National Lampoon's Vacation Quotations

National Lampoon's Vacation is a 1983 film about the Griswold family's cross-country drive to the WallyWorld theme park that proves to be much more arduous than they ever anticipated.
Every summer Chevy Chase takes his family on a little trip. This year he went too far.

Clark Griswold

[the kids are playing Pacman while Clark is designing a map on the computer] Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.

Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.

Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?

Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?

I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?

I'm making out a check for $1000, all you have to do is give me $300 in cash and keep the $700, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.

When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.

I think you're all fucked in the head! We're ten hours from fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation, it's a quest. It's a quest for fun, I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun, we're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Oh, shit!

We watch his program. We buy his toys, we go to his movies, he owes us! Doesn't he owe us, ha? He owes the Griswalds right? Fucking-A right he owes us!

Ahhh! I'd like to propose a toast, if I may? Here's to...a very restful vacation. Here's to...a very relaxing vacation. A renewed love affair. And...a time of joy with our babies.

Roy Walley

If someone doesn't start explaining what's going on here…well, there's going to be some explaining to do!

Arabs, Arabs, are they Arabs? Give them whatever they want.

Others

The Girl in the Red Ferrari: It's too bad you're married... I'm in the mood for some fun!

Cousin Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.

Motorcycle Cop: Ya know, if I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver, faster than you could say "police brutality."

Aunt Edna: Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!

Ellen Griswold: I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was... Clark!

Audrey Griswold: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!

Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

Dialogue

Clark: Ed, this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with C.B. and optional rally fun pack.

Car Salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?

Car Salesman: Wait a minute, I'll get to the bottom of this, we'll find your car. Davenport!

Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed.

Car Salesman: Where is Mr. Griswold's Sports Wagon?

Davenport: I don't know sir.

Car Salesman: I know what must have happened. It didn't come in. Now I can get you the Sports Wagon; the only problem is that it may take six weeks. I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster is the way to go. You think you hate it now, but just wait until you drive it.

Clark: Ed, I'm not your average fool. Now I want my super sports wagon now, or I'm gonna take my business elsewhere!

Car Salesman: Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car and bring it back here!

[the car is in the process of being smashed. It returns flat, and Clark tries to squat and open the door]

Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?

Pimp: Fuck yo mama!

Clark: Thank you very much.

Clark: Could I do your back, honey?

Ellen: I've already done my back.

Clark: Could I do your front?

Ellen: Go do your own front.

Clark: We're from out of town.

Man Giving Directions: No shit.

Rusty: That was a crummy Wyatt Earp dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.

Clark: They used to Rusty.

Ellen: [after the bartender shoots at Clark] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.

Clark: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?

Audrey: What?

Clark: I said didn't you think it was real?

Audrey: What?

Ellen: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.

Clark: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.

Ellen: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.

Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins it's okay by me. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.

Cousin Eddie: Hey Clark, you look like you could use a cold one.

Clark: Now you're talking!

[Eddie hands Clark his opened beer he'd been drinking, gets a fresh one for himself]

Clark: So, this is the old homestead, eh?

Cousin Eddie: Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The banks been after me like flies on a rib roast.

Ellen: Gee Cath look's like you really got your hands full.

Catherine: Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.

Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark?

Clark: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.

Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.

Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?

Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.

Clark: [looking at raw tomato paste] Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?

Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best!

Cousin Eddie: Edna! Helper's on!

Clark: [to Ellen] Is that your Aunt Edna?

[Ellen slinks away from the table]

Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!

Ellen: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.

Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?

Clark: Clark.

Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?

Aunt Edna: Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?

Cousin Catherine: [nervously] Uh, no; I was just about to.

Ellen: Good news, what good news, Catherine?

Aunt Edna: You're driving me to Phoenix!

[Clark bites into his 'burger' and it squirts out onto the plate]

Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.

Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?

Clark: [pulling some 20s out of his wallet] Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?

Cousin Eddie: About fifty-two thousand dollars.

[Clark quickly begins putting the money back in his wallet]

Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.

Audrey: So, everybody does that.

Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.

Audrey: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.

Cousin Vicki: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?

[Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]

Rusty: Hey, ya' got Pac Man?

Cousin Dale: No.

Rusty: Ya' got Space Invaders?

Cousin Dale: Nope.

Rusty: Ya' got Asteroids?

Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.

Rusty: [looking through Dale's porno magazines] Would you ever consider selling any of these?

Cousin Dale: No way, I treasure these. I use them a lot.

Rusty: How do you use magazines?

Cousin Dale: Ya ever bop your boloney?

Rusty: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.

Ellen: They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.

[Clark spits out his sandwich. Aunt Edna looks at hers, shrugs, then keeps eating it.]

Aunt Edna: Clark, Dinkins needs a long walk and a bath.

Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkins.

Rusty: Dad he bites.

Clark: Bite him back.

Clark: Despite all the little problems it's fun isn't it?

Ellen: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.

Motorcycle Cop: [sternly] Do you know what the penalty is, in this state, for cruelty to animals?

Clark: No, officer, I don't.

Motorcycle Cop: [hesitatingly] Well, it's probably pretty stiff!

[after driving off the road]

Ellen: I think I broke my nose.

Rusty: I stabbed my brain.

Audrey: I just got my period.

Ellen: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.

Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and him! [pointing to Clark] He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!

Ellen: SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!

Audrey: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?

Ellen: Find a bush Audrey!

Rusty: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.

Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ... [pauses as Rusty walks away] 50 yards...

Clark: Russ, it's really great that I can spend time with you and... uh... uh... uh...

Rusty: Audrey, Dad.

[In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two men on horses watch him]

Clark: We passed a God damn gas station every 10 yards for 1000 miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!

Cowboy: What an asshole.

Mechanic 2: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.

Clark: Yeah, well, we're from out of town. How much do I owe you?

Mechanic 1: How much you got?

Clark: No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.

Mechanic 1: I'm asking how much you got!

Clark: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to fool around so how much is it?

Mechanic 1: [waving a wrench] All of it, boy!

Clark: What does the sheriff think of your business practice?

[Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge]

Ellen: I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.

Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.

Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!

Clark: Make that the second biggest.

Ellen: [looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat] She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do Clark?

Clark: Well, I guess we could leave her here and maybe the first phone we pass, we could call Cousin Normie and he could come and get her I guess.

Ellen: That is the meanest, coldest...

Clark: Well, what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?

Audrey: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!

Rusty: Yeah, come on. It'll be real easy for Normie to find Aunt Edna. All he has to do is look for the buzzards.

Clark: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.

Ellen: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.

Audrey: Yes, he can!

Clark: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.

[thunder rumbles]

Ellen: Don't just blurt it out to Normie about Edna dying.

Clark: How about I ask him to play 20 Questions?

[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no answer]

Clark: Oh, for Christ's sake! He isn't home.

Ellen: Maybe the neighbors know where he is.

Clark: The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.

Ellen: Normie's always been flakey.

Clark: He's always been a jag-off.

Ellen: Watch your mouth!

[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]

Ellen: We can't leave Aunt Edna on the patio!

Clark: Would you prefer I slip her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?

Clark: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.

Ellen: Oh spare me, Clark, I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!

Clark: [Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna] O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.

Ellen: Clark...

Clark:[ignoring her] Baruuuuuuch Ataaaaaaah Aluuuuuuuyah...

Ellen: Clark, this is a serious matter, I'll do it myself!

Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.

Ellen: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.

Audrey: Let's not overdo it, mom.

Ellen: SHUT UP, Audrey. Lord, we loved this woman with all our hearts. But my husband wants to go to Wally World. May God have mercy on his soul. Amen.

Clark: And AMEN!

Ellen: Ugh! I hope at least you kids have learned something from this.

Audrey: Yeah! Don't die unless someone's home!

Rusty: Is that a real gun, Mom?

Ellen: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father may be going away for a little while.

Ellen: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.

Clark: No, it isn't.

Lasky: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?

Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.

Lasky: It's a BB gun!

Clark: Don't tempt me. I could poke an eye out with this thing.

Lasky: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.

Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?

Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.

Clark: Hey you can't prove that Russ.

Lasky: Rusty, may I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once.

Rusty: What happened?

Lasky: I threw up.

Clark: Roy; can I call you Roy? Have you even driven your whole family cross-country?

Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Once I drove all of them to Florida. The smell coming out of the back seat was terrible.

Clark: I know that smell, Roy; but what if you had driven all that way and Florida was closed?

Roy Walley: Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.

...

Clark: I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?

Roy Walley: No.

Cast

Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold
Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold
Imogene Coca - Aunt Edna
Randy Quaid - Cousin Eddie
Anthony Michael Hall - Russell 'Rusty' Griswold
Dana Barron - Audrey Griswold
Eddie Bracken - Roy Walley
Brian Doyle-Murray - Kamp Komfort Clerk
Miriam Flynn - Cousin Catherine
James Keach - Motorcycle Cop
Eugene Levy - Car Salesman
Frank McRae - Grover
John Candy - Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld
Christie Brinkley - The Girl in the Red Ferrari
Jane Krakowski - Cousin Vicki

Quoternity