oh, cozy.

Ziva: Can I help you?

Sheriff's deputy: [to Tariq] You know, couple of more inches to your right and our martyr here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins. You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow yourself up just to get lucky. [Ziva twists his arm] Ow!

Ziva: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.

Sheriff's deputy: [quietly] Sorry.

Ziva: I don't think he heard you.

Sheriff's deputy: I'm sorry.

Tariq: Apology accepted.

Gibbs: [walking in] There a problem?

Ziva: I was telling the deputy here where the bathroom was.

Sharif Returns [4.13]

Lt. Col. Mann: Before we do this, I just need to know one thing. How did you get the damn boat out of your basement?

Blowback [4.14]

Ziva: That's Ares?

Tony: According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!

Ziva: I have great peripheral vision.

Tony: My sphincter doesn't.

Ziva: At least we won't have trouble finding it.

Tony: Really?

Ziva: Tony it's the size of an ATM!

Ziva: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate’s copy of ARES?

Tony: Pirated copy.

Ziva: That’s what I said.

Tony: No, you said pirate’s copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...

Ziva: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?

Tony: Johnny Depp.

Ziva: He’s a pirate?

Tony: No, he’s an actor.

Ziva: Oh.

Tony: How did we get here?

Ziva: I drove.

Ziva: This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack

Tony: Needle in a haystack.

Ziva: I like my description better.

Ducky: [On a person who died climbing stairs] Rigorous for some. Rigor mortis for him.

Friends & Lovers [4.15]

[Ziva is teaching knife throwing. Tony off to the side is eating Froot Loops and smirking]

Ziva: At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any questions pertaining to this class?

Tony: I've got one. You ever killed anyone with a spoon?

Ziva: No, but I am seriously considering it.

Ziva: I thought you said you grew up around weapons?

Lee: I did. I didn't say my father let me near them.

Gibbs: McGee, you find any more maggots crawling around you bag them for evidence.

McGee: Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.

Ziva: You're afraid of bugs McGee?

McGee: Bugs, no. Wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.

Ziva: Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.

McGee: How'd you get over it?

Ziva: I've found that if you are hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.

Abby: I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.

Ziva: Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?

Abby: Ya, sometimes. Why?

McGee: You challenged it to a duel.

Abby: Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.

McGee: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?

Abby: When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here! Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.

McGee: Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.

Abby: Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.

Gibbs: (walks in with a Kaf-Pow) Not all the time.

(Tony, Ziva, and Carson watching Gibb's interrogation)

Tony: It’s almost unfair interrogating junkies.

Ziva: It’s like shooting fish in a pond.

Carson: I um… I think you mean a barrel.

Ziva: Why would a fish be in a barrel?

Carson: Um… I um… it’s a good point. I never really thought about it before.

Ziva: Mm-hmm.

(Tony and Ziva looking at a vacation website)

Ziva: Where are WE going?

Tony: We're not going anywhere.

Ziva: Who are you taking, McGee?

Dead Man Walking [4.16]

Tony: Who's the designer?

Ziva: Why do you assume I know?

Tony: Because...

Ziva: Because I'm a woman? Because I'm Jewish?

Tony: Because you're a great detective.

Ziva: True.

Roy: Lieutenant Roy Sanders, sir. I need you to investigate a murder.

Gibbs: Whose?

Roy: Mine.

Ziva: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.

Tony: Mossad?

Ziva: Maybe.

Tony: Internet dating?

Ziva: I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip!

Roy: Table's cold.

Ducky: None of my other patients ever complained.

Roy: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.

Ducky: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here, is you talk back.

Tony: Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?

Ziva: Male nurse?

Tony: No, Aquasmurf.

Roy: I'd shake your hand but ...

Ziva: Um, actually it would be best to avoid all bodily contact.

Roy: Sound just like my prom date.

Roy: Mark and I ate lunch while we took target practice. I had a bacon cheeseburger with fries washed down with a large coffee.

Ziva: Run like a health nut, and eat like a slob.

Roy: Well, I've always weighed the same. People told me at 40, my body would change. Guess I might not have to worry about that.

McGee: Found something.

Tony: Is it dangerous?

McGee: Do you want kids?... Kidding.

Roy: Sorry, felt a little dizzy.

Ziva: I have to get you into bed... Oh. I--

Roy: I'm not saying anything.

Ziva: Sorry it's the English.

Diane Russio: Got a little drunk. I knocked on his door. He wouldn't let me in. I was a complete idiot and he was a complete gentleman.

Ziva: Or maybe he's gay.

Diane Russio: Oh, I don't think so.

Ziva: How do you know?

Diane Russio: I saw the way he looked at you.

Gibbs: Sanders know he's still being poisoned?

Ziva: Not yet. I'm worried it will increase his stress.

Gibbs: Your call. Stick with him, Ziva.

Ziva: Like tattoos on Abby.

Roy: Did they, um, did they find any clues or answers?

Ziva: Not yet. But they're still looking.

Roy: Well tell them to hurry up. I wanna know who killed me before I die.

Ziva: I have been working for thirty straight hours!

McGee: This is my fourth cup of the day!

Tony: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.

Ziva: Thanks.

Tony: Well, you know you've been at the hospital too long if you've figured out the vending machine.

Roy: Would you think you'd have noticed... that I was no longer there? That I'd stopped running.

Ziva: Yes. I would've noticed... I would have missed seeing you.

Roy: But eventually you'd have forgotten me.

Ziva: Yes... [takes Roy's hand] I won't forget you now.

Skeletons [4.17]

Abby: (to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar.

McGee: Okay. What's wrong with that one?

Abby: The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.

McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?

Abby: It has nougat in it.

McGee: But you hate nougat.

Abby: I know! It was a mistake McGee! Do you have a dollar?!

McGee: All I have are big bills.

Ziva: What is nougat?

Tony: It's whipped dolphin fat.

McGee: No. That's the filling in Clowny cake.

Abby: That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!

(silence)

Tony: Sure, I got one.

(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)

Abby: Thanks. God. It's like some kind of crime to not like nougat. [Leaves]

Ziva: I don't even know what nougat is!

Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.

McGee: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?

Tony: Yeah. She stole my dollar.

McGee: She definitely seemed Un-Abby.

Ziva: Who?

Tony: Abby.

Ziva: Abby's unhappy?

Tony: No. Abby's Un-Abby. I need you focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk to her when I can.

McGee: Why you?

Tony: Because, dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of sensitivity. Clearly, not an area of expertise for you.

McGee: Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women.

Tony: See? That wasn't very sensitive, was it?

Ziva: The man has one serious relationship and all of the sudden, he's an expert.

Tony: All right, there is one clear-cut, undeniable reason why I should be the one to talk to Abby: She owes me a dollar.

McGee: I was right, wasn't I? There is something wrong with Abby.

Tony: Let it go, Probie.

McGee: Why?

Tony: Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, David, wait here.

Tony: You sure about that, Boss? Of course, because if you weren't, you'd be saying, "DiNozzo, David, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!

Grace Period [4.19]

Paula Cassidy: I'm not convinced that it wasn't this guy. I mean, how do we know Ducky didn't make a mistake?

Ziva: Tony.

Tony: Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.

Ziva: Which means what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.

Paula Cassidy: Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right? Tony?

Tony: She does have a valid point, Ziva.

Paula Cassidy: We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know he could've committed suicide!

Ziva: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? That doesn't make any sense!

Tony: No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wo--

Gibbs: [Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?

Tony: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.

Gibbs: I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.

Ziva: That works for me.

Paula: Works for me, too, David.

Ziva: Da-veed!

Cover Story [4.20]

McGee: What's that?

Tony: Beer pong. Tell me you've played beer pong, McGee.

McGee: Nope. Never.

Tony: What did you do at MIT?

McGee: Study.

Ziva: Was no secret he was writing about us.

Tony: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?

Ziva: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?

Tony: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?

Ziva: When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?

Tony: Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.

Ziva: Yeah, totally unrealistic.

Tony: Would never happen.

[awkward silence]

Ducky: From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...

McGee: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.

Gibbs: Army what? McGee?

McGee: [reluctantly] Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

Brothers In Arms [4.21]

Tony: I sure wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall up there. [Ziva looks confused] Never mind.

Gibbs: What've you got, Abs?

Abby: Oh, your usual incriminating evidence, all circumstantial, but beggars can't be choosers.

McGee: Have you ever seen anyone walk that quickly in heels?

Tony: Only at the end of a really hairy date.

In The Dark [4.22]

McGee: I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost my eyesight.

Ziva: You'd adapt.

McGee: What if I didn't?

Ziva: You'd fall into a deep depression and eventually you would die.

McGee: Remind me not to come to you for a pep-talk anytime soon.

Tony: Abby's processing evidence from his office. She nearly bit my head off when I poked it into her lab to check on her.

McGee: Quit drinking caffeine.

Ziva: Abby?!

Tony: Abby Sciuto?

Tony: How long were you guys there?

Ziva: Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate?

Tony: We're discussing it.

Ziva: What is there to discuss?

Tony: It's complicated.

Ziva: Complicated, complicated, complicated. You know, in America I have noticed the use of that word as a code for 'if I explain it, you would not agree, therefore I will use the word "complicated" and hopefully you will stop asking!'

Tony: That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm going to go see what Abby wants.

Ziva: Tony.

Tony: Ziva. If you're going to give me advice on dating, I'm going to need to get something out of my system first, okay? [laughs heartily]

Ziva: Stop laughing or I will hurt you. I know what you're doing. You're hiding behind all these jokes, and I know what you're hiding from.

Tony: Really? What's that?

Ziva: What everyone who is afraid to love hides from: getting hurt.

Tony: It's not just me that I'm worried about hurting, Ziva.

Ziva: That's because you're a good person.

Trojan Horse [4.23]

Abby: I love you, McGee. Not like love you, love you. Not that I don't love you, because I do, kind of. You know, like the way I love puppies.

McGee: I could have done without that comparison.

Abby: But I love puppies.

Angel Of Death [4.24]

Gibbs: What were you doing for 21 hours Jenny?

Jenny: What we used to do, ever so well.

Gibbs: When you lie your right eye twitches. It always has.

(to Fornell about their shared ex-wife)

Gibbs: You still dream about O.J.-ing Diane?

Fornell: Diane looked that pissed at you after the divorce?

Gibbs: She's looking at me, Tobias.

Fornell: Ever think of picking up a phone?

Gibbs: Hard lines, they're tapped, cell phones calls, snatched right out of the air.

Fornell: Turning into a conspiracy nut Jethro, what's next, alien abductions?

Gibbs: Only if you don't answer my question.

Jenny: Is the Agency still intact after a week with Gibbs in charge?

Cynthia: Mmm, we survived.

Jenny: (laughs) Did Gibbs?

Cynthia: Barely.

Cynthia: Welcome home Director. How was the Interpol conference?

Jenny: Fine, full of Euro cops trying to hook up with me - and no, I didn't.

Cynthia: Oh, I wasn't wondering-

Jenny: I would if I were you, now get in Cynthia.

Gibbs: You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?

Jenny: You sound like a jealous husband.

Gibbs: How would you know?

Gibbs: When you look at me like that, McGee, I get this over-whelming urge to head slap you.

Annie: They're like that in their first year. The good ones usually take a while to develop calluses.

Tony: I don't think Jeanne will ever be like that, Ann (leaves).

Annie: Love. (shakes her head)

Devon: But I can't walk!

Nick: That's why they made chairs with those wheely things on them.

Bernie: Ooo! Wheelchair!

Ducky: Unless you're a spy.

Ziva: Why're you looking at me?!

Ducky: I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.

Gibbs: Why are you torturing McGee?

Abby: I'm not, I'm prepping him for his polygraph test on Monday.

Abby: (Walking into her lab, to her computers and devices) Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, I know you guys have been working really hard lately, and I promised that you could have the weekend off, but this sounds like an emergency, so I need everybody to get those electrons flowing! If anybody is not up to it, I need to know now, not when the Director arrives. Something's wrong. (Walks up to her stereo and turns up music. Heads back to her computer, breathes in deeply) Ready.

Bury Your Dead [5.1]

Ziva / McGee: What're you doing here?

Ziva: I asked first.

McGee: Well technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to the test you'd find that it was too close to call. But, since my parents raised a gentleman and yours raised a killer, I was defragging my computers.

Ziva: Liar.

Ziva: Teams do not have secrets, Gibbs.

Abby: That's OK. It's not the first time I've woken up on the floor. Not just this floor. Um, not that I make it a habit of passing out on floors, and not that this is a really comfortable floor, if I had to... I'm awake now.

Ziva: Tony DiNardo. Cute.

Rene Benoit: Children want to believe the best of their parents. I'm sure you believe your father is a good man, hmm?

Tony: He was.

Rene Benoit: Still love has a way of blinding us to the... imperfections.

Tony: It's still love.

Jenny: His cover is teaching film online in American university.

Ziva: Tony, a teacher?

McGee: No wonder he's been compromised. Who's bright idea was that?

Jenny: Mine.

Gibbs: How deep is his cover?

Jenny: Deep enough to withstand the sort of scrutiny La Grenouille can bring to bear.

Gibbs: You better hope so.

Ducky: Shockwave would've killed him before the fire. Death would have been instantaneous. Small mercies, my dear boy...

Ducky: She blames herself.

Gibbs: ...

Ducky: Should she?

Gibbs: Let me know when you've finished, Duck.

Abby: Director Shepard swore me to secrecy, when she brought those in and asked me to run them for prints, so I can't tell you.

Gibbs: Any other secrets you can't tell me?

Abby: No. Just that one. Because, when Director Shepard said there wasn't an AFIS match, then tried to hide the results from me, she actually didn't swear me to secrecy, so that, is not a secret.

Gibbs: Subject displayed emotional instability suggesting delusional belief her father isn't dead. Next question, do we just put her on medical leave or we fire her?

Gibbs: You may wanna skip that polygraph test Monday.

McGee: Just because we found his ID, doesn't mean it's Tony.

Ziva: His car. His ID. His weapon. Both of his cellphones, McGee?

Ducky: This man, has never had the plague. He's never had the plague.

Jimmy: So, he, has never had the plague.

Ducky: He never had the damn plague!

Trent Kort: Where is he?

Jenny: It depends on who "he" is.

Trent Kort: DiNozzo.

Jenny: I honestly don't know, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you until you explained to me why you're looking for him so urgently.

Gibbs: Mislaid your arms dealer, that's gotta be embarassing.

Trent Kort: I don't know what NCIS is up to, but I want a private briefing in your office, now.

Jenny: I'll decide what briefing you get and where you get it, Mr Kort, and if you have a problem with that, why don't you have your director give me a call?

Tony: (to Kort) Hey! My car blew up this morning, did you do that?

Tony: What, no balloons?

Tony: That was more exciting live.

Jenny: You saw it? You were there?

Tony: Saw it. Heard it. Felt it.

Tony: And we have certainly pissed off the Agency a lot lately. Well, the Director and I, have pissed off the Agency a lot lately. Although, mainly me.

Jenny: What did Jeanne say?

Tony: Nothing I'm gonna to tell you

Jenny: Agent DiNozzo.

Tony: Nothing you need to know, Director.

McGee: What was that for?

Tony: Believing I was dead.

McGee: Hey, I never believed that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you.

Ziva: Don't even think about the headslap.

Abby: Tony! I knew you'd be alright, I knew it! Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva!

Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little... hastily.

Tony: That's my letter opener!

Tony: Where's my American Pie coffee mug?

Abby: Palmer.

Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?

Abby: Ducky. Hey Ducky!

Ducky: My dear fellow... I never believed it for a moment!

Rene Benoit: Hello, Jenny.

Jenny: You wanna chase after him right now and arrest him without a warrant, you go right ahead. But we both know the courts will have him out by morning.

Gibbs: Then get a damn warrant.

Jenny: You get a warrant!

Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?

Ziva: Yes.

Tony: They ever forgive you?

Ziva: They never found out.

Tony: Mine found out.

McGee: We'll catch up with him eventually.

Ziva: Someone will.

Gibbs: One day.

Family [5.2]

Ziva: I'm just being curious.

McGee: About when I lost my virginity.

Ziva: No, you misunderstood. I'm not asking when you lost your virginity but if you lost it.

Ziva: [Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?

McGee: You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And, actually working?

Tony: I can hear you, you know.

Ziva: I am here if you'd like to talk.

Tony: About what?

Ziva: I know how much you cared about her.

Tony: I'm fine, Ziva.

Ziva: All right. But I thought maybe you'd need a little cheering up.

Tony: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.

McGee: You put superglue on my keyboard!

Tony: [Disgustedly looking at pictures of a male stripper in an old woman's home] My god. It's like Cocoon meets Dirty Dancing. Wonder if Ducky has dreams like this. Gibbs probably isn't too far behind. He's standing right behind me, isn't he? Sorry about that, boss.

Gibbs: Gonna be your dreams one day, too, DiNozzo.

McGee: The more I think about it, the more I can't believe we fell for it. Tony with a girlfriend.

Ziva: I believe he had real feelings for her, McGee.

McGee: I don't doubt that; did you see what she looks like?

[Tony answers a call:]

Tony: Very special agent Anthony DiNozzo, boy who cried wolf and who must now suffer periodontal disease for it, how may I help you?

McGee: All right. I think I know what happened here.

Tony: Oh, twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again.

McGee: The GPS coordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was a beta, I thought--

Gibbs: I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.

[Ziva confronts Tony in the men's room]

Tony: You know, I saw this on Cinemax once.

Ziva: So what happens now?

Tony: They play some funky music and you say, "I have been watching you from afar."

Ziva: Well, I've been watching you from afar, Tony, which is why I know how much you cared for Jeanne.

Tony: Oh, your timing is impeccable, Ziva.

Ziva: And how much it hurt when she left. So, what happens now?

Tony: I said I'm fine.

Ziva: You are not fine. You are still deeply troubled.

Tony: Even if I was, this bothers you because...?

Ziva: Because you are my partner. And because you made a grave error in judgment falling in love with that girl.

Tony: If this is a pep-talk, I give you a D-minus.

Ziva: And right now, it is very clear you are still hanging onto her.

Tony: I see the confusion. These are called "feelings," Ziva.

Ziva: Feelings you need to let go.

Tony: That easy, huh?

Ziva: Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time, to leave your entire life behind for her? You did not think this through.

Tony: Didn't you tell me the heart wants what it wants?

Ziva: No. Actually, I didn't.

Tony: Well, it does.

Ziva: Well, it shouldn't.

Tony: Really. This coming from the woman who fell in love with the dead man walking.

Ziva: You crossed the line, Tony.

Tony: Oh, I crossed the line?

Gibbs: [to Tony and Ziva] Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?

Ex-File [5.3]

Tony: Crash and burn, only a matter of time.

Ziva: What?

Tony: Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.

Ziva: Could last a lifetime.

Tony: Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really just a...

Ziva: A whom?

Tony: Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.

Ziva: A what, then?

Tony: What then? Uh... what? What...

Ziva: I'm still just a what?

Fred Rinnert: A girl.

[both stop and look at him in surprise]

Tony: Who do you think is prettier? Ex-wife number three, or future ex-wife number four?

Ziva: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!

Ducky: A man's heart often tells us how he lived. Sometimes, it might even tell us how he died, but contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he loved.

Hollis Mann: Bring her in for another interview.

Gibbs: Wait.

Hollis Mann: I said bring her in!

Gibbs: And I said wait!

Tony: This never turns out well for the kids.

Abby: Gibbs has this uncanny ability to know when I've found something. I don't even know what I've found yet.

Fred: Well he didn't seem happy.

Abby: Oh, no, no. He never is. Even when he is happy, and I doubt he's happy right now. But, you know, I am his favorite, so he's usually pretty good with me.

Identity Crisis [5.4]

Ziva: Did you get her number?

Tony: Who, Courtney? No.

Ziva: I did.

[Ziva and McGee are focused at his computer and grinning as Tony walks in]

Ziva: (chuckles) Aw, not bad....

McGee: Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.

Ziva: Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.

McGee: He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...

Ziva: (chuckles)

Tony: Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.

Ziva: (gives him a stare) Not me.

Tony: Oh! (wanders over) McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?

McGee: Looking at animal rescue sites.

Ziva: McGee is thinking about getting a puppy.

Tony: Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it...

McGee: Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone that will jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV. Maybe lick my face a little bit...

Ziva: (exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles)

Tony: Might be easier getting a girlfriend.

Ziva: (gives him a distasteful look) Ehh.

McGee: Which might be even easier with a puppy. (Tony gets a look on his face, slowly meeting McGee's gaze) Even for you.

Tony: I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you yet, probie.

McGee: Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.

Ziva: (looks confused) Are you getting a pony?

Tony: It's an adage.

Ziva: I am not familiar with that breed.

Tony: Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a pegasus and a unicorn.

Tony: So, what's the favorite?

Ziva: (annoyed) The Pit Bull.

Tony: Yeah, that makes sense for you, actually. Not really for McGee. He seems more like a Spaniel kind of guy. Cocker, maybe?

[Tony, Ziva and McGee are discussing which dog to get as Gibbs walks past]

Gibbs: How about an Australian Shepherd. They're working dogs.

[Tony, Ziva and McGee start to get up to help Gibbs]

Gibbs: Siiiiiit. (they slowly sit back down) Stay. (smiles and walks off) Roll over.

Leap of Faith [5.5]

[McGee and Tony enter a therapist's waiting room. Tony is about to knock on the therapist's office door when McGee stops him]

McGee: Don't do that!

Tony: Do what?

McGee: He might be with someone! [He turns on a light switch]

Tony: That tells him someone's here?

[Tony impatiently switches the switch on and off several times quickly]

McGee: Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?

Tony: Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?

McGee: Yeah. Once when I was young.

Tony: For your Acrophobia?

McGee: You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.

Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.

McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.

Tony: Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!

McGee: I was not.

Tony: You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]

McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.

Tony: [Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.

McGee: You're not going to post that on YouTube?

Tony: I might.

McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]

Tony: [Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

[Both begin fighting over the phone]

Dr. Fleming: Hey, hey. Hey. [Both stop fighting] You two have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.

Tony: On the phone?

Dr. Fleming: Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?

McGee: [Realizes] Couple? Us? No, no... [Begins moving away from Tony]

Tony: It's okay, Timmy. Timmy. We're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here. [McGee quickly moves away from Tony and stands in front of Dr. Fleming] We just got back from Vermont. Pretty there this time of year.

McGee: Sorry. [Shows Dr. Fleming his badge] NCIS. Special Agents McGee, and DiNozzo.

Tony: [Stands] Very special agents.

[Abby sits at Gibbs' desk at night while no one else is there]

Abby: [Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special Agent Gibbs. [Normally, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're standing behind me, aren't you?

Gibbs: Yep.

Gibbs: Feeling very secure about your job, are you, Abs?

Abby: Um, not so much anymore.

(McGee has just saved Tony from falling from the top level of a parking garage and they are both sitting on the ground against the little wall that is supposed to keep you from falling off the parking garage. Both are panting.)

Tony: I love you, McGee. (pats McGee's knee) I promise I am never going to give you a hard time again.

McGee: Yea, right. (Tony pats McGee's chest) Stop touching me.

Chimera [5.6]

[Tony shoots a drinking straw wrapper at Ziva]

Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?

Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [shoots another wrapper]

Tony: [singing] Baa, baa, black ship... have you any wool?... Yes, sir, yes, sir... but in order to see it, you're gonna need top-secret government clearance...

Abby: You guys okay?

McGee: Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva is dealing with her ghost phobia.

Abby: So, what's Gibbs dealing with?

Gibbs: Them.

Tony: I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat. Fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.

Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.

Tony: How'd he die?

Gibbs: Silently.

Requiem [5.7]

Ziva: She knew.

McGee: Reads Gibbs like a book.

Tony: Short read, not a lot of dialogue.

Ziva: Your kind of book.

Tony: Are you suggesting I don't read?

McGee: I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.

Tony: Soldier of fortune's about to become a soldier of misfortune.

Ziva: Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.

Shepard: Any idea where he's going?

Tony: No.

Shepard: Hazard a guess?

Tony: Well, he took his badge and his gun, maybe he's going to shoot someone.

Ziva: Sergeant Haas comes back from Iraq, and the first thing he does is try to move in with a girl he's dated twice. Why?

Tony: He's a man.

Ziva: What does she have that he does not?

Tony: A bed.

Designated Target [5.8]

Kirkland: Use the laser pointer. The GAO guys are distracted by shiny things.

Ziva: [on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well, you, you must accept--

Tony: Personal call, David?

Ziva: Yes. Go away!

Tony: Somebody being dumped?

Ziva: Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?

Tony: Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.

Ziva: That was my aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.

Tony: Why didn't you stop me?

Ziva: Too stunned.

Tony: Where do I send flowers?

Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.

Tony: [after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain damage.

McGee: Explains a lot.

Tony: Is this side of my head bigger?

Ziva: Yes. But so is the other side.

Tony: You know, I can't figure out if you're DeVito in Taxi or De Niro in Taxi Driver.

Ziva: You're xenophobic.

Tony: No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.

Ziva: Do you ever think about soulmates?

Tony: They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing? Sing a few bars, I'll get it.

Ziva: You'll never get it.

Abby: Okay, love is never having to read her her Miranda rights, but she's gonna do this to somebody else. Throw her psycho ass in the brig.

McGee: I know, but...I kinda dig it.

Abby: McGee, I love you. That should be enough for you. (walks away)

Ziva: Do you see what I see?

Tony: A crazy Israeli chick with impulse issues?

Ziva: (she gives him a look) in the mirror.

Lost and Found [5.9]

Ziva: I'm driving.

Tony: I'm dead.

(Ziva and Tony are fighting over a map and who's going to be the navigator.)

Ziva: I'm a trained navigator, Tony.

Tony: Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent. I'm pulling rank.

Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin.

(While searching the woods at night).

Tony: God! Oh, God, these are new boots!

Ziva: This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!

Tony: The only sight I see is your big black...

Ziva: Hey!

Tony: Backpack! Walking faster!

Tony: (sees McGee walk in the squad room in a boy scout outfit) Seriously, Probie, I don't make enough fun of you?

Gibbs: Knock it off, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: Why don't you come and meet your new house guest?

Jenny: Mhm. Guaranteed he's better than the last.

(Jen looks at the case folder Gibbs gave to her)

Jenny: Jethro? This is a case report, not a custody transfer.

Gibbs: Must have grabbed the wrong folder.

Jenny: Go figure!

Abby: Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is, McGee?

McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken?

Jenny: Taylor's phone was just activated, we're tracking it now.

Tony: Welcome to the club. I wouldn't say it's a fun one.

Gibbs: You sound tired, DiNozzo.

Tony: We're following Ziva, even the dogs are tired.

Corporal Punishment [5.10]

Tony: [after hitting the comic book McGee's reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?

McGee: It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.

Ziva: Maybe Ziva will do what?

Tony: I've been working on my six pack. You know? Abs.

Ziva: You and Abby have been drinking?

Tony: No. Abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hard core. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.

McGee: To match your head.

McGee: [after Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the abdomen] As hard as she can?

Tony: As hard as you can.

McGee: You know that's how Houdini died?

Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?

Ziva: It is possible, I do not remember all their names.

Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes.

Ziva: It has been three hours, Tony.

Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour.

Ziva: He's not on foot, he's in a car!

Tony: What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...

Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.

McGee: Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech... every time we have a fugitive? Really?

Ziva: Do any of your ideas come from reality?

Tony: Sure. Just not your reality.

McGee: They gave him painkillers.

Tony: My fingers are finging.

Gibbs: No such thing as ex-Marine.

[Gibbs is talking about the Marines]

Karen Sutherland: Sounds like a religion.

Gibbs: Nope. More faith.

Tony: [about Gibbs] In case you were wondering, he doesn't really care about the medals. I keep his in a drawer.

Tony: What were you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.

Ziva: I said that I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.

McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.

Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?

Ziva: I felt... overwhelmed. Temporarily. When we were wrestling with Corporal Werth.

[Tony and McGee look at each other]

Ziva: What? What is this look?

McGee: Nothing. [Ziva goes back to working, Tony and McGee smile] ...You like him.

Ziva: I am trying to describe something... complicated.

Tony: It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.

McGee: To her Red Sonja.

Tony: Nice.

Ziva: It only lasted a moment.

Tony: You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head, broken nose, dislocated shoulder. It's been a banner day.

Tony: She's pulling a Pulp Fiction.

McGee: On the Hulk.

Gibbs: Courage doesn't have anything to do with medals. It's simple. You run to the gunfire, not away from it.

Tribes [5.11]

Tony: I'm sorry, but the correct answer is Full Metal Jacket.

Ziva: That is not the best Marine movie. A Few Good Men is.

Tony: Based on the fact that I am right, I'm overruling you.

Ducky: If he were Shiite, he would have a turbah.

Tony: Like Hadji on Johnny Quest.

Ducky: No, I believe that’s a turban, Tony.

[Ducky has been ordered by the Director to do an autopsy on a man against the Muslim parents’ wishes, and he tells Gibbs about a mass grave he had to work on early in his career]

Ducky: The parents begged me not to autopsy their children. Begged me on their knees. But I had no choice. Apparently, I still don’t.

Abby: In the lab of Abby. Or, Labby, as I like to call it. [leans down towards Major mass spec and whispers] You’re my favorite.

Gibbs: Labby?

Ziva: Three Days of the Condor. Robert Redford, Faye Dunaway.

Tony: Based on the novel Six Days of the Condor by James Grady. Not bad.

Gibbs: Hey, I got one for you two. Find out who killed my marine.

Tony: Nobody likes a know-it-all.

McGee: Gibbs does. Warrant just came through.

[McGee and Ziva are debating who should be the one to plant a bug in a mosque]

McGee: I’ll flip you for it.

Ziva: If I flip you, you will get hurt.

Tony: [whispers] You can take her McGee.

[McGee's equipment begins to respond]

McGee: That’s impossible. We haven’t even planted a bug yet and there’s already a transmission.

Tony: It’s already being bugged?

Agent Langer: Gibbs used to charge me for every three-dollar word I used.

Jenny: How much?

Agent Langer: [looks at her oddly] ...Three dollars.

Gibbs: You owe me six.

[FBI Agent Langer has been... less than helpful]

Agent Langer: But, hey, if you guys find anything--

Jenny: You’ll be the last to know.

Ducky: Jethro, I’ve figured out a way to find the cause of death.

Gibbs: You gonna do that autopsy?

Ducky: No. Well, yes. In a manner of speaking. But a lot of people are going to have to look the other way. [turns to Jenny] Starting with you, Director.

Tony: [watching Langer leave] What an ass.

Ziva: [looking down admiringly] Yes, indeed.

Tony: You’re Langer-leering. You’re leering at Langer.

Ziva: Why not? He’s cute.

Tony: He- he’s not cute, he’s--

Ziva: [puts her finger over Tony’s mouth] Shh. Don’t speak.

Tony: [impressed] Bullets Over Broadway. Woody Allen.

Ziva: Very good, Tony. You get a B in my class.

Tony: I could teach your class.

Ziva: I spent my summers in Haifa.

Khalid Mohammed Bakr: [Picks up the tea she has offered him] You make it Arab-style, huh? Strong.

Ziva: I like it strong.

Khalid: You like Muslims.

Ziva: Yes.

Khalid: May I ask why? I don’t mean to offend, I’m simply curious.

Ziva: Growing up in Israel I had a friend who was Muslim. We were very close.

Khalid: Are you still close?

Ziva: He was killed. When I was twelve.

Khalid: There’s been too much death.

Ziva: I agree.

[Gibbs comes through the lab door and steps onto an area covered in bubble wrap.]

Gibbs: Abby!

Abby: Heeey.... It worked!

Gibbs: What?

Abby: My Gibbs early-warning system.

[Gibbs rolls Abby across the lab in her chair while she is wearing her magnifying goggles]

Abby: Whoa. Trippy. [takes off the goggles, smiling] I like it.

Abby: (explaining evidence to Gibbs) The needle was really old! It was, like, from the seventies! (at a wry look from Gibbs, she flounders) Not... that, that's.... that's not old. I mean, that's... old for a needle, sure, but... it's certainly not old for... you know... a, man.

Gibbs: [whispers to Abby] You’re my favorite. [starts to leave the lab] Abs! Lose the bubble wrap.

[Tony catches a suspect]

Tony: Where you goin’, jackrabbit?

Ryan Sikes: To Paradise. Where are you going?

Tony: To the parking lot. To put your sorry ass in the back of our car.

[The team is talking about a suspect]

Tony: Thinks he’s a jackrabbit.

McGee: And an ex-con.

Gibbs: Get him.

Tony: Got him.

McGee: Good.

[Langer comes by to unofficially give Gibbs info on the case]

Agent Langer: You still workin’ on this damn boat?

Gibbs: Finished it twice. This is number three.

Gibbs: Thanks.

Agent Langer: Don’t thank me. I was never here. [starts to leave] You ever think about using power tools?

Gibbs: [smiles] You are still a pain in the ass.

Agent Langer: I learned from the best. Catch ya later, boss.

[Tony, digging through Ziva’s desk, has just discovered a "Movies for Dummies" book]

Tony: A-ha!

Ziva: [snatches it out of his hand] I have killed for less.

Tony: You cheated!

Ziva: I did not.

Tony: This is a book about movies. I bet you didn’t even see those movies. You just read this book.

Ziva: I like books.

Tony: I like movies.

Ziva: Do not quote books, I will not quote movies.

Tony: What if it’s a book that’s been turned into a movie?

[The team finds the killer they’ve been looking for, only he’s already dead, and has Muslim prayer beads in his hand.]

Ziva: These belong to Abdul (their victim). They were returned to his father.

Gibbs: Are you sure.

Ziva: [shocked] Gibbs! I- [sees Gibbs’ expression] ...no. Nothing like them.

Gibbs: Didn’t think so.

Tony: (pointing at McGee's enormous colorful coffee mug) Good morning, Probie Pan! Where did you pick that up? Neverland?

Stakeout [5.12]

Tony: [over the radio] That's a good idea. Blow our stakeout over a fifty-dollar crack sale? If Gibbs doesn't slap you silly, I will.

McGee: Oh, you're gonna slap me?

"Goldilocks": [behind McGee] If that's what you want, honey.

Tony: [over the radio] Go for it, McFreaky. Goldilocks is just your type.

McGee: Bite me.

"Goldilocks": That'll be extra.

Tony: Come on! I said scrambled! You haven't gotten a single order right in four days.

McGee: They're eggs. Eat 'em.

Tony: Well, I don't like sunny-side up. Sunny-side up oozes. They look like eyes. They're looking at ya. I bet your burrito's just the way you like it.

McGee: You want your eggs scrambled? [picks up the box with the eggs and shakes it vigorously] They're scrambled.

Tony: Any good tips? On the case?

Det. Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.

Tony: It would have been nice, yeah.

Det. Sparr: Well, when I'm in the middle of an investigation, I don't return social calls.

Tony: What makes you think it was social?

Det. Sparr: The way you stared at my ass the other day.

Tony: How do you know my interest in your ass wasn't purely professional?

Ziva: (talking about the man the hooker picked up) Personally I think she could have done better.

Tony: Come what?

Ziva: The Jack she is with is gross.

Tony: You mean John?

Ziva: You know him?

Tony: (shakes head) Oh my God.

Ziva: Tony still has not gotten me back for the binoculars.

McGee: I thought you two shook on it, no more practical jokes.

Ziva: Do you trust DiNozzo?

McGee: Point well taken.

McGee: Demonstration for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technical stuff to him.

Abby: Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something sciencey his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he.

McGee: No.

Nikki Jardine: Um, Ziva? I don't know if I should say anything or not, but I saw Tony putting something under your car...

Ziva: What? When?

Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When... this morning.

Ziva: Ha. I told you, I told you he could not be trusted! [rushes out]

McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?

Nikki Jardine: No... Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.

Det. Sparr: Thanks for the call. Where is he?

"Goldilocks:" Went into the hotel, acting real hinky. There's a reward, right?

Tony: Yes, you get him. [points at McGee]

"Goldilocks:" [smiling] I remember you. The biter.

Dog Tags [5.13]

Abby: [to the dog, kindly] Good doggie. [to McGee, angrily] Bad McGee!

Tony: Boss, we've already been through all of this! I mean, I got no leads, Ziva's flirted with every seaman on the base, and McGee's watched a hundred hours of Petty Officer Junction.

McGee: Hundred and fifty, actually.

[McGee and dog handler come down to pick up the dog involved in case, to find Abby has locked herself and dog Jethro in her office with loud music on, ignoring them. McGee is still trying to nudge the glass door open and get her attention as dog growls]

Abby: Pay no attention to them, Jethro.

McGee: (sighs) Abby, open the door. (gets ignored) Jethro has to go now. . . . Abby!

Abby: I can't hear you, McGee!

McGee: If you can't hear me, why did you answer?

Abby: (frowns, gets up to turn the music louder and face them as Jethro growls still) I'm not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!

McGee: Abby, do not make a scene!

Abby: Too late, McGee! I am in full scene mode!

McGee: You can't stay in there forever.

Abby: [indicating a large container of Caf-Pow] I am fully stocked on both Caf-Pow... [indicating a bag of dog food] ...and kibble. I'm good for at least a few days. (Jethro barks)

Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.

McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog who attacked me?

Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend, or maybe because I am a forensic scientist and I can boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace. [McGee quickly puts money in the container]

Abby: (To the dog) Who's a good Jethro?

Gibbs: (Enters Abby's lab, she doesn't see) ...I'm a good Jethro.

Internal Affairs [5.14]

Jenny: Long way from San Diego, Leon.

Vance: SecNav felt this warranted a plane ticket.

Jenny: Are you interrogating my agents? I assume you have a suspect. [Vance smirks.] And you've been brought in to oversee. Well, Assistant Director Vance, you gonna ask for them?

[She removes her gun and badge from her desk drawer.]

Vance: Under the authority of the Secretary of the Navy, as acting director of NCIS, I hearby relieve you of your duties. I'm sorry, Jenny, you're suspended.

Ziva: [as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.

Tony: She accused me of murder.

Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.

Tony: I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.

Jeanne: Was any of it real?

Tony: No.

In The Zone [5.15]

Ziva: (walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk) For the one you got me last week.

McGee: Aw, thank you.

Ziva: (leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps) That is quite a kiss, McGee!

McGee: (grins) Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?

Ziva: (chuckles) Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. (muses) I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.

Tony: (walks in, looking at them curiously) McGee has a long tongue?

Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.

Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?

McGee: You can't see it, Tony.

Tony: Why not?

Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes... Or.... (hits a key to bring up a very sweet picture of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking him, on the squadroom plasma screen) ...see it elsewhere.

McGee: Hey!

Tony: (laughs) Oh, McRomeo... You should save that stuff for the bedroom.

McGee: You're just jealous.

Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.

Recoil [5.16]

Ziva: [at the copy machine] Die, you stupid machine!

McGee: She seems unfazed.

Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.

Ziva: I'm not working. Just... drinking. Heidi! Uno mas, s'il vous plait.

Michael Locke: You're mixing your languages.

Ziva: And my liquors.

Locke: What's it like to shoot someone?

Ziva: It is what it is. It is what you have to do.

Tony: What are you doing?

Ziva: I'm checking into Locke's missing girlfriend. You?

Tony: Same.

Ziva: What? Why?

[...]

Tony: Checking her medical records.

Ziva: Why? Do you think she's been lying in some hospital unable to communicate?

Tony: No, I think she's been lying in a shallow grave unable to communicate.

Ziva: Medical records are privileged information. You need a subpoena.

Tony: Not if you have an IOU from a county clerk with a very expressive poker face.

Ziva: Look. If you're going to give me a lecture on my bad judgment, I don't need to hear it.

Gibbs: Is that what this is about? You doubting your judgment?

Ziva: I should've moved earlier.

Gibbs: You would've if you could've.

Ziva: I left it too late.

Gibbs: You still took him out.

Ziva: I almost died.

Gibbs: But you didn't. You've got to trust your judgment, Ziva. Moment you don't, it won't be "almost."

About Face [5.17]

[McGee and Ziva are playing Scrabble]

Tony: Hey, what's going on here? Did I get off on the wrong floor, I thought this was an office.

McGee: Officer David and I are engaged in a linguistic developmental exercise intended to bolster her English vocabulary.

Tony: (chuckles) That's good. Do you think Gibbs will buy it?

Ziva: It is not my vocabulary that needs bolsterment, McGee.

McGee: Not a word. Hence the scoreboard.

Tony: (chuckles) Yeah, 50-point cushion for the professor. And there's only one tile left to play.

McGee: (smiles) Gonna be kind of tough to play that 'q' without a 'u'.

Ziva: You peeked!

McGee: Did not. Process of elimination, I counted the tiles on the board.

Tony: You suck the fun out of everything, McCheat. (Ziva suddenly looks in thought) Give it up Ziva.

(Ziva takes her Q tile and plays it in front of an I)

McGee: (frowns and stares at the board) "Kwee"? I don't think so.

Ziva: (smiles) Chi. As in life energy that flows through all things.

Tony: You should have seen that one coming, Probie Wan Kenobi.

McGee: No....

Ziva: (laughs) Sixty-two points!!!

Tony: Jedi wins.

McGee: I'm challenging!!

Gibbs: (walking in) You all are! Grab your gear. Playtime's over.

(McGee panics, opening Ziva's drawer and dumping the tiles and board in, haphazardly sweeping the ones on desk to the floor as she gives him an odd look and the team gets ready to go)

McGee: Uhh... that was a, uh, language exercise we weren't actually playing.

Tony: So he didn't actually lose.

McGee: Correct!

Gibbs: So he wasn't actually humiliated.

Ziva and Tony: (look at each other and chuckle on their way out)

McGee: (hurries after them, muttering) "Kwee"....

[Ziva is confusing Tony as they talk at the crime scene.]

Tony: We've gotta figure out what he was doing here.

Ziva: And with whom he was doing it.

Tony: Doing what with?

Ziva: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.

Tony: (confused look) Done...What?

Ziva: Done!

Ducky: In, my dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?

Tony: Not this queen.

Judgment Day [5.18,19]

Tony: Sorry, Ziva, I'm going to have to cut you loose. [realizes she's already walking away] Hey, wait up!

Ducky: Didn't Jethro tell you? Or perhaps his cranium trauma is acting... He's behind me, isn't he?

Abby: McGee, tell me something cardboard Tony doesn't know.

Ziva: If you value that hand, I suggest you back away, slowly.

Ziva: [to Tony] First movie quote I hear, I am driving.

Tony: [after talking on the phone with Jenny] Paperwork had a deep voice.

Ziva: She is with a man. Does not mean she is sleeping with him.

Tony: You're right. I'm sure they're tag-teaming the paperwork.

Ziva: She's hiding something from us.

Tony: Yes, it's called a sex life. Maybe if you had one, you would feel a little more understanding.

Ziva: Ooh, I could tell you stories.

Ziva: Call the Los Angeles Police Department, tell them you are conducting a local investigation, and ask them to track down the GPS coordinates of the director's rental.

Tony: That's all?

Ziva: It will make me very happy to know where she is. It'll be like Chinatown. I will even let you do your Jack.

Tony: [as Jack Nicholson] Well, how do you like them apples?

Tony: She doesn't want us involved. If there's one thing I learned about the Director's private wars, it's that it's best to stay away - for her and for us! She's a big girl, she can take care of herself. Besides, it's probably a coincidence anyway, and she's behind one of those expensive windows munching on over-priced cashews courtesy of Mr. Out-of-Town.

Franks: Might be hard to believe, but I was in love once. Her name was Maggie. She had it all, quick as a fox, great curves, trusted her with my life.

Shepard: What happened?

Franks: Traded for a Harley when the transmission blew.

McGee: Boss, we got a problem here.

Gibbs: Just one?

Vance: Photo pops up, Gibbs runs off the reservation, and nobody knows a damn thing about what's going on.

Tony: Sounds like a Wednesday.

Ziva: You have not listened to anything I have said.

Tony: Well, it's only been three years; I'm a slow learner.

Ziva: And a slow healer.

Tony: She died alone.

Ziva: We are all alone.

Tony: Yeah, thanks for that.

Tony: Paris. That's when it must have happened.

Ziva: The two of them alone in another world.

Tony: Putting their lives in each other's hands every day.

Ziva: Not to mention the long nights.

Tony: It was inevitable.

Ziva: Nothing is inevitable.

Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?

Tony: No.

Ziva: [simultaneously] Yes.

Vance: Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?

Ziva: No.

Tony: [simultaneously] Yes.

Vance: Whose side are you on?

Tony and Ziva: [in unison] Gibbs.

Vance: Well, you finally got your story straight.

Vance: Decker's insurance policy - what's in it?

Franks: You can read it for yourself. I'll leave it for you... in my will.

Last Man Standing [6.01]

Ducky: Mr. Palmer, tell Gibbs he can send in the B-team.

Gibbs: Implies there's an A-team, Duck.

Ducky: Isn't there?

Gibbs: Anything else?

Abby: A number.

Gibbs: One, two, six?

Abby: One hundred and twenty six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple digits, Gibbs! But now it's way more! It's like a third of a whole year! I miss them!

Gibbs: Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.

Abby: It's not the same. I miss them collectively, as a group. My three musketeers.

Tony: Is this hacking, McGee? Are we hacking?

McGee: We are not hacking, Tony.

Tony: But it is illegal, right? Don't answer that. I know it's illegal. I'm having fun.

Eli David: You know, Leon, sometimes, those who know ask me directly -- the brave among them -- but most of the time the others, I can feel them looking at me and silently wondering, how can a father possibly raise his daughter to be a professional killer?

Vance: A question that I've never asked you because I know the answer.

Eli David: Every day is a fight to survive. It is my dream that my daughter will not have to make that decision with her sons and her daughters; I would like my grandchildren to be doctors and architects, to live a happy life, to grow fat and old. [pause] You want her back, don't you.

Vance: Yes, Eli, I want her back.

Eli David: Tell me, Leon, are we winning?

Vance: I don't know, Eli.

Eli David: Use her well, Leon. Ziva is the sharp end of the spear.

Agent Afloat [6.02]

Ziva: Looks like we found the murder weapon. Toy guitar?

McGee: That is not a toy guitar. That is a guitar controller. Used to play Lords of Rock, video game. That particular model is called an axe.

Ziva: So our killer is an axe murderer.

Abby: Well, Ducky was right. It's snot.

McGee: It's not what?

Abby: It's snot.

McGee: It's not?

Abby: Yeah, it is.

McGee: It's what?

Abby: Snot. The substance found in Lindsey Evans hair. It's snot.

McGee: Well, why didn't you just say that?

Tony: What?

Ziva: You seem, um... different.

Tony: Taller? Hotter?

Ziva: Older.

Tony: Well, it's been over four months.

Ziva: You still beating yourself up over Jenny?

Tony: Not as much as I used to.

Ziva: Drinking?

Tony: Not as much as I used to.

[Ziva touches his shoulder]

Ziva: You could have called.

Ziva: McGee was specifically told to destroy those photos.

Tony: Guess he forgot.

Ziva: Then perhaps I should remind him.

Tony: Go easy on the lad, he's had a rough summer.

Ziva: Well, we all have.

Tony: I think it was especially difficult for McGeek. Doesn't handle change well, never has.

Ziva: He seems fine.

Tony: [scoffs] Please, cooped up in that techno-basement for four months? You know how much he loves pounding the pavement, working leads, interrogating.

Ziva: [laughs] McGee?

Tony: Yeah, not to mention Gibbs, Duckster, you and me, Abs... I mean, everyone knows how close those two are.

Ziva: McGee was in the sub-basement, Tony. They had lunch every week.

Tony: It's not the same. You get used to seeing someone every day, talking to them, relying on them, and suddenly they're not there...

Ziva: It's all part of the job.

Tony: Doesn't make it any easier... for McGee.

Tony: Kaplan is the only one who can identify Evans's killer.

Ziva: And he overdoses.

Tony: Hell of a coinky-dink.

Ziva: What's a kwinkadink?

Tony: Coincidence.

Ziva: You believe this is a dwinkakwink?

Tony: Sarcasm, Ziva; you're back in America, flip the switch.

Capitol Offence [6.03]

Tony: What's going on here?

McGee: Don't know. Don't care. None of my business DiNosey.

Ziva: You are such a control geek.

Tony: Freak.

Ziva: Yes, that too.

Tony: So you stayed at Ab's last night, huh? You guys sleep in the same room?

Ziva: It is a one-bedroom apartment.

Tony: One bedroom, one bed? One coffin?

Ziva: You want the truth?

Tony: Yeah, [as Jack Nicholson] I think I can handle the truth.

Ziva: My building was being fumigated and Abby was kind enough to let me stay over... on the couch... in my pajamas.

Tony: Come on, work with me! Couldn't you lie just a little bit?

Tony: So what's up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where'd he get that?

McGee: Maybe he's bluffing.

Tony: Uh-uh. It was on the nose.

Ziva: Whose nose?

Tony: On the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you went back to Israel. You've reverted.

Gibbs: Abby, what are you doing?

Abby: A boundary has been crossed. I've been violated. Nothing is sacred anymore.

Gibbs: Yeah? Tell me.

Abby: Someone stole my cupcake.

McGee: Hey. You looking for me, Tony?

Abby: No, I am. Do you think I'm an idiot?

McGee: No.

Abby: What, you thought I wouldn't figure it out?

McGee: What is she talking about?

Ziva: The cupcake.

Abby: You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big fat finger print.

McGee: Oh, come on, you think I'm that stupid? Look, if I was going to steel your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.

Abby: You didn't. You used latex gloves. Brand new box, McGee. Only prints, mine and yours.

McGee: You said you were going gluten-free.

Abby: Where is it, McGee?

McGee: I was saving you from yourself, Abby.

Abby: Where did you save it, McGee?

McGee: Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn't eaten since lunch, the machine in the break room was empty and it looked so good.

Tony: [hugs McGee] What were you thinking, McGee? She's a world-class forensic scientist. [dope-slaps him]

Ziva: I bought the cupcake for Abby. [dope-slaps him]

Abby: So, how was it?

McGee: It was life-changing.

Heartland [6.04]

Ziva: I'll call Tony.

McGee: I'll call Abby. [they both run]

Ziva & McGee: [via webcam] Gibbs has a father!!

Tony & Abby: Tell me everything!!

Ziva: Do you feel that?

McGee: [digging through trash] What? Week old bananas?

Ziva: No. We are being watched.

McGee: How do you do that?

[Flashback to 1976 when Gibbs meets his wife, Shannon, for the first time]

Gibbs: Are you waiting for the train, too? [she nods] We could sit together.

Shannon: I don't know. It's a long ride, but I guess you're not a lumberjack.

Gibbs: No.

Shannon: I have a rule. It's either rule number one or number three: never date a lumberjack.

Gibbs: You got a rule for everything?

Shannon: I'm working on it. Everyone needs a code they can live by. What's your name?

Gibbs: Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

Shannon: I'm just gonna call you Gibbs.

Gibbs: You can call me anything you want.

Shannon: I'm Shannon.

Nine Lives [6.05]

Gibbs: You enjoying yourself, Abs?

Abby: Yes!!! (looking at Gibbs) But you're not. Sorry.

Gibbs: Thanks, Abs. You can go back to your mold now.

Abby: Aw, Gibbs. You say the sweetest things.

Abby: What do you see?

McGee: Um, french vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Abby: Interesting. [flipping to another picture] What now?

McGee: Um.

Abby: You can say it. We're grown-ups, McGee. Say it.

McGee: Sex.

Abby: Mold sex, actually. Practically mold porn.

McGee: Why are you showing me mold porn?

Ziva: I'm intrigued by how intrigued you are by this, Tony.

Tony: And I am curious that you are curious that I am intrigued.

Tony: Nesiah tova. [Hebrew for have a safe trip]

Ziva: See you next week.

Murder 2.0 [6.06]

Tony: [as Norman Bates] My mother isn’t quite herself today... [to Ziva, explaining] Psycho.

Ziva: You certainly have your moments!

Tony: A movie, Ziva.

[...]

Tony: [as Norman Bates] Blood, blood!

Ziva: [to Gibbs] Psycho.

Gibbs: He has his moments.

Tony: Hey, you haven’t forgotten about the screen saver, have you, Ziva?

Ziva: Actually, I had, thanks for reminding!

Tony: What are friends for?!

Tony: [Referring to the serial killer] Someone wasn't hugged enough as a child.

Tony: Nice girl, wasn't my type though.

Ziva: Really? She was breathing.

Tony: Oh, I have standards, Ziva, otherwise I’d be dating you.

McGee: My CPU is too small.

Tony: I'm gonna let that slide.

Collateral Damage [6.07]

Agent Wilson: How's Gibbs to work for?

Tony: What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.

Ducky: Dwayne Wilson...

Gibbs: He’s a baby agent.

Ducky: And I’m looking at his personnel report because...?

Gibbs: That’s your thing!

Ducky: My thing? [pause] Ah, I take it that Agent Wilson is alive.

Gibbs: Oh yeah.

Ducky: So you don’t want me to do an autopsy, which leaves my other thing. Psychological profile?

McGee: No, you went back too far.

Ziva: I got it.

McGee: No, you went back too far.

Ziva: That’s why I’m going fast forward now.

McGee: Hey, just... let me do is. Let me do it! Please? Okay? You handle this like you handle your car!

Ziva: And if you want to handle anything ever again remove your hand from my mouse!

Ziva: I do not understand. If you want someone dead, you knock on their door. They answer, you shoot them. Easy.

[Gibbs smiles]

McGee: [Shocked] For some.

Tony: I had a bad feeling about that guy. His teeth sparkled.

Ziva: Meaning?

Tony: Meaning no one has teeth that white unless they have something to hide.

Cloak [6.08]

Ziva: What is this place?

Soldier: It's classified.

Tony: Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.

Ziva and McGee: [in unison] Unicorn!

Ziva: [hiding with Tony in a closet] Stop breathing! [Tony stops breathing as guard walks past]

Abby: Stop interogating me, McGee!

McGee: Stop acting weird!

Abby: I am weird!

Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?

Ziva: Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.

Tony: I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.

Ziva: The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!

Tony: I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.

Ziva: You have had enough of this job, then.

Tony: I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that part earlier.

Ziva: If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have learned to follow orders.

Tony: What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall that you were the first one to throw a punch.

Ziva: It was a reflex!

Tony: Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?

Ziva: Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you -- [long pause]

Tony: I'm tired of pretending.

Ziva: So am I.

McGee: Wonder what they are doing up there.

Tony: Does the Navy still hang people?

Abby: Tony!

McGee: Well, it is treason, Abby.

Abby: McGeeeehee!

Tony: What else can they do? There’s no way she walks out of here.

Ziva: No way.

Lee: Good night everyone! [Walks out]

Dagger [6.09]

McGee: [getting navigation set up for Tony and Ziva to go after a lead] There is a built in compass so you don't get lost.

Tony: Don't worry, McScout. We've got our Mossad hunting dog. Bark once for yes.

Ziva: [growls]

[McGee is on the phone with Tony, concerned he's lost their signal]

Tony: Define 'lost', McGee. I know exactly where we are. We're between a tree and a bush, directly underneath the earth's sun.

McGee: Well you're not showing up on the map, let me restart the scan.

Tony: You might wanna hurry. Ziva's turning in circles; either the trail's gone cold, or she's about to mark her territory.

Road Kill [6.10]

[Tony has taken his picture on his computer]

McGee: I'm not even going to ask.

Ziva: Allow me. [To Tony] What are you doing, Tony?

Tony: Best deep in thought face.

Ziva: I guess there's a first time for everything.

Tony: [As the computer displays his picture] Nailed it. All right, Strawdog24. Beat this one. [Puts it on the webpage] Yeah, baby.

McGee: [Reading the website name] Ibeatyou.com. The place to compete online with anyone at anything.

Tony: Yeah. It's very fun. Very addictive. Look at this guy. Best air guitar. Look at that guy. Best "do the Hustle." [McGee walks back to his desk] I mean, you name it, they got it.

Ziva: The Hustle?

Tony: The Hustle. Saturday Night Fever? Travolta. [Mimics dancing in his chair]

Ziva: [Laughs sarcastically] What is the point?

Tony: What is the point of any dance? It's about letting loose. It's, you know, having a good time.

Ziva: I meant the web site, Tony.

Tony: It's... fun. It is... amusement. Light-hearted pleasure.

Ziva: I know what you're doing. I know how to have fun, Tony.

Tony: Really? Do tell.

Ziva: The Hustling and the deep thinking photos. Those are all just, you know. Child's play. Tell him, McGee. [Tony looks over in McGee's direction, as does Ziva. Both look at him oddly] McGee?

[Cut to McGee making a contorted face]

McGee: [on the same web site] Uh, I'm just working on my best psycho face here.

Tony: It's not bad, Probie. Just need to work a little bit more with the eyebrow. See what I'm saying? [Holds his hand in front of McGee as he continues making the contorted look] See how that reads? See that?

McGee: [With contorted face] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Tony: That's what you want.

Gibbs: Would you two like some time alone together?

Man on Ship: You the Navy Cops?

Tony: Yeah, my seahorse is double-parked outside. You ought to see the lights.

Tony: Look, everybody enjoys a good book, but don't you ever have the urge to just act a little...

Ziva: Childish?

Tony: Silly. Stupid. Brainless.

Ziva: Like you?

Tony: Exactly.

Ziva: Tony, you and I come from two totally different places. In my world, you grow up. Fast. You have no choice.

Tony: Now you do.

Silent Night [6.11]

Ducky: Something wrong, Jethro?

Gibbs: Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who's supposed to have been dead seventeen years. [hands Ducky a file] His death certificate.

Ducky: Oh, dear. [chuckles] Someone's in trouble. [looks at the certificate] I signed it?!

Abby: I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?

Gibbs: An attitude adjustment.

Abby: Gibbs, you're not helping.

Caged [6.12]

Ziva: Her name is Hannah, and she's asked me out to lunch, twice.

Tony: You? [blinks and considers]

Ziva: Did your rocketship just take a nosedive?

Tony: No. It just landed on a different planet.

Ziva: There is no doubt in my mind you will get that confession, McGee.

McGee: [looks from her to Tony and smiles] Thank you, Ziva. [leaves]

Tony: He's toast, isn't he.

Ziva: Oh, yes. Burnt toast.

Abby: They haven't hurt McGee, have they?

Ziva: We have not heard anything.

Tony: [holds evidence box] Got something for ya from Trimble's apartment, Abby. We need to figure all this stuff out before sunset.

Abby: Define 'before sunset'!

Tony: Before the sun goes down.

Abby: [looks frustrated and sighs, grabbing the box and heads to table]

Abby: The sun sets at around 5:02. So, does that mean we have until five oh one?

Ziva: Before sunset.

Abby: That could be now. Not good enough! I can't take this. Every time you guys go out, and I never know if you're gonna make it back, [Tony and Ziva exchange a look as she mutters] and it's killing me. I can't sleep at night and I'm developing this sort of weird twitch.

Ziva: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.

Abby: Then get a safer job.

Tony: Then you wouldn't see us at all.

Abby: [frowns] True. Still...sucks!

Ziva: I checked Trimble's phone records, Gibbs. One person called him over 150 times last month. It was another prison guard by the name of Brenda Carter.

Tony: Five calls a day. I give her an eight on the DiNozzo psycho chick meter. Ten being Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Look at those eyes; crazy eyes!

Broken Bird [6.13]

McGee: (seeing a large package on his desk) Oh, goody, they're here!

Tony: Goody? Who says goody?!

Ziva: What is it?

McGee: (opens box, pulling out an old computer) This is my Mac SE. Got it for my eleventh birthday. (lovingly) She's my first!

Tony: This is going to get really strange, isn't it?

Ziva: Going to?

Palmer: You're very calm.

Abby: I am. If I keep going to Crazytown every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to have my mail forwarded.

Gibbs: The last thing she said was "You killed my brother". Any idea why she would've said that?

Ducky: Probably because I killed her brother.

Love & War [6.14]

Tony: I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.

Tony: The flaw in the plan was the plan, but I've got another plan to end it.

Ziva: Which is?

Tony: You ever see Fatal Attraction?

Ziva: You have to tell him the truth.

Tony: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

McGee: We're trying to make a connection between Jennings and his killer.

Ziva: Brandon Sykes. But we hit a dead end.

Tony: No pun intended?

Ziva: Actually, it was.

Tony: Well, in that case, nicely done.

Deliverance [6.15]

Tony: Melinda. [looks into his little black book, then prevents Ziva from taking it]

Ziva: How many Melinda's do you have in that thing?

Tony: It could be the girl I talk to at the gym.

Ziva: You don't go to the gym.

Tony: Well maybe it was the girl I talked to at the dog park.

McGee: You don't have a dog.

Tony: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.

Ziva: You need a secretary.

McGee: Or a therapist.

Gibbs: Or both.

Bounce [6.16]

McGee: Who would want to impersonate Tony?

Ziva: Perhaps Jack Nicholson? You know, impersonation revenge?

Tony: Hey, talk to me, Abs! Here you go. [Hands her a Caf-Pow!]

Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.

Tony: Abby?

Abby: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.

Tony: Abby?

Abby: The room was, luckily, really clean, because, you know, hotel rooms, they can be a forensic scientists' biggest nightmare, Gibbs.

Tony: Abby! I'm not Gibbs!

Abby: Yes, you are, because if you're not, there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita spraining her ankle after the sixth frame, and Mr. Giggles escaping --

Tony: Mr. Giggles?!

Abby: Stay on topic, Gibbs.

Tony: Not Gibbs!

Abby: Okay. Tell me. I can take it.

Tony: Well, he's just upstairs --

Abby: Wait! I can't.

Tony: Rule 38. [Indicating that if it's your case, you're the boss]

Abby: Oh! [smiles brightly]

McGee: So Tony is in charge again.

Ziva: Yes.

McGee: How do you feel about it?

Ziva: Tony is a competent, capable investigator and a good leader. You do not agree?

McGee: Yeah, I agree, it's just that he's kind of irritating when he's not the boss. When he is, he walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's like -- he's behind me, isn't he?

Tony: Smirking.

Gibbs: He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo but the killer didn't know that. If I'm him I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a federal agent. Hmmm. Maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead. There's our motive we just need our killer.

Tony: May of just found him. Abby just matched a print from Renny's hotel room to one of his former coworkers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear Up. (Ziva and McGee stare at Gibbs blankly)

Gibbs: What?

McGee: We've just never heard you say that much at one time.

Ziva: Or in a week.

Gibbs: Wasn't my job before. Come on.

Hide and Seek [6.19]

Ziva: This reminds me of the forests I used to have fun in as a child.

Tony: I find that hard to believe.

Ziva: What, that Israel had forests?

Tony: No, that you had fun as a child.

Ziva: [laughs] Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, take us to the middle of the forest, and then we had to find our way out by ourselves.

Tony: I stand corrected.

Abby: Okay, the victim, Leonard Caswell, postal worker. He was shot at point blank range by Robert Perry. It's kind of funny; a non-postal worker going postal on a postal worker. Not funny like, ha-ha funny, but funny like comically absurdly amusing funny. Like irony, comedy is very subjective.

Gibbs: How was the pawn shop?

Ziva: I hit a stone wall.

Tony: It's a brick wall.

Ziva: No, it was a stone wall. I backed up too quickly.

Gibbs: Abs, music?

Abby: I know. I can barely stand it. I can't focus, it's effecting my cognitive function, I'm getting agitated. It's not for me. It's for them. [indicating maggots in a jar] I'm playing classical music for babies. It's supposed to increase their spatiotemporal reasoning and increase intelligence. [sighs] If I keep listening to this, I'm gonna turn into a psycho killer.

Dead Reckoning [6.20]

Perry: Any word on my immunity?

Tony: Well, I hear zinc lozenges help, but you might want to try some vitamin C or echinacea. Oh, you mean your immunity? No.

Ziva: [on the phone outside the safehouse] Tony, we have been compromised.

Tony: What are you talking about, Ziva? Is this a drill??

Perry: Did she get my medicine?!

Ziva: I'm going around the back.

Tony: Come here. Let's go. What are you doing?! Let's go! [sees Ziva walk in the door] Should we go?

Ziva: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.

Perry: What is she going to do?

Tony: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom, now.

Ziva: [calls Gibbs on speakerphone and places phone on the table, then draws two pistols]

Gibbs: Yeah? Gibbs.

Ziva: We have a situation at the safehouse.

Gibbs: Well, yeah, Ziva. What is it?

Ziva: Just a second. [both men break in a door each, only to be shot dead]

Gibbs: Ziva? Ziva! Ziva, talk to me!

Ziva: Under control. [hangs up]

Gibbs: [smiles and hangs up]

McGee: Abby, no one was hurt. Tony and Ziva are fine.

Abby: They've not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean, how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.

McGee: Any luck?

Abby: No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.

McGee: You ran your own home phone records?

Abby: Yeah. Gibbs orders.

Tony: In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall! [slaps his hands on the NCIS Most Wanted wall]

Ziva: We ran his prints. The coma man is indeed Jonathan Siravo.

Tony: Yes. The master of pirates can't change his diapers, but running an international crime syndicate?! That he can do in his sleep! [glares] You lied to me, wall!

Toxic [6.21]

Abby: Oh, I remember those days. When I was carefree and full of joy. I envy you, Tony.

Tony: Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?

McGee: Is everything okay?

Abby: No. Frank is sick.

Ziva: Who is Frank?

Abby: My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally going to the dentist.

Tony: You name your teeth?

Abby: You don't?

Abby: [to Gibbs] I can hear you staring.

Legend: Part 1 [6.22]

[As they walk into the squad room]

McGee: Tony, I am not arguing with you.

Tony: You're arguing now.

McGee: No I am not.

Tony: Are too.

McGee: This is not an argument.

Tony: Yes it is.

McGee: (exasperated) No, it's not.

Tony: Yes. It is. (phone rings) Hang on...

[Tony proceeds to answer Ziva's phone for her, teasing her as she walks up about the man on the other end before she snatches it]

Tony: (wanders to McGee's desk) What were we arguing about before?

McGee: (gives him a look) We were not arguing.

Tony: Oh, right. Yes we were.

McGee: Do you understand that that's what we were arguing about? The fact that you will argue about the least little thing. Sometimes you will argue about nothing at all... you just want to argue.

Tony: That's not arguing, McContrary. C'mon. Have a little insight. That's bantering.

McGee: No, it's not. 'Banter' is light-hearted, witty repartee.

Tony: (grins) Go onnn...

McGee: (looks annoyed for a moment, then gives up and smirks) It's your turn to get the coffee. Go.

Tony: Long distance can be hard. Telefriend from Tel Aviv?

Ziva: You're jealous.

Tony: I'm not jealous.

Ziva: Yes, you are.

Tony: No, I'm not. I'm not arguing, boss.

McGee: Argue!

Tony: Am not!

Tony: He got a name?

Ziva: Who?

Tony: The star of David.

Ziva: Oh, him. Yes, he has a name.

Tony: Trevor? Bruce? Marmaduke?

Ziva: Michael.

Tony: Hm. He sounded more like a Bruce than a Michael on the phone.

Gibbs: Okay, grab your toothbrush.

McGee: Road trip?

Gibbs: Los Angeles.

Tony: Cali-for-ni-ay. What time do we leave?

Gibbs: Not we. [Points to McGee]

Tony: McGee? Not me? McGoo? You?!

Abby: Are you going somewhere?

Gibbs: Yeah. That's what I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.

Abby: Into the lionesses den?!

Gibbs: [Kisses her cheek] I'm taking McGee.

Abby: Gibbs. It's just last time you guys went to L.A. one of you didn't come back.

Gibbs: I'll bring him home, Abs. [Walks away]

Abby: Just make sure you bring yourself back, too.

Tony: Get anymore hits on our secret thing?

Abby: Do you know how busy I've been?

Tony: I know how busy you've been.

Abby: Okay, just asking. We got one hit, but it is a doozy. Guy on the right, Michael Rivkin, our supposed Israeli banker. Guy on the left, director of Mossad, Eli David. Also known as --

Tony: Ziva's father.

Abby: She must know Rivkin.

Tony: You don't ask her. You don't breathe a word of this, Abby. [Deletes file]

Abby: Tony.

Tony: I mean it.

Legend: Part 2 [6.23]

Tony: [Speaking of Abby] Ignore her, probie, she's suffering Gibbs withdrawal. Transferring it onto you because of a deep seeded fear that Gibbs may withhold love and give her a first time head slap if he came back and saw his desk festooned in balloons and decorated like some tacky Tiki bar with messages of affection written possibly in blood. She ain't missin' you at all!

Tony: Are we fighting?

Ziva: If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.

Tony: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.

Tony: I have a problem with your boyfriend killing our two prime suspects.

Ziva: Really? In my country that would be cause for celebration!

Tony: Well, you aren't in your country and neither is he!

Semper Fidelis [6.24]

Tony: Here come the clowns.

McGee: The FBI does have jurisdiction in the death of a federal agent.

Tony: Yeah, well I like our chances with Gibbs in there waving a chair around like Gunther Gable Williams. Lion tamer. He's my second favorite hero after Steve McQueen.

McGee: Sure, because riding a motorcycle looks cool and all, but --

Tony: But nobody messes with a man riding an elephant.

Ziva: He did not get out this way.

Foster-Yates: Unless could cross a lawn without bending a blade of grass.

Ziva: Not impossible with the proper training.

Tony: She can also do that trick where you put your ear to a rail and you can hear a train coming.

Foster-Yates: You get the same training?

Tony: Me? No. But I can eat a bucket of chicken in one sitting, and I have x-ray vision.

Foster-Yates: So you and Ziva don't always agree on everything?

Tony: No, not everything. Healthy debates breeds, uh, creative solutions. Isn't that right, Ziva? [looks around them, puzzled] Where'd she go?

Ziva: [from investigating up in a tree, gestures how intruders got past] A few branches are missing up here. They go in, he goes up, then out [points] that gate. [her cell phone rings, she smiles down at them] Oh, it's McGee.

McGee: Hey. Gibbs wants you guys to come back.

Ziva: I'm up a tree.

McGee: Well, this might only confuse you further.

Ziva: Well, who said I was confused?

McGee: You said you were up a tree.

Ziva: I am!

Tony: Why is he calling you and not me? I'm the senior field agent.

Ziva: I don't know why he's not calling you, Tony. [McGee, on phone, says 'I did call.'] He's not making any sense.

McGee: And you're the one not making sense.

Ziva: He said he called you.

Tony: [looks at his cell] I'm not getting any signal. How come you're getting a signal and I'm not?

Ziva: Because I'm up a tree.

McGee: Oh.

Tony: Ohhh.

Ziva: Goodnight.

Tony: Night. [watches Ziva leave]

Gibbs: Rule number eleven, DiNozzo.

Tony: I would never date a co-worker, boss. Trust me. I mean, why would you even -- [Gibbs smiles slightly] -- that's twelve. Eleven: when the job is done, walk away.

[...]

Gibbs: So, what's on your mind?

Tony: Rivkin's been in town.

Gibbs: I know.

Tony: With Ziva?

Gibbs: The guy doesn't listen.

Tony: Does that bother you on a professional level or a personal one?

Gibbs: I'll tell you what. I'm having a little trouble untangling the two.

Tony: So you are bothered.

Gibbs: Oh yeah.

Aliyah [6.25]

Gibbs: [about Tony] I am going to see him again, right, Leon?

Ziva: He will not be harmed. Only two people have the authority to do that.

Vance: Your father's one. The other?

Ziva: Me.

Tony: I had no choice.

Ziva: That's a lie.

Tony: Why would I lie to you, Ziva?

Ziva: To save your worthless ass.

Tony: From who, Vance? Mossad?

Ziva: You jeopardized your entire career and for what?

Tony: For you. He was playing you Ziva.

Ziva: And for some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?

Tony: I did what I had to do.

Ziva: You killed him!

Tony: If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's the way you'd prefer it?

Ziva: Perhaps I would.

Tony: Okay, why don't you just get this out -- you want to take a punch, take a swing. Get it out of your system! Go ahead, do it!!

Ziva: Be careful Tony, because much like Michael, I only need one.

Tony: And that's what you're really angry about isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead, it's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.

Ziva: You took advantage of him.

Tony: He attacked me, what was I supposed to do? [Ziva knocks Tony down]

Ziva: You saw a glass table, you pushed him back. You dropped him on it. He was impaled in the side by a shard of glass. Bloody. Gasping for air.

Tony: I see you read my report.

Ziva: I memorized it! You could have left it at that. You could have walked away, but no, you let him up. You put a bullet in his chest.

Tony: You weren't there.

Ziva: You could have put one in his leg.

Tony: You. Weren't. There.

Ziva: But I should have been.

Tony: You loved him?

Ziva: I guess I'll never know. [walks away leaving Tony on the ground]

Eli: With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.

Ziva: I drove.

Eli: Enough said.

Eli When did you start wearing so much makeup?

Ziva Nice to see you too.

Unknown Terrorist: [to a hostage Ziva] Tell me everything you know about NCIS.

Truth or Consequences [7.01]

Tony: Come on, computers are your thing! If I had a thing I'd want to show it off.

Gibbs: There are rules against that, DiNozzo.

McGee: (trying to get Tony's attention) I'm thinking about getting some really tight red leather pants. Something that really cradles my butt, you know?

Tony: That's not normal.

McGee: I'm kidding, Tony.

Tony: No, it's not normal that Ziva hasn't contacted us.

[Tony and McGee are driving through the desert in a Jeep, in the middle of a sandstorm]

McGee: (speaking loudly) Thanks for volunteering me.

Tony: C'mon. You said you always wanted to travel.

McGee: On my own time.

Tony: On your own dime? Are you crazy, you could never afford this!

Saleem Ulman: [leads a hooded figured into the interrogation room, sitting them in a chair] Questions are being asked in town about missing NCIS agents. I am concerned that US forces might be mobilized. One of you will tell me the identities and locations of the operatives in the area, and the other will die. [removes hood, revealing Ziva] I will give you a moment to decide who lives. [leaves the room]

Tony: [smiles painfully at Ziva] So...how was your summer?

Ziva: Out of everyone in the world who could have found me, it had to be you?

Tony: [nods] You're welcome. So, are you glad to see me?

Ziva: You should not have come.

Tony: All right, then. Good catching up. I'll be going now. [tries to stand, but is chained to the chair] Oh, yeah, I forgot. [chuckles] Taken prisoner!

Ziva: Are you all right, McGee?

McGee: I'm just glad you're alive.

Ziva: You thought I was dead?

Tony: Oh yeah.

Ziva: Then why are you here?

Tony: McGee -- McGee didn't think you were dead.

Ziva: Tony! Why are you here?

Tony: [painful pause as Tony tries fight the truth serum] Couldn't live without you, I guess.

Ziva: So you will die with me. You should have left me alone.

Tony: Okay. Tried, couldn't. Listen, you should know I've taken some kind of truth serum, so if there's any questions you don't want to know the answer to --

Ziva: I did not ask for anyone to put themselves in harm's way for me. I do not deserve it.

Tony: Is that what you're doing out here? Some kind of monastic experience? Penance?

Ziva: It is justified.

Tony: Get over yourself.

Ziva: I have.

Tony: There's something I haven't told you, yet.

Ulman: What is that?

Tony: I've told you about the brains. I've told you about the guts. I've told you about the muscle. The scientist, the politician, the leader. I told you about every member of the team, except myself. The part I play.

Ulman: Which is?

Tony: I'm the wildcard. I'm the guy who looks at the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it. Like right now I should be terrified, right, but I'm not. Because I just can't stop thinking about the movie True Lies, you know, where Arnie's strapped to the chair and shot full of truth serum. He picks his cuffs and kills everybody. You have thirty seconds to live, Saleem.

Ulman: [sneers] You're still bound. You're lying.

Tony: I can't lie, and I didn't say I was going to be the one to kill you. Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper? [shot rings out; Ulman falls to the floor, clearly dead]

Gibbs: [from hundreds of yards away, having proved he hasn't forgotten anything from his time as a USMC sniper] Go.

Reunion [7.02]

Tony: Taking the tour?

Ziva: I have my first psych evaluation.

Tony: Oh, yeah. I always loved those.

Ziva: I'm sure. You get to talk about yourself the entire time. [Tony laughs] I'm sorry, that --

Tony: No, no, no. That's okay. No one's ever accused you of having tact. [Ziva looks away] Sorry.

Ziva: Hello, Abby.

Abby: What the hell is wrong with you?! How could you have doubted Tony after everything you've been through together? Do you really think that Tony killed Rivkin because he was jealous?!

Ziva: Abby, please calm --

Abby: You weren't thinking! That's what you weren't thinking! [begins pacing] Although I suppose I could understand your initial reaction. You were at an emotional time for you and for people to act rationally -- but to tell Gibbs that you didn't trust Tony?! Which I guess I could also understand, because I guess he did just shoot your boyfriend. In your living room. To death. All right, I'll give you that one, but this is Tony we're talking about here! All soft and goofy on the outside and 100% rock on the inside! And after everything you accused him of, he risked his life to go save you! You should be ashamed of yourself, even though in hindsight it is starting to make a little bit more sense now. But either way, the ball is in your court! It is Tony one and Ziva zilch! This is your move, and it had better be a good one! Oh, God. I was so worried about you. [hugs Ziva]

Ziva: I know.

Abby: [remotely activates a welcome home banner with streamers, causing Ziva to smile]

Ziva: When you shot Michael I almost killed you where you stood.

Tony: I wasn't standing.

Ziva: No, you weren't. You were lying on the ground, without adequate backup, completely violating protocol.

Tony: And double parked.

Ziva: Yes, I noticed. But that does not matter. Just like it does not matter how it worked out for Michael.

Tony: So what does?

Ziva: That you had my back. That you have always had my back. And that I was wrong to question your motives.

Tony: So why did you?

Ziva: I trusted my brother Ari. I trusted Michael. I could not afford to trust you.

Tony: I thought you weren't sure what to say?

Ziva: I guess I had a long time to think about things.

Tony: I'm sorry, Ziva.

Ziva: No. It is I who am sorry. [kisses Tony on the cheek]

Ziva: We need to talk.

Gibbs: Sit down.

Ziva: When I came to see you and said I wanted back, you said it was the director's call, but I sensed your hesitation. I sense it now, even though I thought I made myself clear. I understand what you did in Israel --

Gibbs: Your brother Ari.

Ziva: You know what happened that night. I was here.

Gibbs: I want to hear it from you. You had orders to kill your brother to earn my trust.

Ziva: Yes.

Gibbs: That's a problem.

Ziva: You don't understand.

Gibbs: You're damn right I don't understand!

Ziva: When I volunteered for that mission --

Gibbs: You killed your own brother, Ziva!

Ziva: It is because I hoped my father was wrong about Ari, and I did not want someone else blindly following orders! I volunteered to protect him, Gibbs!

Gibbs: You lied to me.

Ziva: No, when I told you Ari was innocent, I believed it! But yes, I would have lied to you. He was my brother and you were nothing. But I was wrong about Ari and you. When I pulled the trigger to save your life, I was not following orders. I mean, how could you even think -- he was my brother. And now he is gone. Eli is all but dead to me, and the closest thing I have to a father is accusing me.

Gibbs: Okay.

The Inside Man [7.03]

Tony: You failed your polygraph! That's not good.

McGee: No, I didn't fail it. They said I have to take it again.

Tony: Why would you have to take it again? Don't ask, don't tell. You didn't make the mistake of coming out, did you?

McGee: I don't have anything to come out about.

Tony: Stick to that story, McQueen.

Ziva: That is total salami!

Tony: Bologna.

Abby: I only take orders from one person: Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Unless he asks me to do it, it doesn't get done!

McGee: Is that pastrami?

Tony: [nods] Mm-hmm.

McGee: Can I have a bite?

Tony: Nuh-uh. This is my dinner. You can have the pickle.

McGee: I don't like pickles.

Tony: I know.

Ziva: Being stuck at that desk has given me a lot of time to think. Being a visitor here is wrong.

Gibbs: What does that mean, Ziva?

Ziva: I need your signature on this. I want to be an NCIS agent.

Gibbs: I don't even know if that's possible. You would have to resign from Mossad.

Ziva: Already have. Sent my father an email.

Gibbs: Hmm. Now what's he think about that?

Ziva: It does not matter.

Good Cop, Bad Cop [7.04]

Ziva: You cannot even work your email properly! You always reply to all. It drives me absolutely nuts! You know, when it comes to computers, you are almost as incompetent as Gi -- [looks around the room quickly]

Tony: [chuckles] You thought Gibbs was behind you. You know why? Because sneaky people expect sneakiness. It's a vicious circle.

Ziva: You cannot trust a man whose loyalty has a price.

Ziva: Are you following orders?

Gibbs: Your father, Ziva. He's not a good guy. He's dirty.

Ziva: You cannot say no to him. Not a second time.

Gibbs: [to Ben-Gidon] Go! Get out of here! Run! You tell Eli David to stay away. She is off limits!

Ben-Gidon: I failed you, Ziva. I am sorry.

Ziva: Never apologize. It is a sign of weakness.

Gibbs: [hands Ziva a letter indicating that she is now an NCIS agent] Get to work, probie.

Code of Conduct [7.05]

[Gibbs brings in several orange styrofoam cups, which he hands around to his surprised team]

Tony: You brought us coffee?

Gibbs: No, apple cider. Happy Halloween!

Tony: [to McGee] Thrill me, McGoblin!

Tony: [to Ziva, as they talk to witnesses] I ask the questions here, probie.

Neighborhood kid: Korby was awesome. He came up with new practical jokes every Halloween. Nothing dangerous. I mean, no razor blades. He'd freeze all kinds of stuff, blow things up. It was funny.

Ted Rogers: And illegal!

Ziva: And you are?

Ted: Ted Rogers. I live across the street. First he drove us crazy with his pranks, now he dies in his driveway!

Tony: Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. That's a nice sweater, by the way.

McGee: Look at this. [watching video of teenagers TPing a tree] Two ply, double roll, top tuck with a thirty foot vertical climb. This kid has got an arm! Perfect drapage and good trunk to top ratio. It's very impressive.

Ziva: I do not understand the humor or the art.

McGee: It's a cultural thing. Tony would tell you.

Mr. Rogers: [after Ziva knocks on his door] There's no candy here!

Ziva: NCIS! We don't want any candy!

Tony: Speak for yourself, David. Open up or we'll send the kids in!

Tony: [speaking to disgruntled neighbor] So Mr. Rogers, did you kill your neighbor?

Abby: This guy was a genius! He chronicled all his exploits on his phone. It's like a master's course! Six hundred pizzas delivered to the battalion CP. He reassembled a Humvee inside the officer's club. If only I had the appropriate time and space to use the bounty of ideas in front of me.

Gibbs: The case, Abbs. The case.

Ziva: You know, Tony, I have been thinking, and I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent and your place as --

Tony: Your superior in every way.

Ziva: [takes a deep breath] Yes, but for my sanity could you not call me probie.

Tony: I say it with love. [long pause] And if I refuse?

Ziva: You are senior field agent and I am entirely at your mercy.

Tony: As you should be!

Outlaws and In-Laws [7.06]

Tony: Are you studying to become a naturalized American citizen?

Ziva: I have to if I want to become an agent.

McGee: Good for you, Ziva.

Tony: Who says we want her as an American?

Ziva: Who says you have a say?

Tony: A little thing called the Constitution!

Ziva: [sarcastically] Really? Where?

Tony: It's in there, and it talks about dangerous foreign aliens stealing our precious bodily fluids.

Tony: That's --

Abby: Uh-huh!

McGee: It's no longer in --

Abby: Nuh-uh!

Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.

Abby: This is the crime scene! It was flown here on a C130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence, and now it is mine. It is all mine! So I can figure out the mystery!

McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?

Ziva: Or who killed them.

Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat.

Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that! While I figure out how he got it out of the basement!

Tony: [walks into Gibbs' house] Hello?

Franks: [pointing a gun at Tony's head] DiNozzo! You should have told me you were coming!

Tony: I called and you didn't pick up.

Franks: I'm not going to answer the phone! I'm a fugitive!

Tony: So what do you want me to do?!

Franks: Knock!

Tony: Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door!

Franks: Someone may be on the other side with a gun??

Tony: Why would someone be standing on the other side with a gun?!

Franks: Because there's no lock on the door!

Tony: [on the phone] I can't hear you, McGee. I'm in the basement.

McGee: Why?

Tony: Because I don't want to talk about the case in front of Leila and the kid.

Abby: Listen, Tony, this is really important. I need you to check the seams of the walls.

Tony: The walls?

Abby: Well do they appear to be removeable?

Tony: Huh.

McGee: Abby.

Abby: Or a tunnel, maybe?! It could be hidden under something on the floor. Something that looks like it doesn't belong.

Tony: Actually, I think Colonel Hogan has got a radio in the coffee pot, but the tunnel might have been filled in.

Cast

Mark Harmon - Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs

Michael Weatherly - Special Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo

Sasha Alexander (2003-2005) - Special Agent Catlin "Kate" Todd

Cote de Pablo (2005-Present) - Special Agent Ziva David (Former Mossad Officer)

Sean Murray - Special Agent Timothy McGee

Pauley Perrette - Forensic Specialist Abigail "Abby" Sciuto

David McCallum - Doctor Donald "Ducky" Mallard

Alan Dale (2003-2005) - NCIS Director Tom Morrow

Lauren Holly (2005-2008) - NCIS Director Jennifer "Jenny" Shepard

Rocky Carroll (2008-Present) - NCIS Director Leon Vance

Joe Spano - FBI Agent Tobias Fornell

Quoternity